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Hoooly shit, this was a great episode of Toddlers & Tiaras and had so much to make fun of I actually needed migraine pills when I was done watching because the jokes came just that fast Thatswhatshesaid! Where to begin?
Well, we’re mostly in Georgia and folks, I weep for the future AND the present. You think Candy-Ass butchered the English language, THESE PEOPLE all needed captioning at one time or another (and I actually had to turn mine on because I couldn’t understand what half these toothless, blubbery hilljacks were saying to the camera.
Let’s start with Laci, our diva-licious little brat who screams like a horror-movie victim and really does not like pageants if her behavior at them is any indication. She gets pissed at her mother for telling her not to squirm around too much, then “disappears” (why would you let a little girl get away from you at a beauty pageant?). Turns out she went to granny to tell her to get her mother to treat her better. Oh, she does, when she tries to safety-pin RAW MEAT (is that venison?) to a bikini (so they could use less meat than Lady Gaga’s dress). Unfortunately, the meat is cold, bloody and “touching” Laci, so they change costumes, put her in a Total Package Glitz Coffin™ and put her onstage where she rolls out of the coffin and does a half-assed routine. Sucks to be you.
Our stripper-in-training-because-of-her-name Heaven is pretty cute, does a great job, but the real treat is her parents who couldn’t form a grammatically correct sentence if they tried. From, “I’m gonna stick you,” (beat you with a stick) to “She done it but good,” it’s hard to believe these people could even find jobs. The upside to this family is that they really love their kid and it’s very obvious they enjoy pageants, are not super-crazy in their pursuit of a crown.
But the best part of the show is Alana and her crazy-ass extreme couponing mother June. We meet them as they are throwing tons of paper towels and toilet-paper at each other, mostly because the quantity they have in their kitchen is smothering them. June says she extreme coupons to save money for pageants – hey, more power to ya. When you walk out of a store with $300 worth of stuff for twenty seven cents, that’s actually amazing. Of course, will you need 500 pounds of cumin? I’m not so sure. Speaking of 500 pounds, June may not be jackin’ it to diabetes like Connie from last week…because June is diabetes’ MOTHER SHIP. God, the amount of burn victims that quantity of flappin’ skin is infinity.
Alana is absolutely hilarious, totally looks like a flapper from the 1930s and says “Honey Boo-Boo Child!” a couple of times. She also has a meltdown when her mother yells at her, does a Daisy Duke and makes faces with her bare belly (you can hear the production team cracking up when she makes her belly button “talk”), and talks about winning MOOOOOONNNNNEEEYYY through the whole thing.
**SPOILER ALERT** if I can still remember from this morning (work is really getting in the minicap way today, dammit)…Alana’s family is absolutely thrilled – and I’m not kidding – about her winning third runner up. That’s like when the supreme pizza arrives at your house and all the cheese is stuck to the cardboard lid and that stupid plastic thing in the middle is missing. But they said it’s better than last time when she only got a participation award (is that China laughing? Because watch out for the forthcoming tsunami, West Coast!). Laci wins Supreme Personality which is just a way to say she’s fat, and Heaven wins ultimate supreme (was it grand? Did they have a grand? Man, I really need to stop drinking at work). Anyway, there were so many wonderful things about this episode, I can’t wait to recap.
Until then check out the previous full recaps and minicaps – and the crazy pageant parents who test us! To get the funniest quotes from TVgasm recaps as they’re posted, follow us on Twitter or like our Facebook page! You can post your favorite lines right back at us. Thanks for being here!