Toddlers & Tiaras: The Crazy is So, So Satisfying!

Toddlers and Tiaras

By DearCrabby | Monday, August 31, 2009 | 5:30 pm | 84 Comments
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This week’s Toddlers & Tiaras is the “Beautiful Dolls” pageant in Lafayette, North Carolina and Gasmii, the crazy is BACK! We open this episode with Pageant Director Britney Barlow, a dead-ringer for brunette and bobbed Jodie Foster, telling us she started the pageant so that every child could leave the pageant “feeling like a winner.” Because that’s how real life is.

What the hell is wrong with people? When did losing become something bad as opposed to a “life lesson”? And when did telling your kids to shut the hell up when they are crying in Target become taboo? Sorry, that last one may have been a personal question to the two dumbass parents who looked like they had lost their will to live. Seriously, shut your kids up or I will, and I’ll do it by telling them I will kill Santa if they aren’t quiet.

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Next time I tell you to shut the f#ck up, you DO IT.

This pageant is extra-competitive with a whopping 44 contestants. How hard is it going to be to make everyone feel like a winner? Give them a dollar and let them loose in the dollar store – that’s all it takes me to feel good. It is a full-glitz pageant so we are back to beauty, swimsuit, and outfit of choice. Thank God no real talent has to be displayed after the guitar playing and singing of that poor sick kid last time.

“Everyone wants to win the Ultimate Grand Supreme,” she says, “because they all want the $500 cash prize.” And the sausage AND bacon. At least the $500 will offset, uh, the trip to the salon? Gas money to the pageant? Nothing?

In oddly named Hurricane, West Virginia, we meet Kailee Nutter who is five years old. She wants to win the Beautiful Dolls pageant and we find that out through captioning since she can’t speak clearly. Sara, her mother, says she’s a proud parent of Kailee as we see Kailee smart off and tell her mother she doesn’t need her help. I remember those days. Sara says they have been trying to get Kailee ready for the pageant for the past two weeks but it looks like perhaps they should consider expanding their practice time. I’m just saying…she sort of sucks.

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Well you need someone’s help cuz I can’t understand a damn thing coming out of your marble mouth.

Debbie, Kailee’s grandmother, interviews that pageants started for them when they found out Sara was going to have a daughter – meaning they began pageants when Kailee was just a bunch of cells. Also, Debbie is going to be the first person I put on my new brand new website, “Women Who Look Like the Men on that Website Called Men Who Look Like Old Lesbians dot com.” Seriously, I’m going to need to see sex test results on this “woman.”

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Claw hair does not a woman make.

“Kailee didn’t really know what was going on when she first started,” Sara tells us. “She was only four months old when she started.” Okay, she didn’t start pageants, YOU started them, let’s get that clear tout suite. She also didn’t know how to focus her eyes! “It wasn’t really her choice.” I’ve got news for you, it still isn’t her choice.

Over in Moncks Corner, South Carolina, a city with too many Cs in its name, we meet our runner up for Crazy Mom of the episode but our winner for deep-down diva child. Mother Elyse tells us her daughters Sterling and Paris (oh brother), “know what it takes to win.” It takes sleeping with the judges. Oh wait, that’s a little later in life.

Sterling is five and loves to take her big crown with the purpley-blue diamonds to show and tell. Well why not? It’s totally cool and huge! Also, if I were in that class, I would hate her. “I want to win the Beautiful Dolls pageant,” she says. Get in line, it’s beginning to be a long one. She’s only been doing pageants for a year. “When I win,” she says, “I feel grand!” I feel that way when I get home with a company pen in my bag.

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Crazy Mom Runner Up! CONGRATS! You’re almost a winner at something!

Paris, age 3, began at age two and she has won two grand supreme titles in her one year of competing. Methinks I see sibling rivalry tearing these two apart – and I call dibs on that reality show recap! Sterling and Paris seem to have some token brothers in the family but I doubt the boys compete in pageants because they probably don’t like the hairpieces.

Quentin is Paris and Sterling’s dad says, “As long as they’re into pageants, I’m into pageants too.” He says this with the enthusiasm of a zucchini. I’m guessing the dad would rather spend that money on the 1,400 NFL channels DirecTV is always trying to talk me into each fall. Next year try 1,400 HGTV channels, morons, and I might sign up.

In Leland, North Carolina, we meet our batshit crazy mom of the episode and the daughter that clearly does not enjoy pageants – JACKPOT! Skylar is four years old and she complements Quentin on the zucchini-related personality and enthusiasm for pageants. She says she loves being onstage, but you’ll see throughout this whole episode her face tells a completely different story, and it’s one where she NEVER goes to a pageant again if she can help it.

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Look at this crown! Where do I sign up?

Skylar’s mom Kimberly is going through all of Skylar’s crowns for us…and to be honest, kid does gave a ton of them so she must be doing something right. Kimberly says she got Skylar involved with pageants because people on the street used to tell her how cute Skylar was. Who ever tells a person their kid is ugly, though? Then the truth comes out: Kimberly used to do pageants so she thought they would be fun for Sklyar. Trust me, they aren’t! And I hope you notice that when you watch this episode. Clue: watch your child’s face throughout this entire show!

Kimberly starts us off with a little at-home grooming – the Sham-Brow makes a triumphant return this season. “If Skylar doesn’t win, I can’t say I’ll be elated, of course I will not,” she says, smiling creepily, “I want her to win. But if she doesn’t, I don’t want her to pick up on my disappointment.” She totally will because you’re kind of a freak.

Kimberly says she doesn’t like unibrows and finds it easier just to maintain Skylar’s eyebrows all along. “They are…what do they call it?” she rolls her eyes back as though she’s trying to find the information in the Dewey decimal system of her mind, “the vision…the opening to the soul,” she finally and confusingly finishes. Yes, the eyebrows are the opening to the soul which is why Satan is always stealing them!

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This acid will only burn a little while it works it’s magic.

She puts lotion on Skylar’s eyebrows, Sham-Brows them, says, “It’s not a big deal to her to have them done,” as Skylar looks like she’s being filleted. Why don’t you just do this when she’s asleep? Skylar gets off the bed and looks humiliated. Amen, sister.

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Poor thing’s gonna have back problems.

Back in Hurricane, Kailee is being asked the big decision of what she wants to wear this weekend. She wants the pink one and I cannot disagree. She says the best thing about pageants is the fancy clothes and once again – no disagreement. She calls her rhinestones diamonds, and her mother says, “If I could change one thing about the pageants it would be the cost.” No one is forcing you to compete, sweetheart.

“The economy is not that great these days,” she says like The Economist is on her bedside table. “We probably spend six, seven, eight, nine thousand dollars are year on pageants,” she says. When she said this I once again gasped so loudly I woke the dogs up, and that is not an easy thing to do in my house. Perhaps they felt the change of barometric pressure when I did that and thought a storm was coming. Am I out of line for thinking that is ridiculous? That is a 401(k) investment, college investment, house investment…for that kind of money, your kid could be fluent in Spanish or Chinese within a year or two, and that won’t evaporate or get saggy when she turns 50.

Between the $130 entry fee and the gas, hotel, etc. this weekend is going to cost them about $600-700. I also did the math and 44 entrants x $130 is $5,720, minus the $500 prize money, the cost of crowns, sashes, and the conference room, I’m not sure our Jodie Foster impersonator is breaking even. Hope she has a day job – impersonating Jodie Foster! “You can’t put a price on something your kid loves to do,” Sara says. I could, and it’s six, seven, eight, nine thousand dollars a year. Flushing it would be less stressful.

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Dressing your child like a tiny hooker is expensive.

“My mom and dad help out a lot,” she says, bilking them in advance for her inheritance, “and I have a cousin who makes her dresses. For things like hair and makeup, I can do that.” Well, as long as she’s fiscally not at all involved, I guess we’re good.

Back in Moncks Corner, Elyse tells us she uses “magic hair” on Sterling and Paris which is just fancy talk for “wigs and hairpieces from dead Chinese prisoners.” Elyse says, “I’m a strong fan of anything that can enhance your beauty,” she says. Then become a fan of barrettes and get your hair out of your face. Paris puts a wig on a trophy and honestly, I cannot think of a better symbol for this show, can you?

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That trophy is way too fat to be in pageants.

“Do what you gotta do to be beautiful,” Elyse says. Yes, as long as that it is something external, just remember that part.

Back at Sklyar’s House of Disinterest, Kimberly tells us there are a lot of things Skylar enjoys about pageants. Unfortunately, none of those actually exist and it’s really MOM who enjoys everything about the pageants. “She likes getting all dicked out,” Kimberly says. Wait – I think she said “decked out,” my bad. “She’s a girly-girl, so the make up’s fun, the hair, all of the neat outfits,” and yet Skylar really doesn’t seem to be enjoying any of this.

“For this weekend, Skylar’s casual wear is a cop-theme,” because who doesn’t like to wrap their casual attire around law enforcement clothes? Sklyar comes out of the bathroom in a black outfit bedazzled with rhinestones that is supposed to look like a cop uniform only slutty. Sluttier. It even has handcuffs and I’m pretty sure this costume is available for big girls around Halloween since it’s acceptable for conservative women to look like whores around October 31. Passover, too, I’ve heard.

“Pageantry is very competitive and I do want my child to stand out,” Kimberly says. How does she manage that? By having her daughter make fun of cops. On the back of Skylar’s outfit is a sign, “Bad Cop No Donut.” I don’t even know where to go with this. Actually, I do. First of all, way to stereotype. Second, you’d better hope that at a SOUTHERN pageant there isn’t a judge with a cop in the family. Third, enjoy having your home broken into while you are at the pageant and having no cops appear when you return home and call 911. Dumbass.

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Good pageant girl, still no donut. Life is so unfair.

She tells Skylar to shake, so Skylar put her hands on her hips and begins to shake. “Shake hard!” Kimberly says. Jesus H. Christ, is there no end to the pageant mom psychosis? “Skylar certainly doesn’t know what the ‘No Donuts’ means and the association that some people have…with donuts…and cops,” she says. Yeah, well, the cops get it and they hate you and I hope the judges do too. When Skylar shakes her booty, the handcuffs flap. Super sexy awesome!

“She thought it was funny that she had something about donuts on her outfit, but hopefully people in the audience will make the association and will think it’s funny and cute AND THE JUDGES.” Oh, I’m sorry. Was she being too subtle?

See, here’s the thing. There is this stereotype, see, and it’s about cops always being at a donut shop, and how they are overweight and always eating donuts and drinking coffee instead of chasing the bad guys. I wasn’t sure if you all could make the association she spoke of over and over and over and over again so I thought I would draw you a map to help out. Did it help? Did you see the association? Between cops? The fat? The increase in crime because cops are fat and at the donut shop? I bet Kimberly could show you proof via a theorem.

CHRIST!

Back in South Carolina, FedEx has stopped by with Sterling’s flipper. “She definitely cannot go onstage with a missing tooth,” Elyse says, “that won’t…sit well…with the judges.” Yes, because if there is one thing the judges hate, it is evidence that the girls are growing up and won’t be jailbait much longer.

“The smile has to be flawless or you don’t even have a chance,” Elyse says. Elyse needs to get out more. “My biggest fear is that it will fall out onstage,” she continues, “and I will be totally devastated.” Yes, that sounds like a devastating occurrence, what with your daughter still alive but humiliated at a pageant of 44 girls who cannot pee without dribbling.

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We’re shaving your nose and stapling your ears down in the morning, so get some rest.

Back in North Carolina, Kimberly interviews that she likes Skylar to practice everyday before a pageant, that way she’s not crunched at the end, instead she is crunched every single day of her life. They are practicing a routine and Skylar is all over the place. Mom seems to have it down, though, go figure. They are practicing at a gym but there is no coach, which begs the question why leave home to practice?

“Yes, I do take pageants seriously,” Kimberly says, as though we’ve been in a coma the whole episode and haven’t picked up on the fanaticism. “Because it’s a lot of time, effort, and preparation, and money.” The important thing is your daughter is totally not into it. We see Skylar practicing and her mother says, “That was boring,” and makes some sort of gesture that makes me think she wants Skylar to steal second base.

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And I’m going to need you to bunt in the 7th.

“If you are going to look at them as a joke, it’s just ridiculous to put that much effort into them,” she says. What if we think you’re the joke? She says she has to “give it her all” to prepare her daughter so they don’t go into a pageant unprepared. At the gym, she tells her daughter that the performance was “lackluster,” which all children hear as “eat your mustard.” Moron.

Over in West Virginia, Sara says she doesn’t see preparing for a pageant any different from preparing for another type of competition. Yes, getting your nails done is the same as running cross country every day, learning French, and rehearsing for a play. It all requires the same amount of dedication, skill, and practice except it totally doesn’t!. She says, “You wouldn’t send your kid onto a sports field without the proper protective equipment.” Yes, well a protective cup will make sure future generations don’t die with a swift hit of a baseball bat, I doubt fake nails can say the same.

In South Carolina Elyse tells us that they go shoe shopping as a family, “But Quentin pays.” Thanks Elyse, I haven’t had a vacation in awhile and that trip to the 1950s was fun! “Shoes are very important at pageants. You have to have the right shoes for the outfit or the outfit is nothing,” she says. And don’t forget the smile because without a flawless smile you have nothing. You know, you really have nothing at these pageants without everything being perfect which is a very achievable goal in real life.

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Okay, I think this is actually the 1960s, but I would travel

back in time to have him buy me shoes. In fact, I’m moving him up on my

List of Five. Thank God I didn’t laminate that list.

Back at Chez Crazy, Kimberly asks Skylar to say grace over what I believe is pizza. “My husband, Brett…I would not call him a big supporter of pageants,” Kimberly says. “He’s not a pageant dad.” He asks Skylar about her day and she won’t answer him. Brett interviews that early on he went to some of the pageants and “some of the things I saw kind of concerned me,” he says. So he’s the brains of the family. One of those concerns was whether or not the mothers were doing it for their daughters “or doing it for themselves.” Oo-oo, was that a coded message to a certain someone, Kimberly?

“I know this sounds mean and bad and I don’t mean it to be,” he begins, “but a lot of the times it seems as if the mothers are (takes in a breath) extremely overweight and not very healthy.” OH MY GOD he is my favorite. Have you considered a career in recapping, Brett?

He “verbalized” that he wasn’t very “pro-pageant” early on, “and I think that actually hurt Skylar’s feelings and caused some problems,” which translated means “my wife was pissed and wouldn’t have sex with me, so I gave in and let her do this just for that anniversary sex.” Poor bastard.

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You won’t be getting any of that once she sees this, but thanks for this segment, cuz it was amazing.

Now it’s time for Sterling and Paris to practice, which includes Elyse telling them to be sassy, sassy, and more sassy, then telling them to “hose the judges” as Sterling pretends she has a hose and is spraying the judges. WTF? Is there going to be a wet t-shirt contest too? She has to practice with Paris more because she’s young and stupid.

“I wouldn’t push my kids to do pageants if they didn’t want to do it,” she says, just another huge lie pageant moms tell them to validate their empty lives and the fact they have to live vicariously through a three year old.

Pageant day! Pageant Director Jodie Foster clichés that people are in it to win it, “Whether they are from North Carolina, or West Virginia, or Florida, or wherever,” because she’s too lazy to remember any more southern states. Does she have allergies, because she’s awfully nasal. That or she’s just bored.

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Make more movies.

Sara interviews that the morning has been stressful because they’ve had to roll Kailee’s hair. Please, dear God, give me these people’s problems. They are trying to keep her in a good mood until the pageant starts. And then she can be a bitch on wheels? Is this really fun for anyone? When they are finished Kailee wants to run down the hall. “Pageant girls don’t run in their dresses,” Sara tells her, but they do put out in high school, she forgets to add.

Elyse tells us she woke up at 6:30 in the morning which is like sleeping in for me so I don’t want to hear her martyr story, and now is attempting to get eyelashes on one of her divas. They have hired a professional makeup artist to make sure the girls are as glamorous as they can be. Paris and Sterling’s family and friends are all wearing t-shirts supporting them and I guess it is kind of cool that the family does this. I guess.

Skylar, on the other hand, has two people working on her for hair and makeup, as well as make her clothes including the hideous cop costume she’ll be sporting today. “It’s a major transformation,” Kimberly says. So was the burning of Rome. Now here comes the real crazy…

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“I got up at 6:30 this morning,” Kimberly says, then sips a Red Bull. It shows her bugging her eyes out as she dresses Skylar. “I’m extremely nervous,” she interviews, looking at her watch, twitching, pulling her hair back into a ponytail, telling her daughter how hot she looks, then grabbing a water and complaining about not being able to practice at all because they’ve been so busy trying to come down off the Red Bull high. Skylar looks very bored, detached, and confused. Red Bull did not give her wings.

“Skylar is not nervous at all and she’s very happy pageant day is here,” Kimberly lies, telling us how she really feels with no consideration for her daughter who clearly would rather be at home digesting Nickelodeon and Boo-Berry.

Here’s Elyse and family in a prayer circle. Oh brother. “Heavenly Father, we axe that you guide my girls onstage today and help them bring home the biggest crown ever,” she prays. Because the good Lord has NOTHING BETTER TO DO what with all the war, famine, and other messes we’ve managed to get ourselves into, than to make sure your daughters win the Grand Supreme Deluxe, hold the Satan. I have absolutely no tolerance…well, for anything, really…but in particular when people invoke the name of the Lord to get them something. If that worked, I would have won MegaMillions on Friday and would not have to wake up before 6:30 in the morning ever again! AMEN.

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Dear Lord, Please help our daughter to value physical beauty over anything else. Thanks.

Elyse and her entourage are waiting at the elevator when crisis hits – fingernails are missing! A three year old is missing fake fingernails? The first place I’d look is up her nose. When they get back to the room double-crisis! Sterling is missing nails too. Oh, dear Lord, why have you forsaken this family when all we wanted were crowns and glory greater than yours? WHY? They prefer their crowns with rhinestones, not thorns, just FYI.

Pageant time! Here’s the best part – 44 contestants and most of them look like they are freaking out. Let’s count…seven kids are freaking out, although 3 may be the same girl in the hot pink dress. I’m pretty sure I was behind her in the checkout the other day.

Jodie Foster gives us the bullshit line on having the “total package” but once again, the girls are being judged on their beauty because if they were judged on their total package, they’d all lose since they all pretty much act like bridezillas offstage.

Paris is up first but is throwing a fit that she has to go second. Here’s the weird thing, all the girls in her group seem to go onstage alone, but Elyse goes up with her. Elyse, next time consider something other than an oversized t-shirt, leggings, and gym shoes. You look like a hot mess. Paris is running around like she forgot her Ritalin today although she does know how to work the smile. The only problem? Her mother has to drag her offstage. Seriously, her mother goes to walk off the stage and Paris pulls her back, tries to wiggle out of her grip, and throws a bloody fit when Elyse grabs her and carries her off.

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There’s your whole package, judges.

Next up? Sterling. She’s cute but not as cute as Paris, to be honest. “She has what it takes,” her mother says. Meh, maybe. At least her family likes her. Or they are really good at faking.

Over at batshit crazy central, Skylar is begging her mother to go onstage with her. Kimberly is all like, “look at them, they’re all going up on their own!” but Skylar is having none of it. The kid is scared. Clearly this kid does not want to do this. Kimberly is trying to get her focused, but geez. When her name is called, Kimberly shoves her onstage and Skylar smiles like a trained poodle. Arf.

“During beauty, I could tell from the first that she was off some,” Kimberly says. Ya think??? “Panic sets in,” she says. HOW THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOUR KID FEELS? Skylar starts to look scared, is nervous about hitting her mark, and Kimberly begins to make the face that I do when I have to wear my mouth guard at night – duckface! Except she’s on camera in front of a national audience and I only have to face my dogs.

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“From Skylar’s beauty, we are going to have to do really well on outfit of choice,” Kimberly laments. Well, the important thing is your daughter will look like a stripper and will insult police everywhere during that segment of the competition, so I think you’re a shoo-in for Double Dip Supreme with Sprinkles. See how I changed it to an ice cream prize? I’m all about the food.

“I think beauty is really important,” Sara interviews, clearly oblivious to the fact they are called BEAUTY pageants. Kailee is up and she’s cute. She seems a little stiff onstage and she’s not as glam as the other girls. Plus, she’s wearing her own hair and you know what that means…yawn! She’s pretty boring compared to others we’ve seen, but her face is cute.

Next up? Outfit of choice. More “Walk of the Baby Elephant” music. I love you, TLC. Kimberly starts pontificating about Skylar’s police outfit that has a lot of bling and “humor” as she reminds us with the “Bad cop/No donuts” things. She is really proud of herself for that, isn’t she? Enjoy getting mugged in your front yard, Kimberly.

Jodie Foster interviews that outfit of choice “shows the girls’ personalities” and by “girls’” she means “the moms’ ” personalities. “A lot of girls will come out and shake their hips and do certain moves,” she says. So do hookers trying to grab a john’s attention. Oh! There’s kid number 8 throwing herself on the floor.

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She will be as long as you don’t f this up. Otherwise, you’re out of the house.

Paris is up in a sailor outfit and Elyse is right behind her because really, it’s about her. She directs her too loudly and to be honest, I’d take points off for Elyse being there. Paris does work it and Sterling looks a little jealous. Sterling is up next. “I like my fire chief outfit because I think it’s sexy,” she says. Or she says “sassy,” I can’t really tell, although “sassy” would make more sense coming from a five year old. So I’m not sure which she said. I’m especially confused when she pretends to hose down the judges. One sentence you should never hear a mother say to her five year old daughter? “Hose ‘em down, baby!” Don’t be surprised when she’s hosing down people for a living. Then she purses her lips and blows. Nice touch.

Sirens! You know what that means. “We don’t have to do our whole routine,” Kimberly says, “we’ll just do our Xs and twist.” It’s not “our” routine, Kimberly, it’s Skylar’s and she sure as hell doesn’t want to do it. Oh, good, Skylar has a baton to twirl around. “Flick our keys!” Kimberly says, flicking near her nipple. Is Skylar wearing pasties with tassles? “Hold out your cuffs, or something,” she says. I think Kimberly has plans for this costume later. Poor Brett.

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Mother of God, this is wrong on so many levels.

Skylar is up next. She works it like a stripper….shakes her hips and ass, points her baton at people like a gun, and wiggles all over the stage. It’s pretty sick. “I know people think I’m just crazy when I’m doing my routines,” she says, catching herself and correcting, “Skylar’s routines, they ain’t mine,” she laughs are her total and complete Freudian slip. Because sometimes a police baton is a just a vibrator. Skylar is so into her routine she tosses her arms aside and the baton goes flying. Does she know Stacy from last season? Duck!

Kimberly continues doing the WHOLE routine and I’m surprised she doesn’t take someone’s eye out. She’s flailing all over the place, gets down into not-even-close-to-being-splits, makes the weirdest faces, and I’m hoping she takes some ludes for the way home because she is just TOO HOPPED UP. The splits Skylar does at the end of the routine are a nice touch for the pedophiles in the audience.

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Somewhere, somehow, someone is turned on by this.

“Skylar did great during her cop routine, and that helped put us back in the game,” she says. Don’t be surprised if your car has a pricey ticket on the window and a boot on the wheel when you get out to the parking lot later. The cops could help you, but you know, they’re eating DONUTS.

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Oh, the humanity!

Oh yikes, Kailee is doing a rocker routine and she’s wearing a chartreuse green dominatrix top. She’s shaking her hips and sticking out her belly the way no little kid should. Put your leg down, no one needs to see that! She loves being a rocker and I love not having to watch this too long. Her mother cried a little during her routine. Probably because she realizes she spent $9,000 this year and all she has to show for it is a half-naked child on her way to becoming Courtney Love without the “talent.”

Crowning time! With 44 girls and everyone getting an award, this should be painless. One of the judges said, “There was a lot of girls and a lot of competition, so I’se anxious to see who gonna win.” Well, I can tell you grammar has lost completely.

Kailee begins to bitch about the smaller crowns and how she really wants a big one. Elyse says she’s biting her nails. Or she’s biting the nails she found on the floor when they fell off her kids’ hands. Jodie Foster tells us that if you haven’t been called for one of the hundreds of awards they give out in the first round you are still eligible for the super supreme crown. I am scared that these rules are starting to makes sense.

All the kids have to be onstage. Mini-Miss Group B (seriously? Group B?), the announcer says, “Best Model,” and Paris raises her hand. Yeah, you have to WAIT for your name to be called. And it’s not – it’s someone else. Why is her mother the only one up there with the other three girls? And why is one of the girls so large she looks like a tub of Chubb? Elyse smacks Paris’s hand down. First runner up? Not Paris. PUT YOUR HAND DOWN. Tub-o-Chubb gets this one. Mini-Miss Group B Queen (how specific! How special!), PARIS! She wins! Which means she loses the higher crown! Sterling is pissed at her sister winning. “I’m gonna win queen too,” she says. Shut up, you brat.

Tiny-Miss Group A…Most Beautiful? Sterling. Model winner? Sterling. Best Dressed? Sterling. Prettiest Hair? Sterling. (Shouldn’t that be “Prettiest Magic Hair”?). Kimberly is pissed but says that Sterling does have stage presence. Plus, she actually LIKES being there, unlike Skylar. “I’m wondering if Skylar is going to place in her group, win her group, or win anything…” I’m thinking no because it was pretty clear she didn’t want to be there and by definition does not have “the whole package.” Tiny Miss Group A Queen? Not our gals. Which of course means they may go on to win the top award.

“OMG! O-M-G!” Elyse says/spells. She knows what this means…losing could mean winning! Let’s see how Sterling is handling this great news. “I was thinking in my mind I would win Queen,” she bitches. Her mother tries to explain how losing means winning and not getting a prize now means a bigger prize at the end, but Sterling is having none of it. Truth is, you know she thinks her little sister beat her in the competition because she won queen and that’s all she can focus on.

Sterling starts to cry and Paris “is having a panic attack” according to her mother. I would just call it a temper tantrum. She has to take them both out of the pageant room. So that’s eight and nine, then the editors show us kids ten and eleven that have reached their breaking point. So we’re at about 25% nervous breakdown on contestants right now.

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OH THEY BETTER CALL MY DAMN NAME, BIATCH!

Tiny Miss Group B contestants are up. Prettiest smile? Not Kailee. Prettiest eyes? Kailee! Queen? Kailee! I’m sort of surprised on this one, but I didn’t see how the other girls performed. Kailee is pissed because she got the small crown not the big crown. That will be a great story when you are working at the local soft serve shack in a few years. Sara is happy with that. For $9,000 a year, she really needs to aim a little higher, don’t you think? Seems like $4,000 could get you a small crown.

Sterling is throwing a fit about not winning queen and I want to smack this kid into next week. They go back into the pageant room for supreme deep dish crowning. First up, Novice Supreme…and it’s Sterling! She finally gets what she wants just like life is totally NOT going to be, and now she’s all smiles and giggles. Brat. Elyse is thrilled. Sterling screams, “I WON!” Whatever, you little monster. Your hormonal teen years are going to be a freakin’ nightmare if this is any indication of your mood swings.

Mini Supremes next. Four to nine age group…the winner is…Skylar! WTF? Skylar interviews something unintelligible but you can tell her mother is thrilled. I am totally shocked Skylar won, I thought she was like driftwood onstage, but maybe her mother is right – the cop uniform sealed the deal. “Yay!” Kimberly says. You know she’ll be wearing the crown home when she pulls it off of Skylar’s sleeping head. Ultimate Grand Supreme $500 cash winner is…some three year old who was totally not glam. Are you kidding me?

200909011456

Where the hell did she come from, the lobby?

“I didn’t expect really much of anything,” Sara says, “not to say anything bad about Kailee, but I’ve learned not to expect things because you’ll never know how it will turn out.” WHAT? She WON a CROWN. What are you complaining about? I mean, I know the Ultimate Grand Supreme winner looks like some kid down at the playground who is eating sand, but…WHAT? I don’t even get your problem, lady, except that I could spend your $9,000 a year more wisely.

“Tonight I can get a good night’s rest,” Elyse sighs, “knowing that my little divas pulled it off.” And that they were such good sports and klassy about everything. Kimberly is “tired” and “happy.” She and Elyse hug. Elyse says they didn’t win any money this time, “But we won’t win until we get that cash!” Why not just pimp them out? So much faster and the cash is guaranteed.

Next week – looks like tons of drama and the replacement of some if not ALL judges at a pageant. They make it seem dramatic, but I’m guessing the judges all got drunk at the hotel bar during a break and can’t add up the scores. See you then!

A Food Network host wannabe and travel fanatic (only three more continents to go!) , Dear Crabby lived in Chicago for over 10 years before returning to her native Ohio. She loves black martinis, blue cheese burgers, and The Daily Show. A two-time Chicago marathon finisher, she heartily dislikes Smokey Smokersons, slow drivers in the passing lane, and noisy children, especially when they ruin a fine dining experience or a trip to Target. A nouveau spinster, Dear Crabby spends her free time with her Cocker Spaniels and often goes by the pseudonym “Mrs. Clooney.”

84 Comments

  1. 1
    pixielated
    Posted September 1, 2009 at 8:14 pm

    The reason cops got that donut reputation is that, back in the day, donut shops were the only places open 24 hours a day, so they had to go there if they worked nights. Now they have a wide array of fast food places to choose from–and Denny’s.

    What is the big deal about getting up at 6:30? Don’t most people get up that early to get to work or to get the kids to school? We used to get up at 4:30-5:00 at horse shows, dammit! We had to bathe the horses, do their hair, make-up…uh, does that sound familiar?

  2. 2
    theboberon
    Posted September 1, 2009 at 9:24 pm

    Kimberly has got to be on something stronger than redbull. My guess is Meth. These people are loons.

  3. 3
    badger
    Posted September 1, 2009 at 10:06 pm

    Ha, I was also convinced that Jodie Foster secretly runs pageants when she’s not making movies. And Skyler’s twitchy mother wasn’t exactly Toni Collette, but TC would play her in the movie. (Which I guess she kind of did.)

    Also, this weekend I met a kid named TRENTON. Which is not technically related to T&T, but it did make some of the crazy names/spellings thrown around on this show sound much better by comparison.

    Thanks for your wonderful recaps, as always, Crabby!

  4. 4
    dearcrabby
    Posted September 2, 2009 at 6:16 am

    Hey-special shout-out to Flipit for adding pictures this week. TLC is still not putting the full episodes up, but we love our readers enough to go that extra mile. Thanks Flipit!

  5. 5
    vaibanez02
    Posted September 2, 2009 at 7:55 am

    I realize that you have nothing better to do than right scathing reviews of this show and you get a kick out of writing how you think all these 3-7 year olds followed are going to grow up to be whores who pole dance for rent money; but you are dead wrong where it regards Kailee. Kailee was the first normal pageant kid this show has ever had. I didn’t feel that she was “garbled” when she spoke, just not loud enough for the cameras to pick up sometimes. Her rockwear routine was adorable. It was not a “dominatrix” top you dumbass, it was a two piece skirt/top with guitars all over it, you know to match her routine? Also she wore pants underneath, so it’s not like she was flashing her underwear at everybody. She was doing a gymnastics move called a spinning heel stretch, if you weren’t some fat old bitter hag sitting in an office somewhere writing reviews, you’d know what that was. Kailee also doesn’t “suck” considering she’s won high point at many pageants and has a national name. Yes, it is HER choice btw, we constantly ask her if she wants to keep doing them and she always says yes. Maybe I should compare this to football/baseball/basketball where the dads push their sons into it and don’t let them quit when they don’t want to do it anymore. A dad recently threw his 6 year old kid over a fence in Kentucky when he wanted to quit football. I should turn you in for suggesting that little girls will grow up to be whores because WHO ARE YOU to be writing any of that? In fact if you hop onto the voy.com board and go to the toddlers and tiaras page, everyone stated that Kailee was one of the cutest and most normal pageant kids they’ve seen on the show and that we were easily the most normal parents on the show. If you think her rockwear routine was slutty then don’t watch high school cheerleading on ESPN2 live from Orlando, because they are showing a lot more than Kailee’s pants. Maybe i should write a review of you: “Crazy cat lady writes another scathing review of a show she doesn’t understand. She writes about people she’s never met as if she’s known them for years based on how TLC pastes together unrelated clips. She thinks she knows everything and suddenly sees a light nobody has ever seen before about pageantry. She thinks the woman didn’t make money off the pageant(lol), when crowns only cost 2 dollars each from Hong Kong and Sashes are practically free. She has serious mental issues if she thinks pageants are harmful. Where does she think Miss Universe comes from? Does this woman seriously think that girls just wake up one day at 17 and say “i want to be Miss Universe”??????

  6. 6
    Yanksfan24
    Posted September 2, 2009 at 7:56 am

    I randomly watched this episode while being lazy so I am not familiar with pageant-y types. Wouldn’t you think for the money families spend on costumes, hotel rooms, makeup etc that the amount of cash they win would be…more than 500 bucks? Is there really any pay-off? Does the number of times you win go towards points at the end of the season like golf or NASCAR?

    These parents are creepy crazy, poor Skylar Speas, maybe the money she wins can go towards therapy when she learns how to speak correctly.

    Also, that little one who won the Grande Venti Supreme Deluxe whatever…her name was Alycesaundra huh? Poor thing.

    PS: Thanks for the Don Draper pic…love him, love Mad Men.

  7. 7
    Yanksfan24
    Posted September 2, 2009 at 7:58 am

    re: vaibanez02

    Um I rest my case.

  8. 8
    vaibanez02
    Posted September 2, 2009 at 8:09 am

    It’s amazing that everyone else knows what we should or shouldn’t spend money on. I love how everyone is a financial guru on here. Maybe you should stop writing reviews and start using that economy degree you got from Everest Institute. We make enough money to live comfortably and allow our daughter to do pageants. It’s not as if she’s skipping meals to pay for entry fees. Also, my daughter knows a lot of spanish because i’m mexican and have taught it to her you idiots. She’s doing great and it’s none of your business how we spend our money. Again, just like sports, the kids have to start early and learn all the way up before they can make the pros(in pageant’s case, modeling, miss usa, etc)…I still don’t get why people think it’s “harmful” to the child. Kailee is a normal kid who goes to the park, goes to school, plays with toys, etc. She’s not being “deprived” of other activities.

  9. 9
    vaibanez02
    Posted September 2, 2009 at 8:13 am

    To even call a piece like this “journalism” is a major stretch, and it is certainly not investigative journalism as she never provides a single fact about pageantry in her 7 page reviews. It begs the question, how many pageants have you actually been to where you were able to see an unbiased and completely unedited pageant from start to finish? My guess is zero.

  10. 10
    vaibanez02
    Posted September 2, 2009 at 8:18 am

    In fact, this review is so full of fluff with no facts, I have to wonder if the writer is Geraldo Rivera…

  11. 11
    vaibanez02
    Posted September 2, 2009 at 8:26 am

    Oh and I like how you conveniently leave out of your review the 5 minute clip where Kailee walks up to that girl and says “You’re really pretty. I hope you win like me.” and my wife talks about how Kailee makes a lot of friends at pageants. You are worse than TLC at skewing the actual footage to make people look bad, and ought to be ashamed of what you write. I’d LOVE for you to meet up with us and tell my daughter to her face that she should quit pageants because they’re “wrong”. She’d kick your ass and laugh at you.

  12. 12
    jaime sommers
    Posted September 2, 2009 at 8:36 am

    Holy defensive. DearCrabby, if I may:

    I realize that you have nothing better to do than right scathing reviews of this show
    ——————–
    Are you totally unfamiliar to what this whole site is ABOUT, fucktard?

    and you get a kick out of writing how you think all these 3-7 year olds followed are going to grow up to be whores who pole dance for rent money; but you are dead wrong where it regards Kailee.
    ———————

    Perhaps. But one may argue that you’ve condemned her to that fate anyway, because you have chosen the proud White Trash name, Kailee (with 2 EE’s! WOW you really set her apart!)

    Kailee was the first normal pageant kid this show has ever had.
    —————–
    This also could be true. Which is probably why it made all sane viewing audience members sad to see her tarted up like a prancing show dog

    Her rockwear routine was adorable. It was not a “dominatrix” top you dumbass, it was a two piece skirt/top with guitars all over it, you know to match her routine?
    ———————-
    Because it’s ADORABLE to flash your underaged child’s midriff to the cameras and the world. I’m sure it was tasteful and appropriate otherwise

    Also she wore pants underneath, so it’s not like she was flashing her underwear at everybody.
    ——————
    I don’t recollect anyone saying she was flashing her underwear

    She was doing a gymnastics move called a spinning heel stretch, if you weren’t some fat old bitter hag sitting in an office somewhere writing reviews, you’d know what that was.
    —————————
    Oh, I’m sure she knew what it was. Her point was, to pedophiles, it’s a dream come true. Surely you’re not so delusional as to not know the allure.

    Kailee also doesn’t “suck” considering she’s won high point at many pageants and has a national name. Yes, it is HER choice btw, we constantly ask her if she wants to keep doing them and she always says yes. Maybe I should compare this to football/baseball/basketball where the dads push their sons into it and don’t let them quit when they don’t want to do it anymore. A dad recently threw his 6 year old kid over a fence in Kentucky when he wanted to quit football.
    ——————–
    Oh come ON. The top athletes in their sports always talk about how even as kids they LOVED to play their sport. Yes I’m sure some of them were pushed, but most you couldn’t get the kid off the field. I’m not sure what your analogy of the man who threw his son over the fence is trying to prove. What, that you’re not AS crazy a parent?

    I should turn you in for suggesting that little girls will grow up to be whores because WHO ARE YOU to be writing any of that?
    ——————-
    Turn in? Where? To Whom? All of America (other than those pathetic attention whores who shill their children in pageants) has come to the conclusion that little girls who gain accolades and attention by pouting, wiggling, flirting, jutting out their hips, and being slathered in makeup and fake hair will naturally gravitate towards a profession where that behavior is also richly rewarded–prostitution and stripping. And you’re teaching those values at a critical age. It’s disgusting and wrong on so many levels.

    In fact if you hop onto the voy.com board and go to the toddlers and tiaras page, everyone stated that Kailee was one of the cutest and most normal pageant kids they’ve seen on the show and that we were easily the most normal parents on the show. If you think her rockwear routine was slutty then don’t watch high school cheerleading on ESPN2 live from Orlando, because they are showing a lot more than Kailee’s pants.
    ———————–
    You’re missing the irony here–those are teenagers. While still technically not adults legally, they have a little more free will than girls who are barely out of diapers. Bad example. In fact, it merely reinforces how in denial you are. Actually, most people I know find those cheerleading competitions pretty repulsive and annoying too by the way. Oh, except the guys I know in their 30s who admit that it gives them boners.

    Maybe i should write a review of you: “Crazy cat lady writes another scathing review of a show she doesn’t understand. She writes about people she’s never met as if she’s known them for years based on how TLC pastes together unrelated clips. She thinks she knows everything and suddenly sees a light nobody has ever seen before about pageantry.
    ———————-
    Again, are you familiar with TVGasm? What the fuck do you think they do here? And DearCrabby DOES inherently understand how repulsive pageants are. She’s merely tapping into that universal feeling of ickiness. And obviously, you weren’t paying attention anyway (did you even go to college?), because DearCrabby has DOGS anyway. So she’s the Crazy DOG lady to you, buddy.

    She thinks the woman didn’t make money off the pageant(lol), when crowns only cost 2 dollars each from Hong Kong and Sashes are practically free.
    ———————
    Oh, so the entry fees, hotel costs, costumes, hair, fake teeth, spray tanning, lessons are all FREE? Oh then you’re RIGHT, pageants are a TOTAL BARGAIN. We’ve been wrong!

    She has serious mental issues if she thinks pageants are harmful. Where does she think Miss Universe comes from? Does this woman seriously think that girls just wake up one day at 17 and say “i want to be Miss Universe”??????
    ———————
    Quick, tell me what the 4th runner-up of the Miss Universe pageant does now and if you’ve ever heard of her. (crickets). Plus you better move to Venezuela if you want to do well there sweetheart. Oh, and have an “in” with Mr. Trump, because I don’t know if you read the papers, or news of any kind, but they just reported that the Miss Universe pageant is totally FIXED. But way to have a career goal for a girl still TOTALLY based on looks–way to keep it consistent at least.

    In sum, you have successfully proven everything that is demented, tragic, and imbecilic about pageants and “pageant people”

  13. 13
    cattyfan
    Posted September 2, 2009 at 8:36 am

    I’m only on page one, but had to comment on how doomed from birth some children are.

    Kailee (bizarre spelling) Nutter (’nuff said.)

    Doomed, I tell ya. Doomed.

  14. 14
    vaibanez02
    Posted September 2, 2009 at 8:51 am

    @Jaime…seriously if you don’t like pageants don’t watch them. So according to you, it’s ok to put kids in sports because they love them, but there’s no way a girl can love pageants because YOU say so. This review was stripped of all the “good” moments of the show such as Kailee stating she loves making friends and telling that other girl she hopes she wins and is pretty. As for pedophiles watching the show, that’s not my fault that is the fault of TLC for showing the show. As long as TLC shows this show, then that will happen. I’m sure criminals watch Law and Order and CSI trying to find new ways to get away with crimes too. Criminals also probably watch a lot of truTV, especially forensic files because they basically tell you how to get away with crimes by figuring out what got others caught. No problems with that stuff huh? My whole point was that you can’t just wake up one day at 17 and say “i want to be in the NFL” and likewise you probably can’t just do that if you want to be Miss America, Miss USA or a model…again anyone who says my daughter should not be in pageants, i’d like to see you come here and tell my daughter to her face that she has to quit b/c they’re wrong. Anyone who does that would be a heartless bitch

  15. 15
    dearcrabby
    Posted September 2, 2009 at 9:18 am

    A “fat old bitter hag”? I’m not fat! :)

    Keep the snark coming, this was hilarious!

  16. 16
    jaime sommers
    Posted September 2, 2009 at 9:18 am

    vaibanez02:
    @Jaime…seriously if you don’t like pageants don’t watch them. So according to you, it’s ok to put kids in sports because they love them, but there’s no way a girl can love pageants because YOU say so. This review was stripped of all the “good” moments of the show such as Kailee stating she loves making friends and telling that other girl she hopes she wins and is pretty. As for pedophiles watching the show, that’s not my fault that is the fault of TLC for showing the show. As long as TLC shows this show, then that will happen. I’m sure criminals watch Law and Order and CSI trying to find new ways to get away with crimes too. Criminals also probably watch a lot of truTV, especially forensic files because they basically tell you how to get away with crimes by figuring out what got others caught. No problems with that stuff huh? My whole point was that you can’t just wake up one day at 17 and say “i want to be in the NFL” and likewise you probably can’t just do that if you want to be Miss America, Miss USA or a model…again anyone who says my daughter should not be in pageants, i’d like to see you come here and tell my daughter to her face that she has to quit b/c they’re wrong. Anyone who does that would be a heartless bitch
    ————
    I don’t watch them. For all the reasons I highlighted, mainly being that I squirm with disgust when I see them. I read this website, because it’s entertaining. Hopefully you have comprehended by now that this isn’t “journalism”, although one could argue it is excellent social commentary.

    You bring up examples of criminals using fictional and non fictional shows to get ideas. I’m on the other hand bringing up the fact that you voluntarily elected to have your child parading around half naked for millions of viewers–TLC did this with your permission. Surely you had to sign a release. You’re the adult. You made that choice. CSI features adult ACTORS. Televised child pageants on the TLC show feature prancing, exposed CHILDREN. More specifically, YOUR child. But hey, you have every right to pimp out your child for reflected glory. This is America. I also have the right to concur with sane society that it’s repulsive and lame.

    And again, do you have aspirations for your daughter other than one based solely on her looks– being a pageant contestant or a–sorry I’m cracking up here–a MODEL? In your view, is that what you’re helping your daughter prepare for? Ask how many exotic dancers had the same goal, because they were never valued for anything beyond being visually pleasing and coy. Especially by their dads.

    One last thing–I would never say to your daughter don’t compete in pageants. As a responsible parent, that’s your job. And if caring about the future of a little girl I have never met before makes me a heartless bitch, then guilty as charged, fucker.

  17. 17
    cattyfan
    Posted September 2, 2009 at 9:24 am

    So…I finished reading the (as always, excellent) recap, and then I started checking the comments.

    vaibanez02 says, “As for pedophiles watching the show, that’s not my fault that is the fault of TLC for showing the show. As long as TLC shows this show, then that will happen.”

    And as long as people like you continue to dress your children like tiny cheap hookers and teach them to practice their pole dancing moves and wiggle their ass, the pedophiles will get off on it.

    Stop living your weird fantasies vicariously through your poor daughter, and we’ll stop ridiculing you.

  18. 18
    vaibanez02
    Posted September 2, 2009 at 9:34 am

    Dakota Fanning was raped in the movie hounddog…i’m sure pedophiles would rather watch that than PART of my daughter’s stomach. It amazes me that you got HALF naked out of my daughters rockwear outfit. She was wearing sleeves, a top, a skirt and pants, socks and shoes…stop me when i get to the part where HALF her body was exposed for pedophiles to see.

    You are just skewing facts to support an argument that doesn’t exist. Of course we have expectations for our daughter that aren’t based on her looks but if she ever wants to grow up to be a model, this is great experience on stage in front of people. She is in the gifted program at school and has twice as much homework as the other kids. I am teaching her guitar and my wife is teaching her the flute. She was the only kid going into her kindergarten class who could write her name, read and do simple math problems. She has been able to tie her shoes since she was 3 years old. Seriously though, if someone actually told my daughter to her face that she should quit pageants because they think they are wrong, then that makes you one seriously heartless person.

  19. 19
    vaibanez02
    Posted September 2, 2009 at 9:36 am

    @cattyfan…stop living what weird fantasies through my daughter? Why does it have to be about us? It’s not as if we’re living through her like baseball dads trying to get back the “glory days”. Until Kailee says she wants to quit, we’ll keep allowing her to do something she LOVES to do thank you very much.

  20. 20
    jaime sommeers
    Posted September 2, 2009 at 9:50 am

    vaibanez02:
    Dakota Fanning was raped in the movie hounddog…i’m sure pedophiles would rather watch that than PART of my daughter’s stomach. It amazes me that you got HALF naked out of my daughters rockwear outfit. She was wearing sleeves, a top, a skirt and pants, socks and shoes…stop me when i get to the part where HALF her body was exposed for pedophiles to see.

    You are just skewing facts to support an argument that doesn’t exist. Of course we have expectations for our daughter that aren’t based on her looks but if she ever wants to grow up to be a model, this is great experience on stage in front of people. She is in the gifted program at school and has twice as much homework as the other kids. I am teaching her guitar and my wife is teaching her the flute. She was the only kid going into her kindergarten class who could write her name, read and do simple math problems. She has been able to tie her shoes since she was 3 years old. Seriously though, if someone actually told my daughter to her face that she should quit pageants because they think they are wrong, then that makes you one seriously heartless person.
    ————————
    Sigh. No one is advocating saying in your daughter’s face that pageants are wrong and she should quit. If that’s what you find acceptable to do to your child, then so be it.

    And bringing up examples of things that are “worse” than the exposure you allow for your child in pageants doesn’t mean that little girls aren’t being sexualized in pageants. It’s not just the outfits themselves. That’s a common argument I hear from pageant supporters. “They don’t wear anything less than they do at the beach!” Well. Yeah. They don’t wiggle and wink and blow kisses at grown adults like strippers at the beach either. Come on. You seriously don’t notice that aspect in pageants?

    If you are thinking this will prepare her for a “modeling” career (although I can’t name any models who started by doing pageants and not commercials), then fine, you owned up to that. And if she has other interests being encouraged, fine.

  21. 21
    J-Mo J-Mo`
    Posted September 2, 2009 at 9:50 am

    Dear DearCrabby: How dare you write an excellent recap and poke fun at a silly reality TV show? You must not know much of anything about anything to make such highly-entertaining observations about people that you only know from their willingess to pimp themselves (and their helpless children) out on TV. I am very upset with you that you made me laugh like crazy at the image of these poor deluded people shoving their kids about on stage and further having the fantasy that “everybody wins” be reinforced. You should be ashamed of yourself, because this shit was way funnier than anything that happened on Top Chef this week. Damn you! DAMN YOU TO HELL!!!!

    In all seriousness, you go, girl! I’m behind you 100%, pageantry should really belong to teens and adults, the little kids should be kept out of it until they’re of an age where they can, you know, actually DO something talented… and maybe form an opinion of their own (outside of Mommy and Daddy’s).

    And before anybody tries to attack my pageant creds, I am a longtime supporter and fan (and dancer/choreographer) for some of the fiercest pageants in all of the land… DRAG QUEEN PAGEANTS.

    love, J-Mo :)

  22. 22
    dearcrabby
    Posted September 2, 2009 at 9:58 am

    J-Mo, did I ever tell you you’re my hero? You’re also the wind beneath my wings and the parmesan on my popcorn. Hugs all around :)

  23. 23
    vaibanez02
    Posted September 2, 2009 at 10:00 am

    1)it amazes me that DearCrabby would think this lady didn’t break even considering the door admissions, entry fees, overalls and other things people spent money on at her pageant, she easily made over $10,000 and that’s why people get into the pageant business.

    2)We never “pimped” ourselves out on TV or our “Helpless” child. I should post the footage i taped of us behind the scenes of this show. The TLC Interviewer’s name was michael, he interviewed us for everything they showed. Kailee was playing with him and even put makeup on him. The head camera lady gave Kailee this toy iguana that she said she’d had since she was 10 because “you’re the cutest little girl we’ve ever taped”.

    3)We don’t advocate what others do during the pageants, but we keep our routines clean and fun. We don’t have her crawling around on stage in half a costume or pretending to dry hump parts of the stage. Her routines are always basic and gymnastic in nature with nothing more than cartwheels and heel stretches.

    4)The thing DearCrabby said that proves she is a complete moron is when she stated that Courtney Love has talent. Yes, she has talent to steal Kurt Cobain’s songs after he died(Malibu, Old Age). My daughter loves rock, she loves classic rock and to be honest would rather be a musician than anything right now and that’s what i’m helping her try to be.

    5)Justin Timberlake started in pageantry, but I guess because he is a guy, that will be somehow different when someone comments on this post.

  24. 24
    shantigal
    Posted September 2, 2009 at 10:18 am

    Crabby, you are so lucky to have a concerned parent comment on your journalistic review of T&T’s.

    This is one of the BEST. READS. EVER. on TVGasm. Keep it coming, overly defensive, inacurately analogizing, desperately justifying dad. I’m lovin’ it.

    Oh- and Sterling’s aqua blue dress was killer!

  25. 25
    jaime sommers
    Posted September 2, 2009 at 10:19 am

    vaibanez02:
    1)it amazes me that DearCrabby would think this lady didn’t break even considering the door admissions, entry fees, overalls and other things people spent money on at her pageant, she easily made over $10,000 and that’s why people get into the pageant business.

    2)We never “pimped” ourselves out on TV or our “Helpless” child. I should post the footage i taped of us behind the scenes of this show. The TLC Interviewer’s name was michael, he interviewed us for everything they showed. Kailee was playing with him and even put makeup on him. The head camera lady gave Kailee this toy iguana that she said she’d had since she was 10 because “you’re the cutest little girl we’ve ever taped”.

    3)We don’t advocate what others do during the pageants, but we keep our routines clean and fun. We don’t have her crawling around on stage in half a costume or pretending to dry hump parts of the stage. Her routines are always basic and gymnastic in nature with nothing more than cartwheels and heel stretches.

    4)The thing DearCrabby said that proves she is a complete moron is when she stated that Courtney Love has talent. Yes, she has talent to steal Kurt Cobain’s songs after he died(Malibu, Old Age). My daughter loves rock, she loves classic rock and to be honest would rather be a musician than anything right now and that’s what i’m helping her try to be.

    5)Justin Timberlake started in pageantry, but I guess because he is a guy, that will be somehow different when someone comments on this post.
    ———————–
    I hear what you’re saying. And that’s great that you’re aware of some of the more skin-crawling aspects of (the girls’ side) pageants and keep Kailee’s routines clean. I think if the industry itself focused more on just little kids being little kids and less on the fake aspects–I think little girls with missing teeth are adorable!– they’d be a lot less gross to people. And compared to some of the other fruitcake parents I’ve seen during DearCrabby’s reviews, you seem more sane, now that we’ve had a chance to comment back and forth. I wish the boys’ pageants and girls’ pageants were more equal in regards to how they are done. The boys seem to be able to do basic stuff without all the coquettish maneuvering. I think it’s a case of the industry itself that has gotten out of control. Thanks for hearing me out, and best of luck to your daughter. I hope she turns out to be a fine young woman and always has a supportive dad. I disagree with pageants for children as a concept, but I would never doubt your pride and love for your daughter.

    And if you get a chance, read JMo’s reviews of Top Chef. He really is funny.

  26. 26
    dearcrabby
    Posted September 2, 2009 at 10:25 am

    vaibanez02 – When I wrote “Probably because she realizes she spent $9,000 this year and all she has to show for it is a half-naked child on her way to becoming Courtney Love without the “talent” ” you should have noticed that “talent” is in something called “quotes” because I was joking about Courtney Love’s talent. I wrote that sentence in a format commonly known as something called “sarcasm.” Perhaps you should “familiarize” “yourself” with “sarcasm” or stop reading websites beyond your humor comprehension.

    Please calm down, this website is for fun “ if you aren’t up for it, try NoGasm.com. Unless maybe that’s why you’re so cranky? :)

  27. 27
    vaibanez02
    Posted September 2, 2009 at 10:35 am

    TLC taped us for 2 days straight pretty much 8 hours a day. They taped me practicing baseball with her. They taped me giving her a guitar lesson. They taped Kailee playing with her toys and running around the backyard with a ball. Of course, they show NONE of that because they only want the shockvalue footage; the stuff they can make look really bad. I understand sarcasm DearCrabby, but I also understand going way too far in commentary. You can comment on the clothes, you can comment on what people look like and what their houses look like and how they act. But i’m sure everyone would have to agree that saying a five year old will put out in high school is excessive. That shows no class or journalistic integrity. I’m not cranky, i’m just flabbergasted that someone would actually write that about a five year old WHILE stating that WE’RE the ones hurting our children….you know, i wonder what she would think if i showed her the things you said on here…

  28. 28
    vaibanez02
    Posted September 2, 2009 at 10:39 am

    They also interviewed me for about 30 minutes. They never showed any of my interview footage. They showed all three moms’ interviews and the other two dads’ but not mine. What I said during the interview is that we live a comfortable and relaxed lifestyle where pageants are a small part of her overall life. I said there are kids out there who do a pageant every weekend and never get to enjoy being a kid. I said that we probably realistically spend $5,000 a year on pageants, while others i’m aware of spend over 50,000 dollars a year on pageantry. I stated that we don’t care if she wins or loses as long as she does her best and is having fun. I also stated that we don’t go over the top like paying $500 for a coach or having her clothes custom made for 2,000 dollars a pop. I am positive that at some point she will grow tired of pageants and the second she does i’ll find out what she wants to do and sign her up for that. She wants to be a rock musician, and I am all for that. I am teaching her guitar now and whatever else that entails i’ll help her along with. Like I said, if you watch the episode again, you’ll notice that they hardly ever show me and never show my interview footage because I guess I was too normal or didn’t say anything of real shock value to make it to air.

  29. 29
    cattyfan
    Posted September 2, 2009 at 10:40 am

    Do you really not see the over and overt sexualization of the little girls in pageants?

    Take a good look at the still photos of PoliceGirl (and her mom doing the same moves,) and then consider how growing up thinking that’s normal behavior for a girl might lead to her emphasizing sex too early in life…and believing that sex is the way to “win.”

    Even if YOU don’t have your little girl doing those moves, she sees the other girls doing it…and being rewarded with prizes for it.

  30. 30
    vaibanez02
    Posted September 2, 2009 at 10:51 am

    @cattyfan…it’s just like i said we don’t let her do that stuff on stage. We keep our routines clean. My little girl will actually tell my wife as we’re watching the other girls “she’s doing a hoochie dance” and we tell her to keep it quiet until later when we’re leaving lol. I can’t tell another parent what to do with their kid and like i said we don’t care if she wins. We want her to have fun and make friends and that’s what she does. She likes to be on stage and why shouldn’t she be? You know whats worse than pageants? The music and people that are aimed at little kids these days. Instead of attacking pageants, why not attack Miley Cyrus? Did you see her do pole dancing at the Teen Choice Awards? That’s 10x as damaging to her mind than pageants and I explained to her that what Miley did on stage was wrong and that she shouldn’t ever be doing that for any reason and my daughter says “why did she do a hoochie dance?” and i said “i don’t know” and she said “i don’t like her anymore!”…what we teach her does actually get across apparently

  31. 31
    cattyfan
    Posted September 2, 2009 at 11:07 am

    This site (and its readers) HAVE taken Ms. Cyrus to task for her embarrasssing and slutty behavior. We’re consistant around here for our disdain when it comes to the exploitation and sexualization of children, and disgust at people who sell themselves as role models, then make themselves an example of bad behavior.

    And I reiterate: YOU may not let your child shake their butt and blow kisses…but your little girl is still seeing this behavior richly rewarded. Good luck undoing that subtle message.

  32. 32
    vaibanez02
    Posted September 2, 2009 at 11:10 am

    And I reiterate: there’s nothing to undo because she knows it’s wrong to do that stuff…

  33. 33
    J-Mo J-Mo
    Posted September 2, 2009 at 11:28 am

    You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have
    The Facts of Life (doot-dooooo), the Facts of Life (doot-dooooo)
    There’s a time you got to go and show, you’re growin’ now you know about
    The Facts of Life (doot-dooooo), the Facts of Life (doot-dooooo)

    When the world never seems
    to be livin up to your dreams
    And suddenly you’re finding out the Facts of Life are all about you,
    yoo-hoo-oo-oo-ooou.

    It takes a lot to get ‘em right
    When you’re learning the Facts of Life. (learning the Facts of Life)
    Learning the Facts of Life (learning the Facts of Life)
    Learning the Facts of Liiiii-hiiiife.

    *This message brought to you by the Reality Of “Reality Television” who would like to remind you that “once it’s out there, it’s open for commentary”.

    love, J-Mo :)

  34. 34
    kara
    Posted September 2, 2009 at 11:57 am

    I think J-Mo covered it all with that very catchy song that will clearly be replayed nonstop in my head for the next 48+ hours…

  35. 35
    johnnyrocket
    Posted September 2, 2009 at 12:57 pm

    Bad mom alert!! Bad mom alert!! Keep talking honey, you’re making the case against you all the richer.

  36. 36
    krock21
    Posted September 2, 2009 at 12:58 pm

    OMG! I read this hilarious recap earlier this morning and came back to the site to find all of these comments . . . I love it!! :-)

    Vaibanez02, you’re angry b/c TLC never showed footage of your family doing normal things “b/c they only want the shock value footage; the stuff they can make look really bad” and DearCrabby “shows no class or journalistic integrity” in her recap . . . Well, Duh! Welcome to reality tv and tvgasm!

    Awesome recap, DearCrabby!! Keep up the great work. :-)

    P.S. J-Mo, your comments are cracking me up! :-)

  37. 37
    teri00
    Posted September 2, 2009 at 1:05 pm

    Jaime, you are a writing god. Are you recapping anything, hon, ’cause I’ll read anything you write. :D And I’ve noticed that the more defensive people get, that it’s generally because you’re awfully close to the truth.

    Crabby, love ya bunches! I’m so sorry you have to watch this travesty of legal child porn. It’s utterly revolting. But thanks for the pro-police message too… I feel like a complete idiot every time I try to slide into Dunkin for some iced coffee while in uniform. I feel like everyone’s staring at me and saying “AH-HA!!” :) I want to tell them, “yeah, don’t like the po-po? Then next time you’re in trouble, call a crackhead instead of 911.” But I don’t ’cause that’d be _rude_.

    Actually, since this thread made me ornery and since there’s a Dunkin right by the dry cleaners that I gotta stop at, I’m getting a coffee and a cruller as I go on duty today. In uniform, driving the marked vehicle. So there, little ‘no donut’ girl!

    AH-HA! *grin*

  38. 38
    dearcrabby
    Posted September 2, 2009 at 1:11 pm

    Teri00, you rock! We’re a big Dunkin’ Donuts family as well, and I’m loving the crullers too. Hey – anywhere there is a cop, I’m happy because I’m safe (by the way, I’m all about tasers, but the cops NEVER let me play with them!) Thanks for the comments and remember – America runs on Dunkin’. :)

  39. 39
    pixielated
    Posted September 2, 2009 at 1:39 pm

    Sorry, that kid is never going to be a model or win Miss Universe without extensive cosmetic surgery. Time to put some money into education.

    I think these pageants are as much (or more) a contest for the people who “prepare” these young’uns as for the children. Who can tell which child is the “prettiest” or whatever? All that’s being judged is a whole lot of fake hair, fake teeth, makeup, overpriced clothing, and “coaching.”

  40. 40
    Bremm
    Posted September 2, 2009 at 1:50 pm

    Holy Shmoly DearCrabby,

    Nothin’ like a good old comment war to turn a recapper into a rock star. Way to go, baby.

    To vaibanez02, have you never been on the internet? If you have then, sorry honey, you had to know what could happen. Come on, you put your kid on TV. You see how reality shows are edited I assume, so I’m guessing you knew subjects aren’t always cast in the best life and still YOU put your kid on TV. You mentioned that voy.com site, I just went there for the first time. Man alive those folks are vicious and YOU put you KID on TV.

    So before you go blaming on snarky recapper (awesomely snarky recapper) just remember YOU PUT YOUR KID ON TV.

  41. 41
    PottyMouth
    Posted September 2, 2009 at 2:05 pm

    I have only two things to say:

    WOW

    and

    LMFAO!

    SWAK, PottyMouth

  42. 42
    vaibanez02
    Posted September 2, 2009 at 2:49 pm

    Of course I knew how reality tv worked far before this show. What I don’t get is why someone has to spend time going minute by minute critiquing and making stuff up about the show and the families and the kids at that. I posted a link to this review on facebook and 13 people posted how disguisting it is, and none of them are pageant moms or dads or have anything to do with pageantry at all. Yes we put our kid on tv, but there’s no reason for this kind of trash to exist online. Hate the clothes, hate the hair, hate the makeup but hating the kid and trashing a kid’s future by saying b/c she does pageants she can’t possibly have one is a lie and ridiculous. Yes, keep writing reviews like this because it will give me more evidence.

  43. 43
    johnnyrocket
    Posted September 2, 2009 at 2:52 pm

    No one hated on your kid, weirdo. And evidence for what. Who are you, Perry Mason?

  44. 44
    shantigal
    Posted September 2, 2009 at 3:05 pm

    I’ll say one thing for ya viabenez, you’re tenacious to a fault. No one here hates or hated on your kid. I believe it’s been explained at least a half dozen times what this site is all about. What will it take for you to realize the original intent of this recap?

  45. 45
    AliaxAtreides
    Posted September 2, 2009 at 3:10 pm

    Um, I just looked on facebook and there are no post about your child or you or this website…

    Give me a break lady there are count them 17 groups AGAINST Toddlers and Tiaras.

    Who in their right mind would allow their child be in beauty contests that makes them shallow individuals is beyond me.

    But thanks for inticing me to make a first post here you were quite entertaining in defending your ideals…

  46. 46
    vaibanez02
    Posted September 2, 2009 at 3:25 pm

    I didn’t create a group to discuss it…think for a second about that…i said i posted it on facebook meaning i made the link to this page my status on my own page. Since ive done so 3 hours ago, 17 people have commented of how ridiculous this is, and not one of the people is a pageant parent or has anything to do with pageants: “Brittney: People who say things like that about kids make me sick to my stomach, i just want to jump through the screen and shake sense into them.” “Angela: How could someone seriously sit down and write this, this is garbage with a capital G!” “James: Yo, if someone said that about my kid and my wife, i’d be finding out where they work and how i could contact them further.” “Daniel: There’s no reason for anyone to write this trash, it just goes to show you how slimey some people can be.” “Lindsay: I can’t believe what I just read. Seriously, it’s not YOU that I want to stay away from kids it’s these people who can write things like this. I hope DearCrabby never has kids.” I rest my case

  47. 47
    AliaxAtreides
    Posted September 2, 2009 at 3:38 pm

    even better than your FRIENDS… yes my friends say nice things about me too..

  48. 48
    Bremm
    Posted September 2, 2009 at 3:45 pm

    vaibanez02 wrote:

    “Angela: How could someone seriously sit down and write this, this is garbage with a capital G!”

    Actually it’s gasam with a capital G.

    So, you hate what is said so much you spread it for more to see. I’m sure the TVgasam people appreciate the plug.

  49. 49
    arizonatom
    Posted September 2, 2009 at 9:41 pm

    vaibanez02:

    You must be SO proud to be among the “Jon & Kate plus 8″ and Octomoms of this world who want to exploit their kids. Who in their right mind would expose their children’s lives to being broadcast to televisions all over the country. Why on earth would you do that to your child, who is, apparently, SO precious to you?

    And as for the pageant put-downs, I think they are aimed more at the parents who put their children through this (ok – in your case who “allow” their children to “choose” this) when they are so young rather than being attacks on the children, who really don’t know any better because Mommy and Daddy have told them that this a great thing to do. Yes, we all realize that you can’t wake up at 17 and decide that you want to be a beauty queen, but my God, shouldn’t you wait until they hit 10 or 12 and can REALLY decide that this is something they want to do? What the fuck does a four-month old know about anything besides sleeping and shitting, much less pageant-ing.

    AND the fact that you got SO upset about this recap, which is just a hilarious re-telling of a television show (look, there are dozens of them that are covered here on TVGasm). You certainly do seem to be awful defensive in your comments. Perhaps some of the things mentioned in the recap hit pretty close to home? The way you go on and on and on, posting comment after comment after comment – get over it already. So somebody said some snarky shit about a group of people on a crappy tv show that just happens to include your wife and kid. Big Deal! Oh, or maybe it’s the wife that got pissed, and MADE you comment about it! I bet that’s it.

    Anyway, get a life and if you don’t like what someone is writing, don’t read it. Or you could have made a comment simply saying that you disagree with them and that you personally were offended by some of the comments, and you would probably have gotten an apology.

    As it is, you just come off like a complete asshat and have made a buffoon of your self. Good job!!

    Dear Crabby:
    I have to admit, this is the first time that I have read one of your recaps. You are HILARIOUS! Even though I can’t stand the premise of this show and what it stands for, and I certainly would NEVER watch an episode, I will read your recaps in the future for the wonderful snark and humor therein. My hat is off to you.

    Lots O’ Love

  50. 50
    briar
    Posted September 3, 2009 at 1:48 am

    Finally, my dream has come true………some idiot from a reality show is mocked on TVGasm and then reads the recap! If only all of these fools could read what is written (and thought) about them…

    Great recap AGAIN, Dear Crabby, your observations are right on.

    As for the defensive “parent” commenting here…Methinks he doth protest too much.

  51. 51
    jaime sommers
    Posted September 3, 2009 at 6:12 am

    Not to change the subject, but I had to make this all about *ME ME ME* for a second and give a shout out to Teri00 who wrote:

    teri00:
    Jaime, you are a writing god. Are you recapping anything, hon, ’cause I’ll read anything you write. :D

    ————————-
    Thank you!!!!! I’m not recapping anything on TVGasm (I *wish*!), but I do have a book I’m pitching to agents about my German shepherd Max–hahaha (Bionic Woman joke). Her name is really Athena, and the book is “Marley and Me” for GSDs.

    But thanks again for the nice words, and thanks for your dedication to serving and protecting.

  52. 52
    mrsc
    Posted September 3, 2009 at 7:07 am

    Dear Mr. Nutter:

    I don’t even know if you’ll be reading this since obviously you had to take the day off yesterday to google your names and come on with all of your posts BUT LOOK HERE- tvgasm is all about SNARK, it IS about JUDGING people who put themselves or their children (who don’t have a say or understand how badly they will be ridiculed in school later)on reality tv.

    Just wondering if your wife and MIL read you calling DearCrabby *fat* ? Are you allowed to say that word at your house or only type it out online?

    And another thing: we did get to see your face for a moment at the chairs, right? That was you? And you wonder why your interviews weren’t chosen but the better looking Dad’s was? The irony.

    DearCrabby, keep on keeping on! LOVE your reviews, am a big fan. I am no journalism student (and I don’t think our Mr. Nutter is either) but I read to be informed or entertained. You certainly are great at doing both!

  53. 53
    shantigal
    Posted September 3, 2009 at 7:20 am

    Dear Crabby:

    How fitting that your title for this recap pertains to both the show *and* the comments. You must be psychic.

  54. 54
    judyjudy
    Posted September 3, 2009 at 11:37 am

    Wait…I’m confused. Isn’t the point of pageants to be judged? Isn’t that why they pay people to be judges? So their children can be judged? How can anyone get angry about people judging their participation in an event that is all about judging? Hunh?

  55. 55
    krock21
    Posted September 3, 2009 at 11:45 am

    I love how vaibanez02 says “keep writing reviews like this because it will give me more evidence” and “I rest my case” in his last two comments.

    Dang, DearCrabby, he’s taking you to recap court!!

    Thank goodness the REAL courts uphold the 1st Amendment! :-)

  56. 56
    teri00
    Posted September 3, 2009 at 12:35 pm

    Hee hee! I love how he mentions that a friend “James” said that he’d find out where you worked and take it up with you personally. I think that treads very close to the line of a threat. Not that vaidouchebagnez would really do that, but I find it amusing the kind of people supporting violence as the answer.

    *smooches back to jaime and Crabby* Had my Dunkin coffee yesterday, but no donut!

  57. 57
    pixielated
    Posted September 3, 2009 at 1:07 pm

    vaibanez, dear, I hate to have to expose you to the sad truth about the show “Toddlers and Tiaras.” It is not a celebration of child beauty pageants and their pretty little contestants, or an indictment of the exploitation of children.

    “Toddlers and Tiaras” is a FREAK SHOW. They are taping you so that the viewers can point their fingers at you and laugh, laugh, laugh. Oh, and so your friends can watch it and tell you how great you and your kid were.

    Sorry, but that’s the truth.

  58. 58
    lovesthehobbitses
    Posted September 3, 2009 at 7:01 pm

    I would just like to note from a past T&T recap:

    _______
    “vaibanez02@yahoo.com:
    I watched this disaster of a pageant three times(thank you TiVo) and I still cannot get over how gay the dad was, how ridiculously ogrish and scary the director Betty was, and the fact that you never mentioned Riley’s weirdo face licking of her mom(she licked her mom in the mouth for christ’s sake!)…I see that there are some other WV pageants coming up on TLC’s schedule, let’s hope they’re much better, i don’t see how they could be worse!

    3 of 12 | Posted by vaibanez02@yahoo.com | Posted on August 12, 2009 2:30 PM”
    ______

    Clearly, mockery is inherent in us all–except when it comes to your child. I’m just saying.

  59. 59
    johnnyrocket
    Posted September 4, 2009 at 12:19 am

    Oh snap!

  60. 60
    FancyPants
    Posted September 4, 2009 at 6:02 am

    Guess Mr Douchey McDoucherson got all “dicked out” and went home. Excellent ‘cap DearCrabby!!!

  61. 61
    fineprint
    Posted September 4, 2009 at 6:03 am

    lol! great find hobbitses!!!

  62. 62
    vaibanez02
    Posted September 4, 2009 at 6:34 am

    @Hobbitses…I’m biased against Betty Burns’ pageants because she has threatened to kill my wife before over stupid pageant things. She calls and gets people’s orders, room reservations and other things cancelled because she’s a jealous hag who thinks she’s the only person in WV allowed to run pageants or else. She once sent in a woman who does her pageants often to assault a woman who was trying to set up a pageant in Charleston, WV and she did it. That one is still going through the court system. But it’s not really like that anywhere else, just her and her jealous people who act that way. Everywhere else ive ever gone, the pageant people were nice and friendly.

    @Teri00…he wasn’t advocating violence, he said he’d be finding out where he could contact her so he could have an actual discussion with someone so willingly writing horrible things about children.

    @pixelated…the show itself is put on by TLC to show every child they follow and their family in the most negative light possible. They taped us at build-a-bear in the mall, playing baseball in the front yard and running around the backyard with a ball while i barbecued, and NONE of that made the tv show. They also didn’t show ANY of my interview footage where I stated that we just like to have fun and it’s a hobby and that if she ever said she wanted to quit, we’d find her another activity like dance or something to put her in. ALSO, i stated in my interviews that pageants cost money and we probably spend around 7,000 dollars a year on pageants but that we also sell the dresses once she wears them and often get MORE money than we paid in return. I did a little math and last year, we spent 7,740 dollars on pageant clothes and entry fees. We sold five of her outfits for about 8,300 dollars. That means we actually MADE money and she got to have fun…

    And that’s what you guys don’t realize when you review this show and write all this stuff. The moms that buy these ridiculously expensive clothes, also sell them right after the pageant, often for more than they paid. The woman from Betty’s pageant who paid 2,000 dollars for that yellow dress, sold it on ebay for 2,400 dollars. So people aren’t exactly shelling out 1,000s for nothing in return…

  63. 63
    dearcrabby
    Posted September 4, 2009 at 8:02 am

    To vaibanez02:

    Dude. Duuude. Whatever shred of credibility you had is gone once someone found your previous comment. Interesting you “get” the concept of TVGasm when I’m making fun of other people’s kids, but when it’s your kid suddenly you want to “report me” and have your friends give me a “talking to.” Don’t you think the other parents would have the same comments you did when it came to their kid? Maybe that family LIKES to lick each other.

    You can’t have it one way for others and another for yourself. I admire you for defending your kid, but don’t get on your high horse when YOU TOO trashed on some kid in your comments. Did you tell your friends about your comments? Why not post that link on your Facebook page? Maybe they will want to have a talk with you too.

    ‘Nuff said.

  64. 64
    Lil Brat
    Posted September 4, 2009 at 9:12 am

    He doth protest toooooo much…. (tho I am enjoyn the banter.) You don’t need to watch the show to know what happened…just read Dear Crabby’s reviews. (Love the dog comments.) Keep up your chins, fatty. lol

  65. 65
    ReeseWitherspoon
    Posted September 4, 2009 at 10:39 am

    WTF??!?!?!?! As I was reading the recap I happened to notice the 64 COMMENTS!!! I knew they were bound to be juicy, but I had no idea. This is nuts!!! Almost as nuts as vaibanez02. He a crazy mofo.

  66. 66
    krock21
    Posted September 4, 2009 at 11:40 am

    Well said, DearCrabby. Well said.

  67. 67
    Bremm
    Posted September 4, 2009 at 11:58 am

    To vaibanez02:

    Wow guy, you’re even worse than I thought. YOU put your kid on that show knowing, even you, a pageant dad, may rip the poor kid a new one. And as I reread some of your comments seem annoyed your interviews weren’t aired. Did YOU really want to be on TV that bad? Sheesh!

  68. 68
    Clytemnestra
    Posted September 4, 2009 at 2:35 pm

    Dear Crabby,

    HOW many times must I tell you to head for Hollywood (and invite me–I’ll be your dog-sitter). Your writing makes me laugh out loud every time. This week’s favorite of mine: the comment about checking up the nose to find the lost fake nails. I also liked the “Try NoGasm” comment (along with its additional witicisms).
    Congrats on the Unholy Debate. Keep doin’ what you’re doin’. We love you Crabby!

  69. 69
    fatgirlsrule
    Posted September 4, 2009 at 8:12 pm

    Remember the show called “Showbiz Moms and Dads”, there was a family on there with the last name Nutter. The dad wanted the entire family to be in a TV show. I wonder if these Nutters are the same Nutters.

  70. 70
    AnneM
    Posted September 5, 2009 at 12:37 am

    I love your recap. The comments only serve to make more people read this entry and frankly they’re pretty funny.

    Who knew a sarcastic recap about child beauty pageants could cause such an explosion of bad feelings by someone who says he and his family enjoy this activity? If he is so happy with it than what is with all this anger towards you?

    Obviously he won’t be happy until the child beauty pageants get legitimized. Maybe they should get The Donald to take them over and he can pick the winners like he does for Miss Universe. Then all will be happy in the Toddlers and Tiaras Universe and there will be no need for his long and boring comments.

    You know sometimes I read web sites and disagree with an article. I write a short little note with my complaint and then, I move on.

    MOVE ON Pageant Dad if you want to find praise for the pageant scene, go to a different web site. That isn’t the objective of the recaps of this show. Dear Crabby is writing her thoughts and opinions about this show and she is entitled to do so by the Constitution of this great country of ours.

    God Bless DearCrabby and back off pageant Dad.

  71. 71
    vaibanez02
    Posted September 7, 2009 at 9:12 am

    Dude seriously DearCrabby, you lost all credibility when you wrote this review…you say you aren’t sure if she even broke even proving your ignorance of pageants…I can understand you think pageants are crazy but you don’t even know anything about pageants and half of the people who commented on your review stated that they don’t even watch the show…so why should someone who doesn’t even know how pageants work be writing reviews, which are read by people who don’t even watch the show? The whole idea of this makes zero sense. I didn’t “lose” credibility because i trashed a woman who has threatened our lives lol. And @ whoever said I wanted to be on tv, I didn’t but only for two reasons: I want people to know Kailee actually does have a father and 2: I said important things about pageantry that people who don’t do them or go to them don’t know…we aren’t spending and losing 9,000 dollars a year, we actually MAKE money off pageants at the end of the year. When a kid plays baseball, the parents pay 50 or 100 dollars for them to enter the league, buy them a bat and a glove and sometimes uniform fees. Sometimes you have to pay for allstar tournament fees too if your kid is really good. That stuff can cost over 1,000 dollars in a year. What do they get in return? A 3 dollar plastic trophy from the local trophy shop and a pizza party at the local “buy one get two free” place…and you don’t make money back by selling your kid’s “McDonald’s Rockets” jersey…

  72. 72
    vaibanez02
    Posted September 7, 2009 at 9:15 am

    @AnneM: You’re absolutely right about one thing: This isn’t a website about facts and a general understanding of how pageants work. Factual discussion obviously isn’t the point of this site…

  73. 73
    dearcrabby
    Posted September 7, 2009 at 1:16 pm

    To vaibanez02: “Factual discussion obviously isn’t the point of this site…”

    YOU FINALLY GET IT! GOOD FOR YOU! Enjoy your participation trophy, you’ve earned it.

  74. 74
    razzbeth
    Posted September 7, 2009 at 2:25 pm

    So, I’ve been sitting back quietly enjoying the “debate,” but I finally have to put my two cents in.

    vaibanez02 said “I didn’t “lose” credibility because i trashed a woman who has threatened our lives lol.”

    1. It think someone threatening your life over a pageant pretty much vindicates all of the negative opinions about these pageants.

    2. “lol?” Honey, if someone threatened my life they would be in jail right now. It wouldn’t be something to laugh about. How is that caring for your family?

    Pack it up and move on. No one is buying your crap here….

  75. 75
    Lil Brat
    Posted September 8, 2009 at 5:39 am

    I’m all about not watching the show and just reading the re-caps. Obviously it’s more true to life than the actual show. Can’t wait for the next one, Dear Crabby. (And don’t you just feel so bad for vaibanez02? sic)

  76. 76
    elmopalooza
    Posted September 8, 2009 at 12:55 pm

    Where is the newest episode review? There is a new episode tomorrow and I was hoping to read it before this one airs. I want to hear what you have to say about Hope’s mother. She was a bit nuts. Clamining it’s all about having fun and then going ballistic because your kid lost? And she could have killed her kid with the way she was driving while the kid was moving around in the car like that!

  77. 77
    TheVoiceOfReason
    Posted September 23, 2009 at 9:06 pm

    Christmas has come early.

    THANK YOU, DearCrabby, and more importantly, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU, vaibanez02.

  78. 78
    bluedog
    Posted March 13, 2010 at 12:44 am

    We are only starting to get the show here in Australia. I stumbled across the recaps and couldn’t stop laughing.

    Toddlers and Tiaras only shows what the we and the rest of the world think – that Americans are MAD. What sane parent puts their child through that kind of pressure.

  79. 79
    rileykate
    Posted April 21, 2010 at 5:52 pm

    @Vaibanez02
    Thank you for standing up for pageants and your daughter. I love reading these recaps; sometimes they are quite funny, but other times they are not.

    For example, the part where Kailee was talking to the other girls and telling one how pretty she was was conveniently left out. You seem determined to make these families look even worse than the TV show makes them.

    I compete in pageants, as do my two sisters and three cousins, and none of us are forced into them. We’re not abused by being in pageants; my parents never hit us if we don’t win, or if we don’t want to practice. And the skimpiest thing I’ve ever seen on a child onstage is a two piece halter bathing suit. And if you go to a beach, you’ll see children wearing even more revealing things.

    Parents aren’t exploiting their children by putting them into pageants; they are opening up their child’s future. A child who has never played baseball would never know if they wanted to be a pro baseball player, and a child who’s never done any modeling or pageants will never know if they want to be a model or an actress.

    Pageants are only associated with porn and pedophiles because it involves putting makeup and costumes on children, but if you think about it Dance and Cheerleading are exactly the same, and I haven’t seen anyone insulting those hobbies. My youngest sister, who is six, does Jazz dance and she was supposed to wear a tube top and black mini shorts for a recital (It was to Tik Tok) and my mom didn’t want to expose her like that, so she ended up in black leggings and a tank top.

  80. 80
    tadow
    Posted June 24, 2010 at 12:53 pm

    tik tok? isn’t that the one where she wants to get wasted? And even she doesn’t believe the guy cares what her middle name is? I think my daughter and I will pass on that too :)

  81. 81
    disgusted
    Posted September 18, 2010 at 8:17 pm

    Hope had a stroke no doubt because she had a vicious mother who should have been charged with child abuse. She now wants people to donate money to her. Hope should be in a protected custody and her mother in gaol as well as the Parents of Paris and Sterling.

  82. 82
    trish
    Posted November 8, 2011 at 10:05 pm

    making fun of a child’s weight, not cool-”tubb of chubb”-I don’t agree with the pageants at all but reviews that tear apart young kids, even lower

  83. 83
    dearcrabby
    Posted November 10, 2011 at 10:57 am

    Really Trish? It’s been 2+ years. Try to move past it.

    Also, if you don’t like reviews that tear people apart, not sure what you are doing on THIS site. That’s our bread and tubb of chubb here.

  84. 84
    Surly Girly Surly Girly
    Posted May 25, 2012 at 7:23 am

    Atts girl, crabby … You know what tub your chubb is buttered on!

    I just discovered T&T – am slowly working my way through the episodes of each season, following each with your recap. Hilarious! Sheer entertainment. I’ve got a fun summer ahead!

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