Thank you Santa for this fantastic episode of Toddlers & Tiaras. We head back to pageant land in South Carolina for the “Carolina Queens Pageant,” and lots of vicious competition.
First up is the hilarious kid of the episode and her very subdued mother. Little Mackenzie has a teeny bit of an ego and a mouth to go with it, but overall I found this kid completely hysterical. First of all, she sings like Phoebe on Friends and I can tell you that her song about how much she loves Crayons better be on iTunes soon, because who doesn’t love Crayons? Second of all, this kid is like a mini Ellen Pompeo on a good day – just really pretty. Mom is normal, practices with Mackenzie and gives me basically nothing to talk about she’s just that nice.
Next up is the egomaniacal brat of the episode, and the girl she coaches, Faithlyn. NOT Faith-Lyn, FAITHLYN all one word, dammit! Coach Nikki is a nasal-toned, Lurch-faced, ignorant, illiterate, know-it-all, foul-mouthed cooch monkey who could use a little humility. I hated her from minute one. She carries around a dog like a purse, snots off about the other kids and is basically someone you wouldn’t want to be around for long (head’s up men of South Carolina, no amount of beer is going to make this look or sound good). Faithlyn’s parents are nowhere to be found although I’m hoping after this episode that they give Coach Cooch her walking papers because she really is a terrible influence on her daughter. Also, I find it creepy when adults get that involved with kids who aren’t their own. Just have a brood of your own you can ruin already!
And finally is the turning from natural pageants to glitz, the 600 pound, 3-year old Selena or as she’ll be known here, Snausage. Snausage is cute but holy shit is that kid a fatty-fat-fat-fat and I’m shocked that her pediatrician hasn’t called DCFS on this family. All they do is shove sugar down this kid’s gullet! Sugar, sugar and more sugar! Her mother says Snausage’s weight is not an issue, mostly because her mother is Cleo Patrick, Queen of Denial. That kid could seriously send a pony to the chiropractor for life if she ever rode one. The only upside is that the family is actually pretty nice and the dad is super-proud. Hope he’s just as proud of her when she had to check her blood sugar 10 times a day to make sure she doesn’t DIE.
No spoiler alerts but there are some surprises and the competition is tough. Until the recap is posted, follow us on Twitter or like our Facebook page! You can post your favorite lines right back at us. And you can check out previous T&T recaps to hold you until the next one! Thanks for being here!