Toddlers and Tiaras: Sparkle the Serial Killer

This week on Toddlers and Tiaras, judge rigging! Giant hair on tiny bodies!! The most adorable serial killer ever born!

I lost a toof bitin’ out some guy’s juguhler.

The marvelous Dear Crabby has covered Toddlers and Tiaras forevs on this site, and I read every single recap. Sometimes she even lets me do screengrabs and captions for her, cuz I don’t watch every show but every single screencap is HILARIOUS.

Poor thing took too much Ambien and fell asleep on the paper shredder.

See? That was the first second of the show. Anyway, when Crabby told me she had to take a week off for real life stuff, I jumped at the chance to do a guest recap. I know you come here for your Crabby, but don’t worry. She’ll be back next week!

Today’s episode takes place in Fort Mill, South Carolina, and the first kid we see tells us in a t-hick accent that she’s unstoppable when it comes to pageants. Her confidence is kinda undermined by the giant kid rating.

Not even one minute in and we’ve got our first blinded brat. YAY!

We’re going to see a pageant grandma and a kid who’s won over fifty thousand bucks. Hey. What is Heidi doing on this show? With claw hair?

Rigging, glitter, and vicious moms. Let’s do this!! We open with a shot of a little cross eyed girl dancing around in a bikini. LOL.

Today’s pageant director is Misti. Misti became a pageant director cuz she likes to slut up little crosseyed girls in bikinis and then eat them on a hoagie roll.

Crosseyed half naked children are best with a chipotle aioli.

This pageant is called the Southern Majestic Princess Pageant, and Misti tells us that this one’s all about the glitz. Unlike those other pageants, which are all about boring things like reading and adding things. We get clips of the kids doing their thing, and man. I have to hit replay many times because I can’t stop laughing. Please, God, let this kid win.

Work it, sista!

This show makes me want to have children. It also makes me want to murder parents, so as far as uplifting programming it’s a wash for me.

Let’s go to Mt. Morris, Pennsylvania! There are a lot of things there. No? Well, there’s a bridge, so that’s progressive.

Wells coming soon.

Hick-y papaw sittin’ on a rockin’ chair music diddles and then that changes to rock music as some kind of outdoor funtime vehicle comes barreling down the yard and almost hits the family dog. They may not have much in Mt. Morris, but they do have a plastic surgeon, apparently.

Was she always lazy eyed or was that just a shitty doctor? Stay tuned!

Pam, to be known here as Grandma Heidi, is a “huntress”, and is very proud that her granddaughter Ariana can spot a deer better than she can. Of course she can. She hasn’t had her eyelids stapled to her skull. Ariana looks like one of the poor put upon orphans in Annie.

Perfect! Places!

Ariana tells us that she loves huntin’! If she see a deer (her grammar, not mine), she’ll shoot it. Then she’ll gut it. And then stab it in the back. And then cut his legs off. Then cut his eyes off. Then his head. I imagine Barbies don’t last long in this house. Or pets. Or play dates. Yikes. Grandma Heidi cackles and calls Ariana “my little deer slayer.” Then she shows us her big set of teeth, probably stolen off some woodchuck that Ariana got to know in the woods.

When she’s over ten, I’n gonna have her go out and cut me off a new face. I got my eye on a Wal-Mart cashier tryin to save up for community. YOU CAN’T HIIIIIDE!

This episode will be used as evidence in a state trial one day. Mark my words. Let’s move on…no let’s seriously f ing RUN to Mt. Holly, North Carolina. They’re way more progressive than that other place. They have a stoplight!

We meet Mom Sandi and daughter Chelsea looking at a bunch of fake diamond crowns. Sandi tells us “my daughter is gonna blow…the judges away!” How self unaware can you be, lady? I just want to know if one mother on this episode is gonna be able to open both of her eyes all the way.

Chelsea is the brat who told us in the opening that she’s unstoppable when it comes to pageants. I’m guessing she also holds the Most Marbles Up The Nose title in the neighborhood.

No, you don’t have any bats in the cave. Put your head down or you’re never gonna get a boyfriend.

Mom says that Chelsea has won fifty thousand dollars at pageants, and Chelsea shows us her anime painting. She tells us that the pic is how she looks with a little makeup.

And plastic coating, and wigs, and nostril putty.

Chels says she’s very competitive. “It’s no fun when you don’t got no one to compete against.” Something tells me the competing stops at debate team or mathletes or anything with actual learnin’ required. Mom makes Chelsea practice her dance, and says that she can do better. Then she tells us she insists on beating her child at as many games as possible to teach her that it’s hard work to be the best or something. She adds that she doesn’t mind people judging her kid cuz Mom is the worst critic. Good. That’s one less hate comment I have to deal with. Thanks for the pass, ass!

Then Mom gives us an example of what she means and does Chels’ routine all out. It’s embarrassing. For mothers, daughters, and routines. What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? looks like a Disney movie next to this woman.

The Split End Head Whip

I hope the serial killer kid gets ahold of these two. Now on to Indian Trail, North Carolina. They have bridges, stoplights, and their own hospital.

Just in case Moms who can’t get over their own failed ambitions slip a disc trying to dance like a ten year old.

Victoria’s next. She’s adorable and has a sparkling personality. Did I accidentally switch channels? Cuz this can’t be right.

Her grandma is as not annoying as Vic. Bring back the hatables!!

Look lady, if you insist on being this likable I’m gonna have to find another gig.

This is the first time I’ve ever seen a parental figure explain to a kid that their anime pics aren’t real. She tells Vic that the teeth are fake, the skin is fake, the eyes are fake…basically Grandma turned you into a cartoon. Isn’t it fun? Victoria can’t believe it’s not her. LOL. I keep a picture of myself all thin in my twenties in my head, and every time I pass a mirror I have the same reaction as Vic had.

Does this mean I can’t go to Dora the Explorer’s house after school?

Grandma is raising Vic. It’s rough to raise a kid all over again, but she wouldn’t have it any other way. And who can blame her? Victoria’s even adorable when she tells her Grandma to go suck it.

Let’s check in with Chelsea. She lives on Perfection Ave. Everything about this family makes me want to turn a can of Aqua Net into a blowtorch and go on a rampage.

Chels wins my heart a bit when she tells us that she used to do pageants every weekend but now she races dirt bikes too. Hey brat, how bout finding a hobby that doesn’t cost thousands of dollars? Like soccer or something.

Well, she changed her mind on the dirt bike thing even though I’m sure she was better than everyone else ever born. She had to sell her dirt bike to buy her two thousand dollar dress for this pageant. Wow. For a possible seven hundred and fifty dollar prize. So even if you win, you lose. Somehow that makes me feel better about all this. It takes her two full days to get ready for a pageant. Is she shaving her legs already? Enjoy the pageants while you can kid cuz if you’re already hairy enough to shave the only pageants you’ll be doing as an adult are gonna be in Little Armenia.

Back to Victoria. Grandma has Victoria practice opening her small eyes really wide for the judges. She’s turning her into the joker.

Just like that.

Telling your kid her eyes are too tiny isn’t cool. What’s she supposed to do? You want her to look like that plastic surgery grandma? Let her alone! Squinty eyes can be pretty, too! Grandma’s crazy leaks out a little bit as she tells us how seriously you have to take pageants. What’s up with Ariana? She tells us about things she loves. Winnin’. Makuppin’. Gettin’ her nails on. Shootin’. Slicin’. Dicin’. Runnin’ from da pigs, etc. Her mom doesn’t have time to take her out of town for pageants, so thank goodness for grandma. And for great grandma, who helps out. People like this come from a loooong line, as evidenced below.

You think you’re just born with a personality like this? NO. That kind of undevelopment takes generations.

Great Grandma loves wacky hats and funny voices. She wants to be called YaYa, which is a vowel switch away from being right on the nose. As YoYo walks around doing a hick Jackie Gleason impression while wearing a hamburger hat, Ariana practices her talent for the pageant.

This kid is going places. Like courtrooms and prisons.

Chelsea goes to visit Miss Amber, her coach. Who’s also a mistress of the night most likely. Who calls themselves that? She makes a hundred and fifty to two hundred an hour! Dang! And that’s in the daylight! It’s a lot, especially because Chelsea’s “talent” is jumping around like she’s having seizures and all she gets from Miss Amber is “good job!” Rip off!

Uh yeah, that’s great spaz. Two hundred dollars please.

Who cares? Let’s get back to the serial killer. She’s the most entertaining. Grandma Heidi and YoYo have a trailer in the back used only to get serial killer ready for shows and hide dead bodies. They can’t call it Pageant and Dead Body Storage Locker, so Pageant Trailer will have to do. I like The Hurt Trailer, so I’ll stick with that. The ladies choose crazy outfits so Ariana will stand out. I don’t know that that’s necessary, just have her talk about her hobbies and save some money. Grandma quizzes Ariana on the color of the following hideous dress:

Grey. LOL

Now let’s meet Tom, Vic’s grandpa. He’s very supportive of pageants even though his wife has spent over twenty thousand grand on them. Divorce is cheaper than that, man. Miss Amber is also Vic’s coach. I hope the serial killers don’t find out about that or Miss Amber’s gonna be on the back of a milk carton by showtime. As Vic stretches, Miss Amber tells her to make it hurt. Vic is incredulous. “You want me to break my bone?” HAHAHAH. Yes. Yes she does. No pain no gain! If you can’t put your ankles behind your head you can’t grow up to be like Miss Amber, which means you’ll have to go to college instead of using the parts God gave you to make money after dark and what kind of life is that?

YoYo and Grandma Heidi take Ariana to the local Michael’s to get enough plastic jewels to glue onto shit. They spend twenty seven hundred dollars. Is this a bad time to bring up Haiti? The seven hour drive to the pageant is upon them, but YoYo can’t find the keys. The most important thing about this scene, though, is this pic.

I think it’s time to start looking into nursing homes.

We’re at Fort Mill! Time for some GLITZ!!! The girls arrive and Grandma Heidi tells us that Ariana drank all of YoYo’s coffee so she might be a little cracked out. Ariana loooooves coffee! “Ahm a coffee dareeeenker”. HAHA this girl loves everything. Chelsea’s boyfriend has come to the pageant, and Mom says that he’s gonna love seeing her all made up. Then she makes a little dirty face. This mother is the same one who said something about her kid blowing the judges…away. She’s creeping me out. Chelsea says that her bf follows her everywhere she goes, which means he’s obsessed with her. She’s smiling now, but when she’s an adult she’ll realize that she needs to learn a little something about restraining orders. She says that if she wins she’s gonna give her crown to her boyfriend. I hope for her sake that he’s not too thrilled with that gift, cuz there’s nothing worse than dedicating your youth to a future gay guy.

Speaking of gay guys, let’s meet Ariana’s makeup artist, Sabastian Ready. If that’s not a bottom’s name I don’t know what is.

Girrrrl! I’s ready!

Ready drawls to Ariana “Sabastian was up all night doin’ yer curlz.” He owns a pageant store and tells us that he’s been in the pageant queen biz for twenty years. Grandma Heidi just met him this weekend and already loves him. Wait. You met him this weekend? Where? I want to see that go down. Was it at a gay bar, a plastic surgeon’s office or a Michael’s? Come on TLC, you’re missing the meat of the episode. Anyway, I’m guessing Ready makes this face a lot around this family.

Girl, she tole me she was on Da Heelz.

Beauty’s first, and Pageant Director says that they’ll be looking at perfect hair, makeup, flippers (what is that?) and tanning. The kids are ADORABLE!!! HAHAHAHAHAH I love this part.

F this!! I’m goin to college!

The prize is big for this pageant so there’s no buffet. The announcer lady’s got enough to feed the entire room though.

Good Lord. That woman’s a living breathing Golden Corral.

Are you my mommy? Are you my mommy? Are you my mommy?

The four and five year old (b)racket is up next. This is the toughest division, Pageant Lady tells us, because it’s full of “seasoned veterans.” These babies all fought in Vietnam in their past lives. Grandma Heidi says that she’s hoping Ariana doesn’t throw in her “freelance moves.” Oh God please let her throw those in!! She doesn’t. She’s like a little robot. She looks kinda insane….

Take me to your leader or I’ll gut your house pet.

….but not nearly as unbalanced as Grandma Heidi.

Do the dead fish with a mullet move I taught you!

Granny Heidi tells us that Ariana did throw in her special moves, but I couldn’t tell what they were. She did a thing at the end where instead of blowing kisses she shot them at the judges with a finger gun, but hey she should be herself at least a little.

Time for the eight to nine division. Victoria’s kinda over it. She might have accidentally sipped the oj grandpa laced with Vicodin for a freaking out grandma. Granny is confused cuz she gave the kid her crack so there shouldn’t be any yawns.

It’s called a crash, lady. She’s gonna be on Celebrity Rehab with a Sweet Tart addiction. I hope you’re happy.

Vic does ok, though. She even opens her eyes as widely as possible like she was told. The effect is startling.

Vicolantern

Other than crazy eyes she kicks butt. She looks pretty and beams with confidence. Ten to thirteen year olds are next, and it’s way more frightening seeing these girls act robotic cuz they should have some kind of rebellion forming by now. Chelsea has a really pretty dress and about thirty pounds of wig going on.

The luau part is next. Grandma Heidi is nervous about the bikini cuz she doesn’t want to give jerk off material to the creepy people. Nice to hear someone be actually aware of the fact that it’s kinda sick to put a four year old in a bikini to parade around a national stage gyrating and doing splits, but she does it anyway so the points she just earned are gone. Most of the girls don’t even wear bikinis, and they’re all hilariously adorable. This one looks like either someone just scared the life out of her or she’s thinking about a life as a mime.

Ghost children should be disqualified. They had their chance.

Ariana is so damn cute!! She comes out bouncing all over the place and just kills me. Er…makes me laugh. I shouldn’t say things like “kills me” when Ariana’s around, she might take it as an invitation.

Ariana bounces her hips and then rips off her grass skirt like a stripper. Way to discourage the pervs, Granny Heidi!

head slap

Yeah! Take it off!

It’s nice to see that at least one of the judges is kinda disturbed.

Victoria really knows how to take the stage with confidence and she kills it. Chelsea is confident and robotic, and her boyfriend builds a little tent in her honor.

habedehabedehabedeh

Outfit of Choice is next, and it’s amaizing to see what the moms come up with when they have no boundaries.

So this is what regret looks like.

I don’t know who this little girl is, but she has to win. She’s hilarious.

Ariana looks like a murdered cotton candy machine with a belly belt.

Grandma Heidi is worried about the improvising thing, and this time she has reason to. Ariana does a couple of skipping circles and then just jumps up and down, partying her face off. I had to stand and cheer for that one. This little girl is a character. I wanna adopt her, but I might have to have a smackdown with Granny YoYo first, which means it would be kidnapping and I don’t think I’m up for that. Still, adore.

Grandma Heidi? Not so amused.

Stop frickin around! Gran needs the prize to get her eyes did ageein!

Real the hair guy is pissed too. “Did she stick with the program? No she did not!!” You don’t wanna piss off Real. He’ll scratch your face off. Victoria is all energy by the time she performs. Dang. She’s cracked out and doing cartwheels and stuff.

Miss Amber would be proud.

Chelsea has a pretty cool outfit for western wear. Very Cher.

Love the gold bike shorts. Cholas across America, consider yourself inspired. Crowning time!! Dramatic music plays and Ariana wins….

Love the tatt, Granny YoYo! You little slut!

….Queen!! I thought that was good, but it means that she’s not eligible to win Supreme. Grandma Heidi is pissed. She spent three thousand bucks and the crown cost one.

If it helps, you also win the title of MY HERO.

Victoria wins…..Most Beautiful!! She doesn’t win Queen, which is good I guess. Ten to thirteens are up next. Chelsea wins….Most Beautiful! She doesn’t win Queen, which is good. Poor Grandma Heidi is about to have a breakdown, so Real starts poisoning her brain to make her feel better.

He tells her there must be cheating, and Grandma Heidi bites. Victoria (who is supposedly the cheater) wins Mini Supreme, and not Grand Supreme. Poor Mary Wilson!! She doesn’t know what any of this crap means, so she’s just happy to have her crown. Her Gran knows though and she’s gonna be pissed. She kissed Judge butt for nothing!! Also, it means Real is full of shit and needs to stop spreading his bitterness all over the place. The Ultimate Most Specialist Supreme Super Sized for the entire pageant is…..Chelsea!! She’s thrilled in a dead pan way and her mom is “astatic”. Grandma Heidi is full on bitter and goes off about the judge that knows Victoria sabotaging her kid. But Vic didn’t win, she came in second, right? I can’t tell. Too many Supremes for my tiny little brain to compute.

As promised, Chelsea gives her boyfriend the crown, planting the seed to some heartbreak later in life.

Congrats, queen.

Thanks for putting up with me this week. DearCrabby will be back next time! xo