Somebody didn’t get their way.
Hooooly Shiite Muslim hold the Lowe’s, we got ourselves a real klassy loser with good sportsmanship in this episode of Toddlers & Tiaras. The “Island of Dreams” pageant in Michigan is by far the cheapest one we’ve seen what with their pathetic backdrop, 18” x 24” sign and blow-up palm trees. Man, I knew things were bad in Michigan, but damn.
First up is Krazy Kelly and 23 month old (21? Oh, whatever, she’s in the 0-2 category) Natalie who hates, hates, hates and super-hates everything about pageants and being alive. This kid whines and cries and bitches and moans, although for some reason cannot use her words because she cannot talk. Don’t kids that age usually have a vocabulary of a few words beyond, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”? However, I actually do not blame this kid for fussing – she HATES this shit. Also, because she hates it, she is mostly a hot mess all over the place. Mom, on the other hand, loves pageants and is trailer-trashy enough to compare pageants to drugs. Wait until you see her withdrawal symptoms.
Next up is Ally, mom to 3 year old Samara. Ally claims to be tattooed from head to toe, but we only see the one on her arm, and as a heavy metal Christian band singer, she’s actually a really cool mom. I really thought oh, man, here comes the crazy, but she was really nice, looked at pageants like a fun thing to do and nothing more. She enjoyed spending time with her daughter, laughed when her daughter did “Chooky moves” and had a positive experience overall. In other words, recapper death.
But the gem of the show is Crazy Grandma of Cadence who is 8 (or 9 – you know, it’s hard to take notes on the elliptical in the morning). Crazy Grandma looks like Eden’s bitchy agent but worse. And she’s meaner. I don’t know how anyone would want to spend time with a grandmother who criticized, criticized, bitched and moaned, then blamed their potential losing on the rivalry between Ohio and Michigan. Okay, maybe on the football field if I had any clue about sports, but there’s not any real trouble there. You are just looking for excuses. Why not blame any loss on the fact that your granddaughter is out of practice, stiff onstage and she looks really old-fashioned with that Loretta Lynn Grand Ole Opry hair and dress?
So, **SPOILER ALERT** on the crowning. Poor Natalie hates life all day and you can tell she’s going to be on a therapist’s couch talking about her pageant days. She continues to be the whiniest kid on the block through the whole thing and the one time she does seem to enjoy being onstage she plants it face-first and bursts into tears. I hear ya. Mom Kelly is convinced she’s going to supreme so when Natalie wins a princess title, Kelly throws and absolute shit fit and storms out of the pageant hall, throws her own bag in the air so shit goes flying everywhere, then proceeds to sulk in the lobby. Methadone sucks, doesn’t it? Unfortunately, she was too busy texting to hear the emcee say they should wait through the ENTIRE process because kids could double-crown (I don’t think it was that explicit, but she did say to stay through the whole thing), so dumbass Kelly misses it when her kid wins novice supreme. Then she STILL manages to bitch at someone at the event about how pissed she was about the princess title. Yes, please complain more about winning a supreme title.
Crazy Grandma cannot contain her disdain for Cadence’s divisional queen win and you can tell Cadence feels the sting no matter how much Granny Nutbag tells her she loves her (once). Can you not just bake cookies? However Ally is thrilled when her little ooky Chooky wins ultimate grand supreme and is actually grateful for the award. There is hope in Michigan after all!
Until the full recap comes up, enjoy last week’s T&T recap. To get the funniest quotes from TVgasm recaps as they’re posted, follow us on Twitter or like our Facebook page! You can post your favorite lines right back at us. Thanks for being here!