This week’s Toddlers & Tiaras has a new theme for us, the Halloween Bash, being held in Oklahoma City. We’ve swapped 80s tramp wear for Halloween tramp wear and our buddy “Mr. Todd” James is the emcee. He has more costume changes than a Lady Gaga concert.
Interview with a pageant vampire.
Pageant Director Mary Cusick seems like a very unpleasant woman as she explains that this is a glitz pageant and there may be tummy-showing, and if people don’t like that “they need to get over it.” Or, they could just put their kid in a different outfit. I bet she’s a pill at home. Luckily, we never see her again.
Which in my opinion is faaaaaabulous!
First up in Forney, Texas, is our little spiderwoman, nine-year-old Chloe and mom Jamie. Chloe loves to climb door frames, which I haven’t done in years. I just am too old to get the leverage needed and also it’s my mortgage now and people need to stay off my door trim!
OMG, which crown to steal from her first?!?!?!
Jamie says that Chloe is on a winning streak and has won about $20,000. She’s only lost crowns twice in her many, many years of competing. Also, Jamie is going to be collecting her own hair in a baggie if she continues to Madonna/Vogue it much longer, but I admire the fact that unlike most mothers on this show, she isn’t showing roots 1” long.
However, something really doesn’t match here.
In Siloam Springs, Arkansas, we meet four-year-old Hallee and mom Elicia. Elicia says Hallee is the family diva then makes me vomit when she says, “I was put on this earth to wait on her hand and foot.” I am praying that the editors and just messing with us, and that the beginning of that sentence was, “Hallee thinks,” but I get the feeling that really isn’t the case.
You can get crowns that extend around your face?!?! I’m in!
Hallee is even more special than we thought, she loves beef jerky and wants it bad! Elicia says Hallee has a knack for getting her way. Yeah, it’s called “mom is a pushover without discipline.” Send her my way and I’ll choke-chain her into knocking that shit off. “My God, Hallee,” Elicia says, “It’s like you’re a carnivore or something!” Uh, yeah.
Elicia says beef jerky is Hallee’s favorite treat and what they get her when she is good or does well at pageants. That kid must smell so gross but she sure is going to be popular with the tractor pull guys when she gets older. Now excuse me while I feed venison jerky to my hypoallergenic dog.
And when you are older, jerking beef will be.
Religious music plays and we see crosses on a church. It’s Peckham, Oklahoma, and we’re meeting a very white six-year-old Saryniti (pronounced Serenity, which I’m sure Chinese babies could spell correctly between chemistry and botany classes). She says she’s “proud of God and glitz.” That makes no sense. Why are you “proud” of either of those?
Worse spelled mom Ca’Trina (pronounced Katrina…people, why do you do this to your children?), is black, and I cannot figure out how she managed to get a lily white kid. And they don’t tell us for a while either. She is praying that God keeps his hand on Saryniti during her pageant. Because God has NOTHING BETTER TO DO with his time than worry about an Oklahoma City pageant.
I rubbed the lamp three times and now my wish MUST BE GRANTED, God.
“I have faith my daughter is going to win her first glitz pageant ever,” she says. Amateur! You have no idea what you are up against. Plus, like we’ve seen in previous episodes, sometimes God pays more attention to the prayers of the rich. I’m not really sure why.
“As a conservative Christian mom, I try to remember what the Bible says, just that a woman should be modest,” she says. Someone is in for a big surprise. Imagine glitz pageants meeting the whoring of dressing up for Halloween. She’ll crack right down the middle when she sees how the other girls show up.
Saryniti does her routine and she’s actually pretty good as Ca’Trina says some of the glitz dresses are too revealing. Yes, those kneecaps are way too sexy. “I’ve taken it all to the Lord…and you kind of have to pray about every single thing she puts on.” Really? This is what you are praying for? What your kid is wearing?
Now, here’s my damage Heather…most of you know I have a healthy disrespect for religion (some may call it an unhealthy rudeness), but I have very little tolerance for people who use religion as a crutch or to get what they want in their own little worlds. This is not what religion or being a good Christian/Jew/Muslim/Buddhist/insert religion here is about. If you are going to pray for something for yourself, pray you have enough faith or strength to get you through your life, pray to be thankful you and the family are healthy, stuff like that. Praying to win a pageant or for guidance on how not to look slutty during the competition really has nothing to do with religion. In fact, it’s pretty narcissistic and self-centered, and in this case, not really Christian at all.
“All that prayer is starting to kick in, look at you go!” Ca’Trina says to Saryniti. “Through hours and hours of prayer, the Lord is telling me this is okay and he’s welcoming pageants into our lives,” she interviews. Now, does he do that through email or text? Just wondering how time-efficient the Lord is with all of the other pageant moms.
Back in Forney, Jamie tells us they are going to have “natural highlights” put in Chloe’s hair. Thanks, oxymoron, for including moron in your name. Chloe is also going to have her eyebrows done. Then Jamie basically says that if it came down to facial beauty, Chloe does not have what the judges are normally looking for – the blonde hair/blue eyes combo. She has brown eyes and dirty blonde hair, so basically she’s a freakshow looking for a carnie.
Speaking of which…does Barbara Bush know you raided her jewelry box?
Jamie says the highlights will help them win and she likes to win. Then Chloe says in a voice that says she died inside a long time ago, “I. Like. To. Win.” Convincing. Her hair does look pretty and she’s a really good kid. She and her mom seem to enjoy the time at the salon together too, which is good.
Time for brow waxing! Jamie says that a little bit of pain for a better title, “She’ll take that all day long.” Uh…wait, what?
Back in Siloam Springs, Elicia is about to hose her daughter with spray tan and she chooses to do it in the shower stall so that when Hallee screams and yells – and she does – the noise is amplified all the way to freakin’ Canada. Dad Mark says that you have to have a spray tan to be presentable. Yup.
Hallee screams and yells about how cold it is and how she doesn’t want to get tanned, then she rocks back and forth making sure she gets striped by the tanner when mom finally hits the on button. Hallee wins the argument and there is no tanning. Would it not make sense to give her a Bendryl and spray her when she’s knocked out? Am I the only one that finds solutions?
Back in Peckham where they are once again playing religious music over the footage (unless Peckham has a city theme playing throughout the entire town), Ca’Trina has Saryniti dressed up as a virgin bride. That didn’t work for Madonna, did it now? Oh, wait, yes it did! She wants to be a “swan bride,” which, what the hell is that?
Ca’Trina says Saryniti wants to be a bride because she saw her father’s recent marriage to Ca’Trina…ah, he’s the whitey bringing the insta-family to the table. Now the skin color makes sense. Also, if you were to see the husband you’d immediately think he’d fall more on the KKK side of things than the Ca’Trina side, so kudos to them for being so Hands Across America!
Salt n’ Pepa!
Ca’Trina says she always wanted to have a daughter to do pageants with, then she decided to be specific so she began praying to God that her daughter would be five years old. So God specifically found you a man with a five year old? Again, because he has that kind of time on his hands? Who the hell is taking care of the violence, disease and famine in Africa while he’s busy in Oklahoma finding you some tail with a kid?
Ca’Trina says her husband Joshua is “more liberal” than she us. Well duh, he married a black woman! He thinks Saryniti’s dress is totally fine but Ca’Trina is worried God will stone her for wearing too many ruffles.
How modest does wearing three outfits at once make you? Very.
Josh says, “This is what it’s all about…the glitz and the glams…I say go all the way.” I love the glams. Ca’Trina takes us back to Little House days and says, “You’re her dad…if you say it’s okay, I have to make peace with it.” How ‘bout making peace with the back of my hand as I slap you into 2011? Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate a little modesty (especially after last weekend’s dinner out to a place where the girls were wearing shorts so short and tight, I now know them better than their gynos), but it’s a cute and modest dress. Maybe God could tell you to just chill a little.
Speaking of chill, it’s time to spray-tan. “I had to pray really hard about the spray-tan,” Ca’Trina tells us. This woman needs to get a job or volunteer at a shelter so she has something to occupy her mind. “I’m still not comfortable but I think God’s going to hold my hand through it.” Oh MY God, shut up about God! Namedropper! This gets soooo old, and it doesn’t matter that it’s God…even if she were saying George Clooney instead of God I’d get irritated.
“George, I pray that you are pleased with the things that we’re doing right now. In George’s name, Amen,” she sort of says (I may have replaced God with Folger’s George Clooney). Saryniti gets her tan.
You’ll make a good missionary if you ever really learn what it means to be a good Christian…
it doesn’t include asking for things like crowns.
“What sold me on Saryniti getting her spray tan is that it’s safe even if you’re nine months pregnant. If it’s safe for an unborn child, it will be safe for Saryniti,” she says. Yeah, they used to tell us tanning beds were safe too. I love a good spray tan, but on little kid skin? Meh.
Also, how about asking God for some good taste instead.
In Siloam Springs, Hallee is having “natural” pictures taken. But it’s a glitz pageant, so how will that work? Elicia says glitz pictures are expensive and can make or break you…so turning in photos of your kid in her (gasp!) natural state would be the right choice? I’m so confused. Elicia says she’s not sure what she’ll spend on pictures today, “but it’s at least $200.” Amateur! Hallee just wants to go to the playground. I remember those days. Lucky kid!
Back in God’s country, Ca’Trina shows us a huge china cabinet that is completely empty because they are waiting for Saryniti to fill with all of her crowns and trophies. You know, I probably would have waited until she got through a few more pageants before I bought a ginormous cupboard for her to put in her winnings. She’s new and if she doesn’t do well and going forward she doesn’t either (unless God approves a really good pageant coach like Miss Christy or Miss Margie), sooner or later they’ll start putting dishes in there and it will just be a daily reminder of her failings. Enjoy your childhood!
“Are you gonna win grand supreme?” Ca’Trina asks. Yes, of course she is. Because she’s new, she’s uncoached, and she has to pray to God about every pageant choice she makes. How could she lose?
I’ll be damned (a given), here comes pageant coach Serena. She’s 13 and she’s been Saryniti’s pageant coach for “about a week now,” or basically since they knew they were being filmed and they panicked. She’s really cute in her glasses and she doesn’t seem like a flake, a.k.a. Coach Brandy Sad-Sack. She’s been in pageants since she was newly potty trained and she’s loaning Saryniti a dress. “It just screams glitz,” Ca’Trina says. Probably because it’s a glitz dress.
Nerd alert! I love this kid, it’s like Isabella from previous episodes…a smart pageant girl! Who knew?
Ca’Trina admits that until they met Serena, they had no idea there were ways of walking and standing for a pageant. Uh-huh. Enjoy that “ultimate supreme” crown when you see it, because it’s going to be on some other little girl’s head getting smaller and smaller as she goes home with it.
“I will always have to pray over everything Saryniti is doing in every single pageant,” Ca’Trina says. I think praying for personal gain is really pretty low. Enjoy Hell.
“What I want to win this weekend is my very first crown and trophy,” she says. Yeah, it’s not a crown of thorns, so calm down.
Back in Forney, Jamie is taking pictures of Chloe. Turns out Jamie is quite renaissance woman. She’s a photographer, does pageant hair and makeup, tans and coaches. Probably to pay for all of her own kid’s pageant needs. Well, at least she doesn’t just have her hand out.
Chloe is the “jack-o-lantern” of the family with her teeth all in flux – just coming in, about to come in, almost in…and that can only mean one thing – FLIPPER! She says she doesn’t want to be a jack-o-lantern for Halloween because “they’re fat.” Well, their heads sure are! But good to see you are already obsessing about weight at the age of 9.
Another sure sign Saryniti is going to lose? The goodie bags she and Ca’Trina are going to make for the other girls. If this show has taught us anything it’s that pageants are not about making friends, they are about making sure the other girls feel less than they are and blaming it on the fact that apparently they are ugly and probably poor. On the upside, this is probably the most Christian thing the two of them are doing in regards to this pageant. Or their lives in general.
Ca’Trina asks how she gets joy in her heart. Saryniti says, “First Jesus, then others, then yourself.” Saryniti and I are very different people. I’ve always learned first yourself, then vodka, then a cab. Maybe it’s different in the Midwest.
“She needs to put herself last, in her feelings and her actions, and she’ll always be pleasing to the Lord,” Ca’Trina says. And probably her husband, her bosses, and everyone else except herself. Putting yourself last is exactly what Oprah has warned us about and now that she’s gone, how will Saryniti know? HOW?
Emcee Mr. Todd is totally excited about the pageant and how spoooooky it’s going to be! The Ultimate Grand Supreme winner will get a 5 foot trophy (that I’m guessing WON’T fit into a china cabinet – but this is probably moot point) a 12 inch crown that has a spider on it and that I must have immediately, a sash and oh…some cash.
Pageant day! Jamie is jonesin’ bad for the spider crown…and we find out there are two for the top two winners, of which one is really the loser as we all know. Jamie is doing hair and makeup for Chloe and says they live this 7 days a week. Kill me now. Chloe say “Ow” when Jamie removes a hot roller, Jamie apologizes then sternly says, “Face the other way,” like when I let my dogs outside and they have to be told to get into the grass when they are just jerking around on the patio. Alpha dog!
The patented “I hate you” look. No pageant is complete without one.
Chloe turns into a whiney little bitch and keeps saying her mother is hurting her, but I’m not really sure what Jamie’s doing. Seems like she’s just trying to do your hair but maybe she’s just pulling that one hair that hurts like hell.
Speaking of whiney bitches, Hallee is screaming and crying and they shove root beer down her gullet. I love root beer! “Hallee is on fire,” Elicia says. I wish. Hallee has marked all over her Barbie with a pen! You dumb little monkey! Have some respect for your dolls! Oh, I’m gonna be sick. Barbies are a privilege, not a right, you brat!
How we all feel about the Paris Hilton pregnancy scare.
Over at trainwreck central, we learn Ca’Trina’s friend Katrina will be doing Saryniti’s hair and makeup, and she FORGOT THE HAIRBRUSH AND COMB. Oh my God, seriously? I’m on vacation in NC for a week and am either on the beach sleeping or in bed sleeping and I brought TWO brushes and a COMB, plus a hairdryer, hot rollers, Velcro rollers, hair pins, hair clips and ponytail holders. Get your freakin’ priorities straight!
Ca’Trina goes to the front desk and asks for the “complimentary” comb. Yeah, that’ll work. Why not run to the nearest drugstore and buy what you need, morons? “Friend” Katrina says she’s never done pageant hair and makeup, so basically everyone is doomed. “I’ve forgotten the brush and the hot rollers for her hair.” Wait, you forgot the HOT ROLLERS TOO? Wonder what God would say about this major f*uck up? Probably that Katrina is going to hell. No wonder they named that hurricane after her.
Do you have underwear for the both of us? What about jammies? Toothbrushes?
How about a suitcase, we forgot that too.
Saryniti keeps blinking while they put mascara on her and it’s all over her face. Katrina says, “I know Jesus loves me, but I do not walk on water.” Don’t worry, I think it’s hot burning coals you’ll be walking on. But no worries, Hell is a dry heat. Plus, they’ll be more fun people there. So let’s meet at the cantina!
“God, I just pray that you touch Katrina’s hands and help her do something,” Ca’Trina says. As my small fry co-vacationer says, “They are treating God as a genie in a bottle.” No kidding. I don’t think God works this way and he would be really pissed about you asking for such things when there is so much suffering. With any luck, he is watching ESPN and missing this nonsense.
Yeah, this is a winning look.
“Jesus, Jesus, Jesus,” Ca’Trina says. “We prayed and worshipped and thank him for letting Saryniti live her dream through this opportunity. Amen.” Just, wow.
Please God, grant us this wish because dammit you OWE us.
Mr. Todd is dressed as Dracula, but I’m disappointed he didn’t put the teeth in. I’m sure he could have found a flipper guy who would have done that for him. Anyway, they are starting with – you guessed it! Beauty!
Hallee is up first and she looks really cute. “As long as she has fun and does her best, I’m happy,” Elicia says. Don’t lie, you know you want the crown and try hers on after everyone in the house has gone to sleep.
Hope you don’t land planes by pointing like this.
Saryniti’s group is up…luckily they found a curling iron, probably at the front desk. Mr. Todd calls her name. Calls it again. “Hair and makeup room, we are on a tight schedule…” That room is at the other end of the hotel, so I doubt they can hear you. Jamie asks if Mr. Todd would like her to go to the makeup room and he says hell to the yes. So she runs there and tells them to move ass! Mr. Todd was totally cool when Saryniti got there and welcomed her, which I thought was nice. I guess God was working through him and his kind actions.
When did Dracula get glasses?
Saryniti does pretty well considering she had to be nervous – first time, she’s late, her hair is a colossal mess. Ca’Trina says beauty was harder than she thought, but had she seen the other girls she probably would have run home crying. This ain’t for the faint-hearted.
Ca’Trina says Saryniti wasn’t as prepared or polished as the other girls. Why didn’t you pray to God to smite the other girls in the pageant so she could win? If you’re going to pray for personal gain, do it big.
Great hair, thanks, Hurricane Stylist Katrina.
Katrina says, “She looked washed out. I feel like I disappointed Saryniti, and Ca’Trina AND myself on her first pageant.” Worse? You disappointed God who had some big money on Saryniti’s shoo-in as Ultimate Grand Supreme with Body of Christ and Extra Cheese toppings.
Ca’Trina interviews she was struggling with whether or not this was right for Saryniti, then her voice breaks and she says seeing Saryniti so happy made it all worthwhile. She says she had to be brave because she was so scared for her. Uh-huh. Too bad you didn’t pray to God for strength.
Also, someone seems to be learning very fast.
Next up, Chloe’s category and she’s up against her toughest competitor, Maybre, who is A-dorable. Dark brown eyes and chocolate hair that makes me think I might go darker in the fall – this looks amazing!
Seriously, I’m taking this picture to my stylist come fall.
Chloe gets onstage and look beautiful. She does a great job and she sort of looks like Jessica Simpson when she has it pulled together and looks hot. So basically, early Jessica Simpson.
I’m wishing I were somewhere else right now?
Saryniti is getting dressed for the Halloween Wear and she’s going as the Swan Bride, which who the hell knows what that is. All I know is that for a single career gal like myself, wedding dresses and that whole marriage thing is perfect for Halloween because it would be my biggest, scariest nightmare. I like not sharing the remote and keeping my list of five unlaminated.
Chloe, on the other hand, isn’t playing the virgin bride and instead does another version of Jessica Simpson, Daisy Duke-style. Her outfit is a leeeeettle smaller than it should be what with the cropped top and high-cut shorts.
And we have a winner!
Mr. Todd is in his next costume, Batman and oh, if only George Clooney were in it (sorry, Mr. Todd, but something tells me you’d probably agree with me). He thinks the judges will have trouble with this category because they don’t know what a “glitz trick-or-treater” looks like. Probably just like the regular ones. Either way, I shut my lights off and watch TV upstairs so I don’t get bothered by the 2 trick-or-treaters that come down my street. They know to stay away from the bitch’s witch’s house.
Clooney, is that you? The breakup must have hit you harder than we thought!
Hallee is first up and she’s dressed as Little Bo Peep. Hmm. Not so much scary as cute, but she looks really sweet. Hope she finds those sheep before lonely sheepherders do.
“She’s going to the chapel, but she’s too young to get married, unless she’s on My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, it’s Saryniti,” Mr. Todd says, although I may have embellished that last part. Saryniti looks really nervous, doesn’t smile, and whips the bouquet towards the judges. Ca’Trina informs us that Saryniti messed up her routine. How would anyone know?
Worst glitz dress ever – Halloween or not.
Now Mr. Todd is in Western Wear as he announces Chloe. I have to say, she looks adorable. For a TWENTY YEAR OLD. “When she hits the stage, it’s a job,” Jamie says. It will be in a few years too. Jamie’s concern is the judges will think it’s too risqué for Chloe to be dressed like that. Then I think you yelling, “Ye-ah, baaay-bee,” is probably also inappropriate.
One of the judges interviews that she’d like to see Chloe covered up a little more. Ca’Trina’s face while Chloe is “performing” says it all: That little kid is going to Hell for her whorish ways. “Get it baaay-bee,” Jamie yells. My guess these two moms will not be lunching together too soon.
Maybre, Chloe’s competition, gets onstage straight from Vegas and does a showgirl/Copacabana routine. Would Maybre’s parents really let her out for Halloween like this? Wow. Someone’s dad isn’t doing his job at all.
Ca’Trina interviews that the chances Saryniti will take home a crown are “very small.” Well, no worries, they usually have a participation crown, so the crown may be “very small.” You sure as HELL won’t take home the spider crown. Someone else will and I hope she can’t run as fast as I can because I will be ripping it off her head and running for my car!
Hallee screams at her dad to stop it as her mother interviews that she thinks crowning will “go great.” Only if your kid shuts the hell up. “If she comes home with a crown it’s a YIPEE, if she comes home with money it’s a WOO-HOO!” And if she comes home with a pedophile it’s an OH CRAP!
Mr. Todd is now dressed in his tuxedo with a butterfly eyeglass mask on. It’s like Carnival in Venice I tell ya! They’re starting with beauty and the three and four year olds. Let’s get someone crowned!
First up, Hallee’s group. Princess…oh, wait…someone is done already. A little girl named Alexis is OVER this pageant and flops on the floor in a tantrum. Oh, sure, but I do this at work and am coined “emotional.” Whatever. The princess is Alexis and she decides to celebrate her win by crawling off the stage and basically mooning the judges as she goes. And…scene.
I’ll be at the bar.
The other princess…HALLEE! That means she’s a loser.
Victory is mine…as far as I know…
And Saryniti breaks down crying because she thinks she lost despite the fact that her mom and Katrina 2.0 keep telling her it is not her age group…seriously, they tell her like 50 times and she just doesn’t get it. Maybe someone should have gone over these confusing rules earlier, like BEFORE THE PAGEANT. Too bad God didn’t mention this when he IM’d her.
Or maybe God just hates you. Perhaps he is tired of your constant demands?
Mr. Todd calls the five and six year olds…Princesses…first one, not Saryniti…Ca’Trina interviews that they were praying and worshipping for Saryniti to win. I bet God really, really hates you, you selfish bitch.
Also princess…not Saryniti again…next princess…Saryniti! She is thrilled with her sash and pumpkin crown. One of the judges says she was drawn to Saryniti because of her sweet nature. “Pageants aren’t known for their sweet nature,” she says. No kidding. “Jesus heard me praying,” she says. How has this family not been struck by lightning?
Jesus picked my dreams of a crown over feeding that kid in Africa…yay for me!
“Saryniti got her crown and sash that she asked God for, and God answered her prayers,” Ca’Trina says. One more time: GOD DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY! Go work in a soup kitchen somewhere and see what you really need to be asking for.
I am going to ask God to have the production company follow these folks during one episode this season.
Seven to nine year olds…Chloe has a kick-ass dress on that I must have, it is gorgeous. Turns out they are only handing out a queen crown because Chloe and Maybre pulled for a supreme title. This is going to be close because both girls are doing a great job.
Love this dress…does it come in adult sizes?
Halloween costume category…Hallee wins for Little Bo Peep! She wins like $100 (mom doesn’t know), so that is kind of cool. It’s still not scary, though.
Chloe should win just for the dress…and knowing appropriate crowning attire.
Mini Grand Supreme…Maybre! So that means…Ultimate Grand Supreme is CHLOE! YAY! Jamie and Chloe are thrilled and Chloe gets that kick-ass spider crown. Honestly, Chloe just looks bored when she finds out she won. Perhaps they should consider another hobby for her?
Can you name the honey badger in this photo?
Hallee says she wants to buy lots of candy with her money. Good call. Saryniti is going to put her crown in the cabinet and Ca’Trina says they should have been better prepared. Yeah, bringing hair brushes is kind of KEY when doing pageants.
Then Ca’Trina breaks down and tells us what Saryniti learned but it’s really the lessons SHE learned. I hope she brings God and Jesus into this.
“I think overall she learned a lot of lessons…really hard lessons to learn…and she held it together the best she could,” she says. Uh huh. They hand out the goodies they made for everyone. Ca’Trina says they will continue to do this until God tells them it’s a horrible idea. Does he call or text that and does your plan cover that? Or does the G in 4G actually stand for GOD?
God heard our prayers…now we’re hitting him up for a minivan.
Jamie is thrilled with the cash that Chloe is winning. Chloe says if you touch her crown, it will bite you. “Touch it!” she says. Oh, that time is probably right around the corner for most of you pageant girls, be patient.