Toddlers & Tiaras: Who’s Afraid of Eden Wood?

Everyone, apparently!  In this episode of Toddlers & Tiaras, Pageant Director/Shirley Temple impersonator Besty Gee introduces us to the Ohio Southern Celebrity Pageant being held in Athens, Ohio…my home state!  And we are certainly NOT southern.  I guess my irritation with this title stems from the time when I was learning about colonization and found out Ohio was actually a Midwestern state (I had always considered us part of New England…I was a dumb kid, clearly).  I’ll take Midwest, but don’t try to shove us in with the confederates!  Their money is still useless!

Southern my ASS, Suzy Boing-Boing Curl!

She tells us the Ohio doesn’t have as much with the glitz pageants as other states, mostly because we are busy tipping cows and rooting for local sporting teams…go fighting whatevers!  I wish I could say it’s because we are too smart for this crap, but this episode proves that wrong and offers subtitles to boot.

In Adrian, Michigan (is anyone still living in Michigan?  I thought they ran out of food and water a couple of years ago?) we meet 3 year old Mercedes (is that really a good name for someone in Michigan?  Why not Edsel?) and her mother Amanda.  Amanda is worried about her daughter’s pimple.  She’s three, it’s probably a chicken pock.

“My daughter is known as the firecracker at all the pageants we go to,” Amanda says.  Meaning her kid is a hellion without any boundaries, much like the kids AND parents brunching next to us today (seriously, if yelling for a spouse over another family’s table seems okay to you, please stay home).  Mom wants to pop her pimple on camera, because what else is reality TV for?  “She’s very independent, strong-willed and feisty,” Amanda says.  All I heard was “BRAT BRAT BRAT!”

Heeeere’s SATAN!

When Mercedes won a big title once, she told everyone she wanted to be Miss America and her mother was wowed by her big dreams.  How does a 3 year old know about that unless a parent planted that “big dream.”  Doyeee.  “We do hope that she becomes famous.”  Again, not with a specific job, just “famous.”  Oh, America, why has it come to this?

Over in Jackson, Ohio, we meet robotic mom Cynthia who has absolutely tragic 80s hair and the curling-ironed bangs to match.  This is why Ohio gets such a bad rap for being behind the times…we are!  Daughter Tiffany will be competing and this is her first glitz pageant.  Oh no.  OH NO.  That never works out well, does it?  Going from Amish to Paris Hilton on one fell swoop.

Nice hair.  If it was 1982.

Eight year old Tiffany tells us she’s going to “beat those glitz girls at their own game,” and if she doesn’t, it looks like mom will beat them behind the school.  Mom tells us they started Tiffany in natural pageants when she was nine months old and she wins supremes a lot.  “She’s a very big deal in natural pageants,” she says.  Well, that doesn’t mean SHIT in glitz pageants.

Then the best thing happens.  Cynthia speaks without any real facial movement and her lips barely move, plus she has some kind of accent (Jackson is sort of close to Kentucky/West Virginia, so I’m blaming that), so TLC has to SUBTITLE what she says so we can actually understand her.  They have to SUBTITLE ENGLISH. Yay, Ohio!  Lookin’ GOOD.

Toastmasters, here she comes!

Their biggest concern?  Anna Nicole Smith look-a-like and pageant guru EDEN WOOD will be there.  I am so excited that Eden Wood was in my state!  It’s like we’ve arrived!  I wonder if the sun shone brighter that day…we’ll never know for sure.  Also, if I were a natural pageant kid, I’d be shitting my competitive pants right now.  “We’re going in a underdogs,” Cynthia says.  And how!

In Memphis, Michigan, we meet one of my favorite contestants and someone who was profiled in one of the earlier seasons, Isabella and her mother Tammy.  In full disclosure I should mention that I was in contact with Tammy after my recap about her and her daughter.  She told me that Isabella was the cute, adorable kid I thought she was, and also to say she herself had a good sense of humor about the whole recap.  As opposed to that luxuriating fool, Sabrina, who used her Christian mouth to call me some filthy things.  God Bless, Sabrina!

Isabella continues to be a great kid – she wears awesome glasses, is beautiful and is clearly a super-smart kid.  I think she’s going to be the Winnie of The Wonder Years – Danica McKeller – who is not only gorgeous but also has a theorem named after her.  I had to spell-check theorem.

J’adore!

Isabella says she’s not the typical pageant girl.  No kidding!  You’re smart and well-behaved.  “I don’t always win all of the pageant but I always try my best.”  I know, what the hell is she thinking?  Trying her best.  What are ya, Chinese?

Tammy says she heard rumors there would be “fierce competition” at the pageant…translation, EDEN WOOD!  Isabella is really excited about seeing Eden Wood and says there is going to be a party there for her because someone wrote a book about her.  A quick look on that internet-y thing proves it’s true, it’s called Eden Wood: From Cradle to Crown. A Life in Pictures. Why not just add “A Lifetime Original Movie starring Eden Wood as Eden Wood and Barbara Eden (ironic, no?) as the Supportive Mother.”

Back in Adrian, Michigan, Amanda is trying to get Mercedes to practice but it seems like she maybe had a few too many bowls of Frankenberry to settle down.  Her mother tells us she likes to put in a lot of “Mercedes-isms” in her routines.  Yeah, going off the reservation is never good in a glitz pageant.  Her mother says she likes to throw things at the practice judges and we see her swinging a bat around.  Finally!  Justice for the judges!  Then she shows her butt crack.  I think they take points off for that.

What I look like after a long day at work.

Josh, Mercedes dad, is clearly whipped with a capital “Whh” tells us that Mercedes does whatever she wants.  Mom says you never know what you’re going to get.  This is why restraints were invented.

Back in subtitled Ohio, Cynthia robots that is was difficult to prepare for this pageant because they had to glitz up her natural girl dress.  So basically her seamstress Lisa just hosed the dress with glue then shot a bunch of sequins out of a blow gun at it and violà!  They also added a crapload of crinoline to the skirt to make it more cupcake-y.  Oh, and they added feathers too.  Awesome.  They also glitzed up the majorette outfit with tassles.

Cynthia, sporting yet another 80s hairstyle (one very similar to what I wore in high school!) tells us, in case we’ve been living under Ayers Rock, that glitz clothes are more expensive than natural clothes – in fact she normally only spends $40-50 for outfits for natural pageants.  WHAT THE HELL?  Really?  See…now that is something I can get behind…sort of.  Let’s say it’s a financial statement I can get behind as far as pageants being a hobby, but judging kids on beauty is still creepy.

The hair is still not helping your cause.

Cynthia says it’s been very stressful financially because they really didn’t know what they were getting themselves into and they are struggling a little bit.  Dad Mark tells us they had to use their income tax check to pay for all of it.  Well, that was money well-spent.  You can totally tell he wanted an ATV death machine instead.

Mercedes is putting on her own makeup and she looks like a drunk housewife.  She calls herself a “sock” star.  Oh, man, I just had a hundred dirty jokes fill my head and it’s like an ice cream headache.

Your talent is “Drunk Housewife.”

Tammy is pushing to keep Mercedes as natural as possible which kind of surprises me.  She says both she and her husband get very nervous at the pageants because they know other girls completely glitz out.  She admits that she and Josh take anti-anxiety meds on pageant days.  I’m thinking they take them on “everyday,” but that’s just my guess.

I need a pill just looking at this picture.

Back in Jackson, and thanks for the twangy-hilljack music, TLC, we’re not all hillbillies here, Tiffany is at the salon to get hair, nails, and some other stuff done, and Cynthia tells us that it’s going to cost them about $120, more than they spend in total for a natural pageant.  Would that I could get out of the salon that cheaply.

Better, but still smacks of mullet.

Cynthia admits that they spent $2000 on this pageant and there is a big difference between $100 and $2000.  Yeah, it’s $1900!  That’s like 6 car payments, probably two house payments in Jackson, college books for…well, probably just a year nowadays…but you get my point.

Cynthia says when there is this much money involved she doesn’t want Tiffany coming home with just a queen title.  She says if Tiffany loses a higher crown to someone else, she’d go over to that girl, take the crown off and say, “I deserve it.”  So she’s a bully like her mother appears to be?  Also, I don’t really get the bully vibe from this kid, I think Cynthia’s the one ripping the crown off some kid.

You are awfully serious for such a pretty girl.

Isabella is doing a photo shoot and there are two Emo kids there to help with her hair and makeup. She’s doing a sporty look and a princess look.  Tammy says they should bring the Emos to Ohio with them for the pageant, and she has no idea how right she is.  All it would have cost was an extra hotel room and food and water.  Emos in captivity are relatively low-maintenance I hear.

To Emo or not to Emo, that is the question.  BTW, the answer is yes, EMO.

Photographer Claude has worked with Isabella before and has used her in some of his “shows” and where he’s been published.  I will admit he’s not creepy like most photographers we’ve seen on this show.

However he should consider staying awake during work.

Tammy said she’d love to trade places with Isabella and have her hair and makeup done every day.  Tammy!  Don’t be one of those mothers on Oprah who’ve given up everything for their kid!  Take time out to pamper yourself because I really don’t want to see you at the local supermarket dressed in sweats, no makeup, hair not washed in days like so many other mothers.  I WILL give you that snotty single career woman sneer that says, “When did you give up?”  I have it perfected.

Reading?  You are SO not a typical pageant mom.  Smartypants!

Isabella is dressed in a gorgeous green dress that I must have in adult size and she looks beautiful.  She’s probably going over the multiplication tables in her mind.  That color is great on her and she says she had a lot of fun.

Seriously, someone tell me where I can get this dress.  Then find a place where I can wear it.

Athens, Ohio, the night before the pageant.  Cynthia is roboting (is she nervous?) that they came in the night before to work with Coach Angela – and this is the first time they’ve worked with her.  Miss Angela tries to train Tiffany but you can’t do this one day before a big event.  Tiffany isn’t big enough in her movements or emotions to compete with the glitz girls and Miss Angela asks incredulously, “You’ve been practicing ‘a lot’?”  Hope she got her money up front.

And you can stop giving me that dirty look, quadri-boob. 

Miss Angela interviews that for many parents, the first glitz pageant blows them away because they don’t know what to expect.  Cynthia says she doesn’t want to walk away with a “small title” after paying so much for this.  Then you should have come better prepared, dumbass.  “I’d rather we quit doing pageants if it gets to a point where she don’t do very well.”  Yeah, you should have spent that money on a grammar coach.

PAGEANT DAY!  Forty-five girls from “east of the Mississippi” are competing.  And 40 of them are probably from Ohio.  Pageant Director Betsy tells us “there are no rookie mistakes.”  Really?  Because I’m pretty sure Tiffany is going to make a couple.

Oh brother!  Eden Woods is in the house and everyone hoots and hollers.  All 45 of them and their families who think this kid is a real celebrity.  Mom Mickie apologizes for being late, she wasn’t planning on getting to Ohio during a blizzard.  “We don’t have blizzards in Arkansas!”

Really, Mickie?  Because reality in Little Rock tells us differently.

Eden is signing autographs – I wonder if she charged like a reader said she did in Australia…that’s one way to make money.  Isabella is thrilled to have met Eden and thinks the coolest thing is that she got her picture taken with Eden.

Don’t look into the light Isabella!

Don’t fall for it Isabella!  Look at your futures:

Yours, compared to…

…Edens.  ‘Nuff said.

Mickie says she never expected Eden’s appeal and how much people love her as “America’s Sweetheart.”  Yeah, probably had nothing to do with your agent, publicity, Eden doll, Eden book and this show.

Cynthia robots, “Yes, Eden is competing.  We are a little nervous.”  You should be.  When they meet Eden Cynthia admits it’s their first glitz pageant.  Mickie tells them to take out a loan.  Don’t worry, they did at the nearest CashMart with 286% APR.  Mickie is actually very nice to everyone when you know she could be a total snobby bitch, so I appreciate that.  I enjoy people with manners.  Sadly, none of them seem to show up during my daily commute.

Really, I just wanted the cake.

Amanda is already popping pills as she says they are already running late and she has to leave Josh in line to register Mercedes for the pageant.  She says he’s “very nervous.”  About registering.  For a kids pageant.  There’s a man’s man right there.  Wonder if he has a single brother?

Hairspray or bug spray?

Amanda does Mercedes’ hair and makeup and keeps it pretty natural.  She admits the other girls are way glitzed up and Josh, having peed in his pants after seeing Eden Wood the day before, thinks they should tart their daughter up a little more in order to compete.  Take another chill pill, Josh, and stop letting little girls scare you.

Tammy is freaking out about doing Isabella’s hair and makeup and for good reason.  She asks someone if she should do eyelashes first or foundation first and suddenly I’m afraid for Isabella.  Should’ve brought the Emos with you, Tammy, tsk tsk.  And it’s foundation first, for those playing the board game.  “I’ll do my best,” Tammy says.  Now we know where Isabella gets it!

Seriously, how cute is this kid?  Wouldn’t you want to room with teen Isabella in college?

Tammy says Isabella has gorgeous hair and curls and she covered it up with fake hair.  Oh, Tammy, no.  No!  She looks like Loretta Lynn, the early years.  The worst part is Isabella’s hair and hairpiece don’t exactly match because Isabella has that gorgeous hair that goes from brown to blonde and everything in between.  Tammy realizes her mistake and says she’ll never do glitz hair and makeup again.  Thank you, Tammy, I’m going to let you live.

Oh shit!  You look like Dolly Parton circa 1968.

Cynthia says they are paying Miss Angela $100 for hair, makeup and coaching (Miss Angela ain’t charging enough!) and in the middle of it Tiffany has a teeny meltdown.  Miss Angela says she’s doing her best but it depends on Tiffany’s attitude.  They try to put mascara on her and she starts crying but it’s really nothing major.  She’s just nervous and says her mother really thinks she’s going to win.

Perhaps you shouldn’t work with children anymore.  Or humans.

And we’re off!  First up is the two-year division and Amanda is freaking out because it’s supposed to be 2-3 year old group.  I know!  Crisis!  The big worry is if they expand it out to four year olds because then the dreaded EDEN WOOD will be in her category.  Josh says he sees TONS of girls who are better than he daughter and he doesn’t like that.  Well, maybe you should keep that on the down low, douche.

Let’s just stay back here and worry instead of actually asking someone what group you should be in.  Can I interest you in a happy pill?

Mercedes goes onstage with a sort of light seafoam green dress and she is very natural looking.  I’m sure she’s screwed.  Amanda says she wants to pop an extra pill sometimes.  Hobbies really shouldn’t do that to you, just FYI.  Mercedes does have a lot of energy onstage and is very cute, but she’s not whored up enough for glitz.

Yeah, she’s workin’ it.

Four to five year olds, Eden is up and Tiffany says she knows Eden is going to get the big one.  Or a wilted one if she marries a Texas billionaire as her trajectory seems to indicate.  Eden does do well, but she’s a pro.  Insert joke here.  Cynthia says they have their work cut out for them.

The hatred is palpable.

Tammy says she thinks Isabella looks “okay” and she does – just okay, which is a bummer because she’s really a beautiful little girl.  Her bangs are doing something really funky – it looks like some are straight and some are curled and all I want to do is reach through the TV and comb them.  Then we hear a fart and I wasn’t sure who it came from.  I usually blame the dogs.

Tammy says her husband bought a fart machine, which really, guys?  Do you need an extra machine for those noises? And apparently he loves to let loose on it all the time and it has several settings.  Isabella cracks up every time she hears it.  Too bad they didn’t pull the trigger on that thing when Eden was onstage, that would have been hilarious.  I mean, if you have it, use it wisely!  “Farts are funny,” Isabella says.  Yes they are.

Hey, when did the coalminer’s daughter get here?

Isabella’s face is stunning and her hair is ginormous but more in a bouffant 60s way than pageant hair.  Her Coach Miss Jessica is there, which again begs the question, why not bring the Emos!?!?!?!  Isabella says, “My mom has happy tears because she’s proud of me.”  We ALL are!

Junior Miss 8-9 division…Cynthia says she gets very competitive when she sees other girls at the pageants who have come more prepared and “more well coached.”  Seems like you might want to come prepared if you want to compete, duh.  Tiffany says when her mother is in pageant mode all she does is cross her arms.

Yeah, there’s the face and body language of a gracious loser.

“I just go off the handle and say we shoulda done this, we shoulda done that…”  THEN WHY DIDN’T YOU?  There is this crazy thing called the INTERNET and you can do a lot of good research on it.  You should have known what you were up against changing from natural to glitz.  Way to prepare your kid.

Tiffany gets onstage and her dress is really pretty – you know how I like the hot pink.  She is very pretty and doesn’t seem to have a ton of makeup on, which is nice.  Cynthia cries but I worry it will seep into her mechanical robot parts and rust her out like the Tin Man.  I’m sure someone has the oil can – it’s probably next to the butt paste.

Pretty but not polished…yet!

CRISIS!  Part of her cupcake skirt came “un-velcroed” which really, seamstress, you velcro’d it instead of sewing the damn skirt?  Lazy bitch.  Cynthia says she doesn’t think the judges noticed, but let me assure you, they did.  THEY DID. Dun-dun-dunnnn.  Seamstress is in for an ass-kicking when they get back to Jackson.

Cynthia says she thinks Tiffany competed very well with Eden and I have to say, are you freakin’ kidding me?  No offense, Tiffany is beautiful, but Eden has been glitzing it for YEARS.  She’s just at a level you can’t compete with because you just haven’t put the time in.  “I think they’re both gonna score really high.”

Outfit of Choice…Amanda says Mercedes hasn’t practiced in over 48 hours because she said she didn’t need to.  Way to leave that decision to a three year old.  She gets onstage, tosses her teddy bear and bounces in place.  Kid has a ton of energy and really shows it when she competes.

He really didn’t.

Eden goes onstage in her Vegas showgirl routine and it is a total snore!  All she does is walk around and shimmy and even mom Mickie says it wasn’t as good as it normally is.  They had practiced on a bigger stage so it’s the stage’s fault.  Then Eden knocks over the Elvis cutout. Heh.

Sweet Christ.

Isabella is up in a little firefighter costume and she has a ton of energy and her face really lights up.  Why she cartwheels like I do (and I have 30+ year on her) is beyond me.  Someone get her to the playground, stat!  She improvised a lot but mom is proud and says the audience doesn’t know what she may have missed.

Cute!  Just make sure to save my dogs first.  Then the Clooney porn.  Then the Le Creuset.  Use the potholders, though, it will be hot.

Tiffany is getting ready and Miss Angela says she really needs to work on her technique to improve.  She is dressed in a red, white and blue number that has waaay too many accessories, even for glitz.  She dances around, throws some kind of confetti up in the air (who cleans that up?) and she does a pretty good job.  “She rocked the stage,” Cynthia says, “so I think she’ll supreme.”  I think she did well but the only supreme in your future is at The Hut.

Wow, there’s a whole mess of shit going on here.

Talent is up and is optional.  Unfortunately, all of our girls opt for it.  Eden sings, although we don’t have to hear it, and Mercedes does a Yankee Doodle Dandy dance then she ruins it by singing it very quietly.  Amanda says she’s sick of hearing that song.  Then teach her a Nine Inch Nails tune.  I enjoy “Head Like a Hole” and plan to walk down the aisle to it should I ever get married.  Which is never.

Somebody’s gassy.  How is that a talent?  Unless she’s connected to the fart machine.

Isabella says talent is her favorite event and she hula-hoops after doing another tragic cartwheel.  Why can’t she cartwheel?  Also, for a split second I think about getting a hula hoop in order to get my abs in shape, but that would require actually getting off the sofa, so that plan was quickly abandoned.

You know Tammy taught her these moves!

Cynthia asks her husband if he thinks Tiffany will take everything.  Are you delusional?  I mean, she’s pretty but to take every crown in your first glitz pageant, Jesus.  See if Amanda has any extra pills before Josh slams them all down.

Tiffany gets onstage for her baton/majorette routine and oh my God does she suuuuuck!  She drops the baton right away and I’m not sure if it’s nerves after that or what, but she drops the baton six times that we see.  Cynthia says she may not win talent but she’s sure to place.  Are you kidding me?  SHE DROPPED THE BATON DURING A BATON ROUTINE!  Man, pay attention already.

Consider practicing next time.

She says she now thinks Tiffany may “supreme low.”  WTF?  Make up your mind already where you think she’s going to be or shut your piehole and stop showing everyone how clueless you are.  Also, please don’t beat me up.

CROWNING!  Josh goes onstage with Mercedes.  Prettiest Hair…Mercedes!  Prettiest Smile…Mercedes!  Best Personality…Mercedes!  Talent…Mercedes!  Wow, this really surprised me because she was so  low-glitz.  Pulling out for a higher title…MERCEDES!  The other kids walked away with dick, which is unusual.  And sad for them.  Heh.

In your face, glitz bitches!

Isabella’s group…Prettiest Hair…not Isabella (thanks, mom!).  Talent…not Isabella!  What the hell!  Have you ever tried to hula hoop that long?  Young Miss Princesses…Isabella gets one of the three princess title.  Tammy says, “It’s a consolation prize,” then whispers, “she doesn’t know that.”  She does now!  Also, she was robbed.  You can tell Tammy is upset and Isabella is bummed she didn’t get an overall.

Robbed!

Tiffany’s group…Cynthia says she doesn’t want Tiffany to come home with “just queen.”  Make up your mind already, Jesus.  Prettiest Hair…not Tiffany.  Most Beautiful…Tiffany!  Thank God, because Dad is wearing a “Killington” shirt.  Best Personality…Tiffany!  Phew!  Everyone lives!  Two from this division are going to the supreme category…not Tiffany!  OH SHIT.  So the Queen title goes to Tiffany.  “Queen means you got the second lowest title,” she says.  Isn’t it the second highest?  Or highest title if you look at just the age category?

First-timer and natural pageant girl kicks ass!

Tiffany wants to know if it’s a three or four foot trophy and she thinks it’s only three, then she refuses to put her crown on.  “My mom is proud of me but I’m not proud of myself.”  Hey, I think Queen for your first glitz pageant is damn good and way better than Miss Angela probably thought you’d place.  Glass half-full, kid.

Now that judging is over, the sweet release of a silent fart.

Supreme titles!  Talent Supreme…Eden Wood.  Meh, she just had the most props.

The tides are turning!

However, that meant she wasn’t up for any higher titles and I was really surprised.  I assumed Eden would take the Super Supreme with Ice Cream on Top title but now it’s coming down to Mercedes.  Weird!

I’ve got your whole package right here!

Grand Supreme…Mercedes!  At first I thought she won the biggest title, it was GRAND supreme, but then they gave away the Ultimate Grand Supreme was some pre-teen.  Tiffany bursts into tears.  Now?  Did you not know you were out of the running until now?  She whines like a sore loser and I’m really surprised.

How is winning a Queen title a failure?

Tammy asks for the final scores and the judges seemed to say nice things about Isabella.  Tammy said they had fun which is the important thing.  Unless you are Tiffany.

“I feel proud of myself,” Isabella says.  You should. Enjoy writing theorems and don’t expect me to understand them!

Next week?  Bratty kids following in pageant moms’ footsteps.  Excellent.