Toddlers & Tiaras “Glitzy Divas” episode is another Crown Beauties National Pageant, with a lot of delusional moms, bored daughters and slow pageant judges – seriously, how hard is it to add up scores, morons? Calculators. They’re what you use so everyone can get to dinner.
Every time, people, I swear.
Pageant Director Bonnie Crow talks about “glitz and glam to the max” and “total package” and “no fatties.”
Have you looked in the mirror lately, Bonnie? Of course, I guess you are too busy running the pageant to participate in it.
“When they are a little bit overweight, that’s not going to cut it,” Bonnie says. “You don’t want to see a chubby child onstage.” Yeah, I don’t want to see kids, period. Then she uses “to the max” again. Bonnie. It’s 2012. Please leave “to the max” back in the grody 80s.
A little bit of weight or pigs in a blanket?
“Parents sink a lot of money into pageants. It’s not a hobby for the poor,” she says. Then stop preying on them! Jesus, Bonnie makes me want to play in traffic.
Does this bedazzled cowboy outfit make me look fat?
Let’s start this horror in Horn Lake, Mississippi, where we meet irritatingly delusional mom Jade and her hairy daughter, Adriana. Adriana’s dad is apparently a silverback gorilla and her hair is beginning to encroach on her face bigtime.
Adriana hates pageants so much, she’s hurling herself into traffic.
Jade asks Adriana to try on her crowns and hats and Adriana is having none of it as Jade tells us they’ve been doing natural pageants. Once Adriana started to win, “I was hooked,” Jade says. And to pay for it, she’s probably hooking because we all know pageants are for richies only, right Bonnie?
This isn’t how most women put their new shoes on, but how they get get them.
“I can’t stop…I think it’s more me than Adriana,” Jade says, as Adriana says she doesn’t want to practice. If only these mothers put as much time and effort into themselves – I mean, most of them are the ones who want to compete, right?
I love all Native American stuff…I’m 1/64th Cherokee, you know. Yes…we ALL are.
The Crown Beauties pageant is a glitz pageant, and Jade says, “We have never went full glitz before, so I am very, very nervous.” Oh, Mississippi, is grammar really that difficult to teach?
And this insults all of us.
Now in Conway, Arkansas, with a downtown that looks like the one in the movie Sweet Home Alabama, we meet Kerry and her daughter Madi who “has reached $100,000 in winnings,” Kerry tells us. Mmmaybe, but could we see the debits as well as the credits? Because I really don’t think you broke even. Just a hunch.
“Yeah, my college is already paid for,” Madi, 10, says. So, that was all cash and it’s in the bank? Also? I’m glad to hear you talk about college – one of the only pageant girls we’ve seen to do so. Phew.
Madi said she won a car but she didn’t want it so they gave her the money instead…okay, not a bad deal. Madi tells us she has “about a-zillion” crowns, then giggles. Some of her crowns are AMAZING but one of them is so big, you’d think it was for, well…
I mean, look at it! Size does matter.
Kerry says that pageants are expensive but Madi usually breaks even or comes out ahead. Again, I’d like to see the books on those financials.
Over in Crossett, Arkansas, we meet our “fatty” of the evening, Ever Rose (is she?) and mom Kayla. Ever Rose is a cute little girl and not that big, but Kayla is obsessed with her daughter’s weight and is creating a young woman who will have body issues for the rest of her life. THE REST OF HER LIFE, KAYLA!
Work it, sister.
Kayla, 8, says she’s been doing pageants, “Like, since I was born.” Kayla asks Ever Rose to do her routine, which she does, then Kayla says she can do it better. Wow, bitch.
“I just like the whole aspect of showing off your children,” Kayla says about pageants. Personally, I prefer the whole “Children should be seen and not heard,” theory, and I’m not really that into the first part at all.
“If you win, you get to be in the newspaper. I just think it’s all a neat concept,” Kayla finishes. Yes, I’m sure the Crossett Gazette really goes crazy when Fatty Fat Fat-Fat who really isn’t wins a title. That must take up all of its 8 pages of newsprint as long as someone didn’t trip on a curb by the corner market and scrape a knee.
She might be next to Marmaduke!
Ever Rose is doing a routine in a suit and the pants are falling off, and Kayla tells us that before a pageant they start watching what they eat, “To make sure our clothes fit well,” she says. What do you mean by “our,” woman? You aren’t competing.
“Ever Rose does count calories…she stays around 1600 calories a day.” I did check online, and that’s actually right for a kid her age. Kayla says Ever Rose has lost 10 pounds and, “That’s a great thing for her.” Well…Ever Rose says she was eating too much candy and other junk food…so, okay, I’m kind of going to let them have this one. It really just sounds like she eats healthier, not that she’s dieting, but the counting calories is just setting her up to be on Intervention for an eating disorder.
“Sometimes I do get hungry,” Ever Rose says, downing a pizza. Meh.
Kerry says she’d never let Madi go on a diet, but luckily the kid has a fast metabolism. I remember those days. Kerry tells Madi she doesn’t have curves yet and Madi says she doesn’t want them. Uh-huh.
Then Madi starts this thing where she’s talking like an old lady, and she holds her mouth in a way so it looks like she doesn’t have any teeth. It is kind of funny and I like the fact that she seems to have a good sense of humor and a well-rounded personality.
Back in Horn Lake, Jade explains that Adriana got a new dress and she hopes it’s not too tight. “You eating salads, so we can fit into our dress?” She asks Adriana. Again with the “our.”
Just like Scarlett O’Hara.
Jade tells us that her 4-year-old daughter has been eating salads to try to shed a few pounds. Jade, looks like you could use a few salads yourself. Adriana’s new dress feels “tight.” “She’s lost four pounds already,” Jade says, laughing. This is wrong. WRONG! She’s FOUR.
“I will go all the way to do whatever it takes to get her to where she needs to be,” Jade incomprehensibly says. Seriously, what the hell does she think she’s saying? Something profound? Adriana just picks her nose. I’m with ya, kid. Much more interesting than listening to your dumbass mother.
“I would love for her to be discovered,” Jade says. Oh, here we go with the wanting the kid to be a celebutard. Discovered for WHAT, exactly? She never actually says.
Jade asks Adriana to show her some pretty feet…and Adriana just wiggles one foot. She asks for a step-step-turn, and doesn’t really get that either. Is Adriana breathing? “You don’t look very thrilled to be doing this,” Jade says. Probably because your kid doesn’t really like pageants.
Jade tells us that Adriana’s favorite word is “No,” which would be mine too if I had a mother like Jade. She says Adriana doesn’t like to practice, but she probably will with Brandi in da house!
I am loving my childless life with my rich nerd, can’t you tell?
I’ll be damned! Homewrecker Brandi! Last time we saw her, she was telling one of her pageant girls to find a nerd to marry so she can have a lot of money, and she was hotting it up next to someone else’s husband.
Adriana practices with Brandi “on and off” and she, well…she sucks. Adriana’s terrible and it’s clear she never practices. Brandi says, “She’s still not full-out ready, as far as like top-notch glitz.” What gave it away, when you said look at the judges and she rolled her eyes to the ceiling like they were there or tripping over her feet like Forest Gump?
Seriously, where are the judges sitting, on the ceiling?
“I believe, personally, that it is a beauty pageant,” Jade tell us, adding it’s not the one who can dance the best. Oh, Jade, no. It’s about the mom who can spend the most money in the overall categories. Idiot.
Jade is concerned with the hair on Adriana’s back. Excellent. Brandi tells Jade not to worry about it, but admits one of the girls she used to coach had a mother who shaved her back. “Which is crazy,” Brandi says. Well, at least we agree on something.
Then Brandi says the stupidest thing, continuing the urban legend, “It’s just going to grow back thicker.” NO IT IS NOT! Jesus, if hair grew back thicker every time you shaved, women would be running around with 3” wide hair follicles. Try to use that bleach-blonde head for something other than a scrunchie holder, Brandi.
Back in Conway, Madi is still in old-person mode as she says, “I got my gums waxed.” Why don’t you share some of that wax with Adriana? “I got my face waxed,” says her little brother. Again, share share, that’s fair.
Kerry says that Madi has two little brothers and Cameron likes a lot of attention. Why not put him in pageants too then? Madi and Cameron leave the living room, clutching their backs, gumming their food and complaining about their rheumatism. Again, great imaginations but a schoche irritating.
Jade tells us that the most difficult part of pageants is preparation. Soon, it’s going to be time management.
“When it’s time to go, my little Chi-Chi likes to roll in style,” Jade says. Oh no, it’s not another one of those stupid Hummer stretch limos, is it?
Nope. Stay klassy!
Instead, Jade has purchased a candy-apple red limo from the 1970s, and has placed that really offensive female silhouette license plate on the front. Wow, Jade, you normally just see those on trucks with Confederate flags, or on mud-flaps of 18-wheelers where the driver hasn’t seen his daughter in 15 years. Why would you have that on there for your 4-year-old daughter? Also? It’s freakin’ tacky.
“The limo is just for pageants, that is the only time we ever use it,” Jade says. Money well spent. I guess I don’t really see running to the corner store for milk in this.
“We’re probably the only ones anywhere with a pageant limo for their child,” Jade says. Actually, we’ve seen a few kids show up in pageant limos (and one private plane!), but they aren’t stupid enough to BUY the limo, they normally rent and have a driver for it. I wonder if Jade is licensed to drive a limo? “I feel like I’m hot stuff when I’m rolling down the street in my limo…cause I am!,” Jade says, wearing some kind of pork pie hat while she drives. Jade, you’re only hot stuff if you are being driven somewhere, not if you’re the driver. And buckle Adriana in!
“A spider!” Adriana says, looking at a spider on the car door. Sigh.
Back in Crossett where people are breathing diet air, Kayla says she likes to get everyone together before a pageant to show Ever Rose support. That’s actually pretty cool and I bet they could make great s’mores on that campfire at their party. Not that Ever Rose could have one.
Kayla says she comes from a long line of cooks and she cooks pie and cake, which they can’t really have since, “The good stuff tends to add the weight to ya.” I hear that. Her cake is orange with what looks like cooked spinach all over it.
Did a baby shit all over this cake. What is this, Top Chef?
Kayla says before Ever Rose eats any of the pies and cakes that are made for her, Kayla asks what have they eaten today? They only need a piece of pie, not the whole one, she tells us as we see footage of a starving Ever Rose shoveling cake into her pie hole.
Let the binging commence…purging is for after the camp songs!
Mom says – in front of everyone, “Ever Rose, remember, this is your treat,” and she looks worried as now Ever Rose has moved over to eating pie. Which she is now shoveling into her cake hole.
“It’s harder to be a kid when you’re carrying extra weight,” Kayla says. Even harder with a mother that counts every damn calorie but still manages to make as many sugary desserts as possible.
Pageant day in Hot Springs, Arkansas! Emceeing the event today is Chad “Yukon” Cornelius who looks like a pretty nice and normal guy despite his involvement with this event.
As close to standup as this guy is ever going to come.
Bitchass Bonnie is back, making me hate her more and more. She is SO not invited when we all go out with Annette, Betty and Tonya. She tells us the girls have to be pretty. “I’m sorry, this is a BEAUTY pageant,” she says. I’m sorry you are breathing. She tells us that girls who aren’t that pretty need to find another hobby. Pot/kettle, you coochmonkey!
Hatin’ on poor ugly fat kids is so, so orgasmic!
Let’s get this party started! Kayla says Ever Rose likes to get her hair and makeup done, and I hope that’s the case because with the 400 hot rollers on her head right now she’s probably getting signals from a Japanese radio station.
Ground control to Major Tom!
Someone comes in to see Ever Rose and asks why she’s drinking diet. She asks Ever Rose if she wants and energy drink and Kayla says, “You know how many calories are in them thangs?” More calories than IQ points in this room, that’s how many. Which I guess isn’t saying much.
Adriana is getting ready and man, what a head of hair that kid has. She’s going to be waxing her forearms before high school, let me tell you.
Jade tells us that Adriana really just turned five but since there is a 30-day fallback, she can compete with the four year old group. “Is it cheating? No it’s not,” Jade says, smiling, like it IS cheating. Jade, if the rules LET you fall back, IT’S NOT. Don’t act like you are getting away with anything, most pageants do this. New people!
I’m trying to klass up the joint with my dream-catcher earrings.
Oh, look, lots of Perfection Studios kids there, you can tell by the mommy t-shirts. Speaking of oversized shirts, Jade is freaking out because they are already running late for beauty – like 40 minutes late. Seriously? Are you new?
They call Adriana’s group up and we see one of the first girls onstage, who the emcee tells us, “Wants to be a tax attorney.” She’s FOUR. How could she know what taxes are? She’s going to be a laugh-riot in school.
Jade says, “We have to stay on top of our game and do everything right to the T.” Could you cliché more? She skips the elevator to take the stairs but forgets that you probably can’t get into each floor – the doors to the hotel are locked for safety reasons. Way to stay on top of things.
“We’re here to win,” she says. Then show up ON TIME, dumbass.
The emcee calls Adriana and she’s not even in the room yet. He calls her again and she’s not there.
But she looks great onstage.
Finally, on call number three, she’s there. She’s cute, but she’s very stiff and not fluid in her movements, she blinks oddly, and she kind of looks like she has to pee. Jade says it brings tears to her eyes because Adriana is doing something, “I know I never could have done.” No shit, you’re a hot mess. And late!
No, wait…here she is, blending into the background.
Madi is getting made up and she’s really spastic while they put her makeup on. “My child hates hairspray,” Kerry says. Madi is freaking out all over the place while they hose her with some AquaNet. She starts making the grandma face and talking like an old person. Exhausting.
What are they using for hairspray, mace?
Kayla says this is the first pageant Ever Rose has done since losing 10 pounds, and of course they never checked to make sure her dress fit before leaving. Turns out it is a leeeetle too big and very blousy. They are trying to pin it together and need butt paste…but they don’t have any so they ask for eyelash glue. Which apparently now comes in BIG ASS LARGE size…because that bottle is huge and has some industrial name (someone mentioned E6000) which I’m guessing is for gluing sheet metal together, not little girls and their dresses. Now they’ve officially moved into hillbilly territory.
Toxic super glue might make her sick enough to lose more weight!
Ever Rose gets onstage and is cute, but her smile is kind of fake and she’s not really smooth in her movements. One pageant judge snipes that the dress was too big and another judge says Ever Rose didn’t look at the judges enough. She just looked off.
Kind of low on energy and the “wow factor” here. Okay, I just used “wow factor” – someone please kill me.
I can’t put my finger on it, but I have done this long enough to know…it wasn’t the WHOLE PACKAGE! Man, I could go for a whole package of Dunkin’ Donuts right now.
Right there with ya, kid.
Madi and Kerry have a cute conversation about being late and nervous. Normal people do NOTHING for a recapper. On the other hand, I love Madi’s pale pink dress with its little bolero jacket – so pretty.
Because the butt paste will liquify!
Madi KICKS ASS onstage – she loves doing this, she’s pretty, she’s smooth and spot-on. “When Madi grows up, she wants to be a professional cheerleader, a pageant coach or a cheer coach,” Emcee Yukon says. Well, that’s how they were able to pay for college – it’s a cheerleading college. Kerry thought Madi could have done better, but the truth is she did a great job. Enjoy the Ultimate Grand Supreme with Canadian Bacon and Pineapple.
Hand her the crown!
Jade keeps saying it’s important to be on time for every event, yet continues to be late for every event. Probably because she’s bringing her A-game, pushing the envelope, thinking outside the box, creating synergy, trying to nail it, bring it, picking the low-hanging fruit, knocking it outta the park and providing value-add.
Casual Wear is up next and Butthead Bonnie says it’s not about wearing everyday clothes as they show a little girl in the teeniest tiniest pair of shorts and halter top dancing like an absolute ho-bag around a cop car. Then you should call it what it is:
“It needs to be full-out custom outfits,” she says, wearing an all-black slouchy shirt.
Emcee Yukon calls for Adriana as Jade tells us they are forty minutes behind schedule. Still? Jade has forgotten Adriana’s number and has to run back to the room to get it. Since Adriana isn’t there, they move on to the next competitor. Oops.
Adriana’s Casual Wear routine.
Ever Rose gets onstage to do “Sharp Dressed Man,” and she has much more energy and personality than she did during beauty. This is just probably more fun for the girls than beauty, let’s face it. She does a great job and one of the judges even confirms that.
I’m on a mission from God.
Jade interviews she hopes they aren’t going to count off on points because they are late. THAT IS HOW IT WORKS! She KNOWS this!
Crisis in Madi-land…they cannot use their own music! Madi has a quick tantrum that include her looking away from her mother, looking back and saying, “Okay.” This kid is awesome.
Madi gets onstage and KICKS ASS PART DEUX! She loves her routine, she has high energy and great personality. Hand her the crown and let’s go for nachos and gossip about what a total bizzitch Bonnie is.
Jade and Adriana get to the ballroom like it’s no big thing, waiting to be called, not putting two and two together when they see the older girls (so later groups) going and when Yukon announces they just saw the LAST CONTESTANT in Casual Wear. Yukon says competition has concluded and see you at 6 for crowning.
Yeah, the sense of urgency to get there on time is evident.
Jade looks confused, mostly because that’s how she rolls. “I thought we were doing Casual Wear next,” she says. We see her talking to Bonnie and asking, “They already did Casual Wear,” and Bonnie’s like, yeah, duh. “So we missed Casual Wear,” Jade snots, like it’s the pageant people’s fault they missed it. Some guy tells her they called for Adriana to come up.
Does not compute…but neither does simple math.
“In the judges’ eyes, if you’re late, you’re late,” Jade says. It wasn’t in the judges’ eyes that you were late, YOU WERE LATE! Forty minutes! You even said so yourself. “I think that’s gonna hurt us,” she says. YA THINK? God, Jade, try to keep up. You know, she’s almost too stupid to make fun of. But I will power through it.
Bonnie actually is pretty nice and lets Adriana go, but everyone in that ballroom has to know Adriana ain’t winning anything big now because she was late and we all know it. Points. OFF.
Look, the mom’s a total idiot, but let’s do it for the kid! The KID!
Yukon announces Adriana and honestly…it was not worth the wait. Adriana didn’t really have a routine, it was a hot mess and she just bounced everywhere. Cranky judge says Adriana is beautiful but needs help on her modeling and her skirt was (gasp!) uneven. So is her mother, so cut her some slack.
“I’m very particular with clothes,” Cranky judge says.
Yes, we can tell. And now I need a cracker to get the “Chhhhccchhhh” noise out of my throat.
The judges are in the boardroom attempting to add up scores and they are clearly flummoxed by math because crowning was supposed to start at 6pm and it’s now 8pm. Wow, what a super-fun day that isn’t at all exhausting.
We’re embezzling, could you step out?
The cameras are shooting into the boardroom (not literally shooting, we didn’t get that lucky), and Bonnie says she cannot let them in there. They must be tokin’ up. Jade says the anticipation is killing her. Oh, Jade, do you really think Adriana has a chance when you were late TWICE? And that’s according to YOU.
Bonnie says they were running behind because they had to add up all the scores. I’m sorry, did you not plan for that? Seems like you could have hired a high school kid to run the calculator for you. She said there were really fierce competitors and Yukon comes out, holding his head, saying they had to break some ties. Bitches, please…use a dart board for breaking ties and let’s go for cocktails. Ruining kids’ lives is what being an adult is all about.
Thems bitches is cray-cray!
“You’re gonna get called for something, I promise,” Jade says, with no real authority to promise anything. What a dumbass this woman is. Also, the chandelier earrings with the oversized t-shirt? Not working and it hasn’t all day.
“I am going to freak out if she gets princess,” Jade says to her friend. Then get Adriana to the events ON TIME. De. Lusional. Or as Gasmii commenters prefer, Delusiona. She’s on next week, I think.
Adriana’s category is up first. Photogenic and Casual Wear winner…oh, you know this isn’t Adriana, and it isn’t. Princesses next…not Adriana…not Adriana…and? ADRIANA! She’s thrilled but Jade is pissed. “You gotta be kidding me,” she says. She interviews that crowning did not go as planned.
Raise your hand if you’re confident…you’re a tooootal loser.
Jade, if you or Aunt Jordann are reading this, let me explain this to you so you can understand: When you show up late to one of the categories, points are counted off. You YOURSELF said you were forty minutes late to both Beauty and Casual Wear. In fact, they had to re-open the pageant to have you do Casual Wear (now I know editing plays a part, but it clearly did not in this section). Points were taken off for your inability to read a clock. Lower points means a lower overall score which means you don’t get a high title. Personally, I thought you were lucky to get Princess, I would have shoved a participation award in your hand and pushed you out the nearest exit. DO YOU UNDERSTAND NOW? Because you seem to waiver between understanding this rule entirely and having no comprehension of how pageants work.
I need to go to my happy place.
Ever Rose’s group is up and Kayla is sure she’s going to win. Photogenic and Casual Wear winner…not Ever Rose! Princess…not Ever Rose! So she pulls for a higher title. Kind of surprising, I thought she’d get Queen in her age group.
Should have made her lose another 10 to get the ultimate grand…
Madi’s group is next. Divisional Supreme…not Madi! So she moves on.
Novice Supreme winner…not our girls! 2011 Face Winner…Ever Rose! She says she won because she’s so pretty. That’s a nice memory you can hang on to as you age.
Way to cover up the winning face!
Ultimate Grand Supreme is no big surprise, it’s Madi! She totally earned it and she’s very cute about it. Done and done!
Justice! Well…I think we all knew she was going to win.
“Apparently at this pageant, they like the blondes with the blue eyes,” Jade snots. They also like people showing up ON TIME. And let’s not forget Ever Rose’s win – she’s got the exact same coloring as Adriana, just less body hair, I’m guessing. “I was so disgusted with that,” she finishes. Jade, you were late. Not once, but twice that we saw and you admitted to. It has nothing to do with being blonde and blue-eyed, it has to do with being prepared and on time. Please put Adriana into badminton or something, I don’t think she’s as into pageants as you are.
Yes, here is a blonde winning now.
“Rarely see any dark-headed girl, and Adriana was the only dark-headed girl in her group,” Jade interviews. “And of course, she didn’t get anything.” Yes, she did, and I think you should be grateful for what you got. But please continue to blame everyone else for your loss except the person you see in the mirror, if you actually do get a reflection.
“After being in this pageant and seeing what I’ve been told about the blondes always winning, I’m not sure we’ll come back to Arkansas and do another one. I don’t think I’m going to let that really stop me,” she says.
“We will put off buying a house a little longer as long as I can keep doing pageants,” Jade says, smiling. Well there it is – this woman is a moron. Reasoning with her won’t work, and if you put off buying a home for your kid’s hobby, and you don’t take it seriously enough to do it right, you need a scoop of shut the hell up and stop complaining. Jade, thank you for making up for the Kerry/Madi normalcy. You truly are a hot mess of clueless and TVGasm loves you for it.
Kayla says their first national pageant experience was awesome – “We’re going home with crowns and sashes and money,” she says. “You couldn’t ask for anything more.” OMG, I bet they get into the Gazette when they get home – front page! “Hard work pays off,” she says. Sometimes.
“It feels good to be skinny,” Adriana says. Oh honey, you are just fine as you are!
Madi acts like Grandma and says, “Do you really want me to take a bow?” and she does. Please put your teeth in, Grandma!
The excitement is too much and granny has a stroke.
Until then check out the previous full recaps and minicaps – and the crazy pageant parents who test us! To get the funniest quotes from TVgasm recaps as they’re posted, follow us on Twitter or like our Facebook page! You can post your favorite lines right back at us. Thanks for being here!