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This Toddlers & Tiaras didn’t have too much drama, but it certainly had its share of oddities and special moments only those involved in pageants can provide us. Amen.
The Stars’n Glitz pageant takes place in Charlotte, North Carolina, and the theme is “Fiesta.” So, we don’t want foreigners in our country, but we’ll sure as shit steal your fun party ideas! Pageant Director and Resident HORNDOG is the waaay over-accessorized Carla Smith who tells us it doesn’t matter if it’s from Spain or Mexico, they want people to join the fiesta! What she doesn’t say is they’d prefer Spanish fiesta instead of Mexican’t, but I think it’s understood.
Through her headband, glittery eye shadow, over-rouged cheeks, dangly earrings, ruffle-collared shirt, big & sparkly necklace and tons of rings, Carla also tells us she’d do the emcee over and over and over again until his eyes finally popped out from the ecstasy that only her pre-Curves body can provide. But she’s less subtle.
First up is Alyssa, 4, who is adorable and tells us that if someone takes her crown onstage, she kicks them in the crotch. Well, at least she has a plan. Mom AmyLeigh is very nice and pretty hilarious, and although I think she’s right about beauty being so important in the real world, I kind of want to kick her in the crotch for saying it. And for not putting her kid into Space Camp instead of beauty pageants.
Alyssa is really cute and is just now moving into the 4 year old group. She does seem to need more training as she relies on watching mom too much, but the biggest downer is when she turns into the nicest mean girl ever. Mom should probably reel that in before Alyssa really regrets it – we all know how karma works, don’t we?
Next up is a girl we met a few seasons ago, Ariana, 7, and grandma Pam…to remind you, these were the hunting family (okay, that doesn’t narrow it down) and Ariana described in great detail how she’d cut up any deer she got. Grandma tells us that they no longer hunt so we don’t have to worry about Ariana being a serial killer of any kind.
Due to grandma’s illness (they don’t say what), they’ve taken a couple of years off from pageants and this will be their first one back. Luckily, they have Pat a.k.a YaYa (although I think Pat Aka YaYa is a much better name) who is wearing a crazy (Steelers?) headband attached to crazy Muppet hair and some drag queen they know who looks like he’s a huge penis with foreskin helping get her ready for the pageant. So you know this kid is gold.
There is also some confusion between George Washington and Abraham Lincoln, so you know she’s being raised by a village of Mensa members.
Finally, we meet 3.5 year old Natali (because the final “e” was just too much) who is super-shy and has weird-head vibe except I think it’s just her wide-eyed genes from mom. Or it’s the fact that mom IS STILL BREAST FEEDING HER! Jesus, are you serious? Yes she is.