Toddlers & Tiaras: Older They Get, Cuter They Ain’t

Toddlers and Tiaras

By DearCrabby | Monday, June 20, 2011 | 6:23 pm | 50 Comments
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Posted in: Featured, Recaps, Toddlers and Tiaras

Ah, Gasmii, watching this season’s premier of Toddlers & Tiaras is like putting on that comfy pair of jeans that fits just right.  Then it’s like those jeans start shrieking and crying and you want to rip them off and throw them out the window!  And a special shout-out to the folks at Authentic Entertainment for being the awesome production team to put this train wreck together (the train wreck being the people, the geniuses being you guys).  You must be saints to spend so much time with these hellions.

1-MaKenzie in my EdenYou got MaKenzie in my Eden! You got Eden in my MaKenzie!

We begin with Pageant “Die-rector” Annette Hill telling us that the front runners are MaKenzie and Eden, and I’m sort of disappointed that we are tracking girls we’ve tracked before I wanted new crazy, but this actually turns out pretty interesting by the end of the show.  This Universal Royalty Pageant has an eighties theme, something that is lost on these kids which is tragic because the 80s ROCKED.

2-80s in da house80s in da house!

Annette says she wants to see her “favorite dance – the robot,” and then she mimics the robot.  Oh, Annette, you crack me up.  Then she mentions the “gorgeous glitz canopy bed for the Ultimate Grand Supreme winner,” that seriously, looks like painted MDF and tulle tossed on it.  It needs more rhinestones…look, I’ll send you a picture of my princess bed if I can get the whole bunk bed in the picture. Also, like Hotsyhotcakes commented in the comments from the mini-cap, Eden is now representing the bed…gotta hand it to her mother, she totally has a plan and does what she can to make sure her daughter gets a piece of every pie.  “And then, they get $1000 in cash!” Like that is supposed to be big.  That won’t even buy a ½ glitz dress!

3-I, RobotI, Robot!

The big competitors for the pageant are Eden and MaKenzie.  We see footage of cameras following Mickie and Eden and Mickie pulls that, “We’ve just been very lucky, very fortunate and very blessed.”  I always get irritated when people bring blessings into things – they are where they are because Eden works hard and Mickie is pretty smart about branding her kid.  Don’t compare being blessed with reaping rewards from working hard.

Over in Montgomery, Louisiana, we hear kind of spooky music and see a little girl stomping her feet…then mom Juana says, “She’s baaaaaack.”  Yeah, that’s what they say about poltergeists, nice move Juana.  MaKenzie’s room looks like someone hosed it with Pepto Bismol or the Victoria’s Secret on Michigan Avenue in Chicago looked the last time I was there.  Just.  A lot.  Of Pink.

4-Dramamine anyoneDramamine?  Anyone?

Per usual, MaKenzie is screaming about something.  She can’t get a dress down from the rod it’s hanging on and she screams, “Prick off!”  Wow.  That’s quite a combination of swear words and phrases that really no five year old should know.  On the other hand, I learned a new phrase I can’t wait to use at work!

Juana tells us that MaKenzie isn’t the usual pageant girl and since the last time they were on the show, she’s been getting a lot of press.  Probably in Child Welfare Monthly under the “Child-Rearing Don’ts” section.  “A lot of people love her but some people think she’s bratty and spoiled,” Juana says, clearly talking about me.

5-Still on the meth huhAnd…she’s clearly still on the meth.

Then, per our usual agreement with pageant mothers, Juana butchers the English language and proves why most of the world hates Americans and will probably put us into slave labor in less than one generation.  “MaKenzie just has that little diva attitude…it’s like, if she wants to do it, she’s gonna do it, and if she don’t, she ain’t gonna do it.”  Excellent.  “I really never know what to expect from her.”   Really?  Because everyone watching does!

Over in Taylor, Arkansas, Eden says she’s the “biggest name in all pageants.”  Well, as long as you’re humble about it.  We see footage of Eden and her mother at a book signing and a bunch of kids who were probably paid to be there.  Especially the boys because really?  They are that interested in pageants?

6-Oh, it's at the local salon not BordersOh.  This is at the local salon, not Borders.  Got it.

“I’m Mickie and my daughter Eden is waaaay more than a pageant star,” she says.  Reel. It. In. Turns out Eden has her own book, From Cradle to Crown, she has an “album” and a music video, and she’s going on tour to travel to different malls “like Tiffany.”  Christ, you know I’ll have to be at our local mall for that one item I can’t get anywhere else, thinking I’ll just jump in and out quickly, and damn if she won’t be there with a bunch of screaming kids ruining things.  Unless that one item I need is an Eden doll.

MaKenzie got an upper and lower flipper and the dentist who did them is there to make sure they fit and to apparently be the only male influence in her life.  The dentist says that she has a pretty good size gap between her teeth and a lot of teeth out of place, so she wanted one.  Yeah, I had big buck teeth with a huge gap and you know what I got?  BRACES.  And headgear.  And a retainer.  And lots of oral surgeries.  Basically, I was living Marathon Man for about 6 years.  Hott.

The dentist said he has been in the dental field for 32 years and MaKenzie’s bite is “difficult” and that she apparently “sucked her pacifier for too many years.”  He kind of rolls his eyes while making an “oops” face then says, “Sorry.”  Don’t be…Ni-Ni was a hard workin’ lady.

7-Two at once niceUsually for two hard workin’ ladies at once, you have to pay extra.

Juana interviews that yes, Ni-Ni has retired, because MaKenzie was getting embarrassed by it.  Yeah, so was I and I don’t even know you people.

MaKenzie then throws a fit because her flippers are clearly made from the Kennedy mold and she looks like a horse.  She cries she doesn’t want to wear them because they make her look like a bunny.  No, I said HORSE.  Then Juana flicks cereal that MaKenzie left in the flipper.  Kids are so sticky sometimes.

Eden is at the spa to get a facial for her perfect peaches-and-cream complexion.  Mickie interviews that MaKenzie really is the top contender with Eden and she does have some concern because the last time the girls faced off, MaKenzie was ultimate supreme to Eden’s ultimate grand supreme – we’re talking tenths of one hundredths of one thousandths of a point, I’m sure.

8-Detox CityDetox City!

Eden says she’s six and MaKenzie is five, so, “I’m probably older.”  Probably.  Eden continues with her cucumber facial and gets a massage while the cucumbers pull the puffiness that doesn’t exist on her face out.  Sure, you do that now, but you’ll still spend your 40s watching the Cindy Crawford skincare infomercial while eating bran cereal.

Back with MaKenzie, Juana tells us that MaKenzie has a manager now (which goes to show you how desperate some managers in LA must be!) and he wants them to come out to LA to meet with an acting coach.  To see if she can act human?

Juana says she’s nervous about going to Hollywood and what that means, and that she never dreamed MaKenzie would be “discovered.”  Yeah, she’s more a child who is “endured.”  However, I appreciate the fact that she’s going at this with some skepticism.  She’d be eaten alive out there.

Mickie tells us that before the pageant she and Eden along with Juana and her little Satan are going to LA to be on Entertainment Tonight.  Billy Bush irritated Nancy O’Dell right off of Access Hollywood – what do you think the Eden/MaKenzie combo will do to her?!?!?!

Eden says she will probably be famous and do everything that superstars do.  Like…not having any real talent, just a life that enough losers in America and US Weekly will follow to make it acceptable for you to cash in on hosting events in Vegas?  Remember when famous people were that way because of actual talent?  Think back far.

Mickie is thrilled about going to Hollywood because Eden is going to get to perform two songs, “One of which mom wrote, so I’m kinda psyched.”  Ah, Mickie, here comes the living vicariously through your kids.  She hugs the meal ticket who is parked in the front yard (seriously, spend some money on grass fertilizer) then she leaves.  “Who knows, maybe the next trip out there will be to buy a house!” she says.  Sad, but mostly because she’s probably right.

HOLLYWOOD!  “Right now we’re at Hollywood and Highland in the heart of Hollywood, O-M-G, Eden’s in Hollywood!” Mickie yells.  Eden sings her “Cutsie Roll” song and she’s awful, and I like how on the minicap Chicken Lips pointed out that this area is riddled with hookers and trannies, so it’s sort of apropos that a beauty pageant queen sets up her Mr. Microphone and goes to town.

9-Oh yeah, she's made it nowOh yeah, she’s made it now.

“She really is going to be somebody,” Mickie says.  Uh, yeah, she will be somebody with or without fame and fortune.  Just depends on how you raise her as to WHO that somebody is going to be.  Eden does a total shit-can robot dance, I’m sure Annette Hill was so disappointed she went to bed without dessert.

13-In my country you'd be stoned but good for youIn my country you’d be stoned, but good for you!

Mickie says she loves Hollywood and she could easily move out there (the move is easy, paying to live out there is the hard part).  She says she and Eden could bump Charlie Sheen off the airwaves and take over.  Oh my God, when was this filmed?  Was she the catalyst behind Charlie Sheen leaving his show and going bat-shit crazy?  Someone should see if Mickie bought any hallucinogens lately and if they ended up in one of Sheen’s many, many, many beverages.

In Studio City, California, MaKenzie and Juana are meeting with an acting coach their manager recommended.  Yeah, that doesn’t sound fishy.  Acting Coach Marnie tells MaKenzie to “get emotional.”  Yeah, have you seen her previous work?  Done and done.  But does she understand the word “emotional”?

Marnie says her job is to assess whether or not MaKenzie could act professionally.  So she gets her to be sad by telling her to pretend her mother died.  This acting coach is kind of scary and she might want to consider sunscreen going forward unless she wants to end up looking like a saddle in a John Wayne movie.  Or more like one.  Also, that’s kind of creepy to tell a five year old to pretend her mother died.  Wouldn’t that be kind of scary for a kid?  But it’s MaKenzie, so I’m sure the thought has crossed her mind more than once.  Join the mother-daughter relationship merry-go-round, MaKenzie!

10-Wait, mommy's deadWait, Mommy’s dead?  I’m conflicted.

Coach Marnie is clearly inebriated when she says that MaKenzie is “incredible.”  “She has a depth and emotional life that is phenomenal.”  Have you considered acting, Marnie?  She tells Juana she’d love to work with MaKenzie.  “She’s a doll,” she says.  Clearly she’s never seen this show.

11-No, really, she's a phenom and I could really use the moneyShe’s a phenom, no really…and I could really use the money.

Juana says this wasn’t something she pushed for or ever wanted, and she needs to do what’s right for MaKenzie.  If that is true, then start disciplining her, because that’s what’s right.  Also, somewhere in Hollywood Mickie just twitched uncontrollably because she’d die to hear the same thing about Eden and the nervousness Juana feels is something Mickie has no concept of.  In fact, if Coach Marnie had said the same thing about Eden, Mickie would have been on the phone to a real estate agent in a flash.

We see Juana and Mickie being interviewed by – is that Mark Steines?  Wow, really looks like that BS from University of Northern Iowa paid off, dude.  Ironically, he was the last journalist to interview Anna Nicole Smith before she died…I wonder if he’ll be the last one to interview Eden, the mini Anna Nicole?  Am I the only one seeing that coming?

12-No, I'm not Matt LauerNo, I’m sorry…I’m not Matt Lauer.

Mickie interviews that Eden’s career is “already going.”  She continues, “It’s whatever Eden wants to do and mama’s going to be right here pushing her.”  Uh, what?  You want to rephrase that, stage mom?

Pageant day in Plano, Texas!  Oh yeah, there’s a pageant!  There are 100 contestants and only 14 titles, and Annette tells us, “Not everyone is going to win.”  That’s a change of pace from the “participation crowns” they always offer.

14-Pixie stick mouthPrepping for the long day with Pixie Stix mouth.

MaKenzie is getting ready and Juana tells us they haven’t had any issues with her yet.  That is because it’s like 6am and the day is young.  Also, you just jinxed yourself but good.

And we immediately cut to MaKenzie freaking out about what…all the color choices of her makeup kit?  Nope, turns out she wants someone to hold the mirror right up to her so she can see what is going on.  She asks if her lip is busted – yeah, that’s called lipstick, are you new?  Then MaKenzie complains she doesn’t want to go to the big mirror and the three adults in the room (Juana, her sister or sis-in-law Megan, and the hairdress/makeup artist) all try to comfort her.

15-Too many decisionsTOO MANY CHOICES!

You know, I’m a single career woman without kids (by choice).  I spend my weekends shopping, gardening, napping, grocery shopping, watching HGTV, The Food Network, other Crappy TV, napping, taking the dogs for a walk, exercising, napping, recapping, napping, hanging out with friends, thinking about cleaning and napping.  At no time do I ever wish I could spend 24/7 of both weekend days with a whining, crying, bratty kid.  I cannot imagine how people find this fun in any way, shape or form.  It must be exhausting!

Over with Eden, Mickie tells the make artist that she wants Eden to look like “a piece of cotton candy, that they can take a bite out of her.”  And realize she’s just sugar spun with air that makes their teeth hurt.

16-You know the cameras are rolling rightAlso, you know the cameras are rolling, right?

Eden whines and Mickie says she’s tired and fussy and she needs to be on her game.  So they ply her with an energy drink they don’t mention but when they blur out the can, clearly it gives you wings.  Why that anonymous energy drink doesn’t advertise during this show, I’ll never know.  The worst part, Eden drinks and drinks and drinks some more.  She’s going to need that flipper when her teeth rot out, just like with Mountain Dew Mouth.

“I had my special drink today,” Eden says, foreshadowing a Lindsay Lohan existence.  “It’s that red stuff that tastes like Coke,” she says.  Blood?

Juana says to make MaKenzie’s eyes look pretty and blue and MaKenzie doesn’t want her eyes to be pretty and blue.  Blue is for boys!  “Bah-oys, bah-lue.”  Well, almost.  Juana interviews that MaKenzie has mood changes and can go from being very sweet to diva in no time.  I guess we’ll have to take her word on the “sweet” part.

17-When it really should be in her headWhen it really should be in her head.

MaKenzie is now whining about the earrings they are sticking in her ears and Juana calls her a brat.  “It is stressful to be a pageant mom,” Juana says.  Then MaKenzie whines she wants Juana to hold her hand. Make up your mind!  You’re acting like a little kid!

Eden is whining uncontrollably too, which is unusual for her.  Mickie says Eden doesn’t want to sit still for hair and makeup.  Uh, duh, what does she think this is, a rugby match where she can show up unshowered and hung over?   Mickie calls her a brat and Eden says she hates the smell and taste of hairspray.  Then stop eating it. Also, she does not appear as cute as she used to be, now she just seems like a chubby kid who wants candy.  Not pretty.

18-PrettyReally.  NOT pretty.

“Do we need to have a come to Jesus meeting right now?” Mickie asks Eden.  “I guess MaKenzie is going to take over the pageant world, Eden,” she taunts her daughter.  Good one, Mickie!  Eden whines.  She interviews she has a “secret weapon” for MaKenzie and she puts these two huge front teeth in her mouth.  Heh!  Bunny teeth!  How did she know?

19-Poor MaKenziePoor MaKenzie…

MaKenzie looks at herself in the mirror and she seriously looks like she’s about to sing at the Copa.  “I could wear this to church,” she says.  Clearly they are not Baptists.  Juana says MaKenzie’s “got this.”  Hold that thought.

Mickie is freaking out because she had all of Eden’s new clothes shipped to the hotel and none of them were there the morning of the pageant.  You know, shipping really isn’t that big of a mystery nowadays, assuming you used something with a tracking number.  You’d be amazed at the info available online with those fancy numbers.

Pageant is starting!  They introduce a bunch of kids…one called Heaven and one who likes tacos…yeah, we’ve seen this craziness before.  One of the judges says she’s looking for that perfect hair, perfect tan and winning smile.  Then don’t look in the mirror and stop talking with your nose up.

20-Smell the fart judgingSmell the fart judging.

Both Juana and Mickie are walking their respective poodles to the event and both have Elnett hairspray in their hands.  Damn!  That’s expensive hairspray, like $14 a bottle.  Why waste in on whiners?

First up is MaKenzie.  And, uh…she doesn’t do well.  Her walk is really stiff, she has a fake smile, blinks oddly and seems very stilted.  She also keeps looking down.  I was really surprised at this because she’s not new to the pageant world – she could do this in her sleep.  But the truth is she did not look as pretty as she used to…don’t get me wrong, she’s still pretty (if you don’t think about her personality), but her mannerisms are so fake it really feels uncomfortable.  Did anyone else notice that?

21-She looks sort of dead insideShe looks sort of dead inside.

Eden is up next and Mickie is totally proud.  Wait…what the hell is happening here?  Eden looks and acts kind of stiff too?  She’s doing this thing where she sways back and forth and it looks like something amateurs often do.  Then we see her open her eyes real wide as if someone told her to do so and she blinks.  She goes to blow a kiss to the judges and almost misses her mouth with her hand.  Is she drunk?  What did Mickie mix with that Red Bull?  She’s not as cute as she was as a three-year old and she didn’t seem as polished as we’ve seen before.  Interesting.

22-That mouth is around here somewhereI know that mouth is around here somewhere.

Crisis averted!  Eden’s 80s outfit has arrived.  “Thank you Jesus,” Mickie says, looking to the heavens.  Yes, I had heard that Christ took over the US postal service.  That’s probably why lines are so long around his birthday.

23-What are you hiding under that cap, a crownWhat are you hiding under that cap, a crown?

MaKenzie is in a pink taffeta skirt and a black pleather jacket and she starts to whine because the jacket is too tight.  She’s screaming that it’s hurting her and basically it’s hours of “Owwwww, owwww, it’s hurting me.”  Or it’s a few minutes that feels like hours.  They take her into the bathroom to calm her down but forget they are miked.  “Can I ever just be by myself?” she asks.  Yes, that’s what your adult years are going to look like if you keep acting like this.

24-Toddlers & Intervention, my two favorite showsToddlers & Intervention – combining my two favorite shows about train wrecks!

Annette announces 80s-wear competition and she is ALL about this category.  She is adorable!  She calls MaKenzie and all you hear is crickets until we shift back to her hotel room and they are still in the bathroom and she’s still screaming.  Juana asks her if she wants to go back home.  Does my opinion matter?  Annette continues to call MaKenzie and finally they have to move on.  You know what that means…points off!

Juana asks her one more time if she wants to do it or go home and MaKenzie whines and cries she wants to do it.  Juana tells her to calm down and be herself.  I think that’s the problem, Juana, she is being herself.  Once again MaKenzie is screaming that she’s being pinched to death with an earring.  Juana says she spent a lot of money on the pageant, they’ve come a long way and she just wants MaKenzie to do well.  Good luck with that!

Annette announces they are going back to MaKenzie and she gets onstage and dances around to a song I thought was called “Love Christ” but I think it’s “Love Cries.”  I guess either works.  She looks like a cheap dancer at a 3rd-rate strip club.  Her face is not attractive and oh my God did she just bite the back of her hand?  Yeesh.

25-She looks like she could reek of STDsShe just looks like she could reek of STDs.

Eden gets onstage and dances to a song very much like “Beat It!” and she’s better than in her modeling, but she’s not as spot-on with her dancing as we’ve seen.  In fact, she looks like an amateur flopping all over the stage.  Does she not have a coach?  I thought she did.    Annette says, “You made my back hurt!”  And she made my eyes hurt.

26-MehMeh!

Judgment Day!  Crowning begins with queens in each age group, then supreme titles then ultimate grand supreme.  Eden whines she wants to win the bed and she gets her picture taken in it…ironically, that picture ends up on the bed’s website since she’s become the spokesperson.

27-Then get some paint and tulleThen get some paint and tulle and you’ve got one!

MaKenzie’s group is up next…Most Beautiful…not MaKenzie!  Best Dressed…not MaKenzie!  80s Wear – not MaKenzie!  Then Annette calls the “future winners” and include MaKenzie in that group.  So that means they move to the next round, right?  Juana is confused and so is the woman next to her.  Doesn’t that mean she could be a future queen at this event?  Now I’m confused, but that’s a pretty short trip when I watch these shows.

Eden’s group is up…Most Beautiful…Eden!  Best Dressed…Eden!  80s Wear…Eden!  Thank you Jesus for making the outfit show up in time!  The Universal Royalty Queen…NOT Eden, which means she pulls out for a higher title.  Eden says she’s taking home the Ultimate Grand Supreme and the bed.

28-Join the clubJoin the club.

Juana says she’s surprised MaKenzie didn’t get anything, but at this point I was sure there was just confusion and that the “future queens” were the ones who pulled out for the grand supreme titles.  Right? RIGHT?  “I can’t believe it,” Juana says.  “I’m ready to go.  I’m pissed.”  She gets up and leaves to cry and now I’m sure the editors are just screwing with us.

29-QuitterQuitter.

Eden starts whining and making a really ugly face saying, “Please God! Please God! Please God!” in the hopes that she’ll win the bed.  So Jesus is working at the post office and God is now at Beds-R-Us Emporium?  Guess the recession has hit us all.

30-ChillPlease God CHILL.

Universal Royalty Grand Supreme is…Annette is really dragging this out… “Miss…..EDEN!”  Eden is excited but doesn’t realize she doesn’t get the bed.  The woman sitting next to Mickie says, “When do you think she’ll realize she didn’t win the bed,” and Mickie, smiling, answers through semi-gritted teeth, “About the time she gets back here and sits down.”

31-LoserLoser.

MaKenzie says there is only one teddy bear left.  Annette announces the money and the princess bed…goes to…“Miss ALEX!”    MaKenzie is stunned.  Eden immediately bursts into tears and Mickie reminds her she’s on camera.  Someone should remind Mickie she’s on AUDIO.    MaKenzie’s aunt calls her over to leave and Juana interviews as everyone was leaving and MaKenzie left empty-handed, it hit her that she had won nothing.  She starts to cry.

33-Wait wtf just happenedWait.  WTF just happened?

MaKenzie cries that she wanted a crown and now she wants to go home.  Juana says she’s never had to see her cry like that, but MaKenzie cries all the time so what gives?  Then Juana says it was a tough day and she starts to cry, then apologizes that she can’t talk.  Poor thing.  That eyeliner is going to run all over the place and drown someone.

35-I cannot believe I spawned that childAnd I cannot believe I actually spawned that beast-child.

Eden is screaming and crying and Mickie says you just didn’t win a bed, some girls went home with nothing, then she says, “Fine, make a spectacle of yourself.”  Where’s the Acting Coach Marnie, this kid has tragedy down pat!  “Pull yourself together,” Mickie tells her.  Ha!

32-Now I have to sleep on the floorNow I have to sleep on the floor!

Juana says she’s not sure if they need to take another break from pageanting.  She says MaKenzie still wants to do it but it’s hard to make that decision in the moment…they’ll be fine tomorrow.  MaKenzie cries and cries and cries.  “She is who she is,” Juana says of MaKenzie.  “People like her for who she is.”  Which explains her stellar win today.

34-For the 100th time todayFor the 100th time TODAY.

Eden is still crying and she interviews she didn’t win the ultimate grand supreme… “This was an eye-opener,” Mickie says (apparently it was!).  “Eden’s celebrity status…she’s bigger than this.  She’s Eden Wood.  The singer, the entertainer…not just Eden Wood the pageant girl.”  Finally Mickie looks at Eden and says, “Honey, I can’t take it.”  Ha!

36-The agony of glittered defeatDon’t you know that there are kids in China studying right now?

The best part?  Mickie shows her true colors.  “In a perfect world, tomorrow I get the old ringy-ding,” and she makes a phone with her hand, “‘Miss Wood, we’d like to sign Eden for a $2 million deal.’  Bye-bye teacher’s job.  Hello Hollywood.”  Holy shit.  “I’ll be waiting,” she tells the camera, “give me a call!”  Uh, yeah, a $2 million dollar deal doing what, exactly?

37-Are you sure that isn't reality callingMickie, are you sure it isn’t reality calling?  Seems more likely.

Exactly. This fascination with being a celebrity just for celebrity’s sake has got to stop.  The bar is being set so low for kids nowadays and the worrisome part is that most of it is coming from the parents.  Crap.  Suddenly I feel like the teacher on Breakfast Club who tells the kids not to mess with the bull or they’ll get the horns. Now excuse me while I run outside and scream at some kids to get off my lawn.

Next week…a conservative Christian mom prays about everything her daughter puts on.  And the emcee is wearing a mask.  Who can blame him?

A Food Network host wannabe and travel fanatic (only three more continents to go!) , Dear Crabby lived in Chicago for over 10 years before returning to her native Ohio. She loves black martinis, blue cheese burgers, and The Daily Show. A two-time Chicago marathon finisher, she heartily dislikes Smokey Smokersons, slow drivers in the passing lane, and noisy children, especially when they ruin a fine dining experience or a trip to Target. A nouveau spinster, Dear Crabby spends her free time with her Cocker Spaniels and often goes by the pseudonym “Mrs. Clooney.”

50 Comments

  1. 1
    Parisi LaRoe Parisi LaRoe
    Posted June 20, 2011 at 6:24 pm

    I will read this recap later but I have been looking forward to this for a while DearCrabby. I am looking forward to the hilarity and the moms throwing worse temper tantrums than their children. Let the games begin!

  2. 2
    Flodence
    Posted June 20, 2011 at 7:01 pm

    On another board a poster who was at this pageant has enlightened everyone to what actually happened. Mak was not late to any event. Annette did those announcements calling for her after the pagaent and TLC edited them in to make her look like she wasnt on time. Bitches. ( I’m talking to you Annette and TLC)

  3. 3
    CattyFan cattyfan
    Posted June 20, 2011 at 7:06 pm

    I get confused. Is Annette Hill the Embezzler? Or is that a different Die-Rector?

  4. 4
    Chicken Lips
    Posted June 20, 2011 at 7:08 pm

    @Flodence – I’m still reading, but I caught your comment. I thought something was up when that one judge was talking about how high she scored Mackenzie and Eden, but never mentioned her being late. Very suspicious…probably to make it seem like that was the reason she didn’t win anything when we all know it’s because she looked like a cardboard cutout up there.

  5. 5
    NotWithoutMyTV
    Posted June 20, 2011 at 7:29 pm

    >>>…and TLC edited them in to make her look like she wasnt on time…<<<

    Those #@!%ers at TLC! I bet the Little Couple aren't even midgets!

  6. 6
    Chicken Lips
    Posted June 20, 2011 at 7:35 pm

    When I saw this was 80s themed, I kept waiting for that 3 year old with the Madonna cone bra to show up (Mia?) – she would have been PERFECT in this pagent.

    And even though I don’t care for Makenzie and I was rooting for Ni-Ni (because at least it kept her quiet for a bit)…she took her complete loss better than Eden took her 2nd place win. I’ve never seen anyone so hysterical about not winning a hideous bed. I’ve never seen anyone so hysterical about coming in 2nd place…but cheer up, honey…think of it as winning 1st place of the losers.

  7. 7
    CattyFan cattyfan
    Posted June 20, 2011 at 7:37 pm

    “Juana interviews that MaKenzie has mood changes and can go from being very sweet to diva in no time.”

    Multiple personalities or demonic possession…you make the call.

  8. 8
    Alice
    Posted June 20, 2011 at 8:44 pm

    This was a disappointing episode. I knew it would be the minute I saw that there was actually a large audience. The best pageants have that smattering of fat moms, grandmas, and the occasional skinny dad wearing a sweat-stained hat.
    The sight of Eden/Baby Jane being pimped out by her bat-shit crazy mom on the street corner in Hollywood (Did anyone else notice only about half the crowd was clapping?)was so sad. I expected to see a little basket or something in front of her, where people could toss in a few coins.
    Will these 2 actually retire? I doubt MacKenzie will, but Eden probably will go on to bigger and better things…like appearing at her local WalMart, dressed as a Vegas showgirl and offering samples of Red Bull.

  9. 9
    moore
    Posted June 20, 2011 at 8:59 pm

    I enjoy watching this show but I felt like the season premiere was a disappointment. Too much hype I guess. I really like Makenzie, so I was disappointed she didn’t win anything. But I’ll admit Eden was better than her in 80′s wear.

    Mickie seems like a horribly exploitative parent. An 80 city summer mall tour for a six year old? Really? I noticed that Mickie was driving a red corvette on the show. I wonder how much money is being put aside for Eden from all of their successful projects. I bet none. She is essentially being robbed of her childhood. Being forced to work by her delusional and narcissistic mother who views her as her meal ticket. Eden won’t have a dime to show for all her work and lost childhood by the time she turns 18.

    Also, looks like Mickie might get her Hollywood wish after all. Allegedly they’re filming a reality show called Eden Wood Goes Hollywood which is why Eden temporarily retired. Maybehttp://www.hollywoodlife.com/2011/06/16/toddlers-tiaras-star-eden-wood-stepping-down-quits/

  10. 10
    April
    Posted June 20, 2011 at 11:31 pm

    As always good recap!
    I have to say I felt sorry for Mackenzi when she realized she didn’t win anything and was crying so hard saying she “just wanted a little crown.”
    How sad that Eden’s mom didn’t even try to comfort her, instead she just berated her child. (Well, her meal ticket.) These kids will have a LOT to tell their therapists in a few years.

  11. 11
    georgiababe
    Posted June 21, 2011 at 12:22 am

    The future winners thing confused me for a bit too, I also thought it meant they pulled out. But I guess they mean future winners as in “maybe you’ll win…in the future” and they call them future winners instead of just ushering off the stage. Gives them hope, I guess.

    And DearCrabby – not all kids are like that. Not even close. These children are exceptionally spoiled and bratty. I was a nanny for the same family for 4 years for 2 little girls. Their parents did not spoil them or allow them to be rude and disrespectful, if they did it was an immediate punishment and I took the same approach. Yes, sometimes they had temper tantrums, but all in all they were extremely well-behaved children and I had so much fun looking after them, playing outside, doing crafts, baking. When they’re not brats, they’re awesome. I don’t think I could deal with a kid like McKenzie though. If I were her mother and she acted like that toward me she would have be pulled out of that pageant so fast she wouldn’t even realize what hit her. I think she’s hysterical to watch, but I could not stand to be her mother.

    Also, did anyone notice the baby lying on MacKenzie’s bed? I thought that her mother was pregnant last season, but I couldn’t tell if it was a girl or a boy. MacKenzie 2.0, perhaps?

  12. 12
    truthsquad
    Posted June 21, 2011 at 7:31 am

    @Alice nailed it with the Eden/Baby Jane comparision. I can see ahead 40 years when a gin soaked and bloated Eden Wood is taking to the stage in Vegas…I mean Atlantic City…oh who are we kidding…Branson…..to sing “Cutesie Roll” and give out her very own Eden Wood dolls to lucky (and confused) fans.

    As for MaKenzie…At that point, I think she’ll be doing hard time…

  13. 13
    happymom
    Posted June 21, 2011 at 7:33 am

    A mother on another forum I belong to was at the pageant and said that the whole Makenzie being late thing was fake…Annette taped those segments AFTER the pageant was over. The entire thing was fabricated and the “win” for Eden was completely orchestrated, as was Makenzie’s complete and utter failure. The fact that Annette would pull such a stunt is despicable. Incidentally, apparently Eden was late to EVERY event!

  14. 14
    atlgirl
    Posted June 21, 2011 at 8:49 am

    Don’t cry honey, you’re on CAMERA! That was a Mommie Dearest moment if I ever saw one. Now that Eden is older she looks more like Jessica Simpson to me than Anna Nicole.

    I actually though Mackenzie did a good job with the acting coach. She is actually one of the few kids on this show that I think actually wants to perform and isn’t just being pushed by her mom.

  15. 15
    Fan-Ann
    Posted June 21, 2011 at 9:26 am

    Juana and Mickie have set their girls up for a lifetime of disappointment. The unrelenting emphasis on fake beauty (wigs, tanning, flippers etc.) and no emphasis on kindness, manners, and good character is beyond frightening. They have created little monsters and will have to deal with the results for the rest of their lives. One example of the future bitch school of motherhood is Eden’s “secret weapon” against Makenzie. That wasn’t just a fake pair of giant teeth, it was the front of a joke pacifier, evidently intended to make fun of Makenzie’s dependence on Ni-Ni. And the wicked side-eyes those girls were throwing each other were stunning. The girl who won was beautiful and unless my eyes deceived me, was not nearly as made-up and was sporting her own hair!!

  16. 16
    Alice
    Posted June 21, 2011 at 10:35 am

    Truthsquad…Hahahahaha!!!
    A “gin soaked and bloated Eden Wood” performing in Branson. That is awesome.

  17. 17
    Clair Clair
    Posted June 21, 2011 at 1:12 pm

    I clicked on your page 1 link (littleedenwood) and OMG, those photos creeped me out ~ little girls with large alien eyes. (shudder)

    Hilarious recap!

  18. 18
    plockeness monster
    Posted June 21, 2011 at 2:08 pm

    The first link is a child molester’s dream.

  19. 19
    ray
    Posted June 21, 2011 at 2:48 pm

    I think she said “Prickles” not “Prick off”- either way, it’s brilliant

  20. 20
    princess mom
    Posted June 21, 2011 at 3:30 pm

    Actually, Flodence, I was at the pageant and MaKenzie missed an entire event because her outfit didn’t fit. She was late for her 80′s routine because my daughter got moved on stage early. Let’s all get our facts straight. And P.S. who cares… aren’t we all just here for fun?!!?

  21. 21
    happymom
    Posted June 21, 2011 at 4:18 pm

    So there were more than two events? If Mak missed an entire event, what was it? We saw her in beauty and 80′s wear, so what was left out? Could it have been talent? Would have liked to see that – nothing like watching Eden screech “cutie patootie” to make my day!

    Flodence, I heard the same story from the woman who was at the pageant; we must belong to the same forum!

  22. 22
    Wilma Fingherdu
    Posted June 21, 2011 at 5:54 pm

    Excellent recap, DearCrabby! I was surprised to learn that Eden is such a little snot and that Mickie is the stereotypical stage mom. Up till now, it’s always appeared that Eden was just a sweet little girl enjoying girly pageants with the support of her mom, but now we have seen the unvarnished truth! Though I’m usually throwing snark and sarcasm during these shows, this time my blood ran cold when I witnessed the very moment that low self-esteem, eating/addiction issues, or at very least, chronic lifelong neurosis began to manifest itself in both girls….creeeeepyyyyy!!!

  23. 23
    tracy
    Posted June 21, 2011 at 8:47 pm

    im pretty sure the baby on makenzie’s bed was also a girl…as evidenced by what looked to be one of those elastic band bow things with a bow as big as my car on it.

  24. 24
    shantigal
    Posted June 21, 2011 at 9:40 pm

    Juana is clearly not on meth or she’d be a lot more svelte.

  25. 25
    Marissa Barnes
    Posted June 22, 2011 at 12:34 am

    “So Jesus is working at the post office and God is now at Beds-R-Us Emporium? Guess the recession has hit us all.”

    Love this quote so much I put it on my facebook. Awesome job!

  26. 26
    happymom
    Posted June 22, 2011 at 4:48 am

    The baby is a girl…apparently her name is Madellie (as in, rhymes with Natalie). Really.

  27. 27
    Frank
    Posted June 22, 2011 at 10:03 am

    Sometimes reaping the rewards of hard work ARE blessings. It’s a blessing to be presented with the opportunity to work and a blessing to be able to work in the first place. Amen. (Sorry, I’m a baptist from Texas and I had to throw that in there).
    Secondly, I also think that Eden looks like a baby Anna Nicole and without all her makeup, she was just a chubby, normal looking girl.

  28. 28
    Bridget
    Posted June 22, 2011 at 11:24 am

    I need a brain douche after clicking on the first link. I also made the mistake of watching Eden sing Cutie Pootie. What the fuck is wrong with her mother? I wish I could unsee the things that I just saw. The entire song is simply about listing all the tv shows and pagents the Eden has been on. Oh yeah and she even has her own Facebook page. My eighty year old grammie just got a Facebook page. I suppose that means that I should get packing and planning my move to Hollywood because only famous superstars have Facebook pages.

    Eden’s mother needs to be shot for selling that “book” about Eden. All it is pageant pictures of Eden at various ages. I am sure that the majority of people purchasing that book are pedophiles and Catholic priests. Who cares if disgusting creeps masturbate to your daughter’s image and fantasize about all the vile acts they would like to engage in with her. Your making money!!!! MasterCard might try to tell you that protecting your child is priceless, but don’t believe that bullshit. Protecting your child is going to cost you all that book money. I am sure by now the book has generated at least a hundred dollars.

    Her mom is also a piece of shit for getting Eden to put those rabbit teeth in to make fun of Mackenize. What a fucking psycho. I wonder how she would react if another mother had her child wearing a pig snout, telling Eden I have a secret weapon for you. I am not saying that Eden looks like Little Miss Piggy now, but she is still young. Plus I like to think that the snout would be a subtle jab at Eden’s mother for being a greedy little piggy.

    If Eden was in my child’s class. Well my imaginary child. Like DearCrabby. I am single and childless by choice. but I would totally put her into another school because you know that Eden is going to grow up to be a world class bitch and is going to turn
    many kid’s lives into a living hell. I know that bullying is the new it phrase, but after seeing the whole rabbit teeth joke. It is obvious that Eden could easily become a terrible bully unless she gets adopted. I hope that as she grows up that she looks for some adult role models beyond her narcissistic mother. I have one of those and thank god she relived her glory years by pushing me into competition swimming, since I was able to form strong bonds with teammates and I got to be physically active. It still took me forever to develop an ounce of confidence and to have any self esteem because my mother took credit for all of my accomplishments, while all my failures were proof of how I hated her for being a terrible mother.

    Eden probably won’t be as lucky especially being in the pageant world were I imagine it is much more difficult to make friends and obviously there are no teams in the pageant world. She is not going to have the opportunity to experience the encouragement and confidence that comes from working together to accomplish some goal or feat. Who knows maybe Eden’s mom isn’t suffering with a narcissistic personality disorder and she will come out completely fine. At the very least her mother should make the tickets to Eden’s mall tour more than $5. We should all be focusing our efforts on taking money out of the pockets of kid touchers, so they have less cash to spend on candy, Happy Meals, and trips aboard.

    Well, the rental agency just informed me that I have gone completely over my allotted time on this soap box and I need to step away and to leave the joking and commentary to the professionals.

  29. 29
    Moli Moli
    Posted June 22, 2011 at 12:40 pm

    Is it bad that I’m wishing that the girls are afflicted with the ‘Middle School uglies’.

  30. 30
    happymom
    Posted June 22, 2011 at 1:38 pm

    No, Moli, it is not bad…most of them have not even hit the awkward stage yet…wait until the teeth start coming in everywhere and long arms and legs are all over the place…then it will be interesting. I’m also sure most of them will end up with horrific acne from all the years of clogging immature pores with makeup.

  31. 31
    tracy
    Posted June 22, 2011 at 4:56 pm

    I am watching my daughter at her swimming lesson right now and she finally figured out how to back float and kick simultaneously. I was so excited I damn near yelled “git it GIIIRLLLLL!” No, I really did. It was right in my throat when i caught myself.

    God, I need an intervention.

  32. 32
    Fan-Ann
    Posted June 22, 2011 at 5:07 pm

    @tracy, at least you didn’t yell “Sparkle baby!”, so there’s no need to panic. Also, Juana and Mickie wouldn’t have their little darlings in swim classes unless they could wear waterproof makeup.

  33. 33
    Tracy Lund
    Posted June 22, 2011 at 8:19 pm

    oh right, right. i didnt think of that. also, her swimwear is actually something she can conceivably really swim in, and since i dont add a hair piece, a flipper or a spray tan, i guess one Git It Girl! could be overlooked.

  34. 34
    lilmommaj
    Posted June 22, 2011 at 10:24 pm

    Can’t you just picture McKenzie and Eden 10 years from now pulling a “Taylor Momsen” and blaming their mothers for pushing them into show business? She started as adorable Cindy Lou Who and thanks to her parents (her words), this is her at 17… http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/06/13/taylor-momsen-flashes-bar_n_876103.html

  35. 35
    soapboxx
    Posted June 23, 2011 at 12:28 am

    Mickie came off as awful, and poor little Eden is no cutie now. So sad Makenzie’s “There’s only one more teddy bear” and “I just wanted a crown, even a little one”. This episode was a disappointment. I was really hoping for a few laughs but it was too real. Also Mickie giving Eden Red Bull was so wrong, poor little brain.

  36. 36
    Gypsy Rose Lee
    Posted June 23, 2011 at 5:43 am

    Mickie allowing and apparently encouraging Eden to make fun of MaKenzie was really low- and for this show that’s really saying something. Mickie appears to be vying for the coveted Dina Lohan Mother of the Year trophy.

  37. 37
    Riley
    Posted June 24, 2011 at 7:14 am

    Mak’s sister’s name is Natalie, not Madallie. Juana’s cousin has a facebook and I asked her.

    And they don’t always show all the events on the show. In fact, a lot of the time events are left out because of time constraints.

  38. 38
    dazzyfresh
    Posted June 24, 2011 at 8:31 am

    Sorry so late, and this may have been said already, but im on page one and i swear i was looking at Tyra Banks ten years and more carbohydrates than now…i mean whoa

  39. 39
    flybsbgirl
    Posted June 25, 2011 at 9:01 am

    I have never watched this show but have always read your recaps. I dont think I can even bear that anymore now that Ive looked at some of these links. These people are terrible parents, instilling no sense of decency in their children. These kids have zero love, respect, or kindness instilled in them, its disgusting. This shit is child abuse, and these children are going to need some hard core rehabilitation to turn out somewhat decent but Im fairly certain they will all end up strung out/in jail/teen moms, etc.

    I just watched this link showing what a lovely personality Mackenzie is, I want to hate her, but since shes just a child and its her mom who is a complete whack ass idiot that is the reason why she is the way she is, I just feel really bad for her, its so sad…Where are the fathers?

  40. 40
    Katie
    Posted June 25, 2011 at 12:20 pm

    Australia does not want “America’s Sweetheart,” and Die-Rector Annette Hill bringing pageants to their side of the world. What’s most disturbing is this quote about Eden, “The Sydney Morning Herald dubbed her “Little Miss Pricey” when her agent said it could cost up to $20,000 for the paper to interview Eden. Annette Hill, the founder of Universal Royalty, wanted $5,000 to be interviewed.” Way to exploit your kid, Mickie. The only thing sadder is the suckers who would be willing to pay for her, half-assed backwards “autograph.”
    http://enlighteneducation.edublogs.org/2011/05/26/babies-not-barbies-sand-pits-not-glitz/

  41. 41
    Bridget
    Posted June 25, 2011 at 1:15 pm

    I strongly suggest that everyone click on Katie’s link. First because it restored a little more in my faith in humanity and it is encouraging to see people actually taking a stance and actually trying to protect more than just themselves or their families. I hope the protest work and Universal Royalty is kept from running the same scam in Australia as they are in America.

    The second reason: the Tom Hanks video, it is a well excuted piece of satire and satire done well is such a rare treat. So go watch it. The video was made for the
    Jimmy Kimmel show, but it was much more like a well crafted, very funny video for Funny or Die.

    Katie: thanks for sharing the link. Did you watch the Tom Hanks video? I was expecting it to be bad, but surprisingly it wasn’t. The wig made me laugh. Well now you look just like a Bratz Doll, but the song at the end that was great especially since they are the only 80s hair band that I listened too and I loved that song.

  42. 42
    Alison Zimmerman
    Posted June 25, 2011 at 2:42 pm

    so I just watched this eppi, along with the link that kate posted. I knew there was a reason I never watched this show…but after watching this eppi, I felt back for Mak! She was pretty funny telling her suitcase to “shhhhhhh” and that her NiNi was a hard working lady! I know that I am probably going to be shunned for this but, I think that Mak would be less of a brat if she was given the choice! She seems like she would be doing this for fun, not because mom throws her into them…And don’t even get me started on Eden’s mom. That bitch needs to come down a peg or two. By the looks of your house, it looks like you live paycheck to paycheck, But with the Brand New Truck that you are driving, we all know where Eden’s money is going too!

    I actually watched the eppi from the other night, so I will have alot to comment on that…Flove Hailey, she was soooo CUTE!

  43. 43
    Katie
    Posted June 25, 2011 at 7:06 pm

    That Tom Hanks videos is one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. I love that the name of the pageant was “Ultimate Sexy Baby,” and Ron Howards surprise ending was hilarious. I also think it was hysterical that her grand performance was dancing to “Talk Dirty to Me,” with Tom doing the moves in the back. The whole video was SPOT ON! I feel better about watching the show when I see how big it is in pop culture. Jimmy Kimmel has mocked it several times so you know he’s a fan.

    I too felt like that article restored my faith in humanity. It was very informative. I’ve always thought that Mickie is a vile, narcissistic, woman, who’s hell bend on exploiting her child to compensate for her own failures but that article took it to a whole new level. Charging for interviews and autographs? Between pushing the kid to perform like a trained monkey and dragging her all over the US to do “concerts,” that poor kid has no childhood. She’ll be burned out by 16. Mickie is one of the worst stage parents I’ve ever heard of and I hope there’s a special circle in hell for her.

  44. 44
    Wasabipeas Wasabipeas
    Posted June 26, 2011 at 7:12 am

    I watched the cutie patootie video and I could practically hear the perverts drooling in the background. WHAT IS THIS MOTHER THINKING???

  45. 45
    sk
    Posted June 26, 2011 at 8:07 am

    PLEASE! Bring back David and whats-her-name (his average looking daughter).

  46. 46
    Crystal Alcala-Lusk
    Posted July 2, 2011 at 12:35 am

    Holy Potatoes!! Someone needs to learn how to teach a child some manners. That little McKenzie girl needs a good old exorcism!!!! I am actually disturbed that I watched the entire show. God help us all if this is what our future looks like.

  47. 47
    Kat Penrod
    Posted August 21, 2011 at 1:31 pm

    what’s scary is not that bed… it’s the custom “Eden Wood” version – http://www.princesscanopybeds.com/eden-wood/cat_33.html

  48. 48
    user 3
    Posted September 23, 2011 at 6:11 pm

    OMG! I just clicked on Kats link. Eden has her face on a pillow and sheet set. That can’t be good. I don’t see other little girlsv wanting to um, sleep, on her face

    This episode and your recap kinda upset me. I think it really showed bad parents not bad kids. Yes, almost all the parents on here are bad parents but I think people forget that McKensie is only 5 and Eden just turned 6. They were crying because they were disapointed and the right thing would have been to comfort them not yell at them “were on camera.” Stop treating them like meal tickets and Protect your kids!

  49. 49
    nerosmum
    Posted November 1, 2011 at 12:05 am

    Dear Mickie, Someday your little cash cow is going to sue your ass over that red Corvette. Do you not read the tabloids? Or are you counting on Inevitable Outcome B, headlined “Mini Prost I Mean Pageant Queen ODs In Seedy L.A. Motel”?

  50. 50
    fairygothmom
    Posted April 14, 2012 at 4:26 pm

    As of April 14, 2012 – 2 days before “Eden’s World” premieres on Logo – everything but the body pillow cover is sold out. And you just know some of those pillows were sold to adults.

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