Toddlers & Tiaras: The Making of Hugh Jackman 2.0

The Southern Celebrity Mini-National pageant makes a huge detour and lands in Chicago on this episode of Toddlers & Tiaras.  We’re back with Pageant Director Maxine who tells us Illinois pageants are mostly natural – probably because they are occurring outside of Chicago.  You know what they call Illinois without Chicago?  IOWA.

Anyhoo, Maxine seems happier than we’ve seen her before, maybe she got married and got her mother off her back, or maybe she’s still rockin’ the buzz from the sangria over at Café Iberico. She gives us this shit about pageants being about the “best smile” and “biggest personality” when we all know it’s about looks and money.  Just like real life.

Looks like someone got her MRS degree!

Over in Homer, Illinois, we see a lot of chickens peckin’ and cluckin’ we meet 7 year old Savannah who is missing her top teeth, which is totally cool.  Mom Shanna tells us Savannah is “back to take the pageant world by storm.”  She says Savannah won about $50,000 in over 1000 pageants, but left the pageant circuit at the tender age of 5.  Turns out Savannah lost and said she didn’t want to do pageants anymore.  First of all, quitter.  Second, good luck in the workforce.

Savannah says losing a pageant makes her feel “very, very bad about myself.”  I thought these pageants were all about self-esteem?  Enjoy bulimia!

I’m totally trying this at work on Monday.

In Valparaiso, Indiana, the last stop before hitting the Gary, Indiana (a.k.a. Blade Runner city) then Chicago, we meet mom Kim who says her daughter Sydney, 6, is going to steal the show.  Sydney immediately has a meltdown while practicing, whines and cries, they start over, then she does a backbendy move and barely hits her head and she needs an icepack.  Kids are so fragile these days.  Remember when we used to ride bikes sans helmets and rode in the front seat of cars without seatbelts OR airbags.  Kids today are pussies.  And obviously living longer.

You BARELY touched the damn floor, drama queen.

Kim says Sydney has the nickname of “title stealer,” but I wonder if that includes outside of your house?  She bemoans the fact there aren’t a lot of pageants in Indiana.

And their Beauty Wear competition suuuucks.

“Everybody looks at me because I’m pretty and I’m cute,” Sydney says.  Beauty is fleeting, kid, but stupid is forever.  Hit the books so when your boobs hit your knees, people still want to know you.

Sydney says people don’t like it when she goes to other states and takes titles and Kim says, “There are a lot of haters out there,” then she does her signature move of looking at the floor after a quick laugh.  Did someone coach you before filming?  You did not seem comfortable about making that assertion.

Even I don’t believe what I’m saying.

In Bay City, Michigan, which damn, it’s cold up there, we meet mom Tori and her “pageant prince” Brock who is 7 and already knows how to do the wink and finger-gun move.

Well, okay, it’s more of a squint.

Brock describes himself as a diva which is code for what the hell is going on at this house?  He and his mother practiced his dance routines and this kid is really good.  “He likes his glitz, he likes his sparkle, he’d like to do Broadway,” Tori tells us.  This kid is AWESOME.  His high-kick is amazing.

And now we know where he gets it.

Tori and Brock both bemoan the fact there aren’t more pageants for boys but he deals with it by “being one of the girls.”  He is going to kick ass in drama in high school and every girl will want to hang with him and tell her all of her boy problems.

Brock says he wants to take Lexie and Rebecca, his two blurred-faced dolls, to the pageant with him.  He says they his only friends when he doesn’t have his real friends over. Tori says not only does he love to dress up his dolls but he went as Dorothy for Halloween.  That costume rocks.

Now shake it like Judy Garland, baby!

Tori says Brock has always had something in him to be his own person, “And that’s Brock.  If anyone has a problem with it, then they don’t need to be around us.  If they don’t understand him, they’re not that good of a friend.”  I love this mother!  She totally gets this kid, totally loves and supports this kid, and we’ll all be paying top dollar for his shows when he overtakes Broadway probably very soon.  So suck on that, Julie Andrews!

Straight as a crazy straw.

Back in Homer, Shanna tells Savannah she will be the only girl there with no teeth and no flipper.  Shanna thinks they look like horse’s teeth.  Isn’t that the appeal, that all the pageant kids look like Kennedys?

Shanna says she thinks people don’t realize all the hard work that goes into prepping for a pageant.  Yes we do, that’s why we DON’T do them and instead sit at home and watch HGTV all weekend while snacking on parmesan popcorn.  Or is that just me?

Apparently Savannah is a bit of a perfectionist and Shanna says, “She gets that from me,” which is an odd statement considering what she’s currently wearing.

She was also a perfectionist on her softball team and boy does she miss those other girls.

Two of Savannah’s sisters are “judging her” and one falls off the chair so Shanna calls her “intoxicated.”  I love drunk kids almost as much as kids who swear.

My kid is hilariously drunk.

The doll that replaced drunk kid?  Naked.  Then intoxicated judge cries.  As I shouted to the kid crying on the beach last week, “NOBODY CARES!”

Naked Cabbage Patch.  “Cabbage Patch” sounds like the new Brazilian, doesn’t it?

Back in Valparaiso, Kim tells us that Sydney does natural and glitz pageants and she does very well.  She is trying to shape Sydney’s eyes with some kind of mechanized ShamBrow™ and Sydney is squirming all over.  It’s all fun and games until someone loses and eye.  Then it’s more fun!  What’s not fun is how Kim just made her eyebrows go straight across instead of shaped properly.  Oh, Kim.

And where can get that peacock headdress?

“There are tons and tons of rumors that Sydney can’t pull off glitz.  Well you’ll see what Sydney can pull off,” Kim says.  Who is starting these rumors?  Where are they posted?  Or are you just making shit up, Kim?  “Don’t say anything negative about my daughter, it’s not going to roll this weekend,” she laughs and looks down.  Really?  Every time you throw down you look down?

My heart is starting to shrivel from the drivel.

Back in Bay City, Tori is spray-tanning Brock and she really should have just taken him to a salon.  She hoses him with the skill of someone just learning to use spray paint and it’s dripping all over him.  Well, get used to that.  She admits she’s never done this before which is clear when she ends up putting gang signs across his chest.

The Bloods marked me good!

Brock heads to dance class and tells us dancing makes him very happy.  I would totally invite this kid to Thanksgiving.  I mean, after dinner he’d have to leave because that’s what I make everyone do, but I bet he’d tell some great stories over pie.

Damn, that kid knows how to dance!  Holy crap, he knows how to point that toe and his form is really good.  Tori tells us he took some guff from some dumbass boys who made fun of him for dancing.  “Brock’s father and I both support who he is as a person,” Tori says.  So he’s either going to need to learn to run fast or punch hard, I doubt the teasing is going to stop.  The upside?  Parents who get him.  In the end, that’s all he’s going to need.  Start saving for those Broadway tickets now.

OMG, someone with TALENT is competing?  That’s just wrong.

Sydney is getting tanned by “Leslie” who looks like she avoids the spray tan and goes straight for the tanning bed coffin of UVA and UVB.  Seriously, get some Roc soon or it’s just going to get worse.

Sydney is mixing her patterns like an Asian.

Leslie tells us the spray tan includes anti-aging ingredients, always important for a seven year old.  She tells us that early skincare is important.  So maybe it’s the way the lights are hitting her?

More chickens!  Oh, and a cat!  Watch out chickens!  Oh, and here we go with another beauty myth that we need to all shut the hell up about.  Shanna tells us that Savannah’s eyebrows were shaped with a razor and now they are coming in black and thicker and that will continue to happen.

Okay, if every hair that women shaved came in thicker each time they shaved, all women would be walking around with huge hair follicles on their legs, underarms and bikini area…we’d look hideous.  The reason it looks much thicker is because it was blunt-cut by the razor so the end isn’t fine like when it grows in on its own.  I’m not discounting the color for Savannah, that may be true – but the thickness?  So let’s please stop with the hair growing back thicker.  Seriously, we’d all look like bears by now.

Brock is packing up his dolls Lexie and Rebecca and says Lexie is like him, “All design-y and sparkly.”  Aww.  Again, learn to run fast.  Tori tells us once again that they love and support him.  Are you trying to convince us or yourself?  Because I think we’re all with you.

Pageant day!  Maxine tells us they are bringing glitz to Chicago.  Yeah, it’s already there in the concrete!  The pageant is at some poor Westin, probably in Schaumburg because where else would this occur?  It’s totally suburban, hence the phrase when you are behind a bad driver in downtown Chicago, “Get the f#ck back to Schaumburg!”  I loved being an elitist Chicagoan and I don’t even live there anymore.

Tori registers Brock and it turns out there aren’t any other boys in the pageant.  So clearly he will be sweeping the “Little Mister” categories but I guess he has to compete with the girls for supreme.  Brock seems kind of bummed but then says he thinks he can beat the girls.  Just don’t do that when you grow up.

What do you mean they cut my Marcel Marceau impersonation?

Savannah is getting ready and seems to have forgotten how long it takes to get ready.  Shanna says she loves Savannah without her flipper and doesn’t think it will affect her onstage.  It will.  No one likes imperfection on kids.

Sydney interviews that she thinks she’s going to win today, “ ‘Cause I’m pretty.”

I’d feel more confident about that statement if you didn’t look like a housewife from the 50s.

Emcee Betty is sporting more bangs than usual and she is ready to grind out her Marlboro to get this pageant started!

Meeeemories…like the corners of my mind…wait, I don’t have corners in my head.

Tori has Brock in a cute black suit but also has her daughter in a black cupcake dress.  I’m not completely sure if her daughter is competing because she isn’t one of the girls we follow, but black on a little kid?  My mother freaked when girls wore black to my prom and that was in the eighties.  The LATE eighties.  Anyway, seems overwhelming on a little girl.  Just a side note.

When did Miss Kitty get here?  Shouldn’t she stay sober if she’s running the saloon?

For the “Little Mister” division, Brock gets onstage and he WORKS it.  He really shines onstage, has a lot of personality and seems very natural.  He probably could smile a little more, but I love the way he turns his back to the judges then sneaks a peak over his shoulder.  Lots of confidence for a little kid.

That’s right, drink it in, bitches.

Savannah is crying about her hairpiece and says it itches and hurts.  Shanna yells at her to stop crying and she’s making her makeup run.  Shanna says she cannot compete without a hairpiece in a glitz pageant.  Sure she can.  She just won’t win.  But without front teeth or a flipper, I think that’s a given at this point.

See my point?

Savannah keeps crying and she really seems like she’s in pain.  God forbid she verbalize what the problem is.  Shanna says she’s ready to pull Savannah out of the competition.  She starts yelling at Savannah that they are either going to compete or she’s got to suck it up and deal with the hair.  What is the problem with the hair?  Too heavy?  Pulling at real hair?  Why don’t they figure out the problem and see if they can fix it – she can’t be the first kid who has had trouble with a bunch of fake hair.

Tiniest meltdown ever…thank goodness her mother overreacts.

You are RUINING EVERYTHING!

“We can’t fix it!  You’re either done or you’re going to compete!” Shanna yells.  Savannah wants to compete but she keeps crying.  Shanna yells at her to take one of her fingers and show her where the hair hurts.  Savannah does this and Shanna screams that there is nothing there!  Except oh, there is, she has some hair that is really being pulled by the wiglet and Shanna fixes it.  Was that so hard, Shanna?  Next time, ask her what the problem is FIRST then go batshit if she doesn’t tell you.  Is there even an apology?  No.

All be damned, it’s a family of racoons.

Kim tells us this is Sydney’s first glitz pageant but I thought we saw pictures of her glitzed out?  Anyway, Kim tells Sydney she looks so beautiful and then she tears up and has to wipe her face.  “It makes me happy when mommy cries,” Sydney says.  Wait until you get to be a teenager, then it becomes fun.

I haven’t really thrown a tantrum since the beginning of the show, so f#ck all y’all.

“She looks like a little 16 year old little girl,” Kim says.  Yeah, that’s not really a good thing, you do realize that, right?

Shanna has another shit fit when she gets Savannah in line and sees that all the other cupcake dresses are longer than Savannah’s.  “They are supposed to be halfway between their booty and their knees,” she tells us.  Does it actually say “booty” in the list of rules?

Maybe it does.

Savannah gets onstage and looks adorable, and I guess it does look more like a tutu than a full cupcake skirt, so it looks like Shanna is the one who screwed the pooch on this one.  I think the bigger issue is the pumpkin mouth she’s sporting.  I mean, I love the missing teeth, but that’s because I’m not some whacko pageant judge.  Speaking of which, one of the judges interviews that a flipper would have been appropriate and Savannah’s dress was too short.  Enjoy losing and the long trip back home.

Too much thigh, too few teeth.  Loser.

Sydney is up and looks beautiful in her royal blue dress.  They call her hair “dark blonde” which people, that’s brunette.  She’s a brunette.  Deal with it.  We’re usually known as the smart ones, I’m just saying.  That’s how we make up for not having as much fun as the blondes.

Can I borrow your hairpiece next weekend?

Brock is getting ready in his outfit of choice which includes a sparkly red shirt that he says is a little too tight but does look like Dorothy’s ruby red slippers.  I’d love to have a pair of those, they would totally match all the crowns I plan to steal from kids when they are sleeping.

Also…Really?  Is that a red light behind her?

Sydney will be wearing western wear and they are sewing her cowboy hat to her hair to see if that will keep it on.  Seems like you might have tried this at home first before coming here and seeing if it works 10 minutes before going onstage.  Just a thought for next time, especially since it’s NOT WORKING.  Try sewing it directly into her scalp, see if that works.

I see a grim future in your career quadrant.

Shanna is running late so she goes running to the elevator and halfway down she realizes she forgot Savannah’s number.  She runs back and her two room keys don’t work and she freaks.  So instead of getting a new piece of paper and writing the damn number on it, she runs to the front desk and bitches that she can’t get into her room.  Dramatic music of tragedy plays.

“I need the manager now!” she says.  Jesus, really?  All you have to do is put the number on a new piece of paper!  Instead, she has someone from the hotel go get her number, then bitches because she had to send a “complete stranger” into her room.  Are you afraid she’s going to steal your couture, Mom Jeans?

Give her the shot!  GIVE HER THE SHOT!

Shanna runs into the pageant room and tells someone who probably doesn’t care or even know her that she had to send a “complete stranger” into her room.  Yes, I’m sure she’s rummaging through your stash of granny panties right now.  Trust me, hotel lady wants to get rid of you faster than the clap, let me assure you she just wants to get your number and shut you the hell up so she can go tell other customers their rooms won’t be ready for another hour.

Into a time-warp, apparently.

Brock is dancing/jumping all the way down the hallway.  Where is his number?  He says the girls won’t know what hit them.  Then a girl hits him.  What?

The mic is broken!  Or Betty’s practicing for Saturday night.

Brock starts his Riverdance with some Enya music and pointed toes, tears his shirt off to show his sparkly shirt and he actually does ROCK the stage!

Holy shit!

People are clapping and you can see the whole audience really get into it.  Tori tears up and cries, it’s so sweet.  “When I was onstage, I was feeling great!” he says, twirling like Nureyev.

We’re right there with you, Tori.

The hotel manager shows up with the coveted pageant number, basically a number handwritten on a piece of paper.  Like they couldn’t have done that in the business center of the hotel in like 30 seconds.  “It’s hard to be a pageant mom,” Shanna says.  Especially when you lose your shit on really important non-essentials.

The drama NEVER ends.

Savannah gets onstage and does her little routine and sticks her tongue out between the gap between her teeth.  Halfway through, she loses her sparkle and she looks confused, then she twirls some more and all is well.

Maybe it was because of Bossy McSaucy’s pre-game motivational speech.

Sydney dances in her western wear and does finger guns and makes a kissy face.  She takes off her glove and throws it on the ground.  Then she throws her hat down.  It’s starting to look like a strip routine but she interviews later that the glove kept getting tangled when she danced so she took it off.  The hat we knew was going to come off so she pre-empted that.

OH MY GOD, HOW does this affect you?  How?

Shanna immediately tells a woman next to her that now Sydney has TWO pieces of her costume on the floor and she didn’t pick them back up.  I’m sure she’ll clean up after herself when she leaves the stage, don’t worry.  Kim says the routine could have been neater.

Crowning!  “Am I scared of anyone in the competition?  Not really,” Kim says, followed by – say it with me – looking down on the ground.  Shanna was so worried that after two years of retirement Savannah wouldn’t win so she got her a Potential Loser™ present and gave it to her with a card that read she should be proud of herself always.  Well, that’s nice.

Supreme crown. Gimme!  Gimme!  Gimme!

Little Mister division is up first and Brock thinks he’s going to win.  “I have a hunch!” he says.  You are the only boy in the pageant so I’m sure you are the Hunchback of Chicagodame.  Brock wins Most Handsome, Stage Star Best Personality, Outfit of Choice, Talent, and Natural and Glitz Photograph winner.  Brock also pulls for a higher title.  I know, I was shocked too.

Today, Personality Award, tomorrow, a TONY!

Sydney and Savannah’s group is up next and Savannah thinks she’s going to win a high title.  Kim uncharacteristically snots, “Is there someone else in jeans over there?”  Is she wearing jeans?  Why is she worried? Hey, I’m just glad some of the moms aren’t in onesie sweats like they usually are.  And they are never Juicy.

Betty, do you need a chair, or what is going on here?

Outfit of Choice…Savannah!  Natural Photogenic…Sydney!  Mini-National Celebrity National Division Queen…Savannah!  She wins!  So she loses!  Savannah smiles and says thanks.  Shanna says not wearing the flipper probably made the difference.  Duh.  They recognize Sydney as pulling out for a higher title!  She is adorable.  Shanna crosses her arms.

The crown fits perfectly, like a FLIPPER would have.

Overall Most Beautiful…not our kids!  Overall Personality…duh, BROCK!  He sashays onstage and says, “I beat all the girls in personality!”  No shit.  Maxine says they gave Brock the choice of a girl’s or boy’s crown and he chose the girl’s crown because it was sparkly.  Well duh!

Brock knows what’s what when it comes to sparkly crowns.

“If Sydney wins the pageant, I think everyone else will be very jealous,” Kim says.  She seems nice then she says bitchy stuff like this.  Doesn’t seem consistent with who she probably is.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

Beauty Supreme…Sydney!  Yay!  “We were a title stealer today,” Kim says.  From whom?  You won a title.  It was anyone’s game.

I’m totally taking this to Show and Tell!

Boy’s Grand Supreme…BROCK!  Someone sitting next to Tori jokes, “He pretty much had that in the bag.”  Yup.  He says he won king in one division and queen in the other.  “Just kidding,” he says.  No he’s not.

The competition was…non-existent!

Shanna yells at Savannah to hold still while she pins the crown to Savannah’s head, then interviews she’s not sure she’s ready to come back full time.  Thank God.

Does that hurt?  Because mommy is using real pins.

The winner is some kid named Riley who looks surprised to be out of the house.  Shanna says Savannah is upset because so many people said she’d win supreme and she didn’t.

Wait, why am I here and who are you and why is my head so heavy and is that a lady bug?

Kim says, “It’s okay if people are jealous, it just means we’re doing better.  Let ‘em hate because it makes you more famous.”  She smiles and looks at the ground.  Why are you like this?  That is just an awful way to think.  Shanna may be louder about her crazy, but you’re on the fast train to Nutsville, let me tell you.

It also makes you sadder.

Brock says he won a crown for his diva side and his boy’s side.  Tori tells us that the stage is where he shines.  “He’s Brock.  There’s no other way to describe him.”  No kidding.  Too bad you can’t buy stock in kids, I’d want to invest.  No Ni-Ni issues here.

Which one should I wear first?  How about both at once?

Next week?  A mom become self-aware of her crazy, kids swear and one smacks a parent.  I CANNOT wait for that shit to hit the fan.  They’ll probably just give her Red Bull to calm her down.