Despite the name “Cheetalicious” pageant, this Toddlers & Tiaras episode was pretty tame overall. The director of this Oklahoma pageant tells us that things like “Safari Wear” is what is making better women for our future. Future strip clubs, maybe. Now we’re not even hiding the fact these pageant girls end up dancing in cages!
First we meet a really cute kid named – of course – Brooklyn – who is 21 months old and is a pretty good competitor. Brooklyn is pretty quiet during the whole show, a reasonably pleasant kid who gets distracted by people and shiny objects (but who am I to judge on that last one?). The best part of Brooklyn is really her parents. Mom Amy is sweet but she harkens back to the 1950 wives…she’s not stupid, but more of just a ding-a-ling. Often with vacant eyes, searching for approval, she tells us that pageants help her daughter learn life skills for job searching. You know, I cannot tell you how many of my interviews have involved pretty feet, twirling and outfit of choice.
Amy and her husband make a hilarious couple – I’ve never seen pageant parents so ill at ease with each other. In fact, it’s possible Amy and her husband have never met, they are more awkward than a Christian Mingles date where both sides lied profusely in their online profiles. So pretty much the average online dater. Her answers to questions asked by the staff are hilarious because of the circuitous route they often take. Ding. A. Ling!
Bella, 2, has been in 150-175 pageants in her short life, thanks to mom jump-starting her pageant career while the kid was still in utero. Mom is truly clueless as everyone within earshot knows that Bella HATES PAGEANTS! SHE HATES THEM! Her favorite word is NO (per usual!), she hates putting on the clothes, getting her hair and makeup done, getting a spray tan, practicing, getting onstage and basically being with her mother. Mom cannot see any of this.
Mom tells us that “It’s Bella’s world and we just live in it,” and again, when did adults raising human beings turn into spineless idiots? Since Bella didn’t practice her Safari Wear routine, mom has to scream instructions at her non-smiling kid, then gets upset when Bella kind of blows it. She swears if Bella wants to stop pageants, she’ll stop them immediately…why do these moms say this yet ignore it when their kid says they don’t like pageants?
And finally the sweet kid of the pageant, Emma Belle, 5, who is a blonde Betty Boop. She’s very polite, giggles nonstop (and started to make me giggle, dammit!), is good-natured and very good at pageants. Her mom is nice, not crazy and seems reasonably intelligent. Emma Belle shows us how short pageant hair can be done RIGHT. So basically, these two are recapper death because there’s nothing to slam on.
Oh, and pageant judges? Either start talking trash or don’t agree to be interviewed. Your positive outlook on every child was noxious. You wanna be polite? Take it to the debutante ball.