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Oh my freakin’ God was this episode of Toddlers & Tiaras fantastic! Moms/grandmas with wax faces, drag queens judging, spoiled brats not performing, twins who really aren’t they just look that way, a coach teaching her girls the EXACT SAME ROUTINE, Blue Man Group in miniature size, a hot pink Hummer based on an Essie nail color, hot brother abs, I Dream of Jeannie falling off the stage, a helicopter ride into Vegas because granny face wax doesn’t like traffic, and a dad who is a bigger douche than Ryan Lochte, and that’s saying something.
Do I even need to go on? If I smoked, I’m be jamming a whole pack in my mouth right now.
This is the Little Miss and Mr. Nevada Pageant and the competition really is tough this time – not too many fuglies here. First up is Kylee and her douchebag dad. How do we know he’s a total and complete douche? His t-shirt collection. The first one we see is “I don’t date single moms. I make single moms.” The second is “I (heart) Lesbians.” What an ASSHOLE. Plus, he wears his hoodie with the hood up for most of the pageant. Doooooouuuuuuuuccccccchhhhhhheeeeee. Like seriously, he’s the love child of Massengill and Summer’s Eve. Luckily, Kylee has a lot of energy, is really pretty and overall is a nice kid. Even nicer (for us) is when she pops out of her I Dream of Jeannie bottle and falls completely off the back of the stage. Thanks once again to the MOFOS at TLC who cannot seem to time their commercials right, I’m not sure what happened in that 60-90 seconds we missed thanks to another DirecTV commercial that runs too long, but then I see that Kylee has accumulated her fecal matter, shrugged off whatever brain damage she received and is back onstage to kick ass and take names. Just names of single moms.
Next up is another adorable little girl named Elizabeth who is not only pageant-ready but probably someone who is going to be a model someday, she is beautiful. Sadly, her grandmother looks like she’s from a sideshow house of wax thanks to horrible plastic surgery and too much botox. Also? Granny needs to start dressing her age because her belly-baring and/or too short outfits are just aging her. The family is LOADED as granny mentions she’s probably spent $100,000 on pageants. Or you could have fed a lot of needy families in Vegas, but whatever. Granny is pissed at their coach because she taught a bunch of girls the SAME ROUTINE FOR THE SAME PAGEANT and does a shit-can job on Elizabeth’s hair…making her look just like Kylee. Oops. Doesn’t help that they have the same color dress and stand next to each other, either. Granny spares no expense or time (because clearly it’s slipping down her waxy face) and decides to helicopter the 25 miles between Henderson and Las Vegas because she doesn’t like the traffic. Well, clearly the recession skipped over Nevada and moved right on into the west coast.