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Tuesday, July 5, 2011
11:00 am
64 Comments
Max Mason, Co-director of the Cars and Stars pageant taking place in Indianapolis, Indiana, gets us started with this week’s episode of Toddlers & Tiaras. He informs us that the pageant is “racing-themed” because what else is there to celebrate in Indiana besides the KKK and all the pro-life billboards? “Who doesn’t like the glitz and the glamour and to feel like they’re a star?” Max asks. Uh, heterosexual men?
Sorta…creepy.
We begin meeting our contestants in Carlisle, Indiana, where five year old Caylee tells us she’s a diva. She lies. Mom Jamie looks about 17 and wears too much dark eyeliner all the way around her eyes, but she’s very sweet. She tells us in every pageant Caylee has won a supreme title or an overall title…so basically, participation crowns all around if she doesn’t supreme. The kicker? She usually does natural pageants so this will be her first glitz. I think we all know how that works out for most kids.
Just what we need.
In Chillicothe, Ohio, we meet the freakshows of the episode, crazy mom Lori who puts both her five year old son Braxton and her eight year old daughter Alaska (who she really doesn’t like) into pageants to compete against each other. Jamie Sterling 2.0, anyone? Also, “Alaska”? Jesus, people.
I’m imagining being a parent to only beautiful children.
Braxton’s dad Jay says he will soon be Alaska’s stepfather. Lori seems to be making really good choices on baby daddy scenarios. She tells us the difference between her two kids is “like night and day.” She says that Braxton is gorgeous because he’s from two racial backgrounds. Given that Jay looks Hispanic or Italian or Portuguese or Greek confuses me to no end. What race is he? Black? Because he’s about as black as my coffee, which is a little coffee with tons of cream and sugar (why I even add coffee is a mystery). She really should clarify on the race thing.
Is this guy black? Because I don’t think so.
Lori tells us that Braxton isn’t so cookie-cutter as her blonde-haired, blue-eyed daughter is. We see her coach her daughter confidently when she says, “You’re not a stripper, but shake your butt a little,” to which Alaska responds, “Why would you even say that?” Because she’s a stage mom getting her 15 minutes.
Alaska interviews, “My biggest supporter…would be umm…I don’t really have one.” That is so sad. Then Braxton interviews, “I am Braxton…and my sister doesn’t do as good as me.” Wonder where he picked up on that. Thanks, MOM. Lori interviews that the only way Braxton will lose this pageant is if he fell over dead. Well…spoiler alert for those of you who haven’t watched…when you get the tuxedo measurements, be sure to call the caretaker with them.
Yeah, no one really likes me from what I can tell.
Lori says that we’ll see how Alaska does, then she shrugs and says, “Hopefully she accepts defeat or failure with a smile on her face.” So, you are already planning for her to lose. Why bother having her compete? Or are you just pitting your two kids against each other for sport? Bitch.
Finally, in Junction City, Ohio, which I don’t believe actually exists, we meet seven year old Olivia and mom Dawn. She says her little “country girl” is going to run circles around the competition. Well, they certainly have the Country Home look down pat. I know, because I get that magazine.
Also, I love this kid’s hair.
With every Longaberger basket imaginable behind her, she says her daughter has won almost every pageant she competes in. Mom is a bit of a tight-ass and probably is a pain in the ass when she cooks those apple pies.
Tight. That’s the best word to describe her.
Back in Chillicothe, because duh, that’s where the crazy is, Lisa needs to bleach her kids’ teeth. She says she does it at least once a week whether or not they are competing. When I checked online to see what the recommendation on bleaching baby teeth was, there were a ton of articles specific to this episode and how horrified people were about Lori bleaching her kids’ teeth. At first I thought that Lori was using a whitening toothpaste which wouldn’t be that bad, but with the way the stuff seems to taste, it must be some kind of bleaching agent. These really shouldn’t be used on kids under 12. Nice one, Lori. Have you and Jamie Sterling considered a bowling league?
What’s worse, the bleaching or those nails?
“Flippers are kinda silly,” Lori interviews, “because you are altering what God gave them.” You mean like bleaching teeth is? Alaska fights her mother on it and Lori says, “Your teeth are soooo yellow compared to Braxton’s.” Way to sibling-pressure her.
Jay comes in and is shocked to find out that Lori bleached the kids’ teeth. Seriously? He asks to see what it tastes like and he hates it. He says it’s gross. What is also gross? Look at the book she keeps next to the bleaching agent.
Although I actually do 70, not 7!
The other worse things parents do? Everything you do from dawn until dusk, bitch. Be sure to add bleaching teeth, Steven Covey.
Back in Junction City, Olivia is out feeding the miniature horses and her other farm animals (pigs, chickens, dogs, cats, parents). She mentions that they butcher the pigs and it makes her sad, but it makes her happier when they taste good, so there you go. Yeah, since getting my chickens, I have a hard time making my signature roast chicken, and the one time I brought a roast chicken home from the store, I had to sneak it into the house because I knew they were watching from the coop. They knew what I was eating, though, I could just tell by the way those mother cluckers stared at me the next time I fed them.
Over at the Simply Devine (phone blurred out) Salon in Chillicothe, Braxton and Alaska are getting their hair done, and Lori admits that when she was pregnant with Braxton, she worried what a mixed-race child would look like. Honey, Jay looks like my grandpa and he was German and Czech, so I’d chill a little. Our family could not be whiter if we tried. Maybe Jay is black Irish?
Did you leave this pube on my kid?
She pulls a “weird hair” from Braxton, shows it to Jay and says it’s his weird genes coming through. Maybe he’s just prematurely graying – those hairs are wild. Not that I’d know, and my stylist better keep her mouth shut.
“When I was pregnant I would grab my belly and say, ‘Please have good hair! Please have good hair!’ And when he came out with chestnut hair that was poker-straight and just a little bit of curl, I just couldn’t bring myself to cut it.” You know they have people for that now, right? Also, you should also maybe pray your child is healthy. I’m just saying, hair should be the least of your worries when you are growing a new human.
Apparently Jay is quite the hair connoisseur and checks Braxton’s hair all around. Braxton’s cut is “updated bowl” basically…sort of a mullet, harkening back to the 70s with trimmed bangs and sort of reverse-feathered tapered angles along his face. I’m sure the stylist is like, please don’t tell anyone you get your hair cut here. Lori says if his hair were in pigtails, he could win as a girl. “If he has a big head, it’s because I gave it to him.” Hope he felt like that coming out of your va-jay-jay.
So is stoned 70s rocker the look you were going for? Mission accomplished.
At the salon and spa in Junction City, which sort of looks like it might be in the same area as the gun shop, Olivia is having her nails done. Nail tech Debbie
seems like a huge gossipy pain in the ass and I hope she calls me for drinks soon so we can trash on people I don’t like. She’s been involved with glitz and has some judgy-judgment to pass while looking over her bifocals.
Judgy judgy, and yes it is aimed at you and your glitzy stupidity.
Dawn says for this pageant they are going semi-glitz, which is always a winning move for a GLITZ pageant. Debbie judges and says, “Who is going to be there? Glitz girls? You doin’ a glitz pageant?” and Dawn mumbles a yes. “What the heck are you not doing a glitz girl for?”
Like flannel Russian nesting dolls.
Dawn admits – out loud! – that they were going to do a flower girl dress. Do us all a favor, including your pocketbook, and just stay home. Unless it’s a flower girl dress for My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, you’re toast.
Debbie moves into judgy mode (love it!) and says duh, you’re getting acrylic nails, highlighted hair, tanning your kid, why would you not put her in a glitz dress to match the rest of the fake on your kid? Duh! Dawn, what the hell is going through all of that plaid?
“If you can’t run with the big dogs, then stay on the porch,” Debbie says. Luckily, she has a glitz dress in the back that belongs to her granddaughter, and she loans it to Dawn and Olivia. It fits Olivia perfectly. A little too perfectly. It also looks awesome on her! It’s a beautiful blue color and she looks great. “We are ready to hang with the big dogs,” Dawn says. Arf!
Holy shit! Now Lori wants to dye Alaska’s eyelashes. Yes, let’s ruin her teeth AND eyes in the same episode. Dye near your eyes is such a great idea. Alaska is having none of it until Jay steps in and convinces Alaska. Lori wants to do this because sometimes Alaska cries at pageants, and she says it in such a way that clearly she has purchased a lemon of a child and needs duct tape to make her run well.
That looks really safe.
Alaska says, “I got my eyelashes dyed because everyone really wanted me too. Now that I got them dyed, I don’t really like them. They don’t look like my eyelashes. Well, because they aren’t.” This kid just makes me want to cry. Then it makes me want to put child services on speed dial just for the mofos on this show. I swear, sometimes parents just suck. Thank God they all agree to reality shows.
In Carlisle – oh, yeah, Caylee! She’s having her hair washed and conditioned. Jamie says she will not put Caylee in a flipper because it looks like a horse-mouth. She won’t tan her either. She’s not sure about shaved legs, but she does want to do her eyebrows. Unfortunately for Jamie, she’s a very nice, normal mom, and that does not make for good TV…
Despite the fact she looks like a whiny teen what with the eyeliner and Tiger Beat photos behind her,
she’s really an adult.
…so we’re back in Chillicothe with Lori and her faux ponytail. Lori is preparing for the pageant and asks Jay which jacket Braxton should wear. He wants to know how much it cost and Lori smirks, “Enough.” Then she bitches about loading the car and says it’s “man’s work.” She makes sure the kids don’t have to pee and they take off in their tacky pageant van that has tons of signage about Braxton and Alaska. Hope those peel off and they only got them for this episode.
Pedophiles follow this van!
Pageant day! Ashley Mason (married or a sibling of the other co-director?) calls herself the director but her title lists her as CO-director of the pageant. Bet there was a fight after the show aired. She says they get kids from all over the U.S. which is really sad when we find out there will only be 33 kids competing – 30 girls and 3 boys. Attendance awards all around!
Even her boobs are slouching. She makes me tired.
Lori tells us they have hired a hair and makeup person and Braxton is getting his hair done with a curling iron. Stay strong, florist. The makeup artist puts clear gloss on his eyelashes as Lori tells us the best part of the pageant is playing dress up. For whom?
Dawn gives Braxton a look of death and says she doesn’t think it’s fair that boys compete with the girls because of how much the girls have to do in comparison. Yeah, welcome to the real world, glad you joined us. It’s not just pageants where that occurs. What is going through your Longabergers?
Treehouse sign reads “No Boys Allowed.”
Lori is pleased with Alaska’s makeup because it’s tasteful and dramatic and “she doesn’t look like a hooker.” However, she is NOT pleased with Alaska’s hair…it’s not big and dramatic like she wants. The makeup artist says she wants to keep the hair simple and Lori interviews to us, “I don’t care what you want, I want BIG HAIR.” Don’t we all? Sadly, Alaska’s hair is kept small with a little Shirley Temple bump in the back.
As this episode’s assigned Crazy Mom, I clearly know better than EVERYONE.
Jamie is trying to dress Caylee but she’s running around “like a crazy child.” Jamie says she doesn’t know what Caylee ate for breakfast, and the crack editing team cuts over to two bottles of Mountain Dew. “She’s going crazy,” Jamie says. Well duh. Luckily, she’s just cracking up and making noise, versus crying like a little Ni-Ni bitch.
Speaking of bitches, Lori is screaming at her kids to sit down while Jay is filling out the pageant form. “What three words best describe Alaska?” he asks and her mother says, “Pain in the ass,” except ass is beeped out despite the fact we hear it every day on TV. Also, that was four words. Alaska says, “Pretty, sensitive and playful.” Aww. Jay says, “Ambitions in life?” and Alaska says, “A doctor!” and Jay ignores her and says, “To make some man’s life miserable.” No, that’s Lori. It’s also f#cking rude.
Max Mason, co-director/director/emcee welcomes everyone to the pageant and he looks HI-larious. First of all, his hair is spiked into a fauxhawk and the thinning isn’t helping, and second and worse is the oversized tuxedo he borrowed from Andre the Giant. Seriously, the suit is enormous on him and the pink bowtie is too large in proportion to his head. Next time, check a mirror first. Also, try not to look so scared-slash-skeevy as you look out among the kids. Makes me expect to see you on Dateline.
Bet he practices in his mom’s basement…where he lives.
“Let’s get this party started with our beauty competition,” he says. Are police standing by? He is really giving me the creeps. I think it’s the shifty eyes. Oh no! A ginger! Watch out! Also, kids are falling over themselves. Clearly this is a new pageant and people aren’t taking it seriously. Including the one who just wiped under her nose like the coke she snorted is dripping out.
For example, cute, but in an “I’ll-be-playing-bingo-a- 25 kinda way.”
“Braxton is a little charmer,” Lori interviews. “You’d better lock your daughters up.” Braxton gets onstage and really…sucks. He has no sparkle, shine or energy. He doesn’t smile, he turns like he has to drop a load, and basically he is the worst pageant boy ever. Max describes him as “beautiful beyond belief.” Or bored beyond belief, same dif.
Wow, he really does, uh, sparkle. Like the flame from a Bic lighter on a roach clip.
Lori says Braxton had a look of desperation and she doesn’t like to see that. Mostly because he suuuucks. She says him going onstage on his own is new to him and he’s not used to it. He’s five. Most of the girls do that by age three, so suck it up. Justify it anyway you want, Braxton is going to LOSE if this is his best. Oh, and nice fake smile, if you can call it that.
Caylee is up next and she is ADORABLE! She says her mother is nervous and no shit. However, Caylee is very poised, professional and is wearing a great dress – white and red. She is so pretty. Yay! Mom exhales. Always important.
Adorable! Hand her the crown and let’s go for drinks.
Some girl gets onstage and Max emcees, “Her ambition in life is to be a tattoo artist.” That young and that’s your amibition? Doesn’t anyone want to be a teacher or architect or an immoral banker anymore?
Lori calls Alaska’s hair “jack-up freakin’ hair” and says she’s on her game and everyone else is being half-assed. Alaska says, “You’re really one of the crazy moms.” No kidding.
Olivia gets onstage and she looks really good with her Coal Miner’s Daughter hair and glitz dress. She kept her smile and she has a lot of energy. Dawn is glad they have that dress. Plan ahead next time, Judgy Debbie can’t keep those in the back of her salon all the time.
Man, I could really go for a fluffy cream puff right now, not sure why.
Alaska is up and she is adorable. Lori complains about the tan line on her back and says her daughter “Looks like a giraffe.” Bitch. Giraffes are awesome. Max emcees that Alaska enjoys playing with her brother, pageants, and “to be just like mommy.” A huge, controlling bitch with no concept of reality? Well, everyone needs a dream, even if it is one your mother designed for you.
Like Cameron Diaz before all the sun and smoke damage.
Jay and Lori are happy with Alaska’s performance and Jay tells her flat-out she was “awesome!” Well, there’s your one familial supporter.
Next up, Race Wear. Because how many times can we see checkered flag clothing? Braxton is not dressed yet and Lori needs Jay to help. “Having two children in the pageant is like tying together the tails of two cats.” Please don’t tie cats together.
Nothing worse than a drunk three year old.
Some little girl named Madison comes out and she has…boobies. She has BOOBIES. Like a teenager. And she’s like 6 or 7. I am guessing they are stuffed because no one’s boobs are that perfect, not even Jennifer Aniston’s, but wow. At what point do you stuff your daughter’s outfit to make boobies? Even Kathy Hilton knows better and her daughter is a ho.
It’s come to this, really?
Also, doesn’t she look like someone’s Aunt Edna?
Braxton is up first and go figure, his music isn’t working. The emcee tells them the CD isn’t working and the dramatic music plays. Lori says she almost threw up. The emcee says they can play another racing CD but Lori will have NONE of it. Jay brings his laptop and they play Braxton’s music. Crisis. Averted.
And it’s totally not worth it. Braxton drives out in a car, steps out, nods his head a teeny bit, has no energy or movement or ENTHUSIASM of any sort. Lori admits she didn’t see much of a spark in him today. Much?
Yes. Well worth the wait. Is he even awake?
Jamie is concerned about Caylee because, “She doesn’t have the perfect pageant face.” Rude. However, Caylee does a great job onstage and looks adorable. Jamie always tells Caylee she’s proud of her. Aww.
Walk like an Egyptian…if she didn’t know how to walk and this is how she danced at Seinfeld weddings.
Olivia gets onstage and does her routine and POUTS almost the entire time. Dawn prompts her and points at her cheeks until she’s about to explode and finally Olivia smiles.
Smile. Smile! SMILE!!! OMG F#CKING SMILE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Next up, Alaska. Lori is starting to bet on this horse because she knows Braxton sucked it good. Alaska is good but a little too sexy, especially when she rips her jacket off. Jay says she’s excellent and hits every mark. Be sure to tell HER.
Or just tell her she’ll burn in Hell forever.
Crowning! Dawn says this part stresses her out and it’s pretty obvious she hasn’t had a bowel movement in about 2 days. Dawn, chill. CHILL.
Unlike this family, that shakes it like a Polaroid.
They need time to add things up and Max sends everyone out for an hour.
So he can carry the one in private…
Up first, four to five year olds. Huh…Lori takes this time to go onstage with Braxton who twitches like he’s got palsy or something. Queen goes to…not Braxton! He turns to Lori who spats, “TURN AROUND.” She says he was whining, “Where’s mine?” I think it’s at the next pageant Mr. Big Head. Lori thinks it’s a good thing because he’ll pull out. Thatswhatshesaid. Caylee doesn’t get anything that we see.
You complete failure.
Six to eight year old division, where Olivia is up against Alaska. Queen is…not our girls! Which means we move right into the supreme titles. Lori is convinced Braxton is still in the competition for those titles. NOT.
Spiders everywhere! LSD sucks!
Centerfold Supreme Winner…Braxton! Oh, sucks to be you, Lori. Call the funeral home, he just DIED. He looks totally stoned onstage and has a fake smile like he’s trying to hide the crack under his tongue.
Enjoy the ass you are sucking, Big Head.
Cover Model Supreme Winner…Caylee! Jamie freaks and screams and is stunned they won a supreme title at her first glitz pageant.
So excited her arms have entered another dimension.
Caylee loves the crown because it has stars and butterflies. Yeah, I’m going to need to borrow that for work this week. We have a web redesign going live and I think that will really help the testing go well.
Nailed it!
Mini-Supreme for 4-10 year olds…not Alaska. Alaska says, “I can always do it next year.” Max emcees that there was a tie and he calls Alaska to the stage too! She won a mini-supreme!
I have supporters!
They like me, they really like me! Screw you Sally Field, you and your brittle bones!
She bawls her eyes out which I’m not sure we’ve ever seen a kid do before. She’s validated and Max says, “You did a spectacular job today.” Supporter number two. Just don’t be alone with him.
That face belies nothing but a very, very tight anus. Very tight.
Ultimate Grand Supreme Winner for 4-10 year olds…OLIVIA! That’s a great deal for someone who has never been in a glitz pageant. And now Dawn can eat fiber.
Seriously, unclench.
Max says they had a wonderful time and he hopes we did too. Did we?
What a kickass win…wait, is that ginger on the left trying to steal the crown?
No, I think she’s a daywalker.
Jamie says she’s not sure if Caylee is going into another glitz pageant…she doesn’t want to do a flipper and she doesn’t want Caylee in a two-piece outfit, “And that seems like what they need.” Jamie, you are the best. You are a good mom, you enjoy your kid and you have high standards. I think we have a bowling league for you too, it’s just the one with Isabella’s cool mom on it, not Jamie Sterling or Lori. Nice job raising your kid.
Lori interviews that she was shocked Alaska won over Braxton and Jay says Braxton’s days in pageants are pretty well numbered. They wouldn’t be if he hadn’t sucked so badly.
So blondie my underdog child wins, whatevs.
Jay says Braxton is sort of bored with it. I would check the shoebox under his bed. If it has “oregano” and Dorito’s, I think that might be your answer. Lori admits that maybe it’s time for Braxton to retire.
Guatemalan?
Alaska says she never imagined that she’d do better than Braxton. Oh, honey, I’d tell you to rub it in every chance you got, but it doesn’t seem like you are that kind of kid. Good for you, bad for the viewers. You’re a better person than I would be. “I give me two thumbs up,” she says. Me too.
Thanks for helping mommy lose her pucker.
Next week? Another boy! This one actually has a pulse, though.
I look like I should be complaining about the paper being late. That’s glitz and glamour for you.
TV Social
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64 Comments
The comment system on this recap has been broken! So sorry for the trouble, it’s fixed now.
Ughh. I grew up in West Virginia and am still baffled by how “high class” in the country is determined by how much Longaberger and Vera Bradley you own.
I think Alaska looks like a young Cameron Diaz
Ah ha ha, Vera Bradley! Save me Jeebus! I totally forgot about that…
Flipit – thanks for fixing the comments, I swear I never uncheck that when I’m posting…this recap was possessed!
I know Jay, Lori, Braxton and Alaska, and what you saw is absolutely accurate. They really aren’t into the “big” pageant circuit. Poor Alaska has to wear those awful synthetic “cheer curls” that can’t be styled, so that’s why her hair looks so bad. Oh, on another note, Maddy’s little pink boobie outfit is actually a Dolly Parton costume and it’s really quite hilarious hen she does the routine with the big Grand Ole Opry props. She is a huge winner all over the country…
This weeks show will be interesting as many of our good friends are on it, including the sweet little boy Brock. He’s a TRIP and his family is amazingly sweet. Watch out for Sydney’s Mom…she is a total psycho!
Oh, and Max and Ashley Mason are married. She is widely considered to be one of the slimiest cheats in all of pageants and their “system” is terrible and no one goes but the handful they can sucker in. Max is actually as really nice guy though. When this episode was taped, Ashley was pregnant so that may be the reason for her droopiness! LOL!
“Giraffes are awesome” LMAO so true! Poor little Alaska!
I thought the show would be slim pickins for any really good material, but you totally came through. The captions you put under the photos are always rich, but holy crap…these are awesome!
“…doesn’t she look like someone’s Aunt Edna?” Hahahahaha!!!
I feel like writing you a check for all the laughs you give me.
Ok, wait…the creepy emcee is married to a woman? What? No wonder she looks all slumpy-shouldered! Honey, just because someone has a fabulous time shopping with you and LOVES kids, doesn’t mean you should marry them. I see her sitting on her mom’s couch in a few years sobbing and saying, “But I had no idea!” And speeding down the highway we will see him with all of his possessions crammed into the back seat and a teenage Braxton, smiling dully, sitting beside him in the front seat.
Oh, Crabby – you’ve made my day! I love your recaps because you are just keepin’ it real in a spray tan world.
And @Alice – HA! That’s a very vivid description…are you sure you aren’t Max and are just expressing your hopes and dreams?
(Just kidding…Max would have probably provided more details.)
Ok, I have to delurk. PageantRefugee you have inspired me and there have been too many people we know on this epi and the one tonight- I cannot wait!!!! Sydney’s mom is a complete nut job. Tonight is going to be good. Anywhoo my daughter mostly competes natural but we have crossed the glitz line a few times, and never again! The last time was at the Mason’s Circle City Stars and Guitars. What you saw of them in this episode paints them much better then they come across in real life. Max plays favorites and calls out to the kids he really likes while he is emceeing for other kids on stage. Constantly talking about how much he partied. His wife couldn’t even make it to crowning. Tons of rumors going around that she was hung over. My daughter pulled a title and we still won’t be back. As for Lori, Braxton, Alaska…. Lori doesn’t seem like that in passing, and she is claiming bad editing, bit obviously she did say all those awful things. Alaska I think has really come a long way in her modeling and is adorable and has a lot of potential. When we saw Braxton on stage he still looks like a dud and completely miserable. If I remember correctly he was beaten by…. Zander! Yes he is still in pageants too. Can’t wait to weigh in on tonight!
pageantrefugee – so what nationality IS Alaska’s dad?
So I just only started watching this show a few weeks ago basically to see what the hype is about! I have gone and watched old clips with the NI-NI!
I felt so bad for Alaska. The way her parents-ok mom-treats her is just borrific! Poor girl, she can come and live with me, and I will treat her like a queen! Although I will say that I am glad that Olivia did win, she seems very down to earth. For someone who doens’t do the glitz pagents, she did great. As did Caylee! Those two little girls seem to be doing it for fun, and not because mom wants them to. Yeah, I am looking at you Lori! The way Braxton treats his sister is just gross! My husband was like that “little girl is cute” and I said “no honey, that little boy is cute!” He then asked, “well why the eff does he look like a girl?! After they turn 1 it is time to cute their damn hair, I don’t care how cute they are!”
Can someone please tell me why the let the boys compete with the girls? I am not sure if it was explained or not. I just had never thought that boys would be in pagents….or that there are pagent dads for that matter.
DearCrabby, I have found the perfect crown for you. http://www.circlecitypageants.com/louisville-ky-pageant.html
And don’t miss the WTF crowning photo under the crown. Looks like a de-glitzed and flannel-clad Olivia wrestling the crown onto some pissed-off kid’s head.
Oh, and I just noticed that the taller girl seems to have won in spite of that freaky arm she has growing from her ear to her shoulder. Parents were first cousins, perhaps.
Oh my God, Alice! Did you see the picture at the bottom of the page? Yikes – that is the biggest group of semi-happy people I’ve ever seen. And is that Alaska as the Grand Supreme winner? Maybe I’m just confused because of her plain vanilla cookie cutter look (right Lori?).
Did anyone else find it creepy they had a “centerfold” title? I know it’s just one on a long list of creep-dom, but still, yuck!
Chicken Lips – It absolutely is Alaska…Ha! And I hadn’t noticed the pic at the bottom, but I’m thinking it’s a pageant held at Target, right? Spur of the moment? I might have to print that picture and hang it on our wall the next time we have guests.
And yes, megs…centerfold title. Holy crap.
Can’t comment on this episode as we haven’t had it yet. Just wanted to update on THE Melbourne pageant. Each capital city here in Australia have had protest rallies about it. The media hasn’t been positive as Eden (well her mum really) wanted $20,000 (I am not kidding) for an interview. AND $5000 for Annette. %%%% I am sure Nic, Mel, Hoges and Russell wouldn’t get that here. Kylie once gave me her autograph for NOTHING !! I am not against pageants and when I am able and my share portfolio allows I am coming over with my daughter to compete. The only problem is that the bad press all over Australia will go against anyone trying to start up here.
Why would anyone pay Annete or Eden $5 for an interview?? Are they on crack?? Are there people actually paying those sums for them???
I live for your T&T recaps, DearCrabby!
Okay, Lori’s “Tacky Pageant Van” brings out the vandal in me…if I saw it parked on the street, I would SO kick the mirrors off it…ecchhhh! And a big welcome to “PageantRefugee” and your insider information – keep dishin’!
I must say I totally love Alaska!!! She’s so smart~ I hope she does become Dr. Alaska.
wow crabby, calling a toddler a coke sniffer? You’re clearly demented and a horrible person. Ever heard of colds and allergies crabby pants?
Now matter where a toddler is, if their nose is running, they are going to wipe it away. Sure hope you don’t have kids
Obviously not crabby knows nothing about our DearCrabby or she/he wouldn’t have added that last line!
Haha! Crabby please have kids!
What’s more demented, calling a kid a coke sniffer or putting them in a glitz pageant? I’m going with the latter!!!
MORE DEARCRABBY PLEASE!
Alice, I MUST have that crown! I bet I can outrun the kid who won it once I steal it off her head!
Also – thanks for everyone sending info about pageants info, this whole industry cracks me up.
And “not crabby” – you’re right, it was wrong to insinuate a kid was sniffing coke – I think sniffing heroin is the big thing with the kids these days. My bad. *snort*
I come here all the time and read these recaps, they are hilairous!! Everything pageantrefugee is saying is true, Max & Ashley Mason are snakes, they cheat, play favorites, and are wanna be pageant directors!! Ashley was in fact, too hungover to make it to her last pageants crowning ceremony!! Their pageants are a joke and no “real” competitor will even attend them. I have been watching Toddlers & Tiaras from the beginning, it is actually good entertainment, but there has NEVER been a Real National pageant featured nor will there ever be because REAL directors will not allow it and for that, I am grateful! But it does bother me the world sees only these generic type of pageants and these crazy mothers, I assure you, the pageants we attend are nothing like what is shown on this show! None of the contestants featured are National Level competitors, don’t get me wrong, every child that has the guts to get on stage and perform are winners no matter what and every child is beautiful & special in their own way!! I am just sick & tired of people looking at my daughter funny because she does pageants and that is because of this freak show they portray on here!! I hope & pray it will be canceled in the near future and to all of the “nut jobs” on this show, please, hug your children and step back and see what you are doing to them!!
yeah dear crabby probably knows all about heroin, thanks for the heads up trash
pretty sure talking about toddlers doing drugs is way worse or calling them homesexual
FROM THIS WEBSITE IN THE ABOUT US SECTION. CRABBY CLEARlY HAS ISSUES
A Food Network host wannabe and travel fanatic (only three more continents to go!) , Dear Crabby lived in Chicago for over 10 years before returning to her native Ohio. She loves black martinis, blue cheese burgers, and The Daily Show. A two-time Chicago marathon finisher, she heartily dislikes Smokey Smokersons, slow drivers in the passing lane, and noisy children, especially when they ruin a fine dining experience or a trip to Target. A nouveau spinster, Dear Crabby spends her free time with her Cocker Spaniels and often goes by the pseudonym “Mrs. Clooney.”
Hee! Oh, “not” crabby, seems like you are! Perhaps some fiber would help?
I did not write the following, but thought it was fitting to share
WHile I can appreciate the opinions of anyone, it is clear to me that MOST of the viewers with negative opinions have obviously never even seen a pageant. Our children have VERY normal lives. Pageants are no different than dance recitals, gymnastics meets, or any other competitive sport or activity that children compete in. My children LOVE to go to pageants and I DO NOT care if they win or lose. THat should be obvious as there can only be ONE WINNER and I have TWO TWIN daughters. It is something that we do as a family and we ALL enjoy the hobby, the travel, the friends, and yes the dress up and competition that goes with it. I feel so very blessed to have a husband who loves to be with his family ( even if it means little girl pageants ) As far as winning and losing goes PLEASE If my daughters are wearing gowns that cost from $1000-8000 then OBVIOUSLY it is NOT just about who is the prettiest. My girls are beautiful and I do NOT think that they need ANYTHING, I am not living through my children and HONESTLY could not care less what anyone else thinks about my parenting skills. Truthfully, my girls DO NOT have television at home they just got their first toy that mommie and daddy took them to buy from Walmart. We live on a HUGE farm they have many pets, they have chores and responsiblities. They are healthy, HAPPY, well rounded, intelligent, outgoing, girls that enjoy a hobby. So if my family is SO different from those of you who DO NOT AGREE with pageants that is fine we can agree to disagree or you can argue untill you are tired B/C I do not have time for it and I feel certain that if you dedicate the time to your children that Ron and I dedicate to ours, you should not have the time either!!! As for those of you who THINK that you can diagnose the problems of others but think it is ok to put words like toddler and hooker/prostitot together, I think that you may SERIOUSLY have some pedafile like tendancies and may want to commit your very SICK SICK minds to a facility for HELP. These are children, not lure or bait, children, even with makeup they are still children. And a note for you all while you are leaving your ugly comments on my children, your baby maybe playing in the park in their play clothes being watched by a weirdo! Pageants are for the most part private outsiders can NOT just walk in as you suggest. These children are being watched by loving moms, dads, grandparents etc and everyone knows everyone JUST LIKE AT YOUR dance ,cheer, gym, meets, & as for the clothing I am sure that pageant girls wear MORE! Now just so you know my girls are 3 and already learning to read and write & pageants are NOT their only activity or hobby. They also love to fish, swim, dance, sing, play in the mud, count the cows, and 10,000 other perfectly normal activities,so if you dont mind I would LOVE to get back to my life of being mommie.
“I have TWO TWIN daughters.” As opposed to one twin daughter?!?!?!?
two as in two twin daughters that compete, not one twin daughter
dumb***
What’s a prostitot? Lol.
I only watch this show to read the always entertaining comments section!
I didn’t know 3 year olds could fish. Congrats on the cow counting.
One shouldn’t talk so badly about children. No matter if they are competing in pageants, baseball, dance, gymnastics, cheerleading, football, theater or any other activity. Each genre of sport has it’s own positive benefits. Football requires grueling workouts in late hot summer weather on the field to prepare for the season, are those parents called abusive or crazy? No they are not. Gymnastics requires hours of extensive conditioning, are those parents called delusional or psycho? No, they are not. So why are pageant parents and children the only ones called names and ridiculed? Pageants are a great social forming tool. Are you so stupid to believe only what a reality show airs? All these types of shows are not edited to show positive attributes, they are put together to cause drama and gain rating, thus making the network tons of money. Just ask some of the parents that have been featured on this show. These families are not told how things will pan out in the end. They are also encouraged to say particular little phrases, for the sole reason that in editing, those special words or phrases can but cut apart and shown completely out of context to create a stir. Most of the time, toddlers and tiaras don’t show the right titles being awarded! It’s a show, it’s drama, and what is portrayed is completely displaced compared to what actually happens at big pageant events. Also, toddlers and tiaras will not tape at a pageant unless the director agrees to certain stipulations.
Luke 6:37
“Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven;
Matthew 7:1-5
“Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.
James 4:11-12
Do not speak evil against one another, brothers. The one who speaks against a brother or judges his brother, speaks evil against the law and judges the law. But if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge. There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and to destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor?
Luke 6:31
And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.
Romans 12:20-21
To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
2 Peter 1:5-7
For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love.
2 Peter 3:18
But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To him be the glory both now and to the day of eternity. Amen.
Colossians 3:12-15
Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful.
1 Thessalonians 5:12-16
We ask you, brothers, to respect those who labor among you and are over you in the Lord and admonish you, and to esteem them very highly in love because of their work. Be at peace among yourselves. And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all. See that no one repays anyone evil for evil, but always seek to do good to one another and to everyone. Rejoice always,
Yeah, Opinionated, but Hell is a dry heat. Most recappers will end up there and we’re actually kind of okay with that. Mostly because people like you WON’T be there.
Don’t worry Opinionated – we ridicule everyone equally here. Your pageant kids aren’t getting preferential treatment.
Excellent. I love it when people who are just a tad bit dull witted post on a snarky board.
It’s even better when scripture is included.
Jesus Christ in a sidecar; here we go with the scripture…
The problem–which you pageant moms never seem to get–is that you’re troweling makeup on a toddlers thicker than on your average prostitute, some of the costumes ARE suggestive, and a lot of the dancing, etc., is bumping and grinding dance moves that are just plain disturbing when performed by small children.
I’m glad you love your children, you live on a farm, you know the Bible by heart, and that you’re happy. I still think child pageants aren’t good for kids.
NotWithoutMyTv, You spelled prostitot wrong…:-)
TC, Robin
@opinionated-I am also a tvgasm recapper, and I judge/insult/laugh at California girls, southern folks’, athletes, fat people, latina women from the Bronx, old people, gays, men who have mustaches, housewives, and the blind ALL IN ONE RECAP. But look, on a serious note: It’s all in good fun. I DO NOT, for example, think that every girl from Cali is dumb and anorexic/bulimic, or that every man with a mustache is either a retired 70s porn star, or Hitler. In reality, I’m a very kind, respectful person, and only write what I write in my caps, knowing the person I’m saying it about won’t be reading it. I always say (and truely think)that talking behind someone’s back is just good manners.
All of the site’s cappers know what MOST OF the viewers/readers are thinking, and say/write it with sarcasm, wit, etc (well, not in your opinion, I suppose), and that’s mainly why we were chosen as writers for tvgasm.
The people on these shows are often delusional, and unaware of their delusion, and this is almost always agreed on by the viewers/readers. That’s how these moms appear (the way they are recapped, and is offensive to you), reguardless of one’s opinion toward pageants. When it comes to saying mean things about children, most of them are complete spoiled brats, and spoiled brats are fair game, my friend.
Lastly, people CHOOSE to be on reality t.v., knowing they will be judged by people like us. I’m simply putting mine and others’ opinions and thoughts into writing for a laugh, and am not creating any more judgment than what already exists. The people I am writing aweful things about are more than welcome to judge me in return, but unfortunatly for them, I’ve made the choice to NOT put myself out there for people to watch. They did. Remember that.
@Dear Crabby- Awesome, as usual. And compared to the scrutiny these little hoes would get from me if this was MY show (I realllly can’t stand kids), you are going easy on em. I don’t know how you do it, for real. I COULD NOT recap this show if I tried. Keep it up!!!
Am I really reading this? Long story short if you pageant parents did tart up your little girls no one would have thing to say. The cocaine comment was a joke…you know hahahfunny. Since we somehow have the pageant parents attention I’ll ask a few questions that I have been asking since last season…..Why do you spray tan you little ones? Why the need for a flipper(since gap teeth are freaking adorable)? Why do you have to apply makeup on these angels? Why do they have to do those sexy dances and sexy winks at the judges? I have more but lets start with these. DearCrabby hilarious recap as always.
The poster isn’t opinionated..she’s opiniated. Which means she will steadfastly and persistently hold on to her delusion. No use wasting your breath, you pageant-hating heathens, for she has self-righteousness and the scripture on her side! *thunder booms in the distance*
Btw, opine..you should check out the RHoNJ recaps. We were making fun of 9 yr old gymnasts a few weeks ago.
LOL, Classy! You always pick up on the good stuff, even if you are a dumb***! Although, I would call you a smart*** – much more fitting!! Gotta love the pageant moms.
Holy crap I love you guys! My favorite part was after class points out the obvious redundancy, opines actually repeats the redundancy in her explanation! Oh, i see..that explains it…so much better. Long live equal-opportunity offensive ‘gasm snark!
Moli, to answer your questions…Spraytanning? Pageant stages are under alot of heavy lighting, therefore a spray tan is needed as to not drown the child out. Flippers and makeup go hand in hand with a GLITZ pageant, it is DRESS UP!!!! All of this is for the STAGE, these little girls that do pageants are no different than any other child that is involved in other activities such as dance, cheer, etc. Every one of those children wear make-up, hair pieces, etc. I assure you, not one of these little are seen wearing any of this stuff in their everyday lives!! Geesshh, my suggestion to you is to not judge something you have NO CLUE about!!! As far as the “sexy dances & winks” no different than dance competitions, attend one of those and then get back to me on that!! Its really none of your business, Pageants are fun for my daughter, she is 9 years old and believe me, if she did not want to do them, she would not be there!! She has a mind of her own and knows what she likes and what she doesn’t. Bottom line is this, What I do with my child, is my business!! Opinions are like A*%holes, everyone has one and it does not matter what anyone thinks, pageants will continue to go on and your nasty little comments mean NOTHING!!!!
Damn, realpageantmom, you are NASTY early in the morning. Perhaps you should take this recap off your Favorites list and start reading things that support your crazy. Seriously, if you don’t get this site, and clearly you don’t, go elsewhere. Every time you try to prove your point, you just prove ours.
So little girls WANT to act like ‘women of the night’? Explain to me as I have watched this show for a few season, why have there been former pageant contestants that have stated that it hasn’t always been about the flippers, tanning and such? If you want to show you daughters beauty , why COVER IT UP with makeup and fake hair. If you can recall normal people have a problem with child dancers doing sexy dances as well. The problem is dressing up is like wearing your new Easter dress or the flower girl in someone’s wedding, both occasions you are dressed up and fell like a princess. Being portrayed as an adult(adding falseness to your adorableness) is for who the skeavy judges? My daughter is in dance and makeup for the girls is glitter pink eyeshadow, not fake eyelashes…. mascara….liner. You really should sit down take a breather, I do wonder why if the site angers you so much to have kept returning
Ugh… I swear there’s nothing worse than people who watch themselves on TV then try to justify their behavior. One would think that they’d say to themselves, “Man, I’m a real Class-A Twat. Perhaps I could do something to correct that this weekend; for example, I could volunteer at the local homeless shelter, or maybe I could read a book, or maybe I could just stop dressing my 3 year-old like she’s ready to audition for Rock of Love.”
Just saying.
P.S. Don’t want our opinions on how you’re raising your kids? Don’t prance them out on stage and pay your hard-earned money specifically so they can be JUDGED (a word which you should really look up in the dictionary sometime. Spoiler alert: “opinion” appears in the definition multiple times). You could also try staying the fuck off my TV. If you would just practice your strange brand of parenting in the privacy of your own home, no one would care. Whatever you do, stop telling us it’s not our business, because when you do this shit in public, you make it our business.
P.S. Great recap.
I don’t watch the show because I can’t stomach it, but I read the recaps sometimes because they are hilarious!
As Sarcas pointed out, the angry bible spouting commenter’s name is opiniated, so I’m thinking pinhead! So ms. opiniated here’s my reaction to your vitriol…..you’re an idiot. Not only are you misguided enough to support the slutification of your own “two twin daughters” but when faced with a recap on a snark site, you feel the need to quote scripture to those who I am sure you regard as heathens. I could return the favor but will refrain because when you have to fall back on the bible to justify your actions you have obviously run out of original thoughts. So, to repeat, this is a snark site. The majority of us think that these pageants are offensive, exploitative, and a gift to pedophiles everywhere. When there is a contestant who we adore, we say so, like precious Isabella, Alaska, and future Broadway star Brock. Usually the mothers of the children we admire are not the crazies, but in Alaska’s case she was sweet in spite of her mother.
So you think it’s fine to dress little girls in whore-wear and tell them to shake their booties. Remember this in a few years when your girls begin to date. You have taught them that the way to be attractive and get what they want (a crown now, a football player later) is to dress scantily, pile on makeup, and strut and shake with abandon. How do you think they will go about attracting boys when they hit their teens? Most families have college funds set up, but if you haven’t, don’t worry. Your girls might not need it because they will be home with their eventual prize, a baby.
Don’t come on a site where there is an obvious bias against these ridiculous pageants and then act shocked at the attitudes and comments here. DearCrabby is hilarious but you don’t get it and never will. However, surely you know that the majority of viewers are horrified at these pageants and the parents who sexualize their little girls. So go find like-minded parents and burn up those boards. But come here, and you will be ridiculed and even pitied for your views.
Dear Crabby you’re the best!
Okay, Opinionated, just a few morsels of thought for you to chew on…
First, your indignance when it comes to others on this site “minding their own business” and leaving you and your children alone to go about your lives is a little strange, no? You act as though everyone here has rung your doorbell with poster-board signs of protest to your way of life. Last I checked, you are logging on to this site to read what others have to say, then protesting far too much as to the normalcy of your extracurricular activities with your children.
As to that observation, here’s another: recitals and gymnastics are activities designed to celebrate and showcase a child’s own hard work, talent and dedication. From my couch, so often it looks like these pageants are about “facial beauty” (didn’t one judge even say that facial beauty alone is the ultimate tie-breaker for a supreme pizza title?) and how much money the parents have to spend on glitz (I seem to recall another judge validating this idea with the cold-hearted observation that parents who can’t afford to go full-glitz should “go home”). Ultimately, I see little in these pageants that celebrates the individual achievement of a child; rather, they seem to showcase the idea that beauty and money – especially the money these judges bilk out of their targets, needy parents – are the actual crowning achievements in this industry. Do you see the kind of excess reinforced in the pageant world also happening in the world of competitive gymnastics or musical recitals, especially when pageants seem to have nothing to do with the actual talent of their competitors?
Plus, really? You had to go there quoting the scriptures? I’m a Christian and felt embarrassed for you. Did you really mean to offer up so many verses regarding judgment in order to defend your participation in an industry that is all about the subjective judgment of children?
And if you don’t believe pedophiles are lurking around these pageants, think about little JonBenet Ramsey. I personally came to believe that neither of her parents were responsible for her death, and the more likely scenario was one in which a pedophile who attended those pageants became obsessed with her, gained the family’s trust, and ended up doing the unthinkable. Yes, that’s an extreme case, and just a theory of mine. But think about this: pedophiles all over the country now have a great deal more access to images of young boys and girls through the publicity these pageants now enjoy, any of which can be photo shopped and pasted in any number of disgusting websites just for the pedophile at home to “enjoy.”
If you don’t agree with the idea that dressing up a young child in this manner goes far beyond an innocent “play dress-up” activity usually enjoyed at home, and into the world of publically sexualizing them, then I’d invite you to rethink this idea. But if you really can’t see that these pageants are more for the parents than the child, and want to equate them to achievement-oriented activities such as gymnastics meets or recitals is absolutely ludacris, then, well, then I guess you’ll continue to be upset about anything anyone here has to say to the contrary. But who am I to judge you as a person? I’m definitely not accusing you of wanting any harm to come to your children, please know that. But I would encourage you, whatever your opinions, to stop torturing yourself by coming here to read a satirical set of commentaries about a world few of us endorse, and go about your life.
OMFingG—–can I pay you all to keep going?
I did sort of drone on and on, didn’t I? The only thing I do want to add to this rant is that it wasn’t targeted towards those kids, families and pageant directors who don’t get a lot of airtime. Kids who, like Alex who won this pageant, seem to get a lot out of it and don’t come from obnoxious parents (her Mom’s “Go, Smoothie” cheer notwithstanding). Parents who don’t become addicted early on (ever wonder why these kids ALL won “big titles” in their first few pageants? Hello pixie-stick Big-Gulps for Mom) and have to keep going despite the fact that they can’t afford it (one Mom spent the grocery money), and who don’t force practice and pageants down the throats of kids with a variety of verbally and emotionally abusive tirades. I think these kids and their moms and dads also make good TV, but I guess not good enough for “reality”.
One of the pageant moms or at least a pageant fan in one of these threads used the defense that “it’s a reality show, what do you THINK they’re going to show??”
Well, if you can do the math and realize that reality TV is about exploitation, why would you sign up to be on Toddlers and Tiaras in the first place? You pageant moms think the commenters are being mean? Look at how THE SHOW YOU SIGNED UP FOR edits you to look! Do you think your appearance on the show helped your case for pageants, or hurt it?
(And if you honestly think you’ve found a Bible verse that covers God’s position on televised glitz pageants’, then by all means include it. Otherwise, spare me the Holy Scripture. I’ve got all the Jesus I need. We’re already Facebook friends.)
Oh Cristy,
You just dont want Dear Crabby to talk about your and your child when your on next season. She was fairly nice to you, considering she could have thrown you under a bus with that hair of Alaska’s.
BUT, with your scripture quoting we may have found our pink board washer….. Jealous they arent talking about your kid?
i have never watched this show but these comments are the best thing EVER!!! LOL LOL!
to have someone quote the bible, could you be ANY more of a stereotype if you tried?
also, the person that made the comment that said that it was like we knocked on your door and tried to protest your beliefs, too funny!
although, i have absolutely no reason to be proud, i am proud of the gasm commenters! there are some clever people here!
I love how TVGasm lists the most commented recaps for us. That way I can hunt down the comment war and giggle to myself. I do have to say however that this one is fairly boring compared to the one awhile back where everyone was “luxuriating” all over the place.
Yay!!! Comment Wars!
The emcee reminds me of ethan embry after he grew up and went bald too. Especailly his part in the horror movie Vacancy.
Whether it was a spelling error, a typo, or a simple lack of basic education, “prostitot” is actually very appropriate. ProstiTOT… TOT? ProstiTOT? ProstiTART is good also, but a bit redundant. It could work with the “No I don’t. I don’t never do that.” crowd, though.
I’ve watched a lot of these episodes, because they really are train wrecks, and I can’t stop. The thing that most drives me crazy is “rock it out.” Who invented that? I suspect Miss Margie, because she is hands down the most antique person that uses it. Well, and you can also tell from her hair that she is only slightly post-jurassic. WTF is “rock it out”? It sounds like advice for the constipated.
Why do all the mothers blindly adopt the vernacular, and that awful high-in-the-back striped A-line hairdo that looks like they were attacked from behind at the zoo? Has it never occurred to them that they, too, are missing some vital front teeth, and need their own flippers – just, you know, to appear capable of counting out their own change at the Piggly Wiggly register? Even that nouveau riche female Mick Jagger with the adorable (at least until they get a little older and develop their mother’s neigh-friendly set of permanent chompers) twins Scarlett and Whateverthef&cktheotheronesnameis was completely trailer trash. I have a sneaky suspicion she really did reside in a trailer (single-wide, even), until she met the 800-credit-score-middle-aged-bachelor-desperate-to-reproduce eyewear hawker with the little bitty co-op airplane, and saw Louis Vuitton in the scrambled eggs she sashayed to his table. Some waitresses are psychic that way.
It is all such an irony, the whole pageant culture. They truly believe they are making their children glamorous, and yes, in the Court of Versailles, they would have been, but not now. Now, those kids are just a reason for college-bound young folks to consider becoming therapists, because the demand will greatly exceed the supply by the time they graduate, cha-ching. I can’t think about it too much, or I feel like a sick voyeur watching, and thereby supporting, these travesties of childhood, but they chose to put themselves on public display. They bear some responsibility, right?
There is also a lot to be learned from watching. For example, I now know exactly why the South overlooked the fact that they had no INDUSTRY, and depended upon IMPORTS which could easily be BLOCKADED, before pulling out of the Union in such a haughty fashion. It’s also clear why education in America is in a state of crisis (“Oh, Baby, you done so GOOOOD!”). I see the vague outline of a corollary there… Hmmm.
Last, but not least, I LOVE reading Crabby’s recaps. She’s far more entertaining than the show itself, and she always calls it right. Well done!
To Opinianated: Since you spelled your own screen name wrong – it’s opiniOnated – no doubt you have a daughter named MuhCkeyanZeyeh (in Southern Phonics) you need to rehearse prancing with, so I don’t expect you to heed this, but there is this little thing that’s rectangular and fastened on one side, while the other three sides flap loosely in the wind (very much like the flouncy part of your fluorescent pink teddy with the feather hem, yes, that’s the one). It’s called a dictionary, and inside, you’ll find spelling tips, and even a pronunciation key (that means “how to say it.” I know, you were never made aware that there are words other than photogenic and portfolio that have more than three syllables, but there it is, the harsh truth). It’s very handy for those online rants. I’m sure there’s a night class at the armory where you can learn to use it.