Toddlers & Tiaras: You Can’t Fix Stupid

Toddlers and Tiaras

By DearCrabby | Sunday, April 15, 2012 | 1:25 pm | 78 Comments

Boneless chicken ranch survivor or she really needs to take a crap.

The Southern Celebrity – Fairytale Winter Pageant on this week’s Toddlers & Tiaras takes us to my favorite place, the literally gold-topped capital of Charleston, West Virginia!

YAAAAAAY!

Pageant Director Maxine Tinnel is sporting much straighter hair, courtesy of what may be extensions, and she looks great (although I also love her curly hair too).  This woman must have the patience of a saint.

 Workin’ the long locks – nice!

Maxine tells us to do a pageant you have to be cute, but put hair and makeup together and that works too.  Not sure I’m buying that, Maxine!

First up in St. Albans, West Virginia, we meet our reasonably normal family, daughter Ava, 6, and mom, Jennifer.  Ava has a lot of crowns from her 100+ pageants and her mom says a lot of people coming to this pageant may think West Virginians are bumpkins and if so, “They’ve got another thing coming.”

 Hello normal mom…get ready for the Crazy Train, departing in the next hour.

Ava is hilarious when she says, “People…they can’t beat me…I’m so good.”  I enjoy a healthy ego and she’s pretty funny about it.

 Face it…adorable!

Next up in Cincinnati, Ohio, we meet Gabby, 8, and mom, Beth, who are telling us that “Beauty is pain.”  Well, plucking ain’t no fun, I’ll give you that.  Beth tells us that Gabby is the total package because they have beauty and brains.  Yeah, the judges don’t care about the latter, let me assure you.

Who’s got two thumbs and is going to have her ass handed to her?  THIS GIRL. 

Beth makes all of Gabby’s clothes for the weekend and Gabby calls her “awesome.”  Aww.  She is trying on her flipper as Beth tells us that Gabby has been in 12 pageants and they hope this is lucky 13.  Wait, what?  Only 12 pageants?  Ooh, girl, get ready for your participation award unless you really know your shit.  Some of these pageant girls are pros when they come out of the womb!

 Just like Freulein Maria and the drapes from her room.

Finally back in Chillicothe, Ohio, we’re back with Alaska,9, but thank God not her stoner brother Braxton who had the personality of wallpaper paste.  We saw Alaska last when her mother pretty much felt the stoner brother was going to mop the floor with her…basically calling her a loser.  But Alaska has been winning crowns and puppies ever since and now her mother is totally on Team Alaska.

She seems sweet, but she’s really a Sour Patch to the core.

“I’m Lori, and my pageant arsenal is packed and ready for war,” mom Lori says.  Lori says originally Alaska had to watch Braxton win, but then something clicked and she started kicking ass.  Unfortunately, she got a bad attitude to go with it as we shall see.

 REOUR!  Let the unnecessary cat fighting begin!

Lori tries to coach Alaska on one part of her routine and having found her balls, Alaska tells her mother that no, “Shutting it down” isn’t good, so Lori says she’ll shut her mouth down.  Well, there’s a first time for every pageant mom I guess.

 The only way Lori can speak no evil.

Back in Cincinnati, Beth and Gabby agree that the biggest competition for them is going to be Alaska.  I would imagine that if Gabby has been competing in Ohio, she’s seen Alaska quite a few times – well, up to 12 times since that’s the number of pageants she’s been in.

They say the last three times they’ve competed, Alaska has won against Gabby.  Well, duh, she’s been doing this for years and Gabby is a total newbie!  But Beth believes that with a new routine, new coach, new flipper, that Gabby is going to be a force to be reckoned with.  Is she trying to convince herself?  Because that is what her face is showing.  And the truth is, she just needs more than 12 pageants under her belt before she starts kicking ass on girls who have been doing this for years.

Back with Alaska at the salon, we see Lori telling the stylist that one girl’s mother decided to crash pageants.  “Gabby’s mother?” her husband asks.  Lori says they didn’t come to compete, they came to watch.  So what?  What the hell is wrong with that?  They are checking out the competition and doing their homework.   I actually don’t see anything wrong with doing a little reconnaissance.

 STALKING, I say, STALKING my children by attending pageants.

Lori interviews that Alaska always beats Gabby, then says, “I’ve heard some great things from Beth as to how Gabby has been growing, and I can’t wait to see Alaska hopefully supreme again over her.”  Wow, that last part got really snotty.  Everyone chill.  Also – Beth and Lori have been in touch I’m gathering?

Lori says she feels like Beth is stalking her kids and her husband is like, no, she’s just checking out the competition.  The nut doesn’t fall far from the tree as Alaska says she wants Gabby’s mom to think she just bought all that new stuff and got all those new routines, “And that Alaska girl just walks in and tears the stage up.”  Okay, first of all, Alaska practices and she gets is.  Second of all, rude.  “I’m gonna kick her butt.”

Back in Cincinnati, Gabby and her sister are at the salon getting facials, which we know is really important on peaches-and-cream little kid complexions.  Beth says that some parents go overboard (ironic) on what they spend on pageants, even going as far to say pageant moms will buy kids flippers when they themselves could use one, then she cracks up.  No shit – we’ve talked about that here numerous times.

 Prepping the girls for their spa appendectomies.

Now it’s time for Lori to try to blind Alaska by dyeing her eyelashes.  Yeah, that’s best left to the professionals, dumbass!  Lori says she can take her time, Alaska is more comfortable having it done at home and “She’s in capable hands.”

However, Alaska needs something to do with her hands and she wants to play with makeup brushes while her mother is dyeing her eyelashes.  This sounds like a recipe for disaster or as I like to call it, “Recapper Gold.”

Alaska keeps dicking around and Lori schmears dye all over Alaska’s eyelid.  Smooth.  Lori swears she’s not a crazy pageant mom, she’s a passionate one, but at times she does “Wear the conductor’s hat on the crazy train once in a while.”  The first step is admitting it.

Alaska continues to fidget then her mother tells her to look up and Alaska says she hates her mother’s earrings because they are so totally ugly.  What a little brat.  Lori says she bought them just because she thought Alaska would hate them.  Alaska moves and bitches that the stuff is burning her eyes and Lori is like, “This is a disaster!”  Capable hands indeed.

 Blinded by the blight…that is Lori.

Oh, yeah, Ava!  She’s in her little waitress costume when her coach shows up.  Jennifer admits that Ava is not the best at practicing and to be honest, when she does her routine, she is really unfocused.  It’s sloppy, no energy and she crashes her tray into a piece of furniture.

Weeeeee!

The coach is just collecting her checks – she isn’t even standing up to coach Ava!

Yeah, kids exhaust me too.  Can I get you a Sanka?

Her coach tells us that Ava is a beautiful little girl and she does well in West Virginia as she’s never competed outside of the state.  Oh, watch out for those Delaware pageants, they are HELL.

She’s the worst fake waitress ever. 

“Concentrate.  Put your tray up higher.  Smile.  Look at the judges.  Tote that barge.  Lift Christian Bale,” the coach says, all while sitting down looking exhausted.  I hear ya, sister.

Alaska is choosing her swimsuit for the pageant and interviews that people think pageants are just people dressing up their kids and parading them around like show ponies.  “It’s a lot harder than that,” she says.  So it’s like parading them around like Lipizzaners instead?

“Between the outfits, the hair, the makeup, the eyelashes, everything, I’m locked, loaded, glitzing and ready to kick some butt,” Lori says.  Did you bring your hair Berettas too?

 When you want to know where your college education money has gone, think of playing dress up fondly.

Gabby is leaving her house and says she thinks she can beat Alaska this weekend.  I think you are delusional if just from an experience standpoint.  Alaska interviews, “Good luck Gabby…NOT!”  As Alaska’s family pulls out of the driveway, Lori says, “Great, now I think I have to go to the bathroom.”  Well, you wouldn’t if you had had my mother training you before long trips.

 Padiddle!

Pageant Day!  And there is emcee Betty!  Dressed in a pretty blouse that is sooo much more age appropriate than the outfit we saw on her when she was dancing on that bar.  Lookin’ good Betty!

It’s like a What Not To Wear Fairy tapped her with its wand!

Pageant Director Maxine tells us that West Virginia isn’t a bad place.  “We wear shoes,” she jokes, adding, “Most of us have our teeth.”  Well, between the meth mouth and Mt. Dew mouth, that’s quite a feat.  I love how she can joke about it.

 And Little Ozzy Osbourne is advising us it’s time to board the Crazy Train!

Maxine runs through the competitors for us:  Ava is the local girl who can do amazing things onstage (ahem), Alaska has both the personality and face to go along with it, and Gabby is just now getting into the glitz world.

 Also, once again, someone in the pageant seriously needs a different hobby.

Maxine tells us that she knows Alaska and Gabby have a little rivalry, but she’s not sure if it’s between them or the moms.  Oh Maxine, you know it’s between the moms.  And we know she knows because she says she’s going to have a little talk with their mothers before the pageant.  BUSTED and the pageant hasn’t even started!  Excellent!

At registration, Lori asks Maxine that since her father is blind, does he really still need to buy a ticket to “watch” the pageant since he can’t see it.  Maxine looks like she doesn’t know whether to call the Darwin Awards or bust a gut laughing.  You’ll spend tens of thousands of dollars on pageant crap, but won’t plunk down the money for a seat at the damn pageant for someone who easily could have stayed at home.

 Are these people for real?

Maxine tells her that since he will be using a seat, yes, he needs to buy the ticket.  Even Lori’s husband is like, what a stupid question.  My question is why does an old blind man want to attend a beauty pageant?  He’s not going all braille on those little girls, is he?

Why, why, why must I be a part of this insanity?

Then Maxine drops the bomb and says she wants to speak to Lori and another mother as soon as she can find her.  Lori says she and this other mother had an issue “online.”  Sounds like You’ve Got Hate Mail!

Speaking of mail, at what point is a mailman costume a glitz option? 

Beth goes a little nutty and says that she doesn’t like to be set up or blind-sided and she doesn’t appreciate it.  Well, I think Lori was a little blind-sided too.  Also, it sort of sounds like maybe you were both asking for it.

Maxine has both mothers together and says that it’s not about what happens on Facebook or anywhere else, they need to let the girls settle it onstage.  Lori looks at Beth like, “WTF is Maxine talking about?” Oh don’t act like you don’t know.

 Please act like the ladies I know you aren’t.

Here’s what it’s about:  stupidity.  For the first time ever in T&T history, they get the three mothers together in an interview and Beth tells us that Lori went to her Facebook page and was reading a conversation between Beth and someone else that had “nothing to do with her.”  Lori disagrees because she felt it was aimed at Alaska and that Beth got kind of snippy.  Jennifer is sitting between them, her face absolutely priceless, probably wondering if she can get the release form back from the production company in hopes she can escape this hot mess of pageant mother mayhem.  Lori says, “You can’t fix stupid.”  No, but you can often side-step it when you see it coming.  Just a quick hint.

 Jennifer thinks if she closes her eyes this will all disappear.  It actually just multiplies if you ignore it.

Lori says the whole thing stems from Alaska kicking Gabby’s ass all the time and honestly, I’m sure she’s right.  Beth strikes me as someone who would be a teeeeeny bit bitter about things but honey, your daughter is a newbie at this and Alaska has been in probably 10 times as many pageants.  You can’t really complain about someone with more experience – it just is what it is.  Lori says she wants nothing to do with Beth during this pageant and has no plans to speak to her during the day.  And Lori’s blind dad can beat up Beth’s dad any day and oh by the way the sidewalk is government property!  So there!

Also, take a look at Alaska pre-pageant.  This is what I look like on weekends.  And weekdays.  Without a pageant.

Jennifer is doing Ava’s hair and makeup and says the most stressful part is her hair and what happens when the curlers come out.   I live that every morning (hey, I’m an 80s girl, the hot rollers are always out). Ava says she was really tired but her mother gives her caffeine and sweets to get her energy up.  Amen.

 Caffeine and sugar make Ava QUEEN OF THE WQRLD!

Gabby is having the Polident put into her flipper and it’s totally grossing her out.  Beth says that when they woke up at 6:08, they were already late for hair and makeup, “With maybe 45 minutes of sleep.”  Did you go out on a binge last night?  OMG, did you go with Betty?  We’ll need photos!

Beth says the most stressful part of her day is not to let any outside influences get in her way.  Bitter, party of one.

Betty, seriously, loving the blouse/big necklace combo!  So sparkly!  First up is beauty per our usual agreement with the universe.  Maxine says, “If beauty is pain, then these girls are hurtin’!”  I know my eyes are killing me, ba-dum-bah!

Wait, who the shit let their kid go onstage with a Ni-Ni in her mouth?  Points off!  Or next time, bedazzle it!

Jennifer is tight because Ava wants to play and she doesn’t want her hair to fall apart.

If you mess up your hair, mommy will seriously implode.

Ava is up and she looks really cute in her chartreuse dress.  However, she’s oddly bouncy in her steps and she blinks weirdly, but I would seriously KILL for that hair.  I mean, no one would take me seriously in the work world because that is some BIG and curly hair, but still, for a weekend it might be fun.

 Also, I absolutely wish I could put fun glittery things in my hair, but it looks really odd once you’re over 40.  And probably 20.

However she looks great, especially against the dated wallpaper of Conference Room C.

AAAAACK!  Judge Johnny Browning with his Flock of Seagulls haircut and totally Oates of Hall & Oates mustache says that Ava was perfect and well-coached.  “I enjoyed her,” he says.  Although kinda creepy at first, this guy really starts to grow on me.

 No, really, you’re going to love this guy.

Alaska is in her room pissing and moaning because her hair was Priscilla-Presley-poofing, and her dad asks how someone so rotten could be so pretty.  Are you unfamiliar with the Kardashians?  Alaska and her dad keep bitching at each other and that is going to get really old as she becomes a teen.  Or now.

 I really don’t want birds nesting in my hair, that is so Southern Celebrity Nature Pageant.

Junior Miss Division is where Gabby and Alaska will go head to head – ahh, even I don’t believe that.  Gabby has an AMAZING strapless (secret plastic straps) fuschia dress that I adore and must have an adult size of immediately for those days when I’ve got Ava’s hair.  If Beth made that, she could make a FORTUNE making and selling pageant dresses.  That dress is seriously one of my favorites EVER and I don’t ever remember seeing a strapless dress on anyone – hope that’s not an issue.

Gabby and Alaska see each other in line and kind of make funny faces at each other, but you can tell the tension between the mothers is pretty high.  And mature.

Seriously, bitches, take it down a notch.

Lori says she’s seen Gabby’s dress several times (oh, burn on how she only has a few dresses, Lori, are you twelve?) and says, “And if that’s a color her mom wants to put on her…go for it.”  Oh Lori, you Total Gym Bitch, that color is one of the most popular in pageants and always looks great with blondes, so shut it.  It’s a KICK ASS dress so just own up to it – it will make you look like the bigger person.

Alaska gets onstage in her stunning purple and sparkly dress and she does a great job – great eye contact, enthusiasm and a real spark comes across when she’s onstage.  Judge Natalie says Alaska nailed it and that she played to the crowd.  She even admits she almost forgot to judge her (don’t worry, that’s what recappers are here to do, and we never forget to judge).

 Love it!

Gabby is up next and again – dress KILLS.  So fuschia.  So sparkly.  However, Gabby does not seem as confident and she does not pull the crowd in…her face is kind of set in stone and there isn’t a lot of enthusiasm, however I think that will come in time – again, this is only her 13th pageant.  Alaska says she didn’t watch Gabby then snots, “Why would I?”  So you don’t come across as a petty little bitch?

Because LOVE IT INFINITY TIMES INFINITY PLUS INFINITY!  Oh glittery fuschia, you never stop giving. 

Winter Wear Category!  Ava is up in her division and she has a leopard print outfit on with matching cap and shiny black boots – and that hair!  J’adore!  However, Judge Johnny has the gaul – with HIS hair, the GAUL! – to say he thought she had too much hair going on.  “And I like big hair,” he says, saying he’s done hair for 29 years (which I could totally see!), “and I come from the 80s!”  OMG, me too!  We should totally go out for drinks later and talk about how I can make my hair big but not too big.  Call me!  But he’s wrong on her hair, it is totally amazing.

 And he’s wrong, that hair KILLS.  And I’d kill for some just like it.

Emcee Betty says they ahead of schedule if you can believe it (I can’t) and Beth says she likes to be in the ballroom and ready to go at least one age category before Gabby goes on.  Okay, we get it, hall-monitoring-apple-polishing-over-achiever.  Chill out.

Alaska is in her room getting hosed with hairspray and they begin the Junior Miss Division…and did they move it up?  And when they move things up, do they tell people?  Because they call Alaska and she’s not there!  Oh crap.

Has anyone seen that smart-ass egomaniac?  Anyone?

Back in the hotel room, Lori isn’t even mentioning the time, so it’s not like they know they are running late.  Beth smiles.  God, seriously?

Schadenfreude is a bad color on anyone. 

Gabby is up and she is wearing a weird costume…it’s like tweedy, which I totally love, but maybe not for a glitz pageant, and it looks like someone piled a bunch of winter gear on her in the mudroom of their house.  However, I do LOVE that hat with the feathers all over the place.  I wish everyone dressed like the Kennedy era and we could bring hats like this back.  Man I’m old.

 The wrong execution of the right idea.

Judge Johnny flat-out says he could not like her outfit.  He says of the whole entire day, “It was one of my picks for the worst outfit.  THE WORST.  Because there were some bad ones.”  This guy is freakin’ hilarious!  We should get him together with Mr. Todd and dish.  “It looks like you shrank your great-grandmother’s clothes,” he says.  Yeah, and she was Coo-Coo Chanel.

Alaska gets downstairs and they all start to realize that people with higher numbers have gone ahead of her…rut-roh.  Lori says they were told 4:15 was the start time and they got to the ballroom at 4pm, so they thought they had plenty of time.  But then they were calling the teen division so Lori takes care of business and Betty announces Alaska.

 Touchdown!

Beth, being her usual shineshine-y self, says anyone who shows up late should be docked points.  THEY ARE, Beth, they are.  That’s how it works.  But that doesn’t mean they don’t get to go on, that doesn’t mean they will lose, that means they get points off.  “I don’t agree that that child should be able to compete in that event.”  Beth, ain’t up to you.  It’s up to the pageant directors who make their living off of people like you.  So have a slice of shut the hell up and let Alaska kick your daughter’s ass fair and square.

Alaska KILLS it.  That kid has her routine down pat, the outfit is beautiful and her facial expressions really draw the crowd in.  She does a really nice job and doesn’t look like Coo-Coo Chanel doing it.

“I have no idea what these judges are looking for, I just know everyone else made it on time and so should that other person,” Beth says.  She’s a barrel of bitter, that one.  Maybe if you focused on your daughter more than someone else’s, you might have a shot at winning. Just a little helpful hint.  Plus, I remember you saying your daughter had beauty and brains.  Guess which one is going to get her further in the world?  Her degree from M.I.T. not H&M.

Judging room!  Gabby’s pink dress was a hit, but her Winter Wear sucked snowballs – the judges said they couldn’t get passed the fug that was that outfit.

FUUUUUUG-LEEEEEEEEEE!

Ava they loved but Johnny says, “She had treacherous amounts of hair.”  HAHAHA!  I love this guy.  I would also love to have treacherous amounts of hair.

And I would totally unleash my treachery on this man.

However the judges LOOOOVED Alaska – clothes, hair, personality – and said, “She owned the stage.”  “She drew me in,” says one judge.  That is exactly it, she has the ability to draw you in through her expressions that were not Stonehenge.  Their only issue was her lateness which Judge Johnny says does affect his score.  Agreed, but again, I question if the pageant people moved the times up because they were running ahead and not every parent knew that.  Lori certainly seemed surprised, that’s why I bring that up.

CROWNING!  Gabby and Alaska wave to each other and you know, they could probably be friends if their moms weren’t being such cooches about this whole thing.

Aye-yay-yay…

First up, Ava’s group…Most Beautiful…not Ava!  Best Personality…Ava!  Oh, come on!  Celebrity Fairytale Princess…Ava!  Oh that is BULLSHIT!  I’m sorry, I really think Ava was supreme material at this event, she did a great job and screw them on the hair – I loved it.  Jennifer tears up a little when she says that sometimes the results are hard to hear, especially after all of the hard work.  Jennifer – you are a great mom and not crazy at all and truly Ava deserved higher!  But you handled it with grace so you are waaay ahead of a lot of the other moms.  And bottom line:  Ava was ROBBED.

 TOOOOTAL BULLSHIT.  TOTAL.

Ava totally breaks down and interviews that it makes her sad inside.  Jennifer consoles her but Ava wants to leave the auditorium.  Jennifer holds her and says, “You are mommy’s superstar and I don’t need judges to tell me that.”  Awww.  And it’s true.  And you’re OUR superstar too, little big hair.

Gabby is thoroughly convinced she’s winning big so I have a feeling this crash is going to be big.  Beth and Lori talk about how their palms sweat and they want to vomit before crowning.  Yeah, that really sounds like a fun way to spend the weekends.  Also, at least they have something in common with which to build the bestest friendship ever, like The Parent Trap.

Junior Miss Princess…not our girls!  Junior Miss Fairytale Queen…Gabby!  Oooh, sucks to be you, loser!  Alaska’s family claps for her and they are sitting right next to Beth and her family and you know what is going on there…Beth is pissed and Lori is gloating.  Ouch on both sides.

Gabby interviews, “I won Division Queen.”  Then she gasps, drops her head into her lap and starts bawling her eyes out.  Looking at the camera, she says, “I’m done,” and she gets up and walks away, saying, “I don’t know why I’m crying.”  Really?  Because I do.

Meltdown!

And of course, Alaska moves up to the Supreme Division and Beth is pissssssed.  Beth hugs Gabby and says she’s proud of her.  Uh-huh.

 Well, her nails do look fantastic.

Junior Miss Fairytale Winter Supreme…not Alaska…which means the Junior Miss Fairytale Winter Ultimate Grand Supreme with three types of meat and extra cheese is Alaska.  Now Beth is suuuuper pissed.

In your faces! 

Alaska says she deserved this win because she worked her “tushy” off.  Yep, you did.  We can’t deny that.  You also worked your mouth a little more than it needed to be, too.

Then Beth goes back to the bitter barn and says, “You know what, Gabby, it’s better than showing off.”  What is?  Being queen instead of Ultimate Grand Supreme?  I’m guessing  you wouldn’t have said that had Gabby won.  But give her more than 13 pageants to get herself to that level!

 Ah, the agony of the feet…spent all day in patent leather.

Beth says, “Why make a big scene?  I don’t want to embarrass my kids. And I don’t want my kids to act like that when they’re grown up.  Today everybody saw how Alaska did.  She was late and she won the Grand Supreme.”  Beth, I’m sure they took points off, but her points were so damn high because she did such a good job that it didn’t matter!

Gabby demands her score sheets and Beth says they will get them through email.  She interviews that Gabby should be a “poster child” because she doesn’t sass her mom and “she is a winner,” she says, breaking down in tears.  Yeah, judges don’t judge on sassing your mom, just FYI.  And look at things long term – this is a good experience and one she can joke about when she’s CEO somewhere.

Lori says, “Winning is elating…if that’s a word.”  Alaska says she sees Miss Universe in her pageant future and that she’s going to do pageants until she’s 1000 years old.  “I will always be gorgeous…I might get a couple face-lifts,” she says, “but that’s a long time from now.”  Try to have an ego-ectomy when you get a chance.

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful!  We don’t.  It’s because you’re kind of a bitch.

The three moms are interviewed after the pageant and Lori says she doesn’t have anything bad to say about the pageant (no duh) because it went in her favor.  When she says this, Beth goes apoplectic and almost swallows her tongue.  Jennifer starts cracking up and Beth says she ready to go home.  Then go!  And do 100 more pageants THEN complain when you don’t win.  Geez Louise.

 To alleviate the pain, she thinks of George Clooney.

Next week…It’s Disco Inferno!  And it looks like another mother stand-off and I believe it’s the return of SamiJo.  Phew.

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A Food Network host wannabe and travel fanatic (only three more continents to go!) , Dear Crabby lived in Chicago for over 10 years before returning to her native Ohio. She loves black martinis, blue cheese burgers, and The Daily Show. A two-time Chicago marathon finisher, she heartily dislikes Smokey Smokersons, slow drivers in the passing lane, and noisy children, especially when they ruin a fine dining experience or a trip to Target. A nouveau spinster, Dear Crabby spends her free time with her Cocker Spaniels and often goes by the pseudonym “Mrs. Clooney.”

78 Comments

  1. 1
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted April 15, 2012 at 2:27 pm

    DearC, you nailed another one! If that deluded mom had the gall last year to say that her daughters were “luxuriating” across the stage, you can certainly say that horrible little Alaska was elating…because you simply fooled around with a word that related to the emotion. Yay goofing around with language. It’s a word now.

    And Betty and Max looked terrific.

  2. 2
    Sparkle McSnarkle marisa
    Posted April 15, 2012 at 3:02 pm

    OK, I don’t want to call a child ugly but that Gabby is one of the homeliest children I’ve ever seen on this show. Her mother needs to focus on getting that child an education, cuz sorry, her looks are NOT going to help her in life.

    Ava was robbed. I hope she comes back and kicks butt soon. I loved how her mother handled her placement in the pageant, that’s how a real parent treats her child.

    Oh Alaska. Not only do you have the stupidest name ever, you are a total vapid brat. I hope you inherit your mother’s teeth since you inherited her bad attitude. It’d serve you right.

  3. 3
    sagittariuskim sagittariuskim
    Posted April 15, 2012 at 3:47 pm

    I agree Ava was robbed. I loved her and her mom’s hair, such a pretty color. I was surprised that she was only 6 though. She’s very well spoken for her age.

    I think Gabby needs more experience, she looked like she had some potential. And I agree if her mom made her beauty dress, she really needs to get a business going. She could use the money to pay for pageants.

    And I think Crabby said all that needs to be said about Alaska.

    Great Recap!

  4. 4
    Ms Cool
    Posted April 15, 2012 at 4:30 pm

    Awesome recap!

    Gabby looked a bit like Michael Cera to me. I kept trying to place her face.

    It is extremely sad how those two mothers are raising their daughters to be so superficial and mean-spirited.

  5. 5
    Elana Jade Marino
    Posted April 15, 2012 at 4:32 pm

    Maxine looks gorgeous with her new look, I’m loving her hair! She looks a lot better smiling. Ava is absolutely adorable, such a sweetheart. It was crushing that she didn’t place higher, her and her mother handled themselves gracefully through their tears, which I commend them for.

    Gabby definitely needs more experience, she seems like a nice kid but her mother seems very cocky and stupid, but Lori isn’t any better. Idk why, I kind of like Lori, it’s weird, and she looks better with the straight hair too. I’ve always thought that Alaska was a very articulate and intelligent girl, and I still do, but BOY, WHAT A DRASTIC AND DRAMATIC FREAKING CONTRAST FROM THE LAST TIME SHE WAS ON! I have a feeling that after the first time they were on, that maybe she was a tad scripted this time. I still think she’s a good kid, with her good and bad attitudes. Btw, did ANYBODY recognize Alaska’s hair and makeup stylist, Sabastian Ready from the Southern Majestic Pageant in Season 2?

    Alaska and Ava’s dresses were beautiful as were both the girls., they did a great job in beauty, and Braxton is still doing pageants via their Facebook fan page. On a closing note, I’d like to add that I’ve had my eye lashes died one time before with my mom, and we both agree that it was the BIGGEST WASTE OF MONEY AND TIME EVER!!!!! Maybe it works on Alaska since she’s fair with light blonde coloring, but my mother and I are both medium olive with chestnut brown hair, so that’s probably why it didn’t work on us.

  6. 6
    Elana Jade Marino
    Posted April 15, 2012 at 4:36 pm

    Gabby’s dress was gorgeous also, and so was Ava’s winter wear, I’d kill for it! It reminds me of an outfit I had when I was little. My mom used to have my outfits with matching headbands and socks when I was a baby :)

  7. 7
    Elana Jade Marino
    Posted April 15, 2012 at 4:41 pm

    Alaska’s WinterWear was like a Winter Showgirl, but she more than nailed it. She looked gorgeous!

  8. 8
    Ms Cool
    Posted April 15, 2012 at 4:48 pm

    Oh, I see someone already pointed out the Michael Cera look in the minicap. Beth needs to give up the petty jealousy. She is teaching her daughter to be the same way. It is very sad.

  9. 9
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted April 15, 2012 at 5:22 pm

    “Who’s got two thumbs and is going to have her ass handed to her?  THIS GIRL.”

    BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHhahahhah. Hahahhahsnortsnooort. GigglegigglesnortHAHAHAHAhahab giggle/snort…this is the genius that I come for every week, Crabby. Love!

    Back to reading…

  10. 10
    Mistress Kai
    Posted April 15, 2012 at 5:34 pm

    I liked Alaska last time she was on. This time she was a bit over the top with the attitude. Does anyone else thing that Ava’s coach looks like E.T? I thought that the first time I saw her on T&T or it might have been Little Miss Perfect.

  11. 11
    Chicken Lips
    Posted April 15, 2012 at 6:19 pm

    Slow clap, DC, slow clap. Another awesome recap.

    THANK YOU for pointing out it was Oates. It was driving me crazy trying to figure out who he reminded me of.

    Don’t worry about Alaska missing her college money – she can always get a job at the truck stop off US 35.

    Ava was robbed – did we see the girls that beat her perform? I smell shenanigans afoot! We must ask Betty and Maxine when we hit the town with them.

    And how awesome is Maxine telling us she is one of the shoe wearing, tooth havin’ West Virginians? I’m sure they are there, but they are usually the ones that stay far far away from the cameras. Good for her!

  12. 12
    StageMom
    Posted April 15, 2012 at 6:37 pm

    And how did Alaska do at Model Miss this weekend? Oh yeah Division Beauty.

  13. 13
    Mrs.Warner
    Posted April 15, 2012 at 7:14 pm

    This is Ava’s mom =) Thank you all for the great comments about Ava and I! We appreciate the support. The recap is great! If you guys are in the area and are out with Betty and Maxine, don’t forget about me =)

  14. 14
    maryedith
    Posted April 15, 2012 at 7:21 pm

    Oh boy do I WISH Alaska were the stupidest name ever. Sadly, this show has proven again and again that it is not.

  15. 15
    maryedith
    Posted April 15, 2012 at 7:26 pm

    Did anyone else notice that Incredibly Glum Girl? I wondered if she had been on before because the cameras picked her up more than once. She had really messy straight black hair and she looked like she had stumbled into the pageant on her way to bed. I was hoping she would win Grand Supreme. Am I the only one who saw her?

  16. 16
    thisbuggs4u
    Posted April 15, 2012 at 8:04 pm

    Great Recap DC!!

    Ok, just a few things here…Hmm I must be off on the T&T comments because this is the second week in a row where I don’t have much to say….! Shocker, I know!! :)

    First let’s start with Alaska. Never have I wanted to smack a child, but dayum! If I would have ever sassed my mom like that, I would have gotten my ass handed to me, not once but twice! Then she would have packed up my 45 rubbermade totes and carted my ass to the car and we would have gone home! However, I loved her purple beauty dress!! LOVED IT! I think, as far as the darker dresses go, that was one of the best beauty dresses I have seen so far on T&T. But Was it just me, or was Alaska’s natural hair not the same color as her “fall”? Wait, that is what the moms call the hair pieces right, falls? It just seemed like her bangs were a little more yellow then they were blonde..

    Ava, little Ava. Loved her! Effing loved the bright green Beauty dress. That is a color that we don’t see often. Loved her mom! Ava’s mom is hands down one of the best T&T moms out there!! I think Ava got robbed as well.

    Lastly Gabby. Why does Gabby look so familiar to me? Have we seen her before but she just was not “featured” in the T&T episode? Or is it because all the blond hair blued eyed girls are starting to look the same to me?!?!? IDK. I also thought Gabby had a kick ass beauty dress. I am not a fan of pink, but that shit was awesome!! Yes, Beth makes her dresses. Yes, Beth should make beauty dresses on the side! She knows what she can charge for those!! Yes, DC, we have see a few strapless beauty dresses in the past.

    Oh, and one last thing. Can someone please tell me why in the hell is Lori bleaching Alaska’s eye lashes just to cake on the mascara?!?! I never saw the point in that?

  17. 17
    icegirl
    Posted April 15, 2012 at 10:21 pm

    I mentioned the same thing. Her coach does look like E.T. I remember her from an earlier season of T&T.

  18. 18
    icegirl
    Posted April 15, 2012 at 10:23 pm

    Of course you can come @Mrs.Warner! Your daughter was robbed at this pageant she was adorable!

  19. 19
    icegirl
    Posted April 15, 2012 at 10:23 pm

    Karma will bite you. Did her mom and her snaggle tooth throw a fit?

  20. 20
    Stephanie
    Posted April 15, 2012 at 10:53 pm

    I saw her as well and it was scary! She looked like she was on the verge of suicide… Obviously hates pageant… I felt bad for her. She also reminded me of one of the girls featured on a previous season… The 8ish year old girl from the family that was also on Supernanny with 5 girls and 2 granddaughters or something crazy like that. They looked like they might be Hispanic or something. Anyone know who I’m referring to?

  21. 21
    Beth
    Posted April 16, 2012 at 12:15 am

    Thank you for the kind comments on Gabby’s dress, yes I do make them, working on a new one now. I am also working on 3 right now for other girls :) sorry some of you think my daughter is homely, oh well. 13 pageants, only because we care to spend our money on other things, we are up to 18 now for those keeping count. And what was edited out was me at saying a few times that I didn’t expect us to win and Alaska is amazing on stage. YES, I did say that, shocking I know. Crazy how a show can be edited to show someone snarky 24/7. But, I would much rather see Gabby with a degree from MIT anyday over this crap, haha!

  22. 22
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted April 16, 2012 at 4:14 am

    Wre would LOVE to have you join us!!! We’re from all over the country and Icey is in Turkey, but we’ve agreed to meet with Betty and Max for a good ol’ redneck, um, how did Betty phrase that? I’m so blonde.

    Yee Haw!

  23. 23
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted April 16, 2012 at 4:24 am

    Beth, apologies for rude Gasmii calling your Gabby homely. Have they seeeeeeeeeeeen some of the little girls who compete? And take home Supreme with pineapple, ham and three cheeses?

    Gabby just needs more experience to nail the routines, but with your support she can compete and have fun without needing to win, and more importantly, trample over anybody else. Teaching her grace and poise while being a kind person is more important than collecting a roomful of crowns (she gets one anyway, right?) and sashes that say “Best in Show.”

  24. 24
    nelliebelle1197
    Posted April 16, 2012 at 4:33 am

    I missed her. But I also missed the senior citizen in the brown outfit pictured above. What the hell is THAT?

  25. 25
    MrsMiaWallace
    Posted April 16, 2012 at 4:41 am

    Great mini and full-cap as always my dearest crabby!

    Great episode of mothers behaving badly, we always talk here about the chatroom/facebook battles so it was gratifying to see T&T acknowledge some of that drama!

    Its like picking the cutest possum, but I might be Team Lori. Beth’s comment about mothers needing flippers was not a coincidence and I tend to believe Lori’s version of events and that although her name wasn’t mentioned, she was clearly the target of the Facebook comments. I also believe Lori got lowdown and dirty as well so there’s nothing to be proud of anywhere you look.

    I hope Alaska focuses on school as well because she’s clearly bright and capable of a lot if she doesn’t get too spoiled to try. I hope Beth relaxes and stops getting drawn into the drama because her kids have a lot going for them and her making dresses and not entering too many pageants shows she can think away from the herd. Snarking on FB is herd mentality and when the smart girls do it they are even meaner and really should know better.

    Oh precious Ava, her mother was the first person I’ve seen on one of these that I’ve thought seemed not just like a good mom, but like a fun normal person I’d like to know! I hope she stays that way! And yes, Ava’s hair was beautiful!

    Oh big kudos to Beth for how beautiful those dresses were made. She’s heard all the vitriol and praise for the winter wear and I kind of thought it was supposed to be a Russian vibe with the music and funny little dance…. so I was in favor. Nothing is more silly than seeing tons of weird costumes shoe-horned into a completely irrelevant category (unless its editing?) because the parents don’t want to buy a new one.

    However the subsequent discussions and looking without the music and routine… Gabby’s winter wear totally made me think of Grey Gardens!

  26. 26
    Betty Burns
    Posted April 16, 2012 at 6:13 am

    Thanks for the compliments but I have a question Crabby….where did you see those pics of me on a bar? I thought I had those set to private. LOL.
    You are all right that Ava’s mom is a sweet and loving mom. She was WV Mentor Mom of the month back in January. We are all proud of her and Ava. Thanks for another great recap.

  27. 27
    TheBride
    Posted April 16, 2012 at 10:04 am

    I kinda felt bad for Alaska, because I remember the last time we saw her she was always losing against her little stoner brother and her mom totally hated her, but she was a nice girl. Do you remember? She probably became like this so she could shine in front of her psycho mother, who is the kind of person that may appreciate this behavior. Good job, Lori.

  28. 28
    itchy
    Posted April 16, 2012 at 11:42 am

    It’s not fair. How come none of the characters from my favorite reality shows ever show up to comment? I’m willing to wear a flipper and a strapless fuschia dress, if that’ll help.

  29. 29
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted April 16, 2012 at 11:45 am

    Please don’t Itchy. That sight might be worse than your eye avatar.

  30. 30
    itchy
    Posted April 16, 2012 at 2:21 pm

    Hmm. Maybe I’ll hold TVGasm hostage. Either Parvati comes to the Survivor thread or I bring back the eye-in-mouth avatar.

  31. 31
    Sugarbush Joy_Subtraction
    Posted April 16, 2012 at 4:48 pm

    I seriously wanted to punch that big girl in the face every time she gaped her mouth open (the one in black spinning around at the beginning of the pageant). Those were the chicks that made me seriously hate drill team. I think it’s also what made me extremely cynical and hate the world. Jesus…she looks like the woman in Total Recall that Arnold disguised himself as…”Two weeks! Two weeks!”

  32. 32
    Ariel
    Posted April 16, 2012 at 4:56 pm

    I remember that family! I believe that child’s name was Hailey. I will have to go back and watch this episode again to see if it was her.

  33. 33
    besus
    Posted April 16, 2012 at 5:22 pm

    I expected more snark from you on this one crabby! I don’t care what they say about scripting or editing – NUTSO! And, saying you went along with a dumb script like that makes them even dumber! Somehow, I think Lori is that shallow, Alaska has become that indignent, and Beth is that odd . Loved Ava – made me think of Kinley from season 2 or 3 – would love to see an update on her.

  34. 34
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted April 16, 2012 at 5:43 pm

    OMG. I wanted to turn that kid over my knee (Alaska) and give her a good ol’ fashioned spanking! She was an absolutely entitled, vicious brat. However, I don’t really think it’s her fault, as some may have pointed out. She learned very quickly that her BITCH of a mother would only pay attention to her if she acted that way. Such a waste of a young life (okay that’s taking it a bit far but everyone knows what I mean…she needs to be force fed a giant humble pie – NOW). The kid is smart and pretty and could actually contribute to society if she had a different mom. Grrrr.

    Team Beth, here. I think she seemed like a halfway decent mom. And what a sweet kid. Good for you, Beth. And Alaska! Take some notes.

    Ava really did get robbed! Hopefully she’ll kick ass at her next pageant, Ava’ mom :-)

  35. 35
    Maxine
    Posted April 16, 2012 at 8:15 pm

    Thanks for another great recap! LOVED IT! I was laughing so hard I was crying. Thanks for the comments on my hair. I loved it like that but it takes about 2 ½ hours to get it straight (and yes that is all MY hair no extensions here!)

  36. 36
    cherryred
    Posted April 16, 2012 at 8:33 pm

    Well of course they’re going to play up the snarky-ness because of the online “feud” – have to make it more drama-filled than it might be cause that’s what we usually turn in to watch. LOL And as you can tell, nothing you said compares to some of the snark these guys dish out here.

    Gabby is a perfectly sweet child and she’s beautiful. She just needs to discover her moxie and that will come in time. I loved her beauty dress and how great is it that you are making dresses for other girls!

  37. 37
    whatwhat
    Posted April 17, 2012 at 2:29 am

    You seriously have a boatload of seamstress skills. My lord. I’m really, seriously impressed.

    As for your daughter – I don’t think she’s homely, really, and I’m sorry if I came off that way. I think what throws me off is her face almost seems older than the rest of her. Not in a wrinkled old lady kinda way (heaven forbid!), but in a ‘You know, that kid’s got an awfully mature expression’ kind of way. Part of that’s smarts, part of that’s genetics. I think she’ll just get prettier as she gets older and grows into her face, if that makes sense.

    …regardless, I fully agree with your last statement — point her at MIT and a degree, that’s a heck of a lot better than a room full of crowns any day. XD

  38. 38
    rday160
    Posted April 17, 2012 at 7:33 am

    Gabby’s face = Michael Cera.
    It is seriously uncanny.

  39. 39
    Veruca
    Posted April 17, 2012 at 9:09 am

    I think editing and scripting played a part in Alaska. Every time we are at the same pageant with them, my daughter hangs out with Alaska and she is just the nicest, sweetest kid. Perhaps the episode was an attention grab? I don’t know. But I’ve never experienced that version of Alaska and I’ve known then for close to a year now.

  40. 40
    Closet Fan
    Posted April 17, 2012 at 9:42 am

    Do the families sign a confidentiality agreement? If not, I would love to hear from Gabby’s and Ava’s mothers, or Betty and Maxine. Does the camera man/woman ask leading questions trying to get the desired dramatic answer? Is that the “scripting” that people refer to?

  41. 41
    -Calls it Like I See it!
    Posted April 17, 2012 at 10:51 am

    I haven’t even read the re-cap, yet. I don’t want it to possibly color what I’m about to say:

    I think Alaska’s personality (as shown on the show) needs an overhaul, but obviously she comes by it honestly (What a **** for a mother)! I’m too nice to say it, or I’d say tr**l*r tr*sh… LOL Oh…Oops. I am not in a good mood after seeing this show, today. ;) Alaska is well-trained for pageants, but you cannot train someone to be a good person when they’re fighting against odds like those.

    Gabby’s mother was a little clued-out on the fact the girls evidently needed Hooker-Wear (I mean, uh, Winter Wear) to win. But Gabby, you are intelligent and you are going to be a far better person than Alaska ever will be. I wish you well. When you own the bank that has the mortgage on Alaska’s mother’s house, you can foreclose, shugah! …Or you can also be far too classy to hold a grudge. And I’m betting on the latter. :) Gabby’s mother is raising her correctly. :)

    I SO, SO wanted Ava to win over Alaska. Ava, you did a beautiful job!! I would have handed you that double-decker supreme crown!

  42. 42
    Pat Ledoux
    Posted April 17, 2012 at 11:09 am

    “Bitter party of one” Crabby, you do have the gift to make me laugh my freakin ass off! Alaska? Honestly, some of the names on this show kill me. I liked Alaska on the previous show and felt bad for her as it was SO obvious Lori adored her son Braxton the zombie, but this time? I want to smack her snotty little mouth.

    Can’t wait till this week’s show and recap!!!!

  43. 43
    Jane S.
    Posted April 17, 2012 at 2:36 pm

    Model Miss is a very tough pageant. Many seasoned pros compete at Model Miss. A lot of girls went home with nothing. So getting a title there is an accomplishment.

  44. 44
    Beth
    Posted April 17, 2012 at 3:12 pm

    You know, I am not sure if we signed a “confidentiality agreement” per say but I would never run and say anything about the show outside of my own personal family on here or on Facebook (lesson learned), that is just how I do things. They did ask us lots of leading questions, especially about the competition and I really had to think hard on the fly and make sure that I answered it as politically correct as possible. But, obviously I didn’t sometimes, oops! I had to try to talk in run-on sentences so I couldn’t let the words get edited. Again, didn’t work so well. Would I ever do it again? Nope. We had our fun, the girls enjoyed the basics of it and it’s over.

  45. 45
    Caro
    Posted April 17, 2012 at 5:05 pm

    It is so sad- she seems like she could turn out normal and well-adjusted if she plays her cards right.

  46. 46
    Ms Cool
    Posted April 17, 2012 at 7:29 pm

    She is a smart little girl and certainly can have potential beyond pageants. I wasn’t trying to be mean about her looking like Michael Cera as she is a cute girl.

  47. 47
    Closet Fan
    Posted April 18, 2012 at 6:46 am

    @Beth, thank you for the information.

  48. 48
    scottywrangler Scottywrangler
    Posted April 18, 2012 at 3:41 pm

    I was thinking the same thing! She totally looks like a cross between E.T. and a wig form.

  49. 49
    scottywrangler Scottywrangler
    Posted April 18, 2012 at 3:46 pm

    I think I’ve seen her before. I always LOL when I do!

    Incredibly Glum Girl, your new name is IGGY!

  50. 50
    scottywrangler Scottywrangler
    Posted April 18, 2012 at 3:58 pm

    Not sure if this has been mentioned, but does it drive anyone else crazy the way they replace obviously copyrighted music with generic crap that doesn’t make any sense? It is just ridiculous! Can’t they just pay the license fees so we can actually hear what’s played during the pageants? I mean, waaaaaaah!

    And, Alaska is one of the worst examples of like mother, like daughter I have ever seen. What a little jerk she is. It just kills me that she won with that horrid attitude. And she’s not even that cute.

    I think it’s awesome that Betty, Maxine and some of the saner moms drop by to comment and give us their insight. Wondering what Lori would have to say. Let’s hope we find out soon!

    Thanks for another awesome recap! It makes watching the show bearable!

  51. 51
    labowner
    Posted April 18, 2012 at 4:07 pm

    No because the fees are ridiculous. Greedy record companies.

  52. 52
    scottywrangler Scottywrangler
    Posted April 18, 2012 at 4:20 pm

    I just read the mini-cap from this same episode and saw where someone else brought this up. Just a little late to the party am I!

  53. 53
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted April 18, 2012 at 6:41 pm

    Rewatching this epi of T&T before the new one comes on.

    I’m seeing things I missed the last time. Lori is a liar as well as so many other things. When Lori registered she asked if she could get her blind father in for free. Blind father? That was her husband–who drove them to the pageant. That poor awful Alaska doesn’t have a chance in life. Can’t bear to watch her. She’s rotting from the inside out thanks to that mother.

    oooh. Dark Shadows is coming in May.

  54. 54
    maryedith
    Posted April 18, 2012 at 7:14 pm

    I know! My daughter and I got into the show on Neflix over the summer and we’re so thrilled! I hope Tim Burton doesn’t camp it up too , too much.

  55. 55
    Closet fan
    Posted April 18, 2012 at 7:17 pm

    I am only 14 minutes into this weeks show and I think that Dear Crabby could already write a book on the crazy in front of me!

  56. 56
    Candycane32
    Posted April 18, 2012 at 7:45 pm

    Great recap. First of all,congrats to all of the girls. Beth and Jennifer, your daughters are beautiful and they seem very bright. I loved Gabby’s pink dress and Beth has a great talent. You go girl! Alaska is a beautiful child as well, and I wish you all the best of luck!

  57. 57
    kay reid
    Posted April 18, 2012 at 9:20 pm

    Dear Crabby… Thank you for all your recaps. I have been reading ten for a while now (I found tvgasm by randomly stumbling onto the dance moms recaps) and the Toddler and Tiara recaps are always amazing. Alaska made me cringe a little because she reminded me of my little sister( she gets mouthy like that when she gets competitive-and no my parents do not let her get away with it). Gabby looked of to me, I do not think she is homely, and her dress was beautiful. I think the tan in some weird way washed her out. She has a good head on her shoulders though and I do not doubt she will grow into a lovely young lady. As a incredibly pasty kid myself, I just don’t think orange is ever a good colour on anyone’s skin haha. Ava was robbed. She should have pulled for something higher. Ugh pageants.

  58. 58
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted April 19, 2012 at 4:27 am

    Maryed, ‘Xactly HOW does one camp up Dark Shadows??????????

    The trailer looks terrific and my besties are working on a local premier par-TAY. Bring your daughter.

    And yes, Closet, there is quite the book there in last night’s epi. Classic Tantrums and Terribleness.

  59. 59
    jen
    Posted April 19, 2012 at 7:21 am

    Love your recaps, Crabby. Saw this today and thought of you (well, not you, but of your recap wisdom. :) )

    http://theclicker.today.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/04/17/11253472-exclusive-peek-pageants-lead-to-divorce-on-toddlers-and-tiaras?lite

  60. 60
    Sibbie
    Posted April 19, 2012 at 8:18 am

    She dyed her eyelashes, she didn’t bleach them.

  61. 61
    moragkim
    Posted April 19, 2012 at 12:15 pm

    @Betty someone on your friends only list has shafted you because those photos were being shown everywhere. Including the lovely bash boards.

    The older girl looked like Meracdies(SP?) Jacklyn’s(SP?) older sister who still competed. I seem to see her a lot in background footage of older girl, but I guess past 12 not many compete in glitz.

  62. 62
    happytobehere
    Posted April 19, 2012 at 10:08 pm

    I will have to say I look forward to these recaps more than the show – freakin’ hilarious and dead-on! That said, as a glitz pageant mom of a kid who has competed since she came down the eerie canal…. if Alaska acted like that toward my child, I’m pretty sure my girl would give her a good snap on the forehead and tell her to shut up and get over herself and walk away – win, lose, or draw.
    However, I never thought I would ever see the day when you could possibly have too much hair in a glitz pageant. The end is near.

  63. 63
    ash1
    Posted April 20, 2012 at 12:41 pm

    Oh, sweet, naive DearCrabby…Yes, you CAN fix stupid…you just need a big enough rock.

  64. 64
    Amy
    Posted April 20, 2012 at 8:11 pm

    I love a good joke just as much as the next person; however, when you are making fun of innocent little girls and their stage presence, that’s uncalled for. Some of these girls, including my daughter (pictured above) loves doing pageants, for all of the right reasons. She doesn’t throw a fit when she doesn’t win. She doesn’t cry. She loves modeling and dressing up and making new friends. As with anything, I know that pageant moms tend to get a bad reputation; however, there are educated, responsible, non-crazy moms who put their heart and souls into preparing for competition. Yes, some parents go overboard, yet there are moms, like Beth (Gabby’s amazing mother) who stand behind our little girls and just have fun with it. Many pageant moms bring this type of slander upon themselves when they agree to be filmed but I really don’t think its fair that you make fun of the girls who put so much hard work into something they truly love.

  65. 65
    Amy
    Posted April 20, 2012 at 8:13 pm

    *they are educated. See what happens when you type fast and are upset.

  66. 66
    maryedith
    Posted April 20, 2012 at 9:29 pm

    Well, there was nothing tongue-in-cheek about the tv show which is what makes it so hilarious — everyone’s Very Serious about these Strange Events. I know the movie has to be a comedy but it would be cool if it could somehow keep that soap opera serious feel.

    My daughter and I will comb the streets calling out, “Snowshoecat! Where’s the par-TAY!”

  67. 67
    crankyguy crankyguy
    Posted April 20, 2012 at 9:35 pm

    TLC shows T&T to make fun of pageants, all the adults involved, and yes, even the little girls. TVGasm posts recaps to make fun of shows on television, and when those shows are reality themed, that includes ALL the people on the shows. My point is that you are setting yourself up to be offended by coming here if you or your kids are featured on one of these shows. My advice is to stay away, since I don’t really expect anyone here to be so moved by your righteous indignation to cease and desist.

  68. 68
    maryedith
    Posted April 20, 2012 at 9:36 pm

    Your daughter is very pretty, and so is her dress. The caption is making fun of the picture of her which does make her look odd. T&T is a strange show. A lot of the snark in the recaps and comments is directed at the show itself, how it focuses on the awkward moments like little girls picking their noses, or the pose your daughter is making in that picture. If you’re going to recap it you have to make fun of everything about it.

  69. 69
    maryedith
    Posted April 20, 2012 at 9:38 pm

    I was typing at the same time as crankyguy! I feel so … special.

  70. 70
    crankyguy crankyguy
    Posted April 20, 2012 at 10:12 pm

    @Amy: You should have left it as “there are educated…” unless you mean to imply that a lot more are educated than is actually the case. But, hopefully, you won’t even see this because you took my excellent advice.

  71. 71
    notwithoutmytv
    Posted April 20, 2012 at 11:20 pm

    You know in the How the Grinch Stole Christmas, when the Grinch comes up with his master plan and he smiles, and he’s got evil little teeth pointing every which way of the compass?

    Check out that first picture of Lori above. The resemblance is… uncanny.

    Oh, and Amy: I hope your little one had a good time, and that if she went rooting around in her nose for a winner, TLC didn’t catch it on camera.

    Luv,
    NWMTV

  72. 72
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted April 21, 2012 at 5:36 am

    I hope we will hear youMaryE We usually pick up on par-TAY!

    Strange and sad that Jonathan Frid, the original Barnabus, died yesterday. He could never understand why he was scary, thinking he looked like a dweeb.

    I hope he understood, and could appreciate, camp eventually.

  73. 73
    maryedith
    Posted April 21, 2012 at 12:24 pm

    Oh no! He seemed like a really nice guy on those dvd interviews! I bet he would have loved to go to the premiere.

  74. 74
    maryedith
    Posted April 21, 2012 at 12:26 pm

    This was supposed to be in the Dark Shadows conversation with snowshoecat.

  75. 75
    ShannonH
    Posted April 25, 2012 at 2:11 pm

    Gabby was in the 2011 Island Of Dreams pageant and placed for a higher title in that one. She was in the 7 and 8 year old division! That was the episode with the mom that was into heavy metal!

  76. 76
    Monique
    Posted August 5, 2012 at 1:50 pm

    I am just now watching this episode. I realize I’m totally late, however, I had to google this episode and comment somewhere! I’d really hate to call these little girls ugly, but since I’m not the only one thinking it, I might as well go there. One looks like a transgendered witch. And the other looks like a mini hoe bag. I don’t understand why every pageant mom is hideous, and fat? I think the infamous White family from West Virginia looks better than all of these freaks. How can these moms, particularly Alaska’s mother, and Gabby’s, have the audacity to say anything negative, when they look the way they do? It’s beyond me. You might not be able to fix stupid, but you can definitely go to a dentist and certainly you can go on a diet. Stop living through your children and fix yourself first. Especially if you’re on tv! And it’s not just this episode, it’s every episode. I’ve yet to see a decent, pretty mother and children on this show. I feel sorry for these people. Someone else said it right, they should focus on educating these ugly kids cause this pageant shit won’t last forever. And the judges are a joke. This is the best entertainment ever for our Sunday. Thanks TLC for making me realize how good I have it.

  77. 77
    Chelle
    Posted December 26, 2012 at 6:19 pm

    I have to say gabby is probably the nicer of the two children but since this is a \beauty\ pageant I would recommend that the mother find another activity to participate in because poor gabby is not pretty at all. Alaska is winning because she is prettier than gabby, although her name is ridiculous. I will say that without the hair and make up none of these girls are anything special and I can’t understand why these moms need someone to tell them whether their child is attractive or not. Pageants are ridiculous and it makes these girls feel bad about themselves when they lose, and for what reason?

  78. 78
    pageantkidgrownup
    Posted April 11, 2013 at 5:37 pm

    Alaska away from the Crazy Train Conductor isn’t too bad of a kid. Her issue is she’s scary smart and learned that she only gets her share of attention by being obnoxious and bratty.

    Question – was CTC really unaware of the round going early – my guess is yes because it seemed rather empty at the start – and if a round is early, before announced time, are points docked for being late? I have no clue because I never remember a pageant running significantly ahead of schedule, maybe 15 minutes but that’s pushing it.

    Meh, the drama seems the same as Paisley vs Isabella – not there between the kids unless egged into it by parents.

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