Toddlers & Tiaras: Two and a Half Girls

Let’s get this party started, Gasmii!  This episode of Toddlers & Tiaras brings us to the wonderful Midwest and the International Fresh Faces Missouri pageant.  Missouri is so international!  And where 80% of the nation’s puppymills exist.  So thanks!

Sometimes Missouri really is under the sea!

Dena Jackson is the pageant director who tells us that a “fresh face” is a “facially gifted child.”  I don’t think those kids actually get to skip a grade in school.  I will give her kudos for one of the best backdrops in pageant history – it’s very “Under the Sea” meets glitter and tropical paint.  Whoever put that together – nice job and please send it my way when you are done using it.

Over in Jonesboro, Arkansas, we meet the most boring and borderline dare I say ‘tarded kid on the show.  At the top of her lungs, she introduces herself as Paige, 6, and the poor kid has some major dental issues going on here (and believe me, I would know first hand – I’m the one responsible for my orthodontist’s boat, The Money Pit Mouth).  Mom Candace tells us Paige is going to “glitz it up this weekend.”  Paige couldn’t light a 25 watt bulb even if she put some effort into it.  Which she doesn’t.

LA! LA! LA! LA! LA! LA!

Paige says when she takes off her glasses, she “turns into a beauty queen,” and we see pics of her actually looking not just glamorous, but awake.  Oops, no, she looks like ADD girl in one.  Also, if there is something mentally challenged about this girl in real life, I’m going to Hell.  But as her family makes no mention of her being “special needs,” I’ll just assume she’s an unruly kid in dire need of Ritalin and an ass-kicking.  And perhaps some No-Doze.

Yep.

Paige has been doing pageants for 10 months and her mother brings up a pageant where she placed “3^rd alternate.”  Loser.  Also, that seems high for what this kid really brings to the table.  Then one of her trophies is shown and it says “Wild Duck Festival…Most Photogenic.”  Well, no wonder she won, everyone was drunk.  “So far we’ve not won anything major,” Candace says.  I see that in your future, too.

Good to see you’re really putting some effort into yourself…not at all.

Up in Springfield, Missouri, we meet the absolutely nutty bat-shit crazy cackling-laughing family of the episode.  Mom Marlo is trying to get her daughter to act funny and she says “homie” and “sssupp” and things like that.  Eleven year old Sydney reminds me of Queen a little – and apparently she reminds people of Michael Jackson, very cute, but she seems to tolerate her dorky mother pretty well.

Yo homes!  Wassssssuppppp!?!?!?!?!

“I am bubbly, cute, divalicious and spastastic,”  Sydney says.  Uh.  Wait, spastastic?  And guess why?  Marlo says, “I’m not a crazy pageant mom, she insists, “I’m an INSANE ONE!” and then she cackles out a laugh and crinkles her nose and almost gags on her tongue when she laughs.  The totally brilliant produces play coo-coo music for a loooong time. Someone is going to wrap her up and give her for Christmas, she’s the total fruitcake package.

The laughing gas has finally kicked in.

Then it gets better.  She’s working on Sydney’s toes (I know, kid toes, gross right?) and she says in her Asian voice, “Me no know…me will have to charge you extra…”  Oy.  Sydney looks at her seriously and says, “You’re not Chinese.”

Toe jam is not to be put on toast.

Marlo interviews, “The doctor says I’ll be just fine with medication and lots of therapy,” she laughs and laughs and laughs.  I know she’s trying to be funny but she kind of looks like a moron for doing this.  Then she tells her daughter she doesn’t feel well and maybe she has the jungle fever.  Based on your kid, it’s clear your husband is black so we’re way ahead of you on your jungle fever.

“Is mom crazy or something?” Sydney asks.  Yes.  Yes she is.  Also, she’s a pretty involved mom, so I’m willing to cut her some slack.

Finally, in Bernie, Missouri, we meet one of the weirdest “family” situations in a while…Madison, 10, is actually supported in pageants by her mother’s best friend, her “aunt” and her “aunt’s” mother.  This is weird, I think.

Also, barrel of laughs, these two.

Aunt Jamie competed pageants from the time she was three until “Maddie came along,” which seems sort of odd since SHE’S NOT YOUR KID and that wouldn’t have really affected your pageant schedule.  Jamie clarifies that Madison’s mother is her “best friend,” and now I’m starting to get an “alternative lifestyle choice” vibe off of Jamie.  Did anyone else wonder if she and her “friend” were a couple?  They should totally double-date with David (of Ava fame) and whomever he is really involved with.

And like David, Jamie totally lets the truth come out.

Jamie says Madison wouldn’t be doing pageants without her or Tina (which begs the question, why does her real mother let this happen then?).  Tina says they sort of adopted Madison, “Since my daughter Jamie wouldn’t give me no grandbabies.”  Ick.  Also?  Go buy one in Guatemala if you want one that badly.

But I get the whole big crown thing.  I get that clearly.

Jamie goes into this big spiel about how her mother is known for her clothes because she makes them for kids all over the country.  I assume for pageants and not for poor kids who actually need them.

Tina says she likes to think of herself as a “celebrity” in the pageant world (think away, Tina) because she was a pageant director, a pageant mom, a pageant coach and now someone who makes pageant clothes.  The important thing is you are well-rounded.

Back in Jonesboro, a ton of money is being wasted on a pageant coach for Paige who is clearly a dollop of cottage cheese but with less personality.  Coach Angee asks if Paige is going to win and Paige frowns and shrugs and makes a noise and I’m pretty sure she’s Helen Keller at this point.

Coach Angee lets us in on a little secret – that Paige has been doing “lower glitz” not the “high glitz” like the pageant this weekend.  She tries to practice with Paige by introducing her like she’s onstage and playing music, and Paige just stands there with her back to Angee.  Crickets chirp.

The most talent she shows the entire episode.

Angee says Paige is not in the best of moods but I think she’s not moving because she’s in a medically induced coma.  Angee tries to practice with her once again and she continues to keep her back to us and now we see she’s standing next to a tanning bed.  Because what else do you put in the TV room?  Enjoy cancer, Candace.

Paige looks like a strung-out heroin addict when she says she doesn’t want to practice anymore.  She looks at the camera and frowns.

That check better not bounce.

Back in Springfield, Sydney is outside playing with her mom, dad and some white kid (is every other kid in a mixed-race family a different race?  Awesome!) when she says, “Mom, we forgot the baby,” and Marlo gasps and says, “You left the baby inside all by herself.”  Now I was pretty sure it was just a baby doll or a dog, but it turns out not only is it a doll, it’s a $500 doll that looks and sounds so real, one time they had the police called on them for leaving the baby inside their car.  And they thought that was funny.  Stupid rednecks.

Totally how I would hold a baby, real or fake.

Marlo holds the crying baby doll and suddenly another white boy shows up.  What the hell?  She says they like to trick people with the doll.  Why would you pay that much money to have something cry when all you usually want to do is shut babies up?  Marlo is wrong, meds and therapy is not going to help what a hot mess she is.

Marlo begins to lace up Sydney in a dress about two sizes too small and she says, “I’m about to be your mammy!”  Just remind her that you know nothin’ ‘bout birthin’ those babies!  Idiot.  Marlo says it doesn’t matter if she can breathe, only that “you look boootiful.”  Idiot squared.

Unsuspecting dad Donald walks in and Marlo asks him if he can go sell his soul to the devil so they can buy Sydney a new dress.  Then she laughs maniacally and with that snorty-gasping-tongue swallowing thing.  Seriously, he’s not a bad looking guy and this is the best white chick he can land?

Donald says he really doesn’t want to see his daughter in her pageant swimsuit, so Marlo puts Sydney in it and they show it off.  It’s also a little small.  Pedophiles on high alert for this one!

Sheriff Dad knows his only job is to keep Sydney off the pole.

Dad thinks she’s showing too much butt and Marlo says they don’t start showing buttcrack until 13 or 14.  I know she’s joking, but ew.  “Oh, the crack,” Sydney says, followed by the best line of the night.  “My dad does not like people’s buttcracks.”  Does anyone?

Oops, I cracked my pants!

Back in Jonesboro, Candace and her tumor have arrived to see two dresses.  Paige finds the water cooler much more interesting than her new bedazzled blue and her re-vamped glitzy pink dresses.  Maybe the water cooler is her bestest friend ever to infinity.

Wanna come over and play blocks?

Paige tries on the blue dress and her mother asks her to do pretty feet.  Instead, she does polio.  Stupid kid.

Derrrrr.

The designer likes the blue while Paige continues to pigeon-toe in her patent leathers.  Paige puts on the pink dress and it is really pretty.  Sadly, Paige is not.  This kid is really “off.”  Speaking of off, Candace says that they will probably decide on the dress at the last minute and “her father will have the deciding vote.”  Yeah, thanks Mad Men.  It’s 2011.

The designer says goodbye to Paige who isn’t even in the picture until you see the designer step back and say something like, “Oh Lord!” and you see Paige rushing her to jump at her, but the designer catches her.  I would have just stepped aside and let that stupid kid run head first into the drywall.  God, that was obnoxious.  She’s sort of too old to be acting this way.

Projectile child!  The worst!

And back to Bernie, Madison, Tina and Jamie are all in some kind of Carrie-Brashawed pageant closet with tons of beads and ribbons and probably shrunken heads.  Tina says Madison has to be on her toes because of the competition.  Got it:  Don’t waste faux granny’s money.

It’s an investment in her future.  Like Beanie Babies.

And look who is making a guest appearance…Madison’s mom Heather.  She’s sitting off to the side and she says she’s really just there to support her.  If it hadn’t been for Jamie and Tina, she says, she never would have put her in pageants.  What does that tell you?

Now we’re really cooking!  Sydney is at some kind of acro-cheer-gymnastics-o-rama class and that kid is freakin’ amazing!  The runs and does all kinds of backflips and frontflips and cartwheels and people throw her in the air and catch her and holy shit is this kid going to win big!  She must work her ass off to be that good.  I was stunned at how talented this kid turned out to be.  Finally!

HOLY SHIT!

HOLY SHIT PART DEUX!

Sweet, merciful crap!

Back over at…is Winers the name of the pageant place where Tina and Jamie are?  Is this their pageant office or something?  Madison is practicing and she’s good but not great.  She seems a little all-over the place and they call her out on being somewhat unfocused.  Jamie moans and says, “What is wrong?  You need to start over.”  God, do you really want to hear this from someone else in addition to your mother?  Meh.

Madison and Sydney talk about each other like it’s the world fighting championship and each one has to knock the other one out to win.  Calm down.  CALM DOWN.

It’s ON like DONKEY KONG.  If we knew what that was.

As an aside, I just saw the ad for Contagion, and I need to see this just because Gwyneth Paltrow dies early and painfully.  It’s like the reason I watch Seven, her head ends up in a box.  That’s kind of the best place for pretention, don’t you think?

HATE.

Pageant day!  In Poplar Bluff, Missouri.  Oh, people, come on, is that the town’s real name? Oh Midwestern states, you never cease to amuse.  Also?  We’ve got our Barbie emcee from a couple of episode ago and she’s really glam.

Madison and Sydney meet in the makeup room and are really nice to each other, talking about who is taller, etc.  Tina is apparently too cool for school and she won’t make small talk but Marlo is at least being human to Madison.  Everyone lighten the hell up!

Hairstylist Dane Dane (I’m not kidding) is doing Madison’s hair and Tina says she just wants perfection.  Marlo counters with how she wants the Ultimate Supreme hair.  You know there are kids involved, right?

Is this woman for real?  I fear she is.

Then the smackdown!  Tina tells Dane Dane that she went out and bought her some fruit – fresh apples – to help her get some energy.  What about the Mountain Dew/Red Bull/apple juice cocktail of last week?  No?

Marlo semi-jokingly says that just because Tina bought her apples doesn’t mean she gets better hair and makeup.  Then we hear Tina under her breath say, “Give mine just a little extra touch.”  Of what, hairspray?   Breathe deep, the gathering plume.

Are we there yet?

Back in the loser’s corner, Coach Angee asks, “Are you fabulous, Paige?”  Paige grunts and clicks her fake fingernails together.  “Tell me what winners do.”  Paige is silent and shrugs.  Paige is like her mother’s pet rock.

Oh yeah, she wants the crown.  Wants it BAD.

They are STILL undecided about which dress to wear and they decide on the blue because there is already so much pink, but then Paige somehow communicates with them that she’d prefer the pink.  Telekinetic?  Paige frowns.

Hand her the crown now, she’s earned it.

OMG.  Marlo comes into the makeup room and says she brought the diaper wipes back after changing Morgan.  She says Morgan was kind of dirty and stinking up the room.  Tina’s like, “Who?”

Marlo tells her she had a baby and Tina’s all like, no, I didn’t know that (and clearly she doesn’t give a shit).  Jamie says, “Are you serious?” and Marlo tells her that everyone just thought she was fat.  We still do, Michelin Man.

I need attention so I’m faking a birth…who’s with me on this?

Marlo says a lot of people who label her as “acting psycho” at times and Sydney confides to Madison, “My mom’s crazy.”  It doesn’t help that Marlo is continuing the cha-rade by cuddling up their fake baby in blankets.  Jamie makes a crazy-weird face and Tina makes a crazy-scared face.  Both are correct.

Pageant time!  They are doing beauty and outfit of choice.  Wow, hope they don’t sprain anything.  Marlo should look for a pageant with a talent category so they can really showcase Sydney.

Is it live or Kitchen Nightmares effects?

Coach Angee tells us that the blue dress looked the best on Paige.  Yes, I’m sure that will make all the difference with your Bag-o-Glass there.  Paige is in line and Coach Angee asks her to practice something and Paige pouts then points to the girl in front of her and says, “She’s gonna try to copy.”  Only if she wants to lose.

So I’m pushing for direct deposit so they can’t stop payment on the check…

Paige gets onstage and her whole team cheers for her.  She looks very uncomfortable, stiff, her flipper is disastrous and makes her smile fake and she has the energy of a pile of leaves after a late-fall rain.

I have to poop no wait I just did.

Jamie is telling Madison to be happy.  Why would you need to tell her that?  Madison gets onstage and looks too old for her cupcake dress.  She really seems like she should be in a long dress.  Tina says when Madison gets onstage, she prays, “God please let her make it through this routine without screwing up.”  Suuuuper supportive, there, Tina.

She looks like a lollipop, please put her in a long dress going forward.

Her hobbies include hunting with her dad, cheerleading and softball.  So she’s bi-sexual?  Marlo says Madison did a very good job.  One of the judges says Madison wore the most beautiful color but they can’t judge on that.  Then why don’t they just show their faces and wear burlap sacks?  Actually, that would be a great outfit of choice:  “The Mom.”

Sydney says before pageants she prays with her mother “to God to help him bless me and do a very good job onstage.”  Whatever you do, don’t ask him to help the starving or the war-torn.  That would just be too much.

Please God, give me the spoils I so desire.

“We ask God to help Sydney walk smoothly and just let her inner beauty shine,” Marlo says.  Because ONCE AGAIN, God has that kind of time on his/her hands and just needs to make sure you win a tiny regional beauty pageant.  And Marlo proves once again, “Christians” are only out for themselves.

Sydney gets onstage and girl is ON!  She looks beautiful and she has good energy.  She is also very poised and polished and her hobbies include all-star cheer and walking for a cure for breast cancer.  Yeah, she’s a good egg.  Marlo was worried her skirt was too short but totally compliments Sydney.  The judge says she has the “it” factor and doesn’t mention the skirt length.  Phew!

Outfit of choice is next.  Coach Angee says for the 100^th time that Paige has to “step it up a bit” but it’s clear she can barely walk let alone step.  The makeup/hair person is finishing her hair and asks Paige what her favorite part of the pageant is.  Paige chews on…candy?  Her tongue?  She is being really insolent and won’t pay attention to her coach. All she says is “I don’t know…I don’t know…”  Coach Angee should smack the shit out her.  Seriously…one well-placed slap would probably get Flowers for Algernon to pay more attention.

I’m going to swallow my tongue now.

Madison is in her room stretching out in the worst way possible (by bouncing into the stretches) and she says she doesn’t like to practice because, “it’s boring and a waste of my time.”  GREAT attitude.  That should get you far in life.  It’s also why you are kind of sloppy.

CRISIS OMG CRISIS!  Marlo is trying to get into their hotel room but her stupid son kept pushing the doorknob while she inserts the card and she says, “STOP!”  No shit.  “My key’s not working.  OH. MY GOD!”  Hmm.  If only there were some way to fix it…some way…indeed.

Cooperation does not turn out like it normally does.

Someone from the front desk has arrived to save the day while Marlo orders Sydney to go to the makeup artist and have her hair taken off and the other hair put on.  Only in America.  Marlo needs to chill the hell out.

Oh thank God we’ve found a cure for cancer no wait we just got through a locked door.

Marlo grabs a handful of sparkly yellow stuff and yells at her kid to put his socks on later.  She rushes into the makeup/hair room and the world continues to turn on its axis, completely unaware of the dangerous asteroid of doom that almost hurled it into a black hole.

Candace tells us that this is Paige’s first time doing a routine with her outfit of choice, then says it’s obvious she’s tired and is ready for a nap.  Do 6 year olds still take naps?  I was at school all day by then. I think something is seriously wrong with the kid, or with the people rearing her.  Thatswhatshesaid.

Looks like that adrenaline shot really worked.

Paige gets onstage and she sucks it.  She has no clue what she’s supposed to do and Candace blames it on her being tired.  Halfway through the routine, the music ends for some reason and she drops her guitar and doesn’t really finish her routine before she walks off.  “My coach is mad at me,” she says.  Bet she keeps cashing the checks, though.

Coach Angee says Paige practiced so much for this (in what parallel universe?) and yet she still got onstage and froze.  How could you tell?  “She didn’t have the sparkle I was expecting.” Does she ever?

Madison is doing western wear and she looks awesome in her glitzy pink sparkles.  Best outfit, hands down.  She gets onstage and dances around, and she does a pretty good job.  Everyone cheers.  The important thing?  Tina is pleased.

I’m mesmerized by the colors and sparkle!

Sydney is up next and she kicks ass…better facial expressions than Madison and she is spot-on in her routine.  Kid has some mad talent and we see Madison watching her carefully.

Ass-kicking comes in all the colors of the rainbow!

Crowning!  Judges are saying it was hard but that Paige sucked it bad.  They said Sydney was great and “nailed it,” while Madison was gorgeous with a full-on smile.  They said the Madison/Sydney out to knock the other girl out is going to be tough.

Candace gives us this bullshit about Paige wanting the Ultimate Grand Supreme title BAD, but the truth is Paige is just unleavened pizza crust at best.  There is no sauce, cheese or toppings.  Snore.

Four to five year old category is first.  Fresh Face Princess is…Paige!  How the hell did she even place?  Candace is sad.  Paige spazzes while she screams she won a crown.  Whatever, loser, they must have given the pity vote to I am Sam, so good one.

I’m here, I think…

Madison’s group is up next.  Fresh Face Princess…not Madison.  Divisional Supreme Queen…not Madison…which means she’s up for a supreme title of some sort.

Sydney’s group is up next.  She says crowning is really stressful because you never know what you are going to get.  Just like a box of chocolates.  Marlo keeps talking about her stomach and how she’s going to throw up her potato.  Worst hotel buffet ever.

Fresh Face Princess…not Sydney.   Divisional Supreme Queen…not Sydney.  Marlo is thrilled.

Time for Grand Supreme for the 4-10 year olds!  Who will win.  WHO?  Madison wins!  Really?  I thought Paige was a shoo-in, cough cough. Madison seems happy but not really.  Tina comes to the rescue and interviews that she told Madison if she had practiced more, she could have won larger.  Why would this kid continue hanging out with more women who criticize her?

Victory is so sweet!

Grand Supreme for 11 and up…Sydney!  So they both win Grand Supreme of their age groups but not overall supremes.  Sydney is thrilled because she and Madison won the same level crown.  She could not be more gracious about it.

As sweet as pageant crack, Pixie Stix!

Some girl who looks like a miniature Loni Anderson wins the big title and Sydney is really happy for her.  She and Madison are just hanging out together like good buds while Marlo says they have a cheerleading competition next week then another pageant the next night…they really do lead full, full lives.

We rock!  We really do!

Sydney says she wants to keep doing more pageants until she goes off to college.  Madison says she wants to do them until she’s 20 years old.  That must be the magical number for her.  Jamie says if she wants to do Miss America, that’s what she’ll do.

Candace clearly has no clue what is going on in her life because she says she and Paige are going to continue to do pageants because they are so fun and Paige really likes them.  Come on, Candace, your kid hates these pageants!  What the hell is going through your double chin?

Paige counters with saying the pageant was BOOOORING.  She says now it’s over and we see footage of her holding her hand up to the camera to block its view of her.  Yeah, she’s really having fun.

F#CK OFF, MOTHER F#CKERS!

Next episode?  Mom promises a kitty to a kid if she is perfect but then yells at her for screwing up her beauty and forces her to the restaurant for a Mountain Dew.  And we thought Marlo was nuts.

I want to like her, yet I’m still on HATE.