Toddlers & Tiaras Recap: Jamie Sterling’s Got Competition!

This is a man, right?

Hoooly crap, who would have guessed that the second season finale/final bonus episode of Toddlers & Tiaras would have provided a Jamie Sterling personality doppelganger?  Well, I guess we all would have, that’s kind of what this show is about – nutcase mothers.  And in this case, the star is an eating-disordered, tightly-wound, first-class bitch.  But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Tami Shomper is the pageant director of the Storybook Pageant in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania.  “In the fairytale world, everyone wants a happy ending,” she says.  Yeah, we mostly focus on one ugly and evil mom in this show.  She says everyone wants to take home a crown but not everyone will.  That seems the antithesis to every pageant we’ve ever seen where participation awards are de rigueur.  We also see footage of why some of these people are not taking home the crown. Fug-leeeee.

The lipstick in her bikini top is the least of her problems.

Speaking of crowns, ultimate grand supreme is a 14” Cinderella crown that is being given away along with a 7’ tall trophy and giant teddy bear.  Oh and $200 in cash (worst prize EVER).  Hope whoever wins didn’t bring a Smart Car (it’s a car and coffin all in one!), nothing will fit.

First up is Dalmatia, Pennsylvania (ironic it’s named after the 101 Dalmatians storybook concept, eh?), we meet the Sterlings 2.0, with Carley, age 5 and total and complete f#cknut mom, Melissa.  Her proudest trophy is the one she won for Pageant Mom.  I bet the first word of that title was “Bitchiest,” but they don’t actually show us the trophy up close.

Mommy’s going on a fast until you win ultimate grand supreme…are you going to finish that booger?

“I believe that behind every great pageant girl is a great pageant mom,” she says.  Then what are you?  Melissa promises Carley if she does her routines well, she will buy her a kitty.  Which she will probably end up setting on fire if Carley doesn’t do well in pageants.

Then the storybook takes a turn for the weird.  She asks Carley who she becomes when she gets all made up and she says, “Darley!”  Turns out she becomes Darla or Darley as a pageant girl.  I know we’ve seen this before but it seemed weird – very Sybil-ish – and during the rest of the episode you can kind of see why she might want an alter-ego.

“Darla is a diva,” Carley says.  “Carley goes away and Darla comes out.”  This screams multiple personality disorder.  When does she become Stabby, the girl with no mother?  That kid I could get behind.

“If I don’t win, I’m gonna be pissed,” Carley says.  What five year old says that?  I would have been so busted if I had said that as a kid.  Of course, now I swear like a sailor.  Melissa doesn’t even reprimand her.  Great parenting.

She’s a beauty and I must know what conditioner she uses.

Next up is in Utica, New York, where we meet 9 year old Alessondra, who is absolutely adorable and sort of reminds me of the actress in The Lovely Bones.  Mom Alane reminds me of The Real Housewives of the 1980s.  Seriously – big hair, big jewelry, too much tanning bed use and Flashdance-inspired clothes.  She needs a What Not to Wear intervention stat and a dermatologist who specializes in skin cancer (it’s coming, Alana!).  Having said that, she is an excellent mother.  Sort of the Anti-Melissa.

FRANKIE SAYS the 80s are over.

“My miracle child Alessondra is my very own happily-ever after,” Alana says.  Ooh!  I love backstories!  Judging by Alana’s age (unless it’s the tanning bed aging her – which is also a factor), I’m guessing someone was an IVF baby – and she was!  And so was Arabella, her sister, who had been frozen for 8 years after the first IVF procedure, then was thawed out and implanted.  Kind of like Canadians each spring.  “We call her our ‘frozen chosen,’” Alana laughs.

Alana says that because her daughters were really never meant to be, she “pours” herself into raising them.  Which is both nice but also probably exhausting.  Alana is very supportive as Alessondra practices, calling her “perfect” and saying “she rocks” her modeling.

Dude, seriously, you’re an adult.  Time to put the college clothes away.

Finally, in Columbia, Maryland, we meet the hairiest kid of the episode, Berkeley, 4, who is clearly named after her Dad’s wardrobe.

Dian Fossey is spinning in her grave for missing this specimen.

Mom Kirsten is clearly unfamiliar with the ShamBrow™ because Berkeley has a unibrow like nobody’s business.  Also creeping onto her face is her thick, dark hair.  I weep for her future bikini waxer.  No tip would be worth that.

The elusive chimp girl evades our view again!

Berkeley is kind of odd and says, “I love pageants!  I love mlah, mlah, mlah.”  Look, I know she’s four, but why does she seem like dementia has kicked in?

Schmaybe.

As Berkely practices being the witch in Hansel & Gretel, Kirsten admits that she’s the more competitive of the two.  That’s because four year olds really don’t get that concept completely.  Kirsten loves pageants for the theatrics and that she can turn Berkeley into her own little monkey.  She says she always has pageants on the brain.  That would explain why you don’t have hair remover on it.

Back in Nutsville, Carley doesn’t want to practice and Melissa says, “But all the other girls are!”  If all the other girls were jumping in the river, would you want Carley to?

And here we go.  “Both Carley and I take pageants very seriously,” Melissa says.  Have you met your daughter?  How seriously can a kid take things?

Carley says no, she doesn’t want to practice, and under her breath (because she doesn’t realize the mics nowadays are really, really good), Melissa spats to Carley, “You are going to be a very sorry girl.”  So Carley agrees.  “Your iPod will be gone.”

Melissa admits she has spent probably thirty thousand dollars on pageants and she kind of winces when she says it.  What does that tell you, Melissa?

“Get started!” Melissa says and Carley still fights her, “GET STARTED,” she says, still smiling but through gritted teeth.  She tells us that Carley is “as close to an exact replica of me as there could ever be, and I feel that her and I are the same person, we live the same life and we’re best friends and I just feel like that is me onstage.”  Wow, that is like a psychiatrist’s lifelong project!

Melissa tells Carley they are doing Cruella Deville (wonder where she gets her inspiration, the MIRROR?) and Carley says no.  Still not comprehending the concept of good microphones and probably kicking herself when she watched this episode, Melissa goes over to the couch where Carley is sitting, lowers her voice and unleashes the meanest part of her cerebral cortex:

“We are on camera.  Don’t you dare tell me “no” one more time.  Do you hear me?  We are on national TV.  Everybody’s going to see this.”  We are also going to HEAR IT, Melissa.  Now she wants to see the Cruella Deville run-through.

And I swear to God I will suck you dry of every drop of blood.

Carley says, “You are driving me crazy.”  Wonder if everyone watching national television (really just basic cable) heard that?

Back in Utica, Alessondra admits this is actually her first glitz pageant and you can tell they don’t have a clue by the dress they purchased for the event.  Alana found the dress in a consignment shop for $9 and is thrilled because she considers herself frugal.  Honestly, the dress could work if they tailored it to FIT and to be a pageant dress.  Right now, it’s sort of a too-big prom dress, and for the love of Annette Hill, is that a HOOP?  Turns out it was the “slip” Alana wore under her wedding dress.  OMG, please show those photos – please!  They don’t.  Damn!

Major rookie mistake…MAJOR.

I’m with Alana when she says that when she hears someone spent $1800 on a pageant dress, she thinks of all the little kids she could have fed for that (I just replace “kids” with “dogs” to make it more palatable).  Alessondra does know that most of the girls have the cupcake dresses and hers is long. I still think it’s okay – she’s 9 so she’s on the cusp of moving into the long dress, but they really need to find a tailor to make sure it fits and get rid of the hoop.  The dress is just too big on her.  But you know I loves me some hot pink and sparkle!

Alana calls Alessondra a “mini-me” and she says the way she dresses herself is how she ends up dressing her daughter for pageants.  Oh no!  NO! NO! NO! NO! NOOOO!  That’s just too much.  Toooooo much.  Pull back a notch, Alana!

We’re at the salon with Berkeley and her family and in case we’ve gone all Tommy deaf-dumb-and-blind on them, dad wore his Berkeley sweatshirt.  Rebel!  If you really were a Berkeley guy, you’d eschew the establishment and NEVER wear branded items.  Also, great to see where she gets her never-ending hairline.

Berkeley is there for a trim and apparently is unfamiliar with scissors.  Mom doesn’t help by saying they just want a tiny trim.  A tiny, tiny, tiny little bit cut off.  Why didn’t you just stay home then?

The stylist makes one cut and Berkeley says, “Ow.”  She keeps saying it hurts but the lady is only pulling her hair back to comb it.  Chill.  Berkeley doesn’t like getting her hair brushed and she begins to cry and whine and beg to be killed.  She cries she wants to go home, she wants to leave and that she thought this was going to be fun.  You should see it from the stylist’s point of view!

Cutting the nerves in my hair hurts…oh wait…

Kirsten says when she saw Berkeley in the chair it was “so sad…and I just wanted to make it stop!”  Your kid isn’t being molested, she’s getting a haircut.  If you can’t counsel her through a simple haircut, what the hell kind of adult is she going to turn out to be?  Talk about a lawnmower parent…you’re like a f#cking John Deere tractor!

Berkeley cries that she never wants to come back to the salon again.  The stylist breathes a sign of relief.  After, Berkeley tells us she’s never getting another haircut again.  Yeah, I have a colleague like that and boy does “Crystal Gayle” look professional when she’s digging knots out of her locks during strategy meetings.

Melissa brings Carley into the salon for “hair and nails,” and seriously, when is the last time Melissa ate, 2003?  She is emaciated.

And I love how she’s dragging Carley in there.

“I believe what Carley loves most about pageants the most is the unity it has between her and I,” Melissa says. I don’t even know where to start in telling you what’s wrong with that sentence, both in general and grammatically.  Believe away, Melissa, believe away…

The stylist asks Carley if she’s excited about the pageant and Carley grunts out an “uh-uh,” because clearly she’s really not all that into the “unity.”  Then Melissa asks her if she’s excited and she shakes her head no.

“She’s definitely more excited about the glitz part of it and less about the competition.  She wants to be glitzed up,” Melissa says.  Do you even listen to your kid?

At the salon, Carley is having highlights put in which is awful on a kid who is five.  That is just going to ruin her hair.  The stylist says they are going to get rid of that “dark stuff” (her roots!) and Carley laments that she wants it her normal color.  Poor kid.  Her hair looks completely fried in one of the shots, too.

Deep condition ain’t fixing this hot mess.

Then the worst…Melissa asks if she’s going to have fun at the pageant.  “Are you going to have fun with your friends?” and Carley responds, “I don’t have any friends.”  Now you know how I feel about kids – I can’t stand them to my core – however this just broke my heart.  How could you have friends with a mother like this?  Could you imagine finger painting at their house?

“I believe that the support and ambition and motivation on my part is definitely a huge factor going into Carley’s success,” Melissa says.  Again, believe away.  Also, have you considered your kid’s happiness in any of this?  Didn’t her comment about not having any friends cause you any kind of pause?

Back in Utica, Alana says they usually only use a little mascara and a little gloss because they do natural pageants (which honestly, they should keep to – Alessondra is a real beauty and I’d kill for that hair…I’d especially kill Melissa).  But now they are going to “step it up a little bit.”  But Alessondra thought she’d get the spray tan, the fake eyelashes, and Alana, being a good mother, put her foot down on that nonsense.  I really love this mom.

Alana rubs bronzer on Alessondra as she interviews glitz pageants can get out of control.  Oh, so you ARE familiar with the show and the crazy pageant moms who spend a college education on sparkles.  She asks what are the judges in the glitz pageant judging – how much fake attire each child has?  Yes, Alana, that is exactly what they are judging when they aren’t having pedophilic fantasies about the kids.

Warrior paint may also be a newbie mistake.

Alana puts a minimum of makeup on Alessondra (although could that mascara clump any more?  How old is it?) and she looks beautiful.  Alana really gets it and she’s a great mom.

Holy shit, the gorilla has a pageant coach, Miss Ashley.  Let’s see how this goes.  Berkeley blows kisses and does fancy feet.  Their pug is sitting next to a pillow with a pug stitched on it, looking absolutely fascinated that the little girl of the house has more hair than he does.

Monkey see – monkey do!

Berkeley wants to “relax a little” and even though they want her to practice, she flops on the floor and then flops on the couch…back on the floor and she’s rolling around and someone says she could do a caveman routine, probably because she has the right amount of hair.  Then she rolls around and yells some more and watch out!  I think she’s throwing feces and oo-oo-ooing.

Melissa has their dressmaker over explaining to Carley that they are doing full glitz.  Carley really doesn’t care.  Melissa says they had the dress custom-made because they needed to “step up” their game (get used to that phrase) and she’d do anything to give her daughter that edge.

It doesn’t matter what you want, only what MOMMY wants.

Melissa says when Carley gets onstage she doesn’t know if she can pull it off, “But she becomes a different person.”  She has to because she hates you and pageants!  She has to compartmentalize who she is to please her malnourished and bat-shit crazy mother.  Seriously, where is dad in all this?  Probably at the bar with Jamie Sterling’s husband.

Back with Alana, she is getting the kids ready to leave for the pageant and wow, that’s a lot of leopard print in that bedroom.  It’s on the floor, bed, pillows, curtains and on her youngest frozen chosen.  You should really use it as an accessory because honey, it ain’t a neutral.

Alana continues to give us her philosophy on how little girls should look like little girls and not tarted up whores (my words), but I’m starting to wonder if you really believe that, why are you putting your kid in a glitz pageant?  I mean, you must be getting something out of this.  You are kind of setting her up for failure, aren’t you?

Pageant day in the rocking metropolis of Harrisburg, Pennsylvania!  What a pretty city.  Pageant Director Tami says she’d like to say it’s all about fun but everyone is there to win.  And that’s so not fun.

OMG…did she just lose her virginity?

Berkeley is having her hair rolled so you know it’s crisis time. She is crying up a storm and it is totally hilarious that one of the rollers is pretty much on her forehead.  You know they have Epiladys for that, right?

Or…OR…you could NOT have kids at all and spend your Saturdays sleeping in.

Berkeley croaks out that she needs medicine and Kirsten interviews, “This is going to be awesome.  I can feel it,” and she laughs as Berkeley comes up to her, gets on her lap and says, “I’m sick for the pageant.”  Holy shit, take that poor kid home before she chokes on a snot-soaked hairball.  “I just want to go to bed,” she says.  How about instead we make you dress up and then parade you around like a trained poodle all the live long day?  That should clear that head cold.

What? We have no bananas?  We have no bananas today?

Through snot-filled crying, she screams, “I wanna go home!”  OH MY GOD take your sick kid home!  Just because you paid the fee does not mean you have to stay there.  I mean, I realize you drove from Maryland which is a HUGE 90 minute drive, but GO BACK.

“Berkeley right now is not feeling so good,” Kirsten interviews, “so we’re not sure we’re going to continue.”  I bet she’s not feeling well, either, and you shouldn’t continue.  It will be an exhausting day to you both and she could just get sicker.  Then all you’ll have left is a pile of hair like in the shower drain.

Carley is getting ready and says she doesn’t want the eyelashes put on.  The makeup artist says let’s try them and see and if you don’t we can take them off.  Carley doesn’t like them but they are going to keep them on.  Way to lie to a kid.  That’s actually my favorite sport.

Because you won’t wear your eyelashes, mommy needs to vomit.

“Darla is just starting to make an appearance,” Melissa interviews.  You do know the bulky sweaters don’t hide your bony body, it just enhances the boniness, right?  “And hopefully she doesn’t leave until we’re in the car on the way home.”  So basically you don’t want your daughter around anymore than she wants to be around you?  That unity thing is really amazing.

Carley starts asking about the cat and Melissa is like FINE, we will find some way to get you a cat.  She’s not getting a cat.  Could you imagine the fights Melissa and the cat would have?  Me-ow.

Melissa does that creepy scary angry whispering thing, “If you want the cat, you’ll wear them.  Then I’ll get you the cat.”  Carley looks a little scared of her mother.  Be afraid, be very afraid.  The cat should be too.

Alane is doing Alessondra’s hair and makeup and says they practiced enough times at home that things should be fine.  Unfortunately, the really don’t have it down and Alane admits she’s terrible at this as she smears charcoal colored shadow on her beautiful daughter.  “It’s like being an artist,” she says, “and I’m terrible at art.”  Good thing you are in charge of the artwork!

Wow…clumpy!

Alana totally schmears mascara all over Alessondra’s eye area as she explains they didn’t have a makeup or hair person or a coach.  Believe me, we know.  I get it, but again, you are really setting your kid up for failure.  Keep her in natural pageants.

Berkeley sneezes and says she’s feeling better.  Mostly because all of the snot is now on the floor instead of in her head.  She whines about her eyelashes and Kirsten interviews that this is the third time they’ve used fake eyelashes and their success rate is 1%.  So she wore them for how many minutes?

The makeup artists rips the eyelashes off of Berkeley and Kirsten interviews the judges may deduct points for her not having them.  How about slathering mascara on them, I’m sure Alessondra’s face has enough on it to loan out.

I’ve got your nose!  Oh, and those pesky eyelashes!

Melissa is bitching at Carley to stay still and let Melissa do the work, all Carley has to do is do what she does best onstage.  Carley has her knees curled up into her chest as she says, “I want you to call me Darla.”  Then she says, “Carley’s in the car.”  The transformation and personality change has happened.  Mission accomplished.  And total creep factor accomplished too.

Carley no longer exists…welcome Miguel Sanchez!

Still with her knees curled up, Carley says, “I said, ‘Carley, you have to stay home’ and Carley said, ‘All right.’”  Uh.  Oh my God.  That is scary.  Totally scary!

Carley/Darla says her wig is the longest in the pageant and Melissa says as a result, her smile has to be big too, otherwise, “I’ll make you wear the short wig.”  What the hell kind of threat is that?  Then she admits she’s nervous and tells us on pageant days she rarely sleeps, eats or goes to the bathroom.  Yeah, you rarely need to defecate if you don’t actually ingest any food.  Crazy how that works.

Beauty competition is first and it sucks to have little kids competing with adults.  Also, some of the people in this completion are really ugly, I’m sorry but they are.

I’m sorry, where did you go to school again?

Berkeley has a family group hug and she seems to be doing better.  When she gets onstage, she is still pretty hairy, the dress color is sort of a burnt beige and she’s very stiff.  This kid is not really attractive right now (we can hope for the best) and she should consider being a Lord of the Rings basement-dweller through puberty, I’m guessing.

And the color of her dress is…Morgue Flesh!

Melissa is telling Carley/Darla, “You have to do good, got it?  You have to do good.”  You might also consider doing well, or just screw up so your tightly-wound mommy can disparage you some more.  It’s what keeps her thin.  Well, that and denying herself food/throwing up what she does eat.

Malnutrition seizures are awful, they really are.

Carley gets onstage and she’s okay.  It does sort of seem like she’s having an out-of-body experience, like she’s someone else.  She has this weird chicken-thing she’s doing where she leans back but sticks her head out then pulls everything back together.  Add a “bock-bock” and she’s got my flock down pat!

Melissa frowns and shakes her head as soon as Carley comes off the stage and we hear music of doom.  Oh no!  What could she have done that was so egregious?

Melissa throws her bag over her shoulder (be careful, your bones are probably brittle!) and she storms out with Carley behind her.  She turns and says, “YOU WENT WAY TOO FAST.”  Bitch, please.

You sucked so badly, I’m ready to pull my back-up Carley out of my enormous bag.

She interviews that she was sure they were done with the pageant because Carley went way too fast, then she ironically turns and tells Carley to “step it up.”  Maybe Carley is just confused because you keep saying the same thing and expecting it to mean something different.

“I mean it!” she says as Carley finally catches up to her.  “Go into that restaurant.  We’re getting you a Mountain Dew.  You’ve GOT TO STEP IT UP.”  Yes, because if you don’t want her to go to fast, give her Mountain Dew, you stupid bitch!  Melissa?  HATE.

Carley asserts herself and says she doesn’t need one and when Melissa snots back she does, Carley grabs her mother’s hand and says, “NO I DON’T!”  Wow.  Carley starts to cry and says, “I don’t need one!”  Melissa bends down and says, “It ends right here.  You went way too fast onstage,” then she chokes up and finishes, “that was your beauty, Carley.”  Carley defends herself once again and says, “I didn’t go fast.”  Melissa storms off with Carley chasing her.  “It ends right here”?  Are you kidding me with that?

Is there a kid SPCA, because I think we’ve got their print ad.  Foster care never looked so appealing.

Where do you begin in talking about what a horrible mother Melissa is?  I mean, she is RIGHT UP THERE with Jamie Sterling in how badly she’s treating her daughter.  This woman is horrible, her kid hates pageants, probably hates her (I know I do and I don’t have to live with her!), and it’s no wonder Melissa has an eating disorder, she’s trying to control things beyond her control.  Woman needs some time on the couch and Carley should spend time with a nice relative who actually liked kids.  Melissa just likes having Carley as a mini-me she can use to chase her own dreams.  Awful, awful mother and person.  Bet she doesn’t have any friends either.

Alana tells her friend that she could never be a judge because all the girls were so beautiful.  She admits that she felt Alessondra was a big competitor until she got here and saw what they were up against.  I still think Alessondra could kid any of these girls’ asses, but there were some virgin mistakes Alana made.

Speaking of which, here comes Alessondra in the too-big dress.  If it fit and had a cupcake skirt, she’d be fine.  She is very pretty and poised onstage and looks very confident, but I don’t think the judges can get past the dress.  Alessondra says the middle judge gave her “the eye.”  It was probably aimed at the dress.

She looks full of helium…hope she doesn’t float away.

Two fat ugly judges both say the dress was not good.  But they are fat and ugly and are probably just jealous that even with a hoop, Alessondra was thinner than they both were.  Next time, judges, don’t make raspberries when talking about Alessondra, got it?

Fugly judge makes her klassy opinion known.  Go get a bloomin’ onion, bitch.

Alana says they didn’t “raise the glitz bar enough.”  I would actually be proud of that if I were you.  Your kid is fine.

So now it’s storybook time, where kids can dress like their favorite story/movie/DVD/fictitious character.  Melissa tells Carley she loves her fishnets and Carley says, “Yes, but they aren’t appropriate.”  Ha!  This kid is way smarter than her mother.

Melissa says that she sleep-deprived Carley until they had the Cruella DeVille character perfected.  “I’m thinking she’s going to pull it off,” Melissa says, but Carley is saying something off-camera and Melissa turns on her like a snake and says, “Shuuush!”  It’s MOMMY’S 15 minutes, not yours!

Carley is bitching and moaning and crying because her wig is itchy.  She begs for them to take the wig off, but her mother is Melissa so we know exactly where that wig stays.

Alessondra is getting ready as Jasmine but she’s worried about the party popper because they got an extra large one.  Thatswhatshesaid.

First up is Berkeley.  Is she going as the big bad werewolf?  No, she just gets onstage and dances around and takes her cape off…are they supposed to guess who she is?  Kirsten says she’s not giving her best.  Liza Minnelli judge says Berkeley needs more practice and a smile.  She needs a shave, too.

The hills are alive with the sound of zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Melissa continues to see you next Tuesday when Carley leans against her basket of stuffed dogs and says she wants to go to sleep and she responds, “When you’re done, I don’t care what you do then.”  I hope she stabs you, Melissa.

Carley gets onstage and dances all over the place.  Melissa is directly behind the judges going crazy with the routine (that would get so freakin’ annoying as a judge) and Carley doesn’t take her eyes off Mommie Dearest.  Judge Liza M no likey… “I’d rather have a child do less well and look at me than be constantly coached and look at the mother behind me.”  What’s worse is Melissa is starting to go totally P90X Plyo on us, jumping all around like a Jack Russell terrier in heat.  “It really annoys me,” Judge Liza says.

OMG really?

Oh, I see…you scratch her back…

Microphone or vertebrae trying to escape?  Hard to tell

Why don’t YOU just compete for Christ’s sake?

As she gets off the stage, Carley rubs her eyes except OH MY GOD NO!  Melissa snots, “She ripped her eyelashes off onstage!”  Say it ain’t so!  No wonder there is no peace in the Middle East!  “What possessed you to rip them off onstage?!?!?!”  She snots to Carley.  Uh, because they were uncomfortable and the routine was done?

Now she can’t move quickly enough.  Make up your damn mind, Melissa.

“Carley’s personality has been a roller coaster,” Melissa interviews. That is because you are an abusive mother and she’s still too young to have completely figured out what she needs to do to make you stop verbally abusing her.

“In all the time we’ve been doing pageants, what would possess you to do that?”  Uh, she’s five?  And uncomfortable?  And she hates pageants?  AND YOU?  Carley says it was because they weren’t all the way on and Melissa says, “Not good enough,” and walks away, and that’s what it is:  Carley is never good enough because deep down Melissa thinks she’s not good enough, hence the reason she is wound so tightly and has the eating disorder.  Bet her mother was just as awesome.

The judge says that, “Carley had it put together today,” and says she didn’t notice that she had ripped off her eyelashes.  Melissa, however, thinks differently.  “Don’t think that went unnoticed,” she says to Carley.  Well it did, bitch.

Because this is who is doing the judging.  ‘Nuff said.

Alane disappoints me by asking her entourage to “pray that this goes off.”  Oh, Alane, you should know better than to use the Lord for your gain.  It’s as bad as spending $1800 on a dress instead of food for kids who need it.  They pray that the extra-large party popper goes off.  Believe me, if he watches this show, he will.

Alessondra gets onstage and does a great routine and the Lord smites her by not letting the extra-large party popper go off.  He must be spreading more disease in Africa.  Alessondra blows it off and continues her routine and all is well.  Hugging her mother after the “incident,” Alane shows what a great mom she is by looking on the bright side.  “Because the popper didn’t go off, you were able to do three more cartwheels, two more walkovers and another split, which was much more fascinating than a popper.”  Well done, Alane, well done.  Have you met Melissa?  She needs some tutoring in the good-mothering area.  I think she could learn a lot from you.  Start by feeding her.

Also?  Yee-ouch.

The judges notice that Alessondra is confident – Judge Raspberry says clearly something that was supposed to work didn’t, but Alessondra just kept going like nothing bothered her, which was impressive.  “Professional…didn’t cry, didn’t stomp her feet…very nice.”  Yes she is.

Crowning!  Oh my God, the pageant director is wearing jeans.  Are you new, dumbass?

Carley is watching the babies getting crowned and Melissa leans over and says, “I wish I did this when you were a baby, seriously.  I wish you started when you were born.”  Because she would be better than you think she is by now?  HATE!

Alane tells Alessondra, “Just know you did an incredibly awesome job.  It doesn’t matter if you don’t get anything.”  I might not have added that last part, but I get her point.

Berkeley and Carley’s group is up and Berkeley’s dad says it’s hard to say what’s going to happen.  What has happened, Berkeley sweatshirt, is that she’s inherited your face.  It’s not a bad one, but it’s awfully mannish for a little girl.  Start saving for electrolysis.

Hey, can you recommend a good school?

Third place is…not our girls!  Second place is…not our girls!  First place beauty queen winner is…Berkeley.  Wow.  The other girls were a combination of really ugly and pulling out for higher crowns.

Hard to believe she beat out the girl next to her.

Berkeley says she knows she made her parents proud.  Aww.  Now go home to Dr. Zaius and see if he can give you something for that cold.

Once she picks off the bug, she’ll eat it or share it with other members of the clan.

Melissa continues her descent into F#cknut City as she says, “Both Carley and I today were feeling pretty down about her routines” (it was really just YOU, Melissa, Carley continues to hang on to whatever self-esteem she has left at this point).  Carley says, “I don’t deserve a trophy.”  Well, there goes that last shred, I guess.  Then it gets even worse.

“I think maybe we might be a little hard…on ourselves with this…and maybe we’re a little too critical on what’s going on onstage,” Melissa says.  “Maybe that’s one thing, we’re modest.”  Is Carley even listening?

It’s all about US so thank God we’re so modest.

She continues to interview that, “It was kind of like a mutual understanding that we didn’t think it was her best day but it wasn’t her worst day.”  What the hell are you talking about?  The conversations you’ve had with your kid have been one-way only and mostly you just criticizing her over and over and over again.  The only mutual understanding is everyone who is watching you on TV now hates your guts.

Then back with Carley she says, “Everybody tells me you’re so good, but we’re just critical.  That’s a good thing, though.”  Clearly having someone in your life be critical has helped you achieve the weight of a Barbie.  “We don’t have huge egos.  We always strive for better.”  You are kind of bragging so that ego seems pretty healthy in size.  She.  Is.  Awful.  And really needs some time on the couch.

Now it’s Alessondra’s time onstage and she really looks out of place with the other girls and their short dresses.  Fourth place beauty winner…Alessondra!  Aw, man.  She says she would like to have done better and she probably does in natural.  I think the dress is what screwed her up, to be honest.  If she had a smaller dress, she would have kicked ass.  She says she wants to go back to natural pageants.  Meh!  It really wasn’t her fault.

Highway robbery!  Hate the dress, not the player.  And the dress was sort of cool.

Time for supreme crowning…overall talent…not Carley!  Mini-supreme…not Carley!  Grand Supreme 0-5 is…Carley!  Melissa says, “OH…MY…GOD!”

Careful, someone might throw some food in there.

At least you don’t have to berate her all the way home, just most of the way.

Guess she DIDN’T go too fast, did she?  Melissa mouths, “I love you” to Carley but bitch, too little too late.  That kid has your number and it’s 666.

Now…

Melissa interviews their ultimate goal was the ultimate grand supreme, but says they are humble people (my ass) and they don’t expect more than what they deserve.  You deserve a swift kick in the head for how badly you treated your daughter.  Verbal abuse is just as bad as physical abuse, and your words are unbelievably mean.

And you are still a loser in mommy’s eyes.

“Today I guess we were a little more modest about the routines than the judges thought,” she says.  I don’t think you truly understand the word modest.

And you are holding your crown COMPLETELY wrong.

Alane says their first glitz pageant was a learning experience and keeping Alessondra more natural may not have worked in their favor.  Again, I think it was the beauty dress, not how she looked, because she’s a beauty with just a little makeup.

Kirsten says their overall experience was good then flat-out lies and says, “Our day went so well,” then she re-thinks that, crinkles her nose and says, “I mean, well okay, that’s a lie.”  Then she says, “There was essence of trainwreck in myself today.”  Essence of Trainwreck is Lindsay Lohan’s new fragrance, right?

Guess you’re gonna see what really happened so lying is out of the question.

Carley interviews that after this pageant she wants to take a long break from pageants because she’s had enough of pageants (and her mother).  Melissa completely doesn’t get it and says that going forward to the next pageant that she and Carley need to not be so critical but that they probably will be anyway.  I hope you see what really happened once you watch this show.  You were the only one critical of Carley – she’s actually okay with herself.  Now go take a laxative before you accidentally digest the air.

What do you think of Melissa’s mothering?

As far as I can tell (via the DVR upcoming shows), that should be it, but you never know what Essence of Trainwreck T&T has in its coffers…thoughts on Melissa?  Did she top Jamie Sterling or not?  This one is a toss-up.

M – I – C…See you next Tuesday!