They Mayans were right, the world ended on 12.12.12 at 9pm EST! It’s the new season of Toddlers & Tiaras and is this a good one! Lots of screaming and delusional parents. Let’s get to the minicap of mayhem.
Once again Pageant Die-rector Annette Hill is hosting one of her Universal Royalty pageants, this one with a Christmas theme. I love Christmas and usually by Thanksgiving it looks like Martha Stewart has exploded all over my home. Seriously, the local utility company loves me because basically I put up a kajillion white lights all over the place. It’s like my house has the full package! Luckily, not many of the girls really do at this pageant but per usual it doesn’t affect judging.
First up is Katlyn who can barely speak and mom Kymberli…there are 5 generations of beauty pageant participants in this family, which is just a level of financial nonsense that would boggle a world-class economist. They call on Jesus and God a lot to help them through things because s/he has JUST THAT KIND OF TIME, and mom Kymberli just…well, she’s a lot to take. I mean, I appreciate her enthusiasm, but she talks so much and so fast that I get the feeling she doesn’t realize how ridiculous she really is. You’d think the blond hair with the dark roots would tell her, but no.
Next up is our gay weekend dad Chris and his adorable daughter Hailey, who should be in spelling bees instead pageants. His skin is too tanned, his teeth are too white, and his eyes wink a little too much. This isn’t Boy Bar, calm down. Chris has the right idea – Hailey is shy and he wants to help break her out of her shell and help improve her confidence. And what better way than to have complete strangers judge her on her appearance? Even worse? She’s 9 and this is her first pageant…with no coach, no talent and a $4,000 couture dress that really doesn’t look it. Amateurs!
Finally is our badly-in-need-of-discipline kid, Ava and mom Monica. She’s the typical pageant mom in that she’s clueless and doesn’t spank her brat when she is in dire need of it. She basically caves to whatever Ava wants – she even smacks her big brother around and they do nothing about it (hope he kicks the shit out of her when they aren’t looking).
Katlyn throws a fit about getting her dress altered, Hailey could not be more afraid of/less interested in this pageant and even calls her dad out for spending money on this dress and not saving for college, and Ava just screams. Hailey can barely speak to the lady doing her nails who is horrified that she could buy a SMART car and still have money left over for a month’s worth of groceries for what her dress cost. Chris continues to tell himself Hailey is really excited about the pageant. Seems like she’d be excited to find out who her REAL dad is, because these two don’t have any parent/child chemistry.