Well, kudos to TLC for allowing kids from the short bus to participate in this week’s Toddlers & Tiaras pageant. And the moms weren’t any better in their behavior.
First up is the unfortunately named Destiny, a three year old who asks if she can dance on the pole (their stairway railing). The fact she knows this tells us a lot. And if you thought Ni-Ni was a “hard-workin’ lady,” you’ll be amazed at how hard Destiny’s “pappy” works (and before you vomit, that is her pacifier and not a grandfather). Destiny does not really seem to care for pageants, makeup, getting her hair done, practicing or the word yes. Her mom shows her smarts by admitting on TV through splintered grammar that she has three credit cards, one for “emergencies only,” that are totally maxed out on pageant shit. But shhh…don’t tell her husband!
Next is our poster child for seriously needed professional special needs intervention, Camari. Camari’s mom was hooked on calamari when she was pregnant, so that is where Camari’s name comes from. No, I am not kidding. America, I weep for you. Anyhoo, Camari honestly seems like she has some serious developmental issues – she can barely speak properly and mostly grunts, and she seems to have a hard time focusing. Or not throwing things. Across rooms. Mom plows her with Coca Cola during the entire pageant which doesn’t help. She doesn’t do badly onstage, but she sure as hell isn’t good.
Finally our favorite SamiJo and her nutcase of a mother Tricia beguile us with their lack of clarity on what is actually going on. Tricia has left her turtle-farming husband because he and his family didn’t approve of her pageant spending (because they have their heads screwed on properly), Tricia is a career girl working at cage matches, drag races, posing for trashy calendars and working at a famous wings place that is known for promoting its employees’ hooters. I think it’s BW3. Despite the fact that Tricia tries to convince us and herself that SamiJo has the cognitive abilities of a 17 year old (like that’s something to brag about!), SamiJo channels her two-year-old self to winning the same award she always seems to win – one that doesn’t actually involve her being in the pageant as much as sending a pageant photo in and paying the additional fees.
Seriously funny is the rivalry between Tricia’s and Calamari with Marinara’s mother. One calls the other’s child ugly, one laughs at how much the other’s botches her onstage time and basically they are total and complete bitches. Which makes it extra fun for us. Recap coming soon.
To get the funniest quotes from TVgasm recaps as they’re posted, follow us on Twitter. You can post your favorite lines right back at us. If you want to play games and socialize, like our Facebook page! We’re also now on Pinterest and Tumblr! Thanks for being a part of the gasm!