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Monday, August 15, 2011
12:01 am
132 Comments
Tagged: dear crabby, funny, recap, spoof, toddlers and tiaras, TV, tvgasm
Finally, a pageant I can get behind…little kids beating the shit out of each other.
Rumble in the Jungle is this episode of Toddlers & Tiaras pageant and talk about a hot mess of competitors. The emcee is the creepy one from the recap Toddlers & Tiaras: Midwest Mommy Mayhem and he still hasn’t found a suit to fit. He asks who wants to be crowned “world champion” (uh, yeah, this is a small pageant in Louisville, Kentucky, you might want to chill on that) while the show editors play a faux version of “Eye of the Tiger.”
Someone’s still in his mother’s basement and his father’s suit.
Creepy “talent” agent Heather Ryan is the pageant director, which makes no sense since several of the kids she represents are in the pageant. It’s called conflict of interest, look it up if you can actually read, Heather. I remember the first time we met Heather, back in the episode where Eden gets that doll made to look like her. This agent is just trying to glom onto Mickie and whatever money she has left to pour into Eden. There’s just something about Heather that is plain icky. I think all agents are like that.
Seriously, she looks like a total pill.
She calls is a “world championship pageant” numerous times and says you’d better come prepared with a flipper, wigs, spray tan, glitz clothes and basically be Eden Wood, one of the contestants! Did you put this pageant together just for her? Tell the truth! The worst part? She also has another client competing that we are going to follow. She says she doesn’t think it will affect the outcome of the pageant because “I’m not a judge,” she says, followed with, “I don’t tell the judges what to score on.” Let’s hold this thought.
“In Kentucky, they breed pageant children from fetus,” Heather says. She forgot to add “smokers” to that list.
First up in Taylor, Arkansas, you know her, you love her, it’s Eden Wood. Mickie is showing Eden the “Eden Wood” book in case she forgot it existed. Like Mickie doesn’t read it to her every night before bed!
Win much?
Eden tells us she’s five and as we all figured out in in the MiniCap and comments, this was filmed before Eden (and Ni-Ni sucker Mckenzie) went to LA and scarred everyone in front of Mann’s Chinese Theater with the Cutie Patootie song. My ears are still bleeding. Also, Eden isn’t as cute as she used to be.
But Mickie’s flipper looks very natural.
“I’m real, real famous,” she says. A legend in her own mind. Mickie practices with Eden and interviews that Eden has become known “internationally, just thanks to pageants.” And the book. And the doll. And the song. And apparently for charging the nice Aussies for autographs. Don’t you know they will throw you to the dingos? I love dingos just for this reason: Their penchant for pageant flesh! (also, grammarians, dingos and dingoes are both acceptable).
Oh man. I just went to throw some laundry in, picked up one of my dogs and sang the Cutie Patootie song to her. If I owned a gun, there’d be nothing but gray matter on the computer screen right now. Although all of my dogs really are cutie patooties. It’s from all the practice they get.
Anyway…we see footage from 60 Minutes Australia showing Eden’s crowns while Mickie tells us of all the “quality” shows Eden has been on…Joy Behar Show, CNN, The Talk on CBS…And we know how good all of those shows/networks really are, don’t we?
Eden practices but she’s really not that good and we all know mostly what she does is get onstage and wiggles but the props are what make the show. “Do you know how much money I have spent?” Mickie asks, followed by this sound, “H-OH!” She says it’s been around $100,000. “But if I hadn’t, would I be sitting here doing this interview?” Probably. Look at the other butthead mothers. TLC doesn’t have a money-threshold for the people they follow, it’s more an I.Q. threshold…the lower, the better!
Over in Georgetown, Kentucky, semi-fugly three year old Isabella and mom Christy show us how living your life through your children will only backfire. Christy was a pageant girl and very blonde back in the day (guess only the backseat of the Camaro knew the truth) and she tells us she never lost a title.
Christy tells us Isabella has done 30 pageants and has only lost one. Better gird your loins for this one, then. Christy lets us in on a little secret: Isabella doesn’t like to practice and she likes to see how far she can push things. In my house, I’d be pushing Isabella back, but Christy prefers her angry doormat response.
My decisions are based on how tight my hair is that day.
Isabella won’t practice and Christy is getting madder. She interviews that sometimes there is a meltdown and we see Isabella turning over a plastic chair in her room. Nice anger management. Christy says although Isabella likes to think she’s in control, “Mommy’s always the boss.” Whatever you need to believe to get you through the day. Footage never lies.
Let’s wreck the joint!
Isabella refuses to stand up so finally Christy puts her on the floor and tells her if she doesn’t practice, she can’t go. That may be the point. She threatens that you don’t win crowns if you don’t practice. Sure you do, we see it every week!
Finally, in Mayfield, Kentucky, we meet bi-racial Alexis, 5 , and mom Monica. Alexis is cute but honestly looks like a boy in the face. She’s been doing pageants for years and grandma Nana says the only thing they were told is to work on Alexis’s personality. Then the crack editors show us footage of Alexis just sitting there while crickets sound. Hee.
Or maybe she’s just worried about the encroachment occurring on either side of her!
Monica says Nana is her pageant sidekick which probably helps when asking for money (who wants to fight his wife AND mother?). Monica says Alexis is always winning supreme titles which leads me to believe they are entering her in lame-ass local contests. I’m sorry, but this kid just ain’t a pageant girl. I’d like to see her win in Texas.
However, this does make pull-my-finger a much more glamorous joke.
Back with Mickie and Eden, Heather is taking them to the recording studio so they can record the song SHE wrote for Eden, “Cutie Patootie.” At least now we know who to send some of the hate mail to. Heather is in the recording booth with her for some reason, maybe to do backup, then we hear that nasty sound and Eden starts yelling, “CUUUTIE, CUTIE PATOOOOTIE…” and it ends with “Donald Trump keep it real!” Yeah, he knows better than to touch this pile of patootie.
Yoko Ono started the same way…which makes this all the more wrong.
“You rocked that stage!” Heather says. Not only does it sound forced, she’s not onstage. Geez Louise, Heather, how stupid are you? Stupid enough to suck Mickie dry!
Heather says they knew that if they did this record they could do a cute little tour and “take her out to the Midwest and to the malls.” Yeah, we might be rubes in some things, but we’re not that desperate for entertainment. We have cable and cow-tipping, you know.
Over at Express tan, Monica is taking her HALF BLACK child to get spray-tanned. Alexis is actually very good-natured and goes through the process with a smile on her face. Seriously, get this kid into the science fair, she looks too smart to do this dumbass stuff.
My daughter is not as ethnic as I’d like, can you help?
Nana says she doesn’t need a spray tan. “I was born with mine,” she laughs. Oh my God, I bet she makes the best Sunday dinners. She just strikes me as that kind of grandma. And the kind that shows you how to do the pie crusts just right.
Back with Isabella, Christy says she does all the hair and makeup for the pageants because she knows that’s how Isabella will be perfect. I think you mean “look perfect,” kid is kind of a monster. In her defense, and you know I don’t defend these kids often, Isabella clearly hates everything about pageants. EVERYTHING. So no wonder she hates the perpetrator of them: Her mother.
Poor photographer Sarah is with Isabella to take some photographs, but Isabella won’t give up her sucker. Sarah admits Isabella is challenging and that you have a “30-second window before she wants to flip out on you.” I don’t know if Sarah is new to Isabella, but if she’s not, it sounds like this is an ongoing problem. Fun.
Christy chases Isabella down the stairs and goes to bring her upstairs. She firmly says, “Are you all done? Are you ALL DONE? ARE YOU ALL DONE?” Isabella just screams and cries. She sits with her back to the photographer as her mother interviews that it only takes one good photo to outscore everyone in the competition. The only thing is, I’m pretty sure the other kids FACED the camera for their photos.
Although let’s be honest…this really is your best side.
Back in Mayfield, we’re about to get crack-a-lackin’ at the…WTF? Chiropractor? They are having Alexis adjusted. You have got to be kidding me. Nana interviews that she’s been bringing Alexis since she was a baby. What baby needs an adjustment? What doctor would do that? WHAT THE HELL? Alexis gets her neck cracked.
And we all know the story of a friend’s cousin’s wife who went to the chiropractor and had her neck broken and became paralyzed from the neck down after a simple adjustment.
“She’s the only pageant girl who has came to the chiropractor for an adjustment,” Monica interviews. How about “caming” to a grammar teacher, moron? Also, I love chiropractors, they do great work, but again, WTF? It is NOT going to give her an extra edge.
Oh my God. Here we go. We see Eden, Mickie, and some very white guy outside of Mickie’s house as she explains that “Pops is Eden’s adoptive grandfather.” Probably because Mickie and her husband were so damn old when Eden was born that her real ones are dead. And twirling in their graves after this upcoming scene.
Something really, really bad is about to happen here.
Pops is going to help Eden with her Rumble in the Jungle routine – playing Tarzan to her Queen of the Jungle. Any normal man would probably have said no, but Pops said yes and is now allowing Eden to shave the hair off of his body before she tans him.
A five year old is shaving hair off an older man before she tans him. Isn’t this the major problem in Indonesia and Thailand? Even creepier is the close-up of the man’s belly as she shaves him. She also shaves his arms, although it does look like she’s using the wrong side of the electric shaver, doesn’t it? Or is that the scraper? Also, I don’t need to see a close-up of this man’s nipple getting shaved and I sure as hell don’t need to see a little girl doing it. This is GROSS and WRONG on so many levels.
Doesn’t Lisa Ling report on shit like this? Bai Ling? Lucy Lui? Someone Asian.
Then the spray-tan gun comes out. Nothing like stayin’ inside the lines for a five year old…she is giving him major stripes and OMG, no one needs to see his underarm. Mickie says she’ll have to do some “touch-ups” before the competition. And now we know where a school teacher is getting the money for the pageants. Seriously, where is dad? Probably out screwing a pageant queen.
Because God knows he’s not getting it here, where elocution lessons go to die.
Back in Georgetown, Isabella is going to get her nails done which Christy tells us she really hates. Shocking. Outside the salon, we hear Isabella whining and crying and Christy asking her what her problem is. I think it’s you, bitch. This isn’t like eating her vegetables – the kid HATES PAGEANTS. And P.S. she hates you too.
Pageants really do bring mothers and daughters closer than ever.
Isabella says she doesn’t want to go and Christy is pulling her and through her teeth yells, “I said you gotta go inside!” It’s kind of scary, I don’t think we’ve ever seen a pageant mom be this nasty. Then she admits they don’t normally take her to the salon to get her nails done but are since this is a glitz pageant. That makes no sense since she’s been doing these pageants for years. Wouldn’t they always be there then?
“The whole concept is to have her looking like a perfect little doll,” Christy says, oblivious to how bad that really sounds. How about her looking like the little girl that she is? And how is looking perfect an achievable goal? Christy, perhaps you should start competing again.
Back with Alexis, she is practicing outside and folks, she really, really, really has a boy’s face. I don’t know how to explain it, but it’s weird. Then Monica says something very telling. “I know Alexis is going to have a lot of great competition there. I know Eden is going to be there and she’s one of the best if not the best,” she says, which leads me to believe that everyone KNEW that Eden was going to compete, not that she would just be hanging out charging for signing autographs. It’s clear Monica knew it and she can barely speak English properly, so my guess is most people did. If they didn’t they weren’t paying attention.
More Cosby cute than pageant pretty, you know?
Alexis makes Nana be Eden Wood as they practice and Nana says Eden is “phenomenal.” Meh. Nana says the only thing that is similar is that she is somewhat blonde, but Eden’s is real. And you have more class than she does Nana! Work it!
“Eden is a beautiful little girl and that is Alexis’s major competition,” Monica says. So Eden’s competing. Thanks for clearing that up a second time. Also, Alexis is in big trouble.
Back with said competition, Eden is practicing her “Jane, Queen of the Jungle” and basically it’s the Vegas routine all over again. She comes out, shakes her shoulders, and there you go. Now that I think about it, Eden really isn’t in gymnastics or dance or anything like that, is she? I mean, her routines are rarely dance routines or well-thought out, it’s her shimmying and shaking on a stage with a lot of props.
Eden says she practices every day and “that’s the hateful part” but “she loves it.” She is totally bi-polar on this subject. Then she does some moves in her room and it’s pretty funny.
Christy is telling Isabella that they are ready for the pageant and Isabella’s face says they really, really aren’t. Christy interviews that Heather Ryan is not only the pageant director but the agent for Alexis and Eden, and she’s a little concerned about how things will be judged, especially with Eden. Christy is in complete denial when she says between Eden and Isabella, it should be “fun to watch.” Only for recappers and commenters, sister.
I wish you’d leave my room…and the house…and my life!
As they leave, I notice none of them are wearing seatbelts and Isabella is not in a car seat that I could see. Oh, Kentucky, I love that you have the Creation Museum for morons and yet embrace Darwin on your roads.
Pageant day! The pageant is in lovely Louisville, Kentucky, which I really love – great city. Sadly, they have creepy emcee back as Heather tells us they have talent scouts and casting agents judging the pageant today. In Louisville. Uh-huh.
Wow, the world championship pageant really brings out the…tens of people.
Heather continues to be fake-excited by telling us the winner will get a huge crown, a $1000 bond, a contract (for what, she does not say), a walk-on role in a commercial (for what, she does not say), head shots, photo sessions (are those different? Dirty!), “everything you could ever need to get involved in the modeling and acting world. It’s everything every pageant child wants.” Or at least their parents do. Also, what you want in terms of acting is a lead role in a Spielberg film. What you offered will get people bit parts in porn.
Heather says Eden is the best of the best as we see a photo of her with a title that reads, “Eden and the Chipmunks.” You have GOT to be shitting me. What the hell is that, another horrible record? Oh, and there’s the Eden doll in the Vegas costume. Barf.
How does Heather talk about Alexis? “Alexis has been around awhile,” she says. “They have brought their A-game. It will be great to see how she competes.” Wow. That was enthusiastic. Is everyone still awake?
This guy is, and he’d like to thank his Mee-Maw for picking out this tie for him the last time she babysat him.
Heather tells us that Isabella’s mom will do whatever it takes to win. We know, we’ve seen how she pushes her kid into doing something she HATES. Then she says some bullshit about how the child who wins this pageant will be considered the best child in the pageant industry. “I can’t wait to see who takes home that world championship title.” Get a grip already!
Christy interviews that Isabella’s hair and makeup will be done by her, “Like always.” Isabella is having none of it. She is convinced Isabella will win a supreme title. Isabella whines and cries.
More fun than pulling poison ivy out of your garden. Or not. I have my dad get mine, so I’m not sure.
Mickie tells us she’s in the middle of chaos. She bitches that the hair and makeup person had all these other kids to do so she sort of ignored Eden – and I think we did determine it was Fransoly. Maybe she f#cked Eden up on purpose – was her daughter in the pageant? Look for the most abused kid onstage.
Fransoly is combing one of the hairpieces and Mickie tells her to put the other one on (?) and Fransoly seems like she’s crying and she excuses herself to the bathroom. That’s why I wasn’t sure it was her – she’s feisty. But maybe the legend of Eden carries more weight than, well, Fransoly.
I’m used to being the one doing all the abusing!
Eden tells Franoly to roll with it and “monitor and adjust.” Why weren’t the hairpieces done last night? Why didn’t Mickie hire her OWN hair and makeup person that was strictly for Eden alone? That makes no sense. She bitches that in all the time they’ve been doing pageants, this has never happened.
Mickie starts to hyperventilate and says that Eden has to be downstairs at 9:25 and asks Fransoly how she can help. “Just calm down?” she asks and Fransoly says, “Yes.” Mickie sighs heavily.
Did Fransoly punch Eden? About damn time someone did.
Then Mickie decides to check on the dress and jewelry lady. NOW? She tells us that Eden’s clothes ONCE AGAIN had to be sent to the hotel and she needs to see if they are in. Just as the pageant is about to start. Like I mentioned in the MiniCap, bitch, send it so it arrives a few days early so you can track and make sure it’s there IN ADVANCE! Why would send something to arrive day of? Hotels lose shit all the time – and now you’re losing YOURS.
Mickie is on the phone and says into it, “We’re having a crisis!” No, you are. And it’s hard to take you seriously with that pinky lavender phone. “We’re pushed a little closer than mama likes to have it pushed,” Mickie interviews. Dirty.
In a passive-aggressive manner, Mickie is telling a crying Eden who has HORRIBLE and STRAIGHT hair that they “do not have the luxury of time they usually have.” Fransoly can hear you! She might put you in carbonite!
Crisis in Alexisland, they cannot find the lace-up for her dress. Seems like that might have been an important thing to make sure you packed. Also, Monica? Those capris are cutting you off and making you look shorter and stockier than you are. Please destroy them at once.
Pageant Mom t-shirt and the Mom Capris to match. Is that a 9-inch zipper I see?
They decide to use a shoelace from her gym shoes to fix the dress and there you go. Crisis averted!
Except with Mickie! She’s on the phone and saying she needs the truck at entrance three. Okay, so Fransoly has to rush to get her done but you are still tracking down the dress? Jesus. Mickie says the hair didn’t curl, they are running late…if it could happen it has. And who do you blame for that???
Mickie interviews that she’s been “so traumatized and disorganized because of the drama this morning.” In the pageant room, Mickie is doing something with Eden but all I notice is that her pants in the back are unzipped about 4-5 inches. Is that where her mic is?
Hey, we’ve all been there. Just not on national TV.
Eden won’t stand on her own and she’s on the floor…then she whines and cries and has a total meltdown. Mickie tells her to pull it together. “It’s all about her and for her…” and Mickie starts to cry. Who’s auditioning for what here? “If she’s not happy, I’m not happy.”
Mickie tells Eden to pull herself together. She puts her head against Eden’s and says, “If you don’t wanna do it, we’ll take the dress off and go home.” Drama. Then Eden looks at her, smiles and it’s ON LIKE DONKEY KONG! And I totally think that was planned. I think they did that to prove Eden’s range to America, and it does run all the way from A to A-.
Work it for the camera, baby, Scorsese might be watching!
Creepy emcee Max gets things started and one of the judges interviews she’s looking for poise, posture and presentation. I’m pretty sure she’s a man.
In fact, I’m pretty sure she’s Dennis Rodman.
Christy grabs Isabella and tells her it’s time to go onstage, to which Isabella shockingly replies, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” She pulls away from her mother as Christy yells it’s her turn. She interviews that Isabella “really isn’t in the mood just yet.” SHE NEVER IS! Oh my God, Christy, if you are reading this or if someone who knows Christy is reading this, EVERYONE KNOWS YOUR KID HATES PAGEANTS! If you love them so much, why don’t YOU go back to competing. God!
Christy carries Isabella to the stage while she screams and yells, then Isabella punches her mother in the back. Twice. Where is Supernanny when you need her?
Not touching this hot mess, that’s where.
First up, 2-3 year olds. Isabella gets onstage and like a trained poodle she does a few things, does the finger kiss thing without any energy, doesn’t smile, doesn’t move and basically looks like she’d rather be anywhere else in the world including Afghanistan. Christy says she looks perfect onstage, probably because she’s standing behind her and can’t see what’s really going on.
She can’t wait to get onstage…nice grip, MOM.
Christy says she did well compared to the competition, “And if it were just me, there’s no doubt.” About who would win? I would say the plant onstage had more enthusiasm and energy than Isabella did. And probably wanted to be there more.
Now the 4-5 division and Monica tells Alexis she looks beautiful. It’s a really nice moment. Snore.
She looks too smart to be in pageants.
Alexis is up first. She looks cute in her red and white dress and has a very pretty smile. She isn’t very polished and she walks kind of weird. Monica says she is naturally beautiful. “Her face is ‘WOW!’” she says. It’s reeeeeally not. She’s cute, but not WOW.
Mickie tells Eden to turn on the charm but Eden’s hair is a hot mess of straight fuzz. Eden is really not as cute as she used to be and even though she’s done this a lot, it seems to me that she’s really not very polished. Her routine is not smooth.
Worst hair ever…and does she have to pee?
The emcee says that Eden wants to be Miss America, the President of the United States and win an Academy Award by the age of 20, “because she will be too old after that.” Actually, she’ll be too young to be president, by about 15 years, so it’s pretty obvious that Mickie doesn’t teach civics. Mickie cries that she is so proud of her girl. Stop auditioning!
Heather interviews that a majority of the competition is going to be in Jungle Wear. Oh, Heather. You really are trying hard, but convincing, you’re not.
Then we see Mickie consulting with Heather, and honey, that does not look good. Christy starts to bitch and moan about the “fairness” of the event…the first sign of a loser. She says because Heather reps some of the kids at the pageant, that could naturally cause some TJ between the competitors. Oh, I’m sorry, she said “tension” but her accent is so horrific I didn’t catch it until I ran it under closed captioning.
Hang tight while I fix the votes and Eden wins.
Angry pageant mom Tricia, who is probably there with “Miss Sammy Jo/Miss America” says a lot of the parents were pretty upset when they found out that Eden was competing. She says they wouldn’t have come had they known. Quitters! She says Eden’s talent agency is the one putting on the pageant.
Angry coach Shanna (she looks familiar but I think I’m thinking of someone meaner), says she was ticked to find out Heather was Alexis’s agent because their relationship may cause skewed judging.
Jungle Wear competition! Wow, there is a lot of leopard print and bones. Isabella is up and she half-heartedly scratches like wildcat, then she turns her back to the judges and wiggles her tail. Over and over and over again. Christy says Isabella likes to do the “tushy-tushy-tushy” although it’s not part of the routine. Sure.
Hey, can YOU save me from this horrible mother?
Now the 4-5 year olds, and Alexis is up next. Monica says she always gets nervous and thinks, “Please do good.” Oh, Monica. Skip the pageant coach and get yourself a tutor.
Alexis has a lot of enthusiasm and she wiggles all over the stage. Cute. Not cute? The pageant coach wiggling all over the place. Monica is sure Alexis is going to pull for a high title. Really?
Shake it like a chemistry set!
Oh Lord, here come all the props. The editors show one lady looking at someone else then putting her head in her hand like, “Seriously?” but that could have just been good editing. It is pretty pathetic how many props Eden brings with her…and I get the feeling they are to make up for her not having a really good routine.
Why, why, why is this necessary?
Christy gets pissy and says it takes a lot of nerve for Eden to call herself the grand supreme queen when she hasn’t won it yet, but where is that? Is that on the sign on the right? I couldn’t read it.
Also, subtle – the props really hide the lack of talent.
“Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, I came to Louisville and brought my E-E,” Mickie says. E-E? I tried to look up her middle name but apparently Mickie doesn’t like to give it out for security reasons. Good thing you have a Facebook page and have told people you are a teacher and your husband works two jobs including running the family farm in – where is it again? – oh yeah, TAYLOR, ARKANSAS, population under 600, and you’ve shown your house and cars, so it will be pretty easy to find you. And I know what you readers are thinking: Road Trip!
Eden does her little routine – and I do mean little. It’s a hot mess. Oh, there’s Tarzan, in like a Fred Flintstone costume, grabbing her and carrying her off the stage. Too bad he didn’t hit her with a club. Also…good thing they shaved and tanned his torso. Now that seems even more gross, if you think about it.
Her performance was orgasmic! Or was it Tarzan?
Mickie says the day flip-flopped – started out badly and finished perfectly. Mickie really plays it up for the cameras and it’s awful. Come on, Mickie, chill.
Angry pageant mom Alicia says she feels the show was put on to benefit one contestant. Doyee. Heather, who has NOTHING to do with judging, stops by the judging table to see what they think about the three girls being followed by TLC.
Dennis Rodman says the pageant directors have a “great deal of influence on the scoring.” The only time this was used for good was when Annette Hill gave the special Director’s Choice award to Ashlynne of a previous episode featuring the infamous Jamie Sterling as Satan Mommy.
Sure enough, Heather is quizzing the judges on Eden…using her voice to show she’s the one who should win. Then she says Alexis in a mediocre tone of voice, then she says “Isabella…what do you think?” then she makes this voice like, ick/yeesh/awful and the judges say she’s just shy but a beautiful girl. Oh, and she hates all of you and what you stand for.
The worst thing about this picture is that it give Christy some credibility when she bitches about an unfair pageant. Thanks Heather, you stupid bitch.
Heather knows who is going to win. And so does everyone else. But let’s go through the motions just for the fun of it. “If your name is called for princess, that’s not good,” she says. Ask Kate Middleton, I bet she’d beg to differ. But she’d be too classy to laugh at you like we are.
Christy says she’s very sure her daughter is going to pull for a supreme title. Because she thinks she’s Eden’s mom. She says if they don’t win supreme, she won’t be a very happy mom. Then you’ll know how Isabella feels about you.
First princess? Not Isabella! Oh, it’s coming, though, I can feel it. Next princess? Isabella! Mommy hates you!
That tiara is like a crown of thorns around mommy’s heart, so take it off NOW.
“Shockingly, they gave her a princess crown, which means you have nothing,” Christy says. Well, you have a princess crown and your health. And probably dinner on the table tonight. Priorities, bitch.
Christy takes Isabella’s crown off and puts in on the stage floor and interviews that Isabella is a “higher quality competitor than that.” Seriously, you are in major denial. Almost Cleo Patrick-level. Your kid suuuucked, mostly because she hates what she’s doing. Also, when she’s not made up, she kind of has a monkey vibe. A smart monkey, but still a monkey.
Is this how she was delivered?
When the queen was named, Isabella makes like claws at her and sticks her tongue out…three times! Jealous much? Also, if you want the queen title, then stop acting like a little bitch, get those nails done and do well in the competition. Did you not see the you suuuuuucked comment above? This family is a hot mess. Christy is still stunned. Maybe watching this will help.
She’s a great sport. Must get it from mom.
“The judges are crazy…she deserved a supreme title,” Christy says. Unreal.
I wonder who is going to win…no, wait…no I don’t.
Mickie is worried about the win…great acting. She’s crying again. Please stop. Princess…not our girls! Queen…not our girls! Which means both of the pageant director’s clients pulled for a higher title. Shocking.
Ni-Ni…we need your services here STAT!
Christy pisses and moans that the ones pulling for higher titles are the ones in the inner circle. Are you unfamiliar with how the world works? This is how. Also, once again, broken record, your kid
SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKED!
Grand Supreme Roasted Garlic and Mushroom Awards…Mini-Supreme…ALEXIS! How the hell did that happen? Must be based on enthusiasm. Monica is thrilled.
Really? This surprises me, but not as much as the hideous dress to the right.
Who is left? WORLD CHAMPION GRAND SUPREME…EDEN WOOD, of course. Of course!
Big girl to the right ain’t happy about something…is it the dress?
Mickie does the worst thing ever. She runs onstage, grabs Eden and hugs her, then runs offstage and screams “WHOO! OH MY GOD!”
Inappropriate, but these are people who shaved a retiree.
Christy says, “See how rehearsed she is?” As much as Christy is being a bitter little pill about this whole thing, I have to agree with her. Mickie has never acted like this – or acted as much – in any other pageant we’ve seen. Mickie continues to scream like a banshee. It’s actually embarrassingly over the top.
We definitely see how bitter YOUare.
Christy interviews/snots that Eden won but what can you say? “That was the plan for her.” Yep. Now here’s what a lot of people commented on…Isabella was in a photo that they show being taken and her crown is much higher…so did she win something bigger later? She grabs her off the stage and says they won’t be back. You mean to this one, right? Also, I stopped the DVR and looks like Isabella has a sash that reads “Mini-something” – almost looks like Alexis’s mini-supreme sash…so something’s up here.
Whatever, we’re outta here with a bigger crown that we stole…maybe from the ugly dress girl?
Alexis is thrilled and Monica says they want to focus on her modeling and see if she can get some magazine ad work. Good luck with that. Her crown gets caught and she says, “I can’t be on TV like this.”
This crown has clearly become self-aware, can someone kill it please?
Mickie is thrilled and says, “Unbelievable!” Was it?
Drunk already. Hollywood, here she comes!
Oh, and get this…There is now an Eden Wood Cutie Patootie pageant and guess who the makeup artist is? Fransoly. Maybe she and Mickie are lovers, couldn’t you totally see that? There’s your Lifetime movie!
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132 Comments
Great recap Crabby! Hilarious. I too noticed Mickie’s unzipped pants and wondered how embarrassed she might be when she saw that. But then I saw the horrible display she put on running on stage and hooping and hollering like an idiot and realized she has no shame. There were quite a few past T&T moms in this episode.
Prime Time coincidently aired a special, the same time as T&T on Wednesday called Underage and Famous. Guess who was on it? Eden. They told us Eden is currently on a 5 city coffee shop tour with 3 moms and 3 pageant girls in a minivan. Our fave agent Heather is the driver and guess who is also on the tour??? Fransoly and Dianely. Dianely and some other little girl I did not recognize are Eden’s back up dancers. They showed part of the “tour.” They are literally crammed into a raggedy 2001 Town and Country. Seeing Fransoly, Mickie and some other chunky mom squeezed in the back was pretty damn funny. Fransoly was shown smoking, bitching and cussing alot.. And Heather rolling her eyes, interviewing how difficult it was to ride with these women and their brats. Check it out on Hulu if you get a chance, I laughed. Love your recaps!!
Christy said she won all her pageants. You just know her proudest moment was when she won Miss Rutabaga, 1997.
Alexis is off to a great start. ‘Cause you know the black girls and the Asian girls are ALWAYS in demand at the strip clubs. It’s actually not even fair to the poor white trailer trash trying to work their moneymakers on a Friday night.
And, DearCrabby, I loved the preemptive strike on the “and not to nit-pick, but I believe the proper plural form of the Australian wild dog is…” crowd. Well played.
By FAR the best line of the recap: “Oh, Kentucky, I love that you have the Creation Museum for morons and yet embrace Darwin on your roads.”
It disgusts me that the vast rural wasteland of America is populated with the kinds of fat religious fuckwits who honestly would think Eden Wood and that hideous song are cute. She already looks like a blowsy heavy white trash 22-year-old who would prop her dirty feet up on the coffee table (part of her living room suite, pronounced “suit”) and yell at her kids while her silent mustached skinny husband looks on blankly. Eden’s “Pops” looked like he had definitely had a brother sister humping in his gene pool, and Mickie I think fashions herself a modern-day Minnie Pearl, spouting off homilies that are neither original nor funny. But the same hickwad idiots who think you can pray away problems and look at Precious Moments figures with moist-eyed love are the ones who will forever keep America sinking into a dump.
There is something seriously wrong with Mickie Wood. Who makes their 5 year old shave a man and watch and think it is funny? He didn’t even show his stomach for hismlittle tarzan routine? She said this was the first time Eden ever did that and now it is recorded forever for the world to see. Also, please God, strike me down if a hair piece for my child not being curled properly makes me have a heart attack.
There was so much wrong with this episode, I don’t know what else to right. I do think it was hilarious that they titled Sammi Jo’s mom as an “angry pageant mom”. Nobody takes pagaent moms serious and if Sammi Jo had won, she would have thought it was so fair and a wonderful day. These things are always rigged to make the pagaent people the most money.
ok, spell check is needed… Write, not right. hard to be snarky when you cannot spell.
I liked Mickie’s speech to Eden: “We don’t have to do this–but remember last time when you didn’t and Mommy was so upset she took a whole handful of pills and almost saw Jesus?”
That chick’s seesaw is seriously unbalanced.
I was highly dissapointed with TLC in this epi!! I am smarter then you think TLC! Thanks for fluckin up the timeline ya dumb bitch!
Savanah’s mom was Alexis’ Pageant coach in this episode. She was the mom that was yelling at Savanah to stop crying cause her hair piece was tugging on her actual hair, Or should I say she was the moron that said that Savanah’s eye brows were growing back black and thicker…
Also, Why oh why would you ship your pageant stuff to the hotel? You bring that shit with you! For fuckssake woman! Knowing her, she probably didn’t pack any of Eden’s dresses, she got there a day early, saw who was competeing and then called home and said, ok, she is a shoein for Ultimate, or whatever she won, and had whomever ship everything. She did it in the first episode, cause the box go there in between beauty and outfit of choice or something like that. This woman makes me crazy! Oh and I felt misled by TLC also, because I was under the impression that Eden was done with pageants…
Oh one more thing for now, I have to head out to the UPS store to ship some items to my mom…Yes I get tracking
!…I am thinking that Isabella’s mom is/was pregnant?…just looked like it with the way her shirt was fitted…
This show gave me a headache, and now I have an even bigger one trying to comment on it! Great Recap as always DearCrabby!
When a commenter told us that Mickie is a drama teacher it all came together for me. This was not only an fixed “World Championship”, it was an extended audition for Eden’s awesomely bad acting. And Mickie’s over-emoting ass gave me a headache. For the unlucky attendees in that small room it must have been irritating as hell to be unwilling witnesses to Mickie’s dramatic scene shredding. Since Mickie wants a Hollywood career for Eden, maybe she should pay attention to the type of darling child just cast in Modern Family….no fake tan, no wig or eyelashes, just a precious, natural,
and bright looking child.
And poor Isabella. Her tushy, tushy, tushy, routine reminded me a how chimps at a zoo love to turn their backs on visitors. It’s lucky she didn’t throw something, if you know what I mean.
Thanks Crabby for another excellent recap.
Hey, anal-retentive types! This site has no spell check function. Typos happen. Let it the fuck GO. It’s getting increasingly annoying when someone posts, and then posts 2-5 more times correcting their original post. We know what you meant to say. Relax and release, ‘kay?
“I would like to think that Micki and I have created a manual that people would want to emulate in the future,” said Heather Ryan, Eden’s agent. “It’s like nothing else anybody has ever done.” ……well thank you so much, Heather.
And NWMTV, love your unbalanced seesaw analogy! You always make me laugh.
@NWMTV, this would all be solved with an edit function. Just sayin’ LOL.
Isabella’s hair was awful. If I was her mom I wouldn’t be bragging about how I did it myself.
An edit function on these T&T recaps would be confusing (and funny). Someone would post calling someone else a dumbass, and then after they get the response they are looking for, go back and erase the offending post, while creating a follow up post saying, “So-and-so..why are you so angry? I did nothing wrong!”
@NWMTV, Isn’t it relax, RELATE, release? Or am I the only one hear hooked on the “Different World” repeats they’ve been playing on TVOne lately?
Fuck, Fuck, FUCK!!!!! I meant HERE of course. (Sorry NWMTV, I’m one of those anal retentive types that annoy you)
I’ve got them on the DVR Kittkatt!
The Toddlers comments section is the main reason there is no edit button. LOL
Her middle name is Elexxa
Did anyone catch the part when Eden is spray tanning that guy and Mickie says “If your acting career doesn’t work out, you can be a spray tanner.” TELLING, isn’t it?
Frankly, this is EXACTLY why I stay the fuck away from Hollywood and do theatre in NYC and Toronto instead. Theatre is the stomping ground for people with real talent who want to act and do great work, not fame whores and money grubbers pimping out themselves or their children for a slice of the pie. Blech. Mickie Wood is why theatre people are kind of snobs about Hollywood, because of the no talent hacks trying to make a quick buck. Frankly, can’t say I blame anybody for feeling that way.
That poor delusional child. Eden is going to get a big wake up call when she goes through an awkward stage. Although apparently she already got a role in an animated movie, but I seriously doubt it’s anything decent. Mickie totally wants to be a movie star, but she’s far too annoying. I bet you she became a drama teacher because she failed as an actress. Guaranteed.
Eden’s middle name is Alexxa (yes, TWO x’es), and EE is a nickname for Eden.
Whenever I see Eden, all I see is the next Anna Nicole Smith – seriously she is like Anna Nicole re-incaranate. Anyone?
@missyshep – are you sure it isn’t “Elexxxa”?
OK – so the Cutie Patootie pageant is this weekend! Who’s up for a road trip – I’ll drive the first leg!
Blaargghhffhh!! I had to squirt hand sanitizer in my eyeballs after seeing Eden shaving “Pop’s” beer gut – that was more gross than any booger snacking from previous episodes. Nice mentoring, Micki…
Okay, I’m on the verge of borrowing someone’s young daughter in order to infiltrate one of these horrid pageants…and sit in the audience and heckle the crap out of those who deserve it, whether child or parent (but I want to make sure Betty is the emcee – I lurve me some Betty).
@ Chicken Lips: WHERE is the Shitty Patittie pageant (and how did you find out)??? Dish, honey!
@Wilma – it was in the link at the end of the recap. I’m not in the pageant circuit – I don’t have any kids and I had the misfortune of falling from the ugly tree and hitting a few branches on the way down. =)
It’s this Sunday in Kansas City, MO. It costs $10 to be a spectator, which is slightly cheaper than a baseball game. Think they have the hot dog gun to amuse the crowd in between competitions?
I clicked on the link….so now we know what Fransoly “does for work”. Yeah right. Eden looked like a hot mess! I could have done her hair better! That B&W picture that they have does not even look like Eden. How much you wanna bet, she will be a contestant in that pageant as well. Pageant Pointers from Mickie, you have got to be fucking kidding me! I would rather take pageant pointers from Savanah’s mom, Hell even Alaska’s mom!! I hope that TLC tapes this trainwreck and they do a special on it! She is charging 10 to get in the door, then 50 for an entry fee?!?! Yeah, I am going to have to go back and read that entry form again.
Oh, and how much hate mail do you think Fransoly is getting now?
I thought Alexis was adorable. She has features that will grow into a beautiful woman. Eden, on the other hand, while cute as a toddler will not likely be an attractive woman.
It makes me sad (and terrified!) that my children are growing up alongside misguided brats like Eden and Isabella (and all the other awful children in episodes past).
@Alison, the Pageant Pointers from Mickie are during Cute Camp! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
“Oh, Kentucky, I love that you have the Creation Museum for morons and yet embrace Darwin on your roads.” Best. Line. Ever. I’m rolling!
Wow…the website for the Cutie Patootie pagent really has all the bells and whistles. It looks like something I coded on Geocities back in 1994.
Allison, I thought the same thing. I was thinking of asking her to save appointments for my 3 daughters aged 5, 9, and 14. All with waist length hair that needed to be spital curled.
Did anyone else notice Alexis’s coach was Savannah’s mom (Shanna) AND Alexis was wearing the same (hideous) outfit for jungle wear that Savannah wore on her episode. it was horrible enough the first time I saw it!
http://www.google.com/imgres?q=jaden+smith+images&hl=en&rlz=1I7ADFA_en&biw=1021&bih=562&tbm=isch&tbnid=nPSKmmDqorrVPM:&imgrefurl=http://www.inquisitr.com/105800/jaden-OH! I forgot to point out who I thought Alexis looked like.
And he looks prettier than she does, sadly.
smith-was-paid-millions-to-star-in-karate-kid/&docid=1rR11lQDrXtbGM&w=350&h=263&ei=C-1JTqHxG4iNsQLf1JzKCA&zoom=1&iact=rc&dur=204&page=1&tbnh=130&tbnw=178&start=0&ndsp=19&ved=1t:429,r:6,s:0&tx=66&ty=93
Yes, Eden’s middle name is “Alexxa”, and her nickname is “EE” (don’t ask me why). Yes, that was Savannah’s mom, the woman who freaked out when she couldn’t get into her hotel room a few episodes back, and yes, that outfit Alexis wore WAS Savannah’s – don’t ask me what it has to do with “jungle wear”. One poster on another forum I belong to said that Alexis looks like a young George Foreman, and she’s right. I was so tired of hearing Alexis’s mom go on about how beautiful she was, and of course, Mickey was nauseating. I don’t understand why they had to shave “Pops” since he wore a long shirt during the jungle routine. Also, why does Mickey have those horrible props made – they’re so over the top for these rinky-dink pageants! I think that whole thing with Eden crying and Mickey telling her they could go home was completely put on for the cameras – Eden could hardly keep a straight face at the end. Such bullshit. Isabella’s mother was a homely bitch who needs to take her out of pageants. And yes, Isabella won mini-photogenic supreme, that is why she had the big crown (but of course, TLC didn’t show it). Isabella was also sticking out her tongue at her dad, not the winner – again, clever editing.
Way to funny crabby! I think you hit the nail on the head with this one. Mickie is a fame whore and her daughter will be a washed up druggie/alcoholic by the time she is 14, Isabella will be on prime time by the time she is 14 for killing her mother in a rage over making her do pageants and Alexis will be just another kid in middle school at 14 (not the oober star her mom thinks she will be-because she is soooo beautiful! I mean she just has that facial beauty that most kids dont have…lol) This episode totally got on my nerves with Mickie’s over-exagerated acting, Monica’s “my daughter is so pretty” comments and Isabella’s mommy’s delusional thinking that her daughter is the bomb digitty of pageants with her jacked up hair and nasty attitude! SHE DOES NOT WANT TO DO PAGEANTS- GET THAT THROUGH YOUR HEAD CRAZY WOMAN!
and WHY did they have to shave Pops in the woods??
Alexis totally looks like Jaden Smith. I also agree that she will grow into her looks though.
And the reason why Isabella’s mom won’t go back to competing and has resorted to forcing her child into it is because she knows that she’s too ugly to win anything.
”
Wow…the website for the Cutie Patootie pagent really has all the bells and whistles. It looks like something I coded on Geocities back in 1994.”
I know …. I was thinking the same thing …. it looks Godawful … CSS anyone?
I’m a frequent lurker, but I’ve never posted. I had to sign up just to sing your praises DearCrabby. Almost makes me want to enter my daughter in one of these godawful things just to see what you’d write about us lol.
Mickie is sickening but I think Heather wins the most vile human being award for this episode. Both are terrible actresses but I thought she was overly rehearsed and it was obvious she was lying. The whole pageant was a scam and even though these pageant moms deserve whatever they get it was unfair to the kids. Heather deserves a special place in hell for screwing them over.
As for Mickie, the nonstop choking up with fake tears was laughable and running around screaming like a banshee when Eden won was mortifying. It just added insult to injury all the parent that dished out money for their kids to play supporting roles in the Eden Show. I can’t wait for that kid to dye her hair black, discover Marilyn Manson and go full-on Goth. We can only hope. FREE EDEN!
As for Isabella’s mom, I hope she gets shot then hit by bus on her way to the hospital, then ends up getting stuck on train tracks then run over by a train as a coup de grâce. AAAhhhh, one can only dream.
You people on here are so disrespectful.. I mean really.. why would you get on here and talk about these kids and their parents like this. What is your son or daughter doing.. for real.. and find a job and a LIFE.. you dont have one if this is all you have to do is to get on this site and talk about people. If you dont like the show why the hell watch it!! I dont have my kids in pageants but they are very active in sports and its all the same. Leave these innocent children alone!!
Viewer – I think the bigger question is why YOU would get on here – a site that is clearly intended to be satire and get all high and mighty about it. You’re no better than we are for trying to shame all of us into thinking we’re bad people. Is that how you make yourself feel good about who you are? Because that’s pretty pathetic and maybe you need to take your place alongside these pageant parents.
As for what are my kids doing? They’re straight A’s, studying violin, and volunteering. What they’re NOT doing wearing flippers, shaking their booty and shaving and tanning adopted grandpa’s. They’re also NOT developing shallow, superficial, performance based pseudo confidence. That comes from having a parent with a job who understands that a dose of snark, here or there only hurts people who can’t take a joke. You need to get a life and stop coming to this site and getting your panties in a wad.
DJ Macaroni Salad… first of all what a name.. LMAO .. I do shame you because YOU hun are getting on this site and talking and trashing these innocent children who have dont NOTHING to anyone. I dont think YOU or ANYONE else commenting pays any bills for these parents or what their kids are involved in so therefore YOU dont have any right saying what their children can and cant do. Must I say that you would not like it if someone was making fun of your child for playing violin and volunteering.. could make some real jokes about that too. Oh and for the record .. I have a job.. a very successful one. More than I can say for you since you spend all of your time on here bashing these children and talking about their parents.. I think that is Sick!!! You dont know any of these kids or their parents.. oh and for the record.. have you heard of Editing!! That is what TV doe my friend is edit what they want to show.. I know since I am in that business.. I know alot of comments are going to be made but I just have a problem with anyone cutting down and talking bad about someones child!!
@Viewer-I would respect you opinion if your English wasn’t so horrible. Why are you on here defending people/children you don’t know? Why waste your time from your successful job/limited off time defending people who don’t give a crap about our opinions?
You get mad when people defend children but you are insulting DJ Macaroni Salad herself so it is the pot calling the kettle black.
I <3 you Crabby! Great recap as always!
Sorry, I should have said insult and not defend. My mistake.
@Viewer – Fess up – which one of these kids is yours??
People like you are what makes the comment section of T&T so damn entertaining!
I so agree with the Viewer.. bashing someone’s child is unprofessional and very childish.
@ Parisi Laroe.. Your opinions along with everyone else dont matter. I dont have any kids on the show and never have. All I am saying is talking crap about someones child is ridicoulous. I dont have to know someone to take up for their children. I have children of my own and if you are any type of a mother you would feel the same way but evidentally you are not. If you want to talk crap about someone then post your name if you think you are all that. Bet you wont do that now will you. Didn’t think so. Talk shit but cant back it up.
Sooooooooooo – your real name is Viewer? ‘Cause you sure are talking some shit.
Should we or shouldn’t we?
Someone else do it. I’m in a reading mood.
I will never believe despite your insistence that whatever I say makes me or anyone else a bad person; ridiculous, I know better. And make fun of my kids all you want, it wouldn’t phase me or them because we have REAL CONFIDENCE. That’s knowing that in the face of criticism and character assassination you’re a good person that is perfect, whole and complete simply for being on this planet. Authenticity. Being who you are and not what your stage other wants you to be.
As for the paying of the bills – WTF does that have to do with anything? You’re right I don’t pay their bills but I gather from the families I see on this show they most likely don’t pay them either. I entitled to my opinion. Try as you might, there are no limits as to what I think or say. Period.
I hate to be a stickler since this is a message board but I have heard of editing. Perhaps you have not; “a lot” is two words not one. I guess your very successful job doesn’t require proper grammar or spelling. It also doesn’t seem to interfere with your ability to waste time on this board. How much time have you spent engaging in petty spats with strangers about nothing peculiarly important? I think that GET A LIFE also applies to YOU. Leave me and us alone. Go visit a website where someone actually cares about what you have to say.
Bwahhahahahahaah, who do this pageant parents think they are fooling. *Wipes tear* unprofessional…..ON A SNARK WEBSITE. BWHAHAHAHAHAHA, I can talk about anyone who subjects there child to national television. Once you sign the dotted line on the reality television agreement….nothing shall remain untouched.
Where is NWMTV when you need him?
Forgot to add my comments are directed at @viewer.
Toddler and Tiaras commentors goes down as having the most batshit crazy commentors. How blessed are you watchers of this show to have a comment war almost every week!!!
I don’t watch because I don’t like children. Like in general…I don’t like em.
*these. @classy drunk T&T recaps are what got me watching the show!!! Yes where is NWMTV, maybe still eying that cute co-worker…
I agree, Mimo, Mere, Parisi.
Yes, please tell us your name, Viewer. My name is Paige and I am writing this at work. Please, get mad about it. It sounds like you need more anger in your life. Obviously, us tvgasm-ers are lowly, trashy tv watching dummies, and you…I am sure Jesus was really happy when he made you. But alas, he forgot to give you the ability to see humor in situations. You sound like a person who likes to stir things up in the name of “doing the right thing,” then you get into your new Mercedes, grab lots of Starbucks and drive to your mansion and feel better about yourself at night because you give a dollar a day to hungry kids in Africa.
“…then you get into your new Mercedes, grab lots of Starbucks and drive to your mansion and feel better about yourself at night because you give a dollar a day to hungry kids in Africa.”
Plockeness… how dare you judge my lifestyle!
The lattes, they’re just so good!
@Viewer-First of all, that is my real name. I am married see? But if you insist, my name is ANGELA Parisi-LaRoe. I have Flipit change it because I got sick and tired of seeing Angela Parisi-Laroe and when people responded to my comments, they put my full name. Real fancy huh? Guess I can back it up. I even put it in all caps for you so you can understand it better. What is your real name?
Second of all, I am a mother to a beautiful 3 and 1/2 year old son. I am also smart enough to realize that if I do not want my son to be made fun of, I probably wouldn’t put him on TV or in A PAGEANT. When you put your kids in a pageant/TV and then get pissed when people make fun of them, you are asking for it. Common sense there sunshine. Where is yours?
People only make fun on my son when he does something cute or something so funny that it has to be. You know, like when people fall or he says “toofh” instead of “tooth”. Quite being so sensitive.
I must be a horrible mother being on this site. OH NO! What am I going to do with someone on the internet doesn’t like me? The world is ending! Flipit, Nads, and Crabby, SAVE ME!!!
just reading this.. WOW.. you all are talking about this lady coming on here or whoever it is taking up for kids not posting her name well you guys arent either.. Kind of the same situation. You people really get into this I guess.. WOW.. I am amazed at all the critism. It is kind of sad though!
@Viewer, we also make fun of kids in the RHoNJ recaps. Especially that little hellion Milania. Come and join us over there…the Housewives recaps hasn’t seen a comment war in a long time. We need someone like you to stir things up. (If your success here is any indication.)
Technically, *everyone* we make fun of at the Gasm is someone’s child, right? Therefore, on every recap, we are making fun of people’s children. Dang, Viewer, you really have your work cut off for you…
Good luck!
@classy-I don’t have children, well because I don’t think that it is ever going to happen. Like. EVER. I watch this show because, well I don’t know. I got sucked in because everyone was talking about the Eden/Makenzie show down, and I wanted to see what the big deal about this Ni-Ni character was. Not Knowing that Ni-Ni was actually infact her pacifier!
I Don’t think I have ever made a rude comment toward a kid. Now if they are a BRAT then I will totally say that they are a brat. All kids can be bratty at times. Hell I have even told my 7 yr old cousing that she is being a brat! Now do I feel sorry for some of these kids, fluck yes I do. You can tell that some of them DON’T WANT to be ON STAGE!! You can also tell which ones do. As for the moms of these kids. IDK. Lets take Brock’s mom, she isn’t making him do it, he wants to do it. That kid is going somewhere and She is there every step of the way. He wants to be on Broadway some day, and she is encouraging that kid to do whatever he wants…Mickie, well that bitch wants Hollywood like it is going out of style and she is making her kid do everthing she can to get mom to Hollywood! Some of the crap that happens on this show is freaking hilarious, IE Peyton off roading in her Little Red Wagon.
I don’t think I have ever once made fun of one of these kids. I make fun of their moms because its the moms that make this show the crazy that it is. If it is ok for one of the moms to call her kid a brat on national TV then, why can’t I?
JMO here!
Oh yeah, and I think last week was the last episode of the season. It is not on tonight.
I hope someone whips out some Bible versus soon to support their argument about how we’re all going to hell because it’s not a real T&T comment war without ‘em!
Thank you Alison.. now thats what I like to read instead of negative all the time.
Why would you not post your real name if you are commenting.. I’m not either BUT why would you continouos change your name.
Let me go and get….oh wait, I don’t have a Bible! The Lord himself would probably strike me down….
HAHHAH! Although I did make it through a Catholic Wedding Ceremony without anything happening to me..
@mere, just wait, someone will turn up with a few versus!
Maybe we can get Spike in here to say a prayer, perhaps…
are you people making fun of the bible?? WOW.. thats real smart of you.
Funny thought I had my real name up…and a picture of my unexploited children.
Ooh, I have one!
“Spare the rod, and spoil the child.”
Some of these kids don’t need a spray tan, they need a backhand.
@Monae Linder-They are very cute!! I used to have my son as well but I am such a sucker for this photo on mine of Anna Torv.
@Sarcasatire-LOL! I <3 you!
your picture says alot for you!! LOL.. you people are freakin nuts! bet you would change your mind if the script was turned toward you and your children. WOW..
Why hasn’t anyone commented on Eden’s joyous–thrilled–relieved response to her win? I may keep this episode on the DVR just to preserve the very moment when this kid’s life peaked. It’s obviously all downhill from here. (Viewer, I don’t use my real name because only an idiot would use his/her real name on the Internet. Don’t you ever watch Lifetime movie???)
movies???
hmm-guess that makes me an idiot then!
I have to tell you something. I have been informed by PM that Viewer and Character is really Flipit. And he is capable of whipping out Bible verses on you all.
(I know I’m really late to the party (I can’t comment at work – the Man is keepin’ me down!), so think of me as the one that was at another party and rolled into yours all drunked up from the earlier party…)
@Viewer – I watch the show and I comment. I have been known to talk about how these kids are destined for a life on the pole if something doesn’t change soon. While I’m not on the pole, girls I grew up with ARE on the pole…and this is how it started – they were all tarted up at 7, 8, 9 and craved the spotlight. Some kids went into drama, others into “dancing”. That’s just the way of the world. Thank you for making fun of me for watching trashy TV and enjoying snarking about it online.
By the way – my dad just called. He wants you to stop picking on his innocent child since I’ve done nothing to you and you don’t pay my bills.
I haven’t been reading the T&T recaps for a while, but when I heard there were pageant moms pretending not to be, and pitching a fit and falling in it because people have the audacity to comment on seeing children publicly exploited to fulfill their parents’ sad little dreams, I had to come and play, too.
Ya want an applicable bible verse? Try this one: Proverbs 22:6 “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” Of course, the reverse of this verse is also true. In other words, pageant moms, put your child on stage dressed like a little hooker, teach her how to shake her ass for the pervs to enjoy, and then don’t be stunned when she grows up and makes a cheap buck swinging on a brass pole to support her crack habit as she numbs herself to forget what crappy parents she had.
@Viewer … “If you dont like the show why the hell watch it!!”
Oh believe you me…I LOVE THIS SHOW!!! If ever I am feeling like parenting four healthy happy children is getting the best of me, I can watch this show and feel like mother of the year again. Why should I care more about the children featured than their own parents? The majority of the families featured on T & T are psychotic and the things they put their children through are borderline abuse. Granted there are a few that seem to have it together but they are few and far between.
And I would say “Go away,” to you – but you are just too hilarious to laugh at…who comes on a snark website and blabbers on with their righteous indignation?
Well it took long enough, but it seems some pageant moms showed up. Now we are properly chastised,horrified and soooooo sorry that we ever made fun of the delusional Moms and their tarted up darlings. Yes, I’ll never do it again. Not til next season. See you then, don’t be late now, you’re so much fun!
There’s no way that “viewer” isn’t a pageant mom (or grandmother/aunt/best friend of a pageant mom/director, etc). Her atrocious spelling and grammar is textbook “pageant parent” that we’ve seen on this show. She needs to realize that this is a snark site where people go to make fun and get a good laugh. If you don’t like it, then don’t read it. See you next season! (P.S., @viewer – I too have a job – I actually have a PhD – this show is my guilty pleasure, and I don’t use my real name because my colleagues at work would probably be horrified that I watch this drivel! However, as one viewer previously mentioned – watching it makes me feel like a really good mother! Also, who could resist Crabby’s recaps! They’re better than medicine!)
I’m pretty sure there’s something in the Bible about not dressing women up like wanton whores…or allowing them to speak in public. So there you go, the word of Jesus speaking up against these silly little freak shows and posting stupid comments on the Internet.
@happymom you are so right. The dead give away for a pageant mom is the atrocious grammar and spelling. Also, you have got to nuts to put your real name on ANY website for security reasons! Please people don’t do it no matter how hard you’re provoked. Let’s be safe out here so we can all enjoy your remarks come next season!
you dont put your name on here because your ass is too damn scared that someone might find you .. its easy to hide behind your computer.. LMAO at you.. you really are a dumbass.. I dont even watch the show I just get on here and read these stupid comments that you people post…saying that the viewer is responding to you well you are responding as well so you look just as stupid as she does.. but for someone that has a PHD you sure as hell dont act like it… WOW.. so amazed at you!!!
Where is the LIKE button… LMAO
@happymom, I think you are SMART. Go on with your PhD!!!!
Viewer, Showtime, Denise, Q. – SUCK IT.
“you dont put your name on here because your ass is too damn scared that someone might find you”
Rightttttt…so then why is everyone on facebook? Isn’t it easy to find people on there? Gasm is a snarky website so everyone has snarky names.
Alas, damn Flipit makes it so I have to log all the way out of Facebook just to post here *shakes fist*. Thanks@Angela P-L…they are my heart and soul:).
How come Viewer and Showtime haven’t posted their real names? I’m fascinated to find out which kids are theirs!
Why don’t we take a look at what Viewer posted on the T & T minicap…we have our answer as to why she is such a raging bitch right here:
” watched the episode and was even there at the pageant. My daughter competed but did not win a high title. I thought the pageant was very fair and everyone got what they deserved. Eden did an outstanding routine and Alexis was awesome also. Both are beautiful girls. As far as Isabella I have to agree… she hates pageants and her mom acted like a real B**** at the pageant. They didn’t show everything either.. she was awful to Isabella and Isabella treated her like she was a nobody. Her hair and makeup was a hot mess! She only got princess out of her group which is pretty much a token gift. She won nothing!!! I absolutely hated Isabella’s mom, and how she wouldn’t stop complaining. Your kid didn’t lose because the pageant was unfair, she lost because SHE DID TERRIBLE ON STAGE. And she hates pageants.”
She’s a fucking pageant mom.
Point Plockness!
Viewer your rebuttal…
TOLD YOU! Wow, “plockeness”, you are a super-sleuth! Great detective work! I can’t believe “viewer” would be stupid enough to post on the mini-cap and then come here claiming NOT to be a pageant mom. And @ viewer – the only reason I don’t use my real name is because I teach at a university and don’t need my students checking out my online activity. I’m certainly not afraid of some trailer trash pageant mom with (apparently) no education. And if that description doesn’t match you, it certainly matches 90% of the pageant moms we’ve seen on this show.
I’ve been thinking about this whole “edit function” that is so badly needed.
I believe there is one and flipit is the only one that can access it.
Then he gets into a post and FUCKS WITH IT until grammar, spelling, and punctuation leaves the poster appearing to have the education of a Gypsy bride.
I swear he’s doing it to me right now because I have been at this post for 23 minutes….red squiggly line after red squiggly line.
Happy Mom, you are so funny! T&T is also my guilty pleasure! I would never tell anyone that I watch this show. It’s my favorite train wreck! Isabella’s mom was pathetic! Isabella hated pageants! Leave that child alone! The way Christy said “Tushy Tushy Tushy” I wanted to vomit! Alexis is not very attractive. Not a brat either, so that was a plus. The Eden and gramps scene sent chills up my spine! Mickey just thought it was the funniest thing she’s ever seen. Mickey is a demented women.
DearCrabby,
I LOVE your articles on Toddlers and Tiaras. Seriously, I watch the episode each week on youtube and read along with these at the same time and crack up
My question
Who 7wrote the atocious script for Mickie? The panic about the clothing delivery? She used it twice, and since the first time we saw it was the second time she performed it, she did not improve. A Drama teacher? Should she have an agent also?
As for poor Isabella, her mother should invest in a human hair wig, not synthetic, it looked like something a teenager would buy in a mall kiosk for 25 dollars.
I am
Hey…when did everybody get here?
I love it when angry moms post – and the comment that you can tell who they are by grammar/spelling…hee!
Also – I should have made more of it being the season finale, but somehow I missed that (and so did Flipit – he was the one who told me!)…we really need to stop drinking so early in the morning.
Thanks for all the comments this season!
@ jaimesommers, on behalf of the rest of the religious fuckwits, KISS MY ASS! People like you remind me of Hitler! POS! Yeah, I may be religious, but I will stand up for myself when attacked, so suck it! I think people like you are half-wits for basing your entire belief system on an unproven theory, so roll your religious intolerance into a large ball and CRAM IT up your ape-like anal orifice!
Yeah, @jamiesommers, it’s better to base your entire belief system on an invisible entity and a Jewish carpenter who lived 2000 years ago, duh!
I think it was the comment about Precious Moments figures that pushed @saffie over the edge. Don’t know for sure of course, because I was so distracted by her obvious intolerance and lovely turn of phrase….is that what you call Christian love
100!!! Woo-hoo!
I hate Teresa
An I HATE TERESA!! YAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!
my real name is Crazy Rooster, honest!
Wow, giff and Flipit…you’re not talking about MOTHER TERESA are you?
I mean, that’s sorta asking for it, don’t you think?
LOL @ Alice!!!!!!!
Huh, you go to work and shit gets real. Real World! Tvgasm
Fan-Ann, I speak from experience. In 2007 my cousin and I had sent a few emails back and forth which contained some irreverent jokes about Mother Teresa, when suddenly, a news bulletin came on…Mother Teresa was dead! My cousin immediately called me and asked, “Do you think we killed her?” Of course we did. And worse, neither of us has ever brought it up in confession. Straight to hell in a handbasket, both of us.
Tonight I saw 2 commercials on TLC for T&T saying that this coming Wednesday there will be an ALL NEW episode! So dearcrabby, get your drink on and be watching for us!
Alice, I used to have a King Charles spaniel. One Halloween I put a scarf over her head and told everyone she was Mother Teresa and the resemblance was startling. So you and your cousin can look for me in that special section for those who tease about saints….I’d say I was ashamed, but if I lie that’s another transgression. No hope at all.
Ok, Fan-Ann, the scarf story does it…best image ever. I would hang out with you and love every minute of it.
Wouldn’t it have been great if one of the T&T contestants had done Mother Teresa for Outfit of Choice?
Whoa…how did I miss this? The Eden Cutie Patootie Freakshow is coming to KC this Sunday? What?
Alice…Tried to comment, but my computer freaked out when I submitted, so I’ll try again…if you don’t go see the Patootie Frootie Freakshow and come back here to comment on it Dear Crabby style, I’ll be devastated. I’ll check back on Sunday evening, fingers crossed.
Hmmm, what should I do…work on lesson plans or go see the Freakshow? Maybe I’ll put on massive amounts of eyeshadow and get a long blonde wig. It’s at 9 am…oh, God I must be nuts. I’m actually considering doing it! I can’t go with anyone because we’d be thrown out for laughing. (That’s why I never went to Graceland when I was in Memphis)
It’s not the season finale!
Is it just me, or does “Saffie’s” post seem rather out of sorts for a religious woman. I mean, the language, the verbal assault..really…WWJD? Certainly not use foul language and tell people to kiss his ass, methinks!
Nope, he would just strike your ass dead.
I like that about Him.
There is a new episode on tonight. The commercails said, back by popular demand!! But my tvguide on the tv says it is only 30 minutes. What the hell? anyone know about this?
Of course Alexis’s mom knew Eden was competing, they are both the directors clients. Everyone else was told that Eden was NOT competing and she would only be there for pictures and autographs. Someone even asked on her wall on facebook and she told everyone no, Eden would not compete because of conflict of interest. Then here she comes on stage and of course she wins. Mickie deserved an award herself for the way she carried on like she didn’t know she was gonna win.
No one said that she didn’t know she was competing.. The ones that claim that they didn’t know seems like to me they are scared to compete against Eden.. for what reason I dont know.. I compete my daughter no matter who is there.. if they do good against someone that can model good then that speaks for itself.. why run from the competition.
No, they did not know because they director told them she was not. I for one am not scared for my daughter to compete against Eden as long as it is at a REAL pageant and not one with tons of COI. Eden is not that facial and she does not have good stage presence, thus the huge OTT props to take attention away from the fact she is horrid on stage.
OH. MY. GOD. We have a pageant mom battle. What a way to spend my last 39 minutes at work before I go and get Jersey Shore drunk for no particular reason other than it’s Friday.
I have to agree with “pageantmama”. I have long believed that Eden’s huge props and over the top costumes are a way to make up for/distract from her lack of stage presence. Watching this past week’s episode (not reviewed yet) I was struck with the realization of how bad Eden is when little Kailia was on stage. At age 4, she rocked it and actually had a well choreographed routine. I thought to myself that Eden could never win against a kid like that, and that’s probably the real reason why she has “retired”. All she does is sashay around the stage and her face is pinchy. There are dozens of kids we’ve seen on the show who Eden couldn’t hold a candle to.
“Eden is not that facial…” Oh lord. Someone make the joke for me, because I just cannot bring myself to do it.
LOL@ Gypsy
One of the main reasons I fell in love with this site was the excellent level of snarkiness. Good snark is an art…and a sure sign of intelligence.
Now, here come the pageant moms. Not the sharpest knives…and certainly not the type to appreciate Dear Crabby’s acerbic wit. They come here and begin their hair pulling fights over whose tarted-up kid was unfairly favored by the judges, and the unfairness of their own kid’s sequined and tassled humpty dance routine not being awarded a higher title.
I realize that pageant moms are quick to point out that they have multiple graduate degrees, but surely there is another board they could go to and bitch slap each other around. They were pretty entertaining to read at first, but now I’m just embarrassed for them.
Except the luxuriating mom…I’d take her back. Maybe.
Gypsy, I have to agree with you…every time I hear the word “facial” used in reference to one of these girls I cringe!
Newbie here. Love the recaps! Hooked on show for some ungodly reason. Just like watching a train wreck; can’t turn away and almost feel sick to my stomach with guilt after watching and too embarrassed to tell anyone I watch it.
I am a single female in early 40s. No children (well, my furbaby is my daughter LOL). I am also a sexual abuse survivor and I have always felt if I could help JUST 1 person, it would be worth going thru the hell of the strongly ingrained scars that till this day keep me from having a normal relationship. Been thru lots of therapy, and still working on it.
I was absolutely appalled at the Eden shaving dirty old man in the “Rumble in the Jungle” pageant. That was just nasty and just proved how mentally unstable Mickie is.
With all the close up shots of her shaving his nipple and navel area, I perhaps wonder if TLC did this on purpose, hoping someone would speak up because I could only imagine what it would have felt like to witness such stomach turning behavior in person.
I worked with a lady (she was my office manager). Her sole reason for working was to support her 7 year old daughter in pageants, beginning when her daughter was 3 months old.
Her daughter was competing with JonBenet Ramsey. Please look up on youtube for “Painted Babies at 17″. It is a multi-part documentary following Brooke and another young lady and filmed in 2004 when each of these girls turned 17 and how their lives have changed.
Hint: Brooke quit at age 8 and the other girl still competes and lives in Louisiana, living with her mother sharing a bedroom with several siblings and pageant coaching.
I remember my boss was asked for her daughter to play JonBenet Ramsey in a movie and I was so glad that she refused. She was a nice lady and I don’t think she was near as pushy as that horrid Mickie Wood.
The girl, Asia, in the documentary reminds me of how Eden will probably end up. Either that, or end up like Anna Nicole Smith, or God forbid, JonBenet Ramsey.
I have long thought that JonBenet’s parents killed her, but after seeing the creepy judge and other things on T&T, I’m just not sure.
Also, the following is an interesting article about the delusional Mickie and they also interview my friend’s daughter, Brooke.
Please pass it along to as many people as possible. I want to bring Mickie Wood’s azz down. She is abusing and using Eden and it needs to be stopped. Momster Mickie
has built little Eden’s hopes up of being a “superstar” that I’m afraid she will be crushed if it doesn’t happen.
Then again, if she does become successful, good for her.
I hope I don’t get into trouble or posting link, but it has beten weighing heavy on my heart how this Mickie Wood is pimping out her daughter. Just sickening.
http://www.goodhousekeeping.com/family/new-moms/toddler-pageants-6
Thanks for letting me vent! I didn’t have anyone else to discuss it with since I’m too embarrassed to tell anyone I watch the show.
Have a great night!
Are they making fun of Makenzie in the attached video? I can be sure it is her face, but it sure looks like her eyes. Could be my bad.
If it is, someone needs to show it to Makenzie’s parents.
Makenzie has always been so gracious and not greedy. She always cheers Eden on and claps when others win. Bratty spoiled Eden has gotten the big head of being a “superstar” and has a ungracious attitude. God, I hate brats, but then again, can’t blame her. Gotta blame the parents.
Thanks for any input.
I think it Makenzie’s picture at point :50 seconds into the video.
Thanks again for letting me share; however, please delete if any problems with any of my posts.
Severe insomniac and can’t get that bitch Mickie out of my head.
About Mickie calling Eden “E-E”… it appears to be that her middle name is Alexxa? And yes, the double “x” is intentional. Oh, pageant names.
http://www.americanstardiscovery.com/home.html
carosombrero- love the cat in the hat
Ugh, this was painful to watch. Isabella’s mom was the biggest bitch I have ever seen!! First of all, her daughters hair looks like mine after rolling out of bed after a night of drinking. And second, she was hardly a speck compared to how Alexa and Eden performed. It isn’t their fault they are pro. and know how to win…
She was SO catty and passive aggressive. What a LOSER. Seriously, she had a bigger spare tire than my G6, and the flattest, nastiest hair I have ever seen. Bitch, please, learn how to use a curling iron, and stop doing a poof! Also, please blend your nasty cat-eyed shadow.
UGH! What is with these women. When she was bitching to her husband I was embarrassed for her. Saying how hilarious it was? Yeah, that a grown ass woman would ever act like that! Some people just shouldn’t be allowed to reproduce.