Toddlers & Tiaras Minicap

Toddlers and Tiaras

By DearCrabby | Thursday, June 30, 2011 | 11:00 am | 14 Comments
Tagged: , , , ,
Posted in: MiniCaps, Recaps, Toddlers and Tiaras
Lester the...oh, you know.They are kids, not candy.

We head to Indianapolis for the “Circle City Stars & Cars” pageant that includes something we haven’t seen in awhile – a boy! Two moms are pretty good, low-key, usually don’t compete in high-glitz and don’t take it too seriously (kind of a mistake), and love their kids. It’s the third mom that could give Jamie Sterling a run for her money. Crazy mom has two kids in the pageant – her first kid, a daughter, blonde-blue-eyed beauty who was clearly from an earlier “situation/baby daddy/one night stand” and her second kid, a son, from the baby daddy she’ll be marrying now that the kid is like 5. Good thinking.


Not good thinking? Pitting these kids against each other and clearly preferring the boy over the girl to the point where the little girl actually says that she has “no supporters.” Holy shit. The little boy has a ego the size of Texas and hair like a 70s rock star – nice mullet, David Cassidy. The most hilarious thing is the mom says kids of two races are always much more attractive, what with her being white and her fiance being…wait, I thought he was Hispanic? Portuguese? Italian? Is he black? If he is, he’s still whiter than Obama. And Kathy Griffith. Not sure how her kid is really mixed-race, everyone’s looking pretty white. As are their teeth – she whitens them every week! Enjoy seeing them all fall out when the chemicals burn through them. As opposed to the eyelashes she has dyed – damn blonde kids ruin everything.


Also creepy? The co-pageant director and emcee who spikes his hair, wears daddy’s suit that is clearly too big, and looks a little too anxious to hang out with the boys. I know we have that judge from the office supply store who needs to be watched carefully, but this guy…hmmm. Icky. Keep that little mixed-race boy away from him! Or not, he kind of sucks. Stay tuned for the recap!

A Food Network host wannabe and travel fanatic (only three more continents to go!) , Dear Crabby lived in Chicago for over 10 years before returning to her native Ohio. She loves black martinis, blue cheese burgers, and The Daily Show. A two-time Chicago marathon finisher, she heartily dislikes Smokey Smokersons, slow drivers in the passing lane, and noisy children, especially when they ruin a fine dining experience or a trip to Target. A nouveau spinster, Dear Crabby spends her free time with her Cocker Spaniels and often goes by the pseudonym “Mrs. Clooney.”

14 Comments

  1. 1
    inpreference
    Posted June 30, 2011 at 7:41 pm

    All I can say after watching this show is, can somebody please save that little girl!!! I have two kids, but can always have room for one more.

  2. 2
    Jacy
    Posted June 30, 2011 at 7:56 pm

    I wanted to cry for Alaska. She is now officially my favorite T and T kid yet. So smart and seems to handle everything amazingly well for having such a horrible mom.

  3. 3
    Chicken Lips
    Posted June 30, 2011 at 8:08 pm

    I’m hoping that the Ross County Child Protective Services was watching this show so that they can save Alaska. I’d say save Braxton, but it seems like he just becomes a cardboard cut out when the pressure is on. Watching that mother made me want to go adopt poor Alaska so at least someone would appreciate her.

    Oh wait, her mother was singing Alaska’s praises…once wonder boy crashed and burned and Alaska did so well. Alaska needs to run away and run fast.

  4. 4
    Fan-Ann
    Posted July 1, 2011 at 4:21 am

    Agree with all the above. Alaska was so sweet, wise beyond her years, and that look of baffled hurt in her eyes when her mother ran her down killed me. That evil witch said that she hoped Alaska would handle failure well, while she bragged non-stop about Zander. For once I really cared about the outcome of a pageant, and Alaska’s surprised thrill was wonderful. This Mom really is the new Jamie Sterling.

  5. 5
    truthsquad
    Posted July 1, 2011 at 7:08 am

    Yeah…I don’t know which alarmed me more…the Mom totally dissing and ignoring her daughter while incessantly pushing and promoting her hapless son…..or the sudden switcheroo at the end when the daughter won and the lightbulb clicked in and she suddenly saw a new meal ticket in front of her. Run Alaska, Run!! (Hide at the local Dentist office…Mom will never find you there!)

  6. 6
    Faye Ellis
    Posted July 1, 2011 at 7:31 am

    I cannot wait for Dearcrabby to let that stroke mouth bitch have it! I have never stood up and cheered for a nacho supreme with extra cheese and chilli winner until Alaska. And I never laughed so hard as when that little interracial window licker just stood there like he was waiting to see how low he scored on an aptitude test

  7. 7
    giffordsaz
    Posted July 1, 2011 at 8:05 am

    Those horrible parents and that slack jawed Zander are part of the problem with School Success and the stories you hear about. You know Zander will be mouth breathing through elemetary school, advancing because of social restraints and mom volunteering in the class. Only to be shocked when he gets to high school and no one gives him a pass because he looks like Mowgli.
    And you all are giving that Dad a free pass. He ws an idiot and they should not allow… DADS or any parental coaching from the freaking spectators gallery! AND if I was a judge and parents stood behind me and screamed while I was judging their kid I would stand up and bitch slap them.

  8. 8
    marijai
    Posted July 1, 2011 at 9:15 am

    People, meet Alaska, our newest resident of the St. Gasmii Orphanage for Wayward Children of Horrible Housewvies and Pagent Moms.

    Braxton will make some nice, wealthy, older man very happy in about 15 years. Thanks Mom!! Glad to know you get your parenting skills from the Jamie Sterling Book of Parenting and Pagents.

    Now, when is this show going to get back to the good stuff?? Damnit I like my pagent trainwrecks where they belong….in the south, with fat moms living vicariously through their bratty, future stripper daughters, just the way God meant for it to be televised.

  9. 9
    Alison Zimmerman
    Posted July 1, 2011 at 9:38 am

    I am so glad I am not the only one that thinks Alaska needs to come home with me! -insert your name here-! I loved it when she told her mom that she was one of those “crazy” pagent moms! Seems like Alaska is doing this for fun..She seemed to have great composure, and if she didn’t win she seemed like she could take it in stride. As for Mowgli, he is not doing this because he wants to, It because mom is making him! Yeah your kid is cute now, just wait until he is 13 and his face breaks out and just to piss you off he goes and shaves his head, then what are you going to do MOM?!!?

    I thought the other 2 little girls did great for never have been in a Glitz pagent…not that I would know the difference….Just started watching this train wreck! Had Olivia won a Natural Pagent? I don’t remember if her mom said that she did. Well if she did I can see why!

    Here is a random question, Do you think that the moms look to see who will be at each pagent and who wont, that way if thier child has never won a big one, they will go and compete? Just a thought.

    Next week, we have another little boy! I totally got that Diva vibe off of him and he is only 5 or 6….

  10. 10
    Fan-Ann
    Posted July 1, 2011 at 11:02 am

    Mowgli! HAHAHAHAHAHA! So perfect! But it won’t take until high school for him to be shunned and bullied for that haircut. And the first time other boys get a look at his crowns, his life will be a misery. Total parenting fail!

  11. 11
    Angelamh66
    Posted July 1, 2011 at 1:18 pm

    I am from Ohio and have been to Chilicothe a number of times. I can’t believe he is getting by with that haircut now. And did he utter a word during the entire episode? By far the worst moment for poor Alaksa was when her soon to be step father said her goal in life was to make some man’s life miserable while she is saying doctor. Shut up step dad. I weep for these children.

  12. 12
    Tracy Lund
    Posted July 1, 2011 at 9:59 pm

    My dvr messed up and didnt record this week, but are we talking about Zander the mom-proclaimed diva that wants to move to Hollywood City?

  13. 13
    Fan-Ann
    Posted July 2, 2011 at 9:29 am

    Not Zander, but another little prince named Braxton. His mother is a piece of work and showed horrible favoritism toward him and she and her next husband put down her sweet daughter Alaska constantly, until they realized she was going to do quite well in the pageant. (the son choked) She gets my nomination for the Jamie Sterling Worst Mom award.

  14. 14
    Alice
    Posted July 5, 2011 at 11:00 pm

    Acckkk! Comments are closed and the new recap is up! I thought the show would be slim pickins for any really good material, but you totally came through. The captions you put under the photos are always rich, but holy crap…these are awesome!
    “…doesn’t she look like someone’s Aunt Edna?” Hahahahaha!!!
    I feel like writing you a check for all the laughs you give me.

Post a Comment

Your email is never published nor shared. Required fields are marked *

*
*

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Human Verification: In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.