Max Mason, Co-director of the Cars and Stars pageant taking place in Indianapolis, Indiana, gets us started with this week’s episode of Toddlers & Tiaras. He informs us that the pageant is “racing-themed” because what else is there to celebrate in Indiana besides the KKK and all the pro-life billboards? “Who doesn’t like the glitz and the glamour and to feel like they’re a star?” Max asks. Uh, heterosexual men?
We begin meeting our contestants in Carlisle, Indiana, where five year old Caylee tells us she’s a diva. She lies. Mom Jamie looks about 17 and wears too much dark eyeliner all the way around her eyes, but she’s very sweet. She tells us in every pageant Caylee has won a supreme title or an overall title…so basically, participation crowns all around if she doesn’t supreme. The kicker? She usually does natural pageants so this will be her first glitz. I think we all know how that works out for most kids.
Just what we need.
In Chillicothe, Ohio, we meet the freakshows of the episode, crazy mom Lori who puts both her five year old son Braxton and her eight year old daughter Alaska (who she really doesn’t like) into pageants to compete against each other. Jamie Sterling 2.0, anyone? Also, “Alaska”? Jesus, people.
I’m imagining being a parent to only beautiful children.
Braxton’s dad Jay says he will soon be Alaska’s stepfather. Lori seems to be making really good choices on baby daddy scenarios. She tells us the difference between her two kids is “like night and day.” She says that Braxton is gorgeous because he’s from two racial backgrounds. Given that Jay looks Hispanic or Italian or Portuguese or Greek confuses me to no end. What race is he? Black? Because he’s about as black as my coffee, which is a little coffee with tons of cream and sugar (why I even add coffee is a mystery). She really should clarify on the race thing.
Is this guy black? Because I don’t think so.
Lori tells us that Braxton isn’t so cookie-cutter as her blonde-haired, blue-eyed daughter is. We see her coach her daughter confidently when she says, “You’re not a stripper, but shake your butt a little,” to which Alaska responds, “Why would you even say that?” Because she’s a stage mom getting her 15 minutes.
Alaska interviews, “My biggest supporter…would be umm…I don’t really have one.” That is so sad. Then Braxton interviews, “I am Braxton…and my sister doesn’t do as good as me.” Wonder where he picked up on that. Thanks, MOM. Lori interviews that the only way Braxton will lose this pageant is if he fell over dead. Well…spoiler alert for those of you who haven’t watched…when you get the tuxedo measurements, be sure to call the caretaker with them.
Yeah, no one really likes me from what I can tell.
Lori says that we’ll see how Alaska does, then she shrugs and says, “Hopefully she accepts defeat or failure with a smile on her face.” So, you are already planning for her to lose. Why bother having her compete? Or are you just pitting your two kids against each other for sport? Bitch.
Finally, in Junction City, Ohio, which I don’t believe actually exists, we meet seven year old Olivia and mom Dawn. She says her little “country girl” is going to run circles around the competition. Well, they certainly have the Country Home look down pat. I know, because I get that magazine.
Also, I love this kid’s hair.
With every Longaberger basket imaginable behind her, she says her daughter has won almost every pageant she competes in. Mom is a bit of a tight-ass and probably is a pain in the ass when she cooks those apple pies.
Tight. That’s the best word to describe her.
Back in Chillicothe, because duh, that’s where the crazy is, Lisa needs to bleach her kids’ teeth. She says she does it at least once a week whether or not they are competing. When I checked online to see what the recommendation on bleaching baby teeth was, there were a ton of articles specific to this episode and how horrified people were about Lori bleaching her kids’ teeth. At first I thought that Lori was using a whitening toothpaste which wouldn’t be that bad, but with the way the stuff seems to taste, it must be some kind of bleaching agent. These really shouldn’t be used on kids under 12. Nice one, Lori. Have you and Jamie Sterling considered a bowling league?
What’s worse, the bleaching or those nails?
“Flippers are kinda silly,” Lori interviews, “because you are altering what God gave them.” You mean like bleaching teeth is? Alaska fights her mother on it and Lori says, “Your teeth are soooo yellow compared to Braxton’s.” Way to sibling-pressure her.
Jay comes in and is shocked to find out that Lori bleached the kids’ teeth. Seriously? He asks to see what it tastes like and he hates it. He says it’s gross. What is also gross? Look at the book she keeps next to the bleaching agent.
Although I actually do 70, not 7!
The other worse things parents do? Everything you do from dawn until dusk, bitch. Be sure to add bleaching teeth, Steven Covey.
Back in Junction City, Olivia is out feeding the miniature horses and her other farm animals (pigs, chickens, dogs, cats, parents). She mentions that they butcher the pigs and it makes her sad, but it makes her happier when they taste good, so there you go. Yeah, since getting my chickens, I have a hard time making my signature roast chicken, and the one time I brought a roast chicken home from the store, I had to sneak it into the house because I knew they were watching from the coop. They knew what I was eating, though, I could just tell by the way those mother cluckers stared at me the next time I fed them.
Over at the Simply Devine (phone blurred out) Salon in Chillicothe, Braxton and Alaska are getting their hair done, and Lori admits that when she was pregnant with Braxton, she worried what a mixed-race child would look like. Honey, Jay looks like my grandpa and he was German and Czech, so I’d chill a little. Our family could not be whiter if we tried. Maybe Jay is black Irish?
Did you leave this pube on my kid?
She pulls a “weird hair” from Braxton, shows it to Jay and says it’s his weird genes coming through. Maybe he’s just prematurely graying – those hairs are wild. Not that I’d know, and my stylist better keep her mouth shut.
“When I was pregnant I would grab my belly and say, ‘Please have good hair! Please have good hair!’ And when he came out with chestnut hair that was poker-straight and just a little bit of curl, I just couldn’t bring myself to cut it.” You know they have people for that now, right? Also, you should also maybe pray your child is healthy. I’m just saying, hair should be the least of your worries when you are growing a new human.
Apparently Jay is quite the hair connoisseur and checks Braxton’s hair all around. Braxton’s cut is “updated bowl” basically…sort of a mullet, harkening back to the 70s with trimmed bangs and sort of reverse-feathered tapered angles along his face. I’m sure the stylist is like, please don’t tell anyone you get your hair cut here. Lori says if his hair were in pigtails, he could win as a girl. “If he has a big head, it’s because I gave it to him.” Hope he felt like that coming out of your va-jay-jay.
So is stoned 70s rocker the look you were going for? Mission accomplished.
At the salon and spa in Junction City, which sort of looks like it might be in the same area as the gun shop, Olivia is having her nails done. Nail tech Debbie seems like a huge gossipy pain in the ass and I hope she calls me for drinks soon so we can trash on people I don’t like. She’s been involved with glitz and has some judgy-judgment to pass while looking over her bifocals.
Judgy judgy, and yes it is aimed at you and your glitzy stupidity.
Dawn says for this pageant they are going semi-glitz, which is always a winning move for a GLITZ pageant. Debbie judges and says, “Who is going to be there? Glitz girls? You doin’ a glitz pageant?” and Dawn mumbles a yes. “What the heck are you not doing a glitz girl for?”
Like flannel Russian nesting dolls.
Dawn admits – out loud! – that they were going to do a flower girl dress. Do us all a favor, including your pocketbook, and just stay home. Unless it’s a flower girl dress for My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, you’re toast.
Debbie moves into judgy mode (love it!) and says duh, you’re getting acrylic nails, highlighted hair, tanning your kid, why would you not put her in a glitz dress to match the rest of the fake on your kid? Duh! Dawn, what the hell is going through all of that plaid?
“If you can’t run with the big dogs, then stay on the porch,” Debbie says. Luckily, she has a glitz dress in the back that belongs to her granddaughter, and she loans it to Dawn and Olivia. It fits Olivia perfectly. A little too perfectly. It also looks awesome on her! It’s a beautiful blue color and she looks great. “We are ready to hang with the big dogs,” Dawn says. Arf!
Holy shit! Now Lori wants to dye Alaska’s eyelashes. Yes, let’s ruin her teeth AND eyes in the same episode. Dye near your eyes is such a great idea. Alaska is having none of it until Jay steps in and convinces Alaska. Lori wants to do this because sometimes Alaska cries at pageants, and she says it in such a way that clearly she has purchased a lemon of a child and needs duct tape to make her run well.
That looks really safe.
Alaska says, “I got my eyelashes dyed because everyone really wanted me too. Now that I got them dyed, I don’t really like them. They don’t look like my eyelashes. Well, because they aren’t.” This kid just makes me want to cry. Then it makes me want to put child services on speed dial just for the mofos on this show. I swear, sometimes parents just suck. Thank God they all agree to reality shows.
In Carlisle – oh, yeah, Caylee! She’s having her hair washed and conditioned. Jamie says she will not put Caylee in a flipper because it looks like a horse-mouth. She won’t tan her either. She’s not sure about shaved legs, but she does want to do her eyebrows. Unfortunately for Jamie, she’s a very nice, normal mom, and that does not make for good TV…
Despite the fact she looks like a whiny teen what with the eyeliner and Tiger Beat photos behind her,
she’s really an adult.
…so we’re back in Chillicothe with Lori and her faux ponytail. Lori is preparing for the pageant and asks Jay which jacket Braxton should wear. He wants to know how much it cost and Lori smirks, “Enough.” Then she bitches about loading the car and says it’s “man’s work.” She makes sure the kids don’t have to pee and they take off in their tacky pageant van that has tons of signage about Braxton and Alaska. Hope those peel off and they only got them for this episode.
Pedophiles follow this van!
Pageant day! Ashley Mason (married or a sibling of the other co-director?) calls herself the director but her title lists her as CO-director of the pageant. Bet there was a fight after the show aired. She says they get kids from all over the U.S. which is really sad when we find out there will only be 33 kids competing – 30 girls and 3 boys. Attendance awards all around!
Even her boobs are slouching. She makes me tired.
Lori tells us they have hired a hair and makeup person and Braxton is getting his hair done with a curling iron. Stay strong, florist. The makeup artist puts clear gloss on his eyelashes as Lori tells us the best part of the pageant is playing dress up. For whom?
Dawn gives Braxton a look of death and says she doesn’t think it’s fair that boys compete with the girls because of how much the girls have to do in comparison. Yeah, welcome to the real world, glad you joined us. It’s not just pageants where that occurs. What is going through your Longabergers?
Treehouse sign reads “No Boys Allowed.”
Lori is pleased with Alaska’s makeup because it’s tasteful and dramatic and “she doesn’t look like a hooker.” However, she is NOT pleased with Alaska’s hair…it’s not big and dramatic like she wants. The makeup artist says she wants to keep the hair simple and Lori interviews to us, “I don’t care what you want, I want BIG HAIR.” Don’t we all? Sadly, Alaska’s hair is kept small with a little Shirley Temple bump in the back.
As this episode’s assigned Crazy Mom, I clearly know better than EVERYONE.
Jamie is trying to dress Caylee but she’s running around “like a crazy child.” Jamie says she doesn’t know what Caylee ate for breakfast, and the crack editing team cuts over to two bottles of Mountain Dew. “She’s going crazy,” Jamie says. Well duh. Luckily, she’s just cracking up and making noise, versus crying like a little Ni-Ni bitch.
Speaking of bitches, Lori is screaming at her kids to sit down while Jay is filling out the pageant form. “What three words best describe Alaska?” he asks and her mother says, “Pain in the ass,” except ass is beeped out despite the fact we hear it every day on TV. Also, that was four words. Alaska says, “Pretty, sensitive and playful.” Aww. Jay says, “Ambitions in life?” and Alaska says, “A doctor!” and Jay ignores her and says, “To make some man’s life miserable.” No, that’s Lori. It’s also f#cking rude.
Max Mason, co-director/director/emcee welcomes everyone to the pageant and he looks HI-larious. First of all, his hair is spiked into a fauxhawk and the thinning isn’t helping, and second and worse is the oversized tuxedo he borrowed from Andre the Giant. Seriously, the suit is enormous on him and the pink bowtie is too large in proportion to his head. Next time, check a mirror first. Also, try not to look so scared-slash-skeevy as you look out among the kids. Makes me expect to see you on Dateline.
Bet he practices in his mom’s basement…where he lives.
“Let’s get this party started with our beauty competition,” he says. Are police standing by? He is really giving me the creeps. I think it’s the shifty eyes. Oh no! A ginger! Watch out! Also, kids are falling over themselves. Clearly this is a new pageant and people aren’t taking it seriously. Including the one who just wiped under her nose like the coke she snorted is dripping out.
For example, cute, but in an “I’ll-be-playing-bingo-a- 25 kinda way.”
“Braxton is a little charmer,” Lori interviews. “You’d better lock your daughters up.” Braxton gets onstage and really…sucks. He has no sparkle, shine or energy. He doesn’t smile, he turns like he has to drop a load, and basically he is the worst pageant boy ever. Max describes him as “beautiful beyond belief.” Or bored beyond belief, same dif.
Wow, he really does, uh, sparkle. Like the flame from a Bic lighter on a roach clip.
Lori says Braxton had a look of desperation and she doesn’t like to see that. Mostly because he suuuucks. She says him going onstage on his own is new to him and he’s not used to it. He’s five. Most of the girls do that by age three, so suck it up. Justify it anyway you want, Braxton is going to LOSE if this is his best. Oh, and nice fake smile, if you can call it that.
Caylee is up next and she is ADORABLE! She says her mother is nervous and no shit. However, Caylee is very poised, professional and is wearing a great dress – white and red. She is so pretty. Yay! Mom exhales. Always important.
Adorable! Hand her the crown and let’s go for drinks.
Some girl gets onstage and Max emcees, “Her ambition in life is to be a tattoo artist.” That young and that’s your amibition? Doesn’t anyone want to be a teacher or architect or an immoral banker anymore?
Lori calls Alaska’s hair “jack-up freakin’ hair” and says she’s on her game and everyone else is being half-assed. Alaska says, “You’re really one of the crazy moms.” No kidding.
Olivia gets onstage and she looks really good with her Coal Miner’s Daughter hair and glitz dress. She kept her smile and she has a lot of energy. Dawn is glad they have that dress. Plan ahead next time, Judgy Debbie can’t keep those in the back of her salon all the time.
Man, I could really go for a fluffy cream puff right now, not sure why.
Alaska is up and she is adorable. Lori complains about the tan line on her back and says her daughter “Looks like a giraffe.” Bitch. Giraffes are awesome. Max emcees that Alaska enjoys playing with her brother, pageants, and “to be just like mommy.” A huge, controlling bitch with no concept of reality? Well, everyone needs a dream, even if it is one your mother designed for you.
Like Cameron Diaz before all the sun and smoke damage.
Jay and Lori are happy with Alaska’s performance and Jay tells her flat-out she was “awesome!” Well, there’s your one familial supporter.
Next up, Race Wear. Because how many times can we see checkered flag clothing? Braxton is not dressed yet and Lori needs Jay to help. “Having two children in the pageant is like tying together the tails of two cats.” Please don’t tie cats together.
Nothing worse than a drunk three year old.
Some little girl named Madison comes out and she has…boobies. She has BOOBIES. Like a teenager. And she’s like 6 or 7. I am guessing they are stuffed because no one’s boobs are that perfect, not even Jennifer Aniston’s, but wow. At what point do you stuff your daughter’s outfit to make boobies? Even Kathy Hilton knows better and her daughter is a ho.
It’s come to this, really?
Also, doesn’t she look like someone’s Aunt Edna?
Braxton is up first and go figure, his music isn’t working. The emcee tells them the CD isn’t working and the dramatic music plays. Lori says she almost threw up. The emcee says they can play another racing CD but Lori will have NONE of it. Jay brings his laptop and they play Braxton’s music. Crisis. Averted.
And it’s totally not worth it. Braxton drives out in a car, steps out, nods his head a teeny bit, has no energy or movement or ENTHUSIASM of any sort. Lori admits she didn’t see much of a spark in him today. Much?
Yes. Well worth the wait. Is he even awake?
Jamie is concerned about Caylee because, “She doesn’t have the perfect pageant face.” Rude. However, Caylee does a great job onstage and looks adorable. Jamie always tells Caylee she’s proud of her. Aww.
Walk like an Egyptian…if she didn’t know how to walk and this is how she danced at Seinfeld weddings.
Olivia gets onstage and does her routine and POUTS almost the entire time. Dawn prompts her and points at her cheeks until she’s about to explode and finally Olivia smiles.
Smile. Smile! SMILE!!! OMG F#CKING SMILE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Next up, Alaska. Lori is starting to bet on this horse because she knows Braxton sucked it good. Alaska is good but a little too sexy, especially when she rips her jacket off. Jay says she’s excellent and hits every mark. Be sure to tell HER.
Or just tell her she’ll burn in Hell forever.
Crowning! Dawn says this part stresses her out and it’s pretty obvious she hasn’t had a bowel movement in about 2 days. Dawn, chill. CHILL.
Unlike this family, that shakes it like a Polaroid.
They need time to add things up and Max sends everyone out for an hour.
So he can carry the one in private…
Up first, four to five year olds. Huh…Lori takes this time to go onstage with Braxton who twitches like he’s got palsy or something. Queen goes to…not Braxton! He turns to Lori who spats, “TURN AROUND.” She says he was whining, “Where’s mine?” I think it’s at the next pageant Mr. Big Head. Lori thinks it’s a good thing because he’ll pull out. Thatswhatshesaid. Caylee doesn’t get anything that we see.
You complete failure.
Six to eight year old division, where Olivia is up against Alaska. Queen is…not our girls! Which means we move right into the supreme titles. Lori is convinced Braxton is still in the competition for those titles. NOT.
Spiders everywhere! LSD sucks!
Centerfold Supreme Winner…Braxton! Oh, sucks to be you, Lori. Call the funeral home, he just DIED. He looks totally stoned onstage and has a fake smile like he’s trying to hide the crack under his tongue.
Enjoy the ass you are sucking, Big Head.
Cover Model Supreme Winner…Caylee! Jamie freaks and screams and is stunned they won a supreme title at her first glitz pageant.
So excited her arms have entered another dimension.
Caylee loves the crown because it has stars and butterflies. Yeah, I’m going to need to borrow that for work this week. We have a web redesign going live and I think that will really help the testing go well.
Mini-Supreme for 4-10 year olds…not Alaska. Alaska says, “I can always do it next year.” Max emcees that there was a tie and he calls Alaska to the stage too! She won a mini-supreme!
I have supporters!
They like me, they really like me! Screw you Sally Field, you and your brittle bones!
She bawls her eyes out which I’m not sure we’ve ever seen a kid do before. She’s validated and Max says, “You did a spectacular job today.” Supporter number two. Just don’t be alone with him.
That face belies nothing but a very, very tight anus. Very tight.
Ultimate Grand Supreme Winner for 4-10 year olds…OLIVIA! That’s a great deal for someone who has never been in a glitz pageant. And now Dawn can eat fiber.
Max says they had a wonderful time and he hopes we did too. Did we?
What a kickass win…wait, is that ginger on the left trying to steal the crown?
No, I think she’s a daywalker.
Jamie says she’s not sure if Caylee is going into another glitz pageant…she doesn’t want to do a flipper and she doesn’t want Caylee in a two-piece outfit, “And that seems like what they need.” Jamie, you are the best. You are a good mom, you enjoy your kid and you have high standards. I think we have a bowling league for you too, it’s just the one with Isabella’s cool mom on it, not Jamie Sterling or Lori. Nice job raising your kid.
Lori interviews that she was shocked Alaska won over Braxton and Jay says Braxton’s days in pageants are pretty well numbered. They wouldn’t be if he hadn’t sucked so badly.
So blondie my underdog child wins, whatevs.
Jay says Braxton is sort of bored with it. I would check the shoebox under his bed. If it has “oregano” and Dorito’s, I think that might be your answer. Lori admits that maybe it’s time for Braxton to retire.
Alaska says she never imagined that she’d do better than Braxton. Oh, honey, I’d tell you to rub it in every chance you got, but it doesn’t seem like you are that kind of kid. Good for you, bad for the viewers. You’re a better person than I would be. “I give me two thumbs up,” she says. Me too.
Thanks for helping mommy lose her pucker.
Next week? Another boy! This one actually has a pulse, though.
I look like I should be complaining about the paper being late. That’s glitz and glamour for you.