Toddlers & Tiaras: I’ve Got Your Glitz Right Here

This week’s Toddlers & Tiaras is being hosted at the Bradley International Airport Sheridan hotel in Hartford, Connecticut, so you know it’s a quality event because they are offering fast getaway options. Cheryl Powers, this week’s pageant director and wallflower du episode, says that the “America’s Regal Gems” pageant is “my glitz pageant.” Stingy much? Their furthest competitor is coming from Utah, probably because the Mormons don’t allow pageants…?

Party hearty, tardies.

The pageant’s big title is “Diamond Supreme,” and people, for once I’m not loving the crown. It is big, which normally I do love, but it has a design of diamonds in the crown and it sort of looks tacky. It’s hard to explain and thanks to the laziness of TLC execs, there aren’t any pictures because God forbid they load up the FULL episodes to their website or to iTunes or Amazon.com where I can pay $2 for the privilege of watching their freakshow. Anyhoodle, the winner also receives a $1000 savings bond that can go towards their next Outfit of Choice and a trip for four to Orlando, which is precisely why I don’t go to Orlando. Free family trips.

I like the idea of colored rhinestones in a tiara
but to put them in the shape of a diamond…meh.

In Addison, Maine, state motto “Brrr it’s freakin’ cold in winter,” we meet seven year old Elexis who is glittering her hermit crab pets. Where is PETA when you need them? Hope that glues doesn’t poison them. She likes to be in pageants because she likes to win and her mother Darlene is her biggest supporter. “Her first steps she ever took were onstage,” she says. I’m sure that’s a memory that will keep on giving. “She was three years old when she started having her winning streak,” Darlene says. Well, nothing like setting her up for failure in the real world!

“She’s won a lot of trophies, a lot of crowns, some money,” Darlene admits, “which we put towards her college fund.” I bet “some money” goes to the Fish Bait Junior College Fund where we may have enough to cover first semester. Personally, I think she’s just in it for the glory. “I might leave my crabs at home for the pageant,” she says. So they can rest up for your first semester of high school when you infest the boy’s basketball team. Good thinking!

Over in Salt Lake City, Utah, we head over towards McMansionville to meet our crazy mother of the episode, Brandie with an I-E and her seven year old daughter/head case Morghan. “I’m Morghan and I can’t wait to win a crown at America’s Regal Gems,” she says presumptuously. “My favorite part is winning. Yeah.” Other than her attitude, she looks really cute for a little kid, but don’t worry, they’ll whore her up.

She seems so cute and normal. Spoiler alert.

“I love my mom,” she continues. “It’s just sometimes…” uh-oh…”we just fight and get mad at each other.” So basically you are like every other mother and daughter in the world? “I like practicing but sometimes it’s hard because you have to keep practicing the same thing over and over again.” That was circular logic like no other. I think what you meant was, “Practicing sucks!”

They spend so much on pageants they can’t even afford walls.

Her mother practices with her. “Remember…hop forward…not like that…no, not like that…hop FORWARD…no, not NOT like that. I said NOT like that…forward. FORWARD…HOP LIKE THAT! Not like a bunny!” Can you imagine what she must be like in bed? Her poor husband.

Don’t point that in my face! What kind of husband are you?
POINT IT DOWN! No, that’s NOT WHAT SHE SAID.
It’s what I said!

“When I don’t win, I feel guilty,” Morghan says. You know what would help get rid of that feeling? Purging after every meal. You know you want to.

In Brooklyn, New York, we meet Kim and her six year old diva Victoria. Her favorite part of being in pageants is “meeting friends” which I think is code for “cutting those bitches down to size!” When she grows up she wants to be a doctor, hairdresser, singer, rock star, teacher, and veterinarian. Just like Angelina Jolie! And I think they prefer stylist to hairdresser.

Victoria has only been in twelve pageants…amateur! Her mother tells us she’s hell on wheels onstage and the camera just loves her. Don’t they tell porn stars that too? “When I’m onstage, it feels like I’m special,” Victoria says. Don’t make me hate you.

Back at McMansion, Brandie is combing a small animal/hairpiece. “The ‘fake stuff,’ ” Brandie says, doing the quote motion with her hands, “doesn’t bother me.” She continues that they like to compete in glitz pageants and they’ll keep doing it. Morghan has a hairpiece on that makes her look batshit crazy and even more so when she keeps asking for her flipper. Her teeth look freakish with that thing in.

One time I air-quoted and my hands just stuck this way.

What else doesn’t Brandie mind? Hairpieces! She says one makes it look like she spent hours on Morghan’s hair, “but I didn’t, so kudos to mom!” When she’s done with a pageant, the flipper comes out and the snacks come out, and “I don’t mind it.” We get it, you don’t mind and you are being so vocal about not minding that I think you are trying to convince yourself as well as us that this is okay. Whatever helps you sleep, Brandie.

Oh no, Pippi has rabies!

Back at the lobsta’ bake in Maine, Elexis aka Lexie has a new, so-hot-pink fuschia dress, my TV almost went on strike. Hope it was cheap but I bet it wasn’t! She has a western outfit for her talent when she “plays” the guitar and her swimsuit for the ick factor category. Right now, they have about $2500 invested in the pageant. I bet she’s lying and it’s actually about $1500 higher.

In Brooklyn, Kim is explaining to Victoria that this is their first glitz pageant. “Say what?” Victoria says. What she said, nimrod, is that you are going to make a lot of rookie mistakes and we get to see it on national television. Jackpot!

Kim had originally stayed away from the glitz because of the expense and violent competition. I may be lying about one of those things. She says the clothes and tanning are expensive, and I want to know how much you really need to spend on tanning when your daughter has the wonderfully in-style Obama shade-o-flesh going on? Moisturize and get out the door.

How are they paying for it? By begging from their family. Okay, they may not have begged, but they mentioned the pageant, mentioned the cost, sighed, and all of a sudden family started sending them money. Wonder if I could do that?

Back in Big Love Utah, Brandie says she doesn’t sew the dresses, but she makes everything else, and what she seems to do best is dressing her daughter like a Coyote Ugly ho-bag. Yikes! Her talent outfit is hotpant-style shorts and a halter that is part black bikini top and part purple leather strips across it. Really subtle. “My husband said that the lovely outfit for my daughter looked like a dominatrix outfit,” Brandie says, and isn’t that really what these pageants are all about?

Look, all I’m saying is what I’m feeling…it ain’t right.

Morghan’s father Jack elaborates that her outfit looks like it’s out of a medieval show, which is where he’ll be camping out with the wenches when his wife and daughter take off for Connecticut. “That’s not revealing,” Brandie says, “it shows [aka "reveals"] her belly.” Jack tells us that he wouldn’t want his belly to show. Well you know what? Then YOU don’t compete in the America Regal Gems, mmm’kay? “Whatever works,” Brandie icily says. Yeah, they haven’t had sex in years.

Meet Morghan’s new mommy.

Back up in Maine, Darlene is helping Lexie practice, and says she’s shocked when people at pageants actually call kids ugly. I call kids horrible soul-stealing, crying, pooping, shackles around their parents’ ankles, but my family is pretty used to that by now. She says the pageants have really helped Lexie’s self esteem but Darlene is going need thicker skin if she continues on the pageant mom circuit.

Back in Brooklyn, we meet Stephen from Brazil Bronze Glow Bar tanning salon that I have no doubt will be out of business when we see the kind of tanning job this guy does on Victoria, who is already a beautiful cocoa brown. Kim is a bloody mess over this whole tanning business because apparently she’s been living under a rock and doesn’t know what it entails. It’s cold, wet, and sticky. I know you are expecting a sex joke here, but it just really wouldn’t be much of a challenge. That’s what she said.

See, here’s your problem, fishbulb.
It can’t get in those cheek crevices.

“I want her to be as natural as possible,” her mother says with a straight face, “in a glitz pageant,” she finishes, realizing her misstep and busting out laughing. Thank God for that, or she’d be crazy mom this week.

If I laugh at myself, they won’t think I’m crazy!

Morghan is at her salon and is about to get her spray tan. “I prefer her tanned because of her complexion…being as fair as she is,” Brandie says. So they spray her. But you know what they say about paint and nail polish, several thin coats are better than one thick coat, so they hose her again. And again. And again. Yes, they spray tan this poor kid FOUR TIMES to get her the right color. Why didn’t mom just mate with a non-whitey to get the color she wanted, Jesus Christ!

Lexie is practicing with her guitar teacher and her big song is “Buffalo Girls” which most of us know from It’s a Wonderful Life where Donna Reed goes naked in front of war hero Mr. Smith who goes to Washington. Oh, Donna, will he ever lasso that moon for you?

How precious were old-timey movies? Very.
This would never work on Match.com

Back in Brooklyn, Kim tells us that Victoria gets her hair done at the salon once a week, and I call bullshit on this. ONCE A WEEK? Who has that kind of time? I spend about 2.5 hours at the salon every eight weeks and I get twitchier than a tased criminal.

Over in Hartford, pageant director Cheryl and her team are getting things together for the pageant. “We’ll be up very late tonight,” she admits. Should have planned ahead, Cheryl, it’s not the eighth-grade dance except that it sort of is. That stage looks like an insurance nightmare. Thank God they’re in Hartford, insurance capital of the world.

Darlene and Lexie drove down from Maine and she’s a nervous wreck and stressed. Well, at least she came prepared. Brandie and Morghan fly out from Utah, and Victoria and Kim just take the cross-town bus to get there. It’s just different levels of commitment to the glitz, and the glitz knows it, people.

Guess who’s here?! Miss Margie from previous pageants! “She cost $100,” Kim tells us, “because she knows her stuff.” And because she has Bette Davis eyes and could make a pro blush, too, I’m guessing. She works with Victoria on “her faces” which scares me for some reason. Just use the one you’ve got!

Pageant day! I’d like to know exactly how many girls are participating because when you see the room it looks like maybe 20 or 30, which really? Would you come all the way from Utah for that?

The day starts early with Victoria getting her makeup done at 6am, which I’m sure it going to hold throughout the day. Damn, even my makeup seems to slide off my face by 10:30 in the morning, but mostly because I’ve lost my will to live and I’m trying to save money on the embalming.

Miss Margie is doing Victoria’s makeup and notices that her tan is super-splotchy on her neckline and her concern is the judges will take off points for that. Just paint her with some powder bronzer, I’m sure she’ll be fine. Lexie is getting her makeup done by Miss Margie and mom Darlene is not feeling the love.

“I feel a little uncomfortable with who is doing Lexie’s hair and makeup,” Darlene tells us in the confessional. “I think it’s her personality. She doesn’t make me feel real warm and fuzzy.” She doesn’t have to, she’s $100! She’s also a dead-ringer for Laverne from Laverne and Shirley! Seriously, I just figured that out!

And Ozzie Osbourne, apparently.

Victoria says she’s tired already and wishes she were still sleeping. “I’m not really wide-awake,” she says. That’s usually how I spend the work day. But all is not lost, Darlene is actually happy with how Margie has made up her doll Lexie, so she’s calmed down. Who the hell brought that skanky poodle to the event?

“I practiced and I’m ready,” Victoria says. It would be more convincing if her nose weren’t sky high right now. And her hair was bigger. Oh look! Lexie’s dad is also there today for moral support/his 15 minutes of fame. Morghan de-stresses by acting like an old lady…huh? I didn’t get that and that kid just gets weirder from there.

One of the judges says she tough because there are just so many competitors, she has to be. She might consider changing her eyebrows from “painted on surprise” to “normal eyebrows” when she gets a chance. Maybe I shouldn’t be so tough, but then I would just hold it inside and die of a heart attack sooner.

Up first? Beauty Wear. One girl freaks, has a breakdown, and clutches her mom. Points off! The moms continue to go nuts in the audience, getting their children to mimic them, but what is so creepy is how close to the judges they are – right behind them with no partition or velvet rope. What the hell kind of security is that? I’d be like, “Back it down now, give me my personal space, Mom Jeans.”

Victoria is onstage and she is wearing a totally tricked-out first Holy Communion dress on. She twirls, prances, and bounces, but damn, her hair is small. Next? Lexie. Could that kid be any stiffer? Her dad says, “It looks like a 20 year-old face on a 5 or 7 year-old body.” Not making anyone feel better about this carnival act.

“Do I think beauty has an impact on your life?” Darlene asks. “Yes I do.” Can’t argue with that because it’s true. “If you don’t have beauty, you’re not going to grab that attention.” What about Charles Manson? He grabbed attention and he’s butt-ugly. I bet he’d look cute in fuchsia ruffles though. No, actually, he wouldn’t. Also, Lexie’s hair is huge. Nice work.

Morghan is up now and she looks like Fakey McFakerson, or every popular girl who treated you like dirt in Junior High, Kelly B I’m looking in your direction you nasty bizzitch. Ahem. “Am I competitive?” Brandie asks. “Yes…it’s an adrenaline rush. I’m an adrenaline junkie.” Okay, number one, jump out of an airplane instead of parading your daughter around a stage and two, you haven’t had sex in decades, have you?

“I did guuuuud,” she says. Well, the humility is a nice touch.

Next up is the swimwear competition and sweet mother of God this never fails to creep me out. PUT SOME CLOTHES ON! Pageant director Cheryl says they allow two-pieces and bikinis but they don’t allow thongs. Are you freakin’ jerkin’ my chain? No thongs for the kids? Is that an actual rule or one of the ten commandments? “It’s just really hard to pull off a thong with a perfect body,” she says. Oh, so it’s not that it’s that they are kids, it’s that most of them don’t have the asses to pull it off. Muuuuch better. I hope this hotel cleans this conference room with bleach when the pageant is over.

Victoria is up and works it like a girl trying out for Hooters. I’m serious, this is just wrong, especially when they do that fish-lipped pout worthy of Lolita. ICK! ICK! ICK! Super ICK!

Lexie runs onstage with her Blue Hawaii biking and headband that falls off mid-dance. She catches it and it seems smooth at the time, but then she completely breaks down offstage because of her headband falling off. She LOSES it, but I think the important thing is we didn’t overreact, not at all, no sir. She’s suicidal and the camera gets it all on tape.

Morghan is up next and she works it like a Girls Gone Wild video. Even worse? She says, “You know the one white judge? He was literally almost the one that’s smiling.” Uh, all of the judges are white, so please explain that designation to me. She could have said the one male judge, the one judge who isn’t like the others, the one judge who probably doesn’t know how to gift-wrap, but no, she designates him as the white judge. I speak for all of us when I say What the f#ck?

“I did great. Which means awesome,” she says. I hate this white kid.

Next up? “Talent.” Oh, folks, worse than an elementary school Christmas pageant. So, so painful. While Lexie tells us what she’s going to see, we see video of lollipop head anorexic checking herself in the mirror. Oh, yes, pageants have done wonders for her self-esteem. Size zero probably thinks she’s a fatty. Nice job, pageants! EAT A BURGER.

Victoria interviews that for talent, she’s going to break wind. Wait, she’s going to be wind. I’m not sure is which is worse. Actually, I do, but that train has left the station and will soon be blowing all over the stage. She really should be wearing blue or gray but not orange, that is more a sun color, you know?

Lexie is up with her guitar and her “voice.” She is totally and completely off key and if Simon Cowell were in the audience, he would have gonged her right off the stage. “She got a little out of tune,” her mother says, blaming it on a cold. Blame it on Rio, she was so out of tune airplanes flying into Bradley International had to be diverted due to wind shear!

Oh my God, how much do I love those Jimmy Dean commercials with the sun?

Victoria is up next, and apparently wind is very dramatic and likes to writhe on the floor. Look, there’s interpretive dance and there’s St. Vitus’ dance, and you seem to have them confused. “I don’t know what the judges wrote,” Victoria says. I do, they wrote, “You suck” twenty times! One judge was even tapping her fingers, or at least the editing leads us to believe. Is her mother crying? I would be if that were my kid, then on the way home I’d drop her off at the pound.

Brandie says about Morghan, “She’s in her lovely western wear, and it kicks butt.” She forgets to add the “So there!” she so desperately wanted to throw in her husband’s face. Too bad he’s at Medieval Times gnawing on a turkey leg and propositioning a saucy wench who is wearing your daughter’s cast-off outfits.

AAAAACK! My eyes! My morals! My outrage!
My enjoyment of reality TV overpowers everything!

Morghan comes out with a Blade Runner-esque trench coat that is hiding her naughty, naughty secret. The music starts up slowly, she dances a bit, then – YOWZA – she backbends, drops her jacket by wiggling out of it, and they edit over to the pageant announcer who gives a sideways look, like “What a ho!” I’m sorry, “What a white ho!” This was really, really, really creepy and thank God her dad was thousands of miles away in Utah being denied caffeinated products.

Even I’m uncomfortable with this, and I help run this legal underage brothel!

Her mother says that Morghan told her not to worry, she’d be fine onstage. “She worried the beeping beep out of me,” Brandie says. Please leave the swearing to the recappers, thanks. Morghan says, “The middle judge, who is a boy, he’s like lookin’ around.” Morghan will be pregnant by the age of 15, just watch. By a white boy. “I rocked it,” she says, “I rocked the house. Raise the roof, raise the roof.” Did I mention I hate this kid? This white kid?

Victoria is getting onstage again to sing and it turns out she’s been “fighting a cold,” which is the same sad-sack story I use when I fake call-in sick. She sings “The Star Spangled Banner” and everyone plays ball when she finishes and yes, she was pretty bad even for a sickie. Hope it’s not swine flu but if it is, go breathe on Morghan and Brandie, quick! However, Lexie does look adorable in red.

Crowing ceremony. Morghan says she’s pretty sure she’s going to win, then she starts talking to herself and high-fiving herself, “You did great! High five (claps hands)! You did great! High five…” what a whack job. “You did awesome girlfriend…Yeah I did.” How many personalities does it take to be well-rounded?

Oh, it was “white boy judge” who brought the poodle. ‘Nuff said.

Lexie interviews that she thinks she has a good chance to win. “I think my talents are going to push me over the top,” she says. Well, the definitely pushed me over the edge. Cochlear, take me away! Victoria thinks she can win too, but I think her chances are dust in the wind. “Scores are close,” pageant director Cheryl says. Oh my ass they are.

Cheryl interviews that during crowning they start with the lower titles first, then work their way up to larger titles. Really, because usually we have the Superbowl, then the playoffs, then regular season, then pre-season. Dumbass, we know how this works, we’re not amateurs at making fun of this show.

Most Photogenic? Morghan! Meh. Cover Model? Not our girls. Talent High Point Winner…not our girls…no wait, it’s Lexie! Oh you have GOT to be kidding me! The other girls must have sucked more than she did. Well, Victoria was wind, so I’m guessing the competition wasn’t that tough overall if that is any indication.

Ruby Supreme? Ruby is my birthstone! I want that ugly crown now! Here’s the weird thing, instead of announcing their names, they have girls go onstage with cardboard squares, then they flip the squares over to show a tiny picture of the girl who won. Morghan thinks one of them was her and she gets up to go get her crown, then sits down and says, “That girl looked just like me,” while her mother quips, “She doesn’t even know what she looks like.” What a bitch. She should go bowling with Jamie Sterling.

However, Lexie wins Ruby Supreme! Super-awesome, she does look good in red and the crown has red sparkles.

Sapphire Supreme? Victoria wins. What a tragic burgundy velour dress she is wearing. It’s not as tragic as the pout she wearing for not Diamond Supreme-ing. Sucks to be you, Mary Wilson.

“Victoria is hard on herself. She was sad,” Kim says. She wasn’t sad, she was pouting like a little brat. Way to learn good sportsmanship and make friends, liar, liar pants so totally on fire!

Diamond Supreme. What about Emerald Supreme? Jerks. Diamond Supreme? Morghan. Oh man, what a load of crap. Her mother interviews about her winning but does it with her arms crossed while looking pissed, so what the hell was that about? Then Morghan interviews in baby talk that is totally incoherent except for the peace sign and cha-ching she makes at the end of her “sentence.” God, that kid has problems. That white kid has problems, I mean.

Feng shui teaches us you shouldn’t have so much dead wood
in your relationship corner, if you catch my drift.

Darlene interviews that she thought Morghan deserved to win because she’s done this a lot and has had lots of practice. Which, as we know, is doing things over and over and over again. Lexie’s dad says he really enjoyed the pageant but Lexie says she’s so tired, her head just drops. Or it was just guillotined off, I’m not sure.

Victoria continues to pout and she begins to whine and luckily my recording cut off so I didn’t have to hear what whiney bitch-ass thing she decided to say. In your face, diva.

Keep up the great comments everyone – love hearing from you! Next week? National Gold Coast pageant. Here’s hoping the crazy continues.