Ahhh, back to the crazy with this week’s episode of Toddlers & Tiaras. Pageant Director Carol’s eyebrows continue to try to escape her face as she presents the California Tropic: Under the Sea pageant in Nevada.
We already have a winner – no fair!
First we meet 9 year old Jordan whose favorite trophy is actually her football trophy. She claims to be a tomboy on the inside and pageant girl on the outside, but she ain’t fooling us with that bobbed hair. Jordan’s favorite pastime is eating grubs and worms from her yard. You read that correctly. Hope she doesn’t get those caught in her flipper! The best part is exhausted mom who is doing everything in her power, including using bill money for pageants, to make sure her daughter becomes successful. You’d think spending that money on Mandarin lessons or space camp would be a better bet, but whatever.
Next up is 4 year old Cariah, rhymes with Mariah, who basically says 10 words during this entire episode. Her dipshit mother makes up for her verbal lethargy but creating sentences that don’t make sense while having a Jada Pinkett Smith attitude without any of the backup talent or knowledge. Mom never shuts up, tells it how she thinks it is with words she thinks she knows and is basically clueless for the amount of arrogance she throws around.
Finally is another grandma-induced pageant girl, Alyssa, 5, who is funny, smart and spot-on with her walk, pretty feet and talent. “Glamma” as she calls herself is in charge of training and paying – the way we like our Glammas. Alyssa says her grandmother might drive her crazy and tells her as long as her face hurts, she’s smiling correctly.
In typical chaos theory that is pageant day, everything seems to go wrong or the moms just never watched this show. Jordan doesn’t use a fall, mom doesn’t know how her costume is supposed to work (and has the stupidest meltdown when her hotel room key doesn’t work), Cariah’s outfits are too over the top so you can’t see the kid, and mom hires a professional makeup and hair person who says she’ll never do pageants again, and Alyssa just shows up and kicks ass because she practices and works hard. Unbelievable how many parents still forget that as part of training their kids for being adults! Lots of angry, bitter moms at the end and it’s pretty funny to see how many Cleo Patricks there really are out there.
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