Toddlers & Tiaras Recap: Even Preparation H Couldn’t Help These Kids

By DearCrabby | Sunday, December 11, 2011 | 2:00 pm | 72 Comments

Tagged: ballet sucks, merry glitzmas, pageants, rattail of pageant power, rupaul, suicidal pageant directors, toddlers & tiaras, white trash

Posted in: Featured, Recaps, Toddlers and Tiaras

Pageant Director Maxine Tinnel is back for our premiere episode of Toddlers & Tiaras and the Southern Celebrity Glitzmas Pageant, being held in New Jersey. I didn’t get that either, but at least Maxine looks less suicidal than previous episodes.

L0oks like her meds have kicked in!

Hey! There’s Berkeley! Did she finally get a full-face wax? It’s a Christmas miracle! Good for you, Tiny Him.

Or maybe the family cat just coughed something up.

First up, in Williamstown, New Jersey, we meet the official trying-not-to-be-white-trash-family-but-oops! Katie is mom to Bob, 6, and Riley, 5, kids who look like extras in David Copperfield. Riley yells that she’s going to win this first glitz pageant. Turns out, these kids are normally in natural pageants, although I find it hard to believe they’d be winning anything there, either. They are cute, just not pageant cute.

4-Bob looks to the heavens for a tailor And Bob is searching the heavens for a good tailor.

Katie tells us Riley has been in 75-100 pageants, but this is their first glitz pageant. She tries to put eyelashes on Riley and Riley interviews that “beauty hurts…which means when mom tries to put something on you, it hurts.” More mother-daughter quality time.

5-Katie needs a bra fitting stat I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention Katie needed a bra fitting immediately.

Bob is a pretty cute kid, save for that stupid-ass rat tail that reaches to his belly. He really just wants to be loved and why? Katie interviews that when she was pregnant and found out she was having a boy, she was very disappointed, “Because I actually had the children so we could do pageants.” That’s right. This woman’s life was so bereft of any value that she thought having kids so she could parade them around like poodles without preparing them for the real world was a good idea. And this is why we have 7 billion people in the world today.

Then she found out boys could do pageants and all was right with the world again. Bob lets Katie put eyelashes on him and Katie admits that Bob went through a phase where he wore dresses and they just “went with it.” I’m going to give them a good-parent pass on that…a lot of boys go through that phase, including my own brother, but that’s because my dress up closet KICKED ASS compared to whatever toys he had at that time. What can I say, the women who donated to my closet had great taste before giving up their will to live and passing their clothes and accessories to me.

In Montebello, New York, we meet our Richie Riches of the episode and the attitude that goes with it. Mom Lauren says she makes sure three-year-old Laila has the best of everything to be prepared for the pageant.

Including special effects – Laila looks almost real!

Laila has won a lot of supreme awards in her short life and they stay on top of “new clothes, new trends and pictures…and we practice.” Yes, they do. Laila throws a little attitude but nothing on a Ni-Ni level, which is sort of too bad for the viewers.

And once again we must endure the beige sweater over white shirt syndrome of the suburbs.

On the other side of the tracks from the Riches, in Chester, Pennsylvania, we meet mom Crystal and nine-year-old Anna-Maria, who calls herself a “drama queen” but is actually a pretty good kid. Mom Crystal gets the stereotypical sassy black woman headbob going when she says that her daughter is a star, “And that’s S-T-A-double-R.” Adding the extra R just makes you look stupid, not more valuable.

Crystal is that never-before-seen combination of black and sassy. How original!

Anna-Maria says she’s won, “Fifty…twenty…ten…I don’t know,” awards while mom drills her on what she won where. She tells us that when she doesn’t win a pageant, she gets mad and realizes, “Oh, wow, this pageant is a lie.” Greeeat sportsmanship…if you don’t win, it’s someone else’s fault. You know she’s getting that idea from Crystal. Enjoy the real world.

Clearly Anna-Maria is also getting the CGI treatment. It’s like Avatar!

Crystal tells us that Anna-Maria is bossy and a drama queen, but I think she’s really talking about herself. And why are those good qualities? When did being a diva become something to aspire to? Crystal says Anna-Maria is the prettiest little girl she’s ever seen. “She’s my star, she’s the icing…” and she breaks down crying, “Oh my God I absolutely love her.” Get. A grip.

Back in Montebello, Lauren pulls out Laila’s Christmaswear which is a Rockettes costume. “I think money plays a role in winning,” she says. Yeah, that works EVERYWHERE, not just pageants. She says they have the best clothes, the best designers, top hair and makeup people. “We don’t scrimp.” If only you used top tutors, too, but whatever. Way to build a future trophy wife.

“I’ve seen people come out in dresses that are just…outdated,” she says. And we will this episode too. “People complain they don’t win, but they can afford to get what they need to get to be fully prepared,” she says. You know, it’s true. Only rich people should be allowed to enjoy things because they can afford to. The rest of us should just shut it and work their parties.

Back in Williamstown, I will give props to Katie and her husband for dousing their front yard in every holiday decoration they can find. Now, as a single career gal, I’m pretty much a white-lights and classic red ribbons and garlands, but I think if you have kids you should totally trash the house up with as many cool lights and decorations as possible – those were my favorite houses growing up and think they are so much fun for the kids. So…nice job.

Kim’s house of Christmas chaos is a big hit with the pre-school and recappers alike!

However, a big whack with a wet noodle on not practicing correctly for this pageant. Riley’s idea of training is swinging back and forth while Katie tells us Riley is “serious” about winning this pageant. The only X they have marked for pageants is the one on the table. Bad news…there will be several Xs, you will have probably 90 seconds onstage, and if you don’t practice what you are supposed to do now, you will be a hot mess when you get there. I’m sort of shocked that Katie either hasn’t watch the show or isn’t familiar with how pageants work (don’t they do this in natural, too?). The routine is pretty specific and I could do it in my sleep just from watching T&T.

Another quality Saturday afternoon.

Riley says when she loses, “My heart is very small and black.” What the hell would possess a five year old to say that? Vacay Bible school? Yikes.

The one kid in the world who does not fear Dementors.

Katie tells us she gets very stressed about every little detail, which is funny because clearly she doesn’t on her own appearance. Her hair is all over the place, and she looks like she hasn’t slept in years. Again, moms, at what point do you give up? You might want to make the day ahead on your calendar so you can stop that from happening.

Katie tells us that her husband is the complete opposite and he goofs around a lot. Dad Robert tells Riley to show him the monster face she’s not allowed to do onstage. Katie freaks while Robert laughs and the more serious she gets, the more Robert and Riley laugh.

Riley practices for a different pageant.

Back in Chester, a town with lots of street banners for Christmas, Crystal tells us that Anna-Maria’s desire to be Miss America is something she instilled in her. Well duh, where else is she going to get that? She admits it’s kind of a brain-washing thing and it’s probably bad to brain-wash your kids, “But maybe one day she WILL be Miss America one day…the next BLACK Miss America.” OMG is she black? Nothing gave that away.

And Anna-Maria is totally pissed about Dateline showing up early. She is sooo not ready for her close-up.

Back in Williamstown, Katie tells us to cut costs, she makes a lot of the “costumes” the kids wear herself. Then why don’t those clothes fit your kids? They are swimming in everything we’ve seen them in so far. Rich Lauren judges you harshly for your budget-conscious ways.

Bob loves the color green so Katie added green rhinestones all over his tux and changed the beads on his tail to match his outfit. They are now red and green and really make that single shock of hair so much more appetizing. “I now have fresh, new pageant power!” Bob says, whipping his tail with his hands like a whip. Please get this kid into T-ball.

Bob better avoid all Delilahs around the neighborhood!

Katie practices with Bob and has him come into the room, step up on the X on the coffee table and turn. She says when he cuts the tail off, she’s going to put it in her jewelry box. Probably right next to the necklace made of the kids’ teeth.

“My tail helps me become the king of pageants,” Bob says, pulling it across his forehead and wiping the rest of his long hair out of his face. They’re going to get him a haircut before the pageant, right?

“Bigger smiles, Bob, fierce! Fierce!” Katie says to him. Fierce? She interviews that a lot of their language comes from drag and she and Robert watch a lot of drag shows. Again, this seems pretty forward-thinking for these people and I like their open-mindedness. It’s sort of surprising. At the same time, that is the completely wrong idea for pageants.

“We take a lot of our inspiration from RuPaul,” Katie says. Wait, WHAT? Are you kidding me? “He’s our favorite Queen.” Suddenly, somewhere in Arizona, J-Mo’s ears just perked up wondering if he could choreograph Riley and Bob. I wish! They’d totally sweep the competition!

Katie and Robert continue to “coach” Riley and it’s just terrible. They tell her to walk onstage like she owns everything. What kind of training is that? Put the damn Xs on the FLOOR! You are sooo not preparing these kids for these pageants, let alone life.

Katie says the drag queens tell them to be fierce and not to worry about what other people think, because what other people think of you is “none of your business.” What about what the pageant judges think? Isn’t that kind of your business? Also, I think what drag queens may have to deal with in life may be a leeeetle different than what pageant kids do.

Back with Crystal, she says, “I like to say Anna-Maria is bi-racial, her father is Italian.” And since he’s white, she IS bi-racial. “Black girls have a little sauciness to them and white girls know how to do the poise, so that gives her a little bit of an edge,” Crystal says. So now sauciness and poise are genetically coded to your skin color? Wow, stem cell research is AMAZING.

Crystal tells Anna-Maria, “This is the first time your dad saw you in one of these outfits, and he saw these thigh-high stockings, and he went craaaaazzzzy.” Turns out, dad was not pleased AT ALL about seeing his daughter totally hooched-up. BECAUSE HE IS A GOOD DAD who knows he needs to keep his girl OFF THE POLE.

And here is just the best story of the whole episode. “My husband does not approve of pageants,” Crystal says.

Or smiling in pictures…

“It put a strain on our relationship.” They separated once because he didn’t like the fact that Crystal chose doing pageants over the two of them doing things and he said he’d leave if things didn’t change. “I was like, ‘Bye,’” Crystal says. So you chose doing pageants with your daughter over your spousal relationship? Holy shit!

That is just too much to take.

“But he can’t live without me, so he came back,” Crystal says, doing the headbob thing. Yeah, he probably saw the alimony estimates and figured it would be cheaper to stick around to make sure his daughter grows up well while he secretly bangs other women to make up for your irritating “sauciness.”

Crystal spray tans Anna-Maria because she says she’ll be the lightest one up there if she doesn’t. Have you seen Laila? Kid is a ghost. The tanning is a hot mess of sponging the streaky brown liquid, always the highlight of any weekend. Crystal says she’s not a crazy pageant mom, she just knows what it takes to get what she wants. I’m sorry, who is the diva in this family?

Back with Richie Rich, Lauren interviews that Laila loves ballet and Laila says, “No I don’t!” and Lauren cracks up. “I don’t like ballet!” she says again, off camera.

Laila practices with teacher, “Debbie, of Debbie’s Dance.” More like Debbie Downer’s Dance. I’m guessing Debbie never made it to professional ballet dancer because of the milkshakes, and believe me, I’m right there with her.

“I think the pageants are great, if the children are really into it,” she says. Does she know something we all seem to know? Laila yawns through her whole practice. Must make Debbie feel great about her life choice.

Looks like me in most of my meetings…and what the hell is up with the doll in the background? Did it commit suicide?

Lauren tells us Laila’s strengths are her ability to know what to do onstage and when to turn it on. “She usually does very well.” That’s because you’re rich, right?

Why is her hair a football helmet? To protect her in a car crash?

Anna-Maria has pageant coach Ryann helping her with her routine. Coach Ryann has been competing in pageants since she was 13 – wow, come late to the party much? – and has been coaching Anna-Maria for 6 months. Anna-Maria says it’s more fun practicing with her coach than with her mom. Your teen years are going to be the same, honey.

Anna-Maria’s talent is hula-hooping and Crystal wants her to stay active. “You gotta stay skinny if you want to stay in pageants.” “I don’t want her to be fat like me,” Crystal says, taking the comment away from the recapper. Also, why don’t you grab a hula-hoop? It’s the new workout craze!

The hula-hoops are actually a time-machine!

White trash alert! Riley introduces her dog Bella who is wearing a diaper. It’s a huge sheepdog wearing a human diaper. “She has to be diapered so she doesn’t make a mess all over the house,” Katie says. You know what else helps that? Training your damn dog! She didn’t mention if the dog had any conditions, so I’m guessing the problem in the house is laziness.

As a dog owner, I’m calling what the shit? on this.

“I will kill myself making sure our house looks like it stepped out of a magazine,” Katie says, as the crack production team shows us shots of a kitchen that looks like it’s out of Hoarders, and Smelly Cat drinking leftover liquid in a cup on the counter. Their house is a mess of clutter, dirty dishes, tchotchkes, and trinkets you buy at the cash register counter at the gas station. House Beautiful, here they come!

Martha Stewart just rolled over in her grave.

Speaking of hot messes, Katie home schools the kids so they can have more time to be with them. Bob can barely say the word “web” and he doesn’t know how to read the word “cake.” He’s 6. Now, I don’t have kids, but I asked around to colleagues who are shackled to children and they kind of thought a 6 year old should know how to read the word cake. How else do you order dessert at a restaurant?

Katie admits that she waited a long time to have kids (career, or did you not find that special someone to settle for? I’m going with the latter) and she doesn’t want to miss a minute of their lives.

Then things take a turn for the even creepier. “I don’t want to go to school because the teacher might be mean. She might throw me in a locker…and put a bat, a rat and a vampire in there…and I’ll be passed out,” Riley says. Now where in the world did she learn that shit, Katie? You know, at some point, she is probably going to have to go to school because Katie doesn’t really give off a strong algebra or Shakespeare vibe to me and probably won’t be able to keep up with the curriculum herself. How is she going to get Riley to go then?

Katie says she’s not worried about the kids being socialized as she explains the quantity 5 to Bob. You might be worried they aren’t going to be productive members of society. Katie says they take the kids to pageants and they have taken them to several drag shows – because that is so appropriate for little kids – and admits to having Riley perform “Pokerface” on the bar at Applebee’s. You hear someone from the production team (with a sense of decorum, I’m guessing) say, “What?!?!” and they rewind the footage so we can hear that horrific sentence again.

“It’s not like people threw dollars at her or anything, you know. She’s not a stripper,” Katie says. Yet.

I’m back here again.

See, here’s the thing about Katie that is so sad. She thinks that is funny and acceptable. I think deep down, she knows that’s not right, but she doesn’t seem to have the cognitive ability to decipher the difference between what she’s doing and what it really means to have class and poise. She sees it all the time, but cannot figure out how to make that leap from what she is to who she deep down wants to be – the house comment was enough to show she just doesn’t get it. The chasm between who she is and who she wants to be requires more than her ability allows. And she just doesn’t get it and never will, and she’ll never know really understand why. It is kind of tragic if you think about it, so let’s not and instead move on to…

Pageant day in East Hanover, New Jersey! There are 40 contestants so at least it will be a quick and lackluster competition. Pageant Director Maxine says they are very excited to see what the difference is between the north and the south. Uh, we don’t fly a flag for a war we lost, our tea is less sweet and we somehow find it acceptable to be buried under freezing cold weather for months out the year. So basically, we’re kind of just as boneheaded everywhere else in this country.

While Riley is getting her hair and makeup done, Katie interviews that she’s not sure if Riley knows the difference between natural and glitz, but she’s wanted to do glitz since she found out it existed. Isn’t that why she decided to be born? To do glitz? “Maybe I can win this first glitz pageant,” Riley says. Let’s hold that thought.

Riley looks cute – the hairpiece is huge and works – but the dress is just off…it’s too big on her and looks a little glitter-glued up. Katie says she hardly believes it’s her daughter (mostly because Katie hasn’t showered in months, let alone dressed in something other than sweats) and that Riley looks different from the kid who “slops around in the mud.” Don’t worry, she’ll still act that way including onstage.

Crystal has some kind of hair growth on her crown as she says she’s going to make Anna-Maria’s eyes pop and hair stay on. At least you have an achievable goal in life.

I’d seriously consider getting that thing looked at by the end of the week.

“I don’t want to compare pageants to a dog show,” she says, about to compare pageants to a dog show, “but mine is prettier than yours.” I hope she’s talking about Anna-Maria.

Laila is pissing and moaning and whining and crying and truly she hates pageants. Lauren just can’t see because she’s surrounded by all that money and it blocks her view.

Losing it…momentarily. Meh, they are all basically good kids this episode.

Pageant emcee Justin is ready to get this party started and only needs a pinky ring to go with his demeanor.

I’m going to start off with a rendition of Mr. Tony Bennett’s “I Left My Heart in San Francisco…”

First up is a girl with ginormo caterpillar eyebrows. Is Ronco out of the ShamBrow™?

You could warm the entire state of New Jersey with a blanket knitted from those things!

Hey! It’s pageant director-now pageant judge Betty Burns, once again wearing age-inappropriate clothing and over-accessorizing. Betty, seriously, reel it in a notch and tune into What Not To Wear, they will help you lose about 20 pounds and look younger merely by dressing appropriately, I promise.

And looking like Queen E doesn’t help.

Crystal says Anna-Maria has the potential to win this pageant (don’t we all, if you think about it?), but her bi-racial doppelganger is also competing and girl, she looks just like Anna-Maria except taller, thinner and more poised. Oh crap! Battle of the bi-racial beauties!

One of these things is just like the other!

Bob and Riley are ready to go as Katie yells at Bob to stop stepping on his feet or they’ll have to “take you to the doctor to get your feet fixed!” Can’t wait until she starts home-teaching health and biology! Robert seems like a really nice guy and interviews that his wife is a nervous wreck.

It’s like one of those Walmart Customer photos.

Little Girl Division is up first, and this includes Laila…and Berkeley! She’s still in that odd fleshy/coppery colored dress and her hairline is still encroaching on her face, but damn, she’ll have that head of hair until she dies. Thanks dad, who went to school where again? God, it’s so hard to remember.

Some other girl has an unfortunate brown and white dress that basically looks like she wiped well before she got onstage. Moms, please, keep it in the girl color family – pink, purple, lavender, hot pink, fuchsia, rose-colored, salmon, more pink, coral, pink and pink.

Laila is up and she does look very pageant-y. She does okay but I don’t think her heart is in it. Lauren is really happy and the judges like her because she’s that blonde/blue-eye whole package they look for.

And I believe she it plugged into the outlet behind the stage.

Next up is the 4 to 5 year old girls and Katie’s brilliant coaching includes, “You have to watch what the other girls do and do that because mommy’s never done this pageant before.” Have you seen this show? Have you checked pageant websites? Did it ever occur to you to PREPARE your kid for this more than just 30 seconds before she walks up there? Dumbass.

Yeah, we’re screwed.

Katie interviews that she’s seen the other girls and “I feel a little bit out of my league.” About 20,000 leagues out of it. She tells Riley to spend a longer time up there and not to charge off. Because if there is one thing 5 year olds understand, it’s time. Riley asks if she can just do what she wants. Enjoy losing.

Riley gets onstage and she sort of stomps from one side of the stage to the other, then she turns, then goes to the next X. Katie interviews that Riley was a little shaky because she wasn’t sure which X to go to. And whose fault is that KATIE? She does okay. One of the judges says she just needs more coaching. FROM A QUALIFIED COACH.

Riley pulls a big oops out of her ass.

First up in the 8-10 years is Myah, Anna-Maria’s twin in the pageant and girl is spot-on. She is very graceful and clearly has been doing this since birth. In other words…

…NAILED IT. Good luck beating THOSE legs.

Anna-Maria, on the other hand, looks great but she has this weird swoosh and eye-blink thing that really is obvious and sort of awkward.

Has she been tested for epilepsy?

Crystal says she stays in the back of the room quietly until the production team shows us the truth – she screams WOOO! WOOO! WOOOOOO! I bet the library hates her, but she’s probably not there that often.

Guess we know where Crystal is keeping the hula-hoops.

Running off the stage, Anna-Marie asks if she deserves a cookie. Jump Fido, jump! Crystal says she picked the dress out and designed it herself (which is it?) but one of the judges says she may get some points off for the dress because her skirt was a miniskirt and not a cupcake style. Oh snap on Crystal! How did that happen?

The offending dress. See you in Hell, Anna-Maria.

Little Boy Division is up first and there aren’t that many boys…I’m guessing Bob is the only one in his age division. His hair is completely unkempt, the rattail is hanging out and his suit is about 10 sizes too big for him. So he’s a shoo-in for King!

Bob the Hobo, party of one.

Bob gets onstage and is completely confused as to where to go and where to look and basically he just doesn’t have a clue. Thanks, MOM. Also, the emcee says Bob’s hobby is decorating. The upside is, his parents will be fine with that which is awesome. If he can overcome the damage done by not being prepared for this pageant.

Bob keeps taking his hat off, looking at the audience, looking at his mother…it’s bad. He is so clearly unprepared for what to do onstage. One of the judges says the rattail probably should have been tucked in, but that it was his individual style so whatever.

Katie is trying to get them ready for Glitzmaswear and she’s glue-gunning Bob while interviewing that glitz is much more stressful than natural. Well duh, what do you do there, just let them free-range in the conference room and let the judges placed the ribbons on them, right?

“Where did my cigarette go?” Katie says, grabbing the ashtray on top of the cabinet in the hotel room. Yeah, I’m pretty sure most hotel rooms are smoke-free now, aren’t they? Also? Disgusting. You don’t want to miss out on a minute of your kids’ lives, but you smoke which is a sure way to do just that.

Budweiser, cigarettes and kids…I think we’ve found Katie’s Christmas card photo!

Glitzmaswear. Lord. Some of these are awful. Laila gets onstage in her Rockettes outfit and she doesn’t remember her routine so she has to follow mom. She actually does pretty well.

Although why Laila’s Christmas outfit has a Menorah on it is beyond me.

“Don’t tell me moves!” Riley tells her mother, ensuring they wasted their money and a day of their smoky-lung filled lives. “You’re not going to screw it up, right?” Katie asks. I think that’s a given, Katie.

Riley gets onstage with her wreath and runs from one side of the stage to the other “like a nut” Katie says. Back and forth and back and forth. Later, Riley interviews that she made up her own routine. Well, what else was she going to do when she didn’t have one in the first place? Riley says the judges were watching her but not smiling. “What kind of lunatic are you?” Katie asks. One that was not prepared, KATIE!

Riley has the participation award IN THE BAG!

And here we go. Myah is up and is doing gymnastics – and doing a great job – and Crystal kvetches that she never believed gymnastics was a modeling technique. That’s because it’s not, dumbass, it’s what Myah is doing to mop the stage floor with your daughter.

Also, Elnett is too expensive for bush, isn’t it?

Crystal tells us that for Glitzmaswear, “Anna’s big brother Jeffrey is going to stand behind a snowman and throw snow.” This is going to go wrong in so many ways. Also, it’s really creepy to see a grown man hiding behind a snowman. Also, big brother? Someone explain.

Anna-Maria gets onstage and does a good job but makes too many phony and odd faces, it’s weird. But when she got to the last X, brother Jeff was supposed to throw the snow. He doesn’t because he’s not paying attention. Crystal yells JEFF! JEFF! And then he whacks Anna-Maria with a handful of snow. Oops.

Crystal is pissed because she thinks the lateness of the snow-throw threw Anna-Maria off. In the hallway, she tells Jeff that he, “Never, ever, ever, ever, ever pays attention.” Then why the hell did you put him in charge of something so important?

Jeff says his cue was when she blows the snowman a kiss. Sounds like he got some very specific instructions. Crystal says, “No…YOU messed up.” Then some dumbass behind Jeff pretends to kick him in the ass. Who the hell was that troll?

Who is this douche? Luckily, we never see him again.

Bob is up next, dressed as an elf and if that picture ever gets out, high school will be hell for him. Of course, he’ll be at home so it will just be Riley making fun of him but still.

And the Island of Misfit Toys may want to check its inventory to see if anything is missing.

Bob gets onstage and basically has the same outfit his sister has on and the same wreath and the same lack of routine. He swings the wreath around while he wears the stupidest smile…seriously, did Katie not know she should have some kind of routine put together? Is she really that stup—- nevermind.

“It wasn’t quite as refined as I would have liked it,” Katie says. Katie, the only thing refined in your life is the sugar in the cupboard.

Bob is done for the day because he is not doing talent. Riley is? Did you see her Glitzmaswear spaz-out or not?

Let me assure you, the talent of these kids is non-existent. Crystal says Anna-Maria is going to pull it out because “she always pulls it out” thatswhatshesaid. Rephrase, please.

Anna-Maria does a great job with the hula-hoops and Crystal screams through the whole thing, then screams, “BOOTY BOUNCE!” and bounce her booty she does. She says the Booty Bounce is something she taught her daughter to do and she likes the name of it. Maybe that could be her stage name when SHE’S dancing at the bar of Applebee’s.

Anna-Maria says, “That was really awkward, because my mom was like…” and she imitates her mother doing the Booty Bounce. However, she was very happy with her talent and says the competition was easy except for Myah…who totally kicks ass with more gymnastics.

And doesn’t have an embarrassing mother.

Riley is getting ready for her talent dance and screams that she needs to wash her hands because they stink. Not sure what that’s all about. Probably from handling all the tobacco.

First up in talent is Laila who looks adorable in her little ballet outfit and with the blond hair and blue eyes she’s a shoo-in for some crown. Lauren interviews that she didn’t know Laila’s routine, “And apparently, neither did Laila, so we made it up.” Oops. Well, it wasn’t as smooth as it could have been and Laila gets off the stage and collapses onto the floor. “I can’t do old things!” she says. Neither can Ashton Kutcher, baa-da-bum!

Angelic Laila, followed closely by…

The devastated Laila. So many moods in so little time.

Riley gets onstage in her awfully large cowgirl outfit and she shakes all over the place. Katie is happy Riley has perked up and that she is doing some of the moves she learned from drag. Yes, it truly is a Christmas miracle.

And now she’s officially stripping. That didn’t take long. Thanks, folks at Applebee’s!

Judge Betty says Riley needs some polish and some coaching. And a mother who has a clue.

Next up is some girl who uses a RuPaul song and Katie is PISSED. She had talked with Robert about using a RuPaul song but he didn’t think it was appropriate, so they used something “not RuPaul” and now she’s going to have to withhold what I can only imagine is quick, sloppy and bumpy sex from him for a month at least.

Katie’s fiercest face is not her best look.

Judge Betty says there is “national material” at this pageant. I think she’s started drinking too early in this pageant.

Crowning! Maxine calls it the most defining moment of the day and says she’s ready to chew off her fake fingernails! No! Let Betty do that for you!

Little Girl Division first…Beauty…not Laila! Celebrity Division Queen…not Laila (and not hairy Berkeley!)! Laila pulls for a higher title. Money is paying off!

Little Boys Section…Katie wants more prizes to “add to our trophy room.” Katie says she doesn’t think Bob will win anything major. Uh, Bob is the only boy in this category judging by the footage we are seeing. I’m guessing he’s going to sweep the lack of competition. Poor Katie, she is just so dumb. The Celebrity Supreme King goes to Bob! Bob says now he is officially the king of pageants. Sure. Let’s go with that.

He’s the ONLY boy up there, so I’m sensing victory was his.

Now it’s Riley’s group up and Katie tells Robert, “You know we’re getting our asses handed to us, right?” Well, given your stupidity coupled with your high interest in pageants, chances are good she’ll get something so they can sucker you into spending even more money on pageants. Let’s see how this plays out.

Most Beautiful…not Riley. Talent…not Riley. Supreme Queen…Riley! See? Riley pronounces herself the queen of glitz pageants because she doesn’t understand that if you win here, you really lose. Katie says she’s shocked they both got titles. She really is the stupidest person at that conference, isn’t she? Ripe for the pageant picking. Enjoy losing whatever savings you do have to future pageants. Why not go ahead and send your money to Lisa Fulgham now?

Katie, I know you are a newbie, so let me walk you through this…you have actually LOST.

Crystal’s group is next. Most Beautiful…Myah. Best Personality (is that code for Fat Ugly Chick Award?)…Anna-Maria. Celebrity Supreme Queen…not Myah or Anna-Maria, but they pulled for higher titles. Yay!

Supreme crowning…Talent Supreme…Anna-Maria! She wins one of the loser titles! She says she deserved a higher title. Crystal was expecting Grand Supreme. Anna-Maria says she doesn’t know why she didn’t win, but sometimes judges are different. So are talent and beauty levels, just FYI.

Why didn’t you just push her down the stairs instead? It would have been less painful.

Grand Supreme 0-6…wait, what the hell happened with editing? Shouldn’t there be just one supreme…oh, forget it, these pageant people are nuts with their rules. So, Grand Supreme for the 0-6 group is…LAILA! Yay for kids with money!

For the record, she still hates ballet.

Ultimate Grand Supreme is of course, Myah with the hyah gymnastics kicks. Hey, she earned it. Crystal is pissed and says Myah won because of the gymnastics but if they had done straight modeling, Anna would have had it. I don’t actually think so. “It just burns me up inside, but I hold my tongue,” Crystal says, completely contradicting herself.

She only holds her tongue AFTER she’s made her point.

Crystal says it’s only the judges’ opinions (doyee) but that in her eyes Anna-Maria is perfect. She tells Anna she loves her and she’s proud of her, which is actually good to see.

Weird, scary horror movie music plays as Katie says it was a very long, stressful day. “It was a lot harder than I thought it was gonna be,” she says. So is life that you are also not preparing your kids for.

Robert says that after today, he’s definitely a “glitz fan,” which surprised me in some ways but hook, line and sinker, huh?

“It’s a little bit more expensive, but if I have to get a second job, I will,” he says. And there it is. They got him right where they want him.

At the end, Riley and Bob say together, “The king and queen wish you a Merry Glitzmas.” Poor kids won’t know what hit them. Good one, Katie and Robert.

And now let’s have some…uh…caaaa….caaaakkkke.

Next week? Something happens that changes one pageant girl’s life forever! They actually realize they have talent? Stay tuned. Until then, read previous T&T recaps or to get the funniest quotes from TVgasm recaps as they’re posted, follow us on Twitter or like our Facebook page. See you next week!

Comments (72)
More About Author

About DearCrabby

A Food Network host wannabe and travel fanatic (only three more continents to go!) , Dear Crabby lived in Chicago for over 10 years before returning to her native Ohio. She loves black martinis, blue cheese burgers, and The Daily Show. A two-time Chicago marathon finisher, she heartily dislikes Smokey Smokersons, slow drivers in the passing lane, and noisy children, especially when they ruin a fine dining experience or a trip to Target. A nouveau spinster, Dear Crabby spends her free time with her Cocker Spaniels and often goes by the pseudonym “Mrs. Clooney.”

72 Comments

1

ash1

Posted December 11, 2011 at 2:41 pm

T&T back for another season…meh
T&T DearCrabby recaps back for another season…WOO HOO!
2

cattyfan

Posted December 11, 2011 at 4:54 pm

The photos of Laila on page one made me sick. In another ten years she can be married to a pervy 50-something c-level actor…showing her “assets” to keep a tenuous hold on “fame.” And then she’ll die an Anna Nicole death.

Or she’ll toil in obscurity on a brass pole.
3

ellemck1

Posted December 11, 2011 at 8:00 pm

Katie also needs a dye job. Stat.
4

kthxbai

Posted December 11, 2011 at 8:35 pm

@Dearcrabby I agree with you that anybody that’s got little kids should trash their house up at Christmas.

No matter what if any religion you are because associating colory flashing decorations with religion is totally a grownup idea. You can put some big flashy Eid and Divali stuff and a mess of Hanukkah stars in there with the reindeer and light up snowmen if you want to test that.

If they’re super precocious just tell them helping each other celebrate is what good neighbors do.

I guess it makes sense that the mom of the little Charles Dickens orphans is the best of moms and the worst of moms.

The weirdest to me is that she had the kids to put them in pageants but it also seems like she doesn’t quite get what pageants are exactly.

It’s great that her kids won’t grow up bigoted and will appreciate Drag Queenage as an art, but it’d be even better if they also learned to read.

Ru Paul is actually a great role model for learning about stuff like poise and showmanship but it seems like the only thing Katie’s taking away from it all is putting a ruffly diaper on her sheepdog, random rhinestones on everything else, and that stages have an X someplace.

Plus she could be a better role model for fierceness fundamentals like brushing your hair and putting some HD powder on when a camera crew shows up.

I wonder if she makes all their costumes too big thinking they can wear them over again and hand Bob’s down to Riley for Little Drag Princewear in a yr or 2?

Crystal made me wish I had more palms to put my face in. Anna Maria’s dad needs to get his daughter and move to Vanuatu or somewhere.

I just don’t get the spray tan craze even with white people. I call it spray tangerine because that’s what it looks like. Personally I think pale skin’s pretty. But lately even people that aren’t pale or even white have started doing it.

Last week on Braxton Family Values Toni was talking about getting her spray tan as casual as if she’d said she was going to get a mani pedi.

The craziest was on I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here UK that just ended where Sinitta was complaining about her spray tan coming off and Willie Carson asked her how could she tell. I was wondering that too. (in case you don’t know her she’s from Sierra Leone and is drop dead gorgeous with this perfect skin that’s almost exactly the color of a Lindt 85% bar)

(You’ll have to excuse me for going off on a tangent. I’m getting lots better but today I had to take a pain pill and this is what happens).

I had to take a ROFL pause break for “did you not find that special someone to settle for?”

I agree with you that Katie’s got some cognitive ability problems, mostly not having any, but to be fair like @Connie said in the minicap, Applebee’s is just a restaurant that has drinks and specially in little towns it’s liable to be 1 of the few places people can go out to eat so while it’s mos def weird to have a little kid get up and dance on a table anywhere, with Applebee’s it’s more like they’re doing it at the IHOP than at the Saddle Ranch.

In a way this episode was unfair because Laila’s story ended up being just a boring stereotype about yet another kid that hates pageants with a trashy mom that makes her do them and brags about how rich she is.

Your description of the pageant made me laugh so much I had to take another pain pill.

Which made me type even more than I usually do so it’s good we’ve all got a scroll button.
5

Pikey

Posted December 12, 2011 at 12:22 am

Laila is THREE? You have got to be kidding me! A dog with a diaper? OMG, I am speechless… I love these recaps – they are so good that I don’t have to actually watch this horror show! Thanks, Crabby.
6

PageantRefugee

Posted December 12, 2011 at 6:35 am

Ok…here goes.
I’ve been honest about the fact that I know quite a few of the families who appear on T&T. I just have to stand up for Lauren a little…
Everyone knows this show is “Cast”. The newbies, the clueless, the “rich”, the brats…etc. They just happened to be cast as “the rich” and that is all the show focused on. Trust me, I’ve heard some doozies about the editing.
Lauren’s daughters DO win like crazy all over the country and they are drop dead gorgeous. The show only showed her for a second, but the younger daughter is absolutely stunning. Despite the editing, the girls are really bubbly and obviously really, really enjoy pageants. When this was filmed (a year ago) Laila was THREE. No three year old is “on” all the time.
Also, everything she said about money making the hobby easier was absolute truth. She wasn’t being a snob, she was being honest. There aren’t many well known pageant families who do this without dipping into the college fund or running up credit debt, but this family is one of them. She is the type to lend clothes or help a stranger and she is really sweet. I just don’t like seeing her protrayed in an ill manner.

And before someone goes on about it, I thought the TMZ “Party video was absolutely hilarious!!
7

Alice

Posted December 12, 2011 at 8:17 am

I actually had a dream last week that the T&T recap was being written by someone else this season. I was devastated. This should either be taken as a supreme-with-extra-cheese compliment to DearCrabby OR a sign that my life has reached a new level of pathetic.

The shot of Katie and kids in the hotel room was awesome…I am so glad you showed a picture of the dresser with all the crap on top, because the film crew just gave us a glimpse. I actually enlarged it, because I am home playing sick today and needed to do something worthwhile. Dresser top: the beer bottle, a 2 liter pepsi, 3 empty coffee creamer containers, some sort of box OR a book (most likely War and Peace), a coffee cup, what may be a tv remote, either a pink foam curler or pink sunglasses, assorted papers, and of course the ashtray. I weep for the maid.

Also, it seems like the smoke would be wafting off those kids as they ran/spazzed around on the stage, except I guess that wouldn’t bother Betty, who sounds like she smokes an entire pack of Marlboro as she eats her morning bowl of gravel.

I hated the swishing and eye-batting thing Anna-Maria did on stage. What was that?

And the token rich mom and kid? Meh.
8

Tapnfeet99

Posted December 12, 2011 at 10:14 am

Omg the doll committing suicide was CLASSIC!
9

kczar

Posted December 12, 2011 at 10:44 am

“Please get this kid into T-ball.” I’m only on page 3, but this line completely cracked me up!
10

Madayi

Posted December 12, 2011 at 5:50 pm

Re: dog in diaper… When an unspayed female dog goes into heat there can be blood and mess. Some owners put a diaper on the dog to keep carpets and furniture from getting stained if they don’t want to keep her confined somewhere for the duration of the heat cycle.
11

cattyfan

Posted December 12, 2011 at 6:49 pm

Maybe they shoud try…oh, I don’t know…getting the dog spayed?
12

PugLuvr32

Posted December 12, 2011 at 7:22 pm

I really do have to agree that Lauren is a really good mom, she’s a nice woman as well, especially after having gone through tragically losing a son. If anyone else noticed a picture of a little boy on her necklace, that was a picture of her son Sammy, who died after falling between the rails on a hotel room patio three stories up. They have an organization called Sammy’s Spirit, if you want to check it out. She has three younger daughters that do pageants and they are GORGEOUS! So just because they have money, the Shpigler family is not a snobby family, they are all about charity and helping people out, especially after having to go through a horrible death.
13

washcloth

Posted December 12, 2011 at 8:05 pm

@DearCrabby Are you bald?
14

georgiababe

Posted December 13, 2011 at 12:33 am

@Cattyfan – Some people don’t want their dogs spayed. Not saying these people do this, but a friend of mine’s dog is in diapers when she’s in heat because they breed and sell dogs, that’s their family business. These people don’t really strike me as the type who’d do that, but just saying, it could be true.
15

J-Mo

Posted December 13, 2011 at 1:25 am

Wait a minute… *perks up*… Did I hear someone needs choreography for a drag queen??!? Oh, it’s just those home-schooled kids… well, I’d do my best with Bob and Riley, but Scary Mountain Mama would have to stay away. LOVED the recap, Crabby, so glad to have you back!

love, J-Mo
16

Brittney Canter

Posted December 13, 2011 at 6:18 am

First of all, let me just say that pageantry has been in my family for over 10 years. I and my sister have competed, and still compete. If you are a critic who has never been to a pageant, or competed, let me just say one thing SHUT THE F&*K UP! Just because you watch it on tv does not mean you know everything there is to it. My dd has competed with every girl mentioned in this article, and let me just say, every one of those young ladies, are not only top competitors, but are also, Magnifiscent, sweet, kind children. Who are you to say anything different based on what you see on tv.. Not only that but these critics are ADULTS! Wow, you should be ashamed, and they say putting your child in a pageant is worse?! It would be different if these critics were jealous children, but they are real live ADULTS! wow. Imagine if someone was critiquing your parenting, and your child. And Cattyfan or whatever your cute little cat screen name is for you to say “Poor Laila, will grow up marrying a pervy old man,” YOU ARE LUCKY YOU AERNT SAYING THAT ABOUT MY CHILD. you should be sooo disgusted in yourself. What mature adult would say something so sick about a innocent sweet child?! Rot in hell for that comment. What happened to the old saying “dont judge a book by its cover” maybe all the hateful, jealous adults who wish they could be as brave, beautiful and confident as child near 3 times younger than them are, should remind themselves of that, before opening up their big traps and spitting out such violent, and offense gestures. Until you have tried it, or even experienced a dose of what pageant mothers actually go through to make sure there dd is top notch, or how hard kids practice, getting every step of their routines exact, please please or the sake of children in society, who could be reading your ignorant thoughts, please once again SHUT THE F*&K UP!
17

Jami

Posted December 13, 2011 at 10:11 am

Brittney Canter-
Your child will probably marry a pervy old man too! Or be a stripper!
That would make you soooo proud of her because you are part of an insecure group of parents who parade your kids around for other adults to judge so that you can validate your existance. Go away from here! WE WILL JUDGE YOUR CHILDREN AND PUT OUR OPINIONS MORE BLUNT!
You just keep being the good mommy who trains your child to do dog shows, I MEAN BEAUTY PAGEANTS!
18

cattyfan

Posted December 13, 2011 at 10:31 am

Brittney…I was referring to Courtney Stodden, the 16 year old whose mother let her marry c-level actor (and 51 year old man) Dave Hutchison. It’s that kind of desperation for attention and fame that drives most of these pageant moms (which is why they push their children, who are not old enough to make their own decisions,) and why they agree to parade those same children on national TV.

Additionally, the posed photos of the little girl to which I referred are INAPPROPRIATE for a child. Ditto for the caked on make-up applied to make the young child look like an adult. It’s a pedophile’s candy store. And I won’t back down from these statements. I speak as someone who wants to see children protected, not exploited for the parent’s vicarious “fame.”

If you put your child and yourself in the public eye, you shouldn’t be surprised that people then discuss you, the child, and the situation. My judgements are more about the harm the parents are doing rather than what the child, who at this point is too young to know better, is doing and/or imitating.

Incidentally, I did a few pageants as a teen, by my own decision, and I found them nauseating…in spite of the fact that I came home with plenty of trophies (in an era before everyone became a “winner.”)
19

S-Natch

Posted December 13, 2011 at 10:40 am

@Brittney – One of the things I find most fascinating (or should I say “magnificent” since I know how to spell it) about the T&T recap comments is how some pageant people must troll every website on the Web to find mention of their precious little hobby because it is the only time they pull their heads out of their asses long enough to attempt to string three words together. Thanks for proving my point.

@Pug and Pageant – Thanks for the insight into Laila’s parents. I cannot imaging anything more tragic, and it is really nice that they are thinking of others when they have the right to be completely consumed with their own healing. I agree that the amount of money you have has nothing to do with the amount of class or compassion you demonstrate. Editing can be a bitch.
20

cattyfan

Posted December 13, 2011 at 10:47 am

A quick trip around the Interwebs gave me a little insight into Brittney’s defensive posture:

“I have been in the modeling industry since I was 14. Starting with beauty pageants. I am experienced. looking to broden my modeling ability and have more variety added to my portfolio. I want to step out of my comfort zone, and would be interested in doing a shoot that is a little more edgy. ”

Perhaps she should “broden” her spelling ability. That aside, she went from child pageants, to “modeling,” which, according to her “resume,” apparently includes “pinup” photos.

No wonder she’s sensitive about brass pole comments. She, herself, is currently only one step away from one.
21

captain save-uh-hoe

Posted December 13, 2011 at 10:58 am

How does one spit out violent and offensive gestures? I’m intrigued!
22

cattyfan

Posted December 13, 2011 at 11:02 am

Math is taking a beating along side English and grammar.

“wish they could be as brave, beautiful and confident as child near 3 times younger than them are.”

3 times younger? If the girl in the photo is 3 or 4, then I should be in elementary school.
23

plockeness monster

Posted December 13, 2011 at 11:14 am

Ohhhh Catty – YOU ROT IN HELL!!!!!!!!!!

Don’t these crazies know they are making themselves look….crazy?!?!

Gah, I love the T & T comments section.
24

cattyfan

Posted December 13, 2011 at 11:19 am

If comments were all it took to send us to Hades, we would need a fleet of buses. And more drivers than just Flipit.
25

Alice

Posted December 13, 2011 at 11:20 am

I’m so glad I was too sick to go to work today…this is awesome. I also want to know how I could spit out violent and offensive gestures. Actually, I think I can explain Brittney’s post. I believe she wrote it in another language and then used Babelfish to translate it into English.

To test my theory, I copied her eloquent message, put it into Babelfish translator and changed it from English to German. I then changed it from German back to English and this is what I got:
“First you let me say straight that Pageantry was in my family for over 10 years. I and my sister competed and to compete still. If you are a critic, who never was to a procession or competed, let me a straight thing say LATCHES the F& *K ABOVE! Straight because you watch out, do not mean it on television set not, you know that everything is there to it. My DD competed with each girl, who is mentioned in this article, and lets you me straight say, everyone of those young ladies, is not only point competitors, but is also, Magnifiscent, drop, friendly children. Who you are, to everything to say different is based up, what it on television set. see. However these critics are not only ADULTS! Wow should be ashamed you, and say them that your child beginning into a procession? is worse! It would be different, if these critics were jealous children, but they real phase adults are! wow. Imagine, if someone it parenting critiquing, and your child. And Cattyfan or whatever your nice small cat screen name is, so that you say „poor Laila, above grows, marrying one pervy old man, “IS IT AERNT SPEAKING HAPPY, the OVER MY CHILD. They should be sooo, which in is angewidert. Which due adult somewhat would say, that about an innocent sweet child? is so ill! Rot in hell for this note. Which possibly happened old speaking „do not judge a book by its cover “that whole hated, are jealous adults, who wish that they should remember as courageously, as child close 3mal younger, than they could be convinced beautifully and, before they open their large traps out and spit such violent, and action gestikuliert. Until you tried it or even it experiences a dose of which procession mothers really go through to guarantee, LOCK that it DD point notch give, or like hard children, received please demand you practice each step of their programs, please or the reason of the children in the society, which could read your ignorant thoughts, ask again the F*& K ABOVE!”

See? Makes sense to me!
26

cattyfan

Posted December 13, 2011 at 11:28 am

Alice…LOL!!!!!

Let me take my prescription for the blasted, unrelenting headache I have and read your post again.

I nominate it for POST OF THE YEAR!

Signed,

My nice small cat screen name
27

captain save-uh-hoe

Posted December 13, 2011 at 11:30 am

Catty… your cat screen picture thingy majigaroo bable blah blah a wackadoodle is quite cute.
Alice, did I capture the Babelfish? I’m a new learner!
28

classy drunk

Posted December 13, 2011 at 11:36 am

While I can’t bring myself to watch this show, I love the recaps and comments. The people that come on here must have some sort of talent because no regular commentor on here is even close to some of the crazies that post on the T&T recaps.
29

plockeness monster

Posted December 13, 2011 at 11:37 am

Can “LATCHES the fuck above!” be the new ‘Gasm slogan?!
30

sheesh

Posted December 13, 2011 at 11:40 am

Oh man this thread just makes me spit the most violent and obscene gesture all over my keyboard!
31

S-Natch

Posted December 13, 2011 at 11:47 am

PS- I resent being called “a real live adult.” I am no such thing and never have been! I live in a world of pink unicorns where infinitives are never split, people can correctly spell words containing more than three letters, and random capitalizations never occur.

Also, if “innocent children” are anywhere near reading TVgasm, their parents have more issues than just beauty pageants.

Idiot.
32

Moli

Posted December 13, 2011 at 11:50 am

People like Brittany is the reason I started watching the show!!!!! *on hands knees* Dear Reality TV god….please let Brittany tell all her friends about this site so we can have a 100plus comment war. PS please send a coupon for a Shamwow to Berkeley’s parents… Ramen
33

Clair

Posted December 13, 2011 at 11:50 am

I’m with you classy drunk. I don’t watch the show either, but I love the recaps and the comments. As soon as I saw the post from B Canter, I knew I was in for a treat.
34

PageantRefugee

Posted December 13, 2011 at 11:51 am

OMG!! Stop it!! You’re killing me! Catty, Captain, Plock, S-N…my sides hurt from laughing so hard!! I’m going to make one of you come and clean the Pepsi off my computer screen!!!
35

Angela

Posted December 13, 2011 at 11:53 am

Did Brittney get home schooled by Katie too? Wow, that was some take on the English language.
36

Alice

Posted December 13, 2011 at 12:11 pm

I can’t believe I’m getting so much entertainment from a sick day! Thank you all for making me laugh way too hard…except now I need catty to pass the good meds my way.

Captain, that’s a good first attempt, but you need to go to Engrish.com for inspiration.

Please, God, after you send the Shambrow to Berkeley’s parents, send more pageant nuts our way. Then they could be convinced beautifully and, before they open their large traps out and spit such violent, and action gestikuliert.
37

cattyfan

Posted December 13, 2011 at 12:34 pm

I will totally be using ‘My nice small cat screen name’ as my official sign off for quite some time. Or at least as long as I remember. Whichever.
38

Isabelle

Posted December 13, 2011 at 1:26 pm

For some reason, Brittney Canter’s post makes me think of Chris Crocker’s “Leave Britney Alone” video. Please, do the girls you’re talking about a favor: stop defending them. It’s more embarrassing than anything!

DC: looooved the recap!

p.s. Please excuse any mistake in this post. My first language is french and although my english isn’t bad, it’s still not perfect
39

Moli

Posted December 13, 2011 at 2:19 pm

Thanks Alice shamwow is for cleaning messes oooooooh wait. . . .
40

ash1

Posted December 13, 2011 at 3:12 pm

Brittney – OMG hilarious – I LOVE how you say “top competitors” Like they actually DO anything that takes any kind of talent at all – Oh, I needed that laugh…wait, I smell something…must be magnifi-scent!
41

happymom

Posted December 14, 2011 at 3:48 am

I too realized that the dog was probably in heat, but couldn’t figure out why they didn’t just lock the dog up in the basement or a bedroom while the film crew was there. It seems like common sense! Just sayin’
42

Madayi

Posted December 14, 2011 at 4:10 am

The TLC crew member who did NOT get a shot of the “dog in diapers” would probably find himself on the fast track to the unemployment line.
43

Stranger Danger

Posted December 14, 2011 at 8:58 am

PageantRefugee doesn’t even realize we are laughing at her too. Her comments are about as valid as hoping ZsaZSa recovers to compete on “Dancing with the Stars”.
44

PageantRefugee

Posted December 14, 2011 at 12:28 pm

Huh? Ummm…I’ve never given anyone a reason to “laugh at me”. I’m not one of the FameMommies who parade their kids on this show. I’m only available for insight and excuse me but regulars here have been polite and appreciative of that, never rude. Funny, I’ve never seen your post name before but mine has been around for a long time…
45

Moli

Posted December 14, 2011 at 12:36 pm

PageantRefugee, you have become a staple to the Gasmi T&T family. Stranger Danger doesn’t know how AWESOME you have been! Can’t remember is this your 2nd or 3rd ‘season’(since its more of a break than real season) with us. FYI, Stranger Danger you should read the old recaps so you know who is ‘with’us. I for one thank you for your service PageantRefugee And Bob knows DearCrabby loves you!
46

Moli

Posted December 14, 2011 at 12:39 pm

Thinking a little more on it…don’t people actually REQUEST your insight when a new show comes out? PMSing and people are going after my peoples
47

notwithoutmytv

Posted December 14, 2011 at 1:17 pm

@PugLuvr32: “If anyone else noticed a picture of a little boy on her necklace, that was a picture of her son Sammy, who died after falling between the rails on a hotel room patio three stories up.”

C’mon, don’t leave us hanging! Give us the punchline!”
48

notwithoutmytv

Posted December 14, 2011 at 1:19 pm

All these God-fearin’, pageant-luvin’ moms sure fond of the F word.
49

Stranger Danger

Posted December 14, 2011 at 1:36 pm

PageantRefugee – your defense of Lauren and her behavior is all I need to know about you. I have followed your posts for the past seasons and surprisingly, quite easily, have figured out who you are. I can even see where you repost same statements on the pink board.
50

Mimo

Posted December 14, 2011 at 1:46 pm

I think we might be being a little harsh regarding Brittney. After all, she spelled critiquing correctly and her word usage was spot on.

However, I still have a few questions:

What the hell does DD stand for?
My girlfriend spells her name Britney. Which is correct?
What is a pink board?
51

Clair

Posted December 14, 2011 at 1:52 pm

I thought DD was for “darling daughter”, like DH is for “darling (sometimes ‘darn’) husband”.

My neighbor spells her daughter’s name Brittany and emphasizes the ‘tt’ when pronouncing it.

I googled Pink Board. It could be a home colon cleansing product, extramarital affair discussion OR a Ouija board. Hmmm….
52

PageantRefugee

Posted December 14, 2011 at 1:54 pm

Sorry, I don’t post on that board. You must have me confused with someone else. I have read that board though, and from what I see she has many supporters, though I don’t know any of them personally.
53

Stranger Danger

Posted December 14, 2011 at 2:06 pm

pink board – http://www.voy.com/199034/
Meet pageantrefugee in her finest. And yes, I do know who you are. You would be very surprised who talks.
54

Fan-Ann

Posted December 14, 2011 at 2:20 pm

@Brittney, let me guess, have you tried all the different clever ways to spell your name? I’ll bet you have. Let’s see…Brittanie, Britnney, Britnee, Britnni. The use of “i” on the end is only for the most sophisticated, so I’m glad you didn’t settle on that.
@Alice, a work of genius.
@Pageant Refugee, I hope you know how much we enjoy your comments. You have added a huge amount to the fun here with your informed opinions. Moli is right, we have often requested your insight, and the stranger does not understand how we value your contributions. Please keep ‘em coming.
55

PageantRefugee

Posted December 14, 2011 at 2:29 pm

@Moli and Fan-Ann…I guess I’m being “called out” for *GASP* saying something pleasant upthread about someone who has only ever been nice to me and my child. Apparently I am evil and must be destroyed.
56

Stranger Danger

Posted December 14, 2011 at 2:34 pm

See you at the next one PageantRefugee. Pageant Hugs!
57

Moli

Posted December 14, 2011 at 2:44 pm

PG are you fat smart lady? Or that person no name? Seriously can someone tell them its time to bring that pink horror into the the modern era. Looked like geocites over there couldnt stay with the visual pink assault
58

PageantRefugee

Posted December 14, 2011 at 2:59 pm

DAMMIT Moli!!!! You blew my cover!!! Ugh…Well yes. I’m fat and smart and my initials are .NT
(LMAO!)
59

Fan-Ann

Posted December 14, 2011 at 3:09 pm

“Pageant Hugs”?? We don’t need no stinking pageant hugs!
60

Moli

Posted December 14, 2011 at 3:09 pm

Sorry PG smart fat successful and blessed. Welp now we know your initials I see you all over that site. ROTFLMAO
61

Moli

Posted December 14, 2011 at 3:10 pm

Wuv you Fan-Ann
62

PageantRefugee

Posted December 14, 2011 at 3:14 pm

(Ok, please indulge me in a gaggy cream cheese moment)….That previous comment was obviously a joke. I think there are many, many “fuller figured” women in the world who are stunning. I felt the need to say that. And yes, I am blessed. And smart. And loving…and hopefully occasionally funny and snarky. (And HUMBLE! lol!!!) But I am never cruel. (gaggy moment over)
63

Moli

Posted December 14, 2011 at 3:51 pm

PG there is nothing average or small about me I like the term fluffy. Lane Bryant sales people know me by first name
64

Robinez

Posted December 14, 2011 at 3:52 pm

You just didn’t want us to think you were really fat. I get it! LOL
65

Alice

Posted December 14, 2011 at 10:30 pm

Wow. Stranger Danger? I went to the Pink Board, which seems to be a churning, hair-pulling mob of folks who are probably angry that Jerry Springer is no longer on the air. Or wait, maybe it is. I don’t even want to know.

Anyway, that site is completely depressing…one of those things that makes me weep for humanity. When I read the remarks you posted here I got a definite vermin vibe. What I enjoy about this board is the high level of wit, which calls for intellect, and I’m guessing you would be more comfortable scurrying along the walls of the Pink Board.
66

dearcrabby

Posted December 15, 2011 at 5:03 am

Pageant Refugee – you are always welcome here and we enjoy your comments and insight (and scoop!). I’m still trying to find out whatever happened with Lisa Fulgham – come on, someone must know! Unless she’s grifting in another industry now…now let’s all go out for tequila and make fun of the real jokes – most of the crazy moms on this show! Last night’s was a doozy – just about to write the minicap now!
67

Darkebe

Posted December 15, 2011 at 4:50 pm

my 15 year old daughter loved that comment When I lose “my heart is very small and black” It’s her new Facebook status. Something kind of poetic about it….
68

Fatgirlsrule

Posted December 17, 2011 at 5:11 pm

very disturbing episode
69

CaroSombrero

Posted December 17, 2011 at 11:41 pm

DearCrabby,
I adore your recaps, I’ve watched the show for years with my fierce & fabulous little brother, and I’ve commented on several posts under countless names. Today I finally decided to create a real live Gasmii account

Anyways, this episode was fantastic. With all the RuPaul she watches, one would think she’d be a bit more fabulous. And the “stepped out of a magazine” BS made me crack up… holy shit.

@S-Natch-
There is absolutely nothing wrong with splitting an infinitive! I’m a grammar enthusiast, but this is one thing I think is okay. In all Latin verbs, like “carpe,” for example, include the infinitive (unlike the English form, “to seize”). Therefore, it is physically impossible to split the infinitive. This is why many people disagree with splitting infinitives in English, but in English, it is easy to split the infinitive, so why not? Think about “To boldly go where no man has gone before.” “To go boldly” is far less appealing. Many English professors are fine with and even endorse this practice. Grammar rant status: complete.
70

Snootchy Bootches

Posted December 18, 2011 at 4:11 am

Regarding the lack of fabulousness in the mom who watches RuPaul – As someone involved in costuming, I see lots of people who are inspired and knowledgable, but they can’t seem to translate it into their garments. Whether they choose fabrics that are just wrong or can’t get the fit right or don’t use the appropriate undergarments or whatever, their clothes always look farby no matter how hard they try.

And a little bit of a confession here… I am thinking of starting to sew some of these pageant dresses. I just think they are so pretty and would like to try my hand at it. From what I have seen today on the Pink board, a lot of the moms seem like total cunts so not sure I would stay with it. But I do loooooove me some sparkle! I might put a couple up on ebay once I am back in the states.
71

Snootchy Bootches

Posted December 18, 2011 at 4:13 am

Oh one other thing… Am I the only one who thought that the boy should have been dressed like a hobbit? Didn’t his sweet face look like he stepped right out of LotR?
72

RandomGirl

Posted January 1, 2012 at 7:47 pm

Exclusive photos of Betty Burns and Kim(aka “ET”, the pageant coach seen on T&T Season 2 Episode 8 “Outlaw Pageant”) dancing on a bar counter:
http://i1118.photobucket.com/albums/k604/gotcha666/betty2.jpg
http://i1118.photobucket.com/albums/k604/gotcha666/betty4.jpg
http://i1118.photobucket.com/albums/k604/gotcha666/kim3.jpg
http://i1118.photobucket.com/albums/k604/gotcha666/kim4.jpg
http://i1118.photobucket.com/albums/k604/gotcha666/kim5.jpg
http://i1118.photobucket.com/albums/k604/gotcha666/kim6.jpg

Oh the horror! My eyes! My eyes!

Toddlers & Tiaras Recap: Even Preparation H Couldn’t Help These Kids

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Toddlers & Tiaras Recap: Even Preparation H Couldn’t Help These Kids

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