Toddlers & Tiaras: R.I.P. Ovaries!

Wow, the entire staff of Toddlers & Tiaras should be sainted for this last episode!

I’m so excited and I just can’t hide it.  Yes, I’m about to lose control and I just can’t fight it.

Pageant Director Chasity Saunders tells us that this catastrof#ck is the Mardi Gras pageant held in Darien, Georgia.  She says when she thinks of Mardi Gras she thinks of vibrant colors, flashy/beautiful outfits, and lots and lots of beads.  I think of my friends who went there for spring break and said the sidewalks were covered in vomit and urine.

Or, as it’s known in New Orleans:  Monday.

Awards this time around?  Three Grand Supremes, three Mini Supremes and three Living Doll Supremes.  Everyone else just goes home a winner with a crown, sash and probably some kind of candy.  Oh, and kids who lose also win.

First up, in Lexington, South Carolina (go Gamecocks!), we meet our Satan of the Week™, a three year old terror named Brenna.  She’s screaming for her purple lipstick and pink gloss.  Mom Melissa tells us that her daughter is a “sassy stage sensation.”  No, she’s just a spoiled monster.  After giving her the gloss she demanded, Brenna tells her mother she was supposed to say “excuse me.”  Her punishment?  “Get out of my room!” she screams.  Wow, time out or paddle?  Hard to say.

“The chief of our house is Brenna,” Melissa tells us.  Screw China, this is why Zimbabwe is going to kick our asses.  Who lets a three year old run the house?

Sure you want to brag about that?

Brenna is sitting in a remote control car that we can only hope the mafia has hooked up to a car bomb, realizes the radio isn’t playing and screams “MY RADIO’S DEAD!  I CAN’T FIX IT!” and she thrashes around screaming and crying.  Jesus Christ, someone get me the duct tape before a migraine kicks in.

Bet I could with jumper cables and a wet towel! Oh, were we talking about the radio?

“Brenna is a fireball…you don’t know what she’s going to do or when she’s going to do it.  We just take it and go with the flow because that’s Brenna,” Melissa says.  Yeah, imagine how much flow they’ll be going with pre-teen.  Holy shit.  That’s the next show TLC should start – Toddlers & Tiaras:  When the Dream Comes Shattering Down on You and You are Left with a Monster. TLC, you can have that idea for free!

Dad Don gets the car started and says Brenna is the perfect glitz pageant kid.  That’s not a compliment, Don.  Brenna, not understanding the concept of volume, screams “DADDY TURN THE CAR THE OTHER WAY!” I say let her drive out into the street and let nature take its course, preferably with a Mac truck.

Ah, suburbia.

”She’s very headstrong and likes to have things her way,” Don wimps out.  Yeah, so did I when I was three, but my parents put a screeching halt to that LIKE THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO.  Now instead of screaming, I just manipulate.  God, you know I’d be the person living next door to this kid and she’d screaming her head off while I was trying to enjoy my morning coffee.

In unfortunately named Uvalda, Georgia, we meet eight year old Cealy and immediately notice her hair does not match her eyebrows.  Either lighten the brows or chill on the peroxide.  A lady should try to keep some secrets past high school.

Drapes aren’t matching the carpet, are they?

Mom Stephanie, clearly a refugee from Heavy, tells us her daughter is her grand supreme.  Stephanie says Cealy has more poise and confidence now than she herself ever had as an adult.  Trust me, we can see that no problem.  And what a shame you spend so much time and effort focusing on beauty pageants for your daughter and none of that time taking care of yourself.  Oprah would call this the “Mommy Syndrome.”  I call it f#cking stupid decision-making, but Oprah has more class than I do.  At least on camera.

Lucky for wide-angle lenses.

Grandma Angela says she would have loved doing pageants when she was younger – hey, I get that.  My dress-up closet was filled with tons of dresses, shoes, handbags and old makeup my mother never used because she became a mom and had to wear spit-up encrusted sweats until we left for college.  I loved playing dress up.  Grandma says she’s living a lost dream.  Tell us something we don’t know.

In Douglas, Georgia, we meet our Richie Riches of the episode, locked behind an automatic gate.  Mom Kristin says daughter Alyssa is new to pageants but they are ready to take home their first big crown.  Uh-huh, newbies, huh?  This is gonna be good.

Do the Ewings live here?

Six year old Alyssa tells us she loves pageants because she likes to win MONEY. In fact, she says that over and over and over again…MONEY MONEY MONEY.  When you’re six, you probably shouldn’t be that tunnel-visioned.  It’s both sad and creepy.

Greed is good, right?

Kristin says, “My kids love money.”  Yes, great ideals you are instilling in your kids.  She tells us Alyssa has been in three pageants so far, so you know she’s going to crash and burn at this one.  Sometimes money DOESN’T get you very far, suckas!  “I didn’t realize how big of a ‘sport’ it is,” she says.  Yeah, because it’s not a sport.  Don’t make your accent give your I.Q. away!

Back in South Carolina, Brenna tells her dad he “stinks” for no particular reason.  You know, she’s not a very attractive child – inside or out…I think it’s the hateful faces she makes when she’s cursing out her parents.

Can’t you just see her as trailer trash when she grows up?  She just has that vibe.

Melissa tells us that Brenna has been in over thirty pageants and has the crowns to match.  Clearly they aren’t giving points on personality.  “She’s on the fast-track to become a pageant pro,” Melissa says.  Well, she’s on the fast-track to being a pro, that’s for sure.

Melissa says pageants are their ‘sport’ and they take it very seriously.  Okay, here’s my assessment.  Melissa and Don met via an online dating service somewhat late in life, figured this was the best they could do, and hooked up so they could have a child who will “take care of them in old age.”  They participate in pageants because they don’t have anything else to talk to each other about and they let their kid get away with murder because they are completely relieved a little piece of them will live on.  Beats being old and alone with cats feasting on your corpse.  Or in my case, a team of spaniels.

Melissa is putting Brenna’s flipper in and apparently they call them “monster teeth.”  You don’t know how right you are.  They got the teeth close to Halloween and said they were like monster teeth.  “So whenever we say ‘MONSTER!’ Brenna smiles real big.”  Because she is one.

Back in Vulva, Georgia, Cealy is getting tanned.  In the kitchen.  Stephanie, you probably should set out a larger tarp, clearly your kitchen cabinets are getting hosed.

No wonder she’s huge – look at all the chefs in her kitchen!

Also, where can I get one of those?  Probably cheaper than heading over to the spray-tan place all summer.  But who is going to spray my back?  How about this guy?

Seriously, Ketel One, where are you hiding this bar, goddammit?  It is full of hot guys.

And here it comes.  Stephanie says she’s proud to be a stage mom.  “Do I think what I do is wrong?  Noooo.  Do other people think what I do is wrong?  Probably.  Do I care?  Nooo.”  Do you always have to talk in questions?  Yes.  Do I think what you are doing wrong?  Yes.  Do I wonder where you get your underwear?  Yes.  Is it ginormous?  Yes.

Does your doctor care about your front-butt?  Probably.

“Her goal in life is to be Miss America,” Stephanie tells us.  She thinks to be eight and to hold that as a goal is a “great aspiration.”  Who doesn’t want to be Miss America when they are that age?  But what do you do afterwards if you win?  What if you don’t?

Over in Douglas, Alyssa’s father Drew shows her how to shoot her hot pink gun.  Yes, just what we need, a hormonal NRA member.  He says pageants drive him crazy “if we want to know the truth.”  We don’t.

Alyssa tells us she shot a cute turtle and it was bleeding.  I hope to shit you ate it, otherwise that is just wrong.  I understand hunting (doesn’t mean I like it, but I do eat meat, so riddle me that, Gilligan).  But to shoot something for fun?  Yikes.  Also, was it off the turtle farm a couple of weeks ago?  Because that was income.

Hope that turtle tore your tooth out, you heartless wretch!

Kristin tells us that for some reason both of her children are into making money “anyway they can.”  Join the Catholic church for a quick payoff, then.  Drew stupidly tells us he has no idea how much money his wife spends on pageants and Kristin won’t give up the ghost and tell us because “my husband owns guns!”  Zimbabwe, welcome to America!  We salute you, our new overlords!

Oh, goody, Brenna’s coach Miss Dee Dee calls her “full of personality.”  I think she’s full of putrid evil, but okay.  She’s practicing her “Doggy in the Window” routine, mostly to prepare her for “Doggy-Style in the Video” routine she’ll be doing when she drops out of Upstairs Hollywood College at 18.  She’s going to be doing the skit with their real dog, Sadie, a dog they got at a pageant (and don’t get me started on that shit).

Brenna does the routine with her dad, who won Best Pageant Dad at some competition as well as a “Sexiest Legs” plaque.  He shows us his white calf and damn, he’s whiter than I am and I’m like KKK white but without the racist hatred (I still hate bad drivers, though).

Damn, man, no one needs to see that.

Brenna tells her dad off during practice and mom finds this oh-so-funny.  Yeah, this should be great in a few years, too, when you both just want to pack up and head to Mexico to get away from this little treasure trove of bliss.  “Very disappointed atcha!” she says, smacking her father.  “Bad Daddy!”

Back in Vulva, Cealy asks her grandmother is she wants to have a “sassy contest” and Grandma Angela makes me love her by saying, “It’s on like Donkey Kong!”  Heh.  Hilarious.  She sasses off and sorry, but Grandma wins hands down.  Cealy gets pissy and heads to the hallway to sulk.  Great sportsmanship.

Sass-off or spaz-off?

Oh man, Alyssa is getting her hair done at Willy Wonka’s house of hot pink and green, and Miss Lacey is going to show Kristin how to roll Alyssa’s hair and hairpiece in rollers.

When did I take LSD?

Turns out Kristin missed out on every slumber party, hair salon visit, dress-up time ever in the history of her life.  Seriously, what woman hell doesn’t know how to roll rollers in hair?  Isn’t that ingrained on one of the X chromosomes you have, along with gift wrapping and birthday-cake making?

“Pretend you’re talking to a complete idiot,” Kristin says.

If they are so rich, why not hire someone for hair and makeup?  They should also consider hiring a coach.  Go glitz or go home, morons.

Yay Vulva, Georgia!  Cealy is trying on one of her outfits and it turns out the shirt is a little too small – and not because she’s growing UP.  Stephanie tells us the cost of everything and it racks up to more than $5000, so she calls the pageants a “money hog.”  OW!  Too many jokes are going through my head at once!

Yep, been there…usually after the holidays.

“What makes it worse…spending all the money…is winning,” she says.  Apparently winning is the meth of pageants…one hit and suddenly you’re whoring for more and missing your teeth.  Thank God for flippers.

Cealy tells us she’s going to win because she has a big dress.  Oh, honey, if that were the case, all the girls would be winners.  Which is why they do.

Back in SC, Brenna is shitting her pants about driving her car.  Melissa shows why I will never get married – the fear of becoming an absolute shrew to a nice guy -  by yelling at Don because they are supposed to be packing for the pageant right now!

Hairclub for Skanks won’t win you any pageant points, Brenna.

Melissa starts going batshit about how much stuff has to be done – the clothes, the flipper, the hair, the Ritalin…then she walks out of the dining room and says, “That’s all he’s getting from me, I’m not carrying those totes.”  Then we see her packing totes in the car.  “This is supposed to be men’s work,” she says.  Hi, 1950s, it’s been a long time since we’ve seen you!  And she continues to pack totes.

Fine!  I’ll lift these half-filled totes all by myself with nothing but girl arms!  F#ck you, 2011!

“Working together, we make a good pageant team for Brenna,” she says, as TLC shows footage of her yelling at Don again for having to pack the car.  “How did I get stuck packing the car AGAIN?”  Don says it’s because someone has to watch Brenna, and he’s got a point.  Satan is tireless on her bigwheel.

Pageant day in historic Darien, Georgia.  They’re giving away cash prizes, crowns, and OH GODDAMMIT, they are giving away another puppy!  This has got to stop – how can you qualify who can own a dog?  These people might not want the dog and might be terrible owners.  Screw the kids, save the dogs!

Pageant Director Chasity tells us that competition is tough but half the girls will go away with a crown.  Hey, Chasity, this ain’t our first rodeo, we know how this “competition” works.

Assholes, douchebags or pricks?  A stretch Hummer means all of the above.

Sweet shit on a stick, new money is so aggravating.  Dumbass Kristin and her husband single-handedly put a new hole in the ozone by renting a stretch Hummer to bring “their princess” Alyssa to the pageant today.  Tacky. And why so many people hate Americans.  Please don’t judge us by the losers on reality TV…please!

Oh my God shut the hell up already!  My ovaries died already!

Brenna’s car is being unpacked and she snots off to her dad – although I guess by now we know where she gets it – and she tells her dad he’s ruined…well, something, and it hurts.  I’ll show you hurt – get me Corporal Punishment!

Corporal Punishment is completely warranted here.  About damn time he showed up.

Melissa continues to give us that co-parenting bullshit about how each of them has a job to do.  “He has things he’s supposed to bring in, I have things I bring in…” unfortunately, he forgot to bring in THE DOG.  God, I hope it’s not hot there in GEORGIA, you stupid morons.  Where’s animal control?  Wait – where’s People Control?

Cealy just got her hair and makeup done and she looks really…well, it’s that super-blonde peroxide hair that is kind of giving her a cheap appearance, which is too bad.  She’s not a bad-looking kid, but that hair makes her look like she should be giving blow jobs at the rest stop off the interstate, you know?

OH MY GOD, I’ve heard of love handles but Stephanie is sporting BACK BOOBS.  Wow – I mean…wow.  WTF?  Also, her back bra strap must be above her shoulder blades to accommodate everything.  And you know what is going to happen – she’ll all of a sudden have “bad knees” and say that’s why she can’t work out, which is why she’s so big.  Yeah, those knees are like elevators, they can only hold up to 2000 pounds or 15 people/8 Americans.

BACK BOOBS!  BACK BOOBS!

“Cealy is already testing my nerves, she wants to run and jump and not sit still,” Stephanie says.  Maybe that’s the only exercise she gets!

Alyssa tells us that her mother rolled her hair and it looks like a little kid rolled it.  She says she just learned and she has no idea how the other moms have them “stuck in all the right places.”  Alyssa says when she shakes her head “it does like a nutcracker.”  Too. Many. Jokes.

“I hope Brenna wins today,” Melissa tells us.  I hope she falls off the stage.  You’d have more luck and fun putting the dog in a show than this kid.  Brenna is holding their dog Sadie and drops her onto a metal chair.  Luckily Don is there to save the dog.  If it has any brains, that dog will run like hell the first chance it gets!

She’s kind of hateful looking, n’est pas?

“Hopefully Brenna will charm them with her personality,” Melissa says.  Yeah, only if they are Satan’s minions and find her antics funny.  She says she doesn’t think Brenna would do well without all the tools they could give her – emotionally, financially…but she never mentions any kind of discipline.  That’s where you are going to go so, so wrong.

ACK!  The front of the podium is a Mardi Gras mask and it just scared the hell out of me.  

AAACCCKKK!

Also, they are holding this in a gymnasium…WTF?  How cheap is this pageant that they can’t even afford a conference room at the Historic Darien Ramada Inn?

Way to splurge, guys.

Judge Darrell is the first semi-non-creepy male judge we’ve seen in a while – and he’s been judging for about 20 years.  Almost as long as I have.  He says he’s looking for the “whole package.”  Get in line.

Brenna tries to go onstage when it’s not her turn and she throws a fit because she doesn’t want to wait.  Melissa grabs her and says she doesn’t want her crying – I think on camera.  They run into the ladies’ room and the TLC camera guy follows – Melissa explains it’s not her turn!  God, this kid is a monster.  Can you imagine her in kindergarten?

“As grown-ups, sometimes we have to stop and think like a three year old,” Melissa says.  NO YOU DON’T.  That’s why they call us GROWN UPS.  You need to get that child in line so she becomes a functioning adult at some point.  A little girl gives Brenna a marshmallow and she’s told to say thank you.  “Do you feel better?” Melissa asks.  Because if you do you’ve now learned you can medicate with sweets.

Can I offer you a marshmallowy piece of SHUT THE HELL UP?

Time for Satan to go onstage, yay!  Brenna is up and her dress is adorable.  She sways back and forth and Melissa does her routine with her.

Scratch or pick?  And did the guy to the right bring a gas can with him?  Please throw it on me followed by a lit match.

Judge Darrell cuts to the chase and says she has a lot of energy onstage, “even though she many not specifically be the prettiest girl there.”  HAHA!  She does have a masculine chin thin going on, doesn’t she?  Almost ape-like.  Hooray for kids!

Did she just have a stroke?  Here’s hoping it leaves her mute.

Kristin does some kind of passive-aggressive thing with Alyssa – she says they can go home anytime…because she (Kristin) isn’t having fun if Alyssa isn’t.  “Do you want to go home?” she asks, even before Alyssa has gone up onstage and we haven’t really seen a tantrum.  How odd.

A portend of things to come.

“I’ll give you a hundred dollars if you smile real big,” Dad Drew says.  Everyone laughs.  Think how funny that will be when the high school quarterback offers her money for something!  You said your kids like to make money any way they can.  The upside is she’ll be very popular in high school.  At least with the boys.  To the girls she’ll just be known as the class whore.

Six year old group next…Kristin realizes she’s in over her head when she says some of the girls there compete on a weekly basis.  Of course they do, it’s a sport and you have to stay in top shape!

Alyssa is up and she is very stiff and awkward and Kristin admits that because they are new to pageants she’s intimidated.  You should be, you have no idea the power of the Force, young Skywalker.

What the hell is that, a ballet move?  You are so screwed.

Judge Darrell says it was obvious she was a newcomer because she didn’t have the correct poise the other girls have, but she looked great onstage.  Get thee to a coach immediately and take the stretch Hummer!

“Sugar anyone?” Stephanie says as Cealy begins the Kiddie Krack express of slamming down Pixie Stix…one…two…five…eight…eleven…and…enjoy YOUR back boobs!  Stephanie tells Cealy to calm down and interviews that, “She’s so silly for some reason.”  Uh, the overdose of sugar?  “I hope it doesn’t follow us onstage.”  It will.

Looks like her talent is swallowing, she sure is good at it.  Ahem.

Stephanie interview that she is most nervous about the competition.  As opposed to the situation in the Middle East?  One of Cealy’s best friends is competing against her, which…awwwkward.  Also, she’s stunning and poised so enjoy having your ass kicked, Cealy.

Speaking of which, here comes Cealy…I LOVE the crystals all over her dress, she is very sparkly.  Stephanie admits she’s swaying too much because, “her dad fed her Pixie Stix like they were going out of style.”  Well, you never know when a candy will lose its appeal with the kids.  Cealy says she’s going to win.  Hold that thought.

Outfit of Choice.  My outfit would be “napper” because that is usually my outfit of choice on weekends. Explanation of the category?  “It’s your choice,” Pageant Director Chasity tell us.  Hence the category name, Outfit of CHOICE.

WHY, GOD, WHY?

Judge Diandra likes to see a girl who can “work the stage…and me.”  Well, it looks like you are rocking that wig…to the left.  You may want to lean the other way and see if you can straighten it up.  Don’t you have any friends who tell you about things like that?

Cealy’s friend is up and is kicking ass – somebody practiced!  Stephanie is worried that they may not be the best one up there.  No kidding.  However, Cealy gets up and does a great job, and I’m not ashamed to say I would KILL for that costume!  It’s a whole mess of fun and I love the colors and style and I might be talked into wearing it to work…MIGHT.

This outfit kicks ASS!

Stephanie does do a really sweet thing – when Cealy comes off stage she says she is proud of her and gives her a big kiss.  Jokes aside, she does love her kid and they seem to be having a good time.  Now, back to jokes.  Cealy says she’s going to win a big crown.  Maybe, just not THE big crown.

Brenna is about to do her doggie routine with her dad, which sounds way dirty than it is.  At least for right now.  She bounces up and down in a hot pink cupcake dress that is adorable, holds a stuffed dog, then in horror I see her mother give her the signal to spike the dog into the stage and SHE DOES!  I mean, I know it’s a stuffed animal but it’s just a matter of time before it’s little Sadie, am I right here?  She spiked the f#cking dog!  Also, for a split second, she looked like a blow-up doll.

SPIKING THE DOG!  WHAT THE F#CK?!?!?!

Because she was so good, dad brings her the real dog…please don’t spike, please don’t spike…Judge Diandra has no idea what she’s talking about when she says she loved Brenna and wishes she could put her in her pocket, take her home and put her on a shelf.  If she only knew how quickly her soul would be possessed!  Also, this worries me because maybe she’s giving Brenna lots of points!  NOOOOO!

If you put her in your breast pocket, she will eventually chew her way to your heart – then eat that.  Nice hair, by the way.

Alyssa is ready to go in her Mardi Gras outfit.  She does a great job dancing and bouncing all over the stage and her mother screams louder than a stork in heat.  “Alyssa done awesome,” Kristin says.  Oh, Georgia, will you ever put money into your school system?

Still, cool outfit.  Hope it can take the SATs for her if her mother continues to influence her.

CROWNING!  First up, zero to four overall winner…please don’t be Satan, please don’t be Satan…Photogenic Winner…not Brenna (phew!)!  Outfit of Choice…Brenna!  Son of a bitch! Well, I have to give her credit for the hot pink cupcake dress.  Dad Don says her not winning is, “Unfathomable.”  Sort of like you growing a spine with your wife.

Why she won for Outfit of Choice and not Face of Choice.

Brenna actually pouts onstage – arms crossed an all.  That’s klassy.  Mini-Supreme…not Brenna!  Living Doll Supreme…Brenna!  HOOOOLLLY SHIT!  That is because personality is NOT part of that whole package.  Just wait until the judges see this show, they are going to be so pissed for getting duped.  Melissa is thrilled.

Brenna says she did a great job then starts to whine and says, “I’m a living dooooolllll.”  Only in your mind.  Melissa says Brenna’s continuation in pageants is up to Brenna.  Isn’t everything?  Brenna interviews she’s very tired, stretches, then goes to lie down except she’s on a chair and completely falls off of it onto the floor, which is totally hilarious.  One of the production crew says, “Are you okay sweetheart?” in a voice that says, “I have to ask since we’re on camera, but we are TOTALLY using this in the show.”  Heh.  TLC, j’adore you.

Justice!

Alyssa thinks she’s going to win a big crown and money.  Psych!  Most Beautiful…not Alyssa!  Queen…not Alyssa!  Supreme Queen…Alyssa!  What the HELL?  Really?  And Alyssa immediately interviews that her dad gave her the $100 he promised her.  Just like a good John would.

Wow, kid has gorgeous eyes, I’ll give her that!

Eight year olds…let’s see where Cealy lands.  The emcee tells the girls if their names are called they should not run to the stage.  Way to ruin the win, beyotch.

Stephanie says she’s is definitely on pins and needles, which begs the question, “Why doesn’t she pop like a balloon, then?”

Licking the orange Dorito residue from her fingers for sustenence.

You can tell she’s mostly worried about Cealy’s friend…who wins Photogenic.  Cealy wins overall Outfit of Choice and I have to say, the dress she is wearing is gorgeous!  How do I get one in grown up size?  It’s a beautiful color and design…must have!

What a gorgeous color…do they make that in big girl sizes?  Also, does the girl to the right have hot cocoa for the rest of us?

Mini-Supreme…not Cealy!  Grand Supreme…not Cealy!  Well, she won for Outfit of Choice, and if you remember she was against me in my “napper” ensemble.  I’m willing to concede the win since I am pretty wrinkled in my outfit.  Cealy is happy for her friend for winning Grand Supreme but she’s sad for herself.

It’ll be over soon!

Stephanie focuses on the positive by telling Cealy this is the first time she ever won Outfit of Choice so she should be really happy and proud, which is cool.  Unfortunately, Cealy ain’t buying it.  Instead, she hugs herself and rocks back and forth like a stereotypical mental patient.  Way to think outside the box, Cealy.

All pageant and no crown makes Cealy a dull girl!

Cealy says she thinks the judges made a mistake and that she “can see my sassiness.”  I don’t think that is part of the whole package, honey.  To protest the loss, she rips off her eyelashes.  They’re fake – don’t panic.

Also – how much do I love this?  Reverend Moon is an editor of T&T.  Excellent.

Next week?  Personal relationships get in the way of competition.  Or so the editors have us think.  And I think I see Mackenzie!  Fingers crossed, that trainwreck never gets old.