Toddlers & Tiaras Recap: Chubby Chasing

Toddlers and Tiaras

By DearCrabby | Monday, January 30, 2012 | 7:30 pm | 86 Comments

Toddlers & Tiaras “Glitzy Divas” episode is another Crown Beauties National Pageant, with a lot of delusional moms, bored daughters and slow pageant judges – seriously, how hard is it to add up scores, morons?  Calculators.  They’re what you use so everyone can get to dinner.

Every time, people, I swear.

Pageant Director Bonnie Crow talks about “glitz and glam to the max” and “total package” and “no fatties.”

Have you looked in the mirror lately, Bonnie?  Of course, I guess you are too busy running the pageant to participate in it.

 “When they are a little bit overweight, that’s not going to cut it,” Bonnie says.  “You don’t want to see a chubby child onstage.”  Yeah, I don’t want to see kids, period.  Then she uses “to the max” again.  Bonnie.  It’s 2012.  Please leave “to the max” back in the grody 80s.

A little bit of weight or pigs in a blanket?

“Parents sink a lot of money into pageants.  It’s not a hobby for the poor,” she says. Then stop preying on them!  Jesus, Bonnie makes me want to play in traffic.


Does this bedazzled cowboy outfit make me look fat?

Let’s start this horror in Horn Lake, Mississippi, where we meet irritatingly delusional mom Jade and her hairy daughter, Adriana.  Adriana’s dad is apparently a silverback gorilla and her hair is beginning to encroach on her face bigtime.

 Adriana hates pageants so much, she’s hurling herself into traffic.

Jade asks Adriana to try on her crowns and hats and Adriana is having none of it as Jade tells us they’ve been doing natural pageants.  Once Adriana started to win, “I was hooked,” Jade says.  And to pay for it, she’s probably hooking because we all know pageants are for richies only, right Bonnie?

This isn’t how most women put their new shoes on, but how they get get them.

“I can’t stop…I think it’s more me than Adriana,” Jade says, as Adriana says she doesn’t want to practice.  If only these mothers put as much time and effort into themselves – I mean, most of them are the ones who want to compete, right?

 I love all Native American stuff…I’m 1/64th Cherokee, you know.  Yes…we ALL are.

The Crown Beauties pageant is a glitz pageant, and Jade says, “We have never went full glitz before, so I am very, very nervous.”  Oh, Mississippi, is grammar really that difficult to teach?

 And this insults all of us.

Now in Conway, Arkansas, with a downtown that looks like the one in the movie Sweet Home Alabama, we meet Kerry and her daughter Madi who “has reached $100,000 in winnings,” Kerry tells us.  Mmmaybe, but could we see the debits as well as the credits?  Because I really don’t think you broke even.  Just a hunch.

“Yeah, my college is already paid for,” Madi, 10, says.  So, that was all cash and it’s in the bank?  Also?  I’m glad to hear you talk about college – one of the only pageant girls we’ve seen to do so.  Phew.

Madi said she won a car but she didn’t want it so they gave her the money instead…okay, not a bad deal.  Madi tells us she has “about a-zillion” crowns, then giggles.  Some of her crowns are AMAZING but one of them is so big, you’d think it was for, well…

 

This guy.

I mean, look at it!  Size does matter.

 Kerry says that pageants are expensive but Madi usually breaks even or comes out ahead.  Again, I’d like to see the books on those financials.

Over in Crossett, Arkansas, we meet our “fatty” of the evening, Ever Rose (is she?) and mom Kayla.  Ever Rose is a cute little girl and not that big, but Kayla is obsessed with her daughter’s weight and is creating a young woman who will have body issues for the rest of her life.  THE REST OF HER LIFE, KAYLA!

Work it, sister.

Kayla, 8, says she’s been doing pageants, “Like, since I was born.”  Kayla asks Ever Rose to do her routine, which she does, then Kayla says she can do it better.  Wow, bitch.

“I just like the whole aspect of showing off your children,” Kayla says about pageants.  Personally, I prefer the whole “Children should be seen and not heard,” theory, and I’m not really that into the first part at all.

“If you win, you get to be in the newspaper.  I just think it’s all a neat concept,” Kayla finishes.  Yes, I’m sure the Crossett Gazette really goes crazy when Fatty Fat Fat-Fat who really isn’t wins a title.  That must take up all of its 8 pages of newsprint as long as someone didn’t trip on a curb by the corner market and scrape a knee.

 She might be next to Marmaduke!

Ever Rose is doing a routine in a suit and the pants are falling off, and Kayla tells us that before a pageant they start watching what they eat, “To make sure our clothes fit well,” she says.  What do you mean by “our,” woman?  You aren’t competing.

“Ever Rose does count calories…she stays around 1600 calories a day.”  I did check online, and that’s actually right for a kid her age.  Kayla says Ever Rose has lost 10 pounds and, “That’s a great thing for her.”  Well…Ever Rose says she was eating too much candy and other junk food…so, okay, I’m kind of going to let them have this one.  It really just sounds like she eats healthier, not that she’s dieting, but the counting calories is just setting her up to be on Intervention for an eating disorder.

“Sometimes I do get hungry,” Ever Rose says, downing a pizza.  Meh.

Kerry says she’d never let Madi go on a diet, but luckily the kid has a fast metabolism.  I remember those days.  Kerry tells Madi she doesn’t have curves yet and Madi says she doesn’t want them.  Uh-huh.

Then Madi starts this thing where she’s talking like an old lady, and she holds her mouth in a way so it looks like she doesn’t have any teeth.  It is kind of funny and I like the fact that she seems to have a good sense of humor and a well-rounded personality.

Back in Horn Lake, Jade explains that Adriana got a new dress and she hopes it’s not too tight.  “You eating salads, so we can fit into our dress?”  She asks Adriana.  Again with the “our.”

 Just like Scarlett O’Hara.

Jade tells us that her 4-year-old daughter has been eating salads to try to shed a few pounds.  Jade, looks like you could use a few salads yourself.  Adriana’s new dress feels “tight.”  “She’s lost four pounds already,” Jade says, laughing.  This is wrong.  WRONG!  She’s FOUR.

“I will go all the way to do whatever it takes to get her to where she needs to be,” Jade incomprehensibly says.  Seriously, what the hell does she think she’s saying?  Something profound?  Adriana just picks her nose.  I’m with ya, kid.  Much more interesting than listening to your dumbass mother.

“I would love for her to be discovered,” Jade says.  Oh, here we go with the wanting the kid to be a celebutard.  Discovered for WHAT, exactly?  She never actually says.

Jade asks Adriana to show her some pretty feet…and Adriana just wiggles one foot.  She asks for a step-step-turn, and doesn’t really get that either.  Is Adriana breathing?  “You don’t look very thrilled to be doing this,” Jade says.  Probably because your kid doesn’t really like pageants.

Jade tells us that Adriana’s favorite word is “No,” which would be mine too if I had a mother like Jade.  She says Adriana doesn’t like to practice, but she probably will with Brandi in da house!

 I am loving my childless life with my rich nerd, can’t you tell?

I’ll be damned!  Homewrecker Brandi!  Last time we saw her, she was telling one of her pageant girls to find a nerd to marry so she can have a lot of money, and she was hotting it up next to someone else’s husband.

Adriana practices with Brandi “on and off” and she, well…she sucks.  Adriana’s terrible and it’s clear she never practices.  Brandi says, “She’s still not full-out ready, as far as like top-notch glitz.”  What gave it away, when you said look at the judges and she rolled her eyes to the ceiling like they were there or tripping over her feet like Forest Gump?

Seriously, where are the judges sitting, on the ceiling?

“I believe, personally, that it is a beauty pageant,” Jade tell us, adding it’s not the one who can dance the best.  Oh, Jade, no.  It’s about the mom who can spend the most money in the overall categories.  Idiot.

Jade is concerned with the hair on Adriana’s back.  Excellent.  Brandi tells Jade not to worry about it, but admits one of the girls she used to coach had a mother who shaved her back.  “Which is crazy,” Brandi says.  Well, at least we agree on something.

Then Brandi says the stupidest thing, continuing the urban legend, “It’s just going to grow back thicker.”  NO IT IS NOT!  Jesus, if hair grew back thicker every time you shaved, women would be running around with 3” wide hair follicles.  Try to use that bleach-blonde head for something other than a scrunchie holder, Brandi.

Back in Conway, Madi is still in old-person mode as she says, “I got my gums waxed.”  Why don’t you share some of that wax with Adriana?  “I got my face waxed,” says her little brother.  Again, share share, that’s fair.

Kerry says that Madi has two little brothers and Cameron likes a lot of attention.  Why not put him in pageants too then?  Madi and Cameron leave the living room, clutching their backs, gumming their food and complaining about their rheumatism.  Again, great imaginations but a schoche irritating.

Jade tells us that the most difficult part of pageants is preparation.  Soon, it’s going to be time management.

“When it’s time to go, my little Chi-Chi likes to roll in style,” Jade says.  Oh no, it’s not another one of those stupid Hummer stretch limos, is it?

Nope.  Stay klassy!

Instead, Jade has purchased a candy-apple red limo from the 1970s, and has placed that really offensive female silhouette license plate on the front.  Wow, Jade, you normally just see those on trucks with Confederate flags, or on mud-flaps of 18-wheelers where the driver hasn’t seen his daughter in 15 years.  Why would you have that on there for your 4-year-old daughter?  Also?  It’s freakin’ tacky.

“The limo is just for pageants, that is the only time we ever use it,” Jade says.  Money well spent.  I guess I don’t really see running to the corner store for milk in this.

“We’re probably the only ones anywhere with a pageant limo for their child,” Jade says.  Actually, we’ve seen a few kids show up in pageant limos (and one private plane!), but they aren’t stupid enough to BUY the limo, they normally rent and have a driver for it.  I wonder if Jade is licensed to drive a limo?  “I feel like I’m hot stuff when I’m rolling down the street in my limo…cause I am!,” Jade says, wearing some kind of pork pie hat while she drives.  Jade, you’re only hot stuff if you are being driven somewhere, not if you’re the driver.  And buckle Adriana in!

“A spider!” Adriana says, looking at a spider on the car door.  Sigh.

Back in Crossett where people are breathing diet air, Kayla says she likes to get everyone together before a pageant to show Ever Rose support.  That’s actually pretty cool and I bet they could make great s’mores on that campfire at their party.  Not that Ever Rose could have one.

Kayla says she comes from a long line of cooks and she cooks pie and cake, which they can’t really have since, “The good stuff tends to add the weight to ya.”  I hear that.  Her cake is orange with what looks like cooked spinach all over it.

Did a baby shit all over this cake.  What is this, Top Chef?

 Kayla says before Ever Rose eats any of the pies and cakes that are made for her, Kayla asks what have they eaten today?  They only need a piece of pie, not the whole one, she tells us as we see footage of a starving Ever Rose shoveling cake into her pie hole.

 Let the binging commence…purging is for after the camp songs!

Mom says – in front of everyone, “Ever Rose, remember, this is your treat,” and she looks worried as now Ever Rose has moved over to eating pie.  Which she is now shoveling into her cake hole.

“It’s harder to be a kid when you’re carrying extra weight,” Kayla says.  Even harder with a mother that counts every damn calorie but still manages to make as many sugary desserts as possible.

Pageant day in Hot Springs, Arkansas!  Emceeing the event today is Chad “Yukon” Cornelius who looks like a pretty nice and normal guy despite his involvement with this event.

 As close to standup as this guy is ever going to come.

Bitchass Bonnie is back, making me hate her more and more.  She is SO not invited when we all go out with Annette, Betty and Tonya.  She tells us the girls have to be pretty.  “I’m sorry, this is a BEAUTY pageant,” she says.  I’m sorry you are breathing.  She tells us that girls who aren’t that pretty need to find another hobby.  Pot/kettle, you coochmonkey!

 Hatin’ on poor ugly fat kids is so, so orgasmic!

Let’s get this party started!  Kayla says Ever Rose likes to get her hair and makeup done, and I hope that’s the case because with the 400 hot rollers on her head right now she’s probably getting signals from a Japanese radio station.

 Ground control to Major Tom!

Someone comes in to see Ever Rose and asks why she’s drinking diet.  She asks Ever Rose if she wants and energy drink and Kayla says, “You know how many calories are in them thangs?”  More calories than IQ points in this room, that’s how many.  Which I guess isn’t saying much.

Adriana is getting ready and man, what a head of hair that kid has.  She’s going to be waxing her forearms before high school, let me tell you.

Jade tells us that Adriana really just turned five but since there is a 30-day fallback, she can compete with the four year old group.  “Is it cheating?  No it’s not,” Jade says, smiling, like it IS cheating.  Jade, if the rules LET you fall back, IT’S NOT.  Don’t act like you are getting away with anything, most pageants do this.  New people!

 I’m trying to klass up the joint with my dream-catcher earrings.

Oh, look, lots of Perfection Studios kids there, you can tell by the mommy t-shirts.  Speaking of oversized shirts, Jade is freaking out because they are already running late for beauty – like 40 minutes late.  Seriously?  Are you new?

They call Adriana’s group up and we see one of the first girls onstage, who the emcee tells us, “Wants to be a tax attorney.”  She’s FOUR.  How could she know what taxes are?  She’s going to be a laugh-riot in school.

Jade says, “We have to stay on top of our game and do everything right to the T.”  Could you cliché more?  She skips the elevator to take the stairs but forgets that you probably can’t get into each floor – the doors to the hotel are locked for safety reasons.  Way to stay on top of things.

“We’re here to win,” she says.  Then show up ON TIME, dumbass.

The emcee calls Adriana and she’s not even in the room yet.  He calls her again and she’s not there.

But she looks great onstage.

Finally, on call number three, she’s there.  She’s cute, but she’s very stiff and not fluid in her movements, she blinks oddly, and she kind of looks like she has to pee.  Jade says it brings tears to her eyes because Adriana is doing something, “I know I never could have done.”  No shit, you’re a hot mess.  And late!

 No, wait…here she is, blending into the background.

Madi is getting made up and she’s really spastic while they put her makeup on.  “My child hates hairspray,” Kerry says.  Madi is freaking out all over the place while they hose her with some AquaNet.  She starts making the grandma face and talking like an old person.  Exhausting.

 What are they using for hairspray, mace?

Kayla says this is the first pageant Ever Rose has done since losing 10 pounds, and of course they never checked to make sure her dress fit before leaving.  Turns out it is a leeeetle too big and very blousy.  They are trying to pin it together and need butt paste…but they don’t have any so they ask for eyelash glue.  Which apparently now comes in BIG ASS LARGE size…because that bottle is huge and has some industrial name (someone mentioned E6000) which I’m guessing is for gluing sheet metal together, not little girls and their dresses.  Now they’ve officially moved into hillbilly territory.

 Toxic super glue might make her sick enough to lose more weight!

Ever Rose gets onstage and is cute, but her smile is kind of fake and she’s not really smooth in her movements.  One pageant judge snipes that the dress was too big and another judge says Ever Rose didn’t look at the judges enough.  She just looked off.

Kind of low on energy and the “wow factor” here.  Okay, I just used “wow factor” – someone please kill me.

I can’t put my finger on it, but I have done this long enough to know…it wasn’t the WHOLE PACKAGE!  Man, I could go for a whole package of Dunkin’ Donuts right now.

 Right there with ya, kid.

Madi and Kerry have a cute conversation about being late and nervous.  Normal people do NOTHING for a recapper.  On the other hand, I love Madi’s pale pink dress with its little bolero jacket – so pretty.

 Because the butt paste will liquify!

Madi KICKS ASS onstage – she loves doing this, she’s pretty, she’s smooth and spot-on.  “When Madi grows up, she wants to be a professional cheerleader, a pageant coach or a cheer coach,” Emcee Yukon says.  Well, that’s how they were able to pay for college – it’s a cheerleading college.  Kerry thought Madi could have done better, but the truth is she did a great job.  Enjoy the Ultimate Grand Supreme with Canadian Bacon and Pineapple.

 Hand her the crown!

Jade keeps saying it’s important to be on time for every event, yet continues to be late for every event.  Probably because she’s bringing her A-game, pushing the envelope, thinking outside the box, creating synergy, trying to nail it, bring it, picking the low-hanging fruit, knocking it outta the park and providing value-add.

Casual Wear is up next and Butthead Bonnie says it’s not about wearing everyday clothes as they show a little girl in the teeniest tiniest pair of shorts and halter top dancing like an absolute ho-bag around a cop car.  Then you should call it what it is:

Stripper Wear.

 “It needs to be full-out custom outfits,” she says, wearing an all-black slouchy shirt.

Emcee Yukon calls for Adriana as Jade tells us they are forty minutes behind schedule.  Still?  Jade has forgotten Adriana’s number and has to run back to the room to get it.  Since Adriana isn’t there, they move on to the next competitor.  Oops.

 Adriana’s Casual Wear routine.

Ever Rose gets onstage to do “Sharp Dressed Man,” and she has much more energy and personality than she did during beauty.  This is just probably more fun for the girls than beauty, let’s face it.  She does a great job and one of the judges even confirms that.

 I’m on a mission from God.

Jade interviews she hopes they aren’t going to count off on points because they are late.  THAT IS HOW IT WORKS!  She KNOWS this!

Crisis in Madi-land…they cannot use their own music!  Madi has a quick tantrum that include her looking away from her mother, looking back and saying, “Okay.”  This kid is awesome.

Madi gets onstage and KICKS ASS PART DEUX!  She loves her routine, she has high energy and great personality.  Hand her the crown and let’s go for nachos and gossip about what a total bizzitch Bonnie is.

 So cute!

Jade and Adriana get to the ballroom like it’s no big thing, waiting to be called, not putting two and two together when they see the older girls (so later groups) going and when Yukon announces they just saw the LAST CONTESTANT in Casual Wear.  Yukon says competition has concluded and see you at 6 for crowning.

Yeah, the sense of urgency to get there on time is evident.

Jade looks confused, mostly because that’s how she rolls.  “I thought we were doing Casual Wear next,” she says.  We see her talking to Bonnie and asking, “They already did Casual Wear,” and Bonnie’s like, yeah, duh.  “So we missed Casual Wear,” Jade snots, like it’s the pageant people’s fault they missed it.  Some guy tells her they called for Adriana to come up.

Does not compute…but neither does simple math.

“In the judges’ eyes, if you’re late, you’re late,” Jade says.  It wasn’t in the judges’ eyes that you were late, YOU WERE LATE!  Forty minutes!  You even said so yourself.  “I think that’s gonna hurt us,” she says.  YA THINK?  God, Jade, try to keep up. You know, she’s almost too stupid to make fun of. But I will power through it.

Bonnie actually is pretty nice and lets Adriana go, but everyone in that ballroom has to know Adriana ain’t winning anything big now because she was late and we all know it.  Points.  OFF.

 Look, the mom’s a total idiot, but let’s do it for the kid!  The KID!

Yukon announces Adriana and honestly…it was not worth the wait.  Adriana didn’t really have a routine, it was a hot mess and she just bounced everywhere.  Cranky judge says Adriana is beautiful but needs help on her modeling and her skirt was (gasp!) uneven.  So is her mother, so cut her some slack.

“I’m very particular with clothes,” Cranky judge says.

 
Yes, we can tell.  And now I need a cracker to get the “Chhhhccchhhh” noise out of my throat.

The judges are in the boardroom attempting to add up scores and they are clearly flummoxed by math because crowning was supposed to start at 6pm and it’s now 8pm.  Wow, what a super-fun day that isn’t at all exhausting.

 We’re embezzling, could you step out?

The cameras are shooting into the boardroom (not literally shooting, we didn’t get that lucky), and Bonnie says she cannot let them in there.  They must be tokin’ up.  Jade says the anticipation is killing her.  Oh, Jade, do you really think Adriana has a chance when you were late TWICE?  And that’s according to YOU.

Bonnie says they were running behind because they had to add up all the scores.  I’m sorry, did you not plan for that?  Seems like you could have hired a high school kid to run the calculator for you.  She said there were really fierce competitors and Yukon comes out, holding his head, saying they had to break some ties.  Bitches, please…use a dart board for breaking ties and let’s go for cocktails.  Ruining kids’ lives is what being an adult is all about.

 Thems bitches is cray-cray!

“You’re gonna get called for something, I promise,” Jade says, with no real authority to promise anything.  What a dumbass this woman is.  Also, the chandelier earrings with the oversized t-shirt?  Not working and it hasn’t all day.

“I am going to freak out if she gets princess,” Jade says to her friend.  Then get Adriana to the events ON TIME.  De.  Lusional.  Or as Gasmii commenters prefer, Delusiona.  She’s on next week, I think.

Adriana’s category is up first.  Photogenic and Casual Wear winner…oh, you know this isn’t Adriana, and it isn’t.  Princesses next…not Adriana…not Adriana…and?  ADRIANA!  She’s thrilled but Jade is pissed.  “You gotta be kidding me,” she says.  She interviews that crowning did not go as planned.

 Raise your hand if you’re confident…you’re a tooootal loser.

Jade, if you or Aunt Jordann are reading this, let me explain this to you so you can understand:  When you show up late to one of the categories, points are counted off.  You YOURSELF said you were forty minutes late to both Beauty and Casual Wear.  In fact, they had to re-open the pageant to have you do Casual Wear (now I know editing plays a part, but it clearly did not in this section).  Points were taken off for your inability to read a clock.  Lower points means a lower overall score which means you don’t get a high title.  Personally, I thought you were lucky to get Princess, I would have shoved a participation award in your hand and pushed you out the nearest exit.  DO YOU UNDERSTAND NOW?  Because you seem to waiver between understanding this rule entirely and having no comprehension of how pageants work.

 I need to go to my happy place.

Ever Rose’s group is up and Kayla is sure she’s going to win.  Photogenic and Casual Wear winner…not Ever Rose!  Princess…not Ever Rose!  So she pulls for a higher title.  Kind of surprising, I thought she’d get Queen in her age group.

 Should have made her lose another 10 to get the ultimate grand…

Madi’s group is next.  Divisional Supreme…not Madi!  So she moves on.

Novice Supreme winner…not our girls!  2011 Face Winner…Ever Rose!  She says she won because she’s so pretty.  That’s a nice memory you can hang on to as you age.

 Way to cover up the winning face!

Ultimate Grand Supreme is no big surprise, it’s Madi!  She totally earned it and she’s very cute about it.  Done and done!

 Justice!  Well…I think we all knew she was going to win.

“Apparently at this pageant, they like the blondes with the blue eyes,” Jade snots.  They also like people showing up ON TIME.  And let’s not forget Ever Rose’s win – she’s got the exact same coloring as Adriana, just less body hair, I’m guessing.  “I was so disgusted with that,” she finishes.  Jade, you were late.  Not once, but twice that we saw and you admitted to.  It has nothing to do with being blonde and blue-eyed, it has to do with being prepared and on time.  Please put Adriana into badminton or something, I don’t think she’s as into pageants as you are.

 Yes, here is a blonde winning now.

“Rarely see any dark-headed girl, and Adriana was the only dark-headed girl in her group,” Jade interviews.  “And of course, she didn’t get anything.”  Yes, she did, and I think you should be grateful for what you got.  But please continue to blame everyone else for your loss except the person you see in the mirror, if you actually do get a reflection.

“After being in this pageant and seeing what I’ve been told about the blondes always winning, I’m not sure we’ll come back to Arkansas and do another one.  I don’t think I’m going to let that really stop me,” she says.

“We will put off buying a house a little longer as long as I can keep doing pageants,” Jade says, smiling.  Well there it is – this woman is a moron.  Reasoning with her won’t work, and if you put off buying a home for your kid’s hobby, and you don’t take it seriously enough to do it right, you need a scoop of shut the hell up and stop complaining.  Jade, thank you for making up for the Kerry/Madi normalcy.  You truly are a hot mess of clueless and TVGasm loves you for it.

Kayla says their first national pageant experience was awesome – “We’re going home with crowns and sashes and money,” she says.  “You couldn’t ask for anything more.”  OMG, I bet they get into the Gazette when they get home – front page!  “Hard work pays off,” she says.  Sometimes.

“It feels good to be skinny,” Adriana says.  Oh honey, you are just fine as you are!

Madi acts like Grandma and says, “Do you really want me to take a bow?” and she does.  Please put your teeth in, Grandma!

 The excitement is too much and granny has a stroke.

Until then check out the previous full recaps and minicaps – and the crazy pageant parents who test us! To get the funniest quotes from TVgasm recaps as they’re posted, follow us on Twitter or like our Facebook page! You can post your favorite lines right back at us. Thanks for being here!

A Food Network host wannabe and travel fanatic (only three more continents to go!) , Dear Crabby lived in Chicago for over 10 years before returning to her native Ohio. She loves black martinis, blue cheese burgers, and The Daily Show. A two-time Chicago marathon finisher, she heartily dislikes Smokey Smokersons, slow drivers in the passing lane, and noisy children, especially when they ruin a fine dining experience or a trip to Target. A nouveau spinster, Dear Crabby spends her free time with her Cocker Spaniels and often goes by the pseudonym “Mrs. Clooney.”

86 Comments

  1. 1
    Chicken Lips
    Posted January 30, 2012 at 7:59 pm

    Dear Crabby..you…are…on…FIRE! So hilarious in this recap – you are truly on, my friend! I almost wet my pants at the picture about the shoes.

    So much to say…but I don’t have time to type it all now. It’s like overload for me…the limo, Grandma, Delusiona, Betty Crocker and her crusade to ply her child with cakes and pies then belittle her for eating said cakes and pies. It’s just too much. =)

  2. 2
    Scott
    Posted January 30, 2012 at 8:46 pm

    The photo of the little girl that was just SO OVER IT and your caption made me actually laugh out loud. Jade is truly delusional, but I am sure I have seen her ( or her clone ) performing in Memphis as Latina Bidet. And she is always late for her curtain time, but it is drag queen time so that may be why she could not get any sort of giddy-up in her getalong to get her child down to the pageant stage.

  3. 3
    Closet fan
    Posted January 30, 2012 at 9:44 pm

    Thank you Crabby, it was well worth the wait. I love Madi and her family. I don’t know if Ever Rose will ever be considered the “/total package” but she and her mom have a nice relationship and Ever Rose seems like she at least wants to be there. Jade… Barely a pulse…I can’t imagine how long it takes her to get some where when she is not in a rush. Please do Adriana and the rest of us a favor and buy that house.

  4. 4
    MorganMoon
    Posted January 30, 2012 at 10:44 pm

    Fabulous recap as always DC, Thank you! I am so glad you didn’t leave out the “panties in a wad” part… I fell in the floor laughing on that one! LOL!

    Ever Rose is a cute girl and I wish she didn’t have the pressure to diet on her from her mother. She will have serious issues with all that pressure mom. Stop it, Now!

    I thought Madi was very pretty and funny. You did a good job kiddo and totally deserved to win. She is one of the few kids who has acted as if she really, really likes pageants and for that I say Yaaayy!

    And to Jade and Aunt Jordann who I’m sure are sitting in front of their computers refreshing the page over and over, waiting to see their name come up again: You Suck Jade… Bigtime! You placed higher than you deserved and should be glad you got that. Being on time is important in an event, especially if it says you will lose points if you are late in the RULES. Dumbass. Notice I am saying you and not your child? You know why? Because YOU were late, therefore YOU lose. Mama Mia should have been there to tell you that after beauty: “Forget about it! You already lose!”

    BTW, do you have a license to drive that red HO-mo-bile? If so, you might be able to rent it out to the local strippers to make some extra money… just an idea.

    Free Mia!

  5. 5
    J-Mo J-Mo
    Posted January 30, 2012 at 11:13 pm

    “This isn’t how most women put their new shoes on, but how they get get them.” Ok, you KNOW I love me some funny-ass pictures and a goddamned GOOD caption, and Crabby, you fucking DEMOLISHED me with that one, BWAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!

    love forever,
    J-Mo :)

  6. 6
    SuburBint
    Posted January 30, 2012 at 11:25 pm

    “Cooch-monkey” is being immediately incorporated into my everyday vocabulary!

  7. 7
    BedHeadJen
    Posted January 31, 2012 at 1:56 am

    Crabby Thank You! Insomnia never felt so good.
    Poor Bonnie McButterpants. Always the director, never the directee.
    Life is hard when you resemble Rocky Dennis. Well, when he was looking through that funhouse mirror, anyway.
    I feel like I was an unwilling participant in her regression therapy. Step 11-projection. Step 12-When an eyelift is not enough, put the asian in caucasian and work your diagonal eyes.
    Normally I wouldn’t be such a bitch, but when you call a kid fat, I will call you Mask.
    As for Delusiona Jade- Unless the spider bite caused an allergic reaction that required her to plunge an adrenaline needle through the furry, 40 minutes late is unacceptable. Twice? Come on!

    I mean Jesus. Crabby captured a clear picture of Judge Sea Turtle. She was a fucking sea turtle Jade, slow by design, yet even she was all “Time Is Of The Essence.” I gotta get some sleep.

  8. 8
    fatgirlsrule
    Posted January 31, 2012 at 4:54 am

    what was with the kid at the table when the judges were adding up scores??

  9. 9
    Closet fan
    Posted January 31, 2012 at 6:35 am

    Most crazy ass parents blame editing for making them look bad. They complain that the camera’s were on them for two full days and that the producers only showed their worst words and actions. Those same camera’s were on Madi and her mom for two days and quoting Crabby, recapper death. Why? Because they are normal. No amount of editing will make them look bad because they are not crazy nor are they dumbasses. The best part of these recaps are when a parent or other family member comments that they really aren’t nuts it was just bad editing.

  10. 10
    Chely
    Posted January 31, 2012 at 6:56 am

    I hate that this was the season finale. One of my favorite parts of the week is reading T&T recaps from DearCrab-ulous. I’m so depressed. ::sad horns::

  11. 11
    Jazzy
    Posted January 31, 2012 at 7:09 am

    GREAT recap!! I’m so bummed that this show is over for the season. ((sad face)) I loved Madi and her old lady routine, but I hated her make up in the pageant. I’m used to the ridic make-up and hair now, but hers looked clownish. Please hire a make-up person, Madi’s mom, so she can keep winning.
    Jade was ridiculous. Why would you spend all that money and time on pageants and then not bother to show up on time? These people mystify me. And blaming the princess title on the fact that your child isn’t blond?? Sad.
    That slutty policewoman routine left me speechless. Really. What a life that girl is going to have. sigh

  12. 12
    PageantLurker
    Posted January 31, 2012 at 7:52 am

    HA HA!!! Again, know Bonnie and Kerry (Madi’s mom) personally….they are BEST FRIENDS! Bonnie is a delusional crazy person because her very own daughter is CHUBBY and Bonnie isn’t ROLLING IN DOUGH either! You should see HER house! AND the kids hanging with the judges were Bonnie’s daughter and some staffers daughters…ALL of whom cheer for PERFECTION STUDIOS!! This is the ODDEST situation! Bonnie holds pageants SPECIFICALLY for Perfection Studios students/parents….its really strange!

  13. 13
    merry
    Posted January 31, 2012 at 8:02 am

    Earlier this week, I noticed in passing a news item about a “Toddlers and Tiaras” mom filing a lawsuit against a handful of media outlets who she claimed “sexulized” her child. And then I saw the slutty cop costume pic in your recap. *sigh* Will these parents never get it? Thanks for the hysterical recap; otherwise, I’d be weeping for the future of civilization.

  14. 14
    pageant mommy
    Posted January 31, 2012 at 8:49 am

    yep, I mentioned the glue. She said eyelash glue and then brought out that silver tube and I was like no way that she is using E6000. Then she moved her finger just a little and I saw the letters. I use that to fix up my daughters dresses if a stone or two falls off and the dress designers use that to attach the flatback crystals to a dress so they don’t fall off easily. I get high just putting a couple of stones back on if I don’t open the window and I have accidentally glued a plate to my table with that stuff(don’t ask, I was high off the fumes and sat the plate . Very toxic and NOT meant for skin!

  15. 15
    featherhead
    Posted January 31, 2012 at 8:56 am

    @pageant mommy – well that’s one way to get Ever Rose to lose some weight, use super glue and then just rip her dress (and pounds) off her.

    So sad this is the final show for this season. I’m going to miss DC’s recaps and the crazy comment section!

  16. 16
    PageantRefugee
    Posted January 31, 2012 at 9:28 am

    Just a quick note Crabby…
    Whong Brandi. You were talking about “Brandi Tudor-Brown” of “Marry a Nerd” fame. Coach Brandi is a different person. Just an fyi. :-)

  17. 17
    dearcrabby
    Posted January 31, 2012 at 9:43 am

    CRAP! I didn’t realize it was the season finale, I just thought they were off for a couple of weeks. I hate when I miss that last-cookie high. What am I going to do with my Saturdays now, date? Yeesh.

    @PageantRefugee, those are the same Brandi – I checked on another T&T (and although the pictures are down – boo!), she’s the Mississippi bombshell who coaches and is nerd marrying…check it out:

    http://www.tvgasm.com/recaps/toddlers-and-tiaras-yes-jesus-helped-you-win/?pag=3

    But they all start to look alike, don’t they?

    Thanks for reading everyone…and for the excellent comments (and compliments!). If you need more snark, J-Mo is doing an excellent job with Top Chef and Tabatha Takes over by PennyDreadful is hilarious, and any of the RH ones – what a bunch of nutbags.

    If you need more Crabby snark, check out my old posts – Celeb Apprentice (Gary Busey), Baby Borrowers (so many kids to dislike!) and Ugly Betty (she gets pretty in the last 5 minutes of the series finale, I swear).

    The new T&T should start up in June/July if history is any indication. Thanks for reading!

  18. 18
    ash1
    Posted January 31, 2012 at 10:02 am

    @merry – That crazy-ass mom was just on Dr Phil fighting with Paisley’s mom (over the pretty woman outift) They are BOTH INSANE!!!!

  19. 19
    rubinia
    Posted January 31, 2012 at 10:26 am

    I totally laughed at Madi’s “I got my gums waxed” comment! Also, crabby, you forgot one of the cliches…”rockin’ it out” or “rockin’ the stage.”

  20. 20
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted January 31, 2012 at 11:08 am

    Dang, Crabby! I’d sure hate to play Staff Meeting Bingo with you. You have every cliche and catchphraise nailed!

    I’m glaad our fellow Gasmii mentioned that this is the last epi for a while. Yikes! Otherwise I would be writing very firm emails wondering where your recaps are. In the meantime, I have been having a great time with the other recaps and rereading vintage Crabby. One prob: many of the recaps for the summer of 2010 are missing their pictures. What happened? Can that be fixed? Pleeeeze?

  21. 21
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted January 31, 2012 at 11:14 am

    pee ess

    So many viewers (not necessarily Gasmii) had their knickers in the proverbial knot over the Pretty Woman and Dolly Parton costumes, which I thought were kinda funny. What I found offensive were the (slutty cop ilk) and routines in which little kids were grabbing their crotches ala Michael Jackson. Encouraging little ones to whip off costume parts and shaking booty are inappropriate too. Justsayin’ ya know.

  22. 22
    Jazzy
    Posted January 31, 2012 at 11:38 am

    I just searched that lawsuit, and it’s by that Isabella’s mother – the one that none of us can remember being on T&T! Bizarre. I guess she’s decided that her daughter is going to be her meal ticket one way or another. Another sigh

  23. 23
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted January 31, 2012 at 5:09 pm

    I’m not yet done reading, but I just reached the “tax attorney” part. I was probably still in the midst of a giggle fit brought on by Madi and her little bro, but my first thought when I heard that was, “Wow. Some parent has a wicked-good sense of humor”. I mean c’mon…can you think of a more boring or unlikely career for a toddler to aspire to? That sentence should end with ,BITCH – see! I learned from previous commenters how to properly end that sentence. Lol. But really. Tax attorney. Too funny.

  24. 24
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted January 31, 2012 at 6:26 pm

    Crabby: You are the Total Recapper Package! However, I’d like to point out two things: I think What Ever Rose’s grammatically challenged mother actually said was, “You know many calories IS in them thangs?” I just recall being particularly horrified. Also, did you really, in a roundabout way, compare Jade to a vampire with the whole mirror comment? Shame on you lol! Vampires are WAY smarter and far more sophisticated than she is :-)

    @SuburBint: Totally! “Coochmonkey” is the new, well, you know.

    I vote for Madi and her mom as the Ultimate Grand Supreme with mushrooms and extra cheese (mmmm) of all time for Glitz competitions… yes even over Chooky. Sorry, Crabby! Oh, and even though I’m seriously bent that this was the season finale, I am happy they left us with an episode where I had a range of emotions from crying with laughter to cursing at my TV.

    One more thing…I DVR the episodes and so normally skip right by all of the commercials. This time, however, I got up to pee and left it on. Suddenly I hear a woman moaning in her ooh I’m so sexy voice how she wants to have a super steamy convo with YOU and all you have to do is call blah blah blah. I was floored and kinda skeeved out that this was in the middle of a show on kid pageants. Of course it’s on late (at least here it is), but really? Really? Am I a dumbass to find that a touch odd?

  25. 25
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted January 31, 2012 at 6:29 pm

    Oops heh heh. It should be, “You know HOW many calories is in them thangs?”.

  26. 26
    happymom
    Posted January 31, 2012 at 6:46 pm

    Yes, that was definitely the same Brandi Tudor-Brown from the earlier episode. She didn’t seem as insanely bubbly as the last time. Maybe she took a downer.

    I wonder about kids with names like Ever Rose…how do you yell at them when you’re mad? I mean, most kids names can be said in a pretty harsh tone when there’s an issue, but her name is so Disney-princess like I can’t help thinking that it will be hard to give her a good tongue lashing when she gets to be a teenager!

    When I saw that scene on t.v. where Audriana had her legs up in the air playing with her shoes I just KNEW crabby was going to put it in the recap! So awesome!

  27. 27
    Jordann Iero
    Posted January 31, 2012 at 7:17 pm

    I love how I got called my sisters friend that she was talking to. Hmm. No. We DID. NOT. GET. POINTS. TAKEN. OFF. I assume you’ve read where I commented before on some of this bullshit, because you spelled my name right, and knew I was Adrianas aunt. So why didn’t you CLEARLY read we didn’t get points taken off? No. We didn’t get points taken off for being late FOR CASUAL WEAR ONLY. We were NOT late for beauty. We were standing in line the entire time. Don’t you dumbasses understand that reality tv is fake? You have no lives, if you did, you wouldn’t write a book about little girls. I have to type stuff 50 times, in caps just to get smartasses that think they know it all to understand. And they still don’t. And by the way, we’re sioux. If you even know what that is.

  28. 28
    Mom2redheads
    Posted January 31, 2012 at 7:26 pm

    Thanks for the clarification, Jordann (seriously what is up with the spelling of people’s names these days). We are all now very clear that you lost purely on lack of talent and not your timekeeping skills. A final note, you would want to use your cap key at the beginning of the word, Sioux. This is a proper noun and should be capitalized. Show your people some love and give them a capital letter in the beginning.

  29. 29
    Alison Zimmerman
    Posted January 31, 2012 at 7:27 pm

    @DearCrabby-effing love your recaps!! I may go through withdrawls until the new shows start again. Nice to see you used “Delusiona” :-) who knew my typo would take off? Haha.

    Lastly, wasn’t that twat Crow the director for the pageant gum smacking Heaven and Alana were in? I know she looks familiar and it seems like we just saw her…

  30. 30
    kthxbai
    Posted January 31, 2012 at 7:34 pm

    @DearCrabby I had no idea this was the season finale. I’m going to miss your recaps of this show 7-9 times more than I’ll miss the show.

    I’m specially going to miss the minicaps now too. I really appreciate you watching the show 1st. So I can decide whether to watch it or not on a case by case basis.

    Because the episode before this 1 really caught me off guard. And brought the show’s overall fun scores WAY down.

    But I don’t mean to take away from how disturbing this 1 was.

    You’d think there’s been enough awareness and stuff about eating disorders and girls having self esteem problems that they wouldn’t even have a fat theme Toddlers and Tiaras.

    Not a 1 of those girls was even close to fat.

    Or to the age where they’re liable to start thinking they are. Even if they’re skinnier than Brandi on RHoBH.

    So the last damn thing they need is their moms putting those kinds of ideas in their heads.

    Because their heads are going to get crammed full of those ideas from everywhere else soon enough.

    If they were really worried about their health (which they’re so not) it’d be better to just get them into a dance class.

    Or since they’re rich enough to buy $1000 dresses get them a wii. Anything they enjoy and that’s more active.

    And leave food and looks out of it. Specially with girls and specially in the USA.

    (If you guessed this sermon was brought to you by my alter ego Preachy McJudgington, you’re right)

    FREE MIA

    VIVAN HAILEY, MISS SHEMONDA AND UNCLE DJ

  31. 31
    Chicken Lips
    Posted January 31, 2012 at 8:28 pm

    @Mom2redheads – “We are all now very clear that you lost purely on lack of talent and not your timekeeping skills. ” BWHAHAHA!

    And thank YOU Jordann for pointing OUT what a lameass I am for coming to a website to comment about a reality TV show. I’m sure that is something that you would NEVER do, EVER.

  32. 32
    ash1
    Posted January 31, 2012 at 8:45 pm

    Oh my GOD!!! The funniest thing is jwhore-dann talking about the points like they MATTER!!!! It’s a freaky kids beauty pageant! The whole concept is sick and we only watch it so we can mock the absurdity that in 2012 women still strip-train their daughters this way! NO ONE CARES ABOUT THE FUCKING SCORE or whether it was awarded in the slut-wear or tramp-dancing category!!! It DOES NOT MATTER!!! You are training a little girl up to be an object rather than a person and any way you slice it, it’s DISGUSTING!!!!

  33. 33
    MorganMoon
    Posted January 31, 2012 at 9:43 pm

    I just came across an article written about T&T and Dance Moms that had a quote that really stuck with me, so I wanted to share it here.

    “The dance and pageant moms (and teachers, and judges) are like people on Hoarders who can’t smell the feces and rotting food that make everyone else gag.” – http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2012/01/25/dance-moms-toddlers-tiaras-and-child-abuse.html

    Well said, Andy Dehnart. I just happen to catch an episode of Dance Moms earlier… Another train wreck I see that has recaps here.. Yaaay! I’ll see some of ya over there till T&T returns.

    I will Miss you DearCrabby until T&Ts new season starts. Thankfully, I have at least 20 T&T episodes/recaps to catch up on to hold me over til then. thanks so much for showing me what true snark is. You are a genius.

  34. 34
    BedHeadJen
    Posted January 31, 2012 at 9:54 pm

    @Delusiona Jordann- You said you are souix, “If you even know what that is”. I am not sure what it is.

    Are you Souix as in Indian. or Souix as in We were Souix late that my poor niece missed part of the pageant?

  35. 35
    BedHeadJen
    Posted January 31, 2012 at 10:54 pm

    I am Sioux bad at spelling.

  36. 36
    Robin Robinez
    Posted January 31, 2012 at 11:50 pm

    “You have no lives, if you did, you wouldn’t write a book about little girls. I have to type stuff 50 times, in caps just to get smartasses that think they know it all to understand.”

    Sometimes the stuff just writes itself..

  37. 37
    PearlBlackDragon PearlBlackDragon
    Posted February 1, 2012 at 12:10 am

    Ho. Lee. Fuck. That pic of the shoes is now my mobile screen.
    Bitch yuse funny as fuck.
    Cheers!

  38. 38
    Robin Robinez
    Posted February 1, 2012 at 12:37 am

    Whew! What a blast! Your recaps are like chapters in a hard to put down book. I will probably miss your recaps about this show more than I will miss the show..if that makes any sense..

    Thanks for a perfect ending to a perfectly dysfunctional season :-)

  39. 39
    crockpot
    Posted February 1, 2012 at 3:59 am

    Dear Crabby ……Love, love, love your recaps. T&T , your recaps, & commenters my guilty pleasure. You folks rock it. Caught Dr. Phil yesterday and it was pure craziness. Crabby can you watch the show and please recap it? Crock

  40. 40
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted February 1, 2012 at 8:36 am

    Was Jourddannne’s comment about writing “a book” on kids possibly be referring to my rather long post a bit above her own? If so, perhaps she should have actually used those degrees of hers and actually READ IT. The last part was about how skeeved out I am with phone sex commercials (not that there’s anything with that lol – at the proper times) during a kids’ pageant show.

  41. 41
    dearcrabby
    Posted February 1, 2012 at 9:34 am

    You know some dumbass pageant coochmom is going to name her kid Sioux instead of Sue now. And it will probably be a Boy Named Sioux. Sorry, kid.

  42. 42
    sheesh
    Posted February 1, 2012 at 9:35 am

    So I have to wait like 8 to 7 months before I hear from crazy pagaent mommies again?
    Aw man (scuffingmyshoeshorns)

  43. 43
    Cocodawn nicole
    Posted February 1, 2012 at 10:09 am

    Crabby, I’m going to miss your recaps so much! They have always been my fave on this site. I really wish you were recapping The Bachelor. You could destroy those idiots!

  44. 44
    Clair Clair
    Posted February 1, 2012 at 10:11 am

    I think Jordann’s book comment was in reference to the length of the [awesome] recap.

    I agree with crockpot – Crabby, please recap the Dr. Phil shioux. Thx.

  45. 45
    PottyMouth PottyMouth
    Posted February 1, 2012 at 10:17 am

    “A Boy Named Sioux” – LMFAO!! Crabby, that just made me spit soda all over myself.

    I don’t comment over here anywhere near as much as I would like too (too much craziness in life), but I read every cap and just want to tell you how much I LOVE your writing. So fucking awesome.

    I’ll miss your recaps until the new season unless…….are you doing something new soon? Please, please, say it’s so! Fingers crossed.

    Thanks for the laughs in the middle of a shitty day!
    SWAK, PottyMouth

  46. 46
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted February 1, 2012 at 12:02 pm

    Ash1, your “jwhore-dann” is another good ‘un. In a few years we’ll probably see a toddler named jwhore-dann Sioux Anderson competing.

    I mentioned in the Newsgasm watching “Sorority Girls” or some such thing last night. It sure looks like what some of these little girls will want to be when they are college age. The show is hilarious, bewildering, and horrifying all at the same time. And I wish you would recap it in your time away from T&T, Crabby. Otherwise lots of us will be suffering from Crabby withdrawal and having to join 12 step programs.

    And, jwhore-dann, thank you for writing again. You and Candiass just MAKE the recap comments. The Gasmii are good, but you, my dear, are phabulous! Keep writing.

  47. 47
    Alison Zimmerman
    Posted February 1, 2012 at 1:47 pm

    @BedHeadJen-I Sioux love you :) Your comment has to be one of the best!! I cried laughing!! I don’t think I have done that since I tried to write “spandex, front butts, while shopping for Little Debbie snack cakes at Walmart” If you haven’t read that one it is in the bazillion or so comments left by Khandass from a few episodes ago.

    Oh and as for POINTS NOT BEING TAKEN OFF…uh hello, even judges have stated that points are taken of for being late..LATE!! I can assume that a fraction of a point can make or break a child from getting UGS or just pricess..ok maybe not that much of a stretch, but y’all know what I mean!

    I am going to miss y’all!! I know that most of us watch the same shows, but they are nothing like this… :) and some of you know where to find me :)

  48. 48
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted February 1, 2012 at 3:42 pm

    @Clair: Thank you. I’m sure you are correct. Today has been an emotional day from hell…so much so that I didn’t even bother editing that last post, and it came out looking like a Grammar Police reject wrote it :-)

    I, too, will be in a twelve-step program due to Crabby withdrawals. The first step of this particular program, however, will be to read other TVGasm recappers’ fabulous body of work (which I do on a daily basis anyway). See everyone there! Crabby, please stop by, as well!

  49. 49
    fancyface
    Posted February 1, 2012 at 4:51 pm

    Anyone else notice that Ever’s dress lace upper-gluer in, Kim was a mom from a previous epi? I can’t remember which one but I think she was one of the crazier moms. Anyone know? Its driving me crazy!

  50. 50
    Jordann Iero
    Posted February 1, 2012 at 5:51 pm

    Sioux. Sorry I didn’t give my people caps. Human error. Hey! I like the ‘Jwhore-dann’ thing!!! I found my new nickname, thanks! :) Insecurity. Jealousy is evil. ;) Why am I reading so much hate? Doesn’t anybody go to church, and love everyone anymore? :( Hmm, I’ll just get on with my work, and my blessed life. This bullshit is way to negative for me, or anyone to be reading, and wasting my precious life on. You people believe what you want. No one is stopping you. But at the end of the day, you don’t know the truth. I hope you all find peace, love, happiness and maturity one day. You’re throwing some serious shit to a 16 year old. Sad… :( I’ll be praying for you all. ;(

  51. 51
    fancyface
    Posted February 1, 2012 at 6:20 pm

    Ummmm Jwhoredann? Didn’t you say on the minicap that you were an engineer? Now you’re saying you’re 16?? Look bipolar child, we already acknowledged the fact that we now believe (thanks to you) your niece didn’t lose because of time but because she sucked pageant balls. So you see, we do believe you & you have totes made it better. I also agree that you should go back to your previous life little girl because you CLEARLY can’t hang with the big dogs here @ the gasm. Now run along & play in traffic & take your dumb ass sister with you!

  52. 52
    Robin Robinez
    Posted February 1, 2012 at 6:44 pm

    You’re 16? Who is 16? Are they Sixteen and Pregnant? We have an Ap/ Link for that!

    Robin

  53. 53
    Jordann Iero
    Posted February 1, 2012 at 7:01 pm

    No, I didn’t say I was an Engineerer. I work at an Engineering company, which most people my age I know don’t have a job. And I’m also a certified makeup artist (Which you can do at my age.). I just happen to have a life, unlike you. And yes. I’m 16 and pregnant. Can’t you read my name? Damn! LOL! :)

  54. 54
    Jordann Iero
    Posted February 1, 2012 at 7:18 pm

    The great thing about all this is that I’m happy, I’m not mad at any of you. You have to live the rest of your lives… Being you. Enjoy the guilt. :)
    I won’t be reading/commenting back on this. I have better things to do then stoop to your level. But to clear a few things up, I don’t give a damn what you people think about me. Since all of you think I am a soup can, and you write ‘I’M A WHORE’ on it, do it. You people wouldn’t believe me if I said I wasn’t, but since you don’t know me, why should I give a shit about what you raunchy people have to say? :) I agree, my niece needs practice. But I’m going to have a talk with her mother about letting Adriana model, which she’d be so much better at. I really find it unfortunate that none of you are happy with where you are in life, but all I can do is wish you all the best! And I’m being 100% honest with what I say, I want everyone to be happy, no drama! Just remember, hating me won’t make you pretty. Call me whatever you want. Everyone has a voice, so use it. Naturally, everything comes with a label. I am Jordann Fucking Iero.

  55. 55
    J-Mo J-Mo
    Posted February 1, 2012 at 7:41 pm

    And I am J-Fucking-Mo. Good fucking day to you fucking too.

    love, fucking J-Mo :)

    P.S. Dear Fucking Crabby, I fucking am your fucking biggest fucking fan…

  56. 56
    Chicken Lips
    Posted February 1, 2012 at 8:03 pm

    @BedHeadJen’s “Are you Souix as in Indian. or Souix as in We were Souix late that my poor niece missed part of the pageant?” HAHAHA! Love. It.

    @DearCrabby – so sad it is the season finale. Are you doing Apprentice again (that was you, right?)

    @J-Mo – I like the new nickname. :)

    @Jordann – Someone 16 year old punk hacked your account. Better change your password soon before someone else hacks in and claims your niece is good at pageants and totally throws us all off and we confuse your niece with Madi.

  57. 57
    BedHeadJen
    Posted February 1, 2012 at 8:25 pm

    Oh JFL-I don’t hate you. Sybil-like personalities are my favorite.

    In your honor, I shall write Siouxteen Candles on my siouxp can label.

    @Allison-I haven’t read through all of those comments yet, but now I can’t wait. :)

  58. 58
    maryedith
    Posted February 1, 2012 at 8:35 pm

    “I’m 16 and pregnant. Can’t you read my name?” Smiley-face icon. Is Jordann schizophrenic or just really funny?

  59. 59
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted February 2, 2012 at 5:25 am

    Happy GroundGasmii Day all! I will be watching for DearCrabby recaps and to reconnect with all the hilarious responders–including the Candiasses and Sybil-Smileyfaces.

    My my, such language from a 16 year old. I hope she doesn’t talk like that around her neice because she wouldn’t be a very good role model, even if she does get points for defending her nei– oh wait– she was defending her time-challenged sister.

    I hope the pix reappear in the 2010 T&T recaps ’cause I have been rereading those gems. Recommended reading, BTW, for all Crabbyfans.

  60. 60
    dearcrabby
    Posted February 2, 2012 at 8:33 am

    @Jordann Iero – You know how at the amusement park they have signs that “You must be this tall to ride this ride”? Same thing goes on this site, but we measure by IQ points. So perhaps you can come back next year after your growth spurt?

    @ J-Mo, back atcha! You know how I love Top Chef/What’s-in-Scar’s-mouth jokes…genius. And despite the fact I’m a dog person, Kitty Porn never fails to amuse! Clearly you and the BF are THEIR tenants! That’s how it rolls in my house too.

    I can’t remember who is recapping Celeb Apprentice, somebody cool and the name is slipping my mind – should be hilarious, I mean you’ve got someone from Star Trek and someone from Twisted Sister. How could this fail? Hope Ivanka is still on it, she is excellent!

    And thanks everyone for the great comments – it’s so fun connecting with everyone but it does give me back yard work time on the weekends, haha.

  61. 61
    BedHeadJen
    Posted February 2, 2012 at 11:12 am

    I went back and read through the Candyman comments. I had to use my Little Orphan Annie Secret Decoder Pin to decipher that word tangle. Best comments ever! It was all fun and games until Mandy showed up.

    I have been fighting with autoimmune disease for 6 years. When I get bedhead, I read everything and comment. When I am well, I just read.

    I am kinda bummed that I was feeling so well when Candyman first showed up. I missed some fun there.
    I am even more bummed that I can no longer wear my monocle and top hat when we go to the park.

    I will miss you Crabby. Enjoy your yard while you can, cause like a raging case of herpes, the T&T moms will be back.
    I love J-Mo’s comments, and really need to get to reading his stuff.
    Thanks for the laughs.

  62. 62
    S-Natch S-Natch
    Posted February 2, 2012 at 11:33 am

    Bravo on a great season, Crabby! I bow at your feet! Just watch out, though – you don’t want anyone to file a lawsiouxt!! After all, the Internet police are everywhere, you know! :D Good luck with the yard – better you than me, my friend!

  63. 63
    MorganMoon
    Posted February 2, 2012 at 4:13 pm

    Just wanted to let everyone know that I read on Alaska’s (and braxton’s uggh) fan page that T&T just followed them on Dec 17th for another episode! Is this pic Alaska? They are asking for votes for some kind of contest, braxton’s photo is right before this one, but this pic has been photo shopped so much, it almost doesn’t look like Alaska! http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=2817584711224&set=o.210838795630821&type=1&permPage=1

  64. 64
    Ms Cool
    Posted February 2, 2012 at 8:13 pm

    Did you see that Alana.(honey boo boo child) was on Dr. Drew? I caught a blurb of it on MSNBC and it was rather sweet.

  65. 65
    Ms Cool
    Posted February 2, 2012 at 9:34 pm

    Here is the link (hopefully) to Alana on Dr. Drew’s show:

    http://theclicker.today.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/02/02/10302099-toddlers-tyke-shows-dr-drew-her-daisy-duke-routine

  66. 66
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted February 3, 2012 at 5:15 am

    BedHeadJen: J-Mo is terrific. He recapped lots of shows, including Salon Takeover, The Early Years, and of course Top Chef. And more that my tiny brain can’t think of at the moment.

    I am also bedridden with an autoimmune disease brought on by Lyme’s Disease twelve years ago. Only all the time, so I have plenty of time to watch, read and snark. Good luck and may your flares be few and far between. It’s a helluva club to be in.

  67. 67
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted February 3, 2012 at 4:18 pm

    @Jordann: No, not all of “us people” go to church. Organized religion is destroying minds and taking lives. How many wars have been fought over “God”, or what an individual’s take on “God” is? How many millions of people have died? That’s OKAY with you? You really must be sixteen. Read up.

    Sooo, no, thank you. I will live my life free of violence, bigotry, misogyny, and judgement (the real sort – not the snarky harmless sort).

    So I will be the bigger person here by not calling you all of the names that come to mind, as you did to us, and I will end with a compliment…your grammar and spelling are far superior to that of other pageant folk who have dropped by The Gasm (but perhaps a bit of study on paragraph formation is in order). Have a blessed day! Gag.

  68. 68
    captain save-uh-hoe
    Posted February 3, 2012 at 5:15 pm

    Holy nutballs! Jordann :) – you almost had potential to be my favorite dumbass… ;) but the overuse of smiley faces has led to your demise. :( I can’t even take you seriously, and that’s a shame because I enjoy a good laugh. :( Now i just feel sad for you and your multiple personalities. ;(

  69. 69
    ash1
    Posted February 3, 2012 at 6:55 pm

    People who go/went to church
    1. Jerry Sandusky
    2. Joe Paterno
    3. Priests – even the molest-y ones
    4. Adolph Hitler
    5. Benito Moussolini
    seeing a pattern here, Jwhoredan???

    Lots of good people go to church and so do lots of evil ones. Lots of good people reject religion for reason, and so do lots of evil ones. The fact that you think you can tell good from bad people based upon church attendance just proves your ignorance…and your geography….and then your ignorance some more…

  70. 70
    Flora711
    Posted February 5, 2012 at 8:00 pm

    If judgment is OK when it is “snarky” is bigotry OK as well? Assuming it is snarky of course. Violence is generally addresed under criminal law, but it is always nice to here that people choose to live their life violence free. And misogyny Is not generally a problem trait for women, but in all fairness I have seen a lot of hate among the commenters here.
    If you want to be the mean girl/bully on the playground fine, at least own it. Better a bitch than a hippocrit.
    By the way, Amy, this is not snark, it’s judgement.

  71. 71
    SuburBint
    Posted February 5, 2012 at 8:08 pm

    And poorly spelled judgement, which is my favourite flavour.

  72. 72
    maryedith
    Posted February 5, 2012 at 8:33 pm

    English vs American grammar wars now? Oh HELL no!

  73. 73
    SuburBint
    Posted February 5, 2012 at 8:48 pm

    @ maryedith – I’m not trying to start a new battle, I promise! British spelling is my default, I blame it on reading too much Agatha Christie during my formative years.

  74. 74
    tntjunky
    Posted February 6, 2012 at 1:49 pm

    GOur Broadway boy Brock is also there (FB contest) and a kid named Tiarah! Think her mom had a baby specifically for pageants :)

  75. 75
    happymom
    Posted February 6, 2012 at 7:51 pm

    Is it just me, or is the kid in the picture at the top of page 7 (the one with her tongue sticking out) in the most HIDEOUS dress ever???

  76. 76
    tntjunky
    Posted February 7, 2012 at 2:25 pm

    OMG! Happymom you are so right! When I read the recap I said to my friend ” That is the ugliest cupcake dress ever!”

  77. 77
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted February 7, 2012 at 4:05 pm

    @Flora: Ah, where do I start? Hmmm, I believe I shall simply go with, “Get a sense of humor or get the flip off the KING (Queen?) of all snark sites… tvgasm.”

    @SuburBint: LOLOL! The perfect “comeback” :-)

  78. 78
    timgunnssister timgunnssister
    Posted February 8, 2012 at 9:59 am

    Jordann, if, as you say, this particular realiy show is ‘fake’, then are you saying that your sister was forced to exclaim (more than once) to the camera that they were 40 minutes late?

    I mean, I heard her say it or was it a devious voice over planted by the producers? It’s not really the sort of comment that can be taken out of context.

    Seriously, I’d like to know.

  79. 79
    MorganMoon
    Posted February 8, 2012 at 10:54 pm

    Just wanted to update with the links to Alana on Dr Drew. I can’t find the whole show, but here are the highlight clips:
    Alana at home: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k_bd_STrX8c

    Dr Drew trying her special juice: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DPKePwj5afg

    Alana backstage at the show: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7pHGntzAS38

    Daisy Duke routine: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gVAyvCKNh1o

    hope these links work.. if anyone finds the whole show that she was on, please post… Gosh I miss DC and T&T!

  80. 80
    MorganMoon
    Posted February 8, 2012 at 11:01 pm

    Forgot to say that Alana is actually less annoying and more cute in these clips… she may have a future in comedy, lol!

    And I don’t want to spoil the daisy duke clip so Ill just say this: At the very end, Alana was a sweet child, you can hear/see how happy she was for what Dr Drew did for her… darnit! Im having such T&T/DC withdrawals that Im getting soft…

  81. 81
    sweetroisindubh
    Posted February 16, 2012 at 10:47 am

    DearCrabby, I hope you still check these comments from time to time. I came across this and thought I’d bring it to your attention:
    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2101856/Toddlers-Tiaras-pageant-moms-given-beauty-queen-makeovers–scary-results.html

    “Disturbing” doesn’t even begin to describe it!

  82. 82
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted April 1, 2012 at 8:32 am

    Is T & T really back or is my DVR screwing with me?!?! I was scrolling through the “to be recorded” list and saw there was a NEW ep on on I think it was 4/3… Tuesday? Or SOME damn day this week. Is this a “bonus” episode or a new season? Perhaps I should check the channel’s site.

    Crabby if you’re out there please please please tell me I’m correct and you’ll be back with us :-)

  83. 83
    ash1
    Posted April 2, 2012 at 6:19 pm

    I’m not as good as crabby, but we DO get NEW T&T craziness starting this week!!! Dance Moms is ending, so I won’t have to go through crazy mom withdrawl!

  84. 84
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted April 3, 2012 at 1:21 pm

    Ooh Crazy-Mom-Withdrawl is a terrible affliction to be saddled with. I have it, too!

  85. 85
    fairygothmom
    Posted April 16, 2012 at 10:06 am

    Hey, my daughter would’ve been named Siouxzanne if the Banshees hadn’t broken up shortly before her birth. It’s a perfectly serviceable goth name. :)

  86. 86
    b.g.
    Posted March 22, 2013 at 3:05 pm

    this recap was so hilarious i almost wet my pants. absolutely, breathtakingly funny and spot on!

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