Toddlers & Tiaras takes a quirky turn this week with some odd parents and grandparents and a true denial of how good these kids really are. Luckily, Die-rector Annette is running the show and guiding us through the pageant where per usual, she is coin operated and excited about the “Mooo-naaaaay!” This pageant is a tribute to Motown and everything that entails, meaning white kids dressing like black singers from the 60s.
First we meet our brother and sister combo (siblings are always a bad idea), Mackenzie and Christian. Having grown up with a little brother like Christian, I’m feeling Mackenzie’s pain and jealousy over her clearly favored sibling. I’m also feeling the orthodontia she’s facing with those huge front teeth…at least hers don’t have a huge gap between them like mine did. And boy, does Christian like to rub in how much he’s liked. Poor Mac! Mom is SURE her kids can supreme without the practice they so sorely need.
Next is Jayla whose mother is the diva of the family, a woman who thinks coaching includes just telling her kid what she’s doing wrong without actually telling her what she’s supposed to do. This is Jayla’s first time in the 6+ age group, and she can’t just turn around and blow kisses at the judge anymore. Why, I’m not sure. She has no interest in doing a male singer routine for her Motown talent because “I’m not a boy!” Not sure with all the fabulous Motown women you could choose from, why you’d put your little girl in a man’s suit during a beauty pageant, but at least Jayla had some good moves. Until the end when she just sort of pooped out onstage.
And finally is Chloe who let me just go ahead and say it, looks like a chimp. It’s the Neanderthal sloping head, the thrust-forward jaw and the evenly spaced APART teeth. When she smiles, I’m pretty sure she’s getting ready to attack me for the banana I’m holding. What is really odd is her grandmother is the one pushing for the pageants and mom is along for the ride because hubby can’t cut the apron strings. I assume mom is on her way to being a big fan of chardonnay in the afternoons. And the chimp-like attributes? Directly from the dad who is not only clueless about pretty much everything, but likes to prove that on national television over and over again.
Spray tans with an industrial paint sprayer, pitting kids against one another (albeit not in a Jamie Sterling way), and a diva mom in denial is what makes this show so fab. Not so fab is the hot mess of talent Mac and Christian bring to the stage, and although beauty goes well for Chloe, but she stereotypically strokes out during talent like most three year olds who haven’t paid attention during coaching. The judges this time around were much more positive than the negativos we’ve seen recently, although I’m pretty sure one of them was dipping into the sauce.