Finally, a pageant I can get behind…little kids beating the shit out of each other.
Rumble in the Jungle is this episode of Toddlers & Tiaras pageant and talk about a hot mess of competitors. The emcee is the creepy one from the recap Toddlers & Tiaras: Midwest Mommy Mayhem and he still hasn’t found a suit to fit. He asks who wants to be crowned “world champion” (uh, yeah, this is a small pageant in Louisville, Kentucky, you might want to chill on that) while the show editors play a faux version of “Eye of the Tiger.”
Someone’s still in his mother’s basement and his father’s suit.
Creepy “talent” agent Heather Ryan is the pageant director, which makes no sense since several of the kids she represents are in the pageant. It’s called conflict of interest, look it up if you can actually read, Heather. I remember the first time we met Heather, back in the episode where Eden gets that doll made to look like her. This agent is just trying to glom onto Mickie and whatever money she has left to pour into Eden. There’s just something about Heather that is plain icky. I think all agents are like that.
Seriously, she looks like a total pill.
She calls is a “world championship pageant” numerous times and says you’d better come prepared with a flipper, wigs, spray tan, glitz clothes and basically be Eden Wood, one of the contestants! Did you put this pageant together just for her? Tell the truth! The worst part? She also has another client competing that we are going to follow. She says she doesn’t think it will affect the outcome of the pageant because “I’m not a judge,” she says, followed with, “I don’t tell the judges what to score on.” Let’s hold this thought.
“In Kentucky, they breed pageant children from fetus,” Heather says. She forgot to add “smokers” to that list.
First up in Taylor, Arkansas, you know her, you love her, it’s Eden Wood. Mickie is showing Eden the “Eden Wood” book in case she forgot it existed. Like Mickie doesn’t read it to her every night before bed!
Eden tells us she’s five and as we all figured out in in the MiniCap and comments, this was filmed before Eden (and Ni-Ni sucker Mckenzie) went to LA and scarred everyone in front of Mann’s Chinese Theater with the Cutie Patootie song. My ears are still bleeding. Also, Eden isn’t as cute as she used to be.
But Mickie’s flipper looks very natural.
“I’m real, real famous,” she says. A legend in her own mind. Mickie practices with Eden and interviews that Eden has become known “internationally, just thanks to pageants.” And the book. And the doll. And the song. And apparently for charging the nice Aussies for autographs. Don’t you know they will throw you to the dingos? I love dingos just for this reason: Their penchant for pageant flesh! (also, grammarians, dingos and dingoes are both acceptable).
Oh man. I just went to throw some laundry in, picked up one of my dogs and sang the Cutie Patootie song to her. If I owned a gun, there’d be nothing but gray matter on the computer screen right now. Although all of my dogs really are cutie patooties. It’s from all the practice they get.
Anyway…we see footage from 60 Minutes Australia showing Eden’s crowns while Mickie tells us of all the “quality” shows Eden has been on…Joy Behar Show, CNN, The Talk on CBS…And we know how good all of those shows/networks really are, don’t we?
Eden practices but she’s really not that good and we all know mostly what she does is get onstage and wiggles but the props are what make the show. “Do you know how much money I have spent?” Mickie asks, followed by this sound, “H-OH!” She says it’s been around $100,000. “But if I hadn’t, would I be sitting here doing this interview?” Probably. Look at the other butthead mothers. TLC doesn’t have a money-threshold for the people they follow, it’s more an I.Q. threshold…the lower, the better!
Over in Georgetown, Kentucky, semi-fugly three year old Isabella and mom Christy show us how living your life through your children will only backfire. Christy was a pageant girl and very blonde back in the day (guess only the backseat of the Camaro knew the truth) and she tells us she never lost a title.
Christy tells us Isabella has done 30 pageants and has only lost one. Better gird your loins for this one, then. Christy lets us in on a little secret: Isabella doesn’t like to practice and she likes to see how far she can push things. In my house, I’d be pushing Isabella back, but Christy prefers her angry doormat response.
My decisions are based on how tight my hair is that day.
Isabella won’t practice and Christy is getting madder. She interviews that sometimes there is a meltdown and we see Isabella turning over a plastic chair in her room. Nice anger management. Christy says although Isabella likes to think she’s in control, “Mommy’s always the boss.” Whatever you need to believe to get you through the day. Footage never lies.
Let’s wreck the joint!
Isabella refuses to stand up so finally Christy puts her on the floor and tells her if she doesn’t practice, she can’t go. That may be the point. She threatens that you don’t win crowns if you don’t practice. Sure you do, we see it every week!
Finally, in Mayfield, Kentucky, we meet bi-racial Alexis, 5 , and mom Monica. Alexis is cute but honestly looks like a boy in the face. She’s been doing pageants for years and grandma Nana says the only thing they were told is to work on Alexis’s personality. Then the crack editors show us footage of Alexis just sitting there while crickets sound. Hee.
Or maybe she’s just worried about the encroachment occurring on either side of her!
Monica says Nana is her pageant sidekick which probably helps when asking for money (who wants to fight his wife AND mother?). Monica says Alexis is always winning supreme titles which leads me to believe they are entering her in lame-ass local contests. I’m sorry, but this kid just ain’t a pageant girl. I’d like to see her win in Texas.
However, this does make pull-my-finger a much more glamorous joke.
Back with Mickie and Eden, Heather is taking them to the recording studio so they can record the song SHE wrote for Eden, “Cutie Patootie.” At least now we know who to send some of the hate mail to. Heather is in the recording booth with her for some reason, maybe to do backup, then we hear that nasty sound and Eden starts yelling, “CUUUTIE, CUTIE PATOOOOTIE…” and it ends with “Donald Trump keep it real!” Yeah, he knows better than to touch this pile of patootie.
Yoko Ono started the same way…which makes this all the more wrong.
“You rocked that stage!” Heather says. Not only does it sound forced, she’s not onstage. Geez Louise, Heather, how stupid are you? Stupid enough to suck Mickie dry!
Heather says they knew that if they did this record they could do a cute little tour and “take her out to the Midwest and to the malls.” Yeah, we might be rubes in some things, but we’re not that desperate for entertainment. We have cable and cow-tipping, you know.
Over at Express tan, Monica is taking her HALF BLACK child to get spray-tanned. Alexis is actually very good-natured and goes through the process with a smile on her face. Seriously, get this kid into the science fair, she looks too smart to do this dumbass stuff.
My daughter is not as ethnic as I’d like, can you help?
Nana says she doesn’t need a spray tan. “I was born with mine,” she laughs. Oh my God, I bet she makes the best Sunday dinners. She just strikes me as that kind of grandma. And the kind that shows you how to do the pie crusts just right.
Back with Isabella, Christy says she does all the hair and makeup for the pageants because she knows that’s how Isabella will be perfect. I think you mean “look perfect,” kid is kind of a monster. In her defense, and you know I don’t defend these kids often, Isabella clearly hates everything about pageants. EVERYTHING. So no wonder she hates the perpetrator of them: Her mother.
Poor photographer Sarah is with Isabella to take some photographs, but Isabella won’t give up her sucker. Sarah admits Isabella is challenging and that you have a “30-second window before she wants to flip out on you.” I don’t know if Sarah is new to Isabella, but if she’s not, it sounds like this is an ongoing problem. Fun.
Christy chases Isabella down the stairs and goes to bring her upstairs. She firmly says, “Are you all done? Are you ALL DONE? ARE YOU ALL DONE?” Isabella just screams and cries. She sits with her back to the photographer as her mother interviews that it only takes one good photo to outscore everyone in the competition. The only thing is, I’m pretty sure the other kids FACED the camera for their photos.
Although let’s be honest…this really is your best side.
Back in Mayfield, we’re about to get crack-a-lackin’ at the…WTF? Chiropractor? They are having Alexis adjusted. You have got to be kidding me. Nana interviews that she’s been bringing Alexis since she was a baby. What baby needs an adjustment? What doctor would do that? WHAT THE HELL? Alexis gets her neck cracked.
And we all know the story of a friend’s cousin’s wife who went to the chiropractor and had her neck broken and became paralyzed from the neck down after a simple adjustment.
“She’s the only pageant girl who has came to the chiropractor for an adjustment,” Monica interviews. How about “caming” to a grammar teacher, moron? Also, I love chiropractors, they do great work, but again, WTF? It is NOT going to give her an extra edge.
Oh my God. Here we go. We see Eden, Mickie, and some very white guy outside of Mickie’s house as she explains that “Pops is Eden’s adoptive grandfather.” Probably because Mickie and her husband were so damn old when Eden was born that her real ones are dead. And twirling in their graves after this upcoming scene.
Something really, really bad is about to happen here.
Pops is going to help Eden with her Rumble in the Jungle routine – playing Tarzan to her Queen of the Jungle. Any normal man would probably have said no, but Pops said yes and is now allowing Eden to shave the hair off of his body before she tans him.
A five year old is shaving hair off an older man before she tans him. Isn’t this the major problem in Indonesia and Thailand? Even creepier is the close-up of the man’s belly as she shaves him. She also shaves his arms, although it does look like she’s using the wrong side of the electric shaver, doesn’t it? Or is that the scraper? Also, I don’t need to see a close-up of this man’s nipple getting shaved and I sure as hell don’t need to see a little girl doing it. This is GROSS and WRONG on so many levels.
Doesn’t Lisa Ling report on shit like this? Bai Ling? Lucy Lui? Someone Asian.
Then the spray-tan gun comes out. Nothing like stayin’ inside the lines for a five year old…she is giving him major stripes and OMG, no one needs to see his underarm. Mickie says she’ll have to do some “touch-ups” before the competition. And now we know where a school teacher is getting the money for the pageants. Seriously, where is dad? Probably out screwing a pageant queen.
Because God knows he’s not getting it here, where elocution lessons go to die.
Back in Georgetown, Isabella is going to get her nails done which Christy tells us she really hates. Shocking. Outside the salon, we hear Isabella whining and crying and Christy asking her what her problem is. I think it’s you, bitch. This isn’t like eating her vegetables – the kid HATES PAGEANTS. And P.S. she hates you too.
Pageants really do bring mothers and daughters closer than ever.
Isabella says she doesn’t want to go and Christy is pulling her and through her teeth yells, “I said you gotta go inside!” It’s kind of scary, I don’t think we’ve ever seen a pageant mom be this nasty. Then she admits they don’t normally take her to the salon to get her nails done but are since this is a glitz pageant. That makes no sense since she’s been doing these pageants for years. Wouldn’t they always be there then?
“The whole concept is to have her looking like a perfect little doll,” Christy says, oblivious to how bad that really sounds. How about her looking like the little girl that she is? And how is looking perfect an achievable goal? Christy, perhaps you should start competing again.
Back with Alexis, she is practicing outside and folks, she really, really, really has a boy’s face. I don’t know how to explain it, but it’s weird. Then Monica says something very telling. “I know Alexis is going to have a lot of great competition there. I know Eden is going to be there and she’s one of the best if not the best,” she says, which leads me to believe that everyone KNEW that Eden was going to compete, not that she would just be hanging out charging for signing autographs. It’s clear Monica knew it and she can barely speak English properly, so my guess is most people did. If they didn’t they weren’t paying attention.
More Cosby cute than pageant pretty, you know?
Alexis makes Nana be Eden Wood as they practice and Nana says Eden is “phenomenal.” Meh. Nana says the only thing that is similar is that she is somewhat blonde, but Eden’s is real. And you have more class than she does Nana! Work it!
“Eden is a beautiful little girl and that is Alexis’s major competition,” Monica says. So Eden’s competing. Thanks for clearing that up a second time. Also, Alexis is in big trouble.
Back with said competition, Eden is practicing her “Jane, Queen of the Jungle” and basically it’s the Vegas routine all over again. She comes out, shakes her shoulders, and there you go. Now that I think about it, Eden really isn’t in gymnastics or dance or anything like that, is she? I mean, her routines are rarely dance routines or well-thought out, it’s her shimmying and shaking on a stage with a lot of props.
Eden says she practices every day and “that’s the hateful part” but “she loves it.” She is totally bi-polar on this subject. Then she does some moves in her room and it’s pretty funny.
Christy is telling Isabella that they are ready for the pageant and Isabella’s face says they really, really aren’t. Christy interviews that Heather Ryan is not only the pageant director but the agent for Alexis and Eden, and she’s a little concerned about how things will be judged, especially with Eden. Christy is in complete denial when she says between Eden and Isabella, it should be “fun to watch.” Only for recappers and commenters, sister.
I wish you’d leave my room…and the house…and my life!
As they leave, I notice none of them are wearing seatbelts and Isabella is not in a car seat that I could see. Oh, Kentucky, I love that you have the Creation Museum for morons and yet embrace Darwin on your roads.
Pageant day! The pageant is in lovely Louisville, Kentucky, which I really love – great city. Sadly, they have creepy emcee back as Heather tells us they have talent scouts and casting agents judging the pageant today. In Louisville. Uh-huh.
Wow, the world championship pageant really brings out the…tens of people.
Heather continues to be fake-excited by telling us the winner will get a huge crown, a $1000 bond, a contract (for what, she does not say), a walk-on role in a commercial (for what, she does not say), head shots, photo sessions (are those different? Dirty!), “everything you could ever need to get involved in the modeling and acting world. It’s everything every pageant child wants.” Or at least their parents do. Also, what you want in terms of acting is a lead role in a Spielberg film. What you offered will get people bit parts in porn.
Heather says Eden is the best of the best as we see a photo of her with a title that reads, “Eden and the Chipmunks.” You have GOT to be shitting me. What the hell is that, another horrible record? Oh, and there’s the Eden doll in the Vegas costume. Barf.
How does Heather talk about Alexis? “Alexis has been around awhile,” she says. “They have brought their A-game. It will be great to see how she competes.” Wow. That was enthusiastic. Is everyone still awake?
This guy is, and he’d like to thank his Mee-Maw for picking out this tie for him the last time she babysat him.
Heather tells us that Isabella’s mom will do whatever it takes to win. We know, we’ve seen how she pushes her kid into doing something she HATES. Then she says some bullshit about how the child who wins this pageant will be considered the best child in the pageant industry. “I can’t wait to see who takes home that world championship title.” Get a grip already!
Christy interviews that Isabella’s hair and makeup will be done by her, “Like always.” Isabella is having none of it. She is convinced Isabella will win a supreme title. Isabella whines and cries.
More fun than pulling poison ivy out of your garden. Or not. I have my dad get mine, so I’m not sure.
Mickie tells us she’s in the middle of chaos. She bitches that the hair and makeup person had all these other kids to do so she sort of ignored Eden – and I think we did determine it was Fransoly. Maybe she f#cked Eden up on purpose – was her daughter in the pageant? Look for the most abused kid onstage.
Fransoly is combing one of the hairpieces and Mickie tells her to put the other one on (?) and Fransoly seems like she’s crying and she excuses herself to the bathroom. That’s why I wasn’t sure it was her – she’s feisty. But maybe the legend of Eden carries more weight than, well, Fransoly.
I’m used to being the one doing all the abusing!
Eden tells Franoly to roll with it and “monitor and adjust.” Why weren’t the hairpieces done last night? Why didn’t Mickie hire her OWN hair and makeup person that was strictly for Eden alone? That makes no sense. She bitches that in all the time they’ve been doing pageants, this has never happened.
Mickie starts to hyperventilate and says that Eden has to be downstairs at 9:25 and asks Fransoly how she can help. “Just calm down?” she asks and Fransoly says, “Yes.” Mickie sighs heavily.
Did Fransoly punch Eden? About damn time someone did.
Then Mickie decides to check on the dress and jewelry lady. NOW? She tells us that Eden’s clothes ONCE AGAIN had to be sent to the hotel and she needs to see if they are in. Just as the pageant is about to start. Like I mentioned in the MiniCap, bitch, send it so it arrives a few days early so you can track and make sure it’s there IN ADVANCE! Why would send something to arrive day of? Hotels lose shit all the time – and now you’re losing YOURS.
Mickie is on the phone and says into it, “We’re having a crisis!” No, you are. And it’s hard to take you seriously with that pinky lavender phone. “We’re pushed a little closer than mama likes to have it pushed,” Mickie interviews. Dirty.
In a passive-aggressive manner, Mickie is telling a crying Eden who has HORRIBLE and STRAIGHT hair that they “do not have the luxury of time they usually have.” Fransoly can hear you! She might put you in carbonite!
Crisis in Alexisland, they cannot find the lace-up for her dress. Seems like that might have been an important thing to make sure you packed. Also, Monica? Those capris are cutting you off and making you look shorter and stockier than you are. Please destroy them at once.
Pageant Mom t-shirt and the Mom Capris to match. Is that a 9-inch zipper I see?
They decide to use a shoelace from her gym shoes to fix the dress and there you go. Crisis averted!
Except with Mickie! She’s on the phone and saying she needs the truck at entrance three. Okay, so Fransoly has to rush to get her done but you are still tracking down the dress? Jesus. Mickie says the hair didn’t curl, they are running late…if it could happen it has. And who do you blame for that???
Mickie interviews that she’s been “so traumatized and disorganized because of the drama this morning.” In the pageant room, Mickie is doing something with Eden but all I notice is that her pants in the back are unzipped about 4-5 inches. Is that where her mic is?
Hey, we’ve all been there. Just not on national TV.
Eden won’t stand on her own and she’s on the floor…then she whines and cries and has a total meltdown. Mickie tells her to pull it together. “It’s all about her and for her…” and Mickie starts to cry. Who’s auditioning for what here? “If she’s not happy, I’m not happy.”
Mickie tells Eden to pull herself together. She puts her head against Eden’s and says, “If you don’t wanna do it, we’ll take the dress off and go home.” Drama. Then Eden looks at her, smiles and it’s ON LIKE DONKEY KONG! And I totally think that was planned. I think they did that to prove Eden’s range to America, and it does run all the way from A to A-.
Work it for the camera, baby, Scorsese might be watching!
Creepy emcee Max gets things started and one of the judges interviews she’s looking for poise, posture and presentation. I’m pretty sure she’s a man.
In fact, I’m pretty sure she’s Dennis Rodman.
Christy grabs Isabella and tells her it’s time to go onstage, to which Isabella shockingly replies, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” She pulls away from her mother as Christy yells it’s her turn. She interviews that Isabella “really isn’t in the mood just yet.” SHE NEVER IS! Oh my God, Christy, if you are reading this or if someone who knows Christy is reading this, EVERYONE KNOWS YOUR KID HATES PAGEANTS! If you love them so much, why don’t YOU go back to competing. God!
Christy carries Isabella to the stage while she screams and yells, then Isabella punches her mother in the back. Twice. Where is Supernanny when you need her?
Not touching this hot mess, that’s where.
First up, 2-3 year olds. Isabella gets onstage and like a trained poodle she does a few things, does the finger kiss thing without any energy, doesn’t smile, doesn’t move and basically looks like she’d rather be anywhere else in the world including Afghanistan. Christy says she looks perfect onstage, probably because she’s standing behind her and can’t see what’s really going on.
She can’t wait to get onstage…nice grip, MOM.
Christy says she did well compared to the competition, “And if it were just me, there’s no doubt.” About who would win? I would say the plant onstage had more enthusiasm and energy than Isabella did. And probably wanted to be there more.
Now the 4-5 division and Monica tells Alexis she looks beautiful. It’s a really nice moment. Snore.
She looks too smart to be in pageants.
Alexis is up first. She looks cute in her red and white dress and has a very pretty smile. She isn’t very polished and she walks kind of weird. Monica says she is naturally beautiful. “Her face is ‘WOW!’” she says. It’s reeeeeally not. She’s cute, but not WOW.
Mickie tells Eden to turn on the charm but Eden’s hair is a hot mess of straight fuzz. Eden is really not as cute as she used to be and even though she’s done this a lot, it seems to me that she’s really not very polished. Her routine is not smooth.
Worst hair ever…and does she have to pee?
The emcee says that Eden wants to be Miss America, the President of the United States and win an Academy Award by the age of 20, “because she will be too old after that.” Actually, she’ll be too young to be president, by about 15 years, so it’s pretty obvious that Mickie doesn’t teach civics. Mickie cries that she is so proud of her girl. Stop auditioning!
Heather interviews that a majority of the competition is going to be in Jungle Wear. Oh, Heather. You really are trying hard, but convincing, you’re not.
Then we see Mickie consulting with Heather, and honey, that does not look good. Christy starts to bitch and moan about the “fairness” of the event…the first sign of a loser. She says because Heather reps some of the kids at the pageant, that could naturally cause some TJ between the competitors. Oh, I’m sorry, she said “tension” but her accent is so horrific I didn’t catch it until I ran it under closed captioning.
Hang tight while I fix the votes and Eden wins.
Angry pageant mom Tricia, who is probably there with “Miss Sammy Jo/Miss America” says a lot of the parents were pretty upset when they found out that Eden was competing. She says they wouldn’t have come had they known. Quitters! She says Eden’s talent agency is the one putting on the pageant.
Angry coach Shanna (she looks familiar but I think I’m thinking of someone meaner), says she was ticked to find out Heather was Alexis’s agent because their relationship may cause skewed judging.
Jungle Wear competition! Wow, there is a lot of leopard print and bones. Isabella is up and she half-heartedly scratches like wildcat, then she turns her back to the judges and wiggles her tail. Over and over and over again. Christy says Isabella likes to do the “tushy-tushy-tushy” although it’s not part of the routine. Sure.
Hey, can YOU save me from this horrible mother?
Now the 4-5 year olds, and Alexis is up next. Monica says she always gets nervous and thinks, “Please do good.” Oh, Monica. Skip the pageant coach and get yourself a tutor.
Alexis has a lot of enthusiasm and she wiggles all over the stage. Cute. Not cute? The pageant coach wiggling all over the place. Monica is sure Alexis is going to pull for a high title. Really?
Shake it like a chemistry set!
Oh Lord, here come all the props. The editors show one lady looking at someone else then putting her head in her hand like, “Seriously?” but that could have just been good editing. It is pretty pathetic how many props Eden brings with her…and I get the feeling they are to make up for her not having a really good routine.
Why, why, why is this necessary?
Christy gets pissy and says it takes a lot of nerve for Eden to call herself the grand supreme queen when she hasn’t won it yet, but where is that? Is that on the sign on the right? I couldn’t read it.
Also, subtle – the props really hide the lack of talent.
“Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, I came to Louisville and brought my E-E,” Mickie says. E-E? I tried to look up her middle name but apparently Mickie doesn’t like to give it out for security reasons. Good thing you have a Facebook page and have told people you are a teacher and your husband works two jobs including running the family farm in – where is it again? – oh yeah, TAYLOR, ARKANSAS, population under 600, and you’ve shown your house and cars, so it will be pretty easy to find you. And I know what you readers are thinking: Road Trip!
Eden does her little routine – and I do mean little. It’s a hot mess. Oh, there’s Tarzan, in like a Fred Flintstone costume, grabbing her and carrying her off the stage. Too bad he didn’t hit her with a club. Also…good thing they shaved and tanned his torso. Now that seems even more gross, if you think about it.
Her performance was orgasmic! Or was it Tarzan?
Mickie says the day flip-flopped – started out badly and finished perfectly. Mickie really plays it up for the cameras and it’s awful. Come on, Mickie, chill.
Angry pageant mom Alicia says she feels the show was put on to benefit one contestant. Doyee. Heather, who has NOTHING to do with judging, stops by the judging table to see what they think about the three girls being followed by TLC.
Dennis Rodman says the pageant directors have a “great deal of influence on the scoring.” The only time this was used for good was when Annette Hill gave the special Director’s Choice award to Ashlynne of a previous episode featuring the infamous Jamie Sterling as Satan Mommy.
Sure enough, Heather is quizzing the judges on Eden…using her voice to show she’s the one who should win. Then she says Alexis in a mediocre tone of voice, then she says “Isabella…what do you think?” then she makes this voice like, ick/yeesh/awful and the judges say she’s just shy but a beautiful girl. Oh, and she hates all of you and what you stand for.
The worst thing about this picture is that it give Christy some credibility when she bitches about an unfair pageant. Thanks Heather, you stupid bitch.
Heather knows who is going to win. And so does everyone else. But let’s go through the motions just for the fun of it. “If your name is called for princess, that’s not good,” she says. Ask Kate Middleton, I bet she’d beg to differ. But she’d be too classy to laugh at you like we are.
Christy says she’s very sure her daughter is going to pull for a supreme title. Because she thinks she’s Eden’s mom. She says if they don’t win supreme, she won’t be a very happy mom. Then you’ll know how Isabella feels about you.
First princess? Not Isabella! Oh, it’s coming, though, I can feel it. Next princess? Isabella! Mommy hates you!
That tiara is like a crown of thorns around mommy’s heart, so take it off NOW.
“Shockingly, they gave her a princess crown, which means you have nothing,” Christy says. Well, you have a princess crown and your health. And probably dinner on the table tonight. Priorities, bitch.
Christy takes Isabella’s crown off and puts in on the stage floor and interviews that Isabella is a “higher quality competitor than that.” Seriously, you are in major denial. Almost Cleo Patrick-level. Your kid suuuucked, mostly because she hates what she’s doing. Also, when she’s not made up, she kind of has a monkey vibe. A smart monkey, but still a monkey.
Is this how she was delivered?
When the queen was named, Isabella makes like claws at her and sticks her tongue out…three times! Jealous much? Also, if you want the queen title, then stop acting like a little bitch, get those nails done and do well in the competition. Did you not see the you suuuuuucked comment above? This family is a hot mess. Christy is still stunned. Maybe watching this will help.
She’s a great sport. Must get it from mom.
“The judges are crazy…she deserved a supreme title,” Christy says. Unreal.
I wonder who is going to win…no, wait…no I don’t.
Mickie is worried about the win…great acting. She’s crying again. Please stop. Princess…not our girls! Queen…not our girls! Which means both of the pageant director’s clients pulled for a higher title. Shocking.
Ni-Ni…we need your services here STAT!
Christy pisses and moans that the ones pulling for higher titles are the ones in the inner circle. Are you unfamiliar with how the world works? This is how. Also, once again, broken record, your kid
Grand Supreme Roasted Garlic and Mushroom Awards…Mini-Supreme…ALEXIS! How the hell did that happen? Must be based on enthusiasm. Monica is thrilled.
Really? This surprises me, but not as much as the hideous dress to the right.
Who is left? WORLD CHAMPION GRAND SUPREME…EDEN WOOD, of course. Of course!
Big girl to the right ain’t happy about something…is it the dress?
Mickie does the worst thing ever. She runs onstage, grabs Eden and hugs her, then runs offstage and screams “WHOO! OH MY GOD!”
Inappropriate, but these are people who shaved a retiree.
Christy says, “See how rehearsed she is?” As much as Christy is being a bitter little pill about this whole thing, I have to agree with her. Mickie has never acted like this – or acted as much – in any other pageant we’ve seen. Mickie continues to scream like a banshee. It’s actually embarrassingly over the top.
We definitely see how bitter YOUare.
Christy interviews/snots that Eden won but what can you say? “That was the plan for her.” Yep. Now here’s what a lot of people commented on…Isabella was in a photo that they show being taken and her crown is much higher…so did she win something bigger later? She grabs her off the stage and says they won’t be back. You mean to this one, right? Also, I stopped the DVR and looks like Isabella has a sash that reads “Mini-something” – almost looks like Alexis’s mini-supreme sash…so something’s up here.
Whatever, we’re outta here with a bigger crown that we stole…maybe from the ugly dress girl?
Alexis is thrilled and Monica says they want to focus on her modeling and see if she can get some magazine ad work. Good luck with that. Her crown gets caught and she says, “I can’t be on TV like this.”
This crown has clearly become self-aware, can someone kill it please?
Mickie is thrilled and says, “Unbelievable!” Was it?
Drunk already. Hollywood, here she comes!
Oh, and get this…There is now an Eden Wood Cutie Patootie pageant and guess who the makeup artist is? Fransoly. Maybe she and Mickie are lovers, couldn’t you totally see that? There’s your Lifetime movie!