Toddlers and Tiaras: Bang! Bang! Your Pageant Career is Dead!

Back for more, are ya? After last week’s total and complete El Niño shitstorm of comments, we need to make a fresh start this week. Let’s agree to disagree: Some people believe that pageants are cost-effective hobbies that are enjoyable for the entire family, while others believe the machinery of pageantry is oiled with the self-esteem of the contestants. And butt paste.

We begin this week’s drama-ridden Toddlers & Tiaras with the Babes of Summer pageant in Marmaduke, Arkansas. Marmaduke! Will you ever learn you are too big for the couch?

Sometimes these recaps just write themselves.

This week’s pageant director is a hyphenator because she’s trying to be a feminist, Alison McCormick-Pyland. This is only her second pageant as director and we will soon see why it will probably be her last. She tells us this is a full-glitz pageant, which can only mean one thing: they are looking for the TOTAL PACKAGE. So is anyone dating George Clooney, boo-ya! More than 100 girls from 8 states will be competing, which is pretty big considering some of the pageants we’ve seen previously. Nothing can go wrong with that many hyper kids, pageant moms and an amateur pageant director. If it’s opposite day!

Alison interviews that this is one of the most competitive pageants she’s seen which sort of loses something when you find out this is only the second year for this pageant. The winner takes home $1000 in cash (until the 1099 shows up) which is one of the higher prizes. Will they be giving away another live animal? Probably a mongoose. Aren’t they native to, uh, Arkansas?

The gerbil fur crowns are gonna put last year’s to shame!

Over in Harrisburg, Arkansas, which looks like a really pretty place, we meet HOLY SHIT why are those kids carrying guns and where can I get one? We meet three gun-toting tots. “We are the Sprinkle sisters and we are a triple threat,” they say together, pointing their fingers like guns, which actually makes them a sextet of threat since they each have two thumbs pointy fingers to make faux guns. Yikes.

I’ll get your Ooompa Loompa right now. Just please don’t shoot me.

Savanna is the forgotten older child at 10 (I feel your pain!), Makayla is sporting the middle child trauma at the age of 8, and Elizabeth is probably the favorite because of her blonde hair, blue eyes and ability to not only to shoot at a deer decoy/lawn ornament with pretty good aim, but because she’s the youngest at 6 and we ALL know how that works. Mama’s baby! She also says she loves big hair, so how could she not be the favorite?

Dana is their mother and she’s really cute including when she talks in that southern accent that is slightly more charming than the ones on display in Deliverance. Makayla spills the beans on this pageant and says their mother is going to be doing the pageant with them this time. Oh, Lord, we all know how well that worked out for Stacy in season one. Meaning not at all and the outfit did NOT make her look thin no matter how delusional she was and still is.

Dang, y’all, how ’bout some sweet tea?

Dana tells us that “98% of the time they all win or place,” but considering how many trophies and sashes get handed out at these things, that’s a really low percentage. “It’s really fun when it’s a three-crown night,” Dana says…

…I’ll say!

Over in Paragould, Arkansas, where people don’t slow down for train tracks and alignments are $89.95, we meet six year old Hope Hernandez who is pretty cute in her cowboy outfit. She says, “I’m going to rock that stage!” Wait! She is toting a pair of guns too. Damn, I need to move to this state, there are more guns here than in Texas! Totin’ Toddlers & Tiaras!

Are they competing in a pageant or a gun show?

Hope’s mother/father/both, Michelle, looks like she could take pretty much all of us in a fair fight, and all of us plus one in an unfair one. She honestly looks like someone who had to give up bar fighting because she needed to get to a PTA meeting without any more bruises. Wonder if she’s competing in the mom division at the pageant?

OH GOD SHE’S GONNA EAT PRINCESS LEIA!

She tells us that Hope has competed in 20-30 pageants and she definitely has the crowns to prove it. Hope says her mother really helps her with her pageants…how, I’m not totally sure, unless driving her there counts as “helping” because she’s not giving fashion or health advice, that’s for damn sure. Michelle tells us that they try to make the pageants fun and not something Hope HAS to do.

“It is hard for most kids when they get ripped offstage, or get their butts whooped when they leave…it’s because the parents are living through their child. They’re not letting the child be themselves,” she says, starting to tear up. Kids who don’t win get beaten? Is that why there are always sashes for everyone who participates? I find it hard to believe you’d smack a kid for losing…that would be like a jockey punching his horse if he doesn’t win the Kentucky Derby, or a driver kicking his car for not winning the Indy 500. You just don’t damage the goods, right? I mean, I don’t even like kids and I would know better.

Seriously, why must you ruin every restaurant dinner?

Michelle completely breaks down. “It’s hard to watch the child get spanked because they didn’t come home with the crown,” she says. Kids don’t get spanked for acting like total brats on this show, why would they get spanked for losing? I think TLC would have shown that and someone probably would have called the local child protective services agency…although if they are a pageant family, that may be like the pageant pot calling the abusive kettle black. Maybe Michelle is PMSing or just making up shit. I’m going with the latter.

In Marmaduke, Arkansas, the hometown honey is four year old Sara who is doing a paint-by-the-numbers on her mother’s face with makeup. Only if you want to look like a Picasso painting should you let a kid do your makeup…

Even Pablo wouldn’t have hit that mess of a woman.

Teresa tells us her daughter Sara is a “rocking fun pageant princess.” Well, that’s better than being a “rocket man pageant princess” like Elton John. I think. They began entering Sara in pageants when she was one because they thought it would bring out her personality. Nope, it SHAPED her personality, big diff, but whatevs. Sorry, I was channeling smart-ass teen there for a second. Residual attitude from our family Labor Day picnic, what do you expect?

Sara enjoys tooling around her yard in her John Deere bulldozer and I won’t lie…I’m jealous. I would kill for a John Deere riding mower which I would have except for the fact my yard is like 1/3 an acre and it would take maybe 5 minutes to mow the lawn with that thing – no fun. She puts a worm in the shovel part of the bulldozer and lets it sit in the sun to bake to it’s death. Why doesn’t she just shoot it like the other girls would? No wait, she adds a leaf for shade. Good thinking, now it can just roast from the hot plastic.

RIP SUCKA!

Back with the Sprinkles, Dana interviews the girls have never had a professional coach but instead use their dance teacher, Miss Amber, to help them with pageant routines. The best kid? Elizabeth. Savanna looks like squid on the floor, all arms and legs and not knowing where to stop. Good luck at the pageant, Salieri.

I deserve that crown! I deserve it!!

Then Miss Amber turns to Dana. “Mom, it’s YOUR TUUUUUUURN,” she says in a voice that actually curdled the Half and Half in my fridge. Jesus. Dana has to practice because she’s going to be up against about 8 other moms in this pageant. She might consider going up a size in clothes – she’s a little hottie, but she’s sort of muffin-topping out because her clothes are too tight. Stacy and Clinton would not approve…

Do you have any butter for that muffin top?

Back in Marmaduke, Sara is practicing prancing around in her glitz dress. I wish I had a glitz dress to prance around in my house. But I know eventually I’d have to let the dogs out and the kids in the neighborhood would think I’m Glenda the Good Witch and beg me for wishes until I sent my flying monkeys after them. You can get those on Craig’s List, they are ordered by the gross, just FYI.

Teresa says she used to work at a doctor’s office but decided to go to cosmetology school to learn how to do hair because she spent so much time doing her daughter’s hair and makeup. Hmmm. On the one hand, I do have to admire her for going back to school for a good career – people always need haircuts, especially in the south where hairspray is king. On the other hand, that was a year of her life she had to give up that income since she was working as a student. That’s quite a sacrifice. I’m going to give her a thumbs up on this one because what she did can help her long term. Good going on this one, mom. Be sure not to miss the under-eye concealer class, I’m just saying.

Back at Hope’s house, they are working on a full set up teeth via flippers! Meh! Hope interviews that “Flippers make you smile perfect.” Then she gives us a smile that in my opinion is perfect – lots of teeth just coming in. I remember those days and there is nothing wrong with her smile. Unless you are a pageant judge, then this kid looks like an ogre.

Stay away from this briiiidge!

“We got some phone calls,” Michelle says, “that there is going to be some tough competition.” Who the hell has that info and would call people about it? The people involved in the pageant? Is there a pageant hotline like they have when schools close during bad weather – you call two people and they call two people, etc.

“She’s the only one out of her group who is missing her two front teeth,” she says. Somebody has inside information! Oh my God, did Trump get ahold of the Babes of Summer Beauty Pageant in Marmaduke, Arkansas?! That bastard!

Back at the Sprinkle house, the girls are studying hard. Turns out Dana home schools the kids and dad interrupts to see if they want to practice for the pageant. Why, is it recess? Damn, dad, let them learn! David says they’ve set goals for the girls, although he doesn’t explain what those goals are. “I didn’t want them to focus on not being beautiful if they didn’t win…that is one of our goals, ultimately, to win.” What are the other goals? Little help! I’m so confused! If only I wasn’t home schooled! Oops!

Dana tells us that pageants get a bad rap but she thinks there are so many benefits. She says it’s especially important since she home schools. “A lot of people think home-schooled kids aren’t social but my girls are very social,” she says. I’m actually okay with the home schooling but find that most parents give up on it once fractions and word problems come up. Can you blame them? Who gives a shit if the train headed to Nashville goes 3 mph faster than a car that left an hour earlier. There will still be barbecue when they get there, right?

Oh crap – the girls have a pet boa constrictor. Why, why, why do people do this? They are not cuddly creatures, except when they are cuddling up to squeeze you to death before eating you. I’m not saying my dogs haven’t worked together in unison to try to squeeze me to death…I mean, they deny it, but sometimes I wonder…or maybe it’s just that the sofa is too small for all five of us?

Oh good, they decide to feed the snake, Steve. I have a Gardner snake in my yard named Mike! It’s like we’re twins! How do they feed Steve? By tossing a live rat into a plastic bin and letting the snake have at it while the girls watch. Sweet Jesus, I can’t believe they half-showed that (as the snake began to strike they cut away). Now it’s time to let Steve finish his dinner while I lose mine. Look, I get it, I just don’t want to see it. Wonder if talent competition ever involves girls doing a snake dance?

Oh, real f#cking fair, Sprinkle family.

Teresa has decided to get a coach for Sara who is having none of it by the way she’s death-gripping the door handle on the way in. Coach Shae – Christ! Does anyone pay attention to their BMI in this state? – is a pageant coach who instead of trying to help Sara instead manages to scare the bejesus out of her. She leads Sara to the stage where no matter what she (or Teresa) says, she stands as stiff as a statue. That “whole package” is wrapped pretty tightly in shrinkwrap!

“Shae seems like she’s really confident,” Teresa says. Then you should enter her into the pageant because your kid seems to have turned into a carrot. Shae recommends getting Sara’s hair and makeup professionally done for the pageant…I wonder if she does that too? Teresa makes a face like she smells a fart but it’s probably just the bad sales job Shae is doing. Plus, she expected to do Sara’s hair and makeup since she’s been working for tips at the cosmetology school. Here’s hoping she’s not a beauty school dropout.

Thanks, Mom, I’ll handle my own cotton candy – I mean, hair!

Hope is headed into Designs by Becky, a dress shop specializing in formal wear and pageant dresses. They decided to go all-out with the dress to match the flipper. Becky tells us starter dresses start at $400 and the most expensive dress she’s done was $1900 – AMATEUR! If you worked in Dallas you’d be making twice that on every dress. They try on a white one but the blue one is sparkly and shiny and I have to agree – that’s the winner. It looks great with her hair and skin tone.

Uh-oh…DRAAAAAMMMMAAAAAA. We see a notice on the episode that reads, “The night before the pageant, Teresa’s friend visits with unexpected news.” Area 51 is real? Sammy Davis Jr.’s glass eye was really a Horcrux holding the soul of Voldemort? Charlie Sheen and Emilio Estevez are the same person?

Mackenzie Davis, listed as “Former Pageant Director,” (rut-roh), stops by Teresa’s house to tell her she won’t be involved with the pageant anymore. “I knew you’d be upset,” she says to Teresa, who concurs by saying, “I’m a little concerned.” Concerned that your “in” at the pageant is no longer involved? Apparently Mackenzie’s involvement in the pageant was the main reason she wanted to put Sara in the pageant. That sounds suspicious – let’s run with that unsubstantiated rumor!

“Alison decided she was no longer in need of my services,” Mackenzie says. CATFIGHT! Oh, you just know that had to be a good bitch-slapping fight, too bad TLC wasn’t there for that! Teresa calmly states for us that Alison “doesn’t have a lot of experience” running pageants. Way to tee it up for Mackenzie who follows up with, “The only other pageant she’s done has been with me.” Bitchfest is on!

“Alison didn’t really do a whole lot at the pageant we worked on,” Mackenzie interviews. “And that was her first pageant.” Turns out not only did Alison kick out the other pageant director, they are switching out all the judges. How will you find more bubbleheads to judge on such short notice?

Pretty sure this one’s free.

Teresa says she’s very worried because Mackenzie’s pageants are always so organized, even if “Sara doesn’t always win. At least I can count on it to be a legit pageant.” Oh, way to set up Alison to make it look like she’s going to fail…which would be true if I didn’t have to spoiler alert things right here!

“There are some people pulling out of the pageant because of this,” Mackenzie says. Oh small town life, you never cease to amuse. Teresa decides to go through with the pageant because of all the time and effort they’ve put into it. Read: the entrance fee is non-refundable.

Rosy-fingered dawn breaks on Paragould, Arkansas on this pageant day as though none of this drama has changed the orbit of the pageant world, but we know better. Alison tells us the pageant is in full swing but I have to call bullshit on her cute red dress with what appears to be Birkenstock knock-off shoes. Awful, just awful. I would cancel that pageant just for that atrocity against fashion.

New pageant co-director Tammy Estes says that Alison just recently asked her to co-direct the pageant. And by recently, she means “this morning.” Alison gives us a little more scoop on the drama. She said she recently “split with a colleague” over “score tampering, money issues, judging,” and I’m going to need some proof. Is that slander or libel? I can never remember which is which. Maybe it’s vilification. Or vivisection. Either way, girl is saying Mackenzie was a bad, bad girl, without offering proof. I love this show.

Yes this is a new suit. No I don’t remember where I got the money to buy it. So many questions!

She said they changed the judges because one of them was related to a pageant contestant. So instead of asking that ONE judge to step aside, she got rid of all the judges and started from scratch. I bet the pageant world is a small one and it’s one full of total and complete nutcases. All the new judges are blonde, so I doubt the brunettes are going to get a fair shake on this one. Too bad, Hope!

Mackenzie (is she still here? Way to get your 15 minutes) says that the pageant is probably going to be pretty chaotic. She says you have to be careful in picking judges because “they have to know what you are looking for.” Uh, the TOTAL PACKAGE? It doesn’t take a Mensa member to judge a beauty pageant, just to add the scores up.

Dana shows up with the Sprinkles in rollers (that sounds like a great Dolly Madison treat!) saying she heard the outcome was pre-determined. Oh, the gossip chain is worse than a game of telephone at a slumber party! “It’s making people nervous when you hear all these rumors the day of the pageant,” she says. The key word here is rumor. This pageant is doomed next year – no one will touch it with a 10 foot pole.

Michelle says there is definite talk about the pageant, “Judges being tookin’ [sic] off or something.” Yes, judges were tookin’ off. Better than tokin’ up. Sigh. “We just don’t like drama,” she says. Oh, we’ll see about that in about 30 minutes, and bring a fire extinguisher because your pants will be aflame!

Blonde ambition.

Alison interviews that they are now up to 179 contestants which includes 28 women competing in the “Mrs. and Moms” division. I hope instead of Outfit of Choice they do “Mom Jeans of Choice.” Elastic waists always win! “It’s going to be a very hectic day for us,” Alison interviews. You have no idea.

Teresa interviews that they did decide to do the pageant and she did hire someone professional to do Sara’s makeup. So basically, she caved on all fronts! She says she had training at school but felt she was a little out of her league on this one.

Dana interviews that getting three girls ready for the pageant is difficult, but she’s learned how to conveyer belt them for optimum hair and makeup. She is covering up mosquito bites with concealer on Elizabeth’s back. Use the green concealer, it minimizes the redness!

Hope is having her hair and makeup done and he eyes are sparkly blue – honestly, I think they bedazzled her eyelids. Her flipper looks, well, as natural as fake teeth on a kid are going to. She is a really pretty little girl, too bad they mucked it up with Tom Cruise’s adult-sized smile.

Hurry up. Katie’s locked up in the mansion and I don’t want her to break anything.

And they’re off! Alison starts off the pageant with Beauty Wear for the 0 to 12 month olds. There had BETTER NOT be another newbie at this one, that was getting old! Holly Maddox is pageant judge and peroxide user, and admits that she and Alison are good friends. She also does Alison’s daughters’ hair when they are in pageants. As long as we’re keeping things above-board!

“I love lots of glitz and glamour,” she says, forgetting to add “and silicone.” She interviews that she looks for someone “that is just very beautiful.” FINALLY, someone tells the truth instead of giving us that whole “total package” bullshit we all know it is.

Alison asks for number 7, not realizing that request is about to take the whole pageant down! “Lydia? Number seven? Lydia? We don’t have a number seven?” She gets a freaky look on her face, heads towards the judges, and says, “What is going on here?” as if the judges planned the pageant. She then says that splitting with her colleague “changed the flow of the pageant.” And apparently your ability to run the pageant. “I’m going to just re-start,” Alison says. Smooth move, Ex-Lax, way to really solidify your ability as a pageant director. “I’m about to have a panic attack.” Somewhere over a Denny’s grand slam Mackenzie is smiling. I would be too, I love breakfast food.

I smell a late night cry/binge coming on.

Alison realizes they are missing A LOT of forms so they need some time to reorganize (it would have been silly to be organized PRIOR to the event) and the scandal begins to rush through every dressing room at the pageant. All the moms gasp in horror as they are told to make sure their information is correct and actually with the judges. D’oh!

Back at the podium, Alison asks a mother, “What number are you?” and the exasperated mother says, “SIX,” and Alison says she doesn’t have her number at all. Then how did you get to seven? Alison interviews they had a “little bit of an issue” as we see her telling another mother they don’t have her form either. Mackenzie must have totally done the “I told ya so” dance when she saw this.

“There is a score sheet on each person and some of the score sheets got lost,” Alison says. Thank God there wasn’t any score tampering…no wait! I wonder if Mackenzie has some inside help. They should totally do a movie on this pageant on Lifetime: Score Sheet Missing: The Alison McCormick-Pyland Story: Tragedy on the Pageant Circuit: A Mother’s Horror! I would totally watch it.

They finally start over – Lord knows how long that took, and Teresa is excited that Sara looks so pretty. She looks like a poodle just back from the groomer with that hair, and Teresa should have taken Shae’s advice and used eyelashes because that girl looks like she suffers from trichotillomania. Teresa says it worked out much better with a makeup artist because, “I never would have put that much makeup on her.” What the hell is that school beauty school teaching you?

Can you make poopies outside yet?

Sara is up and she gets onstage and keeps her mouth shut in such a way that it looks like she’s smacking her lips together like you would if you were trying to make your lipstick even on both lips. She won’t smile…no smile…she finally smiles! Then she blinks awkwardly, kisses without heart, and Alison says, “Her future ambition is to become Miss America.” Get in line behind every other pageant girl. “I rocked it out,” Sara says, and TLC continues to caption what she says. Maybe she should consider “pronouncing it out” instead of rocking it out, just a suggestion.

Michelle interviews that it’s a really hard competition today and she’s scared. Dana calms her nerves by telling Elizabeth not to do her outfit of choice hands but instead her “cupcake hands.” I would love cupcakes for hands, except they would only last me about 10 minutes after dinner and then I would be completely handless. Dang!

Beauty Wear for the 6-7 year olds is next and Hope walks onstage. She’s cute but the eye shadow is starting to give her ghost eyes – it’s like the blue is running all around her eyes and face. She also seems a little stiff but the dress is gorgeous on her. “Her future ambition is to be a doctor or a model,” Alison says. Michelle laughs and is thrilled at how well Hope did. A modeling doctor is hilarious. And the new show on Fox!

Next up? Elizabeth! She is sporting a hairstyle that looks like it’s right out of Mad Men. She really has a great presence onstage and she knows exactly how to work the judges. Her mother says Elizabeth thrives on the attention she gets from being in a pageant. That sounds like the beginning of some difficult teen years.

She’s a cigarette away from her own AMC spinoff.

Alison announces the 8 to 10 division, and she looks a little shorter behind the podium because why now? She took off the faux Birks? Makayla is up next and she has some tough competition judging by the sparkly dresses. “Makayla’s favorite thing about summer is getting a great tan,” Alison says. Dermatologists everywhere send her a business card for when she’s 18 and looks like a saddle.

“Makayla loves to be pretty and she likes people to look at her if she’s fixed up to her standards,” Dana tells us. So she’s going to be one of those women who won’t answer the phone without makeup, great. “Her future ambition is to become an orthodontist,” Alison tells us. Who ever wants to do that at that age?

Next up is the 11 to 13 year old group, and Savanna is competing in that group even though she’s 10. How the hell is she allowed to do that? Her mother doesn’t like the girls to compete against one another (take note, Jamie Sterling!), but can you just flat-out lie at on a pageant application the way you could on a military application to go fight in World War II? Dad reiterates that the Sprinkle sisters are a triple-threat. Keep saying it and maybe it will come true, except it won’t. They should have brought their guns.

Savanna is up against some big competition, and by big I mean B-cups. She does look beautiful in that hot pink long gown that has tons of tulle. It reminds of the Barbies I would see when my grandma took me to Kmart to pick out that one special doll…the fluffier the dress, the better! Alison tells us that Savanna’s hobbies include hip-hop dance, hunting and fishing. “Her ambition is to become a veterinarian so she can help animals,” Alison tells us. The animals she’s just shot and hooked? That’s kind of circular career logic, isn’t it?

Poor bastard never saw it coming.

Outfit of choice is up next and this is always a nightmare of fashion disasters. Who the hell dressed like Raggedy Ann? That’s your choice? That is how you would dress say on the weekends? Freaks. Some of these girls are wearing bathing suits. Is that really an outfit or just adding the ick factor? Especially when a lot of these girls have pot bellies and probably should icks-nay on the athingsuit bay.

One girl dresses like a pirate, one like a go-go dancer (hey, it was HER choice after all!), the scary Raggedy Ann, an unhappy housewife (?), a Moulin Rouge girl (you know what that means), swimsuit girl from an Elvis movie, and some girl who chose a naughty Catholic school girl uniform…yes, I’m sure when you decided on an outfit you chose a UNIFORM. Too bad there aren’t any men on the judging panel, you’d not only win, you’d have some extra spending money on the side, Lolita.

Sara is up in her bathing suit and she works it a little better than when she was in her beauty wear. They should have considered painting some eyebrows on her too – it just looks like eyes and forehead. Teresa admits there were some moves she wanted Sara to do, but she herself forgot to act them out. Ooops.

Next up? Hope. She gets onstage in her multi-colored bikini and her mother and friend are whooping it up until they realize they don’t have her music started and they immediately go into Klassy “I’ll Kut You!” mode by screaming and gesturing rudely, “WHERE’S THE MUSIC!?!?!?” Her nastiness has come out and you can tell Hope will have no chance on that medical degree if this is her role model.

Alison looks around blankly like she has had a brain aneurysm as Groucho Michelle says, “STEP OFF UNTIL THE MUSIC GETS ON.” Oh, she is going to totally cut Alison in the parking lot later, once she’s done waxing her arms so Alison doesn’t get a grip. Jesus, CALM THE HELL DOWN, they just need to start the music which they do 0.6 seconds later. Thank God Michelle “doesn’t like drama.”

You’re lucky I can’t run, lady!

Hope gets onstage and works her arms and head as though she’s a Skipper doll with alternating parts. She smirks a little because she’s trying to keep her flipper in, and suddenly I realize the music is sort of a cross between Stevie Ray Vaughn and stripper music. Nice choice, mom. Michelle says she stood behind the judges and helped with the routine because Hope “looked a little lost.” I’ll say.

Nikki Ray, judge and siliconed beauty, interviews, “This is a really glitz pageant. We’re looking for glitzy girls, girls that know what they’re doing…I don’t like the routines where the moms are in the background, telling them what to do.” Then she hasn’t been on ANY circuit pageant we’ve seen. That’s half the fun, watching the nutcase parents act out the routines.

Alison introduces Elizabeth, and I can’t help but notice it’s pretty clear by Alison’s shrinking that she’s sitting on a stool and she can barely hold up her microphone. You lazy bitch! Stand up! I’m starting to think Mackenzie was right – Alison didn’t do much at the last pageant if she can’t even get through emceeing without taking a lazy break!

Cher did it better.

Elizabeth gets onstage in Barbra Streisand’s 1968 Academy Awards outfit and dances all around. Gotta hand it to her, she really knows how to work the stage, make eye contact, and keep a smile on her face. She exudes a really energetic and vibrant kid – much more than the rest of the “triple threat.” She has a very Shelly Hack way about her, but with talent.

Makayla gets onstage with her bathing suit and I stand corrected! She does an awesome job – she’s energetic, makes eye contact, and really looks engaged with the judges. Go figure. “That’s my baby,” her father says. Why does that always sound creepy even when it isn’t?

“I’m not that nervous, I just breathe in and breathe out,” Makayla says, sounding an awful lot like my gyno. Guess who is also dressed like a go-go dancer/Austin Powers character? Savanna! She’s cute, but again, she doesn’t have the sparkle or energy of her sisters.

Judge Holly interviews that everything went very well today and that all the judges have done a very good job. Was she not present for the first part of the pageant? It was chaos theory come to life! “Not every child will go home with something at this pageant,” Alison says, completely oblivious to how pageants are supposed to work. Going against EVERYTHING we’ve seen and know about pageants…if someone wins Queen in her age group, she can also win Ultimate which is completely and totally wrong. If there’s one thing we’ve learned, if you win Queen, you LOSE and are out of the Ultimate Supreme Pan-Pacific Grand Prix!

After they crown the kids, they will start the mom division, which sounds like bad planning on their part. Once the kids have crowned who the hell is going to want to stick around to see mom wannabes? Plus, I get the feeling this day has been hellishly long, just a hunch.

Exhibit C

Four to six year olds up first. Instead of calling everyone onstage like every other pageant in the free world, they call up kids and list out what they’ve won…so Most Beautiful and Best Personality…not Sara. Outfit of Choice? Not Sara. Second alternate…Sara! That means she’s actually third place. Teresa is happy since this was her first glitz pageant. Third is second loser, Teresa, pay attention. You aren’t even first loser.

Five to seven year olds up next. Best Dressed? Not our girls. Best Personality? Elizabeth! Outfit of Choice? Not our girls! Princess? Elizabeth! Super-double-dog win! Queen? Not our girls. Dang. Makayla asks Elizabeth if she knew she was going to win. “Yes,” she says, “’cause I always do.” Someone’s in the market for an ass-kicking.

“If you did not place for your age group, you are still eligible for a Supreme title,” Alison says. And if you did place you are too, according to your rules. Michelle is pissed that Hope didn’t get anything and Hope stomps off. Michelle tries to tell her she could be up for a higher title.

Eight to 10 year olds. Dana hopes that Makayla wins because in their family she’s known as the first alternate girl. Well, she is the middle child, so duh. She says Makayla always asks, “What did I do wrong, how did I miss that one point,” Dana says. You are competing in a beauty pageant that may have been fixed, that’s the problem.

Best Dressed? Not Makayla. Best Personality? Not Makayla. Outfit of Choice? Not Makayla (surprising – she was actually very good at this). Princess? Not Makayla. Queen? Not Makayla. Suckfest! Dad whispers to Dana, “That may mean she’s up for a Supreme.” Yeah, hold your breath.

Eleven to thirteen. Dana says Savanna is low girl on the totem pole in this one because she’s the youngest girl in the division and my thought is SHE ISN’T IN THIS DIVISION! She’s in the wrong age group and should be disqualified out of this. That just doesn’t seem right.

Best Dressed, Most Beautiful, and Best Personality all go to the same girl in the tragic balloon dress. Honey, those look good on nobody! Most Photogenic? Not Savanna. Princess? Not Savanna. Queen? Not Savanna. Sucks to be you!

Alison announces that they have not awarded the Supremes or Ultimates, “so please stick around for those.” When you have to ask pageant people to stick around for awards, your pageant sucks, just FYI. Pageant people live for crowns and trophies and sashes.

We’ll be handing out those awards as soon as I remember where I put them.

Dana asks pageant co-director Tammy if they will be doing any kid awards while the moms are getting ready and Tammy says, “We’ll wait on y’all until your ready,” and I’m thinking what? You are holding up the awards until all the 28 moms are ready to compete? How many hours are in this pageant day?

Dana runs to the back to get ready and she’s asking for her number. No one brought her the number she needed and worse, no one has seen any of the other competing mothers. Odd. Alison says, “I know you are all interested in seeing who won the $1000,” and I’m guessing she’s stalling for some reason. Because her judges can’t add?

Mini-Supreme winner (3 to 4 year olds). Not Sara! It’s Adeline something…but wait! She’s not here! Why? One of the moms yells from the audience to tell Alison that Adeline and her family went home because she was crowned princess and didn’t think she’d be up for anything else…LIKE EVERY OTHER PAGEANT! Alison is stunned and is clearly in over her head throughout this entire day. She also might consider a 36-hour bra because the girls are headed to China via the shortcut. The mom says she could call Adeline and her mom, but “she’s already gone.”

“Our Grand Supreme winner is of the 8 to 10 year division,” Alison says, and it’s not any of our girls. “Ultimate Queen and the winner of $1000,” she says, is not any of our girls either. Bummer!

Michelle is pissed. Beyond pissed. “When she gets mad, I get mad,” Michelle says about Hope. Hope has stormed off into another room like a sore loser. Michelle says, “We’re done. We’re done.” Well, so is everyone else because the pageant is over, dumbass. Hard to storm out with any credibility when the kid portion of the event is complete and you should be leaving anyway. Michelle’s friend grabs Hope and Michelle storms out with her suitcase in tow. Hope she remembered not to leave her waxing kit behind.

Yes. Yes you are.

“Michelle was devastated when Hope didn’t supreme,” Teresa tells us. We see Michelle angrily jumping her fat ass into an SUV and Hope jumping from the back to the front seat. They tear out of there like a couple of sore losers who apparently don’t believe in seat belts. Hope is too young to be sitting in the front seat without a car seat let alone without a seatbelt. Way to protect your kid, you sore loser hilljack!

But wait! How could I forget! They still have to do the mom’s division. God knows what time it is, it was pitch black outside when Michelle and Hope stormed out. “Are they still having the mom’s division?” her husband asks. “There are ’cause I’m here,” Dana snots back. Dana, back it down sister!

Anger gives you lines and sideways mouth.

Dana interviews she has no idea where all the moms who were competing in the pageant went. All but Dana – that’s 27 women – dropped out of the mom division. When Dana questions Alison about it, she says, “I don’t know, I think they got scared.” Or bored or it’s like midnight and they’ve been there all damn day dealing with your chaos and they just figured f#ck this noise and left. Sound familiar, Alison?

Alison pushes Dana onstage and it’s really embarrassing. People are packing up their dresses, walking out the door, and the staff is folding up tables. Klassy! Dana gets onstage and walks around in a dress that she really should have re-thought, it accentuates her hips and stomach and that’s not what girlfriend needs. Then they crown her and there are about 10 people standing around.

“The winner of this category will win a 2-night, 3-day stay at the hotel of her choice,” Alison says, forgetting to add, “as long as it’s a Motel 6 within a 10 mile radius of her home, on a third weekend of a month that begins with X.” Dana walks onstage to win her crown which is a sunshine. Better for little kids, not moms.

Dana interviews the weekend stay at a hotel, but she didn’t see that in her gift basket. She hopes it really is part of the gift but a note on the episode reads, “Three months after the pageant, Dana still has not received her prize.” Somewhere in Arkansas, Mackenzie is having the last laugh and Alison is looking for her next job in which she’ll fail miserably.

The triple threat will see y’all at the next pageant, bitches!