Toddlers & Tiaras: I Picked This Just For You!

Miss Sugar Plum pageant brings us nose-picking and favorites-picking and we join this week’s set of wackadoodles in Toddlers & Tiaras.  Filmed around Christmastime, glitter poinsettias adorn clothes and there is a lot of Dr. Zhivago-ing going on.

What the hell is going on here?

Pageant Director Amanda Kirk has one front and center bosom as she tells us that since it’s Georgia, the competition is going to be fierce.  Not so fierce?  The SAT scores for Atlanta Public Schools!  Man, joking about that is NEVER going to get old!  Turns out there are three more pageants going on in the same area, so you know they are all quality.

Nice boob poinsettia.

First up in Warwick, Georgia, we meet our Jamie Sterling of the episode, mom Keetra, and competing daughters Karley, 4 and Kylie, 6.  Watch out Kardashians, these girls may bedonkadonk you out of reality heaven.

Keetra isn’t even subtle about this as she tells us that Karley is the supreme winner while Kylie is more toned down.  “She’s actually nice when her sister wins,” she says about loser Kylie.  This is the first time Keetra is having the girls compete with each other and she’s doing it to “to see, you know, what would happen.”  Sibling hatred?

Can you feel the resentment?

Karley keeps telling Kylie she’s going to beat her.  Kylie admits that Karley is the cutest and she doesn’t know if she can beat her.  I bet you could with a broom handle.

Over in Winder, Georgia, we Paisley, 2, and mom Wendy who reminds me of actress Meagan Fay who played the uptight neighbor Kathy Bowman on Roseanne years ago.

And she looks just as tight-assed.

Paisley has won 42 out of the 53 pageants she’s been in, which basically means she placed or got a participation crown.  Also, all I can think about when I hear the name Paisley is Prince and Paisley Park.  One of the radio stations here has been jamming “Raspberry Beret” down our throats lately.  What can you do?

Unrolling sashes like pageant toilet paper.

Paisley tells us God made her beautiful, and you know how I feel about that, but it almost sounds like she says, “SHE did,” so I almost cut her some humorous slack, but closed captioning proves she actually says, “Jesus.”  Now the pretty girl wants a lollipop and she whines and cries.  Lollipop is shoved in her mouth and then she whines about her outfit.  Get some WD-40.

Wendy says she’s never competed before but she loves Paisley competing, “Because it is actually my hobby.”  The truth comes out!  And it does over a picture of the two of them in matching red velvet dresses with puffy sleeves.  What cult is that?  “I don’t know if she would do it if it were her choice but at this age, she seems to enjoy it,” Wendy says, as once again, we see Paisley whine and scream and cry.  She really does like it.

Hoooooly shit.

Finally, in Jesup, Georgia, we meet mom Sherry and daughter Logan, 2.  Sherry tells us that she’s hoping pageants will help Logan be more expressive.  Because if there is one thing two year olds don’t do is EXPRESS THEMSELVES, early and often.  Logan hides her face.

If only my boobs were as perky as my personality!

Here’s the kicker, Logan has eczema so she has to put cream on a lot.  That does suck, it really can be a pain in the ass.  She puts cream on her toy horse first, then herself.  Sherry tells us that sometimes her husband calls the way Logan looks, “Hamburger meat.”  Way to build up her confidence!  Guess she won’t be spray-tanning.

Perkier than ever – and who is really into doing pageants?  One guess.

Back in Warwick, Karley and Kylie are playing in their closet with their brother who falls off some storage container into the back of the closet.  Dumbass.

Hello 1968.

Now here’s where it gets odd.  This family’s whole house is beige, cream, off-white, ecru and taupe, and the clothes they all wear are the same.  I thought I had to fix my TV color or something, it was so weird.  The girls are both dressed in tragic outfits reminiscent of the late 60s, flowing swing-top shirts over flared/ruffled bottom pants.  All in brown fabric that looks like it has South Park characters on it.

My whole life’s color palette has put me to sleep.

Karley practices first and she’s cute, but Kylie keeps saying Karley is going to win.  It’s kind of sad.  The girls have to have their eyebrows shaped and mom does it with tweezers.  Kylie says she’d rather be a boy because she doesn’t want to get her hair and makeup done.  Perhaps she could be put in soccer, gymnastics or some other pastime!

Hate!  If I actually had the ability to have that emotion.

Back with Paisley, mom shows us an outfit of choice that is a camouflage dress that she wore to represent the first day of deer season.  Oh, I bet that went over well with the mix of coral, yellow and pink cupcake dresses.  Paisley admits to her mother she’d rather be hunting that doing pageants.  Even the deer would prefer that!

Dad Scott says glitz pageants to him means you are putting fancy stuff on your daughter and “stealing their innocence.”  Then he admits he just doesn’t want to fight with his wife.  I hear that, p-whipped.  Just quieter when you go along with things.  Take it out on the wild turkeys during hunting season.

Back over to Warwick, the “Grits Capital of Georgia” (the festival to prove it is held every second weekend in April…there’s only one second weekend, though, so why did they need “every”?), it’s time to tan Kaylie and Kylie the color of their kitchen, mom’s sweater, and mom’s hair.  Seriously, is something wrong with my TV?

The girls don’t want to be tanned to they play the number game and Karley has to go first.  She turns into a whiney little monkey so Kylie does it first.  “I try to be the good kid,” Kylie says.  That won’t get exhausting, will it?  Therapists, start your engines.

Karley “likes to whine about a lot of things” Keetra tells us, and boy does she.  She whines about getting tanned, how cold it is and how she doesn’t like it.  Mom goes to put the tanner away and Karley whines about not getting tanned and says she’ll do it.  And…this is why I don’t have kids.  Kylie tries to help her through it and says, “I take my job as oldest sister very seriously.”  That is cute and kind of not fair.

What a great way to spend time with your kids.

Karley screams and cries and winces because the tanning spray is so cold.  Oh my God, seriously?  Calm the hell down!  It’s not acid!

Back with Logan, they are rolling her hairpiece and Sherry prefers the curling iron to hot rollers because it makes “nicer, smoother curls.”  I will admit, I don’t know who came up with those hot roller waffle-clips, but they leave that pattern in your hair.  Clearly a team of male, bald engineers who don’t like product testing came up with that idea.  Jerks.

Safe!

So Sherry, in her infinite wisdom, leaves the hot curling iron on the sofa while she curls the hairpiece on the teddy bear.  Logan, being a moron/two years old, touches the curling iron.  Sherry freaks out and turns it into a huge crisis but luckily there isn’t a big burn.  Then Sherry blames the victim by saying, “Logan, I thought you knew better!”  Yeah, she’s two.  She’s still crapping her pants most likely, so thinking she won’t touch the firestick on the sofa is asking A LOT.  Also, don’t put it on the cloth sofa, you are asking for trouble there too.

That’s what you get for wearing such a short skirt to the frat party!

Paisley is now practicing her routine for outfit of choice – apparently she’s a Barbie or a doll of some sort that comes out of a box – but she seems more focused on her candy.  Wendy tells us there are two older brothers, 9 and 11, who are “crazy about her” but would rather “chew off their own arms and put them in alcohol than go to a pageant.”  Well, at least they’re subtle about their hatred of it.  Like me.

Kill me now.  No I mean NOW.

Alex, 9, says going to pageants are like “going to a dumpster and picking trash out of it.”  Yeah, wait until you are moving into your first apartment after college and see how many bookcases you pull from the trash, dude.  Austin, 11, says when Paisley is in glitz, it’s like it’s not even his sister, it’s like Paisley in a different body.  These guys are like the Buddhas of pageants.

Wendy tells us that people who know them and people who come into contact with Paisley as well as family all call Paisley the “little turd.”  And why?  “Because she does act like a little turd.”  Then she says for the most part Paisley is a pretty good kid.  That is just gross.  Who would call their kid turd?  That is just…ick.  Not our only brush with poo-related atrocities when it comes to Paisley, though…hold tight!

Now over to Rosalee’s Salon, where their motto is “It’s not just about fingernails,” (I’m not sure what the hell that is supposed to mean), Logan is SOOOO not getting her nails done.  When Sherry shows up, it’s pretty obvious she doesn’t do this often and didn’t call ahead.  She has to tell the guy that Logan is two and says they are interested in getting some gel nails.  Normally, the salons already seem to know these kids.  Sherry really should have planned ahead.

Also, gel nails?  For a two-year old?  You’ll lose them up the nose and what two year old has the patience to get those done?  Sherry, really.  Do you not watch the show?

Luckily, Logan saves us all by whining and crying and bitching and moaning.  Even candy doesn’t work on her.  “It’s very hard to get a two year old to cooperate before a pageant.”  OR EVER.

Or a new hobby for yourself.

“If she doesn’t want to do the things it takes to win, like doing nails, then maybe we should consider something else,” Sherry says.  You mean like now?  Like when she decided she didn’t want to do her nails like 10 seconds ago, that didn’t clue you in?  Logan runs to the door and tries to escape, but the doorknob is way past her capabilities at this time.

Paisley is at gymnastics and Wendy says it helps with her poise and confidence.  Uh-huh.  Gym coach Hope wants to solidify her client base and tells us that Paisley is “very advanced” for a two year old.  Yes, jumping up really is advanced.

Olympics 2012, here she comes.

Then the gross thing happens and starts a landslide of grossness we haven’t seen on T&T.  Paisley picks her nose.  And picks.  Mom tries to stop it but she picks and picks and picks and then… and this is where I seriously started to do that vomit in the throat thing…she eats it!

And a 1, and a 2 and a VOOOOMMMMMITTTT.

Wendy tells us that Paisley “kinda had lunch” on the trampoline.  That is gross!  Why would you even discuss it?  “She probably won’t be ready for a snack for a while.”  Seriously, here comes breakfast, I couldn’t even look at this scene.  GROSS.

Karley is whining about having to put on that stupid brown flowing outfit again…is that the only set of clothes this family owns for their kids?  Yeesh.  Dad Matthew says they don’t normally have the girls compete against one another because “you never want to put them in that situation.”  Well, clearly Keetra does.  She’s probably trying to decide which one to like best, although it’s clear she prefers Karley.

Awful.  And they are all the color of the wood stacked to the left.

The girls leave the house and look ridiculous in those same brown outfits.  I’m sure Keetra thinks they are cute but they look like the kids have gout or something.  Also, as the family pulls out, you see the kids’ names on the back of the car and they also have a Kolby.  Seriously, who does shit like this except morons or people wanting their own reality show?  Karley continues to whine.  OMG, SHUT UP.

Pageant day in Valdosta, Georgia, at the high school performing arts center.  There are 4,000 trophies to be given out so when Pageant Director Amanda says there is going to be a lot of competition, she lies.

And…the place is packed.

Sherry takes Logan out of the SUV and she tears away from the car.  Very safe for a two year old in a parking lot.  We can only hope!  Paisley shows up sleeping and…holy shit, this is environmentally sound…Karley and Kylie show up in a stretch limo.  God these people are so white trash.

Amanda says that she and her sister used to compete in pageants, but their mother never had them compete against each other.  “I personally do not believe that they should compete against each other,” she says.  But they aren’t your kids so let mom trainwreck them for our enjoyment, m’kay?

Kylie says she thinks Karley will supreme and she’ll win queen of her age division, but she really wants to supreme.  This is awful to put these girls into this position.  Bad mommy!  Good ratings!

Amanda says pageants can bring out the worst in moms and “they are no different from soccer moms.”  She continues by saying, “Some moms are absolutely crazy.  And I think they’re living through their child.”  Wow, Amanda, have you considered maybe an office job?  These crazy moms are how you make your money.  Don’t bite the hand that feeds, no matter how many pixie sticks it has in it.

Sherry admits that she did one pageant in high school and she won “Miss Congeniality.”  So you were chubby back then too, huh?  I got Miss Witty at my high school and look at me now!  Making fun of kids!

Sherry asks glitzed-up Logan if she’s ready and she shakes her head no.  Clearly this kid hates this.  Sherry interviews she’s hoping for a queen title – supreme queen or just of Logan’s division.  So good luck to you.

Yeah, she hates this to her core.

Paisley is freaking out and screaming and whining while getting her hair done.  Wendy tells us the pageant starts at four and Paisley has not had a nap, so who knows how she’s going to act.  Uh, I think we ALL know.  “Without a nap, she can be a holy terror.”  And a turd.

Karley is whining and bitching and moaning PER USUAL, and Keetra tells us that she is like that because she hasn’t had a nap.  She’s been like that THE WHOLE EPISODE!  Then the best part – they are putting makeup on her and the color of the foundation is like for someone about 10 shades darker than her.  Where did they get that, the Iman Collection clearance bin?  It looks awful and even spreading it in is going to look silly with her WHITE NECK.

Hiding chicken pox was never easier!

Keetra flat-out tells that because of the way Karley is acting, something is going to go wrong.  As they do her makeup, the poor kid is about to fall asleep.  Don’t you people read the times of the pageant?  Seems like if there were three other ones going on that weekend, you could have picked something else that occurred earlier in the day.  Also, what pageant chooses to the 4-6pm slot for competition?  Everyone’s going to be tired and hungry by then.  Stupid Amanda!

Paisley is slamming down a ton of sugar.  So much that she jumps into one of the lockers and shuts the door and when she comes out of the locker, her hair does not!  It’s stuck on one of the hooks and is all over the place.  Wendy ran Paisley back to the hairstylist to get it fixed.  Then her nails are coming off and Paisley says, “They lost their way.”  No, that’s Wendy.  Also, they are probably up your nose.

Oh, kitty, no!

Beauty competition first and her comes some girl whose dad clearly is running late for his gang initiation…yeesh.  Sherry says she doesn’t want to know about the competition.  Put your head in the sand, then.

Yo bitch, hurry up, daddy’s gotta teardrop tattoo to earn.

Logan is up and she’s…okay.  Sherry walks with her daughter but it’s clear Logan doesn’t want to be there.  And once again Amanda has opinions about moms and says that any parent who goes onstage with their child should be dressed in all black and should be very discreet about giving direction.  As opposed to Sherry’s bright red shirt and loud instructions.  “Let the child be the star, not the parent.”  You are never going to make money if you think that way.

Again, who is this pageant really for?

Logan isn’t even on the stage when the emcee calls the next girl.  I didn’t really notice it, maybe they are trying to move it along (if the pageant ends at 6, maybe the judges have a reservation at the local cantina at 6:30).  Sherry is pissed because she had to drag Logan offstage and she says it was rude to overlap the kids.  On top of that they called her the wrong number, which I could totally see that being an issue – the wrong kid might get your score.

Sherry finds Amanda who is doin’ the Dew and tells her all the issues.  Amanda is very nice about it and says that Logan can walk again if she wants.  Sherry declines because they already had her out of the dress.  She thanks Sherry for bringing it to her attention and says she will let the team know.  I actually believe her.  Good for you, Amanda!

No, really, this is something I honestly care about and as soon as I can I will let the authorities know.

Paisley is going to be going onstage by herself, so this should be good.  She hits her first mark, then goes to her second mark and waves.  She’s kind of cute and bounces across the stage.  She waves.  Now get the hell off the stage.  Mom is pleased.  “She was on!”  Paisley says she’d rather ride a four-wheeler than do pageants.  Oops.

Really her best angle.

Karley is up next and I love her hot pink outfit.  She works it onstage, blows kisses and is very cute.  She doesn’t really seem to have the “it” factor…oh, I’m sorry, “the whole package.”  She’s fine but not really shining.

Cute, but I think it’s the dress.

Kylie comes out and I have say she is gorgeous!  She looks so grown up and very pretty and she does a great job.  She really sparkles more than Karley did and she’s very natural about it, if that’s possible.

Cuter.  You know what that means:  Cagematch!

Outfit of choice is next.  Kylie is picking her nose bigtime, yay.  She’ll be nose-picking Barbie while Karley takes a dog onstage with her.  You know how much I hate that.

Tissue, party of one.  AGAIN.

Sherry says that she made Logan’s outfit and that Logan “wouldn’t let me try it on her last night.”  How did a two year old overpower you?  You outweigh her by a good 150 pounds.  Just sit on her and wiggle the dress on her, duh.  Too bad you didn’t, too, because the dress is a leeeetle large on Logan.  Logan runs crazy through the dressing room while Sherry chases her with hairspray.  God, that sounds like a fun weekend.

Yes, please sign me up for this.

Paisley is screaming bloody murder and crying and it seems to coordinate with the brushing of her hair.  Has anyone considered she might actually be hurting?  Maybe you are pulling that one hair and it hurts like hell?  Wendy says they are doing their best to keep her awake and if they had put her down for two seconds, she would have been out.  Ha!  Her big brothers are bitching about their “costumes.”  How’s that dumpster diving going?

No, seriously, this looks like tons of fun.

Paisley screams and cries and Wendy says, “You win this round,” then tells her husband he has to go backstage with Paisley while she works the front of the room (translation:  while I sit in the audience to get time away from this little Satan turd).  Dad is like, “Whaaaat?”

Dad interviews that Wendy was about to have a meltdown and then says, “It was bottom of the ninth and things weren’t going well.”  I bet Paisley would rather be at a baseball game right now.  Or asleep.  Eh, same thing.

Why not attach strings and make her a marionette…seems like that would be easier.

Most of the outfits are holiday-related and Sherry tells us Logan is getting tired.  Sherry goes onstage with Logan who decides to run away.  Sherry picks her up and she does that little kid thing where she won’t put her feet down so Sherry has to hold her.  She wouldn’t do what Sherry asked, she just kept running away, not turning around and you can tell Sherry has just had it.  Judge Denise says Logan was fun to watch but it was more fun to watch her mother.  Ha!

She was awful, but we have reservations at 7, so I’m scoring her like I’m an Atlanta Public School teacher.

Wendy shoves Paisley into the box so her brothers can push her onstage and she can do her doll-coming-out-of-the-box routine.  Then Paisley ruins it.  “I have to poop!” she says.  Dad yells to the boys, “Go get your mom!”  They call Paisley to the stage and Wendy is looking around wondering where her little turd is.  Dropping one, apparently.

If it’s not one end of this kid, it’s the other.

Dad picks up Paisley and says to someone off camera, “She got to go to the bathroom.  She has to go…” THEN GO!  Why are you just standing there?  He runs out of the staging area and takes her to the bathroom.  They really just should have used pull-ups like that one family that let their daughter pee herself just before going on.

The emcee calls Paisley and it seems like maybe someone should have clued her in.  Kids are kids.  Dad brings Paisley back and she is shoved onto the stage by her brothers.  They open the box, she jumps out, holds herself like she has to pee, jumps up and down, then goes back in the box and slams the door.  Uh, you still have 90 seconds.

And you should have saved the pee-pee dance for the talent category.

Wendy tries to coax Paisley back out and every time the boys open the box, she slams it.  Then she screams, “Stop pushing me!”  They pull her offstage.  Wendy says Paisley blew any chance of winning a supreme title just because she went out there and acted like a two year old.  Stupid kid!

I already indicated that I have decided to f#ck this noise!

Judge Denise says it’s difficult to look past when a child is tired or cranky.  You know what then?  Have the pageant in the morning!  Duh!

Rephrase, please.

Karley is up next and she has like a flight attendant outfit or something on, with a fake dog in her handbag, then she doesn’t like the fake dog and someone brings her a real dog onstage.  Judge Denise calls her a bundle of energy.  Meh.  But she did look like Jackie O.

Indicating where the emergency exits are is a real responsibility.

Kylie is up next and is aerobic Barbie in a box.  Kylie is great and looks just like Olivia Newton-John when she got physical back in the 80s!  Then she drives off in a motorized car and she totally killed.  Too bad she didn’t kill any of the kids backstage.  That would have been a new talent.

I must have this car.

Crowning is up next.  Sherry says she wonders why she does this to herself.  Uh, no life, no hobby, no sex life, you’re living your life through your kid, you don’t have any friends of your own to play with, you haven’t figured out how to download internet porn?  There are several reasons.  Pick your favorite and let’s have that be the answer.

She says, “Sometimes I think we could be having fun doing something else…but she likes it.”  NO SHE DOESN’T!  Your kid clearly doesn’t enjoy this.  Go play dolls or ride trikes!  Anything but pageants!

Paisley is being held by her dad and is clearly going in for another snack.  What the hell!?!?!  Someone please have that kid blow her nose already.

Did she indicate an emergency exit was over there?

First up, Teeny Miss category…First runner up…not our girls!  Tiny Miss Sugar Plum Queen…Logan!  She looks stoned when she wins.  Just go to sleep already.  Not sure how that happened, she suuuuucked.  Sherry says she was very happy with queen.  Tiny Miss Supreme Queen…Paisley.  Wow.  Competition was SO not fierce.  And if you look in the audience, it looks like maybe 30 people were at this show.

More advanced moves from Paisley, I see.

Judge Denise has clearly been drinking when she says she thought Paisley was “the cutest thing in a box.”  Unless that box has valium, which you must have taken if you thought her temper-tantrum in the box was cute.  Judge Denise needs a dose of reality.  Someone get her Ni-Ni!

Karley and Kylie are up for crowning next.  Man, this is awful to do this to siblings.  And you know that Keetra wants Karley to win, you can just tell she’s favored over Kylie.

Kylie looks great onstage and Karley must be attempting to smile and look good but she has her mouth opened and sort of looks like a kid in a horror movie who just saw Chucky coming to get her.  It’s really funny.  Then she sticks her tongue out all around.  Excellent.

Authentic smile, isn’t it?

The tongue isn’t helping.

Second runner up…some girl named Heaven…enjoy the pole!  First runner up…Karley!  Ouch!  Guess mom likes you second best NOW.  Little Miss Sugar Plum Queen…Kylie!  Wow!  Kicked her sister’s ass!  Then that stupid bitch Keetra totally discounts Kylie’s win by saying yeah, well, she’s six so of course she’s going to beat four year olds.  Thanks for the support, MOM.

Oh snap!  JUSTICE!

Keetra says they will continue to do pageants and you can see by Karley’s face she is not pleased about losing a higher title to her sister.  She may not know why, but this will probably scar her for life.  Welcome to the real world, whiner!

Wait, what just happened?

Sherry says they are going to take a couple-month break to “regroup” and says that Logan deserves some free time without having to worry about pageants.  Or maybe she’s talking about herself.

And I’m pushing my anger down into my feet like a lady should.

Paisley is excited about winning and wants to buy cheese dip with her winnings.  However, she’s only buying it for herself!  Dad says he doesn’t like glitz pageants because of all the makeup, but he’s happy Paisley’s happy.  Paisley moons the viewers and her tulle is everywhere.  She says, “Cheese dip,” then collapses and everyone off camera laughs because it looks like she died after saying “Rosebud.”

‘Nuff said.

Next week?  Tragically named children.  Why does this never end?