Toddlers & Tiaras: Oms, Gnomes and Go Home

Ah, the show that keeps on giving!  Toddlers & Tiaras is back with a vengeance and we’re going to have a good time with this one.  This episode gives us the “Darling Divas:  New York” pageant with somewhat bratty kids (and somewhat not) and completely delusional mothers.  And really, isn’t that what these recaps are about – the mothers?

 Looks nice but she’s in pageant so the crazy gene is in there somewhere.

Pageant Director Cheryl Williams seems like a nice lady as she says the theme of their New York pageant is “New York, New York,” and she can’t wait to see how the kids interpret this pageant.  Well, one interpreted by dressing like a radioactive Statue of Liberty.  So basically, the kids this pageant are color blind.

“I think New Jersey and New York get a bad rap for attitude,” she says.  I would kind of agree with that – the few times I’ve been to New York, people were very nice.  But maybe they were other Midwestern tourists who just knew their way around, who knows.  “The moms come with a vengeance, they come to prove themselves.”  Yuuup.  And there’s really our thesis.

“I think pageants can bring out ugliness,” she says, “because it’s a competition.”  Yes, it’s most excellent when beauty pageants bring out ugliness.  She says if being on top means stepping on someone else, people will do that.  Sadly, you do see those same people when you inevitably head back down, so you  may want to wear slippers while doing that “stepping on.”

First up in NY,NY, at the LaGuardia Plaza Hotel, we meet our southern belle peaches and cream – Paisley, 3, the girl we met when her mother dressed her as Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman and people said she looked like a “prosti-tot.”  Heh.  I honestly was disappointed it wasn’t worse, and come on – it was about a hooker with a heart of gold!  Not a skank.  Although she did sleep with people for money. Anyway, I think we’ve all seen other costumes that caused waaay more concern.

Paisley asks us if we want to have a tea party then says she can sing what I’m going to assume she says is a “Booger Song.”  Then she breaks into an incomprehensible song that is clearly going to become a karaoke hit based on the crown going over each word they have to caption.

Because “You’re The One That I Want” is a duet. 

Paisley bangs on the piano (lucky people in the rooms around them!) and mom Wendy says, “I played church piano when I was 11 years old.”  Wendy, nobody cares.  “I love living vicariously through my three-year-old daughter,” she says.  See?  This is why so many married men have affairs and why so many women are so damn boring at parties – they don’t have their own lives.  Somewhere Oprah’s OWN network just rolled over in its soon-to-be grave.  Mothers of the world, please keep your personalities!  You probably used to be interesting people!  Don’t lose that!  ZZZZZZZZ.

Wendy tells Paisley if she wins this pageant, it will be her 50^th.  Dad says, “Will there be a break after that?”  Wendy says no and dad Scott interviews that the famous magic words are, “But I love it, daddy!”  He says, “That’s it…it’s over.”  Aww, spoken like a true dad.  I’m cutting some slack on this one because I’m sure I’ve used that more than once.  A day.

Wendy says that although Paisley has competed in 60+ pageants, it was the Pretty Woman costume that put her on the map.  Wendy loves Julia Roberts and thought it would be funny to do, and people had a fit.  You know, looking at that costume again, it is really tame compared to some of the hoochie outfits these parents put together for their kids.  She dressed her as Pretty Woman, not Pretty Baby, let’s all calm the hell down.  It was a romantic comedy, not a documentary.

In fact, the biker-themed outfit they have for her for this pageant is TONS more slutty, like Jesse James might come knocking slutty – fishnets over her exposed belly and a skirt that she tears off (she takes her clothes off!) to show on leg in a pant and one leg in a thigh-high stocking held up by look like garters.  NOW she’s being sexualized.

Yes, much less prosti-tot-ish.

Wendy says it’s very intimidating for them to come out of Georgia and go to New York – no shit – but guess who is making it a smooth transition?  Agent Blake!  Who just left Georgia about a week before Paisley did.  He was one of the judges in a previous episode.

“I’m Blake Woodruff, one of New York City’s top talent managers,” he says without his nose miraculously growing so fast it hits the cameraman and blinds him.  Yeah, dude?  Top talent managers aren’t out at the freakin’ LaGuardia Plaza Hotel for any reason.  Not even to bang a cheap hooker.  So I’d be real careful about parading around your experience as if it actually existed.

 No, seriously, I was voted Top Ten by Talent Managers Monthly, a magazine I just started!

Blake says they met about a year ago and that she was getting some media, so it was his job to turn her into a brand and superstar.  Yeah, it was your job to get her that media in the first place, but way to ride the prosti-tot bandwagon, Skippy.  “A Georgia peach is taking over the Big Apple,” Paisley says.  So much fruit, right Blake?

Over in Johnston, Rhode Island, we meet five-year old Isabella and her Housewives of New Jersey mother Susanna who I find could be normal but then…she’s barely rooted in reality.  That must be hard sitting on that fence.  And painful.

“My dauhhhter Isabella and I put the IT in Italian,” Susanna says.  You also seem to put the H in a lot of words too.  I bet you could turn back time if you said Wheat Thins to Baby Stewie.

And if she doesn’t win, I’ll put the BULLET into all of you.

Susanna says that people told her that Isabella has some kind of “IT” factor – you mean like the “IT” in Italian?  Maybe that’s what they meant.  “She’s not a phenomenal singer, phenomenal dancer, she’s just always been outspoken, like an actress.”  Or a poorly behaved child, more like.

Okay, I’ll admit it.  Adorable.  Just dine elsewhere. 

Isabella is a cute kid – blonde and blue-eyed and is very enthusiastic when she talks.  “My pageant dress cost $5,000!” she says.  Oh now I want her to shut up.  $5,000?

Susanna says they don’t scrimp on anything when it comes to pageants.  Hope they don’t when it comes to college, because by the time she gets there, $5,000 will probably only cover one semester’s worth of books.  Susanna claims they’ve spent $40,000 in the past 8 months.  Which means they’ve spent $80,000.

“And we know you’re going to win the…crrrrooooowwwn,” she says, trying to get Isabella’s attention.  She asks Isabella to do that but Isabella still has some dignity left, so she doesn’t do it quite right.  Her mother does it again so Isabella can imitate her and Isabella’s face is priceless…a mix of wanting to please her mother yet at the same time totally embarrassed for how her mother just acted.  Just wait until your teen years.

 Really?  We’re doing this?

In Plainfield, New Jersey, we meet the word “Oooommmmmm” being hummed by a two-headed creature under a blanket.  No, wait, it’s just future Nailz salon receptionist because of her name Shian, 8, and current Nailz salon receptionist, mom Trisma.  She probably should look into a wig consultant, because something ain’t right with the Raquel Welch she has on her head right now.

 Do we call India or Child Protective Services on this complaint?

I do think it’s cool they meditate and do visualizations – that was big for Tiger Woods, too, until he got his wood caught in a vise.  But visualization is important.  You know what else is?  Practicing.  “Let’s think about how you are going to walk,” Trisma says.  Or…you can actually practice walking.  “When we meditate, we come into our alter egos.”  WTF?

 And how serious can you be with that hairline?

Trisma, having never read any recaps, says she doesn’t think the pageant moms are crazy.  Instead, she says they are “passionate pageant moms.”  Hey, as long as the restraining orders still work, I’m okay with that.

“My mom is a crazy pageant mom,” Shian tells us.  If she were a GOOD pageant mom, she’d be whipping out the ShamBrow™ on most of your forehead.

Seriously, are those going to be Monarch butterflies or freakin’ Mothra?

Back in Rhode Island, Isabella says she likes to practice for pageants because it’s fun.  Clearly, something is wrong with her because we rarely hear that from a pageant kid.  Coach Kristina is working with her but it’s pretty clear Susanna is really into it too – she should probably consider competing on her own.  She’s also very particular on how Isabella does – asks her to do things over and over and over again.  Or…YOU could compete.

 Well, she might be Goodfella but not a Greatfella right now.  Do it again!

Susanna admits the first time they attended a pageant they had no clue and “took some criticism for it.”  But once she learned how to play the game, she “learned how to play it well.”  Or you just used the IT in Italian and had the critics stereotypically mafia-killed.

Coach Kristina and Susanna give her so many instructions at once, it’s no wonder Isabella is kind of all over the place.  Also?  Let the coach COACH!  That must be infuriating to have the parent there ordering the kid around while you are trying to coach her.

Susanna says Isabella’s biggest competition is Paisley because she is “known in the system.”  The penal system from her days as a prosti-tot?  She says, however, that putting your kid onstage and painting them as a prostitute is simply going too far.  Whereas paying $5,000 for one dress with 3,000 crystals is totally sane.

She asks Isabella to high-five her and the kid can’t do even that, so she has to get a running start and do it.  Expectations set just right.

Back in Plainfield, Trisma says that to get ready for pageants, “they” run, exercise, watch what “we” eat, yet all we see is Shian running with a dog too little to really run and Trisma screaming at her to run/jog/whatever while she really doesn’t exercise herself.  It’s that typical “We” that people become – couples, families, etc. – when they totally and completely lose themselves in others.  I hate that shit.

 I’m sorry, WHO needs to exercise?

“People just think that the girls just walk, then walk off there…no.  They have to be able to hold up the dresses, which is weight,” Trisma says.  Which is WTF in my opinion.  “They have to be in good shape to do the talent.”  What I don’t see is Shian doing any talent or walking practice.  Like this stuff is going to automatically make her know how to walk from one X to the other or know how to do her talent…which I don’t even think is a category (or one that we actually see).

Mom makes her run, run stairs, do sit ups, run some more…while never working out herself.  And folks, those tattoos are large because Trisma is large.  If anyone in that family needs to work out…

What else have they practiced?  Buying dresses.  Trisma bought 12 dresses for this pageant because she wasn’t sure which dress she’d wear.  She spent $12,000 on dresses and whispers, “Oh my God, he’s going to kill me.”  She was supposed to purchase a new fence because their dog keeps getting out, but instead she purchased 12 dresses.  Trisma says it’s her retirement fund.

“It’s better to enjoy money than just stare at it,” Trisma says.  I would agree if you had EXTRA around.  But staring at a 401(k) that is growing is better than staring down the barrel of melting into a bed at 90 because you didn’t have anyone around to you know, turn you.  But at least you’ll have pretty dresses covered in dust to look at.

 Also, that $12,000 looks very flammable.

Shian says that if she wins money, she’ll spend it on fixing their fence.  So there is hope.

Hey!  It’s the Glitz Girl Collection!  And what is that?  It’s the jewelry collection that Susanna has put together under her daughter’s name.  She says SHE has no way to brag about Isabella or her ACCOMPLISHMENTS because she can’t wear her sashes or crowns (not to say that she doesn’t try them on in the middle of the night!), so they developed a bracelet that she can fill up with charms of her wins.

“Can you say bling bling?” Susanna asks her.  “Can you do it again?” she says.  “Can you do it right?” she asks.  Can you say therapy therapy?

Back in New York, Paisley and her family and their credit cards stop by LOL Kids, a boutique just for kids!  Blake tells us it’s “one of the top, most exclusive European children’s boutiques in New York City,” meaning it’s not, he’s just getting a kickback.  And judging by the hot mess of a website they have (hint:  use spell-check, webmaster, it’s shopping, not shoppimg), they really are exclusive in their idiocy.

Blake says his friend Stacy, “one of the top child stylists here” pulled Paisley a wardrobe for her week in New York.  First of all, child stylist?  Kill me now if this is a real job.  Second?  Get the second mortgage paperwork going, Dad, you guys feel for this hook, line and sinker and this one isn’t going to be cheap.  Third, the slight head-bob Blake has should probably be fixed before he becomes one of NY’s “top 10 talent managers with Parkinsons.”

“I’m here to help her get a more New York City, high-fashion, celebrity kid-type look,” Stacy says through very weird mouth movements.  Is she high?

Or is she just one second away from meowing? 

She pulls stuff out and Paisley says she loves it…loves it…loves it…then, “No, I don’t like that.”  Blake says that Paisley is pretty conservative and is more like  Jackie-O than a Marilyn.  Are you freakin’ kidding me?  She’s three.  She’s more like a Garanimals than an Oilily.

“I’m the boss,” she interviews.  Then for no comprehensible reason, she says, “Everybody scream!” and SHE DOES!  Oh, sound people, I’m so sorry for the instant deafness but it must come as some relief.  Then they show her in all her new outfits and what music is playing?  Special hugs and kisses to the production company for the Pretty Woman-type music.  Seriously, XOXO.  That was a nice touch.  Also, that last outfit?  Less NY high fashion and more Freulein Maria in the Abbey.  Good one, child stylist.

 And it looks like this nun can fly!

Over at Sky Nails, Shian and Trisma show up to get gels put on Shian’s newbie fingers.  The nail tech says they don’t recommend putting gel tips on young fingers because apparently this place cares about children’s nail health.  Shian sighs heavily and her mother says, “You wanted tips, huh?” Yes, probably because that’s what you promised her.  She tells her next time and says, “It wouldn’t be good if mommy did something to destroy your nails.”  Correct.  Good mother.  But Shian is pissed.

However, I must have one of these and I don’t want to steal it from the Thai place.

As soon as they walk out the door, Shian totally loses her shit and cries.  Baby!  Trisma asks her if she wants to get out of the pageant because of this and she sort of nods yes.  “Okay, do you want tips on?” Trisma asks her.  Duh!  That’s what she said!  “Would that make you happy?”  Oh, of course.  Whatever makes her happy is the important thing.

 Gel nail meltdowns are really runny.

They walk back into the salon and ask for the tips.  Because it really doesn’t matter if mommy destroys her nails.  “Her happiness is first,” she says.  “Her being sad would have done more damage in the long run.”  No, I think the drilling off of the top layer of her nails so she can have fake ones put on is probably going to do more long-term damage, but that’s just me and the nail techs.  So whatever.  Instant gratification and happiness is much more important.

“Her spirit would have been stepped on and I don’t want her spirit ever hindered for any reason,” Trisma says.  Methinks Shian has a rough life ahead of her full of disappointments thanks to Lawnmower Mom.

OMG!  Pageant day!  Screams!  And a foam core cutout of New York City and the Statue of Liberty falls over in the HVAC breeze of Meeting Room C at the LaGuardia Plaza Hotel!

I could’ve been Imus in the Morning, but several bad decisions have landed me here instead.

The emcee welcomes everyone and we hear from Pageant Director Cheryl that the competition is going to be – say it with me Gasmii – FIERCE!  Because why?  Everyone wants to win the ultimate grand supreme artisian deep-dish that CANNOT be added to, dammit.  And then we see footage of some poor girl who should probably start looking at shotput sloppily sliding into the splits, sort of banging her knee and finally getting there.  So she’ll be working the pole at the place outside the truck stop.

 Time to find another hobby, honey.

Director Cheryl runs through the competition and mentions she first met Shian at the summer competition and admits, “She wasn’t that strong.”  Did we see her practice even once?  Then Trisma and Shian walk into the closing doors on the elevator.  Wow, quick reflexes, those two.

Here come Isabella and her mother and damn are they loud!  You know those marble, glass and mirrored lobbies just echo, don’t you?  And if not, how are your eardrums not bleeding?

And finally we see Paisley drive up in her little electric car that has the license plate “Peppermint Paisley” and I’m just wondering if someone is going to come flying into the pull-up area and squash her under some horrible stretch Hummer.

 And you know I’m behind her in the fast lane!

Paisley is getting her hair and makeup done and is a really good kid about it.  She pretty much is overall a good kid outside of the incessant screaming.  She loves her Lee Press-On nails.  Wendy’s big concern is how different the Yankees are at these pageants than the southern belles, and competing on a system “we know nothing about.”  Yeah, they are pretty much the same all over, except at LaGuardia they will cut you if you beat them!

But my wifi comes through my rollers, I can’t take them out! 

Susanna says, “I’m going to need a Diva Queen Check in a few minutes,” and then she yells, “DIVA QUEEN CHECK” and Isabella YELLS, “DIVA QUEEN!” and even Susanna is scrunching her nose like, “Wow…too loud,” which is really saying something.  Isabella says she’s going to beat Paisley.  We’ll see.

 I don’t understand why you are so DAMN LOUD.

Putting Isabella’s dress on, her mother says, “Don’t move!  This is the most impohhhrtant pahhhrt.”  Then she interviews that “as the matriarch of the family, I have to keep everything in check.”  Yes, that’s in The Matriarch Handbook:  Diva Version.

Isabella asks her mother why she’s so worried and Susanna whinnies like Fran Drescher and says, “Because this has to be perfect.”

Trisma wakes up and is a hot mess – seriously, woman, did you not know the production crew was coming by?  Hope they had time to digest their breakfast because otherwise it’s coming up.  OMG, she actually interviews in her hot mess attire telling us her morning has been very crazy.  No, I think you are just running late.  “I haven’t meditated so everything is chaotical a little bit.”  Did she really just say that?  And everyone in the room is telling her to get dressed, get ready…she must have overslept because hello.

 AAAAAACCCCCKKKKK!  How many lenses cracked because of this?

Shian starts to freak out because there are bunch of screaming women all doing stuff with her and screaming at her mother and suddenly it’s a Cops episode and poor Shian breaks down crying because IT’S JUST TOO MUCH.

“I thought we had more time but it’s really going faster than I thought it would,” Trisma says.  Yeah, life is like that.  Especially when you wake up late and for Christ’s sake, do you not have another wig you can put on?  One that is clean?  And COMBED?

 Honestly, a brush, a mirror and 60 seconds, that is ALL we are asking.

Shian is getting more nervous and starts crying, and interviews that was the worst part of the day.  Aww.

And who punched this poor kid?  The makeup artist? 

First up is the Doll Division.  Oooh…long dress instead of cupcake!  Points off, whoever you are!  Oh, and this kid was a riot…Chastity (although later it sounds like the emcee says Chasity…so who knows).  Great name, I’m sure no one will make fun of her all the way not to the CEO’s office.  Her hair is in her face and is straight at a stick pin and I’m guessing she woke up late, and the emcee says she has a very comical personality.  She’s being escorted onto the stage but is really too old for that…wait, is there something going on with that kid?  Like seriously, is she differently-abled in some way?  Because if that’s the case, I’m an asshole.  If it’s just poor prep, than I’m sliding the asshole title over to her family.

 Ummmm…huh….does the caller have a question?

And in true Paisley form, she’s about to go on and she has to GO TO THE BATHROOM!  She really needs a box of Oops I Crapped My Pants for these trips, she always waits until the critical moment to have to go.  Seriously, kid, accumulate your fecal matter.  Literally AND figuratively.

 Shocker.

Dad tells the helper lady behind the stage and they both ask her to hold it.  Because 3 year olds have that much control.  Jesus, are they NEW?  So Dad runs her into the bathroom, wrings her out as fast as he can while her name is being called, and dramatic music plays.

They call her name again and no Paisley – but wait!  Here she comes!  Because there she went!  She gets onstage and phew – crisis and mops averted!  She is a cute kid but she sure as hell could smile more.  Her unique feature?  She’s 37 inches tall and her hair is 22 inches long…and her favorite color is rainbow. Just like Blake!

 How about a smile for this $10,000 trip?

Blake clichés his way through the next 30 seconds, saying, “Paisley’s rocking it out!  Who’s everyone here to see?  Paisley!  Who’s the celebrity?  Paisley!  She’s a superstar and it’s her time to shine!  Everyone else needs to move to the side!”  Is his commission based on number of words he uses?

Susanna continues to wind herself up from crazy to batshit by giving Isabella A LOT of last-minute advice including looking at each judge and saying in her head, “I’m pretty…I’m pretty…I’m pretty.”  You’re insane…you’re insane…you’re totally freakin’ insane.

“Beauty is not her strongest,” Susanna admits.  So beauty isn’t her thing, she can’t sing or dance.  I’m sorry, why the hell is she in beauty pageants instead of running after greased pigs?  Help me out here.

Now it’s the Tiny Division…man, these kids are small.  Isabella gets onstage and is okay – kind of stiff, blinking a leeeetle too much…but she is a really pretty kid.  That dress is really sparkly with its 3,000 crystals!

Hope they aren’t blood crystals.

Susanna said she NAILED beauty.  Well, okay.

One of the girls is walking across the stage with no sense of where the stage or her ego ends, and almost falls off, it’s actually kind of funny, and then instead of rebounding the poor kid is smiling while tears come down her face and she completely falls apart.  Yeah, you need to save that for when you get OFF the stage.

 Oops…

…followed by meltdown.  Snort.

So Shian has like 500 women in her face giving her instructions and I’m thinking…how about practicing next time?  She looks so worried, like she’s going to throw up, and they keep saying, “You know how to model, you love modeling…”  Uh, has she practiced this walking?  Practiced how to step and look at the judges?

Then do THIS and THAT and THE OTHER ALL AT ONCE, okay? 

Shian gets onstage and does an okay job considering her heart is probably in her throat.  She is not very enthusiastic but she looks better than I thought she would have.  One of the judges says “she has a lot of spark” but she doesn’t…but she didn’t fall apart either and it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.

 And she’s really working that bruise.  It’s like she’s channeling Rhianna.

New York Style category…so let’s see how this hot mess plays out.  Oh, there is Chastity with a frown, hair in her face, a sparkly off-center headband and an I-Heart-NY t-shirt.  Enjoy your participation prize, but kudos to actually participating.  That must have almost killed you.  Wait, did he just call her Chasity now?  Jesus, pick a name.  Or a pronunciation.  I’m not sure who to blame here.

 This is just sad…and the person who made her compete should be kicked in the nads.

Blake is saying Paisley looks like Carrie from Sex in the City, but face it, she really looks like a Samantha post-sex.  “She is in Samantha mode,” Wendy says.  I’d be a little worried about that if she were my kid.  Wendy says she knows it’s sheer in the midriff, but “hopefully people will not be calling her prosti-tot again.”  Oops, sorry Wendy.  Paisley throws something and it hits her mother right on her nose.  Ouch.

 I can’t judge…is that kid strung out?

Isabella says she’s feeling tired, so Susanna opens two full packets of sugar and pours them down her gullet.  Her logic?  Sugar is sugar but candy is a lot of other chemicals, like dextrose, fructose, glucose, lactose, levulose, maltose, saccharin, saccharose, sucrose, sweetener, xylose and that God-forsaken high fructose corn syrup.

Run for the hills, teeth!

The emcee introduces Paisley as paying tribute to Lady Gaga (is she finally dead?) and dad takes the piano onstage as Paisley drives out…and drives too close to the piano to open the door (the car is British, apparently).  So she opens the door to get out at the same time as her dad decides to pull the car backward and he almost kills her onstage.

Death IS an option!

Now that would definitely garner more than a participation award!  One of the judges says they probably could have done without the car.  Yeah, they pretty much overpropped on this one.

 Also, thanks for this shot, Blake and Honorable Production Company!

So Paisley starts her routine and it’s too much for her – she loses her smile because she’s too focused on watching her mother so she knows what to do.  One of the judges mentions this, saying Paisley had to look at her coach too much during the category.

Woo!  Work it Wendy!

Then she rips off her skirt and looks like a slut.  Nice.

 Thanks Hooky Hookerson!

Susanna says Isabella wasn’t herself after beauty and “they lost her.”  She really was kind of all over the place.  Wonder why, sugar cube?

Isabella gets onstage in a leopard print outfit, jewelry and all she did was bounce around.  It’s pretty clear she has no clue what she’s doing and she’s totally lost.  Susanna interviews it’s hard to see your kid blow it, it’s like blowing the World Series.  “It’s just so heahhhtbreaking to me,” she says, tearing up.

Maybe she was using too much energy keeping the poofy sleeve inflated?

Then she asks the production crew to give her a minute but because they love their viewers, they keep the camera on Susanna as she has to walk away and compose herself.  Heh.

 Excuse me, I need a moment to decide which foster agency to list my child with…

Susanna is such a good mom consoling Isabella who is high as a kite on sugar.  “Why would you get onstage and BLOW it like that Isabella?”  Isabella just smiles and laughs at her mother.  “WHAT HAPPENED?  Did you get nervous?”  Isabella says no.

Susanna interviews that it’s important that she let Isabella know she blew it because, “She’s here to do a job!”  Wow, really?  Because it seems like a regional pageant to me.

Susanna talks to everyone in the hotel room and says, “That wasn’t just a small blow, she totally blew the whole routine!  She blew it.  It doesn’t matter, she lost.”

 And this Sicilian thing must end!  No really, please stop this.

Some girl who is Susanna’s other daughter (probably the smart one) says she thinks her mother needs to take a step back and realize this pageant is for “Izza, it’s not for her.”  Well, there’s your problem right there.  Susanna doesn’t actually know that.  “She lost,” Susanna says once again.  Well, if you really believe that, then go home.  I mean, why bother staying, right?

Back at Crazy Central, they are stuffing Shian into a glittery red dress with tulle all over the place so she can be Diana Ross.  They shove her into a girdle AFTER the dress is on…they call it a “shaper” and say it will make her look smoother in the dress.  Shian says she’s been practicing holding her stomach in (I hear ya, but I’m over 40 and hate sit-ups), then she says that her mother puts a girdle on her when she goes to bed too.

 Where’s mommy’s little fatass?

Wow.  Way to be shaping Shian’s body image and opinion of herself.  These mothers, I just sometimes at am at a loss for words.  For about 5 seconds.  So here it goes:  YOU STUPID BITCH!  Look at what you are doing to your poor daughter!  Enjoy her eating disorder…that YOU GAVE her for the REST of her LIFE.  Hate!

But the important result…GLAM! 

They call her onstage and Shian looks really cute…however she doesn’t really have a routine down.  She just bounces all over the place, dances, then she sort of starts to sing but doesn’t.  It’s a hot mess but she’s really cute and the dress is killer.  One judge says she thought Shian looked beautiful and says she doesn’t look at the child’s shape but how pretty the child is.  Well then where are all the Grand Supreme Snausages?  Come on, you never see a fat girl win, so I’m calling bullshit on that.  Also, SHAMBROW™! 

Trisma says Shian nailed it.  Meh.  If she practiced or had any kind of routine, maybe.

We see a little of the judges’ conversations…they say Paisley was a diva in training (in training?) but she didn’t smile a lot…Isabella’s energy dropped in the cheetah outfit…and Shian made sure she made eye contact, she smiled, they loved her red dress, but they felt she was also reserved and needed more confidence.  Yeah, she needs a routine.

One judge says it was really difficult to judge this competition.  Really?  I had noooo problem judging this pageant.  None.  At all.  It’s a gift, really.

Crowning!  Doll Division first…Paisley doesn’t want mom to go with her.  Well, fine!  They hand out “Metro Cards” to the girls who get picked to move to the next level – cute idea.  Then stupid dad Scott says he was totally confused about the Metro cards and had no idea what they were and that their hairstylist had to tell them that if they got a Metro card they pulled for a higher title.  How did he not understand that, that is EXACTLY what the emcee just said.

So yes, Paisley gets a Metro card.  Got that dad?  It’s a good thing.  Blake almost gets a woody he’s so excited.

Whoa – he’s married, Blake!

Tiny Division next…now Susanna just wants to make sure Isabella goes home with a crown.  Did she participate?  Then yes, she will.  Isabella gets a Metro card.  “She got a Metro cahhhrd so she supremed, I can’t even believe it.”  Yes, we know you thought she…how did you put it?  BLEW IT.

Petite 2 Division, including Shian is next…and Shian gets one!  Good for her.  So everyone with a Metro card goes onstage for a some kind of supreme title.

Is this the same girl as before?  Because she seems to have issues.

Mini-Supreme…not our girls!  Petite 2 Division…Shian!  So she won a division supreme title, which is that like queen of the division?

Actually not to bad for someone who lip-sync’d like shit.

I actually think that is pretty good considering she really had no routine and didn’t practice and her eyebrows seriously could cover the state of New York, but her mother focuses on something much more stupid.

 Rut-roh.

Trisma complains that there are 14 contestants in Shian’s division when there are supposed to be 7.  Maybe that’s why there was a Petite 2 division?  Because they divide the 14 into 2 separate divisions?  Well Trisma is pissing and moaning about it and she says Shian’s odds were lost.  So she complains.  “I don’t like cheaters.  That’s cheating.”  Oh, here we go.  The hair and makeup people said they totally got it and that Trisma should be happy, but whatever.

Supreme Casual Wear is Paisley.  Wendy says she was happy with that but she had wished for Ultimate Grand Supreme with double cheese and sausage.

 This is my 50th crown, bitches!

“I think we definitely showed New York what a Georgia peach can do,” Blake says.  Yes, she can win in a casual wear category of a regional beauty pageant.  And of course they show Paisley picking her nose, scratching her brain while doing it, looking at it hard once she retrieves it, and wiping it on her t-shirt.  God I’m glad I don’t have kids.

 The pick…par for the course

The inspection.

The removal of evidence.

Beauty Supreme is…Isabella!  Who blew it only moments ago!  “I won three hundred dohhhllars!” she says.  Ack!  Susanna says basically Isabella beat everyone.  Except the girl who won Ultimate Grand, I’m guessing.  Hope she comes back and says to her mother, “In your face, bihhhhtch.”  Actually, Susanna tries to hug her and Isabella pushes her away.  Good one, kid.

 Oh, way to go, LOSER.

“Pageants can pave her way to a bigger role in something else…a jewelry line, a candy line or even painting her drive to succeed.”  You could have also said, “Hosting an entertainment show, hosting an entertainment online show, hosting E! News Daily, hosting American Idol and at this point, hosting any previously highly-regarded news program in America, Today Show I’m looking in your direction.

 I didn’t overreact, waddyatalkin’bout?

Trisma is pissing and moaning that the pageant was rigged.  Shian says, “My mom’s a crazy pageant mom” again, adding, “She’s freaking out.”

Still happy, I see.

And Trisma goes right up to Director Cheryl and Cheryl tells her they had a lot of entrants in that age group and tries to explain to the increasingly nutty Trisma that it’s a competition.  Also?  They are never going to turn pageant mom money away.  It’s like it grows on trees or something.

 Your daughter won, so I’m not sure what your problem is…constipation?

Trisma says because of this, she might take a break from pageants.  Spoken like a quitter.

 What the shit is going on HERE?  Is that Dhani Jones?  His Tackling the Globe really had some budget cuts!

Wendy says she can’t wait to see what’s next for Paisley because she’s had offers to do modeling jobs.  Yes, I’m sure flying between Georgia and New York for catalog modeling is going to be cost-effective.  Then she says, “Hooker Mom is ready to go home!”  Ha!  Wendy, you are so not the tight-ass you seemed to be in the last episode.  That was HILARIOUS.

Blake says they are looking to put Paisley in Fashion Week (of what year?) and she has some endorsement deals (from…Gatorade?).  “The Apple?  Get ready…because here comes Paisley!”

Next week?  Sisters we’ve seen before viciously competing and our good friend Pageant Director Maxine, only with straight hair.  Hey, don’t ignore the curls!  They were cute.  See you next week.