Toddlers & Tiaras: Push it Like You’re Homeless!

This episode of Toddlers & Tiaras takes us through Candyland and Director Tonya Bailey’s Lollipops and Gumdrops pageant.  Wonder if she’s considered Red Bull and Mt. Dew pageant?  Bet she could make a fortune!  “Move over Pixie Stix, glitz never tasted so good,” she says, licking a gigantic lollipop.

 Work it, Tonya!

The pageant is a candy-themed pageant and all the girls are “going to have to call their dentist because it’s really going to hit their sweet tooth,” Tonya says.  These kids are going to be bouncing off the walls by the end of the day, then crashing hard after dinner.

The prize for ultimate grand supreme with cheese in the crust is a custom play house that most of the tall girls will not be able to fit into, but is very cool just the same.  Even cooler and more on my wish-list?  The totally awesome and colorful tiaras that have cupcakes in rhinestones.  CUPCAKES IN RHINESTONES, people.

 Clearly Tonya has been out drinking with Betty.  And they didn’t invite US!

First up, in Montgomery, Louisiana, we hear that voice…that unmistakable voice of MAKENZIE!  She is calling her cat, Prince, and we see him hiding under the sofa.  Now he’s under the bed and she’s pulling him towards her.

“I’m MaKenzie, I’m 6 and I’m famous,” she says, attempting to wink but mostly looking like she just had a stroke.  Also, I believe the word you were looking for was “infamous.”  She’s holding the cat which immediately scratches her and she screams, “OWWW!” and starts crying.  This is why I have dogs.  Fewer mood swings.

 Stroke alert!

She gets the cat back by brushing it, although it sort of looks like it’s enjoying it.  Also there is mom Juana, who looks just as sleepy as we remember.  We hear horror music and see footage of previous episodes of MaKenzie screaming and crying and freaking out and snotting back to her mom while at pageants.  Good times.

 Chunky and Chica, for the love of God, SAVE ME!

Juana tells us that MaKenzie is realizing what it is to be famous (that is not going to turn out well) and that she got to be on Anderson Cooper’s talk show (did the swap stories on their favorite hair care products?) and she got to be in a spread in People, which I unfortunately saw while at the salon.

Juana also tells us about a Funny or Die video starring Ashley Tisdale as MaKenzie that was pretty funny (and accurate).  Juana understood it to be a joke and seemed to enjoy it.  As opposed to other pageant moms who seem to have lost their sense of humor along with their youth.

“It is crazy to have celebrities know who my child is,” Juana says.  Aww, thanks, but I really don’t think I’m a celebrity.

Juana is attempting to practice with Mak and Mak whines, “I don’t want tooooooooo,” probably because her feet are terribly moist in those mini-Uggs.  She whines and huffs and puffs.

Juana says no matter where they go people know them, people take pictures of them, and Mak actually tells her mother to dress her in a disguise.  No, no, take the attention now so when you get out of rehab people will be there to welcome you back!

In Dubberly, Louisiana, we meet the rival siblings of the show as their mom tells the oldest that she had a pageant dress before she was even born.  “How did you know what size I was?” Brooke, 10, asks.  You were wee, she just had a feeling.

Kaylie, 8, laughs and we see shots of the both of them right next to a trailer that seriously has like 3’ x 5’ photos of both the girls on the side.  It is totally creepy and probably causes a lot of car accidents – people driving into cement pylons just to escape it!

All aboard the Pedophile Express!

Mom Joni is the anti-Jamie Sterling (so was Joan Crawford) and says the girls were both doing pageants right as they were born.  She explains Kaylie has an “over-the-top” personality whereas Brooke is more of the calm child.  These girls look so much alike, most of the time I had no idea which was which.  It was much easier with the Sterling girls, what with one twin being so much uglier than the other.
I mean look at them!

Brooke and Kaylie are on the sofa just hanging out and behind them is a blanket with a photo of the two of them from years ago.  That is sort of creepy.

Dad Shaun has the understatement of the year when he says that the two girls are “kinda” competitive with one another.  Brooke says she has 20-30 crowns and Kaylie says she has 30-40 crowns, and says she’s going to beat Brooke at the pageant.  “And if Brooke starts crying, I will beatcha to the ground,” Kaylie says.  Beat me?  Beat Brooke?  Either way, rude.  Brooke looks to the side.

We see the girls playing tug-of-war with a very pointy trophy (safe!) then we cut back to Brooke looking at Kaylie who says, “Stop crying, you’re embarrassing me.”  Brooke, hiding behind her hair says, “Shut up,” and Kaylie says, “You shut up,” and they shove each other.  Tears stream down Brooke’s face.  Wow, and Jamie Sterling wasn’t even around!

Memories…like the corners of my mind…NO, YOU SHUT UP.

Over in Paris, Texas, one of the worst movies I have ever seen (even though Harry Dean Stanton rocks!), we meet mom Shemanda, daughter Hailey, 9, and Hailey’s god-tranny, DJ who is a drag queen named Shangela and performs in Los Angeles, as well as on on RuPaul’s show.  And damn, he looks good dressed as a woman!

Shemanda tells us Hailey didn’t start doing pageants until she was 7 and let me tell you, girl has definitely made up for lost time.  She is very poised and elegant when she prances around.

 Tyra, the early years.

Then DJ has the second stroke of the episode.  “I’m here to make sure Hailey goes to this pageant, this bubblegum and lollidrops, gumpops and something…little miss gumball and mumball…jumbo drop, I know it’s going to be turning the party what’s it called?  Miss Mumbo Jumbo?  Gumball and Lollipops?”

“I want you to push that cart like a homeless woman in New York,” DJ tells Hailey as she practices her candy wear routine.  Because homeless women in New York are so much chic-er than homeless women elsewhere.

 One bottle of hair color away from being Simply Red.

Back with the Brooke & Kaylie who are practicing their new routines.  Brooke says Kaylie doesn’t practice as much as she does and Kaylie immediately says, “Yes I do!”  Oh, this would get sooo annoying.  Why can’t they put these kids in different pageants instead of the same ones?  One this weekend, one next weekend?  The upside is that we don’t see the parents really favoring one kid over the other.

Joni says that Kaylie has a little harder time focusing on the pageant and practicing because of her personality.  Brooke interviews that she’s more dedicated to pageants and Kaylie asks what “dedicated” means.  Brooke just smiles and Kaylie immediately says, “I’m the most dedi-cate,” and Brooke laughs.  “How do you know you are if you don’t know what it means?” Brooke asks.  “Cause you said it,” Kaylie says.  I’m exhausted just listening to them!

Back with the Mak attack, Mak is running through the yard and Juana is telling her not to ruin her dress.  Too late, she’s already in it!  You know, those off-the-should shirts Juana wears just makes her look more droopy and tired.  Juana sighs, starts walking away and says, “Beat her ass,” except TLC beeps out ass.

“MaKenzie knows when I’m around, she can get away with more,” Juana says.  Yeah, that’s kind of the opposite of how it should work.  We see Juana talking to her mother (?) and taking pageant baby #2 from her mom while saying Mak is out playing in the mud in her new dress.  Well, next time don’t let her off her leash, duh.  Mak storms in then wipes out on the floor.

 Let’s not forget her “facial” beauty.

Juana reminds us of the tragedy of the last time we saw Mak compete and how she walked away with nothing…and I mean NOTHING.  It was the first time we were treated to a T&T kid not getting a damn thing and Mak freaked and cried.  It was actually pretty rewarding.  For us.

Back in Paris, DJ is taking Hailey to get her nails done because, “No nails, you fail.”  Oh Lord.  DJ tells the manicurist to keep them closer to the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, not New Jersey…like either of those should be role models for little girls.  Or role models for drag queens, I mean come on, have some dignity, queens!  Don’t be like the RH of anything!

“Drag queens are cool…they’re like role models,” Hailey says.  “Cause they’re all fierce.”  Aww.  Adorable.  And somewhat disturbing as she’s only nine and should still be playing with Barbies and Ken dolls with no wieners.  Weiner I believe is also an accepted form of that word.

DJ makes a hissing noise and asks what the pageant is called again, “Gumdrops and Lollipops?” and Hailey corrects him.  Hailey tells us that unfortunately DJ has a show the same day as her pageant, so he won’t be there (boo!  I was totally looking forward to that).  “We’re going to send each other good vibes,” Hailey says.  Well points to both of you for not sending prayers or Jesus, Mary and/or Joseph, since they all have bigger things to worry about like Denver beating whatever team they have to beat next or whatever the hell is happening in guy ball land.

After the manicure, Hailey says she felt like a queen.  “And I think he felt like a queen too,” Hailey says about DJ.  I think he feels that way all the time, and who wouldn’t with that skin?

Back with the Exhausting Sisters, Joni and Shaun are packing up the girls’ stuff and Joni says if the girls helped, they’d get done faster.  Both girls are stretched out on the sofa like sloths and say they’re good where they are.  They say they aren’t going to help them pack because it is “sooo boooring.”  So is this storyline!  Snore.

Shaun says they got the pageant trailer which hauls “at least $10,000 worth of pageant stuff all the time.”  Hear that, potential robbers?  He says they get a lot of looks and stares and honking when they drive it around.  Well, that’s one way to identify the pedophiles.

Back in Paris, it continues to be fierce as friends and family stop by Hailey’s house for a “walk-off” between Hailey and Shangela.  Hailey is beautiful and does a great job.  She is very tall and thin and she has a very elegant way about her – very model-ish.  Shangela walks out and sort of scares the little ones.  He looks amazing and Shemanda tells the kids it’s “Uncle DJ.”

Oh, work it sistah!  Work it like you are a homeless Los Angelean!

The kids squeal like they are on a Cosby special – frightened but knowing enough to play by his rules.  Hailey wins the walk-off.  “I lost to a 9 year old girl,” Shangela says.  “I guess I trained her well.”  Indeed you have and way to be cool about it.

 Say you enjoy Jell-O Pudding Pops, quick!

So now we’re with Mak in public, at a store where Juana tells us they are looking for an outfit for “MaKenzie’s arrival at the pageant.”  Say what now huh?  Are you freakin’ kidding me?  They need an arrival outfit?  Wow.  No wonder Mak kind of freaks about the attention – they beg for it and it is overwhelming.  Mak tries on several outfits then says, “Now I’m done!” and she runs off.  I’d hate to be working at that store.

MaKenzie continues to call for her cat and poor Prince is hiding under the SUV, probably hoping one of the gigantic tires will take away the last of his lives so he can relax in Kitty Heaven!  As they leave the house, I notice two things:  1- Mak is not buckled in and 2-The cat looks very relieved.  Mak asks Juana if the cat is going to follow them and Juana says no, and we see the cat taking off after them.  Probably to make sure they are gone before he puts on one of the pageant dresses and rolls a fatty.

Pageant day in beautiful Nacogdoches, Texas!  Home of Stephen F. Austin State University!  Go fighting…Pinecones?  Anyway, Tonya tells us they try to make a fabulous stage and there is a lot of glitter and lollipops and gumdrops and jumbo gumbo drops and all sorts of candy type of things, including signage that reads, “Bailey’s Pageants.”  Tonya has become an industry!  And Tonya, I will need to know where you got that ruffle-y purple-y shirt that looks amazing…I don’t have the boobage to look that good in it, but a girl can dream, can’t she?

Tonya runs through the contestants…Hailey has the sparkle that “you can’t buy,” although I bet you could at your neighborhood craft store;  Brooke and Kaylie have parents that will do whatever it takes for them to become top competitors, including having a huge trailer with Photoshopped pictures of their daughters that they drag from state to state; and MaKenzie…who pulls up to a not-at-all-production-crew-inspired band of screaming girls holding Mak-related posters.  Oh, production crew, really?  Come on.

 These girls are too young for me to tell them to get a life, but they really should.

Tonya says she knows MaKenzie has so many fans.  “Her name is tweeting on Twitter,” Tonya says.  “That’s bigtime, when you can get whatever that is called, you know,” she says as we see a little girl holding a sign that reads, “I want my Ni-Ni.”  Oh my God, which production assistant had to scrawl that in little-kid writing?  That is just mean!

One of Mak’s entourage says her favorite moment is when MaKenzie whines, “Why can’t I just be myself?” and they show the clip of it.  It’s horrifying.  Juana says Mak enjoys meeting people and taking pictures with her fans but sometimes it can be a little too much.

Hey!  I think I saw Miss Christie!  Brooke and Kaylie are still snotting at each other as to who won which pageant, who did more national pageants, etc. and honestly, I really can’t tell these girls apart.  I really hope that this was all for the show and not what goes on in real life, because they will both be drinking at 13 if this continues.  I mean, this would be so tiring to put up with all day, the constant one-upping.

 Ironically, they will take an almost-identical picture in 60 years.

Juana tells us that MaKenzie really doesn’t like hair extensions or fake eyelashes.  Then what the hell is she doing in pageants?  Put her in women’s wrestling already.  Juana tells us what we already know…sometimes MaKenzie is good at pageants, sometimes she’s horrible.  We call the horrible times “Toddlers & Tiaras episodes.”

MaKenzie is whining about…the dress?  Oh, her eyelashes.  She throws herself on the floor and she’s crying and OMG she just asked for her Ni-Ni!  Where is that damn thing?  She must have given it up because we haven’t seen it or heard about it all episode!  Denied!

Over with Hailey, she says her mother is nervous about doing her hair and makeup.  “If my hair falls out, that’s a crisis,” Hailey says.  I feel the same way when I go get my hair colored.  Not that I do.  I bet they both miss DJ today.  He would be a ton of fun or a huge pain in the ass at this thing, I really can’t tell.

Tonya tells us during the beauty section of the pageant, the judges are judging of facial beauty alone.  Then why do they have to dress up in those dresses, then?  Why not just judge them on photographs?

I’d really re-think putting this face into the pageant.

MaKenzie is standing on the hotel bed in a beautiful white dress with a huge Pixie Stix in her mouth.  Much like I’m guessing her wedding night will be with the one difference being she’s not pregnant now.

 
There’s the money shot.

Juana is worried because MaKenzie won’t practice and she wants her to (you’d think the huge failure of the last pageant would be a good thing to remind this kid of).  MaKenzie interviews that she’s had three Pixie Stix (the large ones) and we see her spazzing all around – this is probably prior to her getting dressed up because she’s not made up for the pageant yet.

In the pageant hall, MaKenzie tells Juana, “I don’t like you talking to me at pageants.”  Oh, man, I would shut those pageants down immediately if my kid said that to me.  Seriously, that would totally piss me off.

MaKenzie’s group goes onstage and it’s funny…MaKenzie looks like she’s going to be a really sloppy drunk when she gets older.  There is something about her face – very much like Anna Nicole Smith, if that makes sense.  She just looks fake and like she’s trying too hard, and I don’t think the teeth look as natural as they could.

“Is her belly showing?” Juana asks, and I wonder if June the Wonder Bullfrog Couponer from last week has joined us.  Looks like MaKenzie’s skirt has sort of split open (right there with you, Mak, during the holidays I ate like I was going to be hibernating in January!) and you can see her belly.  If you hadn’t have tanned it, you probably wouldn’t see it so clearly next to that white dress.  But if they are only looking at FACIAL beauty, it shouldn’t count off, right?

 Looks like she had a good holiday season, too!

“Shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot!” Juana says.  I wish we could, but I think that would be considered homicide.  When she gets off the stage they fix it.  Phew!  For a split second, I thought we were going to have to deploy Seal Team Six.

MaKenzie goes onstage for her beauty walk and seriously, she looks like she’s trying to keep her teeth in.  She doesn’t look very natural and she’s not really smiling.  I didn’t think she did such a great job.  One of the judges says she’s “a star,” and that other girls may step up her game a little.  Then Mak trips over her shoes a little.  Then she does it again.  And again…not in a big way, but she stumbles a little.  One of the judges says her shoes were too big and she did get counted off for.  But it’s not FACIAL, so why would that be counted against her?  She didn’t stumble across her FACE!

 Meh.

Next up is Kaylie in the 8 year old division.  She looks very pretty and she has very pretty blue eyes.  Shawn says he gets nervous because Kaylie wings it a lot.  Yeah, good luck with that in college, honey.  It’s a little harder than high school.  Kaylie does fine and Joni says she did better than she expected.

 Kaylie channeling Barbie.

And of course Brooke is up in the next division and she looks like that stereotypical pageant girl – plastered hair although I thought the big crease in the back should have had points taken off.  Did I just become a pageant judge?  Kill me now.

 Brooke channeling Kaylie channeling Barbie.

Hailey is up and she looks amazing.  The emcee says Hailey wants to be a model and a doctor.  Good luck with that.  She does a great job then gets offstage and freaks.  She says the teeny tiny scuff with her shoe almost made her fall over and she thought she did terribly.  You could barely see it…the only reason we did is because they edit it so we can see it.

As Hailey interviews she starts to cry, then her mother comes from off-camera to comfort her and tells her not to cry, then mom is tearing up.  It’s really adorable.  It’s very clear they have a normal relationship and really love each other.  This kid will probably end up being a model AND a doctor and will never get fat and we’ll all have to hate her because she’s also nice.

 How can you cry when you are wearing coral and sparkles?

Candy Wear!  Sounds like a drag name.  MaKenzie is about to go onstage and Juana interviews that Mak is going to make up the routine onstage.  That usually turns out well.  Not sure why Mak is dressed in a Minnie Mouse outfit, that doesn’t really make sense unless she’s a mouse that shows up when the candy is left out too long.

 Am I the only one who sees porn in her future?

Juana is relieved that Mak actually is doing a good job – she’s doing her “sassy” faces and moving her shoulders – she even remembers to almost smile.  I think she does the pouty face too much and I didn’t think it was that great.

Oh – the entourage is back.  They hug her and take pictures of her and Juana says it can get stressful.  Meh.

Kaylie is up in a very cool striped sequined dress that I would love to have in adult size and she prances all over the stage while Brooke watches.  Shaun says he’s always nervous for her but she does a great job.  Lots of energy, very natural and a big smile.

 Seriously, I must have this dress!

Brooke gets onstage and does an amazing job bouncing around and holy shit she does a bunch of backflips and handsprings is absolutely amazing!  Wow – that was a ton of energy.

 The moment Brooke herniates her disc…but she won’t know it for years.

Hailey is ready to go and says she’s ready to push the cart like a homeless lady in New York.  “That’s all she’s got,” Hailey says.  Yes, yes it is.  That and her sassy New York walk!  One judge loves Hailey’s Candy Wear because it reminded her of the 50s.  She really is a natural but I could see her moving into modeling – she’s almost too sophisticated for cupcake skirts and the like.

 Just like a homeless New Yorker!  So colorful!

This is new – the first time they let us hear the judges talk – not sure that’s a good move.  They mention that MaKenzie stumbled but then someone says her dress in beauty was stunning – I thought they were only looking at FACIAL beauty.  Tonya better get on these judges!  Another judge says Mak had good eye contact but one judge disagrees…is Mak racist because the only judge she didn’t look at was the African-American one?  Oops!  Sucks to be you, whitey!

The loved Brooke with her arm out and they loved her back handsprings and they said Kaylie had a beautiful dress and a little kick.  They said Hailey was a natural beauty and one judge said she wrote, “Your dreams are well within reach if you want to be a supermodel.”  Because it’s just that easy.  One judge says a few girls got 10s across the board, but she can’t say who.

Crowning!  Juana says she thinks she’s going to be sick.  Like hurl.  Like totally vomit all over the place, like the big, chunky vomit of someone who just ate stew then chundered like down under, praying to the porcelain gods, unload on the commode, go bulimic on our asses, like seriously sick, y’all.  Yeah, it’s a f#cking beauty pageant, not the LSAT.

Crowning will be divisional princesses and a queen, then girls who pull out for ultimate thatswhatshesaid.  In Mak’s group, she’s not called for a princess or a queen, so she pulls out for a higher title…of course, that’s what they thought last time.

Next is the 8 year old division.  Queen is not Kaylie, so she pulls out too!  Lots of pulling out, just like the Catholics.

Next is the 9-10 year old division with Brooke and Hailey.  Both pull for a higher title!  Yay!

Supremes!  Hailey says she wants the playhouse but she’s probably too tall.  First up is Candy Wear Supreme…Kaylie!  Mini-Supreme is…Hailey!  Woo-hoo!  “Isn’t the crown beautiful?” she interviews.  Yes it is.  Can I borrow it next Saturday night?

 CROWN!  Incoming!  9 o’clock!

In your face, bitches!

Beauty Photo Supreme is…Brooke!

 Tonya!  Send me one of those crowns!

Paying off the judges really works!

Beauty Supreme…MaKenzie!  WTF?  Really?  Hmmm.  Well, okay…I didn’t think she was that great, but whatever.

Teeth or no teeth?  Or maybe this is why she can’t use Ni-Ni!

Shemanda says she’s always hopeful Hailey will win.  “You have to win graciously and lose humbly,” she says.  Wow.  Really?  I thought it was best to rub people’s faces in the win and to be a whiny bitch when you lose, and blame it on who knows the judges.  Well you learn something new when a normal person comes on the show!

Hailey takes some kind of wand and touches her mother’s head saying, “Sparkle!” and her mom says, “I’m kind of sparkled out.”  I hear you on that one.

Shaun says being in pageants affects their family life a lot and that it makes them a real family – bring them together as a family.  That is kind of cool.

Mak hugs her entourage and someone hangs on a little too long.  “Seriously, stop hugging me,” she says.  Sounds like me a family get-togethers.  She goes to her mom and whines to Juana to tell the girls to stop following her.  She won’t go in the playhouse because everyone is staring at her through the windows.  Man, this kid is going to be messed up if they don’t watch it.

 Juana says it can get overwhelming.  “We’re not animals in the zoo,” she says.  But if they were, MaKenzie would totally be a red-assed baboon and Juana would be some kind of fish, just swimming along.  I would be a honey badger.

Next week…one mother freaks and says her daughter ruined things on purpose.  “They hate her!  They hate her!” she screams.  Oh, I cannot wait!

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