MiniCap: Toddlers & Tiaras

Toddlers and Tiaras

By DearCrabby | Thursday, August 25, 2011 | 11:30 am | 38 Comments

Well, Flipit and I be damned, guess Edenpalooza wasn’t the season finale after all!  My DVR didn’t show any shows scheduled so I thought it was, but luckily a new one showed up last night and it does not disappoint.  Also, spoiler alerts ahead, so, you know, be alerted to the spoilers.

Prettiest faceNo, no, that’s your PRETTIEST FACE.

Last night was Gold Coast Las Vegas, and we meet Desiree who has a name that leads her to only one job and it ain’t CEO.  At 10 years of age, she’s pretty cute but not as seasoned as you might imagine – she’s only been doing this 2 years and it shows.  She says she wants to be either Miss America or a showgirl.  Well, it’s going to be showgirl and probably a second-rate one, because she just isn’t as polished as the other girls.  Also, her flipper is cracked so it falls out during one of her performances (in her mouth only, thatswhatshesaid), and a first for T&T, she puts in green contacts because they go better with her red hair than her ugly muddy brown eyes.  How much do I hate this?  A LOT.  You aren’t winning on beauty, you’re winning on falsies all over the place.  Well, actually, you weren’t winning anywhere, were you?  And no prizes are given out for mom’s overuse of her glue gun.  The best line of the night is uttered by Desiree, who says, “Who’s Martha Stewart?”  Who indeed.

Next up is the brat of the episode, Kayla.  What a monster!  She whines and cries and hits and screams and yells and then starts all over again.  Her mother thinks it’s cute.  I’m sure her future employer will too.  She is really a brat and always gets her way, and even manages to throw a temper tantrum (and some money) when she win super duper grand supreme.  And she throws it at that nice emcee whose name I cannot remember…she looks like a Charlie’s Angel.  However, she is more polished than the other girls and for three years old, does have a pretty good routine.  I just hate that someone who acts so badly wins so much.  And then cries about it!  There’s America 2011 for ya.

Finally, Kailia (another non-CEO), is a cute kid and doesn’t do too badly.  Her mother leans on their coach too much and this new coach – Coach Cambrie – suffers no fools.  Having been in pageants herself, she drills Kailia and Desiree over and over and over again and does it without a smile or any kind of coddling – so good and bad.  Kailia’s mom thinks Kailia is destined for show biz since her parents were show people – mom being a magician’s assistant (woo!) and dad working “on productions” for the last four years.  Doing what, running for coffee?  (or did she say 40?  Because if so, I’m sensing a May-December thing, but we never see him – I didn’t use the closed-captioning but will double check when writing the recap).  Also, mom needs to tone down the screaming and up the first-impression…she’s kind of a hot mess on pageant day.

The other first?  You can double-crown.  Oh, you heard me.  It’s like ordering one grand supreme with pepperoni and getting the one with sausage for free.  Excellent!





A Food Network host wannabe and travel fanatic (only three more continents to go!) , Dear Crabby lived in Chicago for over 10 years before returning to her native Ohio. She loves black martinis, blue cheese burgers, and The Daily Show. A two-time Chicago marathon finisher, she heartily dislikes Smokey Smokersons, slow drivers in the passing lane, and noisy children, especially when they ruin a fine dining experience or a trip to Target. A nouveau spinster, Dear Crabby spends her free time with her Cocker Spaniels and often goes by the pseudonym “Mrs. Clooney.”

38 Comments

  1. 1
    Moli Moli
    Posted August 25, 2011 at 11:39 am

    As much as Kayla annoyed me and how I did not find her to be all that cute…she did very very well for a 3 year old. BTW, I have chubby cheeks and no one tell me how cute they are…have the nerve to have dimples to boot! I liked Kailia, her stage face had me cracking up. WTF, contacts for a 10 year old really! The child even asked is everything suppose to be blurry. I didn’t know(or notice) big kids wore(wearing) flippers, thought they were reserved to take the cuteness for 5-6 olds losing their teeth. What was that strange noise coming out of Kayla during crowning?

  2. 2
    Chely
    Posted August 25, 2011 at 12:13 pm

    I saw the TLC commercial for this episode and I think it said “by popular demand T & T will be back for 4 new episodes.” And my first thought was ‘oooh I hope DearCrabby knows’. lol. I am obviously way too addicted to recaps.

  3. 3
    S-Natch Didi32
    Posted August 25, 2011 at 1:28 pm

    I was confused how Kailia won the Ultimate Grand Supreme title when she was only the first runner up in her division….hmmmmm. Also, Kayla looks (and acts) like a bulldog.

  4. 4
    Moli Moli
    Posted August 25, 2011 at 1:45 pm

    BWahahahaha@ bulldog…I said Rottweiler!

  5. 5
    Meemo
    Posted August 25, 2011 at 2:25 pm

    That little brat looks like Winston Churchill. Just needs a well chewed cigar hanging from her pouty kisser.

  6. 6
    Alison Zimmerman
    Posted August 25, 2011 at 2:58 pm

    One would think that if your flipper was sent to you broken, you would send that shit back! I didn’t think that her teeth were all that bad.

    Kailia’s coach was a twat! “do it agian, and again, and again, and again. Ok now do it again!” poor little girls feet hurt give her a minute she if 4! ya dumb bitch!! Sure there were some bratty moments, but it wasn’t as bad as some of the previous episodes.

    I am looking forward to next week with the little girl that gets “boobies” and then other little girl askes her “what are those?” SMH at these moms!

  7. 7
    joye
    Posted August 25, 2011 at 3:56 pm

    I would SO love to talk with these kids’ now-and-future teachers about how they function in a school classroom. I pray that none of them are homeschooled, for obvious reasons. (I am a teacher & one of my little girls is a former contest girl. She is always sweet with her classmates and teachers, but I cringe when I hear her talk to her mother!)

  8. 8
    Chicken Lips
    Posted August 25, 2011 at 6:26 pm

    Yay for more T&T!

    Did anybody else think that Kayla looked like she’s the daughter of Kyle from Teen Mom. She’s cute because she’s a little kid…but if she doesn’t grow into that face, she won’t be that cute when she hits middle school.

    I would have called up Flipper Palace and bitched up one side and down the other about the cracked flipper. Maybe it was on clearance so there’s an :as is” policy because those two were just “Oh well, it’s cracked. Who wants some juice?”

    And hopefully the pageant moms will be around because I want someone to explain how the eventual outcome was possible.

  9. 9
    fatgirlsrule
    Posted August 25, 2011 at 8:07 pm

    what was the deal with calling Desiree “SuperFreak”?? I found that a tad bit disturbing

  10. 10
    Ohiomom
    Posted August 25, 2011 at 9:25 pm

    yes, that super freak comment was so wrong. The coach was looking at her like she was insane. Why do pageant moms think is cute to put their child in hotpants with glittery pockets? Then they are so proud to see the child shake her money maker?

    I was doing laundry and caught myself humming Cutie Patootie. Curse you Toddlers and Tiaras….despicable me.

  11. 11
    Elaina
    Posted August 25, 2011 at 9:26 pm

    This, I think, the first episode where I truly loathed each featured family.

    Did anyone else remember that “Miss Cambrie” was the awful, sadistic stylist in the Kaylee (contortionist)/Miss Royal Essence episode? (Okay, I want to shoot myself that I know this shit) She (Miss Cambrie) definitely needs to invest in a pair (or two!) of Spanx, as do Kayla’s and Desiree’s mothers)

    Kailia’s mom has some serious crazy eyes going on. Lots of great screen grabs, I’m sure.

    Was it just me, or were these girls a little MORE trampy acting than our normal fare? I mean, even the little dog face was thrusting her pelvis in that cowboy cheerleader (?!) outfit. Also, on two occasions, that child looked like she had cleavage.

    I don’t see anything promising in any of these gal’s futures. Unless dancing for dollars & drunk men is considered promising.

  12. 12
    pagmama
    Posted August 25, 2011 at 9:30 pm

    You don’t just send the flipper back. First you get the impression of the teeth. Then you send the impression back to the flipper palace. 2-3 weeks later your flipper comes in the mail. If the teeth are in a constant state of movement, you want to get the flipper done as close to the pageant as possible. If you are getting the pageant 2-3 days before the pageant, chances are you can’t get a replacement in time.

    Does anyone remember Cambrie from the Miss Royal Essence episode?

  13. 13
    Elaina
    Posted August 25, 2011 at 9:34 pm

    Also:
    Kailia’s goal in life: to go to the American Girls Store (way to go, goals! USA! USA! USA!)

    Kayla’s goal in life: “to fulfill her dreams” Still trying to wrap my head around this conundrum.

    Aaand one last thing: Desiree = Timmy from that dreadful 90s soap opera “Passions”

  14. 14
    Chippersep
    Posted August 25, 2011 at 9:47 pm

    I’m also confused about how Kailia won 1st runner-up in age division and then overall ultimate grand supreme… Wouldn’t this mean she has highest total score in the pageant and that no one could score higher than her? Yet the queen in her age division had a higher score than her… Do I just not get the obviously ignorant “pageant math” that is happening here?
    Kayla was a brat and did look like the “beautiful” child of Kyle (from 16 and pregnant) and a bulldog. Her routines were good and outfits were good, but still lacking some details. I actually thought her hair looked beautiful, so maybe that whole combination is a winner!
    Desiree might already be working as a cocktail waitress at some sketchy place like Palace Station or Arizona Charlie’s. She’s working her way up to being a showgirl at some off-strip seedy strip club. I thought she looked pretty and deserved at least queen in her division.

  15. 15
    NotWithoutMyTV
    Posted August 26, 2011 at 4:56 am

    You’ve got an award called the “Overall Ultimate Grand Supreme”. But you give out two of them.

    Either I’m on drugs or they are. And I’m not on drugs.

  16. 16
    Alison Zimmerman
    Posted August 26, 2011 at 8:10 am

    Flippers are expensive. I should know, I have one! I have had it for 7 years now. It was about 500 dollars at the time. I know that if I have to add to it, it is about 100 dollars a “tooth”. But Desiree’s flipper looked all kinds of weird! It didn’t look like mine, or any of the other ones that we have seen in past episodes. I can’t wait for the full recap! Hope everyone has a great weekend, and if you are an eastcoaster, that you stay safe, and dry!

  17. 17
    merry
    Posted August 26, 2011 at 8:28 am

    I started wearing contacts at age 11, but that’s because I was half-blind, not because I wanted a different eye color. Great message these pageants send: you’re award-winningly beautiful…when you look nothing like yourself. Looking forward to the recap!

  18. 18
    Moli Moli
    Posted August 26, 2011 at 8:34 am

    Man I had to prove I could take care of contacts before I got my first pair at 15, and I was legally blind(thank you Lasik). My parents weren’t spending hundreds of dollars for me to lose or damage them. I guess they would be alot cheaper now and days, I got mine in 1990.

  19. 19
    Dancingmom
    Posted August 26, 2011 at 9:47 am

    Age division score is based on beauty score alone. Ultimate grand nacho supreme is based on all categories like modeling and photos. so they suck you in saying beauty is only $100 to enter but then after you add on 10 different photo contests and 4-5 modeling categories you are out $1000 in entry fees. Not counting what you pay the photog to take the 10 different photos and what you pay for the different outfits. Oh and sadistic coach Cambrie doesnt work for free either. Hair and makeup and coaching and routines will run you another couple hundred bucks.

    There were some quality competitors there… But there were some kids in stage who looked like they had no business being at nationals

  20. 20
    pgmom2
    Posted August 26, 2011 at 11:48 am

    All pageants do different.. I know at some big nationals if you get 2nd or 3rd runner up in beauty then you have pulled a higher title.. they do that because you have placed and dont want it to be obvious on who gets what. Its not Dumb pageant math!!! They do that on purpose.. And no her flipper did not look right.. I dont know who did it but it looked awful !!

  21. 21
    Ohiomom
    Posted August 26, 2011 at 1:38 pm

    I think it is a little more traumatic to have someone die on the operating table than not win a pageant.

  22. 22
    Ohiomom
    Posted August 26, 2011 at 1:42 pm

    I was watching Sprout TV with my kids and the little girl who dd the routine with a snake last year was on Sprout doing a craft. i don’t see Ni Ni being on Sprout.

  23. 23
    happymom
    Posted August 27, 2011 at 6:26 am

    Hey, Didi32….my bulldog is MUCH cuter than Kayla! =)

  24. 24
    happymom
    Posted August 27, 2011 at 6:32 am

    I also think the earlier poster was right; there wouldn’t have been time to get the flipper replaced. It looked like a set of horse teeth, anyway – they should be getting their money back. A poster on another forum mentioned that Miss Cambrie (what a bitch) was on that earlier episode doing someone’s hair, and when the mom complained and wanted it done again she practically ripped out the kid’s hair because she was in a snit.

  25. 25
    giffordsaz
    Posted August 27, 2011 at 8:32 am

    Cambrie- Here is a little Hooray from the Astudia’s DW facebook page..
    Astudia Dance World
    Watch Astudia Dance World on Toddlers and Tiaras tonight!!!! Some of the BEST in the industry rehearse here under the direction of Miss Cambrie.
    Wednesday at 3:18pm
    http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/pages/Astudia-Dance-World/173753755970393
    wonder what her day job is?

  26. 26
    Alison Zimmerman
    Posted August 27, 2011 at 10:11 am

    @happymom-Was that the episode with Alaska and Her brother?? When Alaska told her mom that she was a “crazy pageant mom?”

  27. 27
    Wilma Fengherdu
    Posted August 27, 2011 at 10:24 am

    Thank you, Dancing Mom, for breaking down the pageant finance system – I often wondered how some of the High Title winners got the High Titles when they just plain sucked. And it answers the nagging question, “Are they called High Titles cause the judges were high?”

  28. 28
    Alice
    Posted August 27, 2011 at 1:01 pm

    I think Kayla looks like the love child of Winston Churchill and that actress who played Billy Crystal’s mother on Throw Mama From the Train. http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001649/

  29. 29
    Emmi
    Posted August 27, 2011 at 1:34 pm

    Why is it that when Kayla won her age group she got a tiny crown, and the girl who won Kailia’s got a HUGE crown and trophy? Doesn’t make sense. Also, I heard that Desiree did pull a high title, but they didn’t show it. Apparently she left with 9 trophies and 2 photogenics. I wasn’t there, so I can’t confirm it, but a pageant mom said it in another recap (not half as good as yours are, though!)

  30. 30
    Emmi
    Posted August 27, 2011 at 1:37 pm

    PS, please post the full recap soon! Damn Irene’s gonna take out my power lines by tonight.

  31. 31
    dearcrabby
    Posted August 27, 2011 at 2:50 pm

    I’m working on it but it will probably be in the morning – but maybe by the time the electricity comes back on, they’ll be two recaps (hope not – stay safe!)

  32. 32
    Anna Berg
    Posted August 27, 2011 at 4:25 pm

    At the end I don’t think Kayla was crying to be a brat or something I think she was just tiered come on she is only three also I don’t think it is appropriate to say young children are ugly or not very cute

  33. 33
    happymom
    Posted August 27, 2011 at 6:29 pm

    I missed the episode with Alaska so I don’t know if Miss Cambrie was on that one or not, but she was definitely on an earlier episode (last season, I think) where she was really rough on the kid whose hair she was doing.

    Wilma – your comment about the judges being high is absolutely classic!

  34. 34
    Dancingmom
    Posted August 27, 2011 at 11:00 pm

    I thought the girl who won Kalias group also pulled a higher title. They may have cut a scene from a different crowning with the bigger crown. as for the pageant finance system I happen to have the paperwork for the next major gold coast pageant in front of me and I was doing the math during that episode.

    Not impressed with miss cambries hair makeup or coaching. We will never use her. The scene with the contacts was so gross. Those nasty fingers sticking the contacts j to someone’s eye…. Yuck

  35. 35
    Sue Sylvester
    Posted August 28, 2011 at 9:18 am

    I’m still confused about the scoring system. You get 2nd or 3rd in your age division because they don’t want anyone to know who got supreme? But the you weren’t really 2nd or 3rd, you were first. And the person who got first was really 2nd or 3rd. How is that not stupid math? Actually it’s not math, it’s just random placement.

  36. 36
    Dancingmom
    Posted August 28, 2011 at 9:02 pm

    For sue. Beauty is the main event. The first crowning was based on the beauty score only. The grand supreme score included beauty, modeling and pictures. So you can have the highest score in beauty and win beauty for your age division but that’s just one score out of many.

  37. 37
    Shannon
    Posted August 29, 2011 at 7:44 am

    I was confused about Kailia winning Ultimate as well but I guess it’s different scores that go into the age division than go into the supreme titles (ie. age division is based on beauty, wow wear and swimsuit and supremes are based on beauty and glitz photo or something…). I wish they would have explained that. I did think she deserved ultimate though, she was very polished.

  38. 38
    pageantmom
    Posted August 29, 2011 at 3:47 pm

    At gold coast they double crown so you can win the beauty title (which has no bearing on the ultimate title) and still win the ultimate. Beauty scores are not included in the Ultimate qualifications and that is why Kailia was a runner up in beauty. She literally has lower scores in beauty than the lil girl who won BUT when they added up all the optionals (no beauty involved) Kailia had the highest. That make sense? lol

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