Oh. My. God. Jackpot! This episode of Toddlers & Tiaras brings back a couple of kids we haven’t seen for awhile and thank God one of them is bat-shit crazy with a doormat for a mother. It’s recapper GOLD I tell ya.
Everyone’s favorite non-felony pageant director Kim Colby is heading up the Viva Las Vegas Gold Coast Beauty Pageant, full of formal wear, Vegas “Wow Wear,” and Talent(lessness). The Vegas Wow Wear includes dressing like a woman in Vegas – showgirl, blackjack dealer, cigarette girl, cocktail waitress, Clooney girlfriend, Midwest tourist with an addiction to double knits, gum-chewing waitress with the heart of gold and/or whore with a broken arm.
In Orland, California we meet a girl we’ve seen before – Cassidy, age 8, and her completely in-denial and terrible disciplinarian mother Julie. She calls her daughter “wild as hell” which is really spooky since she’s only 8. Imagine what this kid is going to look like at 14. Cassidy tells her mother to “stop bugging her” and her mother laughs. Then Cassidy says slowly, “Do. You. Un…der…stand. Me.” Also, she seems to have some kind of speech defect – not really a lisp but sort of a problem enunciating words.
And I killed the cat you see behind me, bitches!
Julie reminds us that what made Cassidy stand out was “her behavior.” Not her personality, but her behavior. Which was bad. We see footage of her from the last episode she was in jumping on people, smacking people, basically being the bad seed while her mother tells us about her “undiagnosed ADHD,” some of which could have been medicated with a swift kick to the ass. Also, how do you know it was ADHD if it was undiagnosed? I’m an undiagnosed lottery winner – how about helping me with that?
“Since you saw us last…Cassidy is on meds,” Julie tells us, adding that Cassidy is “still kind of sassy.” No, she’s a brat who has some very violent tendencies. You may want to find new homes for those two little dogs of yours before you find bits and pieces of them strewn throughout the yard.
I fear for my life!
“She listens better,” Julie says, “and she doesn’t beat up inanimate objects anymore.” She laughs, probably out of fear. Julie calls her pills “be-good pills” and tells us Cassidy is nicer now, just as we see Cassidy tell her mother she’s going to hit her. Nice. Julie laughs. Yes, your daughter’s violence is HYSTERICAL.
In Inglewood, California, five year old Kiara tells us she’s going to “put on a show in Las Vegas.” There’s one off the bus every day, isn’t there? Mom Kyle tells us Kiara is going to be a show-stopper at the pageant. Yep, just not in the way you think she will be.
Kyle says when Kiara performs, she is all showcase. It’s more showdown than showcase, however, as we see her take a microphone and sing without emotion and with notes as flat as a pancake.
Off key AND loud. Now that’s talent!
Kyle continues to live in the city of denial (it’s getting VERY crowded with pageant mothers this season) as she says Kiara turns Diana Ross-fabulous and diva. This kid is no diva, let me tell you – she’s actually a great kid, good manners and pleasant to be around. I can also spoiler alert you that she’s going to have her ass handed to her because she is in no way, shape or form a pageant girl. And that’s a compliment.
Kyle tells us they’ve been doing pageants for about a year and they get very expensive. No shit. To help with the budget, they create bake sales for their neighborhood. With the cost of the cake batter and icing, signage and balloons, I think we all know that like most bake sales, they are probably lucky to break even. Also, looks like Kyle is pounding down the leftovers. Don’t you know about the kids in China? They are starving and/or learning multiplication tables to 20. Fear them.
Kyle tells some bystanders that Kiara “qualified for a pageant in Vegas” and they are just trying to get her there. Yeah, the qualification is the entrance fee – that was kind of false advertising. However, two guys take pity on the family and give them a donation. They make about $60 with the sale. That won’t even pay for gas to the event! Kyle says, “Halfway to one hundred dollars.” Yeah, money better spent on math classes for your daughter if you’re her educational role model.
Marketing your product is like real estate…location, location, location. And yours sucks.
In Glendale, Arizona we meet a very odd family. Ellisyn, 5, is adorable and a really good kid. What I found so fascinating about this family is the husband/wife relationship, and I’m using that term loosely.
Man, the tooth fairy has been busy at this house.
Dad Christian is very into pageants and he helps Ellisyn put in a flipper. He shows her how to walk properly and interviews that some people have boys and play baseball but pageants are their sport. He says he’s not ashamed to be a pageant dad. Which is totally cool.
Shake it like you mean it, dad!
Mom Barbie (I’m not kidding) says she was surprised at her husband’s interest in pageants. “He’s very proud and wants her to do her best,” she says. However she definitely stays in the background and is sort of a doorstop to their walking in and out of the door.
Back with Cassidy, we are visiting her acting “teacher,” as Julie yells, “She’s your responsibility now Jack!” Yeah, I’m sure he’s thrilled. Also, Julie, you’re not getting your own reality show, so tone down the theatrics a bit.
How can you have an attitude like that surrounded by so much beige?
Jack interviews that they are coaching Cassidy in dialogue for movies, commercials, and the May 2011 apocalypse. Cassidy and her acting partner do a terrible job going over dialogue. Jack tells her to say, “Dad…I see dead people!” How current! Turns out Cassidy wants to be in horror movies. Well, she certainly is one. Jack says, “I give her 100% potential.” Uh – what?! Doesn’t everyone have 100% potential, it’s what they do with it that requires the fractions?
Back in Inglewood, Kiara is at her dance class and it is fully of little girls spilling all over the place. Reminds me of my time at the YMCA learning ballet waaaay back when. I lasted about two years.
Either they are busting a supersonic move or I’m drunk again.
Kyle says Kiara has been in dance class since she was 18 months old (which…really? Can kids even walk straight at that point?). She says since they live in “the hood,” positive experiences are really limited. Have you considered saving the bake sale money to MOVE SOMEWHERE ELSE?
We see the girls all say, “I love myself, the way I am, there’s nothing I need to change…” aww, that is so cute. Good luck with that when you hit junior high and the real world comes crashing down on your self-esteem. Hood or not, girls are bitches.
Ellisyn is getting her nails done and dad is busy picking out the polish color. He says it’s fun to see his little girl become a princess. She wants flowers on her toes but they don’t want to do it before the pageant. She has the teeniest, tiniest meltdown we’ve ever seen on T&T and dad gives in and lets her have the flowers one toe. Dad wrapped around that well-manicured finger. I live there too sometimes!
I used to get mani-pedis before my digits became total snausages.
Back in Orland we hear a loud scream and Julie says pageants are a stepping stone to getting Cassidy into horror movies. And porn movies in a few years. Julie pounds down one of those small bottles of energy drink you can get at the gas station counter and they watch Cassidy scream on TV.
Now who’s medicating?
Cassidy says the home movie is pretty bloody and you see her…stabbing someone? No – she says, “I just wanted to hit that guy with the shovel.” Oh my God. Hope the defense team is able to track down this show in the next few years after she really does kill someone.
No special effects needed.
Back in Glendale, Barbie tells us that beauty does help people get ahead. She says she grew up “a lot thinner” than she currently is, and the truth is she has an enormous rump. “I was a beauty queen one day and the next day I wasn’t,” she says. Yeah, that ass looks like it took some work to attain, so don’t give us that load of crap. Or if you do, at least beep when you back the load up.
Yep, I had that hair in high school too. Not a proud moment, but a tall one.
And here comes the douchebag comment of the episode, provided by less-than Christian Christian, “If my wife had to compete with my daughter in a glitz pageant, my daughter would win hands down.” Okay, so you just told the entire WORLD (‘cause we know they’re watching in Australia!) that your five year old daughter is prettier than your wife. Smooooooooooooooooooooooth.
First of all, never compare the women in your life. Second, never say anyone is prettier than your wife. Third, that is the beginning of a really creepy string of thoughts to know you think your daughter is hotter than your wife. Maybe this is why Barbie is so plump in the rump…she’s squishing down her feelings of inequity like the boxes of Twinkies she squishes down her gullet on the way home from the A&P. Ah, repression, is there anything you can’t do?
Barbie says going glitz was eye-opening (to pedophiles it’s zipper-opening) and that she was surprised to see her daughter looking like a 17 year old. Ew. “But we got past it,” she says, saying you have to do what you have to do for pageants. Or, you could find something less objectifying to do with your daughter, there’s always that avenue in downtown denial.
Back in Inglewood, the anti-Disney of California, Kyle tells us that in their first glitz pageant, Kiara did not win and did not place. Okay, no offense, but doesn’t everybody win something at these things? For her not to win or place in any way is sort of embarrassing. Amateurs!
What a great laugh – why ruin it with pageants?
Kyle says Kiara needs the “minimum of things to level the playing field.” You know, the truth is being rich does help people compete in pageants – and everywhere else in life – you get the best outfits for sure, but more importantly is the coaching. I think these past few seasons you see how much differently the kids who are coached present themselves versus the kids who have moms who think they know best. There is no comparison.
Oh my God, did I just justify pageant coaches? Well, I do have a soft spot for Miss Margie and Miss Christy, what can I tell you? I’m becoming one of them! Help me!
Kyle shows us an outfit they got at Goodwill and says that if you’ve “got a good glue gun, you can glitz it up yourself.” First of all, congrats on the alliteration. Second, no you can’t. Somewhere in Arkansas, Eden and her mother just shuddered.
“I even used my income tax last year to buy her a new dress,” Kyle says. I so want to smack her. Why wouldn’t you put that away for emergencies, college, tutors in geophysics, ANYTHING but a new dress that she is going to outgrow in like 3 months?!?!?! Oh man, pageants are the new casinos.
Back in Arizona, Ellisyn introduces us to her grandmother and her “Auntie” who are “super, super funny.” They are twins and dress alike, and if there is anything sadder than seeing twin kids dressed alike, it’s seeing elderly twins dressed alike!
AARP is going to shit when they see those matching outfits!
Grandma and Auntie ask Ellisyn, “Do you think we look like queens?” No, you kinda look like lesbians. Barbie interviews that Auntie and Grandma are “fantastic sponsors” which means ATMs, and they are at every pageant. Both wearing crowns, Ellisyn dubs them “winners.” God, this kid is adorable and well-mannered.
Spooky music plays as we head back over to Cassidy’s House of Horror and Julie sing-songs, “Here comes the Vegas showgirl…mommy worked her fingers to the bone on this one.” She brings in a headless mannequin (Cassidy probably beheaded her) to show a Vegas showgirl outfit. It says, “Gold Coast” in silver lettering on the front. Keep it Klassy, Kassidy!
Pageants do affect us financially,” Julie admits. “I would go as far as to spend every last penny I had to buy her the best I could,” she says. What a moron. She says it upsets her husband sometimes and he interviews that sometimes they can’t pay the electric bill, buy gas for their cars or BUY FOOD because of the cost of pageants.
HOLY SHIT! You can’t pay your electric or buy food because of the pageants? WRONG WRONG WRONG! How do these people not see this? And how embarrassing to let everyone know what a bunch of f#cking morons you are on TV.
I would have blown my hair dry, but you know…no electricity.
Julie says she works her butt off for it and I have to tell you, no you don’t. That butt is still there. She and the other moms this episode should get together and head over to Curves. Might be nice to focus on yourselves for a change, ladies.
The big dilemma right now? Cassidy is now in the 8 to 10 age group which means she can either wear the cutesy cupcake dress or a long dress. Cassidy is option for a long, hot-pink, totally Barbie dress and I’m with her on this one. I love this dress! She’s still a psycho beyotch, but good choice on the dress.
Julie interview she’d love for Cassidy to win the pageant but she’s in the bottom of the age group, “So it’s never going to happen.” Well, the important thing is that she won’t be able to see this episode what with you not having electricity to run the TV. They take off for the pageant and I love the fact that Cassidy is in the front seat completely unbuckled and hanging out the window. I’m guessing that was on purpose.
Pageant day! In Vegas! Normally I hate the section of the episode where the pageant directors have to think of something nice to say about the girls TLC is following, but this one was a hoot when they got to Cassidy. Poor Pageant Director Kim says, “You know Cassidy…and you know Julie…” then she makes this face that says it all:
I mean seriously! How would you like to be known like that in the pageant community? You know it has to be small and that people talk! Kim asks, “Are the meds working?” Kim, let me take you out for a beer, that was the most hilarious intro I’ve ever seen on this show.
Julie interviews that Cassidy did have her medication as soon as they woke up, which is followed by footage of Cassidy making a face and moving back and forth slowly…it’s very creepy. She tells Cassidy that they are having a quiet moment and Cassidy says it’s time to kick her mother which she does over and over and over and over and seriously, no one would convict you if you tossed her in the river tied to a bag of rocks.
Cassidy is getting tanned by Christy Colby who looks suspiciously like Pageant Director Kim Colby…good for you! She also has great hair. Cassidy won’t stand still for the tanning of course and Julie lets everyone know “the pill has worn off.” Thanks, Sherlock.
Ellisyn is getting tanned too but before they can get to her Cassidy is back for a touch-up. Julie was washing the evil off of Cassidy, dripped onto her stomach and left drips/acid marks on her stomach. They ask for a 30-second touch-up. Get the checkbook and Christy will do it.
You didn’t cover up the 666.
Julie says she told Cassidy they wouldn’t have to dry her off…which, what? So they fix it and Christy says they should blow dry her to make sure it stays okay. Seems logical, but Cassidy says, “Want to break another promise?” to her mother. Julie feels bad that she promised they wouldn’t have to dry her and yet they have to dry her. Julie, have you looked in the mirror lately?
Yes you are.
“My mom…yes I am going to have to keep her in line,” Cassidy says. Someone beat this child. We are way past the time-outs.
Kiara is going to hair and makeup and she says she doesn’t wear that much. Kyle says she’s sure Kiara can win high point. Oh, honey, it must be lonely in your little world. Don’t get me wrong, Kiara is cute, but she is sooo not polished or prepared for these kind of pageants. She just isn’t.
I make this same face when the dogs lick my face. Seriously, it’s four tongues, what other face am I going to make?
Julie and Cassidy are going back and forth about the dress – Julie thinks she should wear the blue cupcake dress and is worried the pink will be the wrong choice. Cassidy throws a fit about her mother putting on her fake nails and Julie takes her shit. “She’s so mean but she’s so delicate.”
Here we go already.
Think about what you just said – your daughter is mean. That is spooky. Can you imagine the bullying Cassidy does/will do in the next few years? Keep laughing, Julie.
Mental illness is so funny!
“Let me smack you now,” Cassidy says. Julie says Cassidy is going to be in charge of her relationships when she gets older and my question is, “With whom?” Who the hell would hang around this brat?
Barbie and Christian ply Ellisyn with chocolate and coffee the morning of the pageant because it’s such a long day. That sounds like a Saturday to me – including last week when a friend made me some coffee toffee – yum! I bet Ellisyn likes her coffee black…
…Like her men!
Christian says they are “in it to win it” which makes me want to kick him in the balls, but apparently he doesn’t have any since he says his favorite part of the day is putting the fake nails on his daughter. Seriously? “As a pageant dad, I am a nail expert.” You just burned your man card.
Julie tells us Lindsay is Cassidy’s greatest competition. We met Lindsay a few seasons ago and she is poised, polished and beautiful. She is also not Satan which does put her a bit ahead of Cassidy on the points scale.
Looking at a program, Lindsay and Cassidy’s pictures are right next to each other and Cassidy says, “I despise you.” Julie “admonishes” her for her comments. Julie says “Lindsay is very disciplined and proper…everything I wish Cassidy would be in a pageant girl.” Or in a human being.
Like the Energizer Bunny of crying.
Julie whips the program out of Cassidy’s hand and Cassidy whines that Julie almost gave her a paper cut. Cassidy hits her mother then has a meltdown, saying her mother “almost cut off her finger.” Cassidy sits on the floor sulking and planning her next soul possession.
Julie handles this by going over to Lindsay and saying she looks cute “with your tooth missing,” which I took as very passive-aggressive on Julie’s part. Lindsay’s mom Melissa is very pulled together and says Lindsay is very mature and thinks she’s 25. She also acts like it but in a good way.
One of these things is not like the other.
Julie, looking like a total moronic hot mess next to Melissa, says, “I’ve got to go get my daughter out of the corner.” She’s been sitting there for half an hour. Cassidy continues to flop on the floor and Julie says she had to talk sweet to her, pick her up and carry her, and buy her candy. There is nothing that can go wrong with that way of disciplining a child. Soon you won’t have money for electricity because of the bail.
Damien Omen 4,329
Julie says she’s only doing this because they are at the pageant…once the pageant is over, Cassidy loses all the power and Julie won’t care if she’s crying. Julie, we know that isn’t true, that girl walks on you like you are a doormat at Whore Central. Cassidy gives her mother her best Satan look while she sucks down some candy. Stupid Julie.
And let’s begin! Beauty competition is first. Christian is shoving the flipper in Ellisyn’s mouth and keeps asking her if it’s okay…she’s like yes, it is…so he asks again…”Dad, it’s fiiiiiine,” she says. So he asks again and she says, “Why do you have to keep asking?” He says he won’t ask her again then says, “Does it feel like it’s falling out?” and Ellisyn, clearly irritated, points out the obvious and says, “You said you wouldn’t ask me anymore questions!” Heh.
Dad, I have ONE NERVE left and you are standing on it with stilettos.
Okay, is someone recapping My Strange Addiction? Because some nerd is living life with a mannequin he pretends is a real woman. He just told her the sex is going to be fantastic. It won’t. What a train wreck, TLC, if I haven’t told you recently, I LOVE YOU.
Ellisyn is up and she looks beautiful. She is really poised and seems very comfortable onstage. I guess the flipper IS fine, dad! She does a great job.
Kyle interviews that they rented a dress for the pageant and it easily would have cost $800-900 if they had purchased it. Again, amateurs! Do you not watch the show? That kind of money is spent by LOSERS. But smart move for renting the dress for $50 – that actually makes tons more sense than buying one.
So Kiara is up and she looks very pretty. Unfortunately, she walks very oddly – her chest is puffed out, her head goes from side to side and she looks like a wind-up toy. If she is going to continue to compete, she’s going to need a coach tout suite. Back and forth…back and forth…back and what the hell?
Coach Margie to the stage, STAT!
Pageant Emcee, our gal Andrea McLaws says Kiara should get a modeling coach. “Overall, though, she did awesome.” This is voiced-over where we see Kiara walking funny – somewhat pigeon toed. I’d probably get that looked at, but maybe it’s just because she was kind of stiff.
Julie is still bitching about the blue dress but says her pink dress looks a lot like Lindsay’s. Cassidy says hers has more beads and diamonds which is true, but I’m guessing Lindsay’s house has electricity.
What does it matter, she has way more class.
So here we go…wait, what? Cassidy made her mother wear bunny ears to, as her own mother puts it, “Make me look stupid.” Why bother when this show nails that for you? Sitting down next to some poor schmuck, Julie thanks him for moving over and says, “My daughter gets mad when I sit to close to the front.” Yeah, she gets mad at you for breathing, Julie.
The Playboy Mansion is officially on alert.
Lindsay goes onstage and looks like a dream…”She looks elegant, like a swan,” Julie says, adding, “and Cassidy’s the monkey.” Yep, that about covers it. Mom Melissa tells us that Cassidy has never beaten Lindsay whenever they’ve competed. Shocking, I know, but swan always beats monkey. That sounded dirty.
Cassidy is next. She looks really cute and normal if you hadn’t seen the show. I have to tell you her dress looks great but Emcee Andrea says she didn’t care for the dress, she thought she should have gone more glitz. Andrea, suck it, that dress rocked. The problem was the child in it.
She’s a psycho bitch, but I love this dress.
Next up? Vegas Wow Wear! Lots of showgirls – hey, you have to have a dream. Ellisyn is dressed in Hard Rock Café wear and she “rocks it” onstage. The twins are there saying, “Go Ellie, Go Ellie…” heh. She does a nice job.
There’s the money shot!
Kiara is wearing her Western wear and she looks totally cool! I’m all about the shimmy flapper-type pants and vest. Kyle says she likes to see Kiara transform into the diva but again, she’s not. She’s actually nice! She also has not thrown one fit this entire episode, so nice job raising that kid. She’s very pleasant and I bet she’s good in school.
I must have this outfit too.
Cassidy…whose medication has worn off. “When she gets that way, I just have to run!” Julie says, laughing. Julie, knock down the laughter, your daughter is awful and everyone BUT YOU knows it. And secretly, I think you do know it but you’re afraid to do anything about it. I would be afraid to, something is really wrong with her.
Cassidy starts making this growling/gurgling sound and Julie says it’s freaking her out. Get in line.
Only if it takes your head off too.
Lindsay is dressed as a showgirl and she looks very pretty and polished per usual. Cassidy is next and she has a lot of energy and does her routine. She might have remembered to smile…but whatever.
This is the sound of Lindsay mopping the floor with Cassidy’s ass.
Ellisyn is up for talent and does Animal Crackers…which involves her prancing around the stage with a box of animal crackers. Uh, yeah, I do that at work all the time, how is that talent? I mostly bug people. But they always want one of my crackers!
Just another beauty queen on the can.
Kiara’s talent is dancing the princess and the frog – she starts out as a cleaning lady dancing around a frog, then she (I guess) kisses the frog and takes off her cleaning smock to show a princess and the frog becomes a prince – it’s a cute concept but sort of a hot mess in reality.
Cassidy is doing magic for her talent – too bad she can’t make herself disappear. Unfortunately, she’s not the only one in her age group doing talent and the first girl does a great job. I guess…I don’t care for magic, it’s sort of a control freak thing I have going. The first girl pulls a rabbit out of a hat – hope Cassidy doesn’t throw it in a boiling pot of water later!
Cassidy is up and pouts the entire way through the magic act. No smile, not eye contact and TLC editors show us a very bored audience. Julie hoots and hollers and says Cassidy’s energy is on. Really not so much, Julie.
I tore Rudoph’s nose off and will now make is disappear.
Crowning!!! Wow, this pageant went fast…or not. Could be midnight for all we know. The big prize? Five hundred dollars. That SUCKS.
Best pageant attire? Ellisyn! Cover Girl winner…Ellisyn! Charmer…Ellisyn! High Point winner for Tiny Miss Division…Ellisyn! Which means she goes to overall High Point winner category. Dad is thrilled. Is mom still in the picture?
I got my pageant pin, so we really don’t need Barbie anymore.
Kyle is upset that Kiara didn’t win in any of the optional categories – wonder if she knows you usually have to pay for those categories? She may not have known that it’s pay to play. Amateur hour continues!
Talent winner…Kiara! YAY! That is exciting…oh, wait, she’s second runner up for talent. She says even if she doesn’t win the biggest crown today, she’s still the biggest diva there. No you’re not, you’re a good kid. Much more important and valuable as you get older. Plus, I bet you can get a better tiara on QVC. Ellisyn wins first runner up in talent.
YAY Kiara! Way to awkwardly stand.
Kyle interviews she was surprised Kiara didn’t win in Wow Wear. She says if you have more money it’s easier to win…no kidding. She admits she has to weigh whether they continue with pageants. I would say no, there’s so much more you could be doing with that money.
Doesn’t take a genius to figure out these numbers don’t add up, no matter how many times you double 60 to reach 100.
Julie tells us that Cassidy always places for talent…does she this time? Standing by stairs, Cassidy jumps into a position to run onstage and claim her prize when it is given to someone WITH TALENT! Oh no! Cassidy pisses and moans that she always wins talent and wipes her nose a lot – can Satan cry?
Clawing victory from the mouth of defeat just didn’t work.
Lindsay wins a shithouse full of awards including “Me and My Pet” photo award which I think they should have shown. Lindsay also wins High Point and Julie says that Lindsay has that something that “Cassidy doesn’t have yet.” And never will. It’s called class.
So it looks like Cassidy won…nothing? Oh, wait, she wins fourth runner up. Wait, why did they call the winner before the runners up? I just don’t get that. But fourth runner up? Now that’s karma. Julie says it’s the first time in a long time she hasn’t won queen or supreme. Maybe it’s because she’s a little bitch?
You brought it on yourself, brat.
Overall High Point winner…ELLISYN! Don’t spend that $500 all in one place. Mom and Dad are thrilled and plan to continue with pageants. “Now it’s time to party!” Ellisyn says. She means tea party with her stuffed bears.
Now I can get that Gene Simmons tongue extension I’ve always wanted!
Cassidy makes her trophy a gun and shoots it at people. She wants to keep doing movies and says she’s like to do “ghetto pageant girl.” You just did. Her mother hugs her and says, “You little nut job!” Cassidy growls at the camera. What a hot mess.
My point exactly.
Next week? Bratty, crying kids. I can’t wait.