Ah, Gasmii, watching this season’s premier of Toddlers & Tiaras is like putting on that comfy pair of jeans that fits just right. Then it’s like those jeans start shrieking and crying and you want to rip them off and throw them out the window! And a special shout-out to the folks at Authentic Entertainment for being the awesome production team to put this train wreck together (the train wreck being the people, the geniuses being you guys). You must be saints to spend so much time with these hellions.
You got MaKenzie in my Eden! You got Eden in my MaKenzie!
We begin with Pageant “Die-rector” Annette Hill telling us that the front runners are MaKenzie and Eden, and I’m sort of disappointed that we are tracking girls we’ve tracked before I wanted new crazy, but this actually turns out pretty interesting by the end of the show. This Universal Royalty Pageant has an eighties theme, something that is lost on these kids which is tragic because the 80s ROCKED.
80s in da house!
Annette says she wants to see her “favorite dance – the robot,” and then she mimics the robot. Oh, Annette, you crack me up. Then she mentions the “gorgeous glitz canopy bed for the Ultimate Grand Supreme winner,” that seriously, looks like painted MDF and tulle tossed on it. It needs more rhinestones…look, I’ll send you a picture of my princess bed if I can get the whole bunk bed in the picture. Also, like Hotsyhotcakes commented in the comments from the mini-cap, Eden is now representing the bed…gotta hand it to her mother, she totally has a plan and does what she can to make sure her daughter gets a piece of every pie. “And then, they get $1000 in cash!” Like that is supposed to be big. That won’t even buy a ½ glitz dress!
The big competitors for the pageant are Eden and MaKenzie. We see footage of cameras following Mickie and Eden and Mickie pulls that, “We’ve just been very lucky, very fortunate and very blessed.” I always get irritated when people bring blessings into things – they are where they are because Eden works hard and Mickie is pretty smart about branding her kid. Don’t compare being blessed with reaping rewards from working hard.
Over in Montgomery, Louisiana, we hear kind of spooky music and see a little girl stomping her feet…then mom Juana says, “She’s baaaaaack.” Yeah, that’s what they say about poltergeists, nice move Juana. MaKenzie’s room looks like someone hosed it with Pepto Bismol or the Victoria’s Secret on Michigan Avenue in Chicago looked the last time I was there. Just. A lot. Of Pink.
Per usual, MaKenzie is screaming about something. She can’t get a dress down from the rod it’s hanging on and she screams, “Prick off!” Wow. That’s quite a combination of swear words and phrases that really no five year old should know. On the other hand, I learned a new phrase I can’t wait to use at work!
Juana tells us that MaKenzie isn’t the usual pageant girl and since the last time they were on the show, she’s been getting a lot of press. Probably in Child Welfare Monthly under the “Child-Rearing Don’ts” section. “A lot of people love her but some people think she’s bratty and spoiled,” Juana says, clearly talking about me.
And…she’s clearly still on the meth.
Then, per our usual agreement with pageant mothers, Juana butchers the English language and proves why most of the world hates Americans and will probably put us into slave labor in less than one generation. “MaKenzie just has that little diva attitude…it’s like, if she wants to do it, she’s gonna do it, and if she don’t, she ain’t gonna do it.” Excellent. “I really never know what to expect from her.” Really? Because everyone watching does!
Over in Taylor, Arkansas, Eden says she’s the “biggest name in all pageants.” Well, as long as you’re humble about it. We see footage of Eden and her mother at a book signing and a bunch of kids who were probably paid to be there. Especially the boys because really? They are that interested in pageants?
Oh. This is at the local salon, not Borders. Got it.
“I’m Mickie and my daughter Eden is waaaay more than a pageant star,” she says. Reel. It. In. Turns out Eden has her own book, From Cradle to Crown, she has an “album” and a music video, and she’s going on tour to travel to different malls “like Tiffany.” Christ, you know I’ll have to be at our local mall for that one item I can’t get anywhere else, thinking I’ll just jump in and out quickly, and damn if she won’t be there with a bunch of screaming kids ruining things. Unless that one item I need is an Eden doll.
MaKenzie got an upper and lower flipper and the dentist who did them is there to make sure they fit and to apparently be the only male influence in her life. The dentist says that she has a pretty good size gap between her teeth and a lot of teeth out of place, so she wanted one. Yeah, I had big buck teeth with a huge gap and you know what I got? BRACES. And headgear. And a retainer. And lots of oral surgeries. Basically, I was living Marathon Man for about 6 years. Hott.
The dentist said he has been in the dental field for 32 years and MaKenzie’s bite is “difficult” and that she apparently “sucked her pacifier for too many years.” He kind of rolls his eyes while making an “oops” face then says, “Sorry.” Don’t be…Ni-Ni was a hard workin’ lady.
Usually for two hard workin’ ladies at once, you have to pay extra.
Juana interviews that yes, Ni-Ni has retired, because MaKenzie was getting embarrassed by it. Yeah, so was I and I don’t even know you people.
MaKenzie then throws a fit because her flippers are clearly made from the Kennedy mold and she looks like a horse. She cries she doesn’t want to wear them because they make her look like a bunny. No, I said HORSE. Then Juana flicks cereal that MaKenzie left in the flipper. Kids are so sticky sometimes.
Eden is at the spa to get a facial for her perfect peaches-and-cream complexion. Mickie interviews that MaKenzie really is the top contender with Eden and she does have some concern because the last time the girls faced off, MaKenzie was ultimate supreme to Eden’s ultimate grand supreme – we’re talking tenths of one hundredths of one thousandths of a point, I’m sure.
Eden says she’s six and MaKenzie is five, so, “I’m probably older.” Probably. Eden continues with her cucumber facial and gets a massage while the cucumbers pull the puffiness that doesn’t exist on her face out. Sure, you do that now, but you’ll still spend your 40s watching the Cindy Crawford skincare infomercial while eating bran cereal.
Back with MaKenzie, Juana tells us that MaKenzie has a manager now (which goes to show you how desperate some managers in LA must be!) and he wants them to come out to LA to meet with an acting coach. To see if she can act human?
Juana says she’s nervous about going to Hollywood and what that means, and that she never dreamed MaKenzie would be “discovered.” Yeah, she’s more a child who is “endured.” However, I appreciate the fact that she’s going at this with some skepticism. She’d be eaten alive out there.
Mickie tells us that before the pageant she and Eden along with Juana and her little Satan are going to LA to be on Entertainment Tonight. Billy Bush irritated Nancy O’Dell right off of Access Hollywood – what do you think the Eden/MaKenzie combo will do to her?!?!?!
Eden says she will probably be famous and do everything that superstars do. Like…not having any real talent, just a life that enough losers in America and US Weekly will follow to make it acceptable for you to cash in on hosting events in Vegas? Remember when famous people were that way because of actual talent? Think back far.
Mickie is thrilled about going to Hollywood because Eden is going to get to perform two songs, “One of which mom wrote, so I’m kinda psyched.” Ah, Mickie, here comes the living vicariously through your kids. She hugs the meal ticket who is parked in the front yard (seriously, spend some money on grass fertilizer) then she leaves. “Who knows, maybe the next trip out there will be to buy a house!” she says. Sad, but mostly because she’s probably right.
HOLLYWOOD! “Right now we’re at Hollywood and Highland in the heart of Hollywood, O-M-G, Eden’s in Hollywood!” Mickie yells. Eden sings her “Cutsie Roll” song and she’s awful, and I like how on the minicap Chicken Lips pointed out that this area is riddled with hookers and trannies, so it’s sort of apropos that a beauty pageant queen sets up her Mr. Microphone and goes to town.
Oh yeah, she’s made it now.
“She really is going to be somebody,” Mickie says. Uh, yeah, she will be somebody with or without fame and fortune. Just depends on how you raise her as to WHO that somebody is going to be. Eden does a total shit-can robot dance, I’m sure Annette Hill was so disappointed she went to bed without dessert.
In my country you’d be stoned, but good for you!
Mickie says she loves Hollywood and she could easily move out there (the move is easy, paying to live out there is the hard part). She says she and Eden could bump Charlie Sheen off the airwaves and take over. Oh my God, when was this filmed? Was she the catalyst behind Charlie Sheen leaving his show and going bat-shit crazy? Someone should see if Mickie bought any hallucinogens lately and if they ended up in one of Sheen’s many, many, many beverages.
In Studio City, California, MaKenzie and Juana are meeting with an acting coach their manager recommended. Yeah, that doesn’t sound fishy. Acting Coach Marnie tells MaKenzie to “get emotional.” Yeah, have you seen her previous work? Done and done. But does she understand the word “emotional”?
Marnie says her job is to assess whether or not MaKenzie could act professionally. So she gets her to be sad by telling her to pretend her mother died. This acting coach is kind of scary and she might want to consider sunscreen going forward unless she wants to end up looking like a saddle in a John Wayne movie. Or more like one. Also, that’s kind of creepy to tell a five year old to pretend her mother died. Wouldn’t that be kind of scary for a kid? But it’s MaKenzie, so I’m sure the thought has crossed her mind more than once. Join the mother-daughter relationship merry-go-round, MaKenzie!
Wait, Mommy’s dead? I’m conflicted.
Coach Marnie is clearly inebriated when she says that MaKenzie is “incredible.” “She has a depth and emotional life that is phenomenal.” Have you considered acting, Marnie? She tells Juana she’d love to work with MaKenzie. “She’s a doll,” she says. Clearly she’s never seen this show.
She’s a phenom, no really…and I could really use the money.
Juana says this wasn’t something she pushed for or ever wanted, and she needs to do what’s right for MaKenzie. If that is true, then start disciplining her, because that’s what’s right. Also, somewhere in Hollywood Mickie just twitched uncontrollably because she’d die to hear the same thing about Eden and the nervousness Juana feels is something Mickie has no concept of. In fact, if Coach Marnie had said the same thing about Eden, Mickie would have been on the phone to a real estate agent in a flash.
We see Juana and Mickie being interviewed by – is that Mark Steines? Wow, really looks like that BS from University of Northern Iowa paid off, dude. Ironically, he was the last journalist to interview Anna Nicole Smith before she died…I wonder if he’ll be the last one to interview Eden, the mini Anna Nicole? Am I the only one seeing that coming?
No, I’m sorry…I’m not Matt Lauer.
Mickie interviews that Eden’s career is “already going.” She continues, “It’s whatever Eden wants to do and mama’s going to be right here pushing her.” Uh, what? You want to rephrase that, stage mom?
Pageant day in Plano, Texas! Oh yeah, there’s a pageant! There are 100 contestants and only 14 titles, and Annette tells us, “Not everyone is going to win.” That’s a change of pace from the “participation crowns” they always offer.
Prepping for the long day with Pixie Stix mouth.
MaKenzie is getting ready and Juana tells us they haven’t had any issues with her yet. That is because it’s like 6am and the day is young. Also, you just jinxed yourself but good.
And we immediately cut to MaKenzie freaking out about what…all the color choices of her makeup kit? Nope, turns out she wants someone to hold the mirror right up to her so she can see what is going on. She asks if her lip is busted – yeah, that’s called lipstick, are you new? Then MaKenzie complains she doesn’t want to go to the big mirror and the three adults in the room (Juana, her sister or sis-in-law Megan, and the hairdress/makeup artist) all try to comfort her.
TOO MANY CHOICES!
You know, I’m a single career woman without kids (by choice). I spend my weekends shopping, gardening, napping, grocery shopping, watching HGTV, The Food Network, other Crappy TV, napping, taking the dogs for a walk, exercising, napping, recapping, napping, hanging out with friends, thinking about cleaning and napping. At no time do I ever wish I could spend 24/7 of both weekend days with a whining, crying, bratty kid. I cannot imagine how people find this fun in any way, shape or form. It must be exhausting!
Over with Eden, Mickie tells the make artist that she wants Eden to look like “a piece of cotton candy, that they can take a bite out of her.” And realize she’s just sugar spun with air that makes their teeth hurt.
Also, you know the cameras are rolling, right?
Eden whines and Mickie says she’s tired and fussy and she needs to be on her game. So they ply her with an energy drink they don’t mention but when they blur out the can, clearly it gives you wings. Why that anonymous energy drink doesn’t advertise during this show, I’ll never know. The worst part, Eden drinks and drinks and drinks some more. She’s going to need that flipper when her teeth rot out, just like with Mountain Dew Mouth.
“I had my special drink today,” Eden says, foreshadowing a Lindsay Lohan existence. “It’s that red stuff that tastes like Coke,” she says. Blood?
Juana says to make MaKenzie’s eyes look pretty and blue and MaKenzie doesn’t want her eyes to be pretty and blue. Blue is for boys! “Bah-oys, bah-lue.” Well, almost. Juana interviews that MaKenzie has mood changes and can go from being very sweet to diva in no time. I guess we’ll have to take her word on the “sweet” part.
When it really should be in her head.
MaKenzie is now whining about the earrings they are sticking in her ears and Juana calls her a brat. “It is stressful to be a pageant mom,” Juana says. Then MaKenzie whines she wants Juana to hold her hand. Make up your mind! You’re acting like a little kid!
Eden is whining uncontrollably too, which is unusual for her. Mickie says Eden doesn’t want to sit still for hair and makeup. Uh, duh, what does she think this is, a rugby match where she can show up unshowered and hung over? Mickie calls her a brat and Eden says she hates the smell and taste of hairspray. Then stop eating it. Also, she does not appear as cute as she used to be, now she just seems like a chubby kid who wants candy. Not pretty.
Really. NOT pretty.
“Do we need to have a come to Jesus meeting right now?” Mickie asks Eden. “I guess MaKenzie is going to take over the pageant world, Eden,” she taunts her daughter. Good one, Mickie! Eden whines. She interviews she has a “secret weapon” for MaKenzie and she puts these two huge front teeth in her mouth. Heh! Bunny teeth! How did she know?
MaKenzie looks at herself in the mirror and she seriously looks like she’s about to sing at the Copa. “I could wear this to church,” she says. Clearly they are not Baptists. Juana says MaKenzie’s “got this.” Hold that thought.
Mickie is freaking out because she had all of Eden’s new clothes shipped to the hotel and none of them were there the morning of the pageant. You know, shipping really isn’t that big of a mystery nowadays, assuming you used something with a tracking number. You’d be amazed at the info available online with those fancy numbers.
Pageant is starting! They introduce a bunch of kids…one called Heaven and one who likes tacos…yeah, we’ve seen this craziness before. One of the judges says she’s looking for that perfect hair, perfect tan and winning smile. Then don’t look in the mirror and stop talking with your nose up.
Smell the fart judging.
Both Juana and Mickie are walking their respective poodles to the event and both have Elnett hairspray in their hands. Damn! That’s expensive hairspray, like $14 a bottle. Why waste in on whiners?
First up is MaKenzie. And, uh…she doesn’t do well. Her walk is really stiff, she has a fake smile, blinks oddly and seems very stilted. She also keeps looking down. I was really surprised at this because she’s not new to the pageant world – she could do this in her sleep. But the truth is she did not look as pretty as she used to…don’t get me wrong, she’s still pretty (if you don’t think about her personality), but her mannerisms are so fake it really feels uncomfortable. Did anyone else notice that?
She looks sort of dead inside.
Eden is up next and Mickie is totally proud. Wait…what the hell is happening here? Eden looks and acts kind of stiff too? She’s doing this thing where she sways back and forth and it looks like something amateurs often do. Then we see her open her eyes real wide as if someone told her to do so and she blinks. She goes to blow a kiss to the judges and almost misses her mouth with her hand. Is she drunk? What did Mickie mix with that Red Bull? She’s not as cute as she was as a three-year old and she didn’t seem as polished as we’ve seen before. Interesting.
I know that mouth is around here somewhere.
Crisis averted! Eden’s 80s outfit has arrived. “Thank you Jesus,” Mickie says, looking to the heavens. Yes, I had heard that Christ took over the US postal service. That’s probably why lines are so long around his birthday.
What are you hiding under that cap, a crown?
MaKenzie is in a pink taffeta skirt and a black pleather jacket and she starts to whine because the jacket is too tight. She’s screaming that it’s hurting her and basically it’s hours of “Owwwww, owwww, it’s hurting me.” Or it’s a few minutes that feels like hours. They take her into the bathroom to calm her down but forget they are miked. “Can I ever just be by myself?” she asks. Yes, that’s what your adult years are going to look like if you keep acting like this.
Toddlers & Intervention – combining my two favorite shows about train wrecks!
Annette announces 80s-wear competition and she is ALL about this category. She is adorable! She calls MaKenzie and all you hear is crickets until we shift back to her hotel room and they are still in the bathroom and she’s still screaming. Juana asks her if she wants to go back home. Does my opinion matter? Annette continues to call MaKenzie and finally they have to move on. You know what that means…points off!
Juana asks her one more time if she wants to do it or go home and MaKenzie whines and cries she wants to do it. Juana tells her to calm down and be herself. I think that’s the problem, Juana, she is being herself. Once again MaKenzie is screaming that she’s being pinched to death with an earring. Juana says she spent a lot of money on the pageant, they’ve come a long way and she just wants MaKenzie to do well. Good luck with that!
Annette announces they are going back to MaKenzie and she gets onstage and dances around to a song I thought was called “Love Christ” but I think it’s “Love Cries.” I guess either works. She looks like a cheap dancer at a 3rd-rate strip club. Her face is not attractive and oh my God did she just bite the back of her hand? Yeesh.
She just looks like she could reek of STDs.
Eden gets onstage and dances to a song very much like “Beat It!” and she’s better than in her modeling, but she’s not as spot-on with her dancing as we’ve seen. In fact, she looks like an amateur flopping all over the stage. Does she not have a coach? I thought she did. Annette says, “You made my back hurt!” And she made my eyes hurt.
Judgment Day! Crowning begins with queens in each age group, then supreme titles then ultimate grand supreme. Eden whines she wants to win the bed and she gets her picture taken in it…ironically, that picture ends up on the bed’s website since she’s become the spokesperson.
Then get some paint and tulle and you’ve got one!
MaKenzie’s group is up next…Most Beautiful…not MaKenzie! Best Dressed…not MaKenzie! 80s Wear – not MaKenzie! Then Annette calls the “future winners” and include MaKenzie in that group. So that means they move to the next round, right? Juana is confused and so is the woman next to her. Doesn’t that mean she could be a future queen at this event? Now I’m confused, but that’s a pretty short trip when I watch these shows.
Eden’s group is up…Most Beautiful…Eden! Best Dressed…Eden! 80s Wear…Eden! Thank you Jesus for making the outfit show up in time! The Universal Royalty Queen…NOT Eden, which means she pulls out for a higher title. Eden says she’s taking home the Ultimate Grand Supreme and the bed.
Join the club.
Juana says she’s surprised MaKenzie didn’t get anything, but at this point I was sure there was just confusion and that the “future queens” were the ones who pulled out for the grand supreme titles. Right? RIGHT? “I can’t believe it,” Juana says. “I’m ready to go. I’m pissed.” She gets up and leaves to cry and now I’m sure the editors are just screwing with us.
Eden starts whining and making a really ugly face saying, “Please God! Please God! Please God!” in the hopes that she’ll win the bed. So Jesus is working at the post office and God is now at Beds-R-Us Emporium? Guess the recession has hit us all.
Please God CHILL.
Universal Royalty Grand Supreme is…Annette is really dragging this out… “Miss…..EDEN!” Eden is excited but doesn’t realize she doesn’t get the bed. The woman sitting next to Mickie says, “When do you think she’ll realize she didn’t win the bed,” and Mickie, smiling, answers through semi-gritted teeth, “About the time she gets back here and sits down.”
MaKenzie says there is only one teddy bear left. Annette announces the money and the princess bed…goes to…“Miss ALEX!” MaKenzie is stunned. Eden immediately bursts into tears and Mickie reminds her she’s on camera. Someone should remind Mickie she’s on AUDIO. MaKenzie’s aunt calls her over to leave and Juana interviews as everyone was leaving and MaKenzie left empty-handed, it hit her that she had won nothing. She starts to cry.
Wait. WTF just happened?
MaKenzie cries that she wanted a crown and now she wants to go home. Juana says she’s never had to see her cry like that, but MaKenzie cries all the time so what gives? Then Juana says it was a tough day and she starts to cry, then apologizes that she can’t talk. Poor thing. That eyeliner is going to run all over the place and drown someone.
And I cannot believe I actually spawned that beast-child.
Eden is screaming and crying and Mickie says you just didn’t win a bed, some girls went home with nothing, then she says, “Fine, make a spectacle of yourself.” Where’s the Acting Coach Marnie, this kid has tragedy down pat! “Pull yourself together,” Mickie tells her. Ha!
Now I have to sleep on the floor!
Juana says she’s not sure if they need to take another break from pageanting. She says MaKenzie still wants to do it but it’s hard to make that decision in the moment…they’ll be fine tomorrow. MaKenzie cries and cries and cries. “She is who she is,” Juana says of MaKenzie. “People like her for who she is.” Which explains her stellar win today.
For the 100th time TODAY.
Eden is still crying and she interviews she didn’t win the ultimate grand supreme… “This was an eye-opener,” Mickie says (apparently it was!). “Eden’s celebrity status…she’s bigger than this. She’s Eden Wood. The singer, the entertainer…not just Eden Wood the pageant girl.” Finally Mickie looks at Eden and says, “Honey, I can’t take it.” Ha!
Don’t you know that there are kids in China studying right now?
The best part? Mickie shows her true colors. “In a perfect world, tomorrow I get the old ringy-ding,” and she makes a phone with her hand, “‘Miss Wood, we’d like to sign Eden for a $2 million deal.’ Bye-bye teacher’s job. Hello Hollywood.” Holy shit. “I’ll be waiting,” she tells the camera, “give me a call!” Uh, yeah, a $2 million dollar deal doing what, exactly?
Mickie, are you sure it isn’t reality calling? Seems more likely.
Exactly. This fascination with being a celebrity just for celebrity’s sake has got to stop. The bar is being set so low for kids nowadays and the worrisome part is that most of it is coming from the parents. Crap. Suddenly I feel like the teacher on Breakfast Club who tells the kids not to mess with the bull or they’ll get the horns. Now excuse me while I run outside and scream at some kids to get off my lawn.
Next week…a conservative Christian mom prays about everything her daughter puts on. And the emcee is wearing a mask. Who can blame him?