Toddlers & Tiaras MiniCap

Toddlers and Tiaras

By DearCrabby | Thursday, August 4, 2011 | 10:37 am | 44 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , ,

The horrorOMG, these kids suck balls!  BALLS!

Well, if this Toddlers & Tiaras episode doesn’t show the sorry state of our country, I don’t know what does!  I warn there is one big spoiler alert so if you don’t want to know, avert your eyes, but I need to mention it to prove my point about pageants:  Standards are getting low.

What I noticed about this pageant is that ALL of the kids were awful.  You know how they show all the different people competing?  This must have been for first-timers, newbies, ADD kids and total tards because the kids were just terrible…they looked horribly unpolished for the most part and it was kind of surprising.  Which might be reason behind the atrocity that happened during crowning.

First up is Allyson who is adorable but a little clumsy, which her mom freely admits quite a bit.  In every interview she gives us. Allyson fits into the perfect kid mold because doesn’t like to practice.  As a result, she does okay but not great.  However, her “facial beauty” and confidence are good and the judges like her.  In addition, she’s very well-mannered, polite and an overall good kid, and basically she gets robbed of what she should have won.  Maybe it’s because of that creepy dad she had lurking around during the competition?

Next is Emerald (bitches, please think about what your kid is going to be when she grows up…hooker or CEO?) who comes from a Quaker family who believes everyone is equal.  Now, if the Republicans have taught us anything, that means you are socialists.  Also, how do pageants fit into your lives?  Enjoy Hell.  And next time, pick a religion you can follow without justifying why you break all of its rules.  Or become Pastafarians.

Finally is Baylen, our bratacular beyotch of the episode, and her totally clueless mother.  Baylen is obnoxious, rude, likes to punch and kick her mother and is totally useless onstage.  Seriously, she gets onstage and does nothing!  NOTHING!  She doesn’t know how to walk to her marks, she fusses and tries to bolt offstage, she goes to the front of the stage and stares down the judges like she’s about to pull out a gun and kill them with no remorse.  So of course, she wins the freaking grand supreme!  OMG, if this doesn’t tell you how low are standards have become, I don’t know what does.  Even with the other dullards and losers, she was awful.  I was thoroughly convinced that she was going home empty-handed and I was going to relish that moment.  How wrong I was.

The only saving grace was that our pageant director Tonya seems to be taking her thyroid meds and has learned to keep her eyes open an appropriate amount instead of bug-eyed.  Good for you, honey.

Thoughts on this win?  I call bullshit bigtime.

Catch up on last week’s Toddlers recap here.

A Food Network host wannabe and travel fanatic (only three more continents to go!) , Dear Crabby lived in Chicago for over 10 years before returning to her native Ohio. She loves black martinis, blue cheese burgers, and The Daily Show. A two-time Chicago marathon finisher, she heartily dislikes Smokey Smokersons, slow drivers in the passing lane, and noisy children, especially when they ruin a fine dining experience or a trip to Target. A nouveau spinster, Dear Crabby spends her free time with her Cocker Spaniels and often goes by the pseudonym “Mrs. Clooney.”

44 Comments

  1. 1
    dallasboo
    Posted August 4, 2011 at 10:53 am

    Baylen was useless! My purse could have done better on stage! She also seemed kinda stupid…..just not a very bright child….dead in the eyes and I would never leave my pets alone with her! And the fact that she won a major award only encourages her clueless mother to continue wasting money and her time. Maybe she deserves to get punched in the face if she really thinks her brat deserved that crown and title!!

    What were the judges thinking?

  2. 2
    pokeybear
    Posted August 4, 2011 at 11:02 am

    Baylen’s name is hill-larry-us! Baylen is the membrane Humpback whales use to filter plankton….uglyass brat is bound to rule Whaledom from a throne in her trailer!

  3. 3
    Li'l C
    Posted August 4, 2011 at 11:38 am

    Emerald was pretty cute.

    I liked how Allyson’s goal in life is to be brown.

    Baylen was terrible. And why did her clueless, Ed Hardy-wearing, mother wear the same ugly earrings in every single scene?

  4. 4
    NotWithoutMyTV
    Posted August 4, 2011 at 12:02 pm

    [GASP!!] Jesus, Mary, and Joseph on Ritz cracker! Commentors implying that a pageant child might be less than a genius, or a bit south of a supermodel in the looks department are gonna get TAKEN TO SKOOL by some pageant mom. They’re so viscious, you’ll wish you died as a child. Sometimes they’re threatening you with eternal damnation, and it’s hard to get the specifics because they’re functionally illiterate, but the rage comes through, and that shit will turn your hair WHITE!

  5. 5
    Bautin
    Posted August 4, 2011 at 12:10 pm

    Baylen didn’t win the grand supreme, Emerald, who I really think was sweet and deserved it, won. Baylen won queen of her divison

  6. 6
    Bautin
    Posted August 4, 2011 at 12:14 pm

    Though Baylen certainly didn’t even deserve that title either.

  7. 7
    Classy Drunk Classy Drunk
    Posted August 4, 2011 at 12:16 pm

    Don’t forget they will use scripture against you NWMTV…

  8. 8
    Imperfect Manx
    Posted August 4, 2011 at 12:54 pm

    Baylen won queen of her division which goes to show the terrible quality. And she was completely useless.

    Grand Supreme went to Emerald who I think completely deserved it. You could tell she really enjoyed being up there and wasn’t forced into doing it. She’s about the only kid I’ve seen so far who didn’t make their parents out to be liars everytime they said something like how much their kid loved pageants.

    As for Allyson, I actually liked her. She’s a very pretty kid. And despite her mom telling us repeatedly that she isn’t the most co-ordinated, she wasn’t mean-spirited like Dianely’s mom. In fact, I think her mom struck the most balanced approach I’ve seen on this show – hey you gotta practice if you want to do something, but she’s not going to make your life miserable over it.

  9. 9
    Riley
    Posted August 4, 2011 at 1:02 pm

    Wow DearCrabby…. someone wasn’t in a good mood when she wrote this.

    This pageant had some very good competitors. Unfortunately, most of them weren’t shown on tv. But Brooklyn and Brittannie from Winter Beauties, Daisy from La Maison de Paris, and Chloe from Halloween Bash all competed and won titles at Glamorous Beauties. So I don’t think it’s particularly fair to say that all of the kids were awful when you saw a very small portion of them.

    I was surprised you would say such mean things about Emerald. Even if you don’t like her family’s religion, they were a very supportive and sane family, and Em is a really sweet, well behaved, and well mannered kid.

  10. 10
    Alice
    Posted August 4, 2011 at 1:17 pm

    Good and bad show…First the good: It gave us an imbecile mother, her dull-witted bratty kid who made us want to punch them both, a boobalicious Junior League mom who shaves her eyebrows only to draw some skinny stupid ones back on, and…Jackpot!…a spunky Quaker mom who bought all the clothes from Aunt Bea’s estate sale.

    Bad: Moron Girl won big. Betty was not the emcee.

  11. 11
    Alice
    Posted August 4, 2011 at 1:28 pm

    Ummm…I meant that Quaker mom buys all of HER clothes from Aunt Bea’s estate sale. Dreadful blouses.

    And Riley…Why come here and read brilliantly snarky recaps? This board is not where you will find people gushing about how talented and beautiful the kids are. This is where we can laugh about how tarted-up these kids are, and the fabulous examples of BAD parenting, and….well, everything. Everything is fair game on T&T, and making fun of it is almost too easy.

  12. 12
    Tonya
    Posted August 4, 2011 at 2:13 pm

    Crabby,
    One day you will take my offer to come to a pageant and actually see what actually happens, THEN see how heavily edited The shows are!!! They really focused for this show only on the 0-3yr old Supreme Group this consists of 0-11,12-23 and 2-3yrs olds. Of course ALOT in those ages are Newbies ( Everyone is a NEWBIE at one time or another). There was some amazing talent they did not even show at all. They also left off so much of the actual award ceremony!! FIrst Baylen Won Divisional Queen NOT Grand Supreme. She was a doll and several in her group pulled out for higher titles. Ally won OVERALL Natural Photogenic, this is also a pulled High Title. She also won alot of other awards they cut out and she got top 10!! Emerald won the 0-3 Grand Supreme ( Second Highest to the Ultimate). As a reader of your recaps I just want everyone to understand they do really edit so much out. It is hard to understand the crowning process let alone have them edit it. I really worked hard on the eyes just for you. Took my meds everyday ( I really did get my thryoid checked but it was normal)!!! Can’t wait to read the full recap( I Hope).

  13. 13
    J-nut
    Posted August 4, 2011 at 2:30 pm

    I thought Baylen seemed as if she has congenital neurological issues, like fetal alcohol syndrome or a moderate form of autism. Something about her eyes and affect.

  14. 14
    J-nut
    Posted August 4, 2011 at 2:31 pm

    Plus Baylen has to be one of the least attractive kids I’ve seen on this show.

  15. 15
    littlemalulu
    Posted August 4, 2011 at 2:54 pm

    DearCrabby, you are a riot. Tonya, you are the coolest person in the world.

  16. 16
    Monae Linder
    Posted August 4, 2011 at 4:25 pm

    Someone said it…Baylen is horribly afflicted with th not cute/pretty gene. I also thought she had a form of Autism, that comment was not intended to be mean…but an actual concern

  17. 17
    Alison Zimmerman
    Posted August 4, 2011 at 4:32 pm

    I thought Emerald and Allyson were pretty cute this eppi. Yes they both had their moments, but it seemed like they actually wanted to be doing this! Allyson and her “I want to be brown like Beyonce” was pretty cute! That girl knows what she wants, and she knows exactly how to get it. As for Emerald being mostly Natural in a Glitz pageant, that was pretty awesome.

    As for Baylen-seriously wtf?-I was waiting for her to punch mom in the face! That would have made the eppisode. Here mom, this is what I think of you putting me in these stupid things! Enjoy that black eye you stupid bitch!! That was one mom, where I could totally see, she wants the kid in a pageant, not the other way around.

    I also loved the first baby that went on stage and spitup all over the front of her dress. We all know what that baby thought about being on stage!

  18. 18
    Monae Linder
    Posted August 4, 2011 at 4:43 pm

    Also I loved Em and her not so Quaker family:-) . …she rocked the stage.Allyson must have been brown in a past life…LOVED IT when you looked at the little brown girl and said “your so cute”

  19. 19
    dearcrabby
    Posted August 4, 2011 at 4:57 pm

    Hey – yes, sorry, Baylen won QUEEN of her division (this is what happens when you minicap from work between meetings) and Emerald won Grand Supreme – my bad. I was still in a rage over Baylen winning ANYTHING!

    Tonya – per usual, you are a great sport about all of this! You, Annette and Betty need to go out for shots (you probably all need them after the pageants, haha!). I know these things have to be heavily edited and I tease about the eyes – I have several pictures where my eyes do the same thing. One is actually while I was sitting on Jim Morrison’s grave, but that’s a story for another day. I would attend a pageant with you, but too many parents know about this site and I probably couldn’t make it to the parking lot alive!

    I still have to call bullshit on Baylen winning anything…anyone who comes to the edge of the stage and drools and wins…well, she would have done well at my last company. Editing or no, she didn’t do better than Allyson who I thought overall should have won a crown.

    Also – Tonya, since you are in the pageant world, any news on Lisa Fulgham who stole that money from everyone? Oh, I’m sorry, stole that ALLEGED money? :)

  20. 20
    joye
    Posted August 4, 2011 at 5:14 pm

    Tonya, We know there is heavy editing…if I see a mom say “I’d quit tomorrow, but she just LOVES doing this” then it will be followed by a shot of a screaming child fighting an eyebrow pluck. But it is SO entertaining, and what we see is what we get. I think that Emerald is the only very young child I’ve seen who seems to love what she’s doing. But Baylen? Winning Queen? I need to see the judges’ score sheets, comments and all, before I’ll buy that one.

  21. 21
    Alison Zimmerman
    Posted August 4, 2011 at 6:12 pm

    @DearCrabby, I totally got why you posted that picture of the little girl in the blue with her finger up her nose and said, “there is one every episode!!!” Lastnight the showed the repeat with Olivia, or should I say Peyton and the Little Red Wagon. :) I totally missed Olivia say to the cameraperson, “I have a booger in my nose, and it is a squishy-(sp)-one. —sorry if anyone is eating dinner!!—I can’t wait to read your full recap! Keep up the good work!

  22. 22
    Monae Linder
    Posted August 4, 2011 at 7:00 pm

    I.agree again, I honestly believe that while they film many hours of tape, they only show when the children are acting up/out. IMO, they children aren’t getting enough sleep and hyped up with candy and ‘special drink’. Its great tv for snarking

  23. 23
    Fan-Ann
    Posted August 4, 2011 at 7:20 pm

    If I knew Alyson, I would whisper to her what a child I know hopes and believes: that the more chocolate milk she drinks, the darker her skin will be. Silly girl, everyone knows that’s true!

  24. 24
    Chelsea
    Posted August 4, 2011 at 9:18 pm

    Tonya you rock! This is Em’s mom. I actually inherited my tops for my Grandma (not) they were terrible weren’t they! If we do the show again I hope they spring for a personal shopper!

  25. 25
    Alison Zimmerman
    Posted August 4, 2011 at 10:16 pm

    oh man! A judge and a T&T Mom! This just made my night! It just may turn out to be a good weekend after all!

    @Chelsea, I think Em is adorable! I like the fact that you have her in Glitz but you keep her for the most part Natural. IF you wouldn’t have said that, I would have thought she went full Glitz in lastnight’s episode. I can see how the “big” hair can be Glitz, but thank you for not putting on 50 pounds of makeup on that little cuttie! I can see that she really has fun up on stage. Keep up the good work on that little girl, Em seems like a normal little 3 yr old. And by normal, I mean not a raging BRAT like some of these girls are, and by BRAT, I mean that in the nicest way possible! :)

    I guess now that I know that mom’s actually comment here, I guess I am going to have to be “nice” about what I say? I know PagMom, or is it PagRefugee(?), is on here. Has she commented on which child is hers? I would like to know, that way, I don’t offend her if I talk badly about her child….like oh I don’t know….-fill in the blank–

  26. 26
    Alison Zimmerman
    Posted August 4, 2011 at 10:24 pm

    Nevermind!! Pageatrefugee is whom I was talking about!! That other crazy was the one that went on the tirade a few weeks ago…Just joking everyone!! Forget I even asked!

    *wishes there was an edit button after you sumbit a comment!!*

  27. 27
    Marissa Barnes
    Posted August 4, 2011 at 10:34 pm

    “bitches, please think about what your kid is going to be when she grows up…hooker or CEO?”

    And this is why I love you recapping this show…that sounds just like my best friend. She is one of the snarkiest, bitchest, honest to a fault people I know. And I love her for it.

  28. 28
    pagmama
    Posted August 5, 2011 at 1:05 am

    LOVED Emerald. She’s a real beauty who loves competing. Baylin was the brat of the day. Gossip says she’s going to coach with Chloes mom? Allyson was so pretty.

    These people were BORING. Is rolling chocolate chips on the floor really the best you can do?

  29. 29
    shantigal
    Posted August 5, 2011 at 5:35 am

    Whatever you’re doing, keep it up Chelsea. Emerald is genuinely adorable and one of only a handful we’ve seen that likes the whole pageant process. Give her a high five from me. Congrats.

  30. 30
    Tonya
    Posted August 5, 2011 at 7:32 am

    Crabby, No word on Lisa, I know the productions company that produces Toddlers would love to find her!!! What a sorry person who I assume most likely changed her name and moved far far away from the pageant world. As for coming to my paegeant I got your back girl….

  31. 31
    Gypsy Rose Lee
    Posted August 5, 2011 at 8:22 am

    If there is ever a Tonya, Betty, DearCrappy outing someone better take photos and video, because it will be epic!

    Emerald isn’t that bad a name. What’s bad is my aunt who is named Ruby, has a sister named Pearl and their mother is named Opal. By complete coincidence one of her sons married a girl named Crystal. I wish I was making this up.

  32. 32
    PageantRefugee
    Posted August 5, 2011 at 10:40 am

    I haven’t watched yet, but are you sure Emerald’s family were Quaker and not Menonite?? Not long ago several members of a large family that sometimes competed in pageants were killed in a house fire. I wish I could remember more specifics…

  33. 33
    cbc-cca
    Posted August 5, 2011 at 10:43 am

    Emerald is absolutely adorable!! I found this b-day tribute on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MvatCsIPMC8 The pictures are phenomenal! Awww!!!

  34. 34
    rubinia
    Posted August 5, 2011 at 11:26 am

    @PageantRefugee, Emerald’s mom stated that the family was Quaker at the beginning of the ep.

    @Tonya: You’re hilarious and awesome!

  35. 35
    Tapnfeet99
    Posted August 5, 2011 at 12:08 pm

    Lol I totally noticed that Tonya’s eyes looked fairly normal this time and thought her thyroid meds were preventing the exophthalmos lol

  36. 36
    Wilma Fengherdu
    Posted August 5, 2011 at 3:54 pm

    I rarely get all squishy over little kids, but little Emmy was so cute and really truly enjoying herself, I just wanted to pinch her – great job, Mom and Dad!

    And way to flatline on stage, Baylen – I know it’s not her fault, she’s being forced to do something she has absolutely no interest in. But don’t lose hope, Stage Mom – she has full potential to pull the “Ultimate Playground Bully” title.

    I want an invitation to the Tonya/Betty/DearCrabbyfest!!!

  37. 37
    Bluedog
    Posted August 5, 2011 at 8:41 pm

    Please let me know when the Tonya, Betty, Dear Crabby shots, beer,shots, beer, shots, beer and more shots is. I’ll fly over for it. You three (and Isabella’s mum) are the ones I most want to meet when I come to America. Tonya please, please, please can I be a judge at one of your pageants???????????

  38. 38
    Alice
    Posted August 6, 2011 at 10:41 am

    Well, crap. I didn’t know that people from the T&T episodes were actually going to come here and post. And I REALLY hate it that they’re likeable. Sorta knocks the snarkiness right out of me.

  39. 39
    Fan-Ann
    Posted August 6, 2011 at 11:16 am

    Get a hold of yourself Alice! Remember our mission! Snark or die! (Well, maybe not die, and I agree Tonya is cool) **straightens shoulders, takes deep breath** I promise to make fun and otherwise insult delusional reality bitches with abandon, so help me flipit.

  40. 40
    Alice
    Posted August 6, 2011 at 12:33 pm

    Wow, thanks, Fan-Ann, for throwing cold water in my face…that was close!
    I was about to watch something with Sally Fields in it but I’m ok now.

  41. 41
    fatgirlsrule
    Posted August 6, 2011 at 4:17 pm

    did anyone think that Beth (Baylens Mom) looked like Carrie Underwood?

  42. 42
    Jazzy
    Posted August 6, 2011 at 6:36 pm

    Bluedog – great idea!!! She should have a pageant and pick us as the judges. We could it – we’ve watched enough of these shows!

    Fatgirls – YES! the whole time I was watching this epi, I kept trying to figure out who she reminded me of!

  43. 43
    Donna
    Posted August 10, 2011 at 8:19 pm

    Just watched episode 9. I feel so bad for the mom of Isabella. That sweet liitle girl is just not pageant material. She was lucky to get princess. Maybe mom wants the crown.

  44. 44
    lebezel
    Posted August 20, 2011 at 6:27 pm

    That little girl:”Baylen” is a very disturbed child. On second viewing of that dangerously tragic ego destroying child beauty pageant I realized that Baylen is mentally ill. And that will only continue keeping all those who aren’t capable of seeing something so obviously apparent in desperate need of attention ASAP is going to evolve into something so far out of hand that any help will be of no use, it’ll be too late. I don’t know how something so obvious is just passed over. All one has to witness is the look in that little girls eyes and her entire comportment is that of someone who’s just not balanced mentally. Wake up people!! For that woman, I don’t know her name, it’s the blond who seems to be the biggest advocater of this gold mine for her actually allows her scheme to overlook something as serious as this is, speaks volumes of how greedy she is. Chooses to remain blind at the expense of ignorant people. Unless she is the most ignorant of all??? And wil victimize anyone, just anyone including those who are mentally in need of a head Dr.?

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