We’re back up north in New Jersey for the Hollywood Stars Pageant on this episode of Toddlers & Tiaras. The pageant director is taking things waaaaay too seriously as she explains things very slowly and clearly to us, like we aren’t all pageant pros just from watching this show.
WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!
First up is a girl we saw in the Madonna cone costume two years ago, Mia, who is sporting a new Madonna outfit. Because mommy came of age in the late 80s when Madonna was still relevant and not acting a fool, and she can’t let it go. Mia is not your typical pageant girl in that she looks like she’s been rubbing borax in her eyes all the live long day. Seriously, get her to an allergist. Mia hates beauty and hates practicing for it, and during her beauty routine she majorly botches her score by constantly pushing her flippin’ flipper into her mouth like an old lady with a bad set of dentures. During the Hollywood/Celebrity Wear, she forgets to rip off her jacket to show the highly inappropriate bustier with garters…to which one of the judges actually says he “doesn’t know what direction they were going in with that costume.” What the hell does that mean?
Second is the audacious and over-amped Casey who says she “brings mad flava to every pageant.” Rut-roh. Casey is new to pageants and damn does that kid have a lot of energy. She embraces the diva title and is actually pretty cute – not bratty or disrespectful and I get the feeling her mother would put a screeching halt to that immediately. Casey is a little too bouncy and energetic during her beauty but kicks ass as Beyonce and does a very good routine. Despite her mother getting very nervous, Casey is cool as a cucumber during the whole event.
Finally is Kelsey, another pretty good kid with lots of personality. Her mom is pretty hilarious and laughs a lot, so it’s nice to have someone who knows just how seriously to take this. However, Kelsey does seem to have this narcoleptic tendency that hits her hard during the makeup/hair prep phase of pageant. And when I say hits her hard, I mean she is like a rag doll they keep trying to hold up. When she does wake up, kid has a grumpy, growling face that would rival mine on Monday mornings. Luckily, she accumulates her fecal matter onstage and does a great job both in beauty and in a Hollywood/Celebrity routine that almost gives her mother a stroke.
The emcee is clearly a wiseguy but what else are you going to find in New Jersey? He does a great job but does scare the crap out of me when he leaves his emcee box and walks INTO THE AUDIENCE at the end to announce the ultimate grand supreme winner. Get back in your box, wiseguy!
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