Toddlers & Tiaras: Vegas – Where Dreams Go To Die

Hello Gasmii, welcome to one of a number of bonus episodes of Toddlers & Tiaras!  Just when I thought I got my weekends back to garden…but thanks to the allergic contact dermatitis I got from my zucchini plant last week, I am avoiding the garden and now have the whole package of rashy skin that is keeping me inside to write about a Vegas pageant!  And no worries on the zucchini, Crabby Daddy is coming over to beat the shit out of it later today.  Where’s the Cortaid?

And this is kind of making me extra itchy, but that’s one way to pay for college, I guess.

First up, a hometown Las Vegas girl, ten year old Desiree who says, “I’m Vegas!”  Yeah, you’re 10.  But with a name like Desiree, you WILL be Vegas in about 8 years.  Mom Katie says they are the ultimate Vegas pageant family.  “We are glitzy, gaudy and proud of it.”  Somewhere in China, children laugh then go back to building their science projects.

Desiree shows us her naiveté when she tells us she’s been doing pageants for 2 years so she’s “almost a pageant pro.”  Yeah, I know 2 year olds who have been doing pageants LONGER, so you might want to chill.  However, she is sporting the red hair so I’m cutting her a little slack.

The pageant is the “National Gold Coast” pageant and man, what do they do, franchise it?  Kim says that this pageant is on home turf, so they have to “bring it.”  I’d be more behind her on that if she didn’t just sound like my menopausal high school chorus director trying to be cool by forcing us to sing “Total Eclipse of the Heart.”

Katie says winning at a pageant has higher odds than winning at a casino.  Ironically, they are both money makers.  Probably because they do offer participant awards to casino players like $1.99 buffets.  Everybody wins!

Also a hometown girl is our bitch-ass brat monster from Hell, three year old Kayla and her mom April.  “She is my firecracker and she will blow up the stage,” April tells us.  If you don’t discipline her at some point, that is probably going to happen at the high school year-end play.

How could something so wrong feel so right?

Kayla’s favorite word is “No!” and her favorite sound is, “ACCCCKKKKPPPPPGGHHH.”  Either way, she needs to shut the hell up.  She screams at us that she’s a glitz girl and that she’s going to win GRAND SUMPREEEME! while she whips a scepter around.  Hope she pokes an eye out.

Get used to this face, world.

April tells us that in every pageant they’ve been in people say, “Here comes Kayla!  Here comes Kayla!”  and she calls her a little celebrity.  My guess is the “Here comes Kayla!” is more of a warning than a compliment, dumbass.

Kayla says she’s going to win the crown and money, because, “All those girls are ugly!”  Kinda like you are on the inside.  Mom laughs and says, “That’s not very nice.”  Then you shouldn’t have taught it to her.

April tells us that Kayla’s “cockiness” comes out whenever it comes out, which is basically anytime Kayla is awake.  We see April combing Kayla’s wet hair and she is screaming and shouting and pissing and moaning and hitting.  And this is why God made birth control.

“It’s so cute,” April lies to us, telling us that she tries to have Kayla be a little princess.  She’s a brat from Hell, April, and everyone watching knows it.  And we also know you suck as a mother because clearly you let her get away with murder.  That’s not parenting, that’s babysitting, but at least with babysitting you get paid and get to leave when the job is done.

Over in Henderson, Nevada, we meet the unfortunately named Kailia, 4.  Mom Marcy calls her daughter “energetic” (what is that code for nowadays, ADHD?) then tells us she Kailia comes from an entertainment family?  Oh do tell!

Marcy was a magician’s assistant (magic freaks me out and something just ain’t right with most of them…where is Doug Henning when you need him?  Probably spinning in his grave every time Criss Angel’s name is mentioned) and her husband has been “producing shows for 40 years.”  Uh, okay, wait.  So your husband is probably at least 60 if not older, right May-December?  Which makes the picture of you in the bunny costume (not Playboy-related) all the more relevant, doesn’t it?  Marcy thinks this gives Kailia more of an edge in pageants.

See?  Creepy.

Marcy shows us her smarts by saying that Kailia is either in the top 10 or the grand supreme or the ultimate…just like every other pageant kid in the world.  HOWEVER, Kailia hasn’t won a Gold Coast before and says if she doesn’t win, she’ll cry.  Then the brilliant comes out to shine.

“Anytime anybody loses…you know…in any kind of sport….or….you know…someone dies on the…you know…doctor’s table…you’re gonna cry…she cries,” Marcy says.  That should be the last thing you say during the rest of the show you…you know…moron.

Then Kailia shows us her crazy by making a bunch of faces as she talks about winning the trophy and how if she doesn’t she’ll…beat that girl?  Oh, I’m too tired to rewind to find out the violence she intends to perpetrate.

Okay!  Okay!  Just take the crown!  Jesus!

Back with Desiree, Katie is about to go full-on Martha Stewart make Desiree’s headpiece for her Vegas wear (go figure – I bet no one else will think of doing that!).  She tells us that last year they made a peacock showgirl outfit that was “quite amazing” but since they didn’t win (oops!) Desiree wants the upcoming pageant’s costume to be bigger.  Or you could just be better at the pageant.  Just a thought.

Katie says they do research by going to see the “classy” showgirls on the strip so they can capture the elegance.  That’s when Katie says they are like Martha Stewart and Desiree asks, “Who is Martha Stewart?” and her mother replies, “Exactly.”  Uh, she’s a woman who isn’t spending time gluing feathers to paper for her daughter Alexis to be in a kiddie whore show, that’s who.  She’s gluing walnuts to a wreath for fall while keeping her fancy Fresian horses out of the sun so they don’t turn red (that is actually true).  Duh.

Desiree says it’s her dream to be Miss America, but if she’s not then she’ll probably be a showgirl. Those have good pensions, right?

Back with Kayla who is going to see Coach Georgina, a former Miss Nevada, for some training.  Kayla whines that she wants to get into her dress RIGHT NOW and April says no, then interviews that sometimes she has to “give into her just so we get things done.”  Great parenting, moron.  And Kayla is in her dress now.

Anyone up for pear salad?

Kayla practices her swim routine and honestly, she is good.  She knows her routine and is pretty polished.  Sadly, she’s a monster.  I’d say I’m conflicted, but I’m not.  I can’t stand her.

Rut-roh, it’s time for dreaded Coach Cambrie!  When they show her, you heard thunder and storming…and she has a bitchy look on her face that apparently just is her face.  The crossed arms really adds to the whole package.  Kailia can’t do that thing where she grabs her foot and holds her leg up and twirls, and Coach Cambrie, is like, “Look, stand up tall.”  She’s FOUR.  This is as tall as she gets, thunderthighs.

Still bitter about losing the Showgirls role to Elizabeth Berkley.

Coach Cambrie pulls her leg up just fine and twirls around.  Well, duh, it’s easier when it’s your CAREER and you’ve been doing it for years and years and I’m guessing years.  Kailia wants to stop because her feet hurt and Cambrie tells her to focus FOCUS.  Then Cambrie starts twisting Kailia around like a pipecleaner.  “Do it again, do it again, do it again!” she says.  This is why I hate Jillian Michaels and her DVDs…the yelling and bitchface.

Torturing kids is allowed?  Sign me up!

Oh, great, guess who else gets to suffer Coach C-Word (well, her name is Cambrie)?  Desiree!  Katie says that “Miss Cambrie’s girls win all the time.”  Probably because of their fear of retribution if they don’t.

Desiree is really excited about her new coach and says she’s learning all these new moves, but for someone who is 10, it’s pretty clear she hasn’t been doing this long.  She’s kind of messy in her routine.  I mean, I know it’s new, but here’s hoping she practices like 10 hours a day every day until the pageant.

Cambrie bitches that Desiree is mixing two things up together but Desiree is sure she knows until Cambrie freaks her out and she forgets.  Good coaching.

Withholding approval times 2 thanks to the mirror.

Time for pictures!  Kailia is having photos taken for the pageant and she kind of looks like Christina Ricci in her Addams Family mode.  Everyone is cracking up – even Cambrie (that must hurt her face muscles!).

Why does your hug feel so cold?

Speaking of photos, it’s time to take some of Kayla.  Does she actually appear in them or is she invisible?  So they are putting makeup on her and she wants to do her own makeup and I guess she botches it….I can’t really see.  April says that Kayla has pinchable cheeks and you could even see them in the ultrasound pictures…her first glitz submission pre-birth.

Kayla looks cute in some of the pictures but she does whine a lot.  Then she interviews and screams, “I’M CUTE!”  Only when you were in utero, brat.

Or in a parallel universe.

Flipper time!  Desiree got one for the first time and honestly, shouldn’t all of her teeth be in by now and if they are bad, shouldn’t she be in braces?  She says some of her teeth are crooked and she doesn’t have the best smile.  Well, you do now – the best money could buy!

“It’s already broken!” Katie says.  One of the teeth is actually popping off the flipper.  Ick.  Desiree bemoans the fact that she always wanted a flipper and now that she has one it’s broken.  That is a tragedy.  Katie says they’ll make do with this one and get her a new one later.  Or – OR – you could call the place and tell them the problem and have them send you a new one.

I can still go to the mall later, right?

“My dream is crushed, on the floor,” Desiree says.  If that’s your dream, I’ve got some bad news about the junior high years you have ahead of you.

Pageant day!  It’s our good friend Andrea McLaws as the emcee…she probably wouldn’t be as much fun to have drinks with as Annette, Betty and Tonya, but I’d bet she’d be fun to go candle shopping with (“Look!  Pineapple Breeze scent!”).  However, Pageant Director Barbara Thomas looks like a former Catholic school nun and she has a ruler ready to smack you if you DARE write with you left hand.  I’m just sayin’ is all.

She’ll make you do a full rosary while kneeling on a heating grate if you smile during confession.

Cambrie is doing Kailia’s hair and makeup and for whatever reason, chooses to use navy eyelashes.  Actually, they might make her eyes stand out more, I know navy mascara is supposed to do that (I only get as wild as brown-black myself).  Kailia wants NO PART of the eyelashes and I really don’t know what the problem is.  I mean, close your eyes and someone puts eyelashes on – it can’t be any worse than eyeliner, right?  Or is the glue a bother?  Anyone out there want to answer this?  I don’t use fake ones, I already have enough extra hair on me, thanks to the dogs.

Stop tarting me up, bitch!

Here we go.  Kayla’s turn.  April tells us pageant day is either smooth sailing or “a trainwreck.”  Any bets on what today is going to be?  “It depends on if she wakes up in a good mood.”  Does that ever happen?

God, I hate kids.

Kayla squirms and screams and pushes away the makeup brush as her mother interviews, “She’s a little crabby.”  No shit.

Seriously, that pout is ETERNAL.

“She hates having her hair done,” she says and Kayla screams in such a tone all my dogs look at the TV.  No worries, pooches, I don’t allow those filthy things in my house.

YAY!  Fun!

Cambrie continues to spread her mirth and sunshine with Desiree by having her wear green contacts.  So between the flipper and the green eyes, Desiree in true form doesn’t actually exist at this pageant.  As a brown-eyed girl, I find this offensive times infinity.  I mean a green eyed red head is a gorgeous combo…IN NATURE.  It takes them like 2 years to put the contacts in.  Poor kid.

Don’t blind her for God’s sake!

Katie says that they are at a 9-10 glitz level (let’s see if the judges agree) and Desiree asks if everything is supposed to be blurry.  Did Cambrie just steal those from the ophthalmologist?  Maybe those were meant for someone with real sight issues!  Or it’s just the eyelash glue residue from Kailia that is smudging the lenses.

Mother Superior would not approve!

Beauty is the first category per usual.  Kayla is up first and she whines – actually whines – that she is ready.  OMG shut up.  She is up first and initially just stands there and finally she starts walking across the stage.  Emcee Andrea says the one word that describes Kayla is “independent.”  Oh, is that what parents are calling it these days?

I’ll choke you if you beat me.

April is onstage with her and all things considered (and if you hadn’t see the behind the scenes bullshit), she does a great job.  “Her goal in life is to make her dreams come true,” Andrea announces.  Wait.  What?  Isn’t that…wait…oh, man, I’m getting a cluster headache from that comment.  Someone help me out here.

Ketchup.  Catsup.  Ketchup.  Catsup.

Kailia is up next and tells her mother she won’t let her down.  Well, if you do, you’re out of the family.  Or dead on the doctor’s table, whatever.

Rut roh!  Aneurysm!  Call 911!

Cambrie helps Kailia onstage and she sort of looks weird, like an adult head on a little kid’s body.  Her goal in life is to go to the American Girl Store.  If you were a Chinese kid, your parents would disown you right about now.  Although if you were a Chinese girl, you would have been adopted by American parents anyway so you’d probably be right where you are.

God, no wonder she’s confused.

Good news…I looked it up and there’s one right in Las Vegas…no, wait, that is Full Service All American Girls Adult Club…nevermind.  Looks like you’re stuck going to LA to find the closest.  Her mom screams but later interviews she’s seen Kailia do better.  Oops.

Desiree is doing her best to hold the flipper in, so her smile is FOR SURE going to be extra-natural.  Katie says if it breaks during the pageant she will go get Super Glue.  That sounds both safe and healthy.  Hey, beauty hurts and sometimes it makes you really, really sick.

Body of Christ…I mean, here’s your flipper.

Junior Miss Division…Desiree tells one of the other girls, “This is where my mother goes crazy.”  Heh.  Then Katie tells Desiree not to move her head but instead pretend she has a broken neck.  She is going to kill onstage.

Desiree does a very stilted job onstage.  Andrea announces that Desiree has red hair and “beautiful green eyes,” which again – me no likey.  Deep down she knows those aren’t her eyes so if she wins, it’s like she sort of cheated.  But I guess with the makeup, hairpieces, dresses, flippers, butt paste and binding of the feet, they all do cheat don’t they?

Oil can!  Oil can!

Andrea says, “The one word to describe her is ‘Superfreak.’”  Holy shit.  Are you kidding me with this?  Even if it is a reference to Little Miss Sunshine, THAT reference was not a good one either.  And if it’s not a reference to that, then Katie is a terrible mother.  A more terrible one.

Katie says Desiree did an amazing job, especially with all the new moves Cambrie taught her.  Wow, she must have REALLY sucked before.  “I was blown away,” Katie says.  Why, did Kayla the firecracker explode?

Cambrie is changing Kailia and says, “We just need to get this done right.”  Good thinking, Sherlock.  She’s getting ready for swimwear and her mother tells her her hair looks like Medusa.  Talk about the whole package!  Kailia screams because the hairpiece is hurting her and Marcy says because of the quick turnaround in categories (5 minutes between beauty and swim), she says they’ll take grand supreme instead of ultimate supreme.  Well, at least you’re being realistic.

Hate. Kids.

Kayla is being the requisite brat again.  “Kayla’s attitude…” her mother says, “she don’t wanna do nothin’.”  Like learning grammar?  Kayla screams “Take it off, take it off!” when they try to put her headband on and April says they are going to try to get Kayla to do the rest of the pageant onstage by herself.  Probably because she and Coach Georgina are headed to the bar then for a pillow fight if you know what I mean.

Oh joy.

Kayla is up and again, she works it.  She could probably smile more but damn, kid has some spunk onstage and she does a great job.  She really has her routine down and despite my “yellow is for walls not for wearing” line of thinking, she looks great in the yellow.  Very cheerful.  Ironic.

Kailia is dealing with Cambrie bitching and moaning at her to remember her routines and blah, blah, blah.  God, she already has one mother to resent, she doesn’t need another.

Kailia has a lot of enthusiasm and she really sparkles in the face, so even though her routine might now be the best – OH MY GOD WHY IS HER MOTHER SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS!?!?!?!? – she does a great job.  Except for that section where she looked like a blow-up doll.  Ick.

This face always gives me the heebie jeebies.

Desiree is up and her mother screams, “Go Superfreak!”  That is wrong.  She says Desiree’s routine is theatrical.  “If I had made it up, it would have been risqué, but Miss Cambrie made it theatrical.”  Catsup, ketchup.

This is the move that made Miss Cambrie realize that she has wasted her whole life.

I don’t know what pageant Katie is watching, but she says that Desiree pours her heart and soul into it which is why she is a top contender and one of the top girls today.  Look, Desiree is okay…she’s not great, her moves aren’t as smooth as they should be and there isn’t a ton of energy probably because she’s trying so hard to remember the moves.  More practice will help.  So it goes with Parent-Colored Glasses™.

Miss Cambrie must be really stressed.  Also, I know it’s Vegas, but a little less conversation crotch.

The HORROR OF HORRORS!  Her flipper sort of falls out – in her mouth, and she covers by making fishface.  Guess she was able to save the day by closing her mouth!  Insert joke here.

Now it’s Wow Wear competition.  Wow.  Marcy says she thought everyone would do a showgirl so instead they did Jessie from Toy Story, which I’m going to have to take her word on.  The best part is Kailia comes out of a toy box called “Kailias Toys.”  I’d like to buy an apostrophe for $50 please.

Please make this face go away.

Kailia is practicing and her mother goes batshit.  “Kailia!  You have got to get this together!  Focus!  Focus!”  Calm the f#ck down, she’s four.

Desiree is totally psyched about her feathers and sparkle, but how does she feel about Fixodent?  She’s gonna forget it because now the flipper is staying in one place.  The tragedies these families go through and survive is just amazing when you think of all the wars, famine and lack of Clooney clones around the world.

Good horsey!

Kayla is doing a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader which is actually kind of a cool choice.  Who doesn’t love those outfits?  Kayla does a great routine but she’s looking very square-ish, like physically.  However, I think the cleavage seems a little much.

And her gyno pose really turned me off.

Kailia is thrown in the toy box and glossed up.  Onstage, she pops out of the toy box and runs all over the stage and ouch, does the splits that will make some man really happy some day.  Or now.

See?

Finally, Desiree is up.  “You’re going down,” she says, to no one in particular.  She bounces all over the stage and it’s kind of a hot mess.  The feathers are all over the place so maybe they hid it, but she really, really needs to practice.  But mom is proud and sometimes that’s all that matters.  Like now.

CLOMP! CLOMP! CLOMP!

Crazy Pageant Director Sister Angry says they do double crowning at this pageant, which means if you’ve won/lost you can still win at a higher level.  I think this is the first time we’ve seen this, right?  I don’t remember seeing another one like this, but maybe first season.  So basically, they can win in their age division AND win a supreme title.

When the hell did Frankenbaby get here?

First up, Petite Miss Division…Second runner up…not Kayla!  (It’s actually Bailey, who we’ve seen before I believe – cute redhead but with natural blue eyes, Desiree).  First runner up…not Kayla!  Oh man, that means the winner in this age division is Kayla!  So bad behavior continues to be rewarded.  For a higher title..Kayla is called out.  So she is probably going to double-crown.  April is in tears, mostly because she realizes what being a brat can get you.

My brat won!

Tiny Miss Division…Marcy is freaking out while Cambrie texts someone while looking totally bored.

I H8 KDS…TQLA SHTS LTR?

First runner up…Kailia!  Hmm.  Marcy says if she doesn’t get an ultimate she “sees her little heart breaking.”  Or are you talking about yourself?

The Tiny Miss Division winner is Asian girl – they always win, duh – but Kailia pulls out for a higher award!  Double crown, here we come.  Or do we?  I don’t get this.

If she doesn’t win, how do I leave her behind without anyone noticing?

Junior Miss Division, “Oh my goodness gracious!” Andrea sing-songy announces about the category.  Yeah, candle shopping.

Lighten the hell up already, you only have yourself to blame for your career choice.

“This is the Superbowl for her,” Katie interviews.  Or maybe it’s the Hyperbole, if you make the e silent.  Second runner up…Desiree!  You win!  So you lose!  The winner is some girl named Madrid.  Great, now parents are venturing internationally for geographic locations to name our kids.

The fake eyes and teeth really paid off!

Desiree says she’s bummed because she deserved the crown more than any other girl did.  If that were the case, you would have won it.

Supreme crowning!  April tells Coach Georgina, “If she gets supreme, I’ll be fine.”  What if she doesn’t?  Will you shrink and die like the witch in Wizard of Oz?  Because that would be so cool.

Grand Supreme with Mushrooms and Anchovies (give it a try, I swear), KAYLA!  Seriously?  Explain to me how she came in First Runner Up but then got a Supreme title.  Are they scoring Supreme with separate types of scores?  Why do they fake us out?  April is thrilled.  Kayla, not so much.

Kayla gets onstage and begins to scream and cry like crazy.  Everyone laughs because children making spectacles of themselves for no reason is hilarious.  Andrea says, “Look what I’ve got for you honey,” and she shows her the fan of money which Kayla takes then goes into screaming at dog-level noises.  Andrea backs away and Kayla throws the money down and pushes off the crown.  She’s a charmer, that one.

Yep, about par for the course.

Ultimate Grand Supreme…who will it be???  Kailia!!!  Mom jumps up and down and screams and so do I because I don’t understand how the second loser in her age division wins Ultimate Grand Supreme.

Learned at the Mickie Woods School of Mama Drama.

Wouldn’t she have won her category if she got that high of a score?  I mean, there’s keeping us on our toes and then there is Base-6 math that no one ever understood.

However, that crown ROCKS!

Desiree, sounding like she’s on suicide watch, tells us she’s going to keep doing pageants because it’s “a part of me, like my blood.”  She says, “I’m going to keep going and going until…I die, I guess.”  Suicide watch it is!

Death IS an option.

Coach Georgina tries to get a picture with Kayla after the pageant and Kayla keeps screaming “Go away!” and pushing her coach.  What a little bitch that kid is.  I mean really, does April not know about the time out chair?  How about the time out paddle with nails in it?

April interviews that Kayla stressed her out a little bit, “But I love to win,” and we see her wearing the crown and fanning herself with the money.  And there it is – it’s about her, not Kayla.

The truth always comes out.

Marcy says it was the longest day in her pageant history.  You aren’t in pageants.  Have you met April?

Next week?  The kid with the Dolly Parton inserts.  We’ve seen her in the background of one of these before and now she and her double Ds are front and center.  Can’t wait.