Boneless chicken ranch survivor or she really needs to take a crap.
The Southern Celebrity – Fairytale Winter Pageant on this week’s Toddlers & Tiaras takes us to my favorite place, the literally gold-topped capital of Charleston, West Virginia!
Pageant Director Maxine Tinnel is sporting much straighter hair, courtesy of what may be extensions, and she looks great (although I also love her curly hair too). This woman must have the patience of a saint.
Workin’ the long locks – nice!
Maxine tells us to do a pageant you have to be cute, but put hair and makeup together and that works too. Not sure I’m buying that, Maxine!
First up in St. Albans, West Virginia, we meet our reasonably normal family, daughter Ava, 6, and mom, Jennifer. Ava has a lot of crowns from her 100+ pageants and her mom says a lot of people coming to this pageant may think West Virginians are bumpkins and if so, “They’ve got another thing coming.”
Hello normal mom…get ready for the Crazy Train, departing in the next hour.
Ava is hilarious when she says, “People…they can’t beat me…I’m so good.” I enjoy a healthy ego and she’s pretty funny about it.
Next up in Cincinnati, Ohio, we meet Gabby, 8, and mom, Beth, who are telling us that “Beauty is pain.” Well, plucking ain’t no fun, I’ll give you that. Beth tells us that Gabby is the total package because they have beauty and brains. Yeah, the judges don’t care about the latter, let me assure you.
Who’s got two thumbs and is going to have her ass handed to her? THIS GIRL.
Beth makes all of Gabby’s clothes for the weekend and Gabby calls her “awesome.” Aww. She is trying on her flipper as Beth tells us that Gabby has been in 12 pageants and they hope this is lucky 13. Wait, what? Only 12 pageants? Ooh, girl, get ready for your participation award unless you really know your shit. Some of these pageant girls are pros when they come out of the womb!
Just like Freulein Maria and the drapes from her room.
Finally back in Chillicothe, Ohio, we’re back with Alaska,9, but thank God not her stoner brother Braxton who had the personality of wallpaper paste. We saw Alaska last when her mother pretty much felt the stoner brother was going to mop the floor with her…basically calling her a loser. But Alaska has been winning crowns and puppies ever since and now her mother is totally on Team Alaska.
She seems sweet, but she’s really a Sour Patch to the core.
“I’m Lori, and my pageant arsenal is packed and ready for war,” mom Lori says. Lori says originally Alaska had to watch Braxton win, but then something clicked and she started kicking ass. Unfortunately, she got a bad attitude to go with it as we shall see.
REOUR! Let the unnecessary cat fighting begin!
Lori tries to coach Alaska on one part of her routine and having found her balls, Alaska tells her mother that no, “Shutting it down” isn’t good, so Lori says she’ll shut her mouth down. Well, there’s a first time for every pageant mom I guess.
The only way Lori can speak no evil.
Back in Cincinnati, Beth and Gabby agree that the biggest competition for them is going to be Alaska. I would imagine that if Gabby has been competing in Ohio, she’s seen Alaska quite a few times – well, up to 12 times since that’s the number of pageants she’s been in.
They say the last three times they’ve competed, Alaska has won against Gabby. Well, duh, she’s been doing this for years and Gabby is a total newbie! But Beth believes that with a new routine, new coach, new flipper, that Gabby is going to be a force to be reckoned with. Is she trying to convince herself? Because that is what her face is showing. And the truth is, she just needs more than 12 pageants under her belt before she starts kicking ass on girls who have been doing this for years.
Back with Alaska at the salon, we see Lori telling the stylist that one girl’s mother decided to crash pageants. “Gabby’s mother?” her husband asks. Lori says they didn’t come to compete, they came to watch. So what? What the hell is wrong with that? They are checking out the competition and doing their homework. I actually don’t see anything wrong with doing a little reconnaissance.
STALKING, I say, STALKING my children by attending pageants.
Lori interviews that Alaska always beats Gabby, then says, “I’ve heard some great things from Beth as to how Gabby has been growing, and I can’t wait to see Alaska hopefully supreme again over her.” Wow, that last part got really snotty. Everyone chill. Also – Beth and Lori have been in touch I’m gathering?
Lori says she feels like Beth is stalking her kids and her husband is like, no, she’s just checking out the competition. The nut doesn’t fall far from the tree as Alaska says she wants Gabby’s mom to think she just bought all that new stuff and got all those new routines, “And that Alaska girl just walks in and tears the stage up.” Okay, first of all, Alaska practices and she gets is. Second of all, rude. “I’m gonna kick her butt.”
Back in Cincinnati, Gabby and her sister are at the salon getting facials, which we know is really important on peaches-and-cream little kid complexions. Beth says that some parents go overboard (ironic) on what they spend on pageants, even going as far to say pageant moms will buy kids flippers when they themselves could use one, then she cracks up. No shit – we’ve talked about that here numerous times.
Prepping the girls for their spa appendectomies.
Now it’s time for Lori to try to blind Alaska by dyeing her eyelashes. Yeah, that’s best left to the professionals, dumbass! Lori says she can take her time, Alaska is more comfortable having it done at home and “She’s in capable hands.”
However, Alaska needs something to do with her hands and she wants to play with makeup brushes while her mother is dyeing her eyelashes. This sounds like a recipe for disaster or as I like to call it, “Recapper Gold.”
Alaska keeps dicking around and Lori schmears dye all over Alaska’s eyelid. Smooth. Lori swears she’s not a crazy pageant mom, she’s a passionate one, but at times she does “Wear the conductor’s hat on the crazy train once in a while.” The first step is admitting it.
Alaska continues to fidget then her mother tells her to look up and Alaska says she hates her mother’s earrings because they are so totally ugly. What a little brat. Lori says she bought them just because she thought Alaska would hate them. Alaska moves and bitches that the stuff is burning her eyes and Lori is like, “This is a disaster!” Capable hands indeed.
Blinded by the blight…that is Lori.
Oh, yeah, Ava! She’s in her little waitress costume when her coach shows up. Jennifer admits that Ava is not the best at practicing and to be honest, when she does her routine, she is really unfocused. It’s sloppy, no energy and she crashes her tray into a piece of furniture.
The coach is just collecting her checks – she isn’t even standing up to coach Ava!
Yeah, kids exhaust me too. Can I get you a Sanka?
Her coach tells us that Ava is a beautiful little girl and she does well in West Virginia as she’s never competed outside of the state. Oh, watch out for those Delaware pageants, they are HELL.
She’s the worst fake waitress ever.
“Concentrate. Put your tray up higher. Smile. Look at the judges. Tote that barge. Lift Christian Bale,” the coach says, all while sitting down looking exhausted. I hear ya, sister.
Alaska is choosing her swimsuit for the pageant and interviews that people think pageants are just people dressing up their kids and parading them around like show ponies. “It’s a lot harder than that,” she says. So it’s like parading them around like Lipizzaners instead?
“Between the outfits, the hair, the makeup, the eyelashes, everything, I’m locked, loaded, glitzing and ready to kick some butt,” Lori says. Did you bring your hair Berettas too?
When you want to know where your college education money has gone, think of playing dress up fondly.
Gabby is leaving her house and says she thinks she can beat Alaska this weekend. I think you are delusional if just from an experience standpoint. Alaska interviews, “Good luck Gabby…NOT!” As Alaska’s family pulls out of the driveway, Lori says, “Great, now I think I have to go to the bathroom.” Well, you wouldn’t if you had had my mother training you before long trips.
Pageant Day! And there is emcee Betty! Dressed in a pretty blouse that is sooo much more age appropriate than the outfit we saw on her when she was dancing on that bar. Lookin’ good Betty!
It’s like a What Not To Wear Fairy tapped her with its wand!
Pageant Director Maxine tells us that West Virginia isn’t a bad place. “We wear shoes,” she jokes, adding, “Most of us have our teeth.” Well, between the meth mouth and Mt. Dew mouth, that’s quite a feat. I love how she can joke about it.
And Little Ozzy Osbourne is advising us it’s time to board the Crazy Train!
Maxine runs through the competitors for us: Ava is the local girl who can do amazing things onstage (ahem), Alaska has both the personality and face to go along with it, and Gabby is just now getting into the glitz world.
Also, once again, someone in the pageant seriously needs a different hobby.
Maxine tells us that she knows Alaska and Gabby have a little rivalry, but she’s not sure if it’s between them or the moms. Oh Maxine, you know it’s between the moms. And we know she knows because she says she’s going to have a little talk with their mothers before the pageant. BUSTED and the pageant hasn’t even started! Excellent!
At registration, Lori asks Maxine that since her father is blind, does he really still need to buy a ticket to “watch” the pageant since he can’t see it. Maxine looks like she doesn’t know whether to call the Darwin Awards or bust a gut laughing. You’ll spend tens of thousands of dollars on pageant crap, but won’t plunk down the money for a seat at the damn pageant for someone who easily could have stayed at home.
Are these people for real?
Maxine tells her that since he will be using a seat, yes, he needs to buy the ticket. Even Lori’s husband is like, what a stupid question. My question is why does an old blind man want to attend a beauty pageant? He’s not going all braille on those little girls, is he?
Why, why, why must I be a part of this insanity?
Then Maxine drops the bomb and says she wants to speak to Lori and another mother as soon as she can find her. Lori says she and this other mother had an issue “online.” Sounds like You’ve Got Hate Mail!
Speaking of mail, at what point is a mailman costume a glitz option?
Beth goes a little nutty and says that she doesn’t like to be set up or blind-sided and she doesn’t appreciate it. Well, I think Lori was a little blind-sided too. Also, it sort of sounds like maybe you were both asking for it.
Maxine has both mothers together and says that it’s not about what happens on Facebook or anywhere else, they need to let the girls settle it onstage. Lori looks at Beth like, “WTF is Maxine talking about?” Oh don’t act like you don’t know.
Please act like the ladies I know you aren’t.
Here’s what it’s about: stupidity. For the first time ever in T&T history, they get the three mothers together in an interview and Beth tells us that Lori went to her Facebook page and was reading a conversation between Beth and someone else that had “nothing to do with her.” Lori disagrees because she felt it was aimed at Alaska and that Beth got kind of snippy. Jennifer is sitting between them, her face absolutely priceless, probably wondering if she can get the release form back from the production company in hopes she can escape this hot mess of pageant mother mayhem. Lori says, “You can’t fix stupid.” No, but you can often side-step it when you see it coming. Just a quick hint.
Jennifer thinks if she closes her eyes this will all disappear. It actually just multiplies if you ignore it.
Lori says the whole thing stems from Alaska kicking Gabby’s ass all the time and honestly, I’m sure she’s right. Beth strikes me as someone who would be a teeeeeny bit bitter about things but honey, your daughter is a newbie at this and Alaska has been in probably 10 times as many pageants. You can’t really complain about someone with more experience – it just is what it is. Lori says she wants nothing to do with Beth during this pageant and has no plans to speak to her during the day. And Lori’s blind dad can beat up Beth’s dad any day and oh by the way the sidewalk is government property! So there!
Also, take a look at Alaska pre-pageant. This is what I look like on weekends. And weekdays. Without a pageant.
Jennifer is doing Ava’s hair and makeup and says the most stressful part is her hair and what happens when the curlers come out. I live that every morning (hey, I’m an 80s girl, the hot rollers are always out). Ava says she was really tired but her mother gives her caffeine and sweets to get her energy up. Amen.
Caffeine and sugar make Ava QUEEN OF THE WQRLD!
Gabby is having the Polident put into her flipper and it’s totally grossing her out. Beth says that when they woke up at 6:08, they were already late for hair and makeup, “With maybe 45 minutes of sleep.” Did you go out on a binge last night? OMG, did you go with Betty? We’ll need photos!
Beth says the most stressful part of her day is not to let any outside influences get in her way. Bitter, party of one.
Betty, seriously, loving the blouse/big necklace combo! So sparkly! First up is beauty per our usual agreement with the universe. Maxine says, “If beauty is pain, then these girls are hurtin’!” I know my eyes are killing me, ba-dum-bah!
Wait, who the shit let their kid go onstage with a Ni-Ni in her mouth? Points off! Or next time, bedazzle it!
Jennifer is tight because Ava wants to play and she doesn’t want her hair to fall apart.
If you mess up your hair, mommy will seriously implode.
Ava is up and she looks really cute in her chartreuse dress. However, she’s oddly bouncy in her steps and she blinks weirdly, but I would seriously KILL for that hair. I mean, no one would take me seriously in the work world because that is some BIG and curly hair, but still, for a weekend it might be fun.
Also, I absolutely wish I could put fun glittery things in my hair, but it looks really odd once you’re over 40. And probably 20.
However she looks great, especially against the dated wallpaper of Conference Room C.
AAAAACK! Judge Johnny Browning with his Flock of Seagulls haircut and totally Oates of Hall & Oates mustache says that Ava was perfect and well-coached. “I enjoyed her,” he says. Although kinda creepy at first, this guy really starts to grow on me.
No, really, you’re going to love this guy.
Alaska is in her room pissing and moaning because her hair was Priscilla-Presley-poofing, and her dad asks how someone so rotten could be so pretty. Are you unfamiliar with the Kardashians? Alaska and her dad keep bitching at each other and that is going to get really old as she becomes a teen. Or now.
I really don’t want birds nesting in my hair, that is so Southern Celebrity Nature Pageant.
Junior Miss Division is where Gabby and Alaska will go head to head – ahh, even I don’t believe that. Gabby has an AMAZING strapless (secret plastic straps) fuschia dress that I adore and must have an adult size of immediately for those days when I’ve got Ava’s hair. If Beth made that, she could make a FORTUNE making and selling pageant dresses. That dress is seriously one of my favorites EVER and I don’t ever remember seeing a strapless dress on anyone – hope that’s not an issue.
Gabby and Alaska see each other in line and kind of make funny faces at each other, but you can tell the tension between the mothers is pretty high. And mature.
Seriously, bitches, take it down a notch.
Lori says she’s seen Gabby’s dress several times (oh, burn on how she only has a few dresses, Lori, are you twelve?) and says, “And if that’s a color her mom wants to put on her…go for it.” Oh Lori, you Total Gym Bitch, that color is one of the most popular in pageants and always looks great with blondes, so shut it. It’s a KICK ASS dress so just own up to it – it will make you look like the bigger person.
Alaska gets onstage in her stunning purple and sparkly dress and she does a great job – great eye contact, enthusiasm and a real spark comes across when she’s onstage. Judge Natalie says Alaska nailed it and that she played to the crowd. She even admits she almost forgot to judge her (don’t worry, that’s what recappers are here to do, and we never forget to judge).
Gabby is up next and again – dress KILLS. So fuschia. So sparkly. However, Gabby does not seem as confident and she does not pull the crowd in…her face is kind of set in stone and there isn’t a lot of enthusiasm, however I think that will come in time – again, this is only her 13th pageant. Alaska says she didn’t watch Gabby then snots, “Why would I?” So you don’t come across as a petty little bitch?
Because LOVE IT INFINITY TIMES INFINITY PLUS INFINITY! Oh glittery fuschia, you never stop giving.
Winter Wear Category! Ava is up in her division and she has a leopard print outfit on with matching cap and shiny black boots – and that hair! J’adore! However, Judge Johnny has the gaul – with HIS hair, the GAUL! – to say he thought she had too much hair going on. “And I like big hair,” he says, saying he’s done hair for 29 years (which I could totally see!), “and I come from the 80s!” OMG, me too! We should totally go out for drinks later and talk about how I can make my hair big but not too big. Call me! But he’s wrong on her hair, it is totally amazing.
And he’s wrong, that hair KILLS. And I’d kill for some just like it.
Emcee Betty says they ahead of schedule if you can believe it (I can’t) and Beth says she likes to be in the ballroom and ready to go at least one age category before Gabby goes on. Okay, we get it, hall-monitoring-apple-polishing-over-achiever. Chill out.
Alaska is in her room getting hosed with hairspray and they begin the Junior Miss Division…and did they move it up? And when they move things up, do they tell people? Because they call Alaska and she’s not there! Oh crap.
Has anyone seen that smart-ass egomaniac? Anyone?
Back in the hotel room, Lori isn’t even mentioning the time, so it’s not like they know they are running late. Beth smiles. God, seriously?
Schadenfreude is a bad color on anyone.
Gabby is up and she is wearing a weird costume…it’s like tweedy, which I totally love, but maybe not for a glitz pageant, and it looks like someone piled a bunch of winter gear on her in the mudroom of their house. However, I do LOVE that hat with the feathers all over the place. I wish everyone dressed like the Kennedy era and we could bring hats like this back. Man I’m old.
The wrong execution of the right idea.
Judge Johnny flat-out says he could not like her outfit. He says of the whole entire day, “It was one of my picks for the worst outfit. THE WORST. Because there were some bad ones.” This guy is freakin’ hilarious! We should get him together with Mr. Todd and dish. “It looks like you shrank your great-grandmother’s clothes,” he says. Yeah, and she was Coo-Coo Chanel.
Alaska gets downstairs and they all start to realize that people with higher numbers have gone ahead of her…rut-roh. Lori says they were told 4:15 was the start time and they got to the ballroom at 4pm, so they thought they had plenty of time. But then they were calling the teen division so Lori takes care of business and Betty announces Alaska.
Beth, being her usual shineshine-y self, says anyone who shows up late should be docked points. THEY ARE, Beth, they are. That’s how it works. But that doesn’t mean they don’t get to go on, that doesn’t mean they will lose, that means they get points off. “I don’t agree that that child should be able to compete in that event.” Beth, ain’t up to you. It’s up to the pageant directors who make their living off of people like you. So have a slice of shut the hell up and let Alaska kick your daughter’s ass fair and square.
Alaska KILLS it. That kid has her routine down pat, the outfit is beautiful and her facial expressions really draw the crowd in. She does a really nice job and doesn’t look like Coo-Coo Chanel doing it.
“I have no idea what these judges are looking for, I just know everyone else made it on time and so should that other person,” Beth says. She’s a barrel of bitter, that one. Maybe if you focused on your daughter more than someone else’s, you might have a shot at winning. Just a little helpful hint. Plus, I remember you saying your daughter had beauty and brains. Guess which one is going to get her further in the world? Her degree from M.I.T. not H&M.
Judging room! Gabby’s pink dress was a hit, but her Winter Wear sucked snowballs – the judges said they couldn’t get passed the fug that was that outfit.
Ava they loved but Johnny says, “She had treacherous amounts of hair.” HAHAHA! I love this guy. I would also love to have treacherous amounts of hair.
And I would totally unleash my treachery on this man.
However the judges LOOOOVED Alaska – clothes, hair, personality – and said, “She owned the stage.” “She drew me in,” says one judge. That is exactly it, she has the ability to draw you in through her expressions that were not Stonehenge. Their only issue was her lateness which Judge Johnny says does affect his score. Agreed, but again, I question if the pageant people moved the times up because they were running ahead and not every parent knew that. Lori certainly seemed surprised, that’s why I bring that up.
CROWNING! Gabby and Alaska wave to each other and you know, they could probably be friends if their moms weren’t being such cooches about this whole thing.
First up, Ava’s group…Most Beautiful…not Ava! Best Personality…Ava! Oh, come on! Celebrity Fairytale Princess…Ava! Oh that is BULLSHIT! I’m sorry, I really think Ava was supreme material at this event, she did a great job and screw them on the hair – I loved it. Jennifer tears up a little when she says that sometimes the results are hard to hear, especially after all of the hard work. Jennifer – you are a great mom and not crazy at all and truly Ava deserved higher! But you handled it with grace so you are waaay ahead of a lot of the other moms. And bottom line: Ava was ROBBED.
TOOOOTAL BULLSHIT. TOTAL.
Ava totally breaks down and interviews that it makes her sad inside. Jennifer consoles her but Ava wants to leave the auditorium. Jennifer holds her and says, “You are mommy’s superstar and I don’t need judges to tell me that.” Awww. And it’s true. And you’re OUR superstar too, little big hair.
Gabby is thoroughly convinced she’s winning big so I have a feeling this crash is going to be big. Beth and Lori talk about how their palms sweat and they want to vomit before crowning. Yeah, that really sounds like a fun way to spend the weekends. Also, at least they have something in common with which to build the bestest friendship ever, like The Parent Trap.
Junior Miss Princess…not our girls! Junior Miss Fairytale Queen…Gabby! Oooh, sucks to be you, loser! Alaska’s family claps for her and they are sitting right next to Beth and her family and you know what is going on there…Beth is pissed and Lori is gloating. Ouch on both sides.
Gabby interviews, “I won Division Queen.” Then she gasps, drops her head into her lap and starts bawling her eyes out. Looking at the camera, she says, “I’m done,” and she gets up and walks away, saying, “I don’t know why I’m crying.” Really? Because I do.
And of course, Alaska moves up to the Supreme Division and Beth is pissssssed. Beth hugs Gabby and says she’s proud of her. Uh-huh.
Well, her nails do look fantastic.
Junior Miss Fairytale Winter Supreme…not Alaska…which means the Junior Miss Fairytale Winter Ultimate Grand Supreme with three types of meat and extra cheese is Alaska. Now Beth is suuuuper pissed.
In your faces!
Alaska says she deserved this win because she worked her “tushy” off. Yep, you did. We can’t deny that. You also worked your mouth a little more than it needed to be, too.
Then Beth goes back to the bitter barn and says, “You know what, Gabby, it’s better than showing off.” What is? Being queen instead of Ultimate Grand Supreme? I’m guessing you wouldn’t have said that had Gabby won. But give her more than 13 pageants to get herself to that level!
Ah, the agony of the feet…spent all day in patent leather.
Beth says, “Why make a big scene? I don’t want to embarrass my kids. And I don’t want my kids to act like that when they’re grown up. Today everybody saw how Alaska did. She was late and she won the Grand Supreme.” Beth, I’m sure they took points off, but her points were so damn high because she did such a good job that it didn’t matter!
Gabby demands her score sheets and Beth says they will get them through email. She interviews that Gabby should be a “poster child” because she doesn’t sass her mom and “she is a winner,” she says, breaking down in tears. Yeah, judges don’t judge on sassing your mom, just FYI. And look at things long term – this is a good experience and one she can joke about when she’s CEO somewhere.
Lori says, “Winning is elating…if that’s a word.” Alaska says she sees Miss Universe in her pageant future and that she’s going to do pageants until she’s 1000 years old. “I will always be gorgeous…I might get a couple face-lifts,” she says, “but that’s a long time from now.” Try to have an ego-ectomy when you get a chance.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful! We don’t. It’s because you’re kind of a bitch.
The three moms are interviewed after the pageant and Lori says she doesn’t have anything bad to say about the pageant (no duh) because it went in her favor. When she says this, Beth goes apoplectic and almost swallows her tongue. Jennifer starts cracking up and Beth says she ready to go home. Then go! And do 100 more pageants THEN complain when you don’t win. Geez Louise.
To alleviate the pain, she thinks of George Clooney.
Next week…It’s Disco Inferno! And it looks like another mother stand-off and I believe it’s the return of SamiJo. Phew.
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