Toddlers & Tiaras Recap: Island of Misfit Toys and Chooky Moves

Taking the pageant down from the inside out.

The Island of Dreams Pageant in Michigan is this week’s Toddlers & Tiaras trainwreck and it’s the adults who really frost the flakes.  Pageant Director Dana is new for us and she says they change the ballroom of the pageant into a “tropical oasis.”

Chirp chirp.

Dana continues telling us they are going for full glitz/full package contestants, and their signature category is the “islandwear” competition.  She wants to see how these girls “push the envelope.”  Dana, these kids aren’t challenging the status quo, they are wearing grass skirts and coconut boobies.  Let’s all chill.

Dana shows why Midwesterners get such a bad and old-fashioned rap.  Thanks, Carolyn Ingalls.

In Bettendorf, Iowa, we meet the crazy, ill-mannered bitch of the show, Kelly and her spoiled daughter Natalie, 23 months.  In Natalie’s defense – and you know I don’t like defending kids – Natalie hates EVERYTHING about pageants and it’s totally obvious to everyone except Kelly.  So she’s not so much bratty as she is expressive.

Seriously, get her some Calamine lotion.  Like now.

Kelly says one of Natalie’s strengths is her flawless face – which totally has red blotches and what looks to be a chicken pox mark on her forehead.  Flawless it is!  “And she can melt the judges’ hearts.”  Or at least their eardrums with her crying.

Kelly says that onstage Natalie is a diva and offstage she’s “spoiled.”  I honestly think she’s just about to turn two.  What else can you expect?  She’s still shitting her pants.  Kelly and her husband Kojak try to change Natalie’s clothes and she goes bat-shit and cries and does that squirming thing little kids do so you cannot possibly hold them without them slipping out of your arms.

Superfunhappytime!

“We do pageants because they are fun and addicting,” Kelly says.  She says they are like drugs or alcohol… “You do drugs because you want to get high…you do pageants because you want to win.”  I knew they should have combined T&T with Intervention at some point!

Kelly says she’d like to think that Natalie likes pageants, but she doesn’t know because, “Natalie doesn’t talk.”  Well she certainly has the word “No” down pat.  Also, shouldn’t she at least have some kind of limited vocabulary?

Now we’re at a home in Charlotte, Michigan, with a mailbox that has a sticker that reads, “If you like high taxes and stupid government, you will love Mich,” I assume they mean Michigan.  Also, you know your mail carrier is the only one reading that each day, right?  You really want to piss off someone from the post office?  Isn’t that a little cliché now?

Two-year-old Samara is doing heavy metal voice into a microphone because she’s mimicking her mother.  Mom Ally says she’s not a typical pageant mom and she’s right – she’s normal!  She was a vocalist for a “pretty large” Christian heavy metal band, and I’m not sure if she means there were a lot of them in the band or they were just all fat.

That’s not a Shake Weight in her hands, is it?

Ally claims to be covered from head to toe in tattoos but we can only see one on her arm – plus, she has a side lip-piercing, which…ow.  Samara has competed all over the country and she is now interested in wearing the “poop crown.”  Mom doesn’t even know which one that is.  The one that has smeared poop on it?  She says Samara is not a typical pageant girl, so they either walk away with a supreme title or nothing at pageants.

In Lancaster, Ohio, I’m loving the outside of Granny’s house and kudos to commenter fancyface who was on top of it when she said Grandma Cindy was the lady from the T&T: Midwest Mommy Mayhem recap who was profiled in her salon telling someone how to run with big dogs (get off the porch, apparently) and she also had a glitz dress to loan someone.  Nice catch.  God the pageant world is small, isn’t it?

Granddaughter Cadence, 8, says everyone in the pageant world calls her grandmother “Crazy Grandma Debbie” and it’s true….she is.  Debbie calls herself the “ultimate glitz grandma.”  She’s a 15-year veteran of pageants having pushed her daughter and older granddaughter through them, I’m guessing somewhat mercilessly as we are about to see with poor Cadence who is adorable.

How can you yell at this little sweetheart?  Do it and I will cut you, Granny.

“I like pageants more than Cadence’s mom,” Grandma tells us, followed by the insightful, “If she does them, she does them, if she doesn’t, she doesn’t.”  Wow.  Let that sentence blow your mind for a moment.

Seriously, Granny, don’t be ugly.  Inside or out.

“I love the whole pageant lifestyle, it becomes consuming,” she says.  Mostly of your retirement funds.

Cadence says she likes to do pageants so she can hang out with her grandma, but I’m not sure why she likes that.  Throughout this whole episode all grandma does is bitch and moan and rip on poor Cadence – nothing she does is good enough for Grandma Crazy.  Why spend your free time like that?

Oh joy, Natalie is getting ready to tan for the first time, so this should be a horrifying experience for us all.  Natalie screams and cries and Kelly says it breaks her heart but they have to do what they have to do to win that cheap sash.  Then Kelly gives us that bullshit about how tanning at any age is fine and tells us it’s just “sugar and water.”  You dumb hick, where did you get that nonsense?  This is what happens when instead of taking chemistry, you just blow the teacher out back for a B-.

“I don’t think pageants are child abuse at all,” she says.  Jesus, who asked her that question?  Natalie screams and fights the person trying to tan her.  “Football is more child abuse – you are putting your kid out there to get smashed to the ground.”  I love how TLC/the production company blurs out her 23-month old nips since she couldn’t keep the tanning top on.  Brilliant.

Careful, editors…you’re running head-first into an NC-17 rating.

Back in militia territory, Ally says it takes her about a week to get everything ready for Samara’s pageant.  She says there is a lot of prep work but she loves it.  Her only crazy moment of the episode is when she says they’d travel up to 24 hours one-way for a pageant.  Seriously?  That just is not cost-effective.

Everyone has to scald their their fingers just once to learn.  I do this every morning.  Goddamn you, Conair.

Then Ally ruins any chance for a recapper’s wrath when she interviews that her husband is currently serving in Afghanistan.  Gasmii, I will rip on a lot of things, but people courageously serving our country I will not touch. They Skype a couple times a week and I’m jealous of Samara’s icy pop.  Those rule!  Come home safe and soon, pageant dad!

Oh man.

Crazy Grandma is tanning Cadence and she yells at her for almost tipping over.  She’s turning her like a rag doll and it’s not the same quality time for Grandma that it is for Cadence, which is kind of sad.  Cadence has to stand like a scarecrow until she dries.  Fun times!

Sit! Speak! Beg! Lie down! Rollover! Play dead!

Now Cadence has to practice while Grandma yells and military music plays in the background (thank you editors!).  “You missed it again!” she says to Cadence about her marks.  Grandma snipes, “I don’t know why you are messing up!” and it turns out it has been 8 months since Cadence has competed.  Well duh, of course she’s as rusty as Grandma’s vagine!

Granny ain’t happy and neither is little nook and granny.

Back in Whineytown, Kelly asks, “Natalie, this is your islandwear, do you like it?” Natalie does not.  “Do you like the ruffles?”  Natalie does not.  I am going to go out on a limb here and say Natalie does not like pageants.  I know.  Shocker.

If you ever cared about me, kill me.  KILL ME NOW!

“I don’t want to get anything lower than supreme,” Kelly says.  Then maybe you should compete because your kid has a spotty face and hates practicing, so I’m thinking you are sunk before you go.  “Anything lower than supreme tells me we didn’t spend enough money.”  Neither did the school district from whence YOU came, you stupid bitch.

“Yes, money plays a role in pageants,” Kelly says, then complains that the last competition where another girl beat Natalie it wasn’t that she was prettier, her clothes just fit better.  Uh, that’s not money, that’s just a good tailor.  Don’t get me wrong, I know money plays a part, but so do looks, practicing, knowing your routines – dare I say it?  THE WHOLE PACKAGE.  Also, I bet that little girl’s mom wasn’t a klassless asshole like you.  Karma can be a bitch and she often shows up at these pageants.

Kelly had a custom dress made for Natalie and turns out the little glove/sleeves are too small and they make Natalie’s arms look like Snausages.  Well, at least her body issues start with the baby fat she so clearly needs to lose.  Stupid toddlers and their chunk.

Dad complains the dress is short (dude, it’s a cupcake dress, doyee), but they realize her diaper is going to show.  Don’t those come with built-in panties that match the dress specifically so diapers don’t show?  They decide to get a diaper cover.  Crisis mode!  They spent $700 on that dress too.  Where’s the real crisis?  Natalie screams.

Back with the rocker chicks, Ally and Samara practice with a boat prop for islandwear.  Samara is going onstage alone and she actually looks older than two – she has really long legs.  Ally’s big concern is the potential for “Chooky moves,” Chooky being Samara’s nickname and the moves being, well, her version of Elaine dancing.  They play Psycho music when she does them, the moves are just that good.

Chooky moves rear their ugly adorable head.

Grandma Crazy is really playing it up for the cameras saying it is SOOO MUCH WORK packing for a pageant.  Just wait until they pack you up for the nursing home, Granny!  She admonishes Cadence for packing her dress incorrectly.  Why does she like to spend time with you granny?

Then Grandma Crazy plays the really stupid crazy card and says her concern is that she’s from Ohio and they are going to Michigan, so the Michigan judges may know the kids in the area and will score them higher because they know them.  So basically, she’s setting up her plan to blame that for any loss as opposed to blaming it on lack of preparation.  Nice save.

A fake leopard had to die just so Granny could look this stupid.

Oh my God, someone better be recapping Geek Love. It’s geeks and they are in love. What could possibly go wrong?  Except their first sexual experience?

Pageant day in lovely Lansing, Michigan, home to 247% unemployment!  Pageant Director Dana wants to see everyone on their A-game.  She probably should avert her eyes when Natalie comes by.

Are you 80?  Then stop dressing like this.

Ally is doing Samara’s hair and makeup and although she says she doesn’t do it, she does a fabulous job.  She warns Samara about doing the “crazy Chooky moves” but Ally knows she has no control of what happens when she gets onstage.  And you know what?  She’s totally cool about it and laughs.  This is a good mom.  I like it when they show up now and then, it’s really refreshing.  And rare.  I think we could all totally have a beer with this woman and make fun of other pageant moms no problem.

Like this one, who chose to spend thousands on dresses and entry fees instead of TEETH.

Natalie is sucking down a bottle while the dress/pamper situation is remedied.  She is ready to go and managed to get through hair and makeup without freaking out.  She must have slammed some Xanax.

Because it’s like spa day here.

Grandma Crazy is in the house and you know because military drums are playing just to continue to scare the hell out of us.  Cadence has professional hair/makeup people working on her which I found odd because her hair really was very old-fashioned and not great pageant hair.

But at least she’s Country Strong.

Grandma Crazy says that when they go slumming at local or regional pageants, she’ll do the hair and makeup.  So why isn’t she today, they are in Lansing for Christ’s sake.

At the Island of Dreams Pageant.  Yep.

Grandma Crazy says she’s worried about being in Michigan since we are big rivalry states.  In what?  College football I could see if I actually knew what teams played each other but I have a life so I don’t.  What else is there?  Fat people?  Secret militias?  Overbearing unions?  Moronic government officials (wait, I guess that’s every state at this point).  Seriously, Michigan is cool and a beautiful place to visit.  We usually reserve our hatred for those inbred hillbillies in Kentucky (they say the same thing about us, so it all works out in the end).

“We practiced on the stage last night and it is THE WORST STAGE I have ever seen,” Grandma Crazy says.  It does suck.  Maybe the decorating committee spent their budget on Jell-O shots.

And here we go!  The first girl we see “loves noodles.”  Yeah, this pageant blows if that’s as interesting as these kids get.  Snore!  Natalie cries.

However Samara continues to be adorable and well-mannered.  Soooo not the typical “whole package” we’re used to seeing.

A little girl in the 0-23 months gets onstage as the announcer says, “She’s learned 20 words and most of her body parts.”  Just like a recapper!  Next up is someone who enjoys, “Drooling, playing and dancing.”  This whole pageant is full of future recappers!

You know women don’t usually like this.  Unless you buy them dinner first.

Natalie goes onstage with her Kojak dad, which is really cool that he’s doing this.  Natalie frowns and doesn’t know what to do. She starts running around her dad and does an absolutely fantastic face-plant into the stage.  She cries and has to be carried offstage by dad.

Bingo!

Kelly’s concern is that when she fell you could see her whole diaper.  Yeah, not that she’s injured, not that she’s crying or upset, but that she might lose points because of her Luvs.  Kelly doesn’t think it’s an issue because seeing diaper is expected if a little kid falls.  You know your kid is crying, right?  Kelly says the crying won’t affect her any more than the fall did.  Well, as long as you are keeping your eyes on the prize:  A cheap dimestore crown.

Luckily her diaper is her best side…just like mommy.

Samara is up and looks really pretty in her red dress.  She really has a natural smile and there is a lot going on with her face – very cute and enthusiastic and she really likes pageants.  Then the Chooky moves hit the stage as she “twinkles” her fingers and she beings to go from one side of the stage to the other.  Everyone laughs and Ally kisses her when she gets offstage.

Chooky moves or the Holy Spirit?  Either way, something’s got her.

And Chooky pleases all.

Grandma Crazy fusses over Cadence then sighs, “Can’t do anymore.”  Great pep-talk!  The emcee announce Isabella Jane – is that our fun Isabella who has the cool mother?  It looks like her but a little older. And she scares the HELL out of Grandma Crazy who looks worried and says, “Cadence, you need to really sparkle.”  Then she turns and says, “Is it hot in here or is it just me?”  Play to the cameras, much, Menopausal Mary?

There’s our girl Isabella!

We are fuuuuuuucked.

Cadence goes onstage and she’s very cute but she’s no supreme…probably just needs to get back into the swing of things and get her confidence back.

When did the Coalminer’s Daughter get here?

Grandma doesn’t look happy and she grimaces a lot and I think it just makes Cadence even more nervous. Grandma interviews that Cadence looked forced and one of the judges says she looked like when she got offstage, she could exhale – like maybe she wasn’t enjoying it?

All I wanted to do was make cookies with Grandma, sans judgment.

Islandwear is up next!  Just when you thought the fun was over.

And I see Peter Brady has entered the competition!

Natalie is crying and throwing a fit because the sequins on her costume are scratching her.  Or because she hates pageants.  You be the judge.

Like my eggs aren’t dying fast enough.

One little girl in the pageant is named Azalea and I think we all know she’ll be enjoying the pole sooner or later.  Then Natalie is up and dad has to sway her from side to side.  Her hair is supposed to look native but it’s a hot mess.  She runs around and dad finally has to catch her.  Kelly thinks she kicked ass and that her clothes were the best and not “off the rack” like everyone else’s, “and any good judge should be able to tell that.”

Did Cap’n Crunch get some work done?

Samara is up next and she’s wearing a mustache with her costume at first, then she takes it off to get in her boat – that kid is adorable.  The boat moved a little too fast and she almost falls but doesn’t and mom loves her.  All good.

I’m gonna be seasick.

And we have our winner!

 

Drums playing as Sgt. Major General Grandma Crazy drills poor Cadence in her routine and belittles her by saying, “That’s not doing it.”  Special moments.  It’s like a freakin’ Hallmark movie with these two.

I can’t believe how much you suuuuck.

Cadence gets onstage and Grandma yells at her because her music hasn’t started.  Way to shred her confidence and focus before she even starts, dumbass!  It throws Cadence off and Grandma has to yell GO to get her back onstage.  Cadence looks very forced and Grandma does not look pleased and thinks she could have projected a little more.  I’d like to project a slap to Grandma’s temple.

Yes, very encouraging face.

Pageant Director Dana says they are doing this pageant a little differently (and you know how those pageant moms like change)…if you are crowned princess in a division, which usually means you are the biggest loser ever in the history of the world, you can actually come back to win a supreme title.  I must be drinking the Kool-Aid of these pageants, because that makes no sense and it total bullshit.

As is this talent routine.

Natalie’s snot-encrusted mouth is chomping on a candy necklace and she seriously needs hosing off as mom tells us she thinks Natalie had a very good day.  What pageant were you watching?

God, kids are like incubators of death, aren’t they?

The emcee says, “Just because you did not win a high title in your age division DOES NOT MEAN you did not win a higher title so please stay so you don’t miss out on potentially taking home a big crown.”  While this sentence is spoken, Kelly is texting intently on her phone.  This will become very important during a really mature meltdown in just a few moments.

First up is 0-23 months and Kelly is convinced Natalie is getting a supreme title.  When they announce Natalie as a princess, Kelly says, “Shut the front door.”

“Drunk” Division is more like it.

She interviews that princess for Natalie is a joke and that she’s a loser.  No, YOU are.  And you are also a sore loser.  And a bad listener.

And this is probably why you flunked civics.

Kelly is very klassy when she says too loudly, “Let’s go.  It’s a joke.  Leave that crown on the chair.”  She grabs her bag and storms out of the ballroom.  Crying, she says if that’s what she gets, she’s leaving because she was sure they’d pull for a supreme title.  This is what happens when you text while the flight attendant is telling you where the exit doors are – you don’t know what to do during an emergency!

She storms off tossing her bag and getting bleeped out because she’s just that kind of woman.  “This is a joke!  Joke! Joke! Joke!” she screams while jumping up and down like she’s stomping her feet in a tantrum.  You do know people can see you and this is now on iTunes for everyone and their mother to see for eternity, right?

Very mature.

Someone named Kim tells her they are still calling high titles but Kelly insists that it’s over.  She says normal pageants don’t crown like this, which is true, but you didn’t pay attention, did you?  “We’re not here for a surprise, we’re here to see how she did,” Kelly says.  Isn’t how she scored at the pageant normally a surprise, if you think about it?

Talk about surprise, this woman just woke up and has no idea where she is.  I call those Saturdays.

The friend that came with Kelly says Kelly broke the trophy when she tossed her bag.  Kelly says the pageant director “bought cheap shit then.”  Yes, because usually the trophies from China are indestructible.  She throws one of the broken pieces on the floor and HER FRIEND picks it up – seriously, she should reconsider this friendship – and says she’s not going back into the ballroom.

Now it’s time for 2-year old crowning and Ally says she doesn’t expect a title – she’s learned not to.  However Samara wins a princess title, so Ally hopes she pulled for a higher one.

Winner!

Next up is the 7-8 year old girls and there are four of them in the category.  Grandma Crazy hopes for a princess title – Isabella gets one! But Cadence gets Queen which means her time on this ride is over.  Grandma is really disappointed and shows it.  She hugs Cadence but it’s clear she loves her less right now.  Worst. Grandma. Ever.

Loser!  God, this is SO confusing.

Supreme titles now – and Kelly refuses to go back into the ballroom.  Then freakin’ leave, you piece of uneducated trash.  God, you know she’s just waiting to be in a car wreck so she can sue the other driver, she’s just that kind of loser.

They should probably throw Natalie directly in the washer when they get home.

First up is Novice Supreme…and the winner is NATALIE!  Kelly’s friends yell to her that Natalie pulled for a higher title and she looks confused.  So her daughter gets crowned without her there and Kelly finally comes back in.  She STILL bitches about Natalie getting the princess title because it sucks and it made the Novice Supreme win less important.  No, it just makes you look like an ass.

Is that dumb bitch wife of mine here to share in our glory?

Kelly bitches to some unsuspecting person next to her that they should have explained that upfront and the woman is like, “They said that right at the beginning of crowning,” and the editors cut to the scene where Kelly is texting something important, probably to Facebook about pinching a loaf that had corn in it (seriously, why does that not digest?), and missed KEY INFORMATION about the pageant.  Other people tell her they heard it and you can see Kelly is pissed.  She wants someone to be on her side but everyone else pays attention.

I wonder why, ADHD.

So the winner for the Ultimate Grand Supreme is…SAMARA!  Oh that is totally cool!  That is so exciting and Ally is thrilled and shocked.  She is very excited and says it was not expected, which makes it even nicer.  Looks like Chooky moves clinched that title!

This kid RULES!

Grandma Crazy is being a total sore-loser bitch and asks Cadence if she really wants to go onstage to take a picture with the other girls.  Bitch, yes, let the poor girl take a picture with the other girls.  Then Grandma says she doesn’t want to waste time doing it so make it quick.  God, I think we’ll all be seeing her next Tuesday.

We’re outta here, I freakin’ HATE Michigan!

And of course, Granny blames the judges and that Cadence deserved a supreme title.  She really didn’t.  She didn’t!  She’s not a bad kid, she’s cute, but she was rusty and she looked very Grand Old Opry and it just didn’t work.  Practice with her, be NICE while doing it, and maybe next time.  Or maybe just go to a pageant in Ohio so the judges are fair.  Dumbass.

Kelly is actually bitching to one of the pageant officials about getting the princess crown, even though her whiney unpracticed daughter walked away with a supreme title.  “It wasn’t, like, explained very well,” she tells the woman.  YES IT WAS.  Just because you were too busy with your dropping a deuce post does not mean it wasn’t explained, it so totally was.  “I know I’m not the only upset mom.”  Yeah, ya kinda are, but you are also clearly the stupidest.

So to recap, you are complaining about winning a high title?  Well, there’s a first for everything.

The best part is the pageant official’s face that is totally over it.  She says, “You won a bigger crown,” and walks away thinking the same thing we all are:  Find something real to worry about, you moronic bitch.

Ally sets the final tone saying she’s here to have fun, Samara’s her to have fun and if they win or lose it’s all about doing your best and trying your hardest.  “I’m a pageant princess,” Samara says.  Yes, you are, and your mom’s pretty cool too.  Try not to make eye contact with Kelly on the way out the door.  She may be the heir of Slytherin.

Is Kelly responsible for moving your tattoo to your OTHER arm?  Witch!

Next week?  Kids act like monsters and are bribed with money, Chuck-E-Cheese and Build-a-Bears just to practice.  Talk about Low-R-Bar!  See you next week and have a great Christmas!  Until then, check out last week’s T&T recap or to get the funniest quotes from TVgasm recaps as they’re posted, follow us on Twitter or like our Facebook page.