Get in line.
Gasmii, hooooly shit on this Toddlers & Tiaras episode! The good part? The kids and their moms were really great overall…the moms were the anti-last-episode-moms in that they were friends and supported each other and even wished the best for each other’s kids. Nice change of pace. The kids were also pretty good and funny. The bad part? This episode made the Midwest look like a bastion of money-wasting hillbillies, fatties, illiterates, and puppy-mongers. Along with all of you, I HATE when they give puppies away, that is wrong, wrong, WRONG! I wish the pageant directors would just knock that shit off!
First up is 8 year old Jacy who is this episode’s crazy spazmo. She is all over the place, full of sugared-energy and the ability to flop around instead of practicing. Mom does her best to get her to focus but sometimes it’s an uphill battle. At the pageant, Jacy ends up being late to beauty, which as we all know is supposed to be a death-knell. For such a spastic kid, she really pulls it together onstage. The transformation is almost amazing if it hadn’t been a wee bit spooky. That’s a lot of pressure on one little kid.
Next up is the unfortunately named Daisey Mae – I shit you not – Daisey Mae. Daisey Mae. This kid is one of 8 kids – mom brought some, dad brought some and they had some together. Their house is hardly the Brady Bunch as Carol never would have let it get that out of control, messy or noisy. Also, there are 7 billion people in the world. How about reigning in the need to breed just because you can? Daisey Mae is actually a very cute kid but intense…I see ulcers in her future, she is just that intense. And her comment that facial beauty is the most important thing in the world is scary. Hope she’s doing well in science and math at school, because that stuff is more important than beauty (except calculus, I mean really!).
Last contestant is Bridgett who wants to be an exterminator when she grows up. Unfortunately, she enjoys killing the good things in life – worms, bees and grasshoppers – although I did enjoy when she said she’d like to kill Justin Bieber, which, don’t we all at some point? She’s kind of funny and is very focused on winning that puppy. Me no likey that part.
All girls are coached by Katie’s Kuties, and Daisey Mae does it by Skype because she’s 6 hours away from her coach. Or, you could just use that money for your other 7 kids and their needs. Alaska makes her appearance quite a few times in this episode, so I’m sure it’s just a matter of time before we’re stuck with Alaska’s World, following Eden’s World every week. Yeesh. And folks, spoiler alert – I will be getting my total bitch on with this episode, particularly when it comes to the puppy. Okay, maybe that’s not a spoiler alert as much as a warning. Or what usually happens anyway.
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