If you’re like me, you had a big bowl of buttery popcorn ready to go for the season premiere of Toddlers & Tiaras. Once again, kids scream, noses are picked and moms are the real characters to watch. This episode covers the California Tropic pageant in…wait for it…Arizona.
Guess it’s protocol. My bad.
All of the girls we’ve followed before but now are more “mature.” As if. Kayla, 4, and her mom April are once again working the trampy Shirley Temple routine. Kayla is a little bizzitch, yelling at her mother, coach and threatening to kick some girl’s butt at the pageant. Mom April says she’s not at the pageant to make friends. Don’t worry, you won’t.
Next up is Kayla’s nemesis and potential butt-kicking recipient, Kailia, 5, and her mom Marcy. The last time we saw Kayla and Kailia, Kailia was the one butt-kicking. Marcy talks smack but portrays herself as having better sportsmanship than the other K girl. I’m not sure she’s sincere off-camera.
Finally, we have 10 year old Danielle and mom Tedi. Their tragedy is relying on Miss Muffet Designs for their dress which doesn’t show up in the allotted time and instead has to be couriered 800 miles by dear old dad. When it shows up, the dress is longer in the front than in the back and it is noticeable. So great commercial for your shoddy work and poor timing, Miss Muffet. But don’t worry, the Priscilla Presley hair Danielle is sporting is more distracting in my opinion.
No spoilers here except to say that Outfit of Choice turns into Whores R Us, the emcee is screaming as though he’s calling high school football and forgets he’s wearing a MICROPHONE, and kids pick their noses like it’s the trend that’s replaced Facebook. And 100 people recommend picking!
And to top things off, ALL of the girls get a “Queen” title instead of runner up titles so, as the pageant director says, “They have bragging rights” at the queen level. Because participation awards are something you really, really earn. Full recap coming soon.
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