Toddlers & Tiaras Recap: Jackin’ it to Georgia

Toddlers and Tiaras

By DearCrabby | Thursday, January 12, 2012 | 11:01 pm | 78 Comments
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Posted in: Featured, Recaps, Toddlers and Tiaras

Holy majoly, it’s Toddlers & Tiaras episodes like this that make up for the boring ones with really good kids.  This one had it all – craziness, fat mommas with bats, raw meat, gum smacking and subtitling of people whose first language is actually English.  American reality TV, do you ever stop giving?

Nope…it gives and gives and gives.  Wow.

Pageant Director Tanisha Dorsey (we’ve seen her before) is heading up the Precious Moments pageant and those moments do not disappoint.  They are doing an autumn theme with stage decorations of hay bales and pumpkins with tiaras.  “We’ll let our girls do what is ever necessary to take home a crown,” she says.  Rephrase, please.

Let’s review.  Pediphile/Pedophile/Nail File/Paper File.

First up, in McIntyre, Georgia, right next to the train tracks (and I mean RIGHT NEXT TO) we meet our first family of the episode – while they are throwing paper towels at each other.

What a waste of a Brawny Man!

We meet our good friend and resident Jabba, mom June who claims to be the “coupon queen.”  She grabs a stack of toilet paper from a shelf of toilet paper (next to ANOTHER shelf of toilet paper) and throws it into the fray.  Daughter Alana is 6 and says, “I’m a beauty queen,” in such a way that clearly we should all already know it.

She tells us that those other girls must be crazy if they think they are going to beat her, “honey boo-boo child.”  Hahaha!  This kid totally cracked me up.  I really think this kid is cute – not really in a pageant way, but more in a she’d be a good character actress in Disney films.  Due to the tight curled bob, she gives off a very flapper-vibe, almost Betty Boopish, and it is adorable.  She is actually one of the funniest kids on the show.  Sadly, I think we all know what she’s in for between now and the high school graduation she will probably never see, which sucks.

She starts to do a dance them she goes round and round kind of crazy then stops and looks around.  It’s like a spinning top that gets faster and faster, then slows down and is very dizzy.

 Then we went to this speakeasy, see…

In June’s kitchen, we see very neatly stacked shelves of paper towels, toilet paper, detergent, deodorant, and cans of just stuff and stuff and more good stuff.  June tells us the couponing helps they pay for very expensive pageants.  She admits to spending $8000-9000, which we all know is chump change in the pageant world.  For these folks, that’s like their retirement.

 At least they are clean and odor-free.

In St. Mary’s, Georgia, we hear a little girl being told by her mother, “Them girls practice every day,” as we meet Laci, 8, who tells us she’s all that and a bag of chips.  Mom Alicia says we’re going to go “Ga-ga” over her daughter…mostly because of the raw meat.  You heard me.

 That’s not happiness to see me.

Alicia says Laci’s pageant strength is her personality, which is really code for ugly, right?  I mean, don’t judges normally look for pretty girls as opposed to interesting ones?

Laci says she’s never lost a pageant, which is probably true given the participation pity awards they always give out.  She doesn’t need to know the truth.  She says she’s better than the other girls because she’s “sassy.”  And “yelly” and “screamy” too.

“Diva style,” she says.  “Diva this!” and she snaps her fingers three times.  Yeah, I bet this kid sucks onstage.  Alicia tries to keep practicing but suddenly her little diva wants chocolate – which mom says she can have after she practices.  Alicia admits bribing her kid with chocolate to get her to practice…but Laci won’t.  Instead, she steps out and screams AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS.  FOR A LONG TIME.

 Just waiting for the head spin and projectile vomiting.

“Scream all you want to,” Alicia says, showing her parenting skills.  So Laci does.  Mom covers her ears and says, “That is so loud!”  Ya think?  The poor sound guy is probably deaf now.  And grateful for the silence!

Alicia says Laci can be “momma’s little angel” (we’ll have to take her word for it) and the next minute she’s screaming bloody murder.  Sounds like a job for Super Tranquilizer!

Laci is rolling all over the floor tossing chocolate pieces into the air and eating them off the kitchen floor.  It’s actually kind of creepy and not very sanitary.  Laci says when she eats chocolate, she feels like she’s in “chocolate heaven.”  Just wait until your period hits and you are in “hormone hell” and binging on chocolate.

In Vidalia, Georgia, home of Crabby Daddy’s favorite sweet onion, we get a quick view of a very dirty trailer and I really feel sorry for this family.  We meet six-year old Heaven who is a “pageant angel” and a gum-smacker.  “Smack! Smack! Smack!”  Oh man, how much do I hate this? A LOT.

 Is that gum or did you just lose a tooth to meth mouth?

“How many pageant have you did, Heaven,” mom Brooklyn, says.  Oh. My. God.  Heaven says she’s won “Fifteen plus 22 pageants,” then counts in her mind and says, “38,” which although she is off one, she counted 22 as one of them (instead of starting with 23), and that’s not bad for a 6 year old not using a calculator.  In America.

Greasin’ her up like a pig for…what the hell is that dog doing on the table?

Practicing in the living room, Brooklyn says, “Let’s see that booty, Heaven.”  Get used to that sentence, Heaven.  She’s not a crazy mom at all, just proud of her daughter and all the work they do that goes into pageants.  But you know we all need to worry.

 Speaking of Daisy Duke!

Back with JuneBug, the entire family sits at the kitchen table (which is totally crowded by all the shelving from the coupon items they’ve purchased), and they begin cutting coupons for their shopping day.  June tells her family they have to pay out $300 to do the pageant so they have to save that much while shopping.  For things they don’t need.  Or…you could stay home and NOT shop and there’s your $300.

Family game night has really started to suck.

Dad Mike “Sugar Bear” (?) says, “If I had to, I’d clip a million coupons for Alana.”  Aww, that is actually really sweet of a dad to do that.  Wonder if she’d clip a million coupons to send him to the dentist/orthodontist.  That poor guy…I mean, come on, teeth health is really important!  Why would you put your kid in pageants before making sure dad had teeth?  Just bad form!

At the store, June says her coupon addiction gives her a rush.  Okay – I’ve got it!  How about a Toddlers & Tiaras/Intervention/Extreme Couponing show?  That show would be like a circus on amphetamines!  And we could let Tabatha Take Over just to add some spice.

You know, as June walks into the store, she really isn’t as large are her face may trick you into believing.  It’s the bullfrog effect – they have those huge bubbled throat/chin things going, but their behinds are skinny as hell.  It’s pretty disconcerting, to be honest.

Ribbit, for her pleasure.

June walks out of the store with $300 worth of stuff that they only paid 27 cents for…she calls it one of her best trips ever.  How do I do something like that at the veterinarian’s?  Because it would be nice to walk out of there under $300 for once (still cheaper than kids, though).

You know she’s just auditioning for Extreme Couponing.  Or that 600-pound person show.  Is there a difference?

Back in Onion City, they are practicing Heaven’s Pinocchio routine for outfit of choice.  Because when I choose any outfit, I know I want it to be wood thatswhatshesaid.  Her father is going to go onstage with her to be the puppetmaster (like Giuseppe?).  Unfortunately, dad doesn’t know the routine and it doesn’t seem like he’s learning it too fast.

I bet a Duggar-sized family of raccoons lives under there.

 Back in historic St. Mary’s, which is really pretty by the way, we see Laci in the official southern limo, an ATV.  WITHOUT A SEATBELT.  People, people, people…Darwin was a spot-on.

As we see Laci and her dad driving through a bunch of water and getting hosed while her mom drives the other ATV, she explains she has two sides (wait until she becomes a woman…we’re like cats with our many moods!)…her pageant girl side “where I do my money face” and there’s country girl.  Where apparently she does itchy trigger finger.

Dad has taken the family to the “hunt club” where they have a setup for hunting deer among other things, like Union soldiers.  Laci says today might be the first day she shoots her first deer.  Well, my limited knowledge says that with the noise you made on your ATV and the fact it’s the middle of the day, probably not.

Alicia says that Laci has two dreams…to win a supreme at the Precious Moments pageant and one to kill her first deer.  That seems somewhat limited and short-sighted, and yet at the same time achievable knowing what we know about her.  Baby steps on the goals, American kids, baby steps.

What I also love is that when they go into their blind/tree house of death to set up the gun to shoot, there is a poster of a bikini-clad woman on a motorcycle right above where Laci looks out.  Way to teach your daughter what is expected of her.  Would it have killed you to put a bikini-clad woman holding a gun straddling a dead deer instead?  Why do I have to think of everything?

 Everyone needs goals.

After a while, when no deer walks directly in her line of site, they finally decide to call it a day and head home.  The deer laugh and laugh and laugh and then get hit by an ATV.

“Well, you missed your shot today, but you’re going to kill it at the pageant,” Dad says.  Kill who?  Is that her talent routine, taking out the other girls with a gun?  Talk about original!  Well, maybe not these days.

Alana and her family are stopping by the school auditorium to practice for her pageant, which is actually a good idea – better than Xs in the living room. Unfortunately, things do not go as well as planned.

 My entire life has been wasted.  But the Twinkies sure weren’t.

June announces Alana as though it’s a pageant, but Alana gets a case of the shy and won’t come out from backstage.  Dad gives her a gentle push and she stomps onstage with her arms flailing – not very elegant at all.   Kids always seem to do this just when the parent needs them NOT to.  June stands at the front of the stage and asks Alana to come to her, but Alana doesn’t.  She must know mom may be hungry and looking for an adorable snack.

June has to be subtitled when she says that practice is sometimes difficult for Alana because she can have her own little mind.  Yes, sometimes that happens with kids.  Alana continues to act like a kid (the nerve!) and June grits her teeth and says, “STOP” except it comes out like, “STTPPPP.”

Still jerking around, Alana trips over herself somewhat on purpose, then looks at June.  Alana interviews that she doesn’t like pageants because of the “practice and work.”  Oh, she’s really not going to like being an adult, then.

“Step, step, turn…show belly,” June says.  What?  Isn’t this beauty walk?  Why would you show belly?  Alana doesn’t do it right.  “Go back and show me your belly,” she says.  That is sick and really setting Alana up for pole-dancing, that is for DAMN sure.

“They can judge on prettiest dress unless they can see the dress,” June says.  As she’s coaching Alana she seriously slaps the fat on her front butt twice and says, “What did I tell you about that?”  Ohhhh…she doesn’t really mean she needs to show her naked belly, she means face FRONT.  Wow, I just got that.  Maybe that’s why Alana is confused too?

 And when I do this, I need you to steal second!

Suddenly June has a bat in her hands (where the hell did that come from?) and she tells Alana to go back.  She’s better move quick!  Then June gets onstage and says, “Let me show you how to do it,” and you can see Alana is getting close to crying.

Sometimes it’s just too much.

June struggles to get up the few stairs to the stage and then it happens.  Alana puts her head in her hands and starts to cry.  She wipes the tears from her face and it’s really sad – and you know I sure don’t like kids or kids who cry, but this just broke my heart, that poor kid.  So much for that “diva” shirt she’s wearing.

Onions!  Heaven says “Pageants make me feel pretty, smack! Smack! Smack! Smack!”  She is going to choke on that gum someday.  She practices at her coaches studio/gym and is pretty good and relatively focused for a little one.  Brooklyn says the competition is going to be tough for Heaven because she’s moved up in age group for this pageant.  Dun-dun-dunnnn!

 My gum is like a little cloud in Heaven.

Smack! Smack! Smack! Smack! Oooh—out falls the gum onto the floor.  Five second rule!

In her deadest voice and wearing her deadest face, Heaven says they are looking for personality.  “I have personality,” she says.  Smack! Smack! Smack! Smack! Smack! I am going to SMACK this kid!

Alana is still melting down as her mother drill-sergeant’s her until it’s just too much and she doesn’t practice well.  They leave the auditorium as Alana continues to cry.  June tells her to stop crying.  She semi-runs to grab her and says, “You cannot walk out of her crying.”  I bet she can!

“Dry it up, dry it up, or you ain’t walking out of here.  Don’t look at the camera!” she says.  June interviews, “Mom is the boss.”  Finally!  An adult in charge.  Once Alana puts a smile on her face, they walk out.

 

Seriously, why did this woman’s body reject her neck?

Alicia tells us that Laci doesn’t like to have her eyebrows done very often.  Why don’t these parents do this when the kids are sound asleep?  All they do when they are awake is squirm and pretty much try to blind themselves.  Laci screams and squirms and fights her mother.  When they are done, she burps at her mother.  “Rude!” her mother says.  Stay klassy, Laci.

Alana tells us she likes to win big because, “I like to win….MOOOOONNNNNNEEEEEEYYYYY!”  They are packing up the pageant totes and Alana says, “A dolla make me holla, honey boo-boo!”  Someone behind the camera (production crew?  Family?) cracks up.  Because a little girl talking about getting a dolla to holla is hilarious and totally appropriate not at all.

June tells us the 49-year old breakdown is going to be one of the hottest competitions at the pageant.  Wait, she said the 4 to 9 year old breakdown…for a split second, I thought SHE was competing and I thought I may have won the recap lottery.

June says there are pros out there who have been doing this since they popped out of their momma’s womb (it almost sounds like she says wound, but I watched and closed-captioned…and closed-captioning really cleaned it up and I couldn’t really tell, but it sounds like something June would say).  “There are some nasty moms out for blood.”

And speaking of, “If someone came up to me and had an opinion to say about my child, I would nut (?) the hell up.  I would get in your face and knock the shit out of you.”  Duly noted.  Also, why do they need a baseball bat at the pageant?

And can they not extreme coupon for some frames?

Pageant day in Swainsboro, Georgia!  Pulling up in their truck are the seat belt-less June and husband and Alana sitting right in between them in the front seat without any kind of seat belt or booster.  I’m going to assume they did it for this scene only and not all the way there, but who am I kidding?

For those of you who may be confused, this is not NASCAR.

Alana is getting her makeup done and she has both blue and pink eyeshadow on.  “I like to win a lot of MOOOOONNNNNEY!” She says, crossing her arms and putting up two fingers.  Why is June holding her baseball bat while Alana gets her hair and makeup done?  She’s not using that like a cane or something, is she?  Or is she just trying to threaten the other girls?  Or the recapper?

 Mommy, is that lady going to clobber me with her bat before eating me?

June admits they are the underdogs and that other people would say the same.  Oh, man, this won’t be good for poor little Alana.

Heaven is having her hair-helmet attached and it looks like a honeycomb.  Her energy is really low for some reason and Brooklyn is worried about getting her mood up.

But at least we’ve solved the bee colony collapse program…too much Aqua Net!

Brooklyn says she doesn’t let Heaven drink energy drinks because, “She ain’t but six,” and she thinks it’s bad for her health.  So, kudos for knowing the health risks, but points off for “ain’t but.”

 Speaking of “buts” does mine look fat?

Not afraid of energy drinks/doing the Dew is Alana and June.  Alana is shotgunning a bottle of Mt. Dew (which apparently can dissolve a mouse carcass, although who figured this out should probably be seen by a shrink quickly) and smiling and turning around and around and around.  June says people say she’s “doping up” her child but she says she’s not, it’s just that Pixie Stix don’t work.  “We went through 15 bags at one pageant.”

Jackin’ it with Jesus juice is soooo much better.

Fifteen bags of Pixie Stix?  IN ONE DAY?  Wow, that’s a lot of tooth decay and tub-o-chub to be saddling your daughter with as she gets older.  They just need the extra oomph at pageants and June says, “Whatever works for your child, use it!”  Cattle prod, anyone?

 Anywhere but here, God, anywhere.

Alana completely spazzing during her interview after saying her “special juice is going to help me wiiii-iiiin.”  She pounds her chest and kind of looks crazed.

 No gang signs, please.

For whatever reason, Laci has become menopausal at this pageant and is really on an energy low.  She does not seem interested in this pageant at all and looks like she’s sitting on death row…literally.  She’s in a chair, looking down and just sort of soulless.

And it goes without saying but I’ll say it…fly right!

Alicia is up in Laci’s face about messing up her hair and makeup and Laci really seems to not be into this whole pageant thing, which is sort of interesting.  She interviews she was mad because she wanted to play and her mother wouldn’t let her.  Is she new?  There’s no playing in pageants!

 Also, if you have some chaw, Heaven could really use it.

Alicia threatens to spank Laci (if she didn’t do it after the screaming fit, she sure as hell won’t do it now…idle threats don’t scare kids!).  She asks Laci if she needs to go outside and have a talk.  She asks her if she wants to go home and for a split second, I thought she was going to say yes.  They stay.

What the shit is going on in Georgia with lack of neckage?

Beauty competition is first.  With the babies, the emcee says, “Her favorite food is formula!”  Because that baby has so much to choose from?

Alana and Heaven are sitting next to each other asking each other if they are nervous.  They both look it, so they both say no.  Heaven asks Alana who she thinks is going to win today and Alana says she is.  “Are you lying?” Heaven asks.  Yuuuup.  Alana says no but Heaven says, “You are.  I can tell by your face.”  Heh.  “I’m going to chew up the comp-uh-ti-tion,” Heaven says, smack! Smack! Smack!

The emcee continues with another girl.  “Her goal is to do whatever God has planned for her,” she says.  Just like Tim Tebow.  But what if God plans that you get knocked up in the back of a truck and drop out of school only to have your baby daddy take off in an ATV with your skinnier sister?  God can really screw with you sometimes, especially if you consistently make bad decisions.

Alana gets onstage and she’s really cute with her chubby cheeks fuchsia dress.  Not cute?

June’s front-butt-arms. I thought dimples were supposed to be cute.

Alana is moving too fast across the stage and is not posing like she should be.  June rubs her belly and says, “When I go like that she needs to show the tummy to the judges.”  When June rubbed her belly, I seriously almost vomited, that is just too gross.

 Voooommmmmmmiiiiiittttt!

Alana says, “This is what I show the judges,” and she pulls up her shirt and grabs her belly like she’s making a mouth with her belly-button, and she keeps squeezing her chubby little belly and everyone off camera is cracking up.

Can’t you see her doing this in high school?  For money?  In the boys’ bathroom?

Back onstage, the emcee says, “Her future plan is to be a couponer like her mother.”  Poor kid.  She’s got a lot of energy onstage (how could she not?) but she really needs more polish.  A coach would help, so I hope whatever coach they hire enjoys sitting in June’s kitchen with 55 gallon drums of creamed corn.

 But let’s face it, adorable.

Heaven is next and she looks beautiful in her white and pink dress.  She is really cute and pretty polished and I love that dress.  At the end, she sort of gets dead face, but otherwise she was good.  “You done good, I’m proud of you,” her dad says.  Well…okay, I’m letting the grammar police go on this one because it’s nice that her dad said he’s proud of her.  She will NOT be on the pole if he sticks around.

 Also adorable….bzzzzzzz.

And of course, Alicia has lost Laci.  Because what else do you do when you are at a pageant and there are a bunch of people running around!  Alicia and her husband are running all over the place looking for her and I thought it got creepy when they went out to the parking lot.  If you seriously didn’t watch your kid, it would be very easy for someone to grab the kid and take her out to the parking lot to a waiting car and whoosh, your kid is gone.

 Just look for the van with no windows.

Alicia interviews, “I was scared that Laci was going to miss her stage time,” she says.  I’m scared your child is being sodomized in the back of someone’s windowless van, but that’s just me.  Alicia is in the auditorium standing still (so not looking for her) when she turns and says, “There she is.”  Are you freakin’ kidding me with this?  I mean, I’m not a kid person, but if I had one and she went missing at a pageant, I would be shitting my pants and screaming looking for her.

Instead, Grandma is holding Laci up saying, “I’ll do my part if you do yours.”  What the hell is going on?  “We’ve been looking everywhere for you,” Alicia says.  Yeah, everywhere in my 2-square feet of standing space in the auditorium!

 Worse than kidnapped, she doesn’t want to do the pageant.

Grandma gives us the scoop…turns out Laci wanted to speak to her Grandma “outside” and wanted Granny to talk to Alicia about “getting off of her case.”  Uh, Laci is how old?  Because it sounds like she hit her teen years about 20 minutes ago.

Alicia says she is not happy and Grandma tells Laci that her mother is scared, so she should give her a hug.  Laci won’t.  Mostly because she knows her mother is more scared that they are going to miss their beauty time than if Laci had been kidnapped.  Also, doesn’t she have to get into her dress?  GET MOVING!

Okay, Laci is in her beautiful red dress but when she gets onstage, she raises her eyebrows to the point where she looks like maybe she really has to pee and she’s just trying not to move too many muscles so she can hold it in…it’s a lot like Torrann’s wide-eye freakshow a couple of weeks ago.

 Or she’s really surprised to be here.

Alicia says when Laci is onstage, a lot of things go through her mind. I’m betting most of them are flies.  Laci continues to twitch like a robot, mostly in her shoulders.  It’s weird.  Alicia thinks Laci did very well and so does a judge they interview…uh, okay.

So, outfit of choice is next, and June shoves more go-go juice down Alana’s gullet.  Alana says it makes her laugh-y and play-y and it also make her want to pull her mother’s hair.  Do it, DO IT!

Alana says her go-go juice is kicking in right now and she starts to jump and twitch and get on her stomach and twirl around and around and around.  She really is going to make some guy really happy someday.  Then another, and another and another until closing time.

 Going-going-gone-juice!

She is still twitching and rolling her stomach while her dad is trying to do something to her shorts, then he says, “Hold still or I’m gonna stick you.”  I thought he meant get a stick and hit her (the bat!) but I know someone commented he was pinning something and didn’t want to stick her with the pin.  I like my idea better, it’s more hilariously violent.

I’m scared! Run, Gasmii, run!  It’s alive!

So…outfit of choice!  Alana’s name is called and June screams at the lowest octave available to man, “WORK IT SMOOCHIE!  THAT’S IT, BABY!”  Yeesh.  Alana does look adorable in her Daisy Duke costume and I’m guessing that will be her signature outfit at the club.  “Shake your butt, baby!” Mom yells.  But then Alana’s shorts look like they are about to fall off her ass and it’s not really cute anymore, it’s sort of icky.

 Kind of a creepy screen capture, now that I look at the whole thing…

Heaven is ready to get onstage and dad is playing the puppet master.  Heaven is supposed to get out of the puppet strings but somehow the Velcro from the strings got stuck and she had to extricate herself from it – that for not helping, DAD, oh, now he did.  Then Heaven starts her little dance and her dad in all of his wisdom, goes backstage and totally forgets about her.  And he is supposed to pick her up at the end and take her offstage.  Instead, he’s backstage just yakking it up.  Suddenly he remembers and says, “Oh shit!” and runs onstage and gets her.  Phew!

 Someone forgot to wind her up!

Here we go!  Laci is doing Lady Gaga and they are doing not a meat dress, but a meat bikini, because there’s less to cover and what with those beef prices today…  They got some very thin layers of beef – almost flank steak (mmmm, flaaaank steaaaak) to safety pin onto the bikini.  Totally disgusting.  Laci is freaking out because the meat is touching her legs and Alicia is worried it is going to ruin her tan.  “The things we do for beauty,” Grandma says.  This isn’t beautiful at all, lemonheads, it’s totally gross and btw, ALREADY DONE.  Yeesh.  Although David Perez is probably killing himself.

 Do you really need to win that badly?

The steak bikini didn’t work so they put her in a completely different outfit.  “It was completely devastating,” Alicia says.  Laci screams, “MOM PLEASE CALM DOWN!”  So they slap her in a platinum blonde wig and a blue spacesuit outfit and we go to commercial as Laci is late, late, late!

Finally Laci gets onstage in her little Total Package Glitz Coffin™ but her dad and the other guy just let the coffin go and walk offstage, and the coffin is round so it rolls and spills little Laci onto the stage.  In sloooow motion.  Alicia scolds her husband, “You were supposed to hold it, she just flipped out.”  He shrugs.  I’m with you, man, let’s go for some wings.

 See ya, Meat Girl.

Luckily, tragedy is averted when Laci recoups and walks all over the stage…although, why the microphone if you really aren’t singing…she started to then stopped.  Meh.  Laci gets offstage and says she didn’t do a good job.  Alicia says they are probably deducting points for being late.  Laci hits her plastic microphone on the table over and over and over again.  Yeah, this kid is going to have some issues if they continue with pageants.

 This is just wrong.  Wrong, wrong, wrong.

CROWNING!  Alana gets onstage looking like her Daisy Dukes are about to fall off her ass for sure now.  I bet she totally has ass-crack going right now.  Heaven is looking adorable and June says Heaven may beat Alana.  Ya think?

Third runner up…Alana!  Her whole family screams and applauds and it’s very cool considering she won one of the lowest awards we’ve ever seen handed out on this show.  June interviews it’s such a jump up from the “participation award” she got last time.

Sigh.

That is one unhappy pappy…

Then June burps loudly.  During her interview.  And just stares at the camera.

Double sigh.

The burp heard round the TLC world…and no “excuse me” in sight.

Alana says she feels sad because she didn’t get a big crown or trophy and she did show her belly to the judges.  Okay, facing the judges is only half the battle.  In an interview, she grabs her belly and says, “Look at this big belly” and she points at herself smiling.  Just wait until you see the big belly that awaits you, Pixie Stix junkie.

“They don’t know a good thing when they see it,” she says, as everyone cracks up.  This kid is totally hilarious but you can see her future as clearly as I can.  Sad.

Laci’s group is up next…First Runner Up…not Laci!  Queen…not Laci!  “She done good!” Alicia says.  Oh, English, how you must ache.

 Awww…thank Heaven for little girls.

Overall Titles…there are 6 grand supremes…Grand Supreme, Mini-Supreme, Novice Supreme, Personality Supreme (Fat Girl Supreme), Precious Face Supreme and Beauty Supreme.  Plus Extra Cheese Supreme.

Beauty Supreme…not our girls!  Personality Supreme…Laci!  Oh, burn!  I can’t tell if Alicia is happy or not, because she says, “Go figure.”  Then she says, “It wasn’t her day.”  I don’t think she has a lot of good days, unfortunately.

And not sure mom will let her come home at the end of the pageant.

Mini-Supreme…Heaven!  Mom and dad are happy and proud.  They hope she can be Miss America.  Alicia says they just didn’t have it together today which is why they lost.  And Laci’s being a bit of a little cooch because she keeps holding her crown on her head then letting it drop without trying to catch it.  Great sportsmanship…and next time, how about practicing and putting in a little effort, huh Personality Supreme?

Nailed it!

“I didn’t win any cash and that’s why I was disappointed,” Laci interviews.  “You gotta remind me of that, thanks,” she snots then sighs.

 Motherf#ckers!

From a previous interview, Laci says, “I’m going to be Miss America, then Miss Universe, then I’ll be in charge of the whole hunting club,” she says.  One of those is probably going to come true.

June is very good with Alana and tells her she did a great job and so much better than last time.  Alana interviews she should have won the crown because she did the best.  June says they’ll continue to do pageants until they “hang it up” then they’ll move on to something else.

Alana still has some go-go juice in her because she starts to “work that thing” and dance like she’s on Laugh In.  “Peace!” she says.  She’s hilarious.

 Guess she mainlined that last bottle.

The one thing I will say, despite the obvious snark, these people all really loved their kids and weren’t overly crazy about pageants.  Alicia should probably reconsider putting Laci in them – she doesn’t seem to like them all that much – but the other moms and daughters really had loving relationships and were more grounded than we’ve seen in…well, awhile.  Ahem.

Icing on the cake is next week…guess who is back?  NI-NI!  That’s right, it’s a Mac attack, as in Mackenzie is back!  And she tells someone to stop hugging her.  We are sooo alike.

ALSO…

I’m officially yellow carding us on comment grammar patrol and snarking at each other. Disagreeing – fine; pulling a Mean Girls…let’s leave that for our family members during drunken holidays.

I know things have been crazy here the past couple of weeks…although I might slam on people for grammar when they are on TV (mostly because it’s hilarious when people double and triple negative!), I think we can give each other a break in the comments…most of us are reading while at work (heh heh!) so when we make a quick comment, let’s not worry about that misspelled word or missed apostrophe…and let’s keep the comments on the crazy reality show people and not on each other.  This isn’t Yahoo comments after all (talk about meanies)!  Let’s not let the loser pageant moms rile us up any more than necessary.

Until next week, check out the previous full recaps and minicaps or to get the funniest quotes from TVgasm recaps as they’re posted, follow us on Twitter or like our Facebook page! You can post your favorite lines right back at us. Thanks for being here!

 

 

A Food Network host wannabe and travel fanatic (only three more continents to go!) , Dear Crabby lived in Chicago for over 10 years before returning to her native Ohio. She loves black martinis, blue cheese burgers, and The Daily Show. A two-time Chicago marathon finisher, she heartily dislikes Smokey Smokersons, slow drivers in the passing lane, and noisy children, especially when they ruin a fine dining experience or a trip to Target. A nouveau spinster, Dear Crabby spends her free time with her Cocker Spaniels and often goes by the pseudonym “Mrs. Clooney.”

78 Comments

  1. 1
    MorganMoon
    Posted January 13, 2012 at 12:23 am

    OH Crabby, you are a genius! I love, love, LOVE your recaps! I enjoy this more than the actual show, so thank you for you… YOU ROCK! I don’t think Laci enjoys pageants that much. She surely didn’t seem as if she did. Heaven was adorable but the gum-smacking just about killed me! Alana, poor Alana. Nothing more to say than that…

    June. Scared. Me.

  2. 2
    Alison Zimmerman
    Posted January 13, 2012 at 1:25 am

    Crabby, I have been looking forward to this recap for days! I thought Alana was a riot. But I don’t know what was worse, the gallon of Mt. Dew or the 15 bags of pixie stixs!!

    Heaven was adorable. Smack! Smack! Smack! I can’t stand when people chew their gum that way. Loved her pinocchio routine. Thought she did very well for being left onstage by dad. The wink and smile at the judges made it.

    Apparently Laci was talking back to production, and that is why mom was on her ass. That is why she was with granny. Well that is what mom said on thr T&T fb page.

  3. 3
    kthxbai
    Posted January 13, 2012 at 5:57 am

    @DearCrabby Pediphile/Pedophile/Nail File/Paper File has replaced Rock Paper Scissors at our house and is spreading through my family like a flesh eating zombicteria.

    It’s a modern time saver because parents can now teach Stranger Danger and avoid fights over who’s got to load up the dishwasher at the same time.

    Here’s the rules: Pedophile’s nasty feet break Pediphile, Nail File stabs Pedophile, Paper File sues Nail File, Pediphile turns out to be the parent company that wins by showing Pedophile swallowed Pediphile with malicious smuggling intent even though it said External Use Only.

    I had to take a ROFL pause for the Toddlers & Tiaras/Intervention/Extreme Couponing Taken Over by Tabatha show. And an even longer 1 for how much I wish they’d actually do it.

    I bet they will, too, if they can find at least 3-4 season’s worth of Little Muslims with Multiples families to be in the cast.

    I’m the 1 that said Honeybubu’s daddy meant he was going to stick her with a pin if she didn’t hold still. Which is how come her shorts ended up about to fall off. (Besides being 2 sizes too big because the coupon probably didn’t let them pick)

    Just to give you an idea of how twisted up this show can make people’s thinking, I actually thought that was sweet.

    There he was without a tooth in his head and so worried about sticking her that he ended up not even sticking the costume.

    Because we’re used to seeing moms that’d pin those daisy dukes straight into her skin if time was running out and she was already crying anyway.

    Like Gloria Swanson used to do with her wigs back when doctors wouldn’t do eyelifts on anybody over 80.

    If it makes you feel any better, Honeybubu probably won’t end up on the pole.

    She’ll be living in her own trailer with 2 babies and another 1 on the way by the time she’s old enough to get a fake ID for the club manager to cover his ass with when election time comes and the politicians send the popo in there to get on the religious rich people’s good side.

  4. 4
    whoochile
    Posted January 13, 2012 at 6:02 am

    Alana make me giggle a few times for the one hour of this show, but I can guarantee you that her personality would make you want to pull out your finger nails if around her for very long. I don’t even know what to say about her playing with her soon-to-be-almost-there-panis.

    Heaven was so cute and it is obvious how much her parents adore her! I think they basically had their own language, not so much just grammatical mistakes. Oy!

    June was flat out unkept and horrifying, ’nuff said.

  5. 5
    Bioscotto
    Posted January 13, 2012 at 7:46 am

    I’m only on page two, but I had to comment on the name Heaven! Not only will she get tired of hearing “Let’s see that booty, Heaven!” but I imagine she’s going to hear her fair share of “I’m in Heaven!” too…

    That poor, poor girl… :(

  6. 6
    Marmy
    Posted January 13, 2012 at 8:21 am

    Believe me, I’m not proud to admit this but I kinda like a little fussing and fighting on a message board. Probably has something to do with the fact that I have only a high school degree.

    I loved this episode for all the wrong reasons and WhyTheLongFace June was mesmerizing, especially when she was making those awesome squint faces while coaching Alana during her routine. She reminded me a little of that mole-infested, similarly shaped T&T mom from a few seasons back who stormed off in a van after crowning didn’t go well.

    Im glad I’m not the only one who felt tremendous relief when Laci was found. To have a child missing during a pageant when points are being deducted every minute you’re late is a stress I can only imagine. I could feel the panic from my own living room just imagining the effect her disappearance could have had when crowning time came around. So thankful it didn’t end in the worst case scenario – Laci walking away with no crown or title at all.

    I was a little disappointed that these little girls were named Heaven, Alana and Laci instead of Hevvin, Allahnha and Laiyceighy. Dumbass name spellings have become a favorite part of the show for me but I’m sure the weeks ahead will bring Iszabeliasz and Destineez so I’ll be patient.

    Love your recaps, Crabby.

  7. 7
    Snootchy Bootches
    Posted January 13, 2012 at 8:53 am

    There was an article about June and the go-go juice. Apparently it is half Mt Dew and half Redbull. Mt Dew is no big deal really, but I doubt I would give my child Redbull. And especially not both together! Now when she gets older and needs energy, Alana has been trained to look to stimulants. She may Holla for a Dolla now but pretty soon she is gonna have Need for some Speed and I ain’t talking about Keanu in a bus, folks. Such an adorable child and sad to see that her potential is probably going to be wasted. Hope I am wrong.

    Thanks for a great recap! (And PS, Pinnochio’s puppetmaster is Gepetto)

  8. 8
    A
    Posted January 13, 2012 at 9:50 am

    I heard the whole losing Laci thing was completely fake and they knew where she was the whole time which explains why they weren’t actually flipping out over it

  9. 9
    kthxbai
    Posted January 13, 2012 at 11:27 am

    @A Her parents might’ve thought it made them look bad because they suck at acting.

    But 1 of the 1st things they tell you at Neighborhood Safety Watch class is that most kidnappers will go for the kid that’s not being followed around by a camera crew.

  10. 10
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted January 13, 2012 at 5:00 pm

    I am so flipping EXCITED! The recap is here woo hoo! I haven’t even read it yet…I just wanted to express my gratitude that Crabby was finally able to get past the updates that screwed up everything for a while :-)

    On a similar note, on a break at work today I took a quick peek to see if the full recap had been posted. Much to my delight it had been! So I got home from work, did some chores, and finally sat down to read it. OF COURSE the site was temporarily down again lol. That’s been happening for, what? A week or two? So I’m cursing up a storm at my iPod (I use it when I’m on the porch) because I couldn’t read the recap by the fabbulous Crabby! Shortly thereafter it loaded and my life was once again comlete. I am SO pathetic, and I don’t care. HA!

    Okay, off to read…I know it will be a great one (they always are).

  11. 11
    Alice
    Posted January 13, 2012 at 8:44 pm

    Great episode.

  12. 12
    Darcy Shepard
    Posted January 14, 2012 at 12:21 am

    “Tabatha Takes Over Toddlers and Tiaras” would be my all-time favorite show, and needs a channel that exclusively runs episodes.

  13. 13
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted January 14, 2012 at 2:25 am

    I am so flipping EXCITED! The recap is here woo hoo! I haven’t even read it yet…I just wanted to express my gratitude that Crabby was finally able to get past the updates that screwed up everything for a while :-)

    On a similar note, on a break at work today I took a quick peek to see if the full recap had been posted. Much to my delight it had been! So I got home from work, did some chores, and finally sat down to read it. OF COURSE the site was temporarily down again lol. That’s been happening for, what? A week or two? So I’m cursing up a storm at my iPod (I use it when I’m on the porch) because I couldn’t read the recap by the fabbulous Crabby! Shortly thereafter it loaded and my life was once again comlete. I am SO pathetic, and I don’t care. HA!

    Okay, off to read. I know it will be a great one (they always are).

    Ahhhhh it happened again! Now I can’t post my comment. Hmmmm maybe that’s why there are less than a dozen. One more try…

  14. 14
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted January 14, 2012 at 2:28 am

    “fabulous”…typing too fast

  15. 15
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted January 14, 2012 at 2:32 am

    AND this morning there were NOT, indeed, “less” than a dozen. Oops. Heh. I crack myself up (sorry guys it’s REALLY early).

  16. 16
    Alison Zimmerman
    Posted January 14, 2012 at 9:24 am

    @Amy, I think your comments have had to much of the “crazy juice”!! :) ha ha! I watched this one a few different times cause it was so funny…Ok that Alana made it so funny!

    The meat bikini was gross! Gross, Gross, Gross! What a waist of 20 bucks, that shit ain’t cheap!! Laci needs to come stay the weekend at Bugg’s house, I will show that little girl some manners. However, I loved her beauty dress, it was fun!!

    I did learn something this episode though….and don’t knock on me because of it either!! I learned where the Vidalia onions came from! I knew it was an onion, just didn’t know that they are grown in Georgia. I don’t like onions, so I guess that is why I didn’t know that. I know that we have a “sweet” onion here in WA ST. The Walla Walla onions. I hear those are the best for onion rings. There is a little burger place in SW Wa that only makes onion rings when the Walla Walla’s are in season….ok, so now I want some deep fried onion rings cause I have been talking about them….probably not the best breakfast…but hot and greasy on a cold winter morning….umm I will stick to the cereal!! :)

  17. 17
    Alison Zimmerman
    Posted January 14, 2012 at 9:29 am

    hmm…I think it ate my last post…? not too sure. So Glad Crabby is back, along with everyone else :)

  18. 18
    Alison Zimmerman
    Posted January 14, 2012 at 9:30 am

    ok nvm! I blame the crazy weather… ha!

  19. 19
    Georgiababe Kilborne
    Posted January 14, 2012 at 11:18 am

    Love the recap Crabby!!! Genius, as usual.

    But one thing – most ATVs don’t have seatbelts. I’ve certainly never driven one that has. I can’t remember, was Laci’s one of those really enormous ones that kind of looks like a Jeep? If so, then I understand the seatbelt thing but every ATV that I’ve ever driven has been a smaller one – a “quad”, as they say where I’m from. No seatbelts because honestly, if those things flip, there’s no roof – easier to get away if you’re not wearing a seatbelt.

    Anyway, this episode was kind of meh for me. I feel bad for little Alana – judging by her mom and siblings, she’s got an unhealthy future ahead of her. So sad.

    And although Heaven was cute, I cannot ABIDE chewing gum, it’s the grossest thing in the world. I couldn’t even look at her when she was smacking, it made me want to barf. Ick.

    SOOOO looking forward to your recap of Makenzie, she is my FAVORITE kid on this show! Well, most entertaining anyway, I certainly wouldn’t want to take her home lol.

  20. 20
    Gypsy Rose Lee
    Posted January 14, 2012 at 11:40 am

    Normally I stay away from making fun of the mom’s size or general appearance, but, damn June! Everything about her said, “I have given up on life.”

  21. 21
    maryedith
    Posted January 14, 2012 at 11:46 am

    There was a WAR over the Vidalia onion, Amy. They wanted to name another, similar onion “vidalia” (it may have been your Washington onion, come to think of it). But it was decided that the onions had to come from Vidalia to be called that. Same thing as with Champagne — the Vidalia onion is the Champagne of Georgia.

  22. 22
    kthxbai
    Posted January 14, 2012 at 12:40 pm

    @maryedith It’s SO easy to start a war about some things. Watch.

    Those Walla Walla onions are OK but Vidalias make better rings. And Peru sweet onions are the best of all. Even raw.

    OK now DUCK!

  23. 23
    Clair Clair
    Posted January 14, 2012 at 2:40 pm

    Okay-thankyou-bye, you have a multitude of grammatical errors in your post. Now please rewrite it and resubmit it for my review.

  24. 24
    maryedith
    Posted January 14, 2012 at 3:08 pm

    Yes– listen, Clair and kthxbai. I have seven drgresses and they are ALL in English and you BOTH have major editing errors in your posts. My children, who grew up speaking Pig Latin, have better English grammar than both of you hillbillies. It ain’t right.

  25. 25
    Alison Zimmerman
    Posted January 14, 2012 at 3:19 pm

    @mary-that was Me(alisonzimmerman) that commented on the onion thing.)
    @kthxbai-Gross! Raw onions, yuck! Again don’t know much about them other then I don’t like em, but I do put them in spaghetti sauce…kind of how I don’t like cheese, but will eat pizza…

    @everyone—anyone else having trouble logging in with FB? or is it just me? If this is a double post again, I am sorry

  26. 26
    Clair Clair
    Posted January 14, 2012 at 3:23 pm

    Are the comments being censored now?

  27. 27
    Clair Clair
    Posted January 14, 2012 at 3:26 pm

    never mind. My comment #23 took forever to show up, then the top of the page said there were 25 comments while only showing 22, then it said there were only 22.

    @maryedith – maybe if you were to put capital letters in your name, you wouldn’t be so PMS-y.

  28. 28
    maryedith
    Posted January 14, 2012 at 3:47 pm

    @Alison, I couldn’t at all yesterday. I couldn’t even get the site to come up for a while there. So I’m glad you said that; it confirms that it’s not just me and my hilljack fingers.

  29. 29
    maryedith
    Posted January 14, 2012 at 3:51 pm

    Clair, capitals are for East Coast liberal prisshats. Here in Georgia we do just fine with our lower-case names.

  30. 30
    maryedith
    Posted January 14, 2012 at 3:53 pm

    And PMS is for fairies.

  31. 31
    maryedith
    Posted January 14, 2012 at 4:03 pm

    Yeah. Something’s seriously up with the site right now.

  32. 32
    kthxbai
    Posted January 14, 2012 at 4:10 pm

    It just so happens that I have several degress in Current Agricultural Pageant English.

    They are very rare.

    And I have to go get them medical field re-certified all the time to keep up with new discoveries.

    If your kids are speaking Pig Latin that’s probably how come they’re not pulling any of the big vegetable crowns.

    FYI judges in all the major national pageants take points off when the parents are uninformed about onions.

    All children, even yours, deserve the very best salad related condiment care. I bet you’re putting Vidalias on their sandwiches too.

    That scares me.

    I suggest you think about continuing education updates because it sounds to me like you’re living back in 2008 or something.

  33. 33
    kthxbai
    Posted January 14, 2012 at 4:23 pm

    @Alison Zimmerman I don’t have Facebook but it looks like regular logging in and staying logged in are fucked up. I think it must be dignitaries fooling with stuff.

    @Clair I know I have to be logged in to see my comments till somebody picks me out of the spam with tweezers.

    I don’t know if other people can see them or not before that happens.

    So I’m just going to take a nap while they fix it all.

  34. 34
    brosnanfan
    Posted January 14, 2012 at 10:48 pm

    Can I just say that I loved, loved, LOVED Heaven’s family (despite the unfortunately-named “Brooklyn”). Mom and Dad seemed like they really loved their daughter, they were willing to work hard to help her, Heaven herself was not being bratty or snotty or obnoxious, she actually *gasp* practiced…and she didn’t scream or pout once! I am willing to overlook hillbilly accents and bad grammar and gum-smacking in favor of loving and supportive parents who don’t make their kid feel like a either a failure or a hooker. I would have put more clothes on her in those opening scenes (the plaid shirt and booty shorts), but that’s just me.

    Laci’s mom…meh. Laci herself…needs a spanking. About the first time she started that screaming nonsense at MY house would be the last time. Also, I agree…if my kid disappeared, the first thing I would think of would be that something terrible had happened or someone had grabbed her, not that she would miss her time on stage. Mom seriously needs to reconsider whether or not to keep her daughter in pageants. Laci just doesn’t seem to care.

    June…O.M.G. They could live on what was stored in that house for months, they so didn’t need to go shopping for more so they could “save” money. I agree that they could just save the money by NOT going to the store…boom, money saved. And am I the only one who thought that the totes and some of the shelves were bought specifically for the show? Some of them may have been there already, but IMO some of those totes were probably hastily filled with stuff that had been stacked on the table or in the corners. Not even going to start with her actions. I’d need more bandwidth.

    IMO, the “fifteen bags of Pixi Stix” was a generalization…I have said “fifteen” or “fifteen-hundred” or “fifteen-thousand” when I meant “a lot”, so she probably meant that they went through a lot of Pixi Stix, not literally fifteen bags. Still…her kid needed Mountain Dew like June needed another doughnut. Alana was funny, to a certain degree, but that whole fakey “honey-boo-boo” crap got real old real fast. And whoever taught her that “a dolla makes me holla” needs to be repeatedly slapped.

    I missed her burp the first time around, but when I watched it again I was literally laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe. Between that (no embarrassment, no “excuse me” no nothing) and her jaundiced eye skin, momma was a mess. Really, people can be overweight and NOT be sloppy or disheveled or frumpy or icky. A little makeup, a little mousse, some nice clothes, all can go a long way. Oh, and a pretty personality makes up for a LOT of homely looks.

    And what was up with the bat?????

  35. 35
    Snootchy Bootches
    Posted January 15, 2012 at 3:44 am

    I didn’t even really notice the bat the first time around so I rewatched it to check it out. When they were in the auditorium practicing, I noticed that one of the older kids had a catcher’s mask or something like that, so I bet the older kids play baseball outside while they are doing pageant stuff.

  36. 36
    Shana
    Posted January 15, 2012 at 4:10 am

    @ Marmy:
    “I kinda like a little fussing and fighting on a message board”–lol! Me too! I also couldn’t believe it when the parents are running through the parking lot, and the mom is only concerned about the time issue.

    @ Snootchy Bootches: I KNEW that go-go juice wasn’t just Mt. Dew. First of all, if it was, then just call it Mt. Dew. Second, the wrap on the drink was peeled off, and for some reason that made me feel like things are lookin’ fishy. Lastly, the main ingredient of soda is sugar, and if 15 pixie sticks didn’t work, liquid sugar wouldn’t work either. There HAD to be something else in there. I was thinking energy pills crushed up. Red Bull makes sense.

    You know, more than obesity, I worry about ALL those kids (even the very skinny ones) and diabetes, as well as eating disorders and addictions. Sugar used as an incentive, a reward, and energy fix is kind of frightening. Now, I have no problem doping your kids occasionally, a little cold medicine for an airplane trip both clears the nasal passages for an easier landing, and makes the kid sleep the whole time–thus sparing the kid, other passengers, and the parents from craziness. But if these kids are doing these pageants so often (and you know once they found what works, the parents are doing this stuff at home too–case in point, Laci and the chocolates). Teaching these kids addictive behavior, flagrant substance abuse (regardless of the substance), and to ignore their bodies messages of exhaustion is just dangerous. I have no problem with June’s weight problems at all. She is an adult. She can make her own educated–or rather, ignorant, choices. I have a serious problem, however, when it is kids that are being fucked with.

    @ Alison Zimmerman, maryedith, Clair and kthxbai, you guys are all hilarious, I am enjoying your conversations. And you are all coming in clear, so fear not about the computer problems!

  37. 37
    Shana
    Posted January 15, 2012 at 5:29 am

    I will start this post off by saying–
    PLEASE DON’T HATE ME, I AM NOT TRYING TO START–OR RE-START–A FIGHT!!

    I am behaving, following DearCrabby’s rules, but…it is just that I recently read the war posts from the minicap, some 281 comments, and I am left feeling a little confused. You see, in response to icegirl’s rant about the bad grammar of Heaven’s family, Nelliebelle1197 writes that icegirl shouldn’t judge since her own grammar leaves much to be desired. Now, I see that icegirl has indeed made some grammatical mistakes in her posts. Please understand, I DON’T CARE that she has, but icegirl gets mad for being called out on it and says back,

    icegirl:
    @Nellie Bellie,”…your grammar is worse than mine, so you have no place in correcting me.” [curse, curse, curse]
    icegirl | 55 of 281 Comments | Posted on January 06, 2012 2:21 am

    I don’t understand this comment, where is nelliebelle1197′s bad grammar? Then comes nelliebelle1197′s response, which I thought was perfect and is the reason for this post:

    nelliebelle1197:
    @icegirl “Actually, my grammar is not worse than yours. It’s hilarious that you criticize people for language when you cannot be bothered to use language correctly. I have two post-graduate degrees, dear, and two undergraduate degrees, including one in English with a creative writing focus. I have also worked as a professional writer and editor. If you choose to criticize, you should master one of your six languages and understand you, too, may be the object of criticism. The decade I spent in academia taught me clearly that a graduate degree does not equal intellectual acumen. Additionally, resorting to coarse language neither enhances a dialogue nor does it create a winning argument.”
    nelliebelle1197 | 57 of 281 Comments | Posted on January 06, 2012 4:09 am

    I thought that was such a good response and that it was written perfectly. But icegirl clearly disagrees. And here is the part that I don’t understand–

    icegirl:
    “[A bunch of stuff about all her degrees and brilliance]..my grammar is just as good if not better than yours, since you did make quite a few errors yourself honey….”
    icegirl | 59 of 281 Comments | Posted on January 06, 2012 5:28 am

    Then georgiababe says,
    “Also, in reference to this comment war: NEITHER of the two Gasmii arguing back and forth have perfect grammar, I spotted mistakes in both posts. I have a degree in English too…”

    Okay, so WHERE IS nelliebelle1197′s GRAMMAR MISTAKES? I have read and reread it and cannot find a single grammatical error. Can someone (any of you multiple degree holders or icegirl or georgiababe) PLEASE tell me where the grammatical errors are? Again, I DON’T CARE ABOUT THE CONTENT, I DON’T CARE IF THERE ARE GRAMMATICAL ERRORS, AND I DON’T CARE HOW MUCH EDUCATION OR DEGREES SOMEONE MAY HAVE, but it is driving me nuts trying to figure out where the supposed mistakes are in nelliebelle1197′s posts. And if there aren’t any errors (as I suspect), then it is unfair for that slight to go undefended on behalf of nelliebelle1197. I don’t know her, but I liked the cadence of her writing, especially the last sentence, and I don’t understand why her writing was insulted. Please, correct me if I am wrong.

    P.S. I am sorry if I am insulting anyone or bringing up bad feelings with this post. That is not my intent.

  38. 38
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted January 15, 2012 at 7:09 am

    I’m a new poster since I had trouble getting registered with my iPad, but now I’m here with a notebook. Crabby, you are terrific! and the Gasmii make such wonderful comments.

    I would love to have Tabitha take over T&T. Could I recap that one? Oh never mind. Since I’m not especially funny, I would rather watch the show and read the recaps anyway. But wouldn’t that be a great show?

    Poor Alana has a sad future if her biggest asset is her belly. I had to hide behind the couch and peek around when that family was showcased. Yikes!

    Our society is in deep trouble when our source of entertainment is demented mothers and children with eating disorders and substance and image issues. Bring it on!

  39. 39
    Marmy
    Posted January 15, 2012 at 8:18 am

    Shana, maybe it was the lack of capitialization in her screen name that caused Icy’s frowny face. In a formal setting such as a Toddlers and Tiaras message board here on the Worldly Wide Intraweb, names that start with lower case letters stand out like a homely mom at a beauty pageant for little girls.

  40. 40
    maryedith
    Posted January 15, 2012 at 8:46 am

    @shana, Maybe you should post Nelliebellie’s original comment because that seems to be the one they are talking about? I don’t have the patience to go through and find it. There actually aren’t too many specifically grammatical errors in any of the comments on these threads. There are tons of style errors, but it’s impossible to be stylistically perfect in a forum like this because style depends on context and we’re all coming from different places and writing informally anyway. That’s why it cracks me up when people call other people out for bad grammar. Only a pedant would write with perfect grammar on a comment thread! Thankfully, I know I’m not offending anyone on here with that last sentence.

  41. 41
    Beachgal
    Posted January 15, 2012 at 8:54 am

    Who cares about that fight? I was over it in the mini cap and I don’t want to rehash it here. So pointless.
    Great recap!

  42. 42
    itchy
    Posted January 15, 2012 at 10:36 am

    Tsk, tsk, Shana. ‘Twasn’t grammar at issue, ’twas commenter etiquette.

  43. 43
    crankyguy crankyguy
    Posted January 15, 2012 at 2:47 pm

    If it makes you feel any better, Shana, I read what you copied, and I didn’t see any mistakes either. But, please don’t peruse any posts that I have made, as there are sure to be all sorts of errors, especially since the recap portion of the site doesn’t allow editing of comments.

  44. 44
    georgiababe
    Posted January 15, 2012 at 2:56 pm

    @Shana – I can’t actually remember who I was talking about. The argument was not just between Nelliebellie and icegirl, there were others involved. I just found it very hypocritical that two of the posters who were arguing about grammar had both had mistakes, but I honestly can’t remember which two I was referring to. It seemed obvious at the time, but I clearly should have indicated names.

    And, like Beachgal said, it’s possible that the errors involved were actually more style errors than true grammatical errors. I can’t remember.

    And frankly, I don’t care…

  45. 45
    Shana
    Posted January 15, 2012 at 5:40 pm

    Thanks guys for your answers, you are all so funny!

    @ Marmy, lol!

    @ maryedith, nelliebellie’s first post was fine, there wasn’t enough to critique.

    @ crankyguy: thanks for your opinion, that’s what I had thought–and it is the answer to my question. As for your writing, I have always enjoyed all of your comments on all the shows we have in common. And like I said earlier, y’all can write any way you want. In fact, I would be upset if you changed anything about yourselves. I know I certainly wouldn’t want anyone to go back and proofread my comments (now and forever), I just don’t like an insult hurled unjustly.

    @itchy, you are right about it being more of an etiquette issue overall. It had felt a lot like a “well I’m rubber you’re glue, whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you” comeback.

    I know that I enjoy writing in the same way that I speak, and I love when people comment like that too–it feels more like a conversation that way and it makes the experience so much more fun. I AM NOT INSULTING ANYONE, just standing up for a misaligned fellow commentator. So @ Beachgal and @ georgiababe, forgive me for bringing up old news, I just wanted to clear up a part of the argument that had remained sour in my mind. Now that I have my answer–thanks crankyguy–I will lay it to rest and will never bring it up again!

    On to newer and better discussion from here on out!

  46. 46
    Alison Zimmerman
    Posted January 15, 2012 at 9:04 pm

    From what I gathered on the T&T FB page, the bat was supposed to be used for one of her other routines, that is why mom had it out.

    I think the fact that Laci didn’t have on a helmet when she was on that ATV was more bothersome to me then anything else…Oh, and the Raw Meat Bikini that she never wore!! Gross, and I like steak!

  47. 47
    maryedith
    Posted January 15, 2012 at 9:06 pm

    Sorry, but “misaligned” made me laugh because I’m sure you must mean “maligned?” We haven’t yet stooped to making fun of each others’ appearances.

  48. 48
    Alice
    Posted January 15, 2012 at 10:16 pm

    I doubt if it was due to my request, but I still wanted to say thanks for including the image of the hairdresser who had bigger neck stuff than Alana’s mom. It was on the screen for such a short amount of time…just long enough to make us scream.

  49. 49
    Shana
    Posted January 16, 2012 at 1:21 am

    @ maryedith: lol, you are absolutely right! I had written the post earlier but it got lost in the posting, so when I wrote it again, I wasn’t paying as much attention. Thanks for the correction!

  50. 50
    notwithoutmytv
    Posted January 16, 2012 at 6:37 am

    In a post I wrote back in Novmber, I realized that I typed “ba” instead of “bad”. I just wanted to make sure I corrected that, so you didn’t think I was talking about a lamb, or something. But I am not willing to go back and cut and pate the text for you; you’ll just have to take my word for it.

  51. 51
    notwithoutmytv
    Posted January 16, 2012 at 6:38 am

    Sorry, “November”. I wish there was a way to edit these.

  52. 52
    notwithoutmytv
    Posted January 16, 2012 at 6:42 am

    Oh, and I meant “paste”, not “pate”.

  53. 53
    notwithoutmytv
    Posted January 16, 2012 at 6:46 am

    Actually, what would be cool is if somebody could keep a list of all my typos and then post it in the T&T thread at the end of each month, and then I can address them–probably in a different post for each gaff. Then there won’t be any confusion, and we won’t waste any time we might have spent picking on possibly learning-disabled toddlers.

  54. 54
    notwithoutmytv
    Posted January 16, 2012 at 6:50 am

    But I totally don’t care. And I’m not trying to start anything. SO DON’T H8 ME.

  55. 55
    itchy
    Posted January 16, 2012 at 7:47 am

    It’s “baa” not “ba.” Sheesh!

  56. 56
    Marmy
    Posted January 16, 2012 at 7:49 am

    notwithoutmyyv, I made sure all of your transgressions are noted in the record book I’m keeping of grammarilian, punctuable and stylerific offenses made by posters on this board. I didn’t mark you down for not capitalizing NotWithoutMyTV but as a graduate of high school, I struggled with the decision. I finally just decided that it’s neither hear nor their.

  57. 57
    Marmy
    Posted January 16, 2012 at 7:52 am

    Itchy, I’m sorry but literati like myself know hat it’s actually bah.

  58. 58
    Marmy
    Posted January 16, 2012 at 7:54 am

    Itchy, I’m sorry but literati like myself know that It’s actually bah.

  59. 59
    Marmy
    Posted January 16, 2012 at 8:02 am

    Back to the topic of the June At The Bat episode, my family and I were throwing rolls of paper towels at each other last night because we can and my daughter mentioned the level of smartassy evil the camera person had to possess to pan up and take the irrelevant shot.

  60. 60
    Victory
    Posted January 16, 2012 at 8:13 am

    I’m not a psychologist but I play one on TVGASM…notwithoutmytv (henceforth known as nwmt) I believe you have a subconscious desire to eat lamb pate, or find a small cuddly lamb and make your own lamb pate – you sicko. That is my explanation for the whole ‘ba’ ‘pate’ fiasco. Go ahead, tell yourself they were just typos, that is what all baby-sheep eating psychos tell themselves.

  61. 61
    itchy
    Posted January 16, 2012 at 9:45 am

    I’m pretty certain notwithoutmytv chose his nickname specifically because it’s a pain in the ass to type, so don’t push too hard on the caps thing.

  62. 62
    Shana
    Posted January 16, 2012 at 10:39 am

    Laci was such a spoiled brat, with no manners at all. For someone who is so desperate to kill a living thing, you would think she could handle a little raw meat (though why they didn’t think of jerky is beyond me). Laci emerging from the egg–that egg looked more like a silver studded penis (not that I have seen so many silver studded penises, mind you).

    Why didn’t Heaven’s dad wear a real shirt on the stage with her? What was with the t-shirt? Heaven’s family did seem like a sweet bunch; I was most impressed with the way Heaven clapped happily for the grand supreme winner, despite the fact that it wasn’t her.

    I think Alana may have been faking those tears during practice. She seems pretty good at getting what she wants from the family. Why was she so filthy in her last interview? Was all that just from the spray tan? And perhaps the reason she did so poorly is because as soon as she got on the stage, the judges heard a ship horn screaming behind them, “SMILE, BABY!” and “WORK IT SMOOCHIE!” Honestly, these parents screaming behind the judges (or appearing on stage looking rough–Laci’s stepdad), seem to hurt the kid’s chances more then help them.

    The spooky, dead, frozen smiles on the contestant’s faces, and the fingers-to-the-teeth-back-to-the-judges-goodbye kiss at the end of each routine, really freak me out.

    Okay, that is all I got left to say about this episode.

  63. 63
    Clair Clair
    Posted January 16, 2012 at 11:53 am

    Know what really freaks ME out? That picture at the top of the recap – the kid in the pink/black stripes apparently in jail. That look on her face and her pose… it’s just disturbing.

  64. 64
    maryedith
    Posted January 16, 2012 at 1:05 pm

    @Marmy, I think about the evilness of these producers too. One thing that gets me is how they have perfected the technique of leaving the camera on a person’s face after the person has finished talking. When you’ve finished what you wanted to say and a camera stays in your face (presumably with an interviewer staring at you expectantly as well) you can’t help but look a little confused and crazy. Considering the fact that these peeps are already somewhat crazy it seems unnecessarily sneaky on the production team’s part.

  65. 65
    KYJen339
    Posted January 18, 2012 at 8:07 pm

    OMG, OMG, OMG!!! Please hurry with tonight’s recap because Wow!! What a Russian witch!!! I am so disgusted!!

  66. 66
    Shana
    Posted January 19, 2012 at 4:13 am

    @ KYJen339:
    Was that the most recent episode? If not, then did anyone ever cover this episode, because it was a doozie! That Russian Mother–Oh Lordy have mercy, she took being an asshole to a whole new level. I liked the Dad, but how he married someone like that–how anyone would marry someone like that…I have never seen a child berated on camera like that before, especially for something she had no control over (and actually ended up getting a higher score for staying on stage longer). The way that poor girl huddled in the corner, under the table, and with her Teddy, was heartbreaking. Her Mother’s insistence that Mia was on stage shorter than everyone else was, when in fact she had been on the stage longer, her taking the supposed snub by the MC as an attack against Russians in general and her specifically (and how it ruined her life), and the way she sulked at Mia winning second place rather than first, demonstrated how off her rocker she really is. The screaming, “they hate her! She already lose! No matter what, she a loser now. Forever. Forever and ever!”–in front of her children, was utterly revolting.

    The way Both Isys and Mia’s moms were such bad losers, showed such terrible sportsmanship and were selfish in their goals to an extreme that hurt their children, shocked me. It was, as you said KYJen339, disgusting.

    I did like the way the other contestant’s mom tried to teach her daughter how to lose gracefully.

    As for the winner–Meghan–if that girl was eleven I’d send her straight to a hormone specialist. When I first saw her I thought, “Why is that woman in her mid-twenties standing on stage with all those kids? Is she a presenter or something?” Did you see the MUSCLES on that ‘kid’?!? She was tall for an adult, let alone a child.

    So, recappers, when are we going to get a recap of this epi? I am so excited to hear what everyone has to say, because that mother deserves everything any of us could throw at her. Jabba June is a saint next to this…this, see you next tuesday (can’t say it, my mamma taught me better than that. Oh fuck it, that horrible woman deserves it–what a cunt!).

  67. 67
    KYJen339
    Posted January 19, 2012 at 5:50 am

    Shana, yes. That’s the one. I’m just speachless. I can’t place who Jamie Sterling is, but there’s no way she came close to this POS!

  68. 68
    Snootchy Bootches
    Posted January 19, 2012 at 6:01 am

    @Shana – Well I guess I don’t have to watch the next episode now. In future could you please be respectful of others and NOT put spoilers in recaps. If you must or you will die, please at least put a warning. Thanks.

  69. 69
    Shana
    Posted January 19, 2012 at 6:39 am

    My sincerest apologies @Snootchy Bootches (and anyone else), I thought the one with Mckenzie (?) or two siblings was the newest episode. I watch the shows late, well after their first viewing, and I couldn’t tell which one was the repeat and which one was the new episode. I honestly went back to 2009 posts looking for the recap on this episode. I got my new T&T and old T&T all mixed up. I didn’t think that anyone would really even read the post (other than KYJen339), since this is not the latest recap on the board and most people don’t go back to the old ones when a new one is posted. In any event, there is still plenty to see, despite my ruining the original plot line with all the secrets I revealed–horrible mom, possibly horrible kids, nobody is happy and we make fun of all the parents crazy pageant obsession and unfit parenting. Try not to be too angry, it wasn’t like I gave away the ending to The Sixth Sense–which someone in the audience did when I went to see it. The guy guessed the ending and then whispered it LOUDLY to the person sitting next to him and the whole audience booed him. So, mia culpa, I take full responsibility and will be more careful in the future, but I do wonder why you would continue reading my post the moment I mentioned a Russian Mother–if you didn’t want to read any spoilers?

  70. 70
    Snootchy Bootches
    Posted January 19, 2012 at 6:53 am

    @Shana – Um… you can’t make a sincere apology and then say it is that person’s fault. It makes the apology null and void. What you should have done is just say sorry and leave it at that. Instead, you just behaved like a giant bitch. I don’t care what your motivations are or what you think I should or should not have done. DON’T POST SPOILERS. It isn’t too complicated.

  71. 71
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted January 19, 2012 at 6:59 am

    Shana, I’m reading all the old T&T recaps ’cause they are so much fun. When I am motivated I catch snippits on YouTube to see who Crabby is talking about (I desperately need a life. Anybody have a spare?) What is the title of the epi with the Mad Russian?

  72. 72
    Moli Moli
    Posted January 19, 2012 at 7:18 am

    @Shana, many of the readers of the T & T recaps live abroad or in Canada. So longer readers know not to mention too much in regards to the newest episodes. I also had to learn not to jumping the gun. Believe me I want to talk about it as well, but the episode is less than 24 hours old. By this being an old recap readers think it is safe to read the comment section. I’m in no way attacking you as I have said I have been in your shoes.

  73. 73
    itchy
    Posted January 19, 2012 at 7:20 am

    To be fair, if the episode’s been out for more than a couple of days, it really is up to us to avoid finding out what happened if we haven’t watched it yet (although it’s helpful if the recappers don’t put the names of the winners/losers in the title of the recap). I have to do this all the time, since I don’t live in the States and always watch the shows later than the rest of you.

    The worst though are people who insist on spoiling an entire season, but I guess that can’t really happen with this show.

  74. 74
    Snootchy Bootches
    Posted January 19, 2012 at 7:43 am

    Itchy, I agree and if I haven’t seen the episode yet, I avoid the recap of it. But a previous recap should be safe. It shouldn’t be my responsibility to avoid the spoiler posted as Shana has put forth.

    Moli, I agree that mistakes get made. We all make them. But how we handle our mistakes show a lot about us. I am sure you just apologized and everyone moved on. But apologizing and then blaming the person you just gave the apology to is an asshole move. ;)

  75. 75
    Shana
    Posted January 19, 2012 at 6:34 pm

    Sorry Snootchy Bootches; if you ever decide to watch the newest episode, you may understand where my hostility may have been coming from. It was never aimed at you. I will try to do as you asked. Thank you Itchy and Moli for explaining the problem more clearly.

  76. 76
    Maudtherriault
    Posted January 19, 2012 at 8:47 pm

    Shana, I haven’t seen the latest episode either, but when I saw your post it wasn’t that hard to just skip over it.

  77. 77
    Shana
    Posted January 19, 2012 at 9:14 pm

    @ Maudtherriault: ☺

  78. 78
    Michelle
    Posted August 6, 2012 at 11:37 am

    I’m a pageant aunt, but these are absolutely hilarious!

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