Toddlers & Tiaras: No Mercy for Cancer Kids

Rock Star Divas and Dolls pageant hosts an interesting trio of girls on this episode of Toddlers & Tiaras.  Pageant Director Chasity is thrilled to have a “bonafide real Georgia glitz pageant” in Darien, Georgia.  Or more precisely, the gym of some school in Darien.  Klassy.

Wow.  Tight.

First up in Ducktown, Tennessee, “A Quacking Good Place” according to them (actually, the sign reads “A Quacking Good Plac,” what can you do about those vandals stealing Es?), we meet mom Cindi and 2 year old Peyton.  Cindi tells us Peyton will run us over with her wagon and the footage does not disappoint:  Peyton goes careening into the woods in her little red wagon and Cindi freaks as we see little Peyton disappear into the bushes.  That was HILARIOUS.  Why can’t we do that with more kids?  I only say that because Peyton survives.

If a child falls in the woods, do I care?

Cindi tells us Peyton has been in 110 pageants and has won like 90 titles.  Cindi says it’s a dream of hers that Peyton take a title in each of the 50 states and we see a map of the U.S. and it looks like 7 of the 9 pins are in Georgia.  Yeah, that’s the same state, Cindi, did you graduate from Atlanta Public Schools?  Eight states border Tennessee, at least branch out to those as you attempt to reach your goal.

Another drunk baby.  It’s an epidemic on this show.

In Willacoochee, Georgia, next to Hoochie-Coochie I’m guessing, we meet our brat of the episode, Olivia, 3.    Mom Karey says Olivia “has a pretty unique personality” which is usually code for “no discipline leading to diva behavior.”  Karey says her attitude is “pretty grown up,” which is never a good thing for a three year old.

And I love silence!  Shut up!

“You wanna tell me a secret?” Karey asks as Olivia leans forward and says, “I don’t like you.”  “Why you being mean?  That’s ugly,” Karey says.  And it’s just the beginning.

I am trying to make your head explode.

“Olivia is very bossy,” she says, as we see Olivia bossing her mother around and calling her a “Crazy fool!”  She would have landed on the sundown side of next Friday had she said that to me.  Karey says she likes that Olivia has her own little personality and spunk.  Yeah, good luck with that.  Your kid is a freakin’ brat and everyone around you knows it.  Cover it any way you want, your friends are making fun of you behind your back.

“I think the way she looks and way she acts is a direct reflection of me,” Karey says.  Well duuuuhhhhh.  Turns out Olivia has only been in “four or five pageants,” (how do you not know for sure?) “and Olivia better leave with a  crown or she’s gonna have a meltdown.”  Why doesn’t she have a time out?  For like 2 days?

In Richmond Hill, Georgia, we meet real-life pageant princess Haley who is clearly in the Richie Rich category.  Mom Caliese is really nice and well put-together and seems to have a good sense of humor.  She says Haley has been in pageants for about a year and a half (since she was 6) and she always comes home with some kind of award.  So do most of America’s kids; the bar ain’t set that high anymore.  “She says she’s not stopping ‘til she becomes Miss Universe.”  Well, at least her goal is achievable.

Okay, rich girl wins.

“Woo-hoo, sassy!” we hear someone say.  Turns out it’s her dad.  WTF?  “I’m Daniel,” he interviews, “and I’m her diva dad.”  Yeah, you’re so totally gay.  He tells her, “How ‘bout some diva sassiness like this?” and he nods his head up and down.  Oh.  My. God.  Does he sew?

Sassy!  And the shirt confirms it.

Caliese says when they went to one of the pageants, Daniel competed in the “She-Man” competition, let Haley put on his makeup, and came in second place.  Did he?  Or are you too embarrassed to say he swept the competition?  She also says they take pageants seriously.  “We don’t go to lose,” she says.  Kind of a different approach from some other people.

Dad asks if Haley has her flipper in then says, “Give me a perfect 10, a perfect 10, a perfect 10,” as Haley looks in three different directions.  Yikes.  Haley says she’s not worried about anyone at the pageant.  I’m sorry, will there be a temper tantrum or not, because Olivia’s waiting in the wings….

Back in Ducktown, Peyton is going in to get her spray tan.  But no boring salon for her, only the best!  Mom takes her to the local auto body shop to have her spray tanned by the guy who does car paint jobs.  Clearly mom is looking for a new dad, right?

“We thought, what better person to do a spray tan than someone who has sprayed thousands of cars?” Cindi says.  How about the woman at the salon who spray-tans for a living? Or does Ducktown not have that?  Turns out Cindi started spray-tanning Peyton when she was eleven months old.  ELEVEN MONTHS!  Who spray-tans new skin like that?  OMG, Cindi, you are a f#cking moron and really should get a hobby.  Have you considered joining Curves?  I’m just saying…hobby and health in one fell swoop.  Also, will Peyton be getting the clear undercoat with that?

Just like painting my bitchin’ Camaro!

Peyton has been spray tanned 50 times in her life.  She’s 2.  TWO.  And if they started at 11 months, that means she’s getting spray-tanned about once a week.  So she’s running crazy in a body work shop at least once a week.  Where the hell is OSHA for Christ’s sake?

Safe!  And it sort of looks like a kiddie porn snuff film, doesn’t it?

Peyton screams bloody murder, runs out into the shop and trips and falls as the body shop guy says it’s not much different than painting a car.  Yeah, I’m sure cars are just as squirmy and scream “Leave me alone!” over and over.

Oh man, over at Chez Gay dad, Caliese is encouraging her daughter to suntan out by the pool (do people still really do that?).  Haley says she likes the natural tan because it’s “more prettial,” or at least that’s how it sounded.  Dad brings drinks out to the pool asking how the tanning is going – wow, that’s as natural as one of Gordon Ramsey’s Kitchen Nightmares fights!  The creepiest thing is when he says, “There you go, momma, you know which glitz glass is yours.”  I cannot stand it when men call their wives “Mother” or “Momma” or “Mom.”  Although that does explain a lot about the man.

It’s like a weekend at the Barefoot Contessa’s!  Where’s T.R.?

Also, what the hell is that other thing on the tray?  Is that a coconut-shaped sippy cup for him?  That’s really what it looks like.  Oh my God it is – I see it when they toast each other!  I bet he got that at a restaurant that has the words “Tiki” and “Hut” in them when he was there ordering the poo-poo-platter with his boyfriend.  And I bet it’s Ava’s dad David.  Rock on, guys, you would make the perfect couple!

Olivia is getting spray-tanned and says, “This is my moment.”  Live large.  Karey says pale-skinned girls will get looked at funny by judges (and everyone at Lowe’s on the weekends – we can’t help it what with the burn/peel/freckle genetic situation we have going on!) but also your hair, makeup and dress won’t pop.  WE KNOW, why must you taunt us pale-faces?

A game of patty-cake turns violent.

Karey tries to get some dots off of Olivia’s face so she doesn’t have “freckles” (oh bite me) and Olivia actually pushes her away.  She’s such a little brat.  “Judges don’t like freckles!”  Oh, bitch, bring it.  Then Olivia says, “I’m black!”  Everyone laughs because changing races is fun!

Olivia says she wants to “do eyelashes” and Karey makes this big thing about how they’ve been “doing eyelashes” for about a year now, even in regional pageants.  No! Way!  Even in regionals?

Karey says that Olivia is going to have an advantage by being pretty.  “The popular kids aren’t ugly,” she says.  Yeah, but they are on the inside and after college (if they can make it through being a little fish in a big pond) karma usually catches up to those mofos.  And it’s really sweet when you see it at the 20^th high school reunion.  Really sweet.

Then Karey starts speaking in tongues.  “The kids that are pretty get recognized sooner.  You know that ‘Red Rover, Red Rover’…well, ‘I want her to be my girlfriend…so I’m gonna call her to be on my team’…and like I said, it’s nothing I can change…it’s just the way of the world.”  What.  The Hell.  Are you talking about? That whole stream-of-consciousness you just spewed made absolutely no sense.  Try diagramming that sentence, would you?

“I’m sure people criticize me…but y’all need to live in the real world,” she finishes.  Yes, because Hoochie-Coochie, Georgia is just a hotbed of real world activity.  You know, even if she knew how dumb she was going to sound when this aired, I’m sure she would have said the same thing.  Thank you, reality TV, for letting all of us feel so superior.  It’s the one thing we can still afford to do.

Back in Ducktown (I love that town name), Peyton is practicing her “Pebbles” routine and Cindi jinxes everything by saying that Peyton nails it and wins every time she does it.  Cindi’s nephew Josh (I thought it was her son) plays Fred Flintstone in the back.  Is that really necessary?  I mean, you have her in the Pebbles costume and the bone is in her hair.  Do your really need to humiliate a teenage boy?

Also, I bet sometimes she make Rice Krispie treats with Fruity Pebbles.  She just seems like she’s crazy that way.

Cindi says there is a rumor that there is another Pebbles routine, but she hopes they are victorious.  Well, I hope I win the lottery and yet here I am, still paying off student loans.  Peyton falls over.

Over in Richie Richland, Caliese, Daniel and Haley are all getting a mani-pedi.  Daniel says he gets his groove on by getting his twinkle toes shined up.  Case closed.  Haley interviews that her dad does great intel while at the pageants.  Uh-huh.

I build things with my dad, but this dad -daughter time is cool too.

Peyton is pissing and moaning about the false eyelashes her mother is trying to blind her with.  She’s two.  You are going to accidentally glue her eyes shut if she keeps squirming!

Back with Bratlivia and Karey tells us that they show their miniature horse, Bubbles, in horse shows.  “Because when we’re not doing pageants, we try to keep Olivia in everything she can possibly be in,” Karey says.  Except the junior scientists club or Girl Scouts, apparently.

Then PETA has a stroke when Karey says they “food color” the horse so he can be whatever color they want him to be.  Yes, I’m sure that is really healthy and safe.  Be sure to use lots of red.  So they bring the horse into the house, which I would totally call redonk if I didn’t have a bunch of chickens in my basement safe from the heat right now.  Also, how wise is it to be spraying food coloring in your living room?  Freaks.

Is this Toddlers & Tiaras or Hee Haw?

They spray the horse purple.  Blow dry his hair.  Straighten his hair with a straightening tool.  “He’s like a family member,” Karey says.  Who leaves huge piles of shit on the floor.  Like grandpa!

“This is Olivia’s first glitz pageant,” Karey admits to us.  Ah, I love the virgin glitz competitors! “We stopped doing regional pageants because it became unfair,” Karey says.  Man, her head is getting bigger by the minute.  Also, Georgia is right next to Tennessee.  It’s still regional.

Then it gets good.  “There always seemed to be this child or that child who had a history of cancer or some kind of illness, and I feel sorry for them.  But…it shouldn’t sway a judge’s mind,” Karey says.  “And in a glitz pageant, you won’t have to worry about those decisions coming into play.”  Yeah, probably because glitz costs money and those kids are busy paying off chemo bills.  Good thinking.  Oh, and see you next Tuesday, Karey.

Pageant day!  Pageant Director Chasity tells us we’re going to see glitz, glamour and a showboat of fun.  Is it Fleet Week?  I’m sure Haley’s dad will enjoy!  Ooh!  And they are rockin’ out at the McIntosh County Middle School, so you know they went all-out.

As did the decorating committee.

Peyton is being a little brat about getting her makeup done and then Karey goes apeshit that Olivia’s hair is too long for her “fall” (fake hair) so there is nothing but total cancer-patient level tragedy for them at this pageant.

And speaking of tragedy…there’s the money shot.

Holy shit.  Dad Daniel has a walkie-talkie and he’s playing international man of mystery by spying on the stage (“There are three Xs to the front” – which I’m sure they could have deduced by walking into the goddamn gymnasium) and by inappropriately hanging out with the competition.  Dude, they are little girls and you talking to them seems really creepy.  Also, he’s probably only about 10 feet away from his family and could just relay the info to them using his indoor voice and no walkie-talkie.

I’m seeing a couple of suspects…I believe their briefcases contain…the TOTAL PACKAGE.

First up, beauty competition!  Wow, there are a lot of empty seats, not to mention empty bleachers.  Pageant Judge and resident flamboyant high school drama king Blake Woodruff seems a little too sad community theater when he tells us that he likes to see the girls have a presence onstage.  “I like to call it ‘The Total Package,’ factor” he says.  SO DOES EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD!  Jesus, what year is it down there?

Where does my motivation come from for my roles?  Where do I start!?!?!

First up, Peyton.  I LOVE her dress and you know how I feel about wearing yellow.  She’s adorable but not too bright as she shows off her dimples by putting her fingers in her ears and twisting back and forth.  Cindi lets Peyton run around her over and over and interviews that some judges like that and others prefer the poise stance.  “I guess we’ll know at end of day.”  Wouldn’t it be awesome if Peyton totally puked from being dizzy?

Is her talent peeing like a dog?  Well done!

Peyton goes running through the hall and like many children, goes head first without looking.  She runs into a table and falls but no worries folks!  She’s fine.  More importantly, so is the dress!

Two solid objects cannot occupy the same place at the same time.

Tiny Miss Division is next and Olivia is running late and she’s screaming at the top of her lungs, “We can’t stay on the stairs!” and Karey says Olivia’s mood is on the fence.  Hope there’s razor wire on it!

Then Olivia yells at some lady and says, “You’d better stop touching my mommy!” and the lady’s like I didn’t touch your mother and Olivia proceeds to get into an argument with this lady.  Karey explains to Olivia that the lady was trying to get dirt off of her pant leg.  What she needs is to get Olivia off the face of the earth!  What a brat – that takes some nerve for a three year old to yell at another adult.  Guess we only saw the tip of that Titanic-wrecking iceberg when Olivia was at home.

You’d better get some f#cking manners!

Karey interviews her biggest concern is that Olivia will flip out and we see Olivia screaming at her mother and smacking her (I can’t make out what she is saying and they don’t subtitle it) and Karey is like shut the hell up, the judges can hear you.  Then she screams for her mother to go away.  If she’s smart, she’ll go away in her car and go far, far away leaving Olivia behind.

Holy shit!  You’d think by the look on Karey’s face that Olivia just asked for her Ni-Ni!

Olivia walks out and they do that thing where they compare the before and after.  I never usually comment on these, but the editors once again win my heart by showing the bitchy kid in the best possible light.  Olivia picks her nose and holds up her fingers and says, “I have a booger…I got a squishy booger.”  Yes, those are the best when you are three.  Or most men driving in cars who think they are invisible.

You know, she’s cute until she opens her mouth.

So Olivia is onstage and is very boring.  Karey is going bat-shit crazy trying to get Olivia to hit her marks and come towards the stage and Olivia, ever-defiant, is too busy thinking about the squishy booger.  Mom just about herniates a disc motioning to Olivia then just gives up.  She admits, “She didn’t do so good.”  Yeah, too bad there aren’t cancer patients around to really make her shine.

Haley is up next…good manners, her mother says she loves, and she’s sizing up her competition.  Mom says there are some beautiful girls there but that’s what makes the competition fun.  These people are too nice and too grounded for me.  It’s recapper death.

Sparkly!  That’s all I’ve got here.

Haley’s lavender dress is really pretty and she looks beautiful onstage.  I wish I had that many sparkles on my clothes!  The emcee says Haley’s hobbies are soccer, playing with friends, cooking and traveling the world.  So basically she’s a well-rounded person.  Is that a vulture circling above me?  I wish Haley would flip someone off.  Supportive family my ass!

Next up – swimwear!  Peyton is up first and her hair is wild-woman!  It’s splayed out all over her head.  Cindi interviews that she likes to keep control of Peyton but she was running around crazy and let’s face it, Cindi hasn’t run in a long time.  Peyton totally wipes out and everything comes to a quiet standstill.  Then Peyton gets up and kicks more ass.  Sometimes that can get you more points – how you handle things like that.

Why does she keep lifting her leg like that?

Bitchlivia is up next and Karey says if they don’t get her a food and nap soon, she’s going to flip out.  Yeah, I’m the same way every day around three.  Olivia is backstage and screams, “Don’t say another word!  Don’t say that!” and Karey tries to shush her.  Duct tape is your friend!  Bitchlivia tries to put her mother in a time-out.  I wish I could take one from her.

Quality time.

Suddenly the emcee hears Bitchlivia and looks behind her, like who the hell is that stupid?  We hear Olivia screaming “NO!”  and the emcee makes a face like, “Someone is a little bitch.”  Yep.

That kid is worse than this shock of pink in my hair.  How old am I?

Bitchlivia gets up, goes from one X to another and shakes it at every stop.  Honestly, she doesn’t really have a spark.  She’s cute, but there’s not much there when she gets onstage.  Other girls fare better.  However…

This is wrong, wrong, wrong on so many levels.  Is that dad delivering the jailbait?

Daniel interviews that Haley’s beachwear is very strong.  I will give her that, it’s a cute suit with little dangly things and a tie/wrap bottom.  She’s cute.  Her dad says he and his wife are doing a good job raising her.  I know, that’s why I’ve got nothing to say here.  Thanks, jerk!  They bore me, can anyone help?

Youuuuu…..light up my life….you give me hope….to carry on…..

And finally, it’s rock and roll divas and dolls outfit of choice.  Cindi double jinxes things and says every time Peyton does Pebbles she wins.  So Peyton goes onstage with “Fred” and stands there.  She sucks on her drumsticks.  And that is NOT what she said.  She’s about as interesting as a pebble.  Cindi says she felt helpless standing there watching her daughter crash and burn like the meteors that killed the dinosaurs all those years ago.  Or something like that.

Is this supposed to be talent?  Those aren’t kiddie crack pixie sticks!

Next up?  ANOTHER PEBBLES!  And this girl gets out of her custom-made Flintstone car in her leopard print dress and KICKS ASS.  Well, she runs around her car, shakes it like she means it, and is actually awake during her time onstage.

Yeah, she kicked Pebbles 1.o’s ASS.

Bitchlivia starts whining and hitting her mother.  That is sooo charming.  “The screaming and the hitting,” Karey says, “I don’t really get embarrassed when Olivia does it.  She’s still little and it’s still kinda cutesy at this point.”  No it’s not.  In fact, it never was and never will be.  Everyone around you knows you are not a good mother in that you don’t discipline your kid and the longer you wait the harder it will be.  Your kid is a brat, everyone thinks it when they are near you and talks about it in the community.  SUPERBRAT!

“I think a lot of that comes from her wanting…showing the other kids and even the other moms that she’s dominant,” Karey says, as though that is perfectly acceptable.  A three year old should not be dominant to anything!  You need to be the alpha dog, Karey, you dumbass.  Please don’t have any more kids, this one is a lemon and it’s because of your parenting skills.

Olivia gets onstage and basically does the same thing she did for the other times.  Karey calls it perfect then praises her over and over and over again.  Blech.

Caliese tells us Haley is a little nervous today because her outfit of choice routine is somewhat new.  She and Dan tell her to “bring it” and explain what that is to us since we’ve all been living under a rock.  Haley’s outfit is really cute although I’m not sure what it is…Tahitian princess?  She does a great job and says, “I think I killed it out there.”  Her mom compliments her all over the place and she’s super supportive.  This kid is going to turn out fine.

After her stint in an Elvis movie from the 50s.

Chasity explains that winners will get a huge crown and a “custom-embroidered sash” no doubt made by little Chinese girls who are chained to the factory they work in.  Well, at least it’s better than competing in pageants.

Chasity then tells us in very precise words that the girls cannot double-win titles – if they are queen in their category, they cannot win a supreme title.  Chasity, it’s not our first rodeo!  We know that if you lose you win and if you win you lose and basically either way you’ve spent too much money.

Judge Blake says there was some good competition out there.  Okay, he’s like 17 and he’s sporting a 1974 black suit/open black shirt combo that really is calling for a gold medallion.  He’s also taking this way too seriously but you know he’ll become a professional judge for something somewhere.

And once again, the director decided to go with Hugh Jackman.  I am soooo over him!

“Oh moooommmmmy,” Peyton whines.  The kid is wiped out and that whine of hers was so funny.  She asks for some milk.  No Red Bull?  Interesting tactic.  Olivia whines she wants to play on the playground but Karey wants her to get her crown first.  Haley has her dad feel her beating heart.

First up, Wee Miss category.  Second runner up…not Peyton!  First runner up…not Peyton!  Queen…Peyton!  She wins!  So she loses!  Cindi says – and I actually did closed captioning because I couldn’t believe what she said – “I believe unfair pageants should be used as a learning experience.”  What about this was unfair?  I think she did very well.  I’m not sure why now that she got queen instead of a supreme title made this unfair.

Bitter, party of chins…

The Tiny Miss 3-4 year old division is next. “I want the crown!” Bitchlivia says.  Second runner up…not Olivia!  Too bad.  Worse?  The  name of the girl who won is “Alycesaundra.”  Sorry your parents are that stupide and good luck pole dancing.  Karey interviews that although there was tough competition, Olivia did amazing and totally deserves to win.  Yeah, she totally deserves a spanking.

First runner up…not Olivia.  Tiny Miss Division Queen…Olivia!  Oh brother.  Karey said she was shocked and amazed and didn’t expect her to do that well.  Uh, didn’t you just say she deserved to win?  And what else was there besides division queen and supreme?

Suck on that, chemo kids!

The 5-9 category is next.  Second runner up…not Haley!  First runner up…not Haley!  Queen…don’t be Haley, don’t be Haley…it’s NOT Haley!  So she pulled out for a higher title!

Face rhinestones don’t go over well at work, I’ve tried.

Supreme crowning.  They do the 0-4 girls first and Pebbles 2.0, a girl named Paisley (people, PLEASE), won supreme.  Judge Blake says in comparison with Peyton, Paisley kicked ass in outfit of choice.  He said that Peyton didn’t even seem like she was having fun.  She was using the drumsticks as toothpicks, maybe she had some brontosaurus burger stuck in her teeth.

Cindi says she heard a quote once, “Different judges, different day, different results.”  Yes, that sounds like a quote for the ages.  Was that Oscar Wilde or Henry David Thoreau?  Because really, it could be the genius of either.

Ultimate Supreme for 5-9…HALEY!  YAY!  Hard work, good manners and a solid support system works!  Haley gets onstage and cries.  She interviews that she is “so excited.”  Caliese and Daniel both cry.  Daniel says he’s very proud of her.  Girlfriend is going to be running Google some day, you can tell.

Awww.  As a productive member of society, I have nothing on this kid.

Peyton tries to get out of the school and keeps pushing on a door to no avail because she isn’t pushing the bar to unlock the door.  Sucks to be small.  Bitchlivia won’t shut the hell up about the playground so Karey is going to take her out to play on it.  Maybe she’ll fall and become a paraplegic and win the sympathy supreme vote next time.

I WISH you were in a cage…someday maybe…either dancing or serving time.

Next week?  Sisters pitted against each other and it’s not Jamie Sterling’s doing.  So many bad parents out there and thank goodness for us.