Toddlers & Tiaras MiniCap

Toddlers and Tiaras

By DearCrabby | Thursday, July 28, 2011 | 10:00 am | 16 Comments
Posted in: MiniCaps, Recaps, Toddlers and Tiaras

Wow, there was A LOT of nose-picking in this episode of Toddlers & Tiaras. There must be a dearth of tissue in Georgia.  Just use bark like everyone else there, girls.

Spray tan It’s spray-tan, not PAM!  She’s not going to fry you in a pan!

The Sugar Plum Pageant “is a glitz pageant” says the pageant director who has a ton of opinions about how things should be done and how moms should raise their kids.  Why she doesn’t switch jobs is beyond me.  The pageant begins at 4pm which means prime nap time is missed and boy does it take a toll on everyone.

First up we have Georgia’s answer to the Kardashian family, mom Keeta and daughters Karley and Kylie.  Mom has taken the Jamie Sterling route and has decided just for fun to pit her two daughters against each other in the same age group at the same pageant.  The oldest clearly defers to the youngest but the youngest spends most of her time whining, crying, whining, whining, then whining some more.  Also, looks like mom is clueless about how to match foundation to skin as she tries to make Karley Hispanic.  Also, brown and beige seem to be the colors of choice for hair, clothes and home furnishings in that house.  Yikes.

Next up is third-child is the charmed little girl, Paisley is the family “turd” as they like to call her when she’s acting up.  Personally, she’s more like diarrhea and that sort of comes into play right before she goes onstage as a doll in a box.  Because if they aren’t picking their nose, they have to poop, and luckily she waits until about 10 seconds before going onstage to do just that.

Finally, we have two year old Logan and if history has taught us anything, two year olds don’t’ like to do dick.   Logan is no different, not wanting to get her nails done, not wanting to wear her pageant dress, not wanting to walk pretty.  Poinsettias fly in all directions as she chooses her outfit of choice time to run around like a bat outta hell instead of pageant girl.  And her mother was worried about her eczema being an issue.

Did I mention the nose-picking?  One scene was so awesome, I seriously vomited my morning coffee into the back of my throat.  Pick-and-eat is just not my thing.  You won’t see dogs and chickens do that, and I rest my single-income-no-kids lifestyle on that alone.  Oh, and not sharing the remote with anyone.  Full recap coming soon!

A Food Network host wannabe and travel fanatic (only three more continents to go!) , Dear Crabby lived in Chicago for over 10 years before returning to her native Ohio. She loves black martinis, blue cheese burgers, and The Daily Show. A two-time Chicago marathon finisher, she heartily dislikes Smokey Smokersons, slow drivers in the passing lane, and noisy children, especially when they ruin a fine dining experience or a trip to Target. A nouveau spinster, Dear Crabby spends her free time with her Cocker Spaniels and often goes by the pseudonym “Mrs. Clooney.”

16 Comments

  1. 1
    giffordsaz
    Posted July 28, 2011 at 10:57 am

    was this last night! did I miss it.. damn.

  2. 2
    snappleaddict
    Posted July 28, 2011 at 11:10 am

    I know public schools are broke now, but are ALL the speech teachers in America gone? It seems like in every episode we have a girl who can’t pronounce the letter R. I thought Karlie’s name was Chloe the way the girls were saying it until it flashed on the screen.

    Paisley was the girl last week who “unfairly” beat Peyton in the Pebbles routine.

    Logan was so over it.

  3. 3
    Laura Gill
    Posted July 28, 2011 at 11:30 am

    Watching all those little girls “have lunch” has put me off having lunch for the next ten years.

  4. 4
    Alison Zimmerman
    Posted July 28, 2011 at 11:39 am

    @snapple, yes you are correct in that! I thought she looked familiar, but then again, who names their kid Paisley. She was pretty cute when she looked at her dad and said, “I have to go poo!” And at the end when she said, “I am gonna buy cheese dip!” I had to giggle there! I noticed that everytime one of the moms says,” oh she just loves doing the pagents,” cut to said child screaming, “no, I don’t what to!!” Logan was so over it once she went out for outfit of choice. She definatly missed the nap time.

  5. 5
    Alison Zimmerman
    Posted July 28, 2011 at 11:39 am

    oh, and haven’t the last few episodes been in Georgia?

  6. 6
    whattafan
    Posted July 28, 2011 at 12:18 pm

    I cannot draw another happy breath until the full recap is up!

  7. 7
    PageantRefugee
    Posted July 28, 2011 at 12:54 pm

    Thank you Jesus (in my best Brandi Tutor-Brown voice) for DVR! I’m just watching a bit of this one right now…I don’t have the usual inside scoop on this one because it was a local pageant with no one of “name” so there was no good gossip. I saw a couple of “National Level” faces in the clips though.
    Seriously though, looking at this show and other recent episodes it becomes clearer than a window shined up by Martha Stewart that my instict to withdraw from this hobby is dead on. (Did I mention my lovely child wants to play soccer, take dance, and be a Daisy Scout in the Fall? :-) ) I’ll admit we never really crossed over to the dark side and we had a lot of fun together but I’ve never been able to wrap my mind around going to the lengths so many of these people do…
    That’s all.

  8. 8
    Alison Zimmerman
    Posted July 28, 2011 at 1:01 pm

    Nooo PageantRefugee, if you become a soccer mom, who is going to give us all the dirt on these brats?! –not yours though! I am sure you brought her up right! :) Something gets me every episode, Lola, and the “don’t you take my fowlers!” Peyton and her off roading skills in her Little Red Wagon, and now Paisley with her, “I got money and I am going to go buy some Cheese Dip!” There were a few others that she said. She was pretty cute, except that she had “lunch” during gymnastics…but really, what kid doesn’t eat a boogie or two? Gross I know…

  9. 9
    Fan-Ann
    Posted July 28, 2011 at 1:37 pm

    How absolutely precious for Paisley’s mom to refer to her as a little turd, and to call her booger-eating her lunch or a snack. So, at lunchtime did she refuse to feed her because she had already eaten? I wonder what emotionally abusive things she says off camera.

    PageantRefugee please don’t desert us! We need your scoop, and you are hilarious, unlike that crazy racist bitch who has been hanging around these boards. But, I hope your darling daughter has a ball in her other pursuits.. We love your input!

  10. 10
    Wilma Fengherdu
    Posted July 28, 2011 at 4:56 pm

    @Fan-Ann – **whispering** Who’s the crazy racist bitch?? You can tell us…

    @PageantRefugee – without missing any of your daughter’s new hobbies/activities, can you still go to pageants yourself and deliver the dirt?? Love your insider information!

  11. 11
    Alice
    Posted July 28, 2011 at 5:42 pm

    I cannot believe that child’s mother said she was having a snack. She seriously ruined our T&T ritual, which is to sit on the couch with a giant bowl of popcorn, some form of chocolate, and Diet Coke. Then that kid starts digging around in her nose and WON’T STOP, and the mother said those words that quite possibly will keep me from ever eating again.

    Damn you, T&T, for totally grossing me out.

  12. 12
    Fan-Ann
    Posted July 28, 2011 at 6:30 pm

    @Wilma **come here** check the 7/20 T&T comments. A truly hateful diatribe was removed by flipit, but you’ll get the gist. Also, you’ll see my favorite spelling lesson taught by Alice. A masterpiece of snark!

  13. 13
    PageantRefugee
    Posted July 28, 2011 at 7:23 pm

    @Fan-Ann, Allison, and Wilma…Fear not fellow Gasmi and lovers of all things DearCrabby! Remember, these shows are taped nearly a year in advance so my scoop will travel well into the fall season! (and there are a few doozies I’m looking forward to!)
    Despite the rampant disgust, there is actually a happy way to be involved in this hobby and I hope to think I’ve done so. My darling and I have met so very many amazing Moms and daughters all over the country and the fact remains that the good outweighs the bad in real life. We’ve done natural and glitz, local and national…but at the end of the day it’s always been HER choice. That’s the biggest reason we’re pulling away. You can have all of the thousand dollar outfits and photos you want but if your child’s heart isn’t truly in it, what is the point?? Darling daughter LOVES to get her hair and make up done and play with her friends but I REFUSE to make her a robot, so I’m happy to “Exit, Stage Left” (showing my age with that one! LOL!)
    I want a happy, healthy child. She has gotten a lot from the hobby but she will get a lot from other hobbies too. No harm, no foul.

  14. 14
    Chicken Lips
    Posted July 28, 2011 at 8:04 pm

    I can’t even tell you when I last heard this much crying at one time. And what’s up with all the digging for treasure in the nose? Paisley did it and I just saw Younger Sister doing it, too. My mom would have knocked me back to last week had I done that on national TV.

    Plus, I love when siblings are on and the parents are always “Oh, this one is WAAAAAY better than the other one” and then the less favored one is the winner. And this mom is a real gem: “Well of course she won, she competed against 4 year olds”. Real nice, mom. Let’s not get carried away you know – it wasn’t like she won $10,000 or anything with her ginormous boobs. If 4-6 is the age range, that’s the age range and let’s be excited for your kid.

    Can’t wait for the full recap!

  15. 15
    Alice
    Posted July 29, 2011 at 10:00 am

    @Fan-Ann…thank you for appreciating my snark. You’re my new best friend.
    Also, did you love how June Summer tried to correct my poor grammar? I think she was seriously trying to help me. :)

  16. 16
    Fan-Ann
    Posted July 29, 2011 at 6:23 pm

    @Alice, your lesson was one of the funniest things I have read lately. Hope you have recovered from the gross snack episode. We live to snark another day.

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