Audrey Jr. will class the joint up!
God I love this show! This episode of Toddlers & Tiaras takes us to Texas for the Universal Royalty Hollywood pageant with our good friend Annette Hill. You know how she likes to make it rain money with her $10,000 cash prizes!
Holla for a dolla, honey boo-boo child!
The theme is Old Hollywood which I totally love and think is a great idea – I especially love the little kid who is dressed like Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany’s – great choice! I am a little confused about the girl dressed as a blue parrot…even if that is outfit of choice, I think that is a terrible…outfit AND choice.
Is this from a cereal that no longer exists?
Annette tries to get us to believe that everyone here is in battle because there are “top notch contestants” attending the pageant. There are also the three girls we’re following.
First up in Corpus Christi, Texas is our asthmatic genius, Isys, 6 and her clueless mother Erika. Now Isis was one of my favorite shows growing up, but I would never name a kid that – how will she be taken seriously when she’s eschewing sorority rush at Harvard? Wonder if she has a son named Shazam?
Almighty Isys needs a copy of War and Peace for some light reading.
Isys is very congested and I had to turn on my closed captioning just to understand her words. Then she coughs like a TB patient.
Speaking of being sick, mom Erika tells Isys that after she won her second crown, she had to go to the emergency room. “Remember?” Erika asks. “Because you were sick?” Holy shit! Your kid was so sick she had to go to the emergency room and instead of going there FIRST you made her finish her pageant? That’s cold, bitch, that’s cold.
And those earrings don’t make me love you either.
“I WILL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES FOR MY DAUGHTER ISYS TO WIN,” Erika enunciates every single word. Yeah, you made that clear with the emergency room comment.
Erika asks Isys if she wants to do her beauty walk. Nope. “I wanna do nothing,” she says. Erika admits she thinks it’s more important for her to see Isys win than it is for Isys because, “She doesn’t quite understand winning.” Bet she understand getting sick. Isys yawns bigtime and continues to be very sleepy throughout the episode. I wonder with her asthma if she has some kind of sleep apnea thing going on – I mean seriously, this kid seems exhausted like someone who isn’t breathing/sleeping correctly. How about glitzing up a trip to the doctor to find out her real issues?
“I don’t like getting my makeup done,” she says through her congestion. She sticks her tongue out.
Isys has her mother read one of the trophies and Erika says that was a bad pageant. Isys had been doing pageants for over a year, she tells us, when she got fourth runner up. “And…I was pissed,” Erika says, adding they are on their way back to winning $10,000. Yeah, I really don’t think so.
“Lemme see your smile,” Erika says to Isys’s emphatic NO! Erika tells us Isys does not wear her Coke-bottle old-lady glasses onstage during pageants. “I don’t know how she sees, actually. But she does,” she laughs. Are you kidding me with this? Your poor kid has to put up going to pageants she clearly doesn’t like and then forced to get onstage and HOPEFULLY make eye contact with the judges and even more hopefully doesn’t fall off the damn stage, and you think that is acceptable? HATE.
In Lake Jackson, Texas, we see a hideously painted emerald green, yellow and red house (clearly no meddling neighborhood association here!) and we meet an even worse parent than Erika, Marina, WHO IS RUSSIAN AND DON’T YOU FORGET IT, HATERS!
She seems normal and the facial twitch seems cute. Now.
Daughter Mia, 4, is adorable with her blue eyes/blonde hair and little tiny freckles – oh, I can see them!
Let the bidding for adopting her begin!
Marina calls herself “Mamma Mia,” because that is just so funny the second, third and fourth times. Marina has a teeny bit of a facial tick where she scrunches up her nose and squints her eyes – wasn’t a big deal the first time I watched but knowing how out of control this gets by the end of the show, it’s very noticeable now.
Marina says when she was a kid in Russia, she was really competitive in sports and now she’s competitive as a pageant mom. She says it’s just like a sport and “It’s my life,” she says. And death as we shall see.
She seems really loving to Mia and says they are going to rock the stage and blow everyone away. Let’s see how that works out for you all.
In Conway, Arkansas, we meet Saliz, 7, and when I first watched this I thought she said she was a girl impersonator, but she really said she’s a “diva impersonator.” Is that worse than being a real diva?
Just a weeeeee bit too confident, methinks.
Mom Sarah says her daughter is the next big thing. Oh, they all are. Sarah says Saliz did her first pageant when she was 11 months old and why? “Because I had a beautiful baby and I wanted the whole world to know about it,” Sarah says. Or you just wanted the whole world to know someone actually banged you, just another way to look at things.
Saliz didn’t win the $10,000 last year (and if it is the pageant profiled on T&T, then someone with big boobs won) but she says she’s going to get it this year. Honestly, I’m not sure I’m seeing that. Both Saliz and her mother want Saliz to be a superstar…but what does that mean? Sarah says she will become a “household name” (like Pledge?) and she might have her own TV show, album or clothing line. So basically, you are raising a brand, not something with any real talent? Because you’d best move to LA now – they don’t come looking for brands in Arkansas unless you are in Bentonville.
“You can have a Beyonce, a Tina…why can’t you have a Saliz?” Uh, because the two women you mentioned actually have talent and good business sense. Just food for thought.
Erika has taken Isys and some unnamed other child to Teffany’s Dance Studio where she says, “We do not have a routine and we need that to win $10,000.” So your plan to win the ten grand is to take a kid who is clearly sick and hates pageants and make her learn a routine in 48 hours? Man! She should work for NASA her plan is just that precise.
“Oh my goodness, we have a lot of work,” Teffany says but wait a minute. Is that a man? The voice says man, the face kind of does too, but I’m not sure about the Adam’s apple because his neck is covered up by the graphics on the bottom showing his/her name.
Name that gender!
Teffany asks Isys to do her skips and Isys coughs/sneezes/something involving flem/snot, and she just stands there. “Five, six, seven, eight,” Teffany says while Isys hacks up a lung and requests some water. Diva!
“Are you going to start like that onstage?” Teffany asks. Jesus, get the kid some water! GET HER THE WATER! Where’s Shirley Maclaine when you need her?
Teffany counts off again and Isys just sputters. They really should have named that poor kid Mabel or Madge or Pearl or something. Isys just shuffles her feet backwards and looks like she wishes the sweet embrace of death would envelope her. Maude would also be a good name for her.
Erika says it’s very frustrating when Isys doesn’t give it her “a-hundred percent.” Maybe it’s because she is barely breathing and could use an oxygen tank. Erika bitches that she puts so much so much work into it, including driving out of town for lessons and spend thousands of dollars on Isys’s wardrobe. How about spending that time and money on something that kid might actually be interested in, like a new set up lungs and some Harry Potter books?
Isys could not be less interested in learning this new dance and Teffany says this is going to be a lot for Isys to remember in just two days. “I’m looking for a miracle,” Teffany says. I’m looking for the winning lottery ticket, yet here we both are spending time with Erika and her bubonic-plagued daughter.
When Teffany finishes the routine, Isys hold her hand to her head. It’s probably scarlet fever, but the good news is you may not need those glasses much longer.
Right, Mary Ingalls?
Back with crazy #2, Mia tells us she practices every day for the pageant. Her parents bring out two judges in stuffed bear form…one U.S. and one Russian.
Marina says that her husband is also involved with the pageants (yeah, it’s called paying for them). She says that her friend had told him about her when she was still in Russia, and that he was looking for a Russian wife…and all that that implies, I’m guessing. “We talked through internet…and then we get married,” Marina says. I think you missed the part about where he paid you a lot of money and got you that sweet nectar called U.S. citizenship in exchange for marrying him.
Seems normal here, too. Psych!
We see their wedding photo and she looks very pretty and sane. But now the honeymoon’s over as Marina grills Mia for the pageant the way a Russian coach would grill an oddly small gymnast about a week before the Olympics. “Balance! Sparkle!” She’s FOUR! Give her a break!
Marina says she’s very competitive because she’s Russian and it’s in her blood. Which I believe also makes her blood 1/3 potato vodka. “Start over!” she says firmly. “Or I’m sending you to a labor camp in Siberia!” is implied in the tone.
She starts yelling at Mia to look at the judges, no, over there, over here, no! Marina then interviews that she wants everything perfect, which is pretty feasible with a four year old.
Mia says, “I practice for my mommy and my poppy…I want them to love me so much,” she says. I cannot stand kids in any way, shape or form and that sentence just broke my heart. Or at least broke what’s left of it. “They really love me so much ‘cause when I do good they love me.”
“That was good but you still have a couple of mistakes,” Marina says. Mia just looks sad.
I try to be perfect to be worthy of their love.
Here come Saliz and her mother into a pageant dress shop to do a final fitting on the pageant dress. Sarah tells us they don’t know the final cost of the dress (that seems kind of stupid) but it’s loaded with stones so it’s going to be, “The priciest dress we’ve ever owned.” Yep. It is jewel-encrusted with flowers and feathers and the kitchen sink. Final dress cost, $1200. You can tell Sarah thinks they’ll make that money back when they win the $10,000 prize. Just like every other mother is justifying to herself too.
Marina has brought Mia to a nursing home to perform and make life generally nice for people waiting out the clock and the inability to leave the common room on their own. Mia is dressed as a traditional Russian girl/doll and she is going to dance the traditional Russian dance. They start the music and she dances, but in the back of the room her mother is doing all the pageant faces and showing her what to do – like it’s a pageant but not. Then Mia starts running around in circles and it’s not so much a dance as much as a Benny Hill skit.
Dance, monkey, DANCE!
“Old people love her so much,” Marina says. Yeah, they are probably looking to get their hands on her young soul, not watching her waste her youth by running around in circles. The audience looks bored but politely applauds when Mia is finished running around like a tornado.
Her dance is crazier than my nails!
One of the home’s caretakers says the people really like having Mia there, “Because it gives them something else to look at.” Other than what? The staring outside window?
“Mama told me what to do and I listened to her,” Mia says, dutifully. “I’m really proud of her. I’m proud of myself too,” she says, which is good, because that is the last time we’re going to hear that for awhile.
Almighty ISYS…ISYS…ISYS…she does not look thrilled to be getting her nails done, but Erika takes these pageants, “Very seriously.”
The nail tech asks what they wanted to do for Isys’s nails and Erika says they want acrylics. The nail tech is like, “You don’t want to do paint?” and Erika snots back, “It’s REQUIRED.” Yeah, I doubt damaging your child’s natural nails is required. Annette hasn’t been drinking that much.
The nail tech interviews that she was skeptical about giving a six year old acrylic nails. “It’s really for an adult,” she says, showing she has A SOUL.
The drill on Isys’s fingernails hurts her and the nail tech is trying so hard to be gentle. Erika interviews that Isys’s natural beauty is what sets her apart. Oooh. Bad news on that front. She’s not a pageant girl. She’s a Bryn Mawr girl.
The nail tech starts doing her nails manually, with a file, and Erika kind of gets pissy and tells Isys is doesn’t hurt, but the nail tech says it was hurting her. Because she listens to your daughter when you won’t, bitch!
Mommy snipers, WHERE ARE YOU?
“Some of the girls, without makeup, are not as pretty,” Erika says, smiling knowingly, although what she knows is completely not true. Isys is cute, but in a runny-nose, you-know-she’ll-be-a-fine-adult kind of way. But right now, she’s looks like flemy and crusty little kid.
Isys looks at the camera and it’s like she wants someone to save her, but the production crew is like one for the nature shows – not allowed to interfere with what is going on in front of them. Her face is so sad and one I hope DCFS saw.
Pageant day in Austin, Texas! Old Hollywood glam is going to be all over the stage…how the hell did Tina Turner get in there? And is that Lady Gaga? What the hell?
Isys is having her makeup done and she is falling asleep. Why is she so tired when she’s slept all night? Isys interviews that she’s tired and she doesn’t feel well. This kid is SICK! Take her home! And I seriously wonder if she’s having a breathing problem that is interfering with her sleep cycle, this kid is like on the lowest energy ever…and no Go-Go Juice is going to help this poor thing. And if she’s sick – whether she got sick or is making herself sick – it’s because she HATES PAGEANTS!
The excitement is excruciating.
Erika interviews that Isys had a very late night (because she was at the club late?) and she doesn’t know if Isys is going to “perform” today. Kid can’t keep her eyes closed. I’m pretty sure “performing” is off the table. Isys sneezes. Oh yeah, she’s sick.
“I want to go back to bed and go to sleep,” she interviews while scratching her neck. Her eczema is probably kicking in now too. I’ve got a great dermatologist I can recommend…I mean, he’s a veterinary dermatologist, but he still does that whole stick-test and charges a ton, so it will feel like going to a people doctor.
Marina apparently had some Go-Go Juice because she’s acting hyper and says, “I’m feeling crazy!” She seems like she’s in a good mood. “Breathe mama breathe…” she says to no one in particular.
Whistle while you denigrate!
“My mama is acting a little different today,” Mia says. And how. Marina starts saying, “Yellow cover! Yellow cover!” over and over again. What the hell is she talking about? Oh, she needs to get the yellow plastic cover to cover up Mia’s dress. The important thing is nobody panicked.
Marina tells us she was disappointed with the hair and makeup, which looks fine, but some of the curls have fallen so she busts in and pretty much cuts in front of everyone to get those few pieces curled. The hair and makeup person we’ve seen before…I’m too lazy to go and look at her name, but in this one she has the patience of a saint to deal with Marina. “Now tell your mama to stop stressing and leave me alone, you’re good,” she tells Mia. Heh.
Saliz is getting ready and Sarah is freaking out and sticks herself with a pin. There’s not much else here, so we head over to the beauty competition.
Beauty is up first and is “75% of the scoring,” according to Annette. They look at beauty inside and out. Then they’d better divert their attention away from Marina when she enters the room.
Also…black woman with white baby? I don’t think genetics works this way.
Marina is getting high off of the hairspray she’s hosing Mia with, then Mia starts saying, “Micha! Micha!” Micha is a tiny teddy bear they only give to Mia when she’s at pageants because otherwise when she holds him she sucks her thumb. Like every other little kid in the history of the world. It’s really sad how much she loves that bear and how they only let her have him when she performs. There is something really sick about that.
“Seeing Micha is the best part of the pageant,” Mia says with her little sunshine-y face. God, I hate her parents so much! More than Jamie Sterling!
Talking about Micha turns her into sunshine.
Beauty Wear is first…Marina is putting lip gloss on Mia and says, “You lose, no money.” The important thing is that you put that pressure on her right before she goes onstage.
Mia gets onstage and she is perfect…great smile, great walk, beautiful face – she is ON. That dress is the perfect Barbie pink and she looks great. Annette says, “Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Mia…” but Mia stays onstage. So Annette says it again and Mia keeps walking around the stage. We hear dramatic music to let us know something is REALLY WRONG. REALLY! Marina twitches her face.
And the transformation begins…
“Thank you Miss Mia,” Annette says and Marina indicates to Mia to get off the stage. And here we go.
“For me, she was really good,” Marina says, “but director cut her down.” Uh what? Sitting down next to her husband, Marina throws her hands up and says, “She cut her again, she cut her again, same thing.” She crosses her arms and is pissed.
Marina’s husband Ray says Marina was mad because Annette cut Mia’s beauty walk short, “And it’s happened before.” That doesn’t seem like Annette…are they sure they understand the right amount of time Mia is supposed to be up there? “She’s very emotional,” Ray says.
And it continues to get worse…
“You did good Mia, I liked it,” Ray says to Mia who can totally see that her mother is upset and probably assumes it’s her fault. You can see it in her face. “Why is mama like that?” and Ray says, “Made it too long,” which makes it sound like it’s Mia’s fault…which was not what happened, right? Why blame the kid?
Marina’s face starts twitching and she’s scrunching her nose and twitching her eyes and it’s really creepy – I hope she sees this and realizes how mental that looks. She interviews that nobody told her how long Mia was supposed to be onstage, which I find hard to believe…seems like that is probably in the rules or the outline of the pageant registration form. Marina complains that the other girls have full time.
“Let’s go change her,” Marina says, grabbing Mia and pulling her out of the room. Mia asks, “Did I do good?” and Marina doesn’t say a word to her. “I’m mad, I’m really mad,” Marina interviews.
And back in their hotel room, she really loses her shit. Where did those two boys come from? Anyway, Marina interviews that Annette cut Mia down, “Saying ‘Go away Mia from stage, we don’t want you here!’” Yeah, I’m pretty sure what she said was, “Thank you Mia…Miss Mia!” Not sure how you went from that to Annette cutting her down in no way, shape or form, but perhaps you have X-ray, uh, hearing?
“This mean you lose,” Marina tells Mia, who immediately counters with, “I’m gonna win!” Marina tells her, “Forget about it. Forever.” Geez, dramatic much? “You’re not gonna win.” Wow. Really? Telling a four year old that when the pageant has like 2 more categories to go? “You already lose, baby.” What a total cooch monkey! If you really believe that, then go home now.
There’s that Russian can’t-do spirit!
Marina interviews that all she expects for Mia now is queen, which is “nothing.” She totally breaks down crying in the hotel room and Ray tries to console her. Mia is totally confused.
“She did this on purpose,” Marina says about Annette. “She cut her down, middle of routine! I want to go home, I don’t want to continue.” Ray thinks they should stay so Mia can do her two other things. Then Marina goes totally batshit.
The shit totally hitting the fan and splattering everywhere.
“They hate her! They hate her! And Annette hate her!” Marina screams. The boys look like they wish they were dead and Mia escapes from the hotel room, goes down the hall and stands in the corner clutching Mia. Yeah, I’m sort of thinking family counseling might do them some good, especially once they have Marina committed. “Where’s Mia?” Marina screams.
Down the hall, splitting into several personalities, I’m guessing.
Isys is getting ready to go on and she’s smacking her mother. Well, I see her point, but that’s not cool. Erika says that when Isys is at a pageant, her demeanor changes from sweet to diva devil. And you find this acceptable and not at all troubling?
Isys is shown telling her mother to leave her alone. Erika isn’t even talking to her or looking at her, and she interviews that Isys likes to scratch – and we see her scratch her mother. Okay, asthmatic nerd or not, I’d beat the shit out of that kid. Scratching or biting deserves a swift kick in the ass. But I think we all know she’s just acting out how much she hates these pageants and that she’s sick.
Isys gets onstage and she smiles, but there is no enthusiasm, no interest and her face looks like she smells something rotten. Probably her mother’s parenting skills. Erika says since Isys doesn’t wear her glasses onstage, she’s not sure if she can see the judges. Uh, if she wears glasses and you take them off of her, she CAN’T SEE, you dumb bitch. Is that really worth $10,000, to make your kid miserable like this? I mean, I’d make a kid miserable for $50, but not my own. Jesus!
You people really smell.
Judge Rich says he could tell Isys’s heart was not in it. Probably because she hates pageants and her heart is trying to leave her chest to go watch NOVA. Judge Rich says she looked, “I don’t know…miserable.” Yuuup. Erika, completely in denial about everything, at least has the courtesy to tell Isys she did well and she’s proud of her. Points for that.
Saliz is up and she’s cute but she really isn’t pageant pretty. She isn’t quite as polished as she could be and honestly, I think she needs more makeup – she looks almost too plain for these pageants. I’m going with, “Meh!” on this one, but mom is thrilled.
Seems like half the package instead of the whole one for some reason.
Back with Russian Fetal Alcohol Syndrome Marina, we hear Ray say, “Please step out of your anger and do this for our family,” as we see Mia’s two brothers spending time in the hallway with Mia. “Just finish…hold your head high and finish,” Ray says. That’s probably not the first time he’s told her that, ba-dum-bum.
Marina interviews, “Basically, we’ve got to finish because it’s not about me.” You sure about that? “It’s not my feelings, it’s hers,” she says, crying. Yes, you are soooo believable.
Marina screams, “She’s not done with hair or anything!” Ray has the patience of a saint.
Next up is Celebrity Wear for “Old School Hollywood.” I do think that they must have mixed footage for this with Outfit of Choice or whatever the hell else they did, because some people weren’t even close to Hollywood let alone Old Hollywood.
Including this satanic Shirley Temple, what the hell?
Annette checks in with Marina asking her if she’s alright and Marina won’t look at her but just shakes her head. Ray tells Annette everything will be alright. Poor Annette.
Marina interviews that Celebrity Wear isn’t important for her because “I know she’s lost.” Great attitude.
Then she calls Annette out for a cagefight!
Mia gets onstage and does Shirley Temple (how original – bet we won’t see many more of those!) and Mia actually does sing Animal Crackers and she’s cute. Judge Ray says 5 other girls did Shirley Temple (including one who looks like she interpreted it as Horror Movie Shirley – yikes!) but Mia stuck out because she sang the song, the other girls didn’t. “That was impressive,” he says. What difference does it make when Mia’s nothing but a huge loser? Right Marina?
The next girl up does Shirley Temple too, starting out sweet then turning it into a Madonna video. It’s pretty funny, actually. Marina is PISSED. “I was feel stupid today because we did Hollywood 1920s, 1930s…we did just exactly what the rules say.” (So there WERE rules…bet they listed the times for Beauty Walk, didn’t they?). So you are pissed because you followed the rules? What won’t you blame for Mia’s loss? I’ll give you a hint: It’s in the mirror and it needs to shut the f#ck up!
And I think we all agree that this must stop.
Marina wants to leave because she doesn’t want to watch this anymore and she complains that everybody is doing whatever they want to do. “Maybe they don’t want to be involved with Russian people in the pageants no more,” she says. Yes, I am sure it’s because you are RUSSIAN and we are so anti-Russian right now. Bitch, have you seen the way we treat Mexicans? Nobody gives a shit about Russians since the Berlin Wall came down and the Cold War ended. Narcissistic bitch.
Back in the hotel room, Marina goes double bat-shit and says she’s been working for this for three years. Yeah, Mia is four. Seriously? You’ve been working on this for three years? “Three LONG years!” Mia is sitting with Micha putting lip gloss on him.
Despite the painted-on smile, this is the saddest bear ever.
“If somebody comes and spit in your face,” she says, red-faced, “are you going to continue to do positive for this person?” she says. Who the hell spit in your face? Annette said, “Thank you Miss Mia.” Did she spray it instead of saying it? What pageant was Marina watching?
Ray says to, “Turn the other cheek and never speak to them again.” Wait, is that really turning the other cheek? “Be a bigger person, Marina.” The camera pans over and Mia is laying down under the bureau clutching her Micha. What a bunch of total f#cknuts, I swear to God. That poor little girl.
Does anyone want to make sure she’s still breathing?
Back in the pageant room, Isys is sucking on her inhaler, always a good sign, and Erika tells us that for Celebrity Wear (remember, Old Hollywood), Isys is going to be doing a J-Lo routine. Aw, I remember when J-Lo did Philadelphia Story with Cary Grant! Talk about Old Hollywood. What the shit?
Erika says she’s worried about Isys because she’s not feeling well, her asthma has kicked in and she’s feverish. By all means, please push her through the rest of this stupid pageant.
Isys gets onstage and begins dancing, then all of a sudden stops and completely forgets her routine. She looks at her mother and shrugs. Bonus points for that! One judge says that Isys did freeze and at that age they expect them have their routines memorized. Oh, sucks to be you, Poindexter!
What the hell do you want from me? I have a temperature of 105!
Erika flatlines, “Isys forgot her routine.” She blinks. Bye-bye money. “How come you forgot?” Erika says to Isys when she gets offstage. Well, let’s see…she hates pageants, her asthma has kicked in, she has a fever, and she only had two days to memorize a routine. There are four reasons, you stupid bitch, pick your favorite and have that be the reason.
Isys is going to need a lot of luck finding her inhaler now.
Saliz is up and is Nicki Minaj which isn’t even Hollywood. Her outfit is kind of a mess, her routine is sloppy and she half-assed sings it. Judge Ray said he didn’t think that was age-appropriate but it was also a half-performance, like she was singing in the car. Heh. “That does NOT cut it, come on,” he snots. Have you met David Perez? You guys would make a FAAAAAHHHHBULOUS couple.
Are you really taking this pageant seriously or is this just dress up play time?
The judges give their opinions and say they thought Mia shined in beauty and she stood on the stage “at least 25 seconds longer than everybody else” even when Annette was indicating she should get off the stage, or as Marina puts it, “GET OFF THE STAGE YOU RUSSIAN HALF-BREED!” They say that Isys looked miserable and was very stressed. Finally, they say Saliz’s beauty dress was beautiful and she looked natural, but the lip-syncing at that age should be as good at Janet Jackson’s. They thought she could have been a lot cleaner and “something was missing” from her performance.
Crowning! Annette is ready to wet herself about the $10,000. First up, Mia’s age group. Marina says crowning is not important right now because she knows Mia has already lost. So Marina’s way of coping is sitting outside in the hallway sulking with her arms and legs crossed like a moody, bitch-ass teenager (and I know that pose first-hand). Ray is really regretting not going the Thai route instead of Russian, let me tell you.
She is so NOT The Thinker.
Mia is…not queen! Which means she probably pulled out for a higher title. Unfortunately, she doesn’t realize it and she starts to cry. Her brothers explain to her that she has a good chance to win the money and they beg her not to cry. It’s really sweet.
But maybe the pouting will help you get your way instead.
Saliz and Isys are up next…Most Beautiful…Isys. Really? That’s odd. Photogenic (Photoshopped)…Isys! WTF? Did mom pay for those categories? Miss Congeniality (Fat)…Saliz! Queen…at this point, Erika interviews that the title they are hoping to win is Ultimate Grand Supreme…because she clearly believes they entered a winner today. She says as long as Isys pulls for a higher title, SHE’LL be okay. And that’s the important thing to remember on the way to the emergency room for Isys’s asthma attack.
So…Queen…ISYS! Erika closes her eyes and puts her head in her hand. She’s pissed. Because she was watching another pageant. Saliz pulls out for a higher title.
Great! Now we’ll have to wait in the emergency room WITHOUT a tiara!
Erika says, “I’m pissed with the results because the other girl got Congeniality and some other crap, and she pulls out? That doesn’t make sense.” Klassy.
Here’s hoping there is a bottle of Children’s Tylenol in the bouquet.
Sarah tells Saliz that she’s pulled for a bigger title and will be getting some money. Saliz is thrilled and Sarah is so proud. She honestly believes Saliz is getting the $10,000.
I PROMISE you cash and lots of it, finger-swear!
Isys says she won $100 today and Erika says in a dead voice, “Yay. Prizes.” Bitch. “I’m going to use it to get me a puppy,” Isys says. Please don’t, your mother will probably eat it when it doesn’t win Westminster.
Isys asks her mother, “What did I get?” and Erika answers, “You got queen,” shrugging and finishing, “It’s okay.” She turns to other kid and says, “This is a bunch of bullcrap.” Erika, I think you should consider it a bunch of luck, your kid did not perform well today and she hates pageants. Just a head’s up.
You disappoint mommy in so many ways…
And in super-klassy style, Erika states, “We’re done. Let’s go,” and they gather their things while Isys asks why she’s mad. Lying, Erika says, “I’m not mad I’m just ready to leave.” Way to hide it, sore loser.
Erika interviews she doesn’t feel like “wasting her time” at the pageant any longer. “I should have just stayed home,” she says. NOW YOU GET IT! Isys would have preferred that too you stupid cooch. She bitches all the way back to the car.
Sore losers are free to go.
“Isys loves being onstage,” Erika says, despite all proof to the contrary. “We’re still going to do pageants, we’re just going to do fair ones,” she says. Spoken by a true sore loser.
Annette interviews that the hardest thing about glitz pageants is that not everybody can win. Yeah, that’s called capitalism, and China is kicking our asses because they don’t have kindergarten graduations, elementary school graduations, middle school graduations and high school graduations, and continually sets the bar so low even a well-trained gerbil could reach them. In China you either get a PhD or spend your days in slave-labor in factories. You don’t quit because something isn’t deemed fair because you didn’t win. If you don’t like it here, GO TO RUSSIA!
Watch it – you’ll grind those teeth down to nubs if you’re not careful!
And speaking of…Supreme titles are up! One of Mia’s brothers is telling crazy Marina that Mia may get a higher title. Marina snots that beauty supreme or photo supreme is not a high title. It’s a supreme, isn’t it? I mean a small supreme pizza and medium supreme pizza are BOTH SUPREMES, right?
Ultimate Photo Supreme…not our girls! Mia is crying and tells her dad, “I’m not going to win the $10,000! Forget about it!” Wow, that like-mother-like-daughter thing took less than 24 hours!
Universal Royalty National Novice Supreme…is…Miss MIA! YAY! Marina is still in the hallway and makes a bitch-ass face. Way to support your daughter. One of the boys tells her to go in and she says, “It’s nothing. It’s nothing for me!” Well, it’s something for your daughter and didn’t you lie and say this was about her? Can you not show your pride in your daughter by supporting her? You really should have Mia taken away from you, you cold-hearted bitch. You and Erika should cagematch – two bad mothers enter, hopefully neither leaves. You both suck it bigtime.
The makeup artist who worked on Mia tells Marina she’s going to say something ugly and harsh, then says, “Nothing is all those kids who just walked out of this building WITH NOTHING.” Marina says she understands but she doesn’t. “Your kid is walking out with a crown,” makeup lady says. “And a high title at that.”
Bitch, you are totally wrecking your daughter…OVER A PAGEANT!
“Basically, I have $500 but still…I don’t have anything,” Marina says. Yeah, that’s not your money. You sure as shit didn’t earn it.
Coming off the stage, Mia runs to her mother and screams she won money and Marina could not be colder to her. She says she wants to go to Sea World. Somebody take her! Without Marina!
Mommy, share in my success or I shall seek approval by being a slut in high school!
Sarah is convinced Saliz won the Ultimate Grand and the ten grand…Annette announces the Ultimate Grand Supreme is…Miss Meaghan.
The precise moment of complete and utter devastation. It’s like watching a nature show, really.
Saliz is stunned and sits down to cry. The winner is an eleven year old in the body of a 20 year old. Really? There is no way that girl is eleven, I’m guessing that was a typo and it was supposed to be 17.
Oh MY ASS she’s 11.
Saliz has a complete meltdown and her mother is consoling her. Sarah says she’s happy with the awards Saliz won and she wishes they won some money, but she really shouldn’t have said anything about her winning the big prize…you just can never be sure.
Saliz interviews that her mother promised she’d win money, which she kind of did say. Saliz says she’s very sad about her loss and she looks like she’s going to kill herself. “I want to take my dress off…NOW.”
Why don’t you just give me a huge paper cut and pour salt in it?
Mia says to her mother, “I told ya I’d win something!” and she’s all sunshine and smiles and her mother is all Russian Revolution and Stalin on her ass.
“My mommy is sort of happy,” Mia interviews. Her brother says, “Give mom the roses,” and when Mia does, Marina doesn’t take them but instead just looks away and ignores them, then finally takes them. That poor little girl is going to be chasing her mother’s approval her entire life.
“Miss Annette, basically, ruined my day,” Marina says. No, that was YOU. You ruined your own day, and Mia’s day, and Ray’s day (and life) and your sons’ day. “Like, ruined my life, ruined my dreams, everything,” she finishes. She ruined your life by doing a pageant where your daughter won an ultimate supreme title. Ruined your life. Your dreams. Your everything.
Mia says she wants to take Micha to Sea World to touch the dolphins and ride the roller coaster. She looks away and looks very sad. God, Marina is a horrible mother. Maybe they can send her back to Russia and get Mary Poppins or Fruelein Maria to stop by. Wait, aren’t they the same woman?
You love me, don’t you Micha?
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