MiniCap: Toddlers & Tiaras

Toddlers and Tiaras

By DearCrabby | Thursday, September 8, 2011 | 12:00 pm | 30 Comments

A classy hooker is still a hookerA classy hooker is still a hooker you know.

I say cluster, you say…it’s a Toddlers & Tiaras episode, you know what you normally say.  But this one is unbelievably good when it comes to whiney, cranky and let’s face it, fugly kids.  I’m sorry, but we know Eden Wood, and these kids are no Eden Wood.  Also, their mothers are bat-shit crazy to the fifth power.

First up is 18 month old Brystol who is a whiney little monster, although I guess if my mother held me up too hard that my head bashed into the door at a pageant, leaving me with a bruise and a huge knot, I’d be more than a little pissy too.  The best part is where they just get her some ice.  I know kids get bumps and bruises and the show must go on, but did anyone check to see if that kid was seeing double?  Although I have to tell you, I hope she saw double when the Big Bad Wolf costumed person showed up.  I think she did, because she totally freaked out about it and cried all the live long day.  I love it when people scare little kids, it’s so funny, especially when they pee themselves and parents have to clean it up.  Her mom wants to know who wears a wolf costume to a toddler pageant…uh, recappers?  Mom swears like a sailor and she rises in my esteem.

Seeing double was her mother who has taken a job specifically to pay for the pageant hobby.  At least we have a mother who owns the fact that this “hobby/sport” is not cheap.  However, I find it interesting that she is away from her kid 4 days a week to work for these stupid pageants instead of spending those four days at home with her kid reading to her.  I’m not against working mothers, but does this make sense?  All those weekends are is a major cry-fest, so how is that quality time?

Next up is two year old Chloe who is a total daddy’s girl with “no personality”…in fact, she’s everyone’s girl except her mother’s!  Chloe is especially stunning on pageant day when her parents tell us that she was up until 1am (because why now?) and up at 6am, so daddy had to make his special concoction of energy drink, apple juice and soda to wake her up.  You know what else is going to wake her up?  The pain from the tooth decay you are so obviously giving her.  I also find it fascinating that people spend thousands of dollars and drive 14 hours to these things to win a crown made by Chinese kids who will someday own the business that “employs” your low-functioning high school dropout.

More excellent, however, is when Chloe backs her motorized car up and hits the wall behind the emcee and almost kills Barbie emcee.  Barbie freaks but gets her back by cutting off her music during her routine so she looks bad.  Ah, Chloe, next time plan better.  Kill the emcee offstage.

Victoria is our last contestant up for the Price for my Kid is Right, and her brother describes her personality at “spoiled.”  Probably because mom lets her know her shit doesn’t stink, but it really sort of does.  Mom thinks if Victoria wins, it’s because she created her.  Just like Frankenstein?  Reel it in, beyotch.

And then the controversy of the pageant…someone dresses their daughter, Paisley (one of the Paisleys we’ve seen?) as the Pretty Woman hooker.  Okay, I get the controversy of dressing your kid as a hooker, but don’t you all sort of do that?  Also, she’s a hooker with a heart of gold, but Paisley’s gold hair is the real distraction.  Couldn’t you have found a platinum blond wig?  Victoria’s mom says pageant moms already get enough criticism (really?) but it’s outfits like that, “that really give us a bad rap.”  Uh, no, it’s that plus the money you spend plus the fact you have no lives plus the fact you put beauty before brains and plus the fact your homes are usually terribly decorated.

Bottom line, all these kids sucked it.  No energy, fugly (for pageant kids) and a bunch of whiners.  It’s like they are little kids or something.  Spoiler alert!  Brystol misses crowing but she gets what she deserves, a solid 5th place.  Her mom says she doesn’t care if she chews on the trophy.  Again with ruining the teeth!  Stupid hilljacks!  Chloe almost falls asleep while her category is called but she pulls out for a higher crown, as if.  Victoria ends up being 4th runner up and let’s face it, this is the worst we’ve seen the kids T&T followed actually do.  Chloe, still down with the sleepy-sleepers, doesn’t pull for anything but it looks like hooking paid off…Paisley wins Grand Supreme!  Moms kvetch and one accosts the judges, bitching that the local girls won.  Go figure.



A Food Network host wannabe and travel fanatic (only three more continents to go!) , Dear Crabby lived in Chicago for over 10 years before returning to her native Ohio. She loves black martinis, blue cheese burgers, and The Daily Show. A two-time Chicago marathon finisher, she heartily dislikes Smokey Smokersons, slow drivers in the passing lane, and noisy children, especially when they ruin a fine dining experience or a trip to Target. A nouveau spinster, Dear Crabby spends her free time with her Cocker Spaniels and often goes by the pseudonym “Mrs. Clooney.”

30 Comments

  1. 1
    PeppermintHookers
    Posted September 8, 2011 at 1:45 pm

    That’s Paisley of the booger snacks and cheese dip!

  2. 2
    HotsyHotcakes
    Posted September 8, 2011 at 1:50 pm

    That was Paisley that we’ve seen before–she of the infamous better Pebbles routine, with the mother who looks like Roseanne’s bitchy neighbor. Nice to see they are rewarding literal representations of prostitution. It’s true that Paisley’s routine was only a more blatant version of what the stripper-esque routines that always seem to win these things.

    Also, who in the world drives 14 hours to get to a pageant?!?

  3. 3
    Artemis
    Posted September 8, 2011 at 2:04 pm

    This episode was so…meh :/. And what was with the coach, Tara? Does she live with Brystol’s family or what? She said she quit her job to work for them because the parents pay good money; um, HELLO PARENTS HOW MUCH ARE YOU SPENDING?? Brystol’s what, 18 months? And they bought her a $4000 dress? I’m conflicted over the wolf costume; on one hand, its pretty funny, but on the other, that costume was actually kind of creepy. I did feel bad for Brystol,though. She’s not even 2 and is already scarred for life, both physically and metaphorically ;)

  4. 4
    MrsRogerSterling
    Posted September 8, 2011 at 2:27 pm

    Love your recaps Dear Crabby! Brystol cream actually got 6th place!! She was 5th runner up. This bothered me during the show last night when the mom said something like,”5th out of 12. Not too bad.”

  5. 5
    Ohiomom
    Posted September 8, 2011 at 2:34 pm

    Well, that was such a bad episode it makes me wonder if Bristol’s parents were faking the entire thing. A $4,000 dress for a child? And a second mortgage? Come on. I mean, who has a full time coach for an 18 month old? And that coach was just a little too rehearsed. Did you see the child’s grand supreme crown? It looked like something my sister won for Miss Independence 1984 from our little town in Ohio. I think this family was a fake.

    A parent’s group is now all up in arms over the Pretty Woman stuff and the mom is all pissy because she says the outfit covered more than say a swimsuit that a child would actually swim in for something like a swim team. She said they did n’t show where she became the classy hooker. I have never screamed at the TV before during this show. Also, the little girl who got second supreme or supreme runner up or whatever the hell they call it also had a crazy getup on. Last week we watched a true pageant winner with Queen. She was classy and put together. Her outfits were age appropriate and not once did you see her look like she was trying to force it.

    Did anyone see the missing hubcap on the parents car who drove 14 hours to lose? I was thinking maybe they could go with one less pageant accessory and get themselves some hubcaps. I did like her daddy rolling her with a sponge roller for the tan though. That was too cute. Just like a dude to use what they have on hand.

  6. 6
    Katie
    Posted September 8, 2011 at 2:36 pm

    The poor kid who bumped her head on the door needed comforting not a push on stage. What is wrong with these idiot parents who subject their child to this stuff. Bad enough we had to watch the poor kid being pummeled to death with hair, make up, costume squeezing but to expect her to “perform” with a knot on her forehead that surely must have hurt was horrible.

    At least one contestant had a normal name: Abby. The rest of those names are laugh out loud hysterical: Jaelynn, Calynn, whatever the dumb parents put together with at least one consonant I suppose is acceptable.

    But Paisley: doesn’t her mother know that is a pattern used to cover a couch?

  7. 7
    missyhep
    Posted September 8, 2011 at 4:06 pm

    I can’t wait to see if there is going to be a “Plaid”!

  8. 8
    dallasboo
    Posted September 8, 2011 at 4:07 pm

    So the judges, the director and her own mother are completely comfortable dressing a child as a prostitute- a girl that sucks dick for a living?

  9. 9
    keelaurow
    Posted September 8, 2011 at 4:46 pm

    DearCrabby,
    You are brilliant! You make me tune in to TVgasm even when abroad on my honeymoon. Excellent minicap and such insight!

  10. 10
    Chicken Lips
    Posted September 8, 2011 at 5:20 pm

    Stupid Time Warner Cable – my DVR only recorded 2 minutes of the episode – anyone know where I can see this episode online for free? I couldn’t find it on the site (maybe I’m blind) and it doesn’t look like it is going to be on TV again in the next week. Thanks!

  11. 11
    Madani Madayi
    Posted September 8, 2011 at 5:28 pm

    This episode made me so sad. I usually enjoy this show with only a little guilt because I can find one child who is enjoying SOMETHING about the experience. Not this time. They all seemed strung out, overtired, overstimulated, undernourished and unhappy about the whole thing. Poor babies.

  12. 12
    Alison Zimmerman
    Posted September 8, 2011 at 5:41 pm

    Yes, that was The Paisley that we saw digging for gold, wanting to buy cheese dip, and having to go Poop right before her doll in a box outfit. I will say that she is a cuttie, but to dress her like a hooker was just wrong.-as I type this I am SMH because last week we thought Dolly Parton was cute! I did see the side by side pictures of the hooker wear and the polo dress from the movie…why couldn’t they go with that dress? Also did you see Little Red Wagon Peyton up there sleeping during Crowning? For Flucks sake, what time was this pagent 7am?

    Would it had been so bad to let Chloe just sleep through hair and makeup and through crowning?

    Oh, and I was thinking that If Brystol’s Mom is paying a “pageant” coach that much money, I will come and live with you! I will teach her manners, play barbies with her. Most of all, I will let that kid be a kid! I also noticed that they didn’t have a whole lot of stuff in their house…Can’t wait for the full recap!!

    Ps, if my kid wackes her head on the glass frame of the door, I would have gone up to the judges, explain what happened, asked to go out of order until my child is done crying. Same with the Big Bad Wolf!! I am pretty sure the judges and the emcee saw her have a total meltdown at that point. I would have asked the same thing. Actually it would probably go something like this “my kid just had the shit scared out of them by that asshat dressed up as the big bad wolf. If you don’t mind I am going to go and try to calm my child down. We are going to go spray her face back on. I would appreciate it if we were able to go last. Oh and by the way, After the pageant, I am going to go kick the BBW’s ass, so please don’t call the cops. Thanks!”

  13. 13
    Chicken Lips
    Posted September 8, 2011 at 6:06 pm

    Hey – I found somewhere in my last ditch effort! I got to the site from sidereel (I think) and the site is videobb. I never heard of it, but my virus program seems to think it is AOK, so that’s good enough for me.

  14. 14
    bre
    Posted September 8, 2011 at 7:21 pm

    The only reason this dad who hates pageants is willing to pay for a pageant coach to quit her day job and work for him full-time is…..well, let’s just say, Paisley could just have easily dressed as her….

  15. 15
    Chicken Lips
    Posted September 8, 2011 at 7:30 pm

    I would have loved to see the pageant those mothers were watching because I think the three girls did horrible. I loved when the pageant director said if they didn’t know they were going to be critiqued they should have stayed home.

    Did anyone else think the judges were looking around for the hidden cameras because they thought they were on Candid Camera with this crew?

  16. 16
    Adelefig
    Posted September 8, 2011 at 8:21 pm

    Allison Zimmerman- Thanks for the reminder of the “little red wagon” incident! I have never laughed so hard at a tv show in my life! I play it in double slo-mo and it is even better. (but glad no one was hurt)

  17. 17
    Bluedog
    Posted September 8, 2011 at 8:40 pm

    Dallasboo…..well said. Even if the mother is a f….. idiot surely the judges have the sense to give zeros for the outfit AND make a statement to mothers entering that hookers are not suitable role models.

  18. 18
    June Summer
    Posted September 8, 2011 at 9:41 pm

    Paisley’s mom needs to enroll her in Abby Lee’s Dance School.
    The costume will fit right in with the Shangela/Laquifa nonsense.

  19. 19
    Chloe
    Posted September 9, 2011 at 12:51 am

    This episode has made it into the newspapers here in the UK, because of the prostitute costume…. can’t wait to see it :P

  20. 20
    jaimesommers
    Posted September 9, 2011 at 7:01 am

    Dear Crabby you are by FAR the best recapper. I love when you screen grab the brattiest picture and entreat us to remember our birth control. hahahaha

    MY GOD don’t these idiot white trash mothers realize what everyone thinks of immediately with these hicktastic girl names?? HINT:

    “Today President Brystol announced…” Nooooo
    “In science and technology news, MIT graduate…” Hm. No

    “LET’S ALL GIVE A WARM WELCOME–PERFORMING ON THE MAIN STAGE TONIGHT! HERE IS VIXXYN’S’ OWN… BRY-STOLLLLL!!!” [Love is like a bomb, baby, c'mon get it on; Livin' like a lover with a radar phone]

    Bingo!

  21. 21
    TiredMom
    Posted September 9, 2011 at 9:43 am

    “Livin’ like a lover with a radar phone”

    Oh my! I have been singing that song wrong all these years. :)

  22. 22
    T&tjunky
    Posted September 9, 2011 at 11:05 am

    When I heard the bit about the chick quitting her job to be Brystols full time pagenat coach, the first think I thought of was “Is she a sister wife now?”

  23. 23
    TiredMom
    Posted September 9, 2011 at 11:49 am

    I haven’t felt hate towards another mother, quite as strongly as I did last night, towards Brystol’s mom – that woman was down right hideous. Her actions at the end with the trophy – uggghhh – just complete trash, that woman.

  24. 24
    Pammie Carlton
    Posted September 9, 2011 at 4:31 pm

    Brystol’s mom totally bashed her head into the door! She still makes her go up on stage and she is still wailing in pain. Then tells her “Brystol, that was bad”

  25. 25
    Monae Linder
    Posted September 9, 2011 at 4:32 pm

    Their on The Insider right now talking about Paisley

  26. 26
    June Summer
    Posted September 9, 2011 at 4:48 pm

    @ TiredMom
    I still think Jamie Sterling is the worst mother on this show.

  27. 27
    Monae Linder
    Posted September 9, 2011 at 5:46 pm

    *They’re

  28. 28
    Tadow
    Posted September 11, 2011 at 4:46 pm

    @dallas boo — don’t be so narrow-minded, prostitutes do more than just suck dick :)
    @jamiesommers — loved your choice of musical accompaniment, i too have been singing that line wrong…

  29. 29
    CattyFan cattyfan
    Posted September 12, 2011 at 11:05 am

    “I can’t wait to see if there is going to be a “Plaid”!”

    How about calling one Gingham? Or Little Batik? Actually with this crowd I wouldn’t be at all surprised if a Satin, Chambray, or Charmeuse shoed up. Of course they would be spelled wrong. Shambraye. Sharmuse. Sateena. And if they did, they would be an epic Faille.

  30. 30
    concerned in TN
    Posted September 12, 2011 at 10:26 pm

    Wendy Dickey got just what she wanted….publicity.

    The costume was for shock factor after the dolly costume and before that Mia in the Madonna cone bra costume.

    She was probably jealous and just wanted on TV.

    The thing is, this is just going to make someone else try to come up with something even more shocking.

    PS Wendy’s husband is hot. I he leaves her (he was the one that even said something about the costumes “taking away a child’s innocence”, please post his contact info.

    BTW, I read where Jamie Sterling’s husband is divorcing her. She is currently pregnant living with her boyfried…but current boyfriend is not the father. Barry Sterling apparently has moved to Austin, TX leaving the 5 girls with their mother. According to reports, 911 has already been called at least once to her home by one of the girls.

    So sad. I hated that bitch!!!!

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