A classy hooker is still a hooker you know.
I say cluster, you say…it’s a Toddlers & Tiaras episode, you know what you normally say. But this one is unbelievably good when it comes to whiney, cranky and let’s face it, fugly kids. I’m sorry, but we know Eden Wood, and these kids are no Eden Wood. Also, their mothers are bat-shit crazy to the fifth power.
First up is 18 month old Brystol who is a whiney little monster, although I guess if my mother held me up too hard that my head bashed into the door at a pageant, leaving me with a bruise and a huge knot, I’d be more than a little pissy too. The best part is where they just get her some ice. I know kids get bumps and bruises and the show must go on, but did anyone check to see if that kid was seeing double? Although I have to tell you, I hope she saw double when the Big Bad Wolf costumed person showed up. I think she did, because she totally freaked out about it and cried all the live long day. I love it when people scare little kids, it’s so funny, especially when they pee themselves and parents have to clean it up. Her mom wants to know who wears a wolf costume to a toddler pageant…uh, recappers? Mom swears like a sailor and she rises in my esteem.
Seeing double was her mother who has taken a job specifically to pay for the pageant hobby. At least we have a mother who owns the fact that this “hobby/sport” is not cheap. However, I find it interesting that she is away from her kid 4 days a week to work for these stupid pageants instead of spending those four days at home with her kid reading to her. I’m not against working mothers, but does this make sense? All those weekends are is a major cry-fest, so how is that quality time?
Next up is two year old Chloe who is a total daddy’s girl with “no personality”…in fact, she’s everyone’s girl except her mother’s! Chloe is especially stunning on pageant day when her parents tell us that she was up until 1am (because why now?) and up at 6am, so daddy had to make his special concoction of energy drink, apple juice and soda to wake her up. You know what else is going to wake her up? The pain from the tooth decay you are so obviously giving her. I also find it fascinating that people spend thousands of dollars and drive 14 hours to these things to win a crown made by Chinese kids who will someday own the business that “employs” your low-functioning high school dropout.
More excellent, however, is when Chloe backs her motorized car up and hits the wall behind the emcee and almost kills Barbie emcee. Barbie freaks but gets her back by cutting off her music during her routine so she looks bad. Ah, Chloe, next time plan better. Kill the emcee offstage.
Victoria is our last contestant up for the Price for my Kid is Right, and her brother describes her personality at “spoiled.” Probably because mom lets her know her shit doesn’t stink, but it really sort of does. Mom thinks if Victoria wins, it’s because she created her. Just like Frankenstein? Reel it in, beyotch.
And then the controversy of the pageant…someone dresses their daughter, Paisley (one of the Paisleys we’ve seen?) as the Pretty Woman hooker. Okay, I get the controversy of dressing your kid as a hooker, but don’t you all sort of do that? Also, she’s a hooker with a heart of gold, but Paisley’s gold hair is the real distraction. Couldn’t you have found a platinum blond wig? Victoria’s mom says pageant moms already get enough criticism (really?) but it’s outfits like that, “that really give us a bad rap.” Uh, no, it’s that plus the money you spend plus the fact you have no lives plus the fact you put beauty before brains and plus the fact your homes are usually terribly decorated.
Bottom line, all these kids sucked it. No energy, fugly (for pageant kids) and a bunch of whiners. It’s like they are little kids or something. Spoiler alert! Brystol misses crowing but she gets what she deserves, a solid 5th place. Her mom says she doesn’t care if she chews on the trophy. Again with ruining the teeth! Stupid hilljacks! Chloe almost falls asleep while her category is called but she pulls out for a higher crown, as if. Victoria ends up being 4th runner up and let’s face it, this is the worst we’ve seen the kids T&T followed actually do. Chloe, still down with the sleepy-sleepers, doesn’t pull for anything but it looks like hooking paid off…Paisley wins Grand Supreme! Moms kvetch and one accosts the judges, bitching that the local girls won. Go figure.