Toddlers & Tiaras: No, YOU Shut Up!

There’s one every episode.

HOOOOLY shit, it’s Annette Hill and her amped-on-energy-drink high that kicks off this episode of Toddlers & Tiaras.  I love Annette, I think she’s funny, she could totally dish on people at the pageant, and she doesn’t steal money from people that way that trash-bag-ho Lisa Fulgham did.  Annette is my fav followed closely by Betty.

Annette is the pageant DIE-rector (I love how she says it) of the Universal Royalty Grand Nationals in Austin, Texas (keep it weird, peer pressure groups) and the prize this time is $10,000!  Woo-hoo!  The kicker is that they are letting adult women compete against the zero-year olds.  Boobies on either end of that spectrum – as sustenance and play toys.  That seems fair.

Annette is gonna make it rain!

Annette points out that the prize is in CASH, not some sucky savings bond you’ll eventually lose when you end up on Hoarders.  She says it’s the most money an event like this has given out, so it’s history in the making.  “Get your rhinestone boxing gloves on, it’s gonna be a battle!” she says, squirming all over the place.  Do they have rhinestone boxing gloves?  If so, I’m IN!

No, this is history-making.  Worst Disney movie ever, by the way.

First up we head to Indianapolis, Indiana, which – if you ever take 65 through the city, follow those speed limits people.  Those state patrols don’t jerk around.  We meet our Worst Mother of the Year contestant/shoo-in, the stupidly named Fransoly (seriously), mother of – ready?  Dianely.  Pronounced Dee-ah-nelly.  Or as she’ll be known as an adult, Diane.

Fransoly is a huge cow with painted-on eyebrows and that hideously permed hair that makes it look greasy.  I only bring up how ugly she is on the outside because we are going to find out it matches the inside.  Her only good feature is her skin – very smooth, but most fatties don’t have wrinkles because the FAT fills up their face so nicely.

She has the whole package…hidden in her chins.

Fransoly tells us that Dianely has taken 23 titles in 25 pageants.  She says she is very competitive.  I guess that’s why you’re NOT competing.  Dianely shows us a routine that involves backflips that would make a neurosurgeon’s wallet get thicker.  It’s amazing someone can flip their body over like that.  Dianely tells us she wants to be on the U.S. Olympic gymnastics team.  Wow!  That’s quite a goal.  What does mom think about all of that?

“Mom wants me in pageants,” Dianely laments.  “That was sucky,” Fransoly says about Dianely’s perfect backflips, all the while sitting on the couch like Jabba the Hut.  She interviews that pageants and gymnastics don’t mix.  That’s because one involves you spinning yourself around poles for your country and the other involves the same thing for dirty dollar bills.

Turns out Fransoly took her out of gymnastics because her “muscles started developing too much and she didn’t look right in her beauty dress.”  Yes, it is crazy when working out causes your muscles to develop.  I can see why Fran-rolly-polly might have been confused.  She says she’s not rich so she can’t be changing Dianely’s beauty dress every two to three months.  Because apparently Dianely doesn’t grow UPWARDS, either.

Dianely tries to do a pull up and says she can’t do it, and her mother says, “It’s because your arms are weak.”  Gee, I wonder why?

Yeah, she’s built like the Incredible Hulk, this one.

In Edna, Texas, yeee-ha, we meet our next freakshow family of the episode, the Dr. Phil Family of the Year.  Lola is three and sings, “Trophies, crowns and money!”  She’s going to make someone a good wife, at least until she turns 40.  Mom Lynn blends into the background as Mrs. Hankey, taking on a hue only seen when rotten, wet leaves get stuck outside the sewer for a few days in late fall.

Wow, you really look like ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

Lola has been doing pageants since she was one and has been a raging brat ever since, I’m guessing.  And here comes an even creepier part of the story…Aunt Lee, a.k.a. “MaLee” was the one who wanted to get Lola into pageants.  As some of you pointed out in comments, perhaps she is Lola’s real mother.  Given the fact they have the same haircut, hair color and the word “Ma” is in her nickname, you all might be right…I personally didn’t catch it because I was too busy wondering when Lynn was out and Lee was in as wife and mother.  Their difference is more than just their albedo – Lynn has the energy level of a corpse.  She should consider work as an extra on one of the Law & Orders. As a corpse.

I know none of us judge, but if you did, here’s your evidence.

“Mommy, get out of here!” Lola screams to her mother when she and MaLee are playing.  Lynn says, “You’re making mommy’s heart sooo sad.”  I would be pissed and I would politely ask MaLee to perhaps not show up as much.  I think it’s also strange that MaLee doesn’t really say anything to her.  I cannot stand when people without kids use other people’s kids to fulfill themselves.  It’s like they can’t commit on their own, so they are using yours to fill that hole in their lives.  Meh!  Lola screams two more times at her mother to get out, and the way MaLee looks at Lynn as Lynn leaves makes me think she’s enjoying this.

Dad Ray says MaLee is over there every day spending time with Lola.  Does she not have a job/life/sperm donor?  “She’d move in with her if I let her,” he says.  That is so wrong and very sad on so many levels.  Something is really off with this family.

In San Antonio, Texas, rocking the Riverwalk, seven year old Hailey says she’s a princess onstage and she seems to have the same linguistic affectation her mother has, it’s like Nell or something in this house except no one has had a stroke.  Man, I’m salty about this episode.  Let me poor more wine del Diablo.

Mom Joey says Hailey always gets what she wants (which is odd because Hailey doesn’t really act spoiled or bratty at all).  Then she qualifies it, “And she wants that $10,000 prize.”  Oh, got it.  YOU want the money.  Okay, I’m with you now.  Parade your poodle out.

Cute, but my suspicion is she’d rather be riding horses.

Hailey tells us she likes to win “twophies and cwowns.”  Yeah, I think you need to win a twip to the school’s speech thewapist just for some touch-ups so you can talk pwetty one day.  It’s not horrible but it should be addressed.  Pwetty quickly, too.

Joey says she thinks pageants are very expensive.  You don’t have to think it, THEY ARE EXPENSIVE.  She admits to thinking the pageant moms were crazy when she found out how much they were spending. “And oh my God, it’s me now,” she admits, providing TVgasm readers the most honest sentence uttered ever in the history of the world, or at least reality TV.

Win Westminster for mommy!

Joey says that as a family, they take pageants seriously.  My family takes putting the fun in dysfunction seriously.  Oh, and the lime in the Corona.  Maybe that’s the problem.  Anyway, her family likes to bedazzle her outfits for her and dad says, “It doesn’t make me any less of a man.”  No, but adding that sentence to prove it sure did.

Back in Indy, the “crossroads of America” (no kidding), Jabba the Butt wants to get out the old flipper to see if it fits (hope her teeth haven’t grown!) as Dianely interviews that her “favorite thing about pageants is…………………”  Yep.  Or maybe she didn’t finish because she has weak muscles in her mouth.

The love for pageants is palpable.

“Pageants are a lot of sacrifice,” Fransoly says, like she’s ever sacrificed a morsel, “so she needs to learn commitment.”  The flipper doesn’t fit right so Fransoly says they should take the glue out of it.  Ya think?  Dianely makes the second honest sentence of the episode, that the glue “tastes like something you shouldn’t have in your mouth.”  You mean like glue?  Or something worse?  Because you’re a kid, so let’s stay with the former.

Fransoly begins “coaching” (yelling) at Dianely and tells us that Miss Annette has a lot of rules and one is that girls over six can’t move around a lot.  Wow, Miss Annette, throwing down the pageant gauntlet!  “You have no personality at all!” Fransoly yells.  And you don’t have a wasteline.

This woman is a hot mess of bad mothering and I’m guessing sticky armpits.

Fransoly tells us doing the slower routines bores Dianely.  Or pageants do.  Have you considered something more exciting for her, like gymnastics?  Okay, which reader is going to adopt this kid this week?  “I just think she’s lazy and she doesn’t like to do anything slow.”  That doesn’t even make sense – if she’s lazy, she WOULD like to do things slowly.  Look at yourself, Fransoly.  I’m guessing a team of Jabba’s slaves and droids has to move you from one room to the next.

When Dianely finishes her routine, Fattsoly says, “That was a little bit better but not very good, though.”  I’d like to see you do it if you know so much better.  This woman is right up there with Jamie Sterling I tell ya.

Back over in Edna, MaLee tells us that Lola’s practice stage was built by her father.  The one we see on the show or her real dad?  Anyhoo, the stage is huge and MaLee says normally she likes to practice.  Unfortunately for the production crew, today Lola likes to be Satan.  She screams/spits at MaLee who disciplines her by holding up one finger.  Yes, that should do it.

Where’s Mr. SPANKY when you need him?

But what do they do when she’s good?  They give her a “dance candy.”  And what is dance candy?  No, not a shot of heroin, but a SUGAR CUBE.  Yes, they let these new teeth on this little kid suck on actual sugar cubes.  Sugar cubes.  Cubes of sucrose.  Sadly, Lola just wants to suck on her cubes and she doesn’t want to practice, so Lynn tries that bullshit about her heart hurting.  You know what hurts me?  Your color palette.  Oh, and that shirt with the metallic plastic cross on it.  That’s just tacky.

Is she holding a tooth that just fell out from decay?

Lynn tells us Lola has the personality to win the $10,000 as we see her run away from the stage and hang on to MaLee’s leg.  They tell her “Cilla will do it, that she loves to get up onstage,” and Lola screams, “No!”  Dad Ray tells us that Lola doesn’t like to share (I hear that) and whatever is hers is hers and whatever is yours is hers.  Yeah, that I’m kind of deaf to – what a monster she’s going to be when she hits K-12.  Poor teachers.  Run now while you still can.

If I were her sister, I’d kick the shit out of her when no one was looking and blame the horse.  Or MaLee.

Pre-diabetic Cilla shows up and it’s clear why she’s eating her feelings.  Lola screams and hits her and all the adults let Lola get away with it.  I would be pounding some cookies too if my parents let a three year old beat up on me.  “I think pageants help Lola become an overall better person,” Lynn finishes, looking like an anti-depressant “before” picture.

Cymbalta cannot help this woman.  It flat-out refuses.

Back in San Antonio, team Hailey is putting together pageant posters.  Turns out there’s dad and like 450 women in the family.  As some of you commented, they have been on another reality show and don’t teach their daughters about birth control.  So now they have kids who have kids.  Yeah, I’d kill myself.  Teen Mom is not the way to go, kids.  Because once the production company is gone, that crying, pooping shackle is still around your ankle and US Weekly has moved on to Marc Anthony banging his backup singer.  Dad admits to forgetting everyone’s name.  Meh, I’m sure they don’t notice.

For example, this says it all…and no one is listening.

Joey admits that because she handles the finances, her husband has no clue how much they spend on pageants.  Thank God he’s not watching the episode that features your family!

Sniff or squeeze?  I can never remember.

Back in Indy, Fransoly has apparently just rolled out of bed and is now rolling hair.  She tells us that if Dianely wins the $10,000, it will “probably be re-invested into pageants.”  I wouldn’t call that an investment necessarily as much as I would an addiction.  She tells Dianely that her favorite color is black and Dianely says her favorite colors are “all the colors of the rainbow!”  Thanks, Skittles.  Fransoly says, “Oh that is so tacky, don’t ever say you love all the colors of the rainbow.”  Look, if she were 30 and working at an office, yeah, okay, but she’s a KID!  Let her love all the colors of the rainbow, you nasty bitch!  Are you sure your favorite color isn’t black but CARBONITE?

All the colors of the rainbow my ass!  Who does she think she is, Richard Simmons?

Fransoly tells us in a mocking tone rudely mimicking her daughter, “I love all the colors of the rainbow…You can’t like every color of the rainbow.  You gotta like ONE color.”  Wow, you really told us.  And thank God, because small-mindedness like that really makes us Midwesterner looks most excellent.  Also?  If I had a dick, you could suck it.  Let your kid have the damn rainbow!

Fransoly shows us her embedded class as she puts fake nails on Dianely and then screams, “SHUT UP!” at the dog barking in the background.  I bet she thinks she’s really funny but the truth is she’s a skanky white-trash moron who couldn’t buy class if it were on sale at Walmart (it’s not).

“Pageants affect my family financially…” and I expected her to say, “in the following ways,” because that’s how they start most interventions on, you know, Intervention.  Except instead of pageants it’s “Your drug addiction.”  Eh, same dif.

Turns out Fransoly is multi-talented, which must be hard with her doughy hands, in doing nails, tanning Dianely, using the Sham-Brow™, and telling the dog to shut up.  Dianely says what we are all thinking.  “I wish I had someone else to talk to…besides you.”  Mostly because you talk yell AT her.

Oh, now it’s TWO in every show?  No wonder production costs have increased.

Back in Edna, Lynn tells us that she and Ray are stay-at-home parents as we see Lola going down the slide of their indoor pool.  Say what now huh? How are they so independently wealthy?  I need some clarification on this.  “We can provide all three of our girls with whatever they need,” she says.  HOW?  I must know so that I can do the same for my dogs and chickens.

Seriously, this is IN THEIR HOUSE.  Thanks recession!

Ray, however, tells us that pageants cost a lot, “like maintaining a car,” he says, although with Lola it’s like maintaining a bitch-ass fussy Audi.  That wears an $1050 dress.  Lynn doesn’t buy second hand unless it’s for herself and in the color rust.  Ray “done told” Lola that if she wins “daddy’s getting a lift on his truck.”  I actually like Ray, I bet he’s a good dad and outside of Lola who is really probably MaLee’s and some deadbeat dad’s kid, his girls are not going to end up on the pole.  Good for you, Ray.

Over in San Antonio a woman is calling for tweezers because the Sham-Brow™ is just not doing it.  Hailey tells us her mother told her beauty is pain.  Uh-huh.  “If you want to be beautiful, it has to take pain,” she says.  Great mothering, Joey.  The woman inflicting the pain?  Samantha, Hailey’s coach/sister.

Joey says Samantha plays a critical role in the pageants because she’s “young and hip.”  Joey, are you even 40 yet?  You seem kind of young and hip despite having been on numerous reality shows.

Sadness kind of gives you a masculine vibe.

Samantha has done pageants and clearly Hailey doesn’t like the coaching or being corrected by a sibling.  Hailey gets pissed and starts to cry.  Joey hugs her as Samantha looks on.  “You don’t want to look dumb onstage,” Sam says (great coaching, moron) and Hailey says she doesn’t like Sam.  Get in line.  Where’s Miss Christy or Miss Margie.  Man, how would that be for a night out?  Miss Margie, Miss Christy, Miss Annette and Miss Betty.  Girls Gone Pageant 2012 in Vegas!

Ah, back in Edna where MaLee says Lola is very sweet and nice, we see footage of her smacking MaLee.  Yeah, I kind of feel that way too, something’s wrong with this woman spending so much time with a kid that isn’t her own and making sure the mom feels left out.  Creepy.

Dad clarifies Lola for us, “One minute she’s happy-go-lucky, the next she’s like any other woman…cranky.”  Oh, Ray.  Did you really say that?  Just because it’s true doesn’t mean it should be said out loud.  “She has her moments, but you won’t never see Lola throw a fit,” Lynn says incomprehensibly.  Oh, double negative, you never not stop not giving.

Everyone hops into a eco-friendly 500 foot motor home and heads to the pageant.  I guess that saves on hotel costs?  Or just increases the parking fees, I’m not sure.  Who buys those anymore?

Pageant day!  Annette is still orgasming about the $10,000 cash prize and gives us that we’re making history crap again.  She says the “toughest competition” will be between ages three and up…and up means 18+, which really?  How is that fair?  Boobs always win over no boobs, everyone knows that.

Sweet baby Jesus, TEN GRAND!

Oh my God, really?  Hailey’s family is just packing the car and the pageant starts in three hours.  According to Google maps, it will take 2.5 hours to get from Edna to San Antonio.  So Hailey will have 30 minutes to register and get ready?  Sounds reasonable.  Enjoy losing that $10K.

“Someone is gonna win $10,000 today.  Will it be YOU?” Annette asks.  Uh, no.  I didn’t register.  And this took place in the past.  And stop accosting me through my TV!

MaLee is getting Lola ready and I do get the feeling this is her kid – looks more like her than Lynn and she seems sort of proud of her.  Lynn just sits there like a bump on a log.  No, more like a mushroom on the bump on the log.  They slap Lola full of sugar and cheese puffs.  Good thinking.

She’s channeling Droopy the Dog and Joe Lieberman at the same time.  Hott.

I judge you harshly:  Please get your shit together, “Mother,” if that is your biological title.

Fransoly is getting Dianely ready and doesn’t care that her stomach hurts.  Of course she doesn’t.  Fransoly says Dianely doesn’t like beauty so she doesn’t shine there.  Nice.

Annette is screaming at people to not be late as Joey shows up to try to register.  She interviews that they are always late, they are late people, and I once heard that people who are constantly late are trying to control their lives and the lives of others by being late just because they actually feel they are out of control.  Just a thought I have every time I’m late.  Joey starts to panic that they won’t be able to register.  Well, at least you planned ahead for your ten grand.

Hailey is in a bad mood “like she always is when we get her ready.”  Perhaps you should consider not doing this anymore since it seems like she hates it.  Joey says Hailey really doesn’t have any competition.  Hold that thought.  “None are more beautiful than Hailey.”  Hailey says it’s pain so she has to take it.

The magic of pageants.

Let’s get this pageant started.  Beauty is first, and oh, goody, creepy office guy is there again.  He is a career judge now!

Annette, seriously.  Can’t you help a white brother with the creep factor?  You must know people.

MaLee tells Lynn, “I’m going up on this side, you go sit over there,” pointing to the far side of the room.  Okay, first of all, not your kid to be dictating where the mother should be during the pageant and second, what is your deal?  Is this your kid?  Then perhaps instead of ordering Lynn around while she’s raising your kid, you should raise the kid yourself.  I hear they are cheap and easy to deal with.  Good luck to ya.  And Lynn? GROW A PAIR and kick your bitch sister out on her ass.  She needs a hobby.  And if that kid isn’t hers, I’d move.  Something’s wrong with that woman.  As Lynn leaves, MaLee jokes to Lola, “Leave us alone!”  Eat shit.

Lynn interviews that MaLee is going to walk onstage with Lola for her beauty walk and she seems sort of upset about it.  Dr. Phil, get this family on the show.  Annette calls Nevada, New-vada.  Oh Annette.

Up first, Lola!  She gets onstage with MaLee who is very noisy about giving her directions…I would totally take points off for that.  Practice at home, not at the pageant.  Seriously, MaLee treats her like a trained poodle onstage.  It’s weird.  “Sit!  Speak!  Lie down!  Play dead!  Stop sniffing that other pageant girl’s butt!”

Wow, the electricity is…off!

Hailey is running late for line up and Miss Annette won’t have it.  Rut-roh.  No, wait, crisis over…she’s there.  Damn elevator, you should have left Edna earlier.

Hailey is shaking like a leaf before going on and she looks very unhappy to be there.  When she gets onstage she’s adorable but the truth is, she doesn’t look like she’s having fun.  Joey goes off about having seen two of the judges at other pageants before and she feels like they prefer blondes and always pick the same kind of girls.  Eh, sort of good point, I guess.  Joey tells Hailey she’s proud of her, which is cool.

Dianely is up next and Fransoly pontificates as only an idiot can that Dianely’s only competitor is herself, if she doesn’t perform like the trained pooch she is.  Dianely is fine onstage but the top of her dress is really odd.  “Dianely says special thanks to my mom for making my dream come true,” Annette says about Dianely.  Except her dream is to be a gymnast, to special thanks to her mom for f#cking up her life.  “I push her because I know she wants it,” Fransoly says, not realizing SHE DOESN’T.

Don’t f#ck up like I know you will.

Annette continues her day-long ‘gasm by talking about how women are coming out of retirement to win the ten grand.  And are they!  Even Barbie is there, holding up her boobs until it’s time to bounce them on the soft spot of the zero year olds’ heads.  Again, how is this fair?  Makes no sense.  Barbie’s dream is to become a mortician and open her own funeral home.  Are you kidding me?  Who dreams of that nowadays, especially with cremation being the “IT” way to go.  Torch me and toss me, I say.

Yes, hold them up, Morticia.

Fransoly continues to be a bitch to her daughter and tells her it’s mute time.  That special mother-daughter bond can only happen with the quality time you spend together, with your daughter wishing she could talk to someone else.

Do you need a booster seat before we get started?

Talent competition!  Lola refuses to perform for her mother onstage so Lola leaves saying, “MaLee, she wants you.”  MaLee gets onstage and directs every move.  Perhaps it’s time to go offstage and direct her from there like the other faux mothers.

Could you please get off the stage and send over the lady who

put a modicum of effort into how she looks today?

Hailey’s up next in her midriff-baring shirt.  She dances around but with no smile and her hair is straight.  I bet they take points off for her using her real hair.  The family tells her she did well.

No curls, no smile and a sexy out.  Thanks, Pretty Baby.

Dianely is up next, but new emcee doesn’t know how to pronounce her name.  Where in the name of Lisa Fulgham is Annette?  At the bar?  I’ll be right there!

Dianely gets onstage and starts off strongly, until mom makes an ugly face and some hand movements then Dianely freezes, looks panicked, does the last part of her routine and walks offstage.

The precise moment the stroke happens.

Fransoly doesn’t say a word to her until they are in the hallway where she says despite doing well in practice she screwed it up.  “We’ve been practicing how long?  HOW LONG?” she asks her.  Dianely just shrugs and Fransoly thinks the judges didn’t notice.  Trust me, they did.  And hopefully so will child services.

I can beat you when we get home or shame you on national TV now.  Let’s just do both!

Swimwear is up next.  Man, they are moving this along, nice job Annette.  Dianely gets yelled at again and Fransoly is not being too nice in doing her hair.  I think she’s doing it on purpose.  She also says the older girls should be good because “they are old.”  Good logic.

What are you, anyway, a KID?

Crisis in Haileyland…she got tanning color on her swimsuit, like anyone would really know.  Luckily, soap and water solves the drama and Joey says she wants to faint and throw up.  So do I when I think of what you are doing with your kid.  She complains that the women who are in the pageant against the younger girls should make them embarrassed.  Samantha says the same thing, that they should compete with their own age.  Or they should get f#cking jobs and get on with life.

However, Morticia has klass.

Lola goes up first and she shakes it like she means it.  Throw that horse a sugar cube!  Mom looks like manure and is convinced they are taking the ten thousand dollars home.

And Morticia did my makeup so now I look less dead.

Hailey is up next and she’s cut but the swimsuit is a one piece that covers her up completely so I’m sure she’s out.  Joey says the comment of losers, saying she doesn’t care about winning just that Hailey has fun.  Also, there’s some sort of stupid thing that happens when she steps offstage too early.

The fatal error.

What the hell is that about?  Everyone chill the f#ck out.

Because look what’s coming.  Again with the boobs!

That poor baby thinks it’s lunchtime at Old Country Buffet!

Dianely gets onstage and does fine. Fransoly?  Anything?  “She did just right,” Fransoly says.  She says she’s not sure if they are going to win because of the way she botched talent.  “Okay is not enough,” she says.  Then what do you call your look?

Creepy office guy says that the 6-7 group was hard but the 18+ group had beautiful women in it and clearly he’s hiding the four-hour erection.  As someone commented, it was less creepy than his liking little kids, so let’s go with that.

Then the pageant takes a turn for the worse!

Annette…CALM DOWN!  CALM DOWN!  She reminds us that the very last person crowned is the best ever in the history of the world.  CALM DOWN!

Dianely says she wants to win and Fransoly snots, “So does everyone else baby.”  She’s a terrible mother, just flat-out mean and awful.  Did I mention she’s a hot mess of Jabba?  She is and I will point that out every day until she takes parenting classes and says something nice to her daughter.

Stupid bitch.  You wish you looked this good or were this nice.

Three year old crowning first…they skip over the overall categories…first runner up for princess…not Lola!  Universal Royalty National Queen…Lola!  Oh whatever.  MaLee is excited.  Now get the hell off the stage.  Lynn interviews with Lola on her lap as Lola screams, “I WANT MALEE!”

Even I’m tired of humiliating her with more captions.

Lynn puts her on the ground and Lola runs away.  Lynn, do one of two things.  Give Lola back to her rightful mother MaLee and don’t look back, or tell MaLee to f#ck off and find something else to do with her time.  Tell Lola Malee is dead.  Done and done!

Save the fisting for the after-party!

Six to seven year olds…Third runner up…not our girls.  Second runner up…Hailey!  Aww…poor kid!  Her sisters are stunned and semi-pissed.  Hailey is sad she didn’t win but tells us she tried her best.  Joey says the pageant is fixed because the judges are always the same and pick the same girls.  Maybe.  Or maybe your kid just didn’t shine because truthfully her heart is not in it.

Oh, honey, we still love you and you have good manners which will

do you much more good in the real world than crowns.

First runner up princess is Dianely and Fransoly is pissed.  “She went home without a crown,” she snots.  Dianely was really happy.  Poor kid, she has no idea how badly her soul is going to be ground out of her over the next few years.

Also, way to upstage her, every other girl in the pageant.  MOVE!

The $10,000 cash winner…who will it be?  Mortician Barbie with the big boobs!  Go figure!  She pulls her dress up over her large boooooooobs and gets onstage to take money from babies.

Meee-ow!  Catfight, if looks could fight.

Dianely interviews that Mortician Barbie was good, then she channels her mother in questioning why a 20 year old was beating a 7 year old.  I’d be more worried about Jabba beating you when you got home.

I see you don’t f#ck up THIS talent.

And I guess it was Hailey’s sister/family but I’m not sure, but the fat one sucking on the lollipop says Mortician Barbie should use the $10,000 for liposuction.  Really, fatass lollipop sucker?  Really?  I mean, I probably would have said the same thing, but I didn’t see your sorry ass up there and also, I would have remembered I was miked and on camera.  You just look like a jealous fatass bitch who knows how to phellate candy on a stick.  Fat.  Ass.

And despite your enthusiasm with the lollipop,

no man will ever pay you even $10 to blow him.

Hailey says it “Wasn’t fwair to the owthers because she was so bwig.”  Annette hugs the winner interviewing that the winner had “the total package and what the judges were looking for.”  Boobs and boobs and more good boobs.  Come on, how really fair is that?  Annette will not apologize.

I’m totally getting high on formaldehyde tonight!

“Of course an 18 year old is going to beat a little one,” Joey bitches.  “They aren’t worried about being embarrassed,” she says.  Thanks, passive-aggressive, for your helpful comments.  Just collect your things and leave late.  Annette’s already at the bar.

Fransoly says this loss won’t stop them, they will practice and come back next year.  Bring boobs, because otherwise it will be a waste of money.  Joey says it’s Hailey’s wast pageant. Qwitters!  Lola will continue with her dad and two mommies. Lucky us.

Who cheats on J-Lo?  A vampire, that’s who.

Next week?  Kids are crazy.  Yay.