MiniCap: Toddlers & Tiaras

Toddlers and Tiaras

By DearCrabby | Thursday, September 1, 2011 | 12:08 pm | 26 Comments

This episode of Toddlers & Tiaras brings us the  Hearts & Crowns pageant, or Bratapalooza, in a big way.  And the best part of any show is when the mom swears the child wants to be in the pageant and win the crown and it’s pretty clear the kid cannot even grab her own ass let alone understand the Supreme Pan Pizza Ultimate Crown.

FatapaloozaOr was it Fatapalooza?

And speaking of, mom Laura tells us her daughter Madison is a supreme queen.  Madison has a bit of a speech problem that mom says they are getting help with, but I’m wondering who is helping with her awful personality?  My guess is mom lets this one get away with things because she has the speech problem, the challenge is that her kid is a brat, loves to hit and scream and scream and OH MY GOD MY EARS ARE BLEEDING!  Also, this kid ain’t cute, but does clean up nice.  Sadly , she does not like to do any practicing of anything except being in a headlock by her brother (or subsequently kicking him in the face – great parenting!), so she does do the freeze pop thing onstage.  Enjoy your consolation prize, brat!

In the middle of our pack is Maddy who is cute but kind of a brat and really thinks a lot of herself.  Mom used to do pageants and makes sure we all understand she has more crowns and sashes than Maddy, but does tell us the $85,000 she won paid for college.  I’m sure you saved it all up just for that 18 months at Upstairs Hollywood College.  Maddy is okay but she’s no Eden Wood.  But she does think she’s Dolly Parton and has the padded bra and butt to match.  I wasn’t as offended by this as I originally thought I would be (or was when I saw it a few episodes ago), but probably because it was more of a costume (and one handed down from mom’s pageant days!) and less of a statement about her butt and boobs.  I planned on being incensed yet I was not.  That took a lot of energy.

And finally we come to Queen, a 10 year old that I kind of have a love-hate relationship with…I like her confidence and damn! For someone who has only been in the pageant world a year, kid has her shiz together like we haven’t seen in a long time/ever.  Her routines are spot-on, she’s got a ton of energy, lots of drive and major confidence.  Which is where I start to part from her.  That confidence is a little arrogant and she is WAY full of herself.  I don’t care that she looks like Tia & Tamara and that she clearly is going to be as successful as Tyra, kid thinks waaaay too highly of herself for 10.  Also, she’s a pre-teen snot to her mother.  However having been one myself, I’m willing to let this character flaw go.

I won’t give away too many secrets except to say that bad behavior and arrogance does pay off somewhat.  Even beating on one’s mother.  Excellent. To check out last week’s full recap while you wait for the new one, click here.

A Food Network host wannabe and travel fanatic (only three more continents to go!) , Dear Crabby lived in Chicago for over 10 years before returning to her native Ohio. She loves black martinis, blue cheese burgers, and The Daily Show. A two-time Chicago marathon finisher, she heartily dislikes Smokey Smokersons, slow drivers in the passing lane, and noisy children, especially when they ruin a fine dining experience or a trip to Target. A nouveau spinster, Dear Crabby spends her free time with her Cocker Spaniels and often goes by the pseudonym “Mrs. Clooney.”

26 Comments

  1. 1
    Fan-Ann
    Posted September 1, 2011 at 1:47 pm

    Queen was the first girl I have ever seen on T&T who I could easily see getting a modeling contract or a call from Hollywood. Her Mom just needs to keep her grounded so that her confidence doesn’t make her a mean girl.

    My favorites on this episode were Eva, who poked Maddy in her fake boob and wanted to know what it was; and the fabulous Mr. Michael, who gave both his expertise and his unvarnished opinion.

  2. 2
    Pyper
    Posted September 1, 2011 at 2:07 pm

    I agree about Queen, and it was nice for once to hear that she decided to do it rather then be pushed into it by the mom.
    I spent half the episode looking for Laura’s neck.. all I saw was chin and shoulders.

  3. 3
    Artemis
    Posted September 1, 2011 at 3:22 pm

    Maddy was cute and seemed pretty decent. The fact that she headbutted her mom and makeup guy made me lol, not gonna lie ;) . As for Madison, that screeching made my ears bleed too, I feel your pain, Crabby :( . And what was with her outfit of choice? “Eskimo Girl”? Seriously??

  4. 4
    JHall
    Posted September 1, 2011 at 5:26 pm

    I LOVED Queen. She is the best, prettiest child I’ve seen on this show to date! Rock on Girl!!

  5. 5
    joye
    Posted September 1, 2011 at 5:50 pm

    I kid you not…I was watching this lying on the bed with the cat asleep at my feet. When Madison started her first killer scream, the cat jumped straight up in the air and shot out of the room. If I had better self-preservation instincts, I would have followed her!

  6. 6
    Monae Linder
    Posted September 1, 2011 at 6:07 pm

    Wow, Queen was great all around! What amazed me was how she handled the eyebrow waxing(still dont agree with it on a child), I still flinch and mine are done regularly. That girl is going to be someone, she rocked the stage like she had been in pagneants since she was an infant. The added bonus shs asked her mother who didn’t know anything about pagaents, totally her decision and idea. Madison.did clean up quite nicely….the screeching was horrid and one of my cats went flying as well. OMG, I was soooo ready to talk crap about the fake boobs(only saw previews) and well I thought she looked adorable.

  7. 7
    Monae Linder
    Posted September 1, 2011 at 6:11 pm

    PS when TLC had Laura’s name up her chin totally disappeared! I have fat rules(I a fluffy chick) you lose your chin or your stomach is touching your legs, you need to hit a gym and call Jenny Craig

  8. 8
    Alice
    Posted September 1, 2011 at 7:43 pm

    I think Laura probably didn’t come with a chin. She also has obviously graduated with honors from the School of Limp-Wristed Parenting, which should come with a free weekly visit from me just so I can drop kick that kid every time she screams, hits, kicks, etc. WTF, mom? you’re raising someone nobody wants to be around! Ever!

    And another thing, your kid hates pageants!

  9. 9
    Monae Linder
    Posted September 1, 2011 at 8:12 pm

    Love your comment Alice@I stand by these new kids(born after ummm maybe early 80) are so terrible because they never met Mr. Hand, Mrs. Slipper and GrandPop Belt. Shoot back in day parents would spank their kids in front of the entire.class…..with the teacher loving every minute of it(never happened to me I was too scared to have to.deal with the WRATH). Now.and days kids do what they want and parents busy trying to make/get their children to like them. That is my piece on why these children as well as many children

  10. 10
    pageantmom
    Posted September 1, 2011 at 11:17 pm

    Did you see Michael Booth? He is one of the two dads of Hannah Douglas. Not the Disney sitcom two dads type either. Hannah Douglas who won $10,000 cash on stage (not a bond) at Universal Royalty earlier this season. And Michael Booth is the director of International Fresh Faces where the mom wants the little girl to go tell strangers about Christ. I swear the whole pageant world is inbred.

  11. 11
    featherhead
    Posted September 2, 2011 at 5:20 am

    The picture of the girl in red = Eden Wood circa 2020….

  12. 12
    fineprint
    Posted September 2, 2011 at 6:14 am

    @ featherhead’s comment: I die.

  13. 13
    dearcrabby
    Posted September 2, 2011 at 12:11 pm

    Wooden spoon spanking? Anyone? Hairbrush? Man, those were the days.

  14. 14
    featherhead
    Posted September 2, 2011 at 12:58 pm

    I used to get the wooden spoon! Once I made my mom so mad she threw her wooden Dr. Scholls at me (missed on purpose). Usually I just get the “look” and I would stop dead in my tracks. I agree with the poster that said “These kids don’t need a spray tan, they need a backhand”!!

  15. 15
    marijai
    Posted September 2, 2011 at 1:46 pm

    I got the wooden spoon, flyswatter, house shoe, switch (picking my own was the WORST!), a spatula, and her hand against my behind, many, many times. Maybe that is why even though I grew up an only-child, I was never selfish nor a brat. I never talked back, threw tantrums, played with toys in church (better sit there and not make a peep!), or ever even THOUGHT about disrespecting ANY adult.

    @Featherhead…I’m 41 and my mom can still give me the “look”, and I know I need to stop whatever I am doing or else.

  16. 16
    Monae Linder
    Posted September 2, 2011 at 2:40 pm

    Marijai you too!!! My exmilitary current inner city police officer brothr

  17. 17
    Monae Linder
    Posted September 2, 2011 at 2:45 pm

    Marijai you too!!! My exmilitary current inner city police officer brother still responds to the look! Yep, I remember the Grandmom spoon

  18. 18
    sheesh
    Posted September 2, 2011 at 2:58 pm

    My Grandma (love you Grandma!) would throw a pillow on the floor and my brother would hit it for a nap before it hit the ground.

    I feel kinda bad but my now 21 year old daughter acted up in church and I whooped her ass all the way home (1/2 block people!)and whooped her behind into the house.

    Did anyone have a parent that would let you know you were in for an asswhooping through their teeth. Their lips didn’t move but they got down real close to your face and said, “Keep this up and we WIll leave right now and you will NOT like it.”

  19. 19
    Fan-Ann
    Posted September 2, 2011 at 3:13 pm

    My grandfather would threaten to snatch us baldheaded, or send us back to the stone age, and once roared his favorite curse “Christ in a sidecar” put me and my brother out of the car and made us walk because we were fussing in the back seat. We didn’t find out for years that he had circled the block and followed us home. I can promise that we were angels after that. I adored that old man.

  20. 20
    bre
    Posted September 2, 2011 at 7:49 pm

    Madison’s mom has a good head on her shoulders…RIGHT on her shoulders…WHERE THE HELL IS HER NECK?????????

  21. 21
    Artemis
    Posted September 2, 2011 at 9:09 pm

    I think Maddy was also in the Cars and Stars pageant (the one with the bitch mother Lori and her daughter Alaska) and she wore her Dolly Parton outfit there too.

  22. 22
    marijai
    Posted September 3, 2011 at 12:38 pm

    @sheesh…I acted up in church once. I was about 3, but I remember it. I wouldn’t quit singing the song we learned in Sunday School during prayer. As soon as the man said amen, my mom took me OUTSIDE the church, pulled up the ruffles on the dress and pulled down the ruffles on the bottoms, and fired my butt up. I went back in, didn’t make a peep (not even a sniffle), and never acted up again. That is a southern mama for you.

  23. 23
    marijai
    Posted September 3, 2011 at 12:47 pm

    And when I got the whisper, no lips moving “do you want to go to the batheroom” question, I KNEW she wasn’t asking if I needed to go potty. LOL

  24. 24
    Chicken Lips
    Posted September 4, 2011 at 4:38 pm

    I remember once I got the whoopin’ of a lifetime – I was crying so hard I couldn’t breathe and I wasn’t making any sound. I can’t remember what I did to deserve it (and I’m sure I did deserve it), but I can tell you I never did it again. I got the smack for my mouth occasionally (usually with the hand – if Mom was cooking it was with the cooking utensil because she was QUICK with the smack!). I did get the whisper and that would set me straight. My brother never learned – he ended up in the bathroom and the car with Dad a lot. I still get the look and I still get the smack occasionally and I’m now a 33 year old adult. You don’t forget your manners when you were taught them properly.

  25. 25
    happymom
    Posted September 4, 2011 at 6:46 pm

    I agree with you all. I’m 39 and still have a certain amount of fear when it comes to my parents! I’ve spent my whole adult life teaching kids ages 15 – 21, and I can tell you that things are getting worse each year. People tell me I’m too strict with my child but I tell them I spend every day seeing what happens when kids are coddled and parents try to hard to be friends!

  26. 26
    happymom
    Posted September 4, 2011 at 6:47 pm

    Oops…typed too fast! That last sentence should have read “parents try TOO hard”. Sorry….I’m a bit of a stickler when it comes to spelling, as well as parenting!

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