This week’s Toddlers & Tiaras is the “Beautiful Dolls” pageant in Lafayette, North Carolina and Gasmii, the crazy is BACK! We open this episode with Pageant Director Britney Barlow, a dead-ringer for brunette and bobbed Jodie Foster, telling us she started the pageant so that every child could leave the pageant “feeling like a winner.” Because that’s how real life is.
What the hell is wrong with people? When did losing become something bad as opposed to a “life lesson”? And when did telling your kids to shut the hell up when they are crying in Target become taboo? Sorry, that last one may have been a personal question to the two dumbass parents who looked like they had lost their will to live. Seriously, shut your kids up or I will, and I’ll do it by telling them I will kill Santa if they aren’t quiet.
Next time I tell you to shut the f#ck up, you DO IT.
This pageant is extra-competitive with a whopping 44 contestants. How hard is it going to be to make everyone feel like a winner? Give them a dollar and let them loose in the dollar store – that’s all it takes me to feel good. It is a full-glitz pageant so we are back to beauty, swimsuit, and outfit of choice. Thank God no real talent has to be displayed after the guitar playing and singing of that poor sick kid last time.
“Everyone wants to win the Ultimate Grand Supreme,” she says, “because they all want the $500 cash prize.” And the sausage AND bacon. At least the $500 will offset, uh, the trip to the salon? Gas money to the pageant? Nothing?
In oddly named Hurricane, West Virginia, we meet Kailee Nutter who is five years old. She wants to win the Beautiful Dolls pageant and we find that out through captioning since she can’t speak clearly. Sara, her mother, says she’s a proud parent of Kailee as we see Kailee smart off and tell her mother she doesn’t need her help. I remember those days. Sara says they have been trying to get Kailee ready for the pageant for the past two weeks but it looks like perhaps they should consider expanding their practice time. I’m just saying…she sort of sucks.
Well you need someone’s help cuz I can’t understand a damn thing coming out of your marble mouth.
Debbie, Kailee’s grandmother, interviews that pageants started for them when they found out Sara was going to have a daughter – meaning they began pageants when Kailee was just a bunch of cells. Also, Debbie is going to be the first person I put on my new brand new website, “Women Who Look Like the Men on that Website Called Men Who Look Like Old Lesbians dot com.” Seriously, I’m going to need to see sex test results on this “woman.”
Claw hair does not a woman make.
“Kailee didn’t really know what was going on when she first started,” Sara tells us. “She was only four months old when she started.” Okay, she didn’t start pageants, YOU started them, let’s get that clear tout suite. She also didn’t know how to focus her eyes! “It wasn’t really her choice.” I’ve got news for you, it still isn’t her choice.
Over in Moncks Corner, South Carolina, a city with too many Cs in its name, we meet our runner up for Crazy Mom of the episode but our winner for deep-down diva child. Mother Elyse tells us her daughters Sterling and Paris (oh brother), “know what it takes to win.” It takes sleeping with the judges. Oh wait, that’s a little later in life.
Sterling is five and loves to take her big crown with the purpley-blue diamonds to show and tell. Well why not? It’s totally cool and huge! Also, if I were in that class, I would hate her. “I want to win the Beautiful Dolls pageant,” she says. Get in line, it’s beginning to be a long one. She’s only been doing pageants for a year. “When I win,” she says, “I feel grand!” I feel that way when I get home with a company pen in my bag.
Crazy Mom Runner Up! CONGRATS! You’re almost a winner at something!
Paris, age 3, began at age two and she has won two grand supreme titles in her one year of competing. Methinks I see sibling rivalry tearing these two apart – and I call dibs on that reality show recap! Sterling and Paris seem to have some token brothers in the family but I doubt the boys compete in pageants because they probably don’t like the hairpieces.
Quentin is Paris and Sterling’s dad says, “As long as they’re into pageants, I’m into pageants too.” He says this with the enthusiasm of a zucchini. I’m guessing the dad would rather spend that money on the 1,400 NFL channels DirecTV is always trying to talk me into each fall. Next year try 1,400 HGTV channels, morons, and I might sign up.
In Leland, North Carolina, we meet our batshit crazy mom of the episode and the daughter that clearly does not enjoy pageants – JACKPOT! Skylar is four years old and she complements Quentin on the zucchini-related personality and enthusiasm for pageants. She says she loves being onstage, but you’ll see throughout this whole episode her face tells a completely different story, and it’s one where she NEVER goes to a pageant again if she can help it.
Look at this crown! Where do I sign up?
Skylar’s mom Kimberly is going through all of Skylar’s crowns for us…and to be honest, kid does gave a ton of them so she must be doing something right. Kimberly says she got Skylar involved with pageants because people on the street used to tell her how cute Skylar was. Who ever tells a person their kid is ugly, though? Then the truth comes out: Kimberly used to do pageants so she thought they would be fun for Sklyar. Trust me, they aren’t! And I hope you notice that when you watch this episode. Clue: watch your child’s face throughout this entire show!
Kimberly starts us off with a little at-home grooming – the Sham-Brow makes a triumphant return this season. “If Skylar doesn’t win, I can’t say I’ll be elated, of course I will not,” she says, smiling creepily, “I want her to win. But if she doesn’t, I don’t want her to pick up on my disappointment.” She totally will because you’re kind of a freak.
Kimberly says she doesn’t like unibrows and finds it easier just to maintain Skylar’s eyebrows all along. “They are…what do they call it?” she rolls her eyes back as though she’s trying to find the information in the Dewey decimal system of her mind, “the vision…the opening to the soul,” she finally and confusingly finishes. Yes, the eyebrows are the opening to the soul which is why Satan is always stealing them!
This acid will only burn a little while it works it’s magic.
She puts lotion on Skylar’s eyebrows, Sham-Brows them, says, “It’s not a big deal to her to have them done,” as Skylar looks like she’s being filleted. Why don’t you just do this when she’s asleep? Skylar gets off the bed and looks humiliated. Amen, sister.
Poor thing’s gonna have back problems.
Back in Hurricane, Kailee is being asked the big decision of what she wants to wear this weekend. She wants the pink one and I cannot disagree. She says the best thing about pageants is the fancy clothes and once again – no disagreement. She calls her rhinestones diamonds, and her mother says, “If I could change one thing about the pageants it would be the cost.” No one is forcing you to compete, sweetheart.
“The economy is not that great these days,” she says like The Economist is on her bedside table. “We probably spend six, seven, eight, nine thousand dollars are year on pageants,” she says. When she said this I once again gasped so loudly I woke the dogs up, and that is not an easy thing to do in my house. Perhaps they felt the change of barometric pressure when I did that and thought a storm was coming. Am I out of line for thinking that is ridiculous? That is a 401(k) investment, college investment, house investment…for that kind of money, your kid could be fluent in Spanish or Chinese within a year or two, and that won’t evaporate or get saggy when she turns 50.
Between the $130 entry fee and the gas, hotel, etc. this weekend is going to cost them about $600-700. I also did the math and 44 entrants x $130 is $5,720, minus the $500 prize money, the cost of crowns, sashes, and the conference room, I’m not sure our Jodie Foster impersonator is breaking even. Hope she has a day job – impersonating Jodie Foster! “You can’t put a price on something your kid loves to do,” Sara says. I could, and it’s six, seven, eight, nine thousand dollars a year. Flushing it would be less stressful.
Dressing your child like a tiny hooker is expensive.
“My mom and dad help out a lot,” she says, bilking them in advance for her inheritance, “and I have a cousin who makes her dresses. For things like hair and makeup, I can do that.” Well, as long as she’s fiscally not at all involved, I guess we’re good.
Back in Moncks Corner, Elyse tells us she uses “magic hair” on Sterling and Paris which is just fancy talk for “wigs and hairpieces from dead Chinese prisoners.” Elyse says, “I’m a strong fan of anything that can enhance your beauty,” she says. Then become a fan of barrettes and get your hair out of your face. Paris puts a wig on a trophy and honestly, I cannot think of a better symbol for this show, can you?
That trophy is way too fat to be in pageants.
“Do what you gotta do to be beautiful,” Elyse says. Yes, as long as that it is something external, just remember that part.
Back at Sklyar’s House of Disinterest, Kimberly tells us there are a lot of things Skylar enjoys about pageants. Unfortunately, none of those actually exist and it’s really MOM who enjoys everything about the pageants. “She likes getting all dicked out,” Kimberly says. Wait – I think she said “decked out,” my bad. “She’s a girly-girl, so the make up’s fun, the hair, all of the neat outfits,” and yet Skylar really doesn’t seem to be enjoying any of this.
“For this weekend, Skylar’s casual wear is a cop-theme,” because who doesn’t like to wrap their casual attire around law enforcement clothes? Sklyar comes out of the bathroom in a black outfit bedazzled with rhinestones that is supposed to look like a cop uniform only slutty. Sluttier. It even has handcuffs and I’m pretty sure this costume is available for big girls around Halloween since it’s acceptable for conservative women to look like whores around October 31. Passover, too, I’ve heard.
“Pageantry is very competitive and I do want my child to stand out,” Kimberly says. How does she manage that? By having her daughter make fun of cops. On the back of Skylar’s outfit is a sign, “Bad Cop No Donut.” I don’t even know where to go with this. Actually, I do. First of all, way to stereotype. Second, you’d better hope that at a SOUTHERN pageant there isn’t a judge with a cop in the family. Third, enjoy having your home broken into while you are at the pageant and having no cops appear when you return home and call 911. Dumbass.
Good pageant girl, still no donut. Life is so unfair.
She tells Skylar to shake, so Skylar put her hands on her hips and begins to shake. “Shake hard!” Kimberly says. Jesus H. Christ, is there no end to the pageant mom psychosis? “Skylar certainly doesn’t know what the ‘No Donuts’ means and the association that some people have…with donuts…and cops,” she says. Yeah, well, the cops get it and they hate you and I hope the judges do too. When Skylar shakes her booty, the handcuffs flap. Super sexy awesome!
“She thought it was funny that she had something about donuts on her outfit, but hopefully people in the audience will make the association and will think it’s funny and cute AND THE JUDGES.” Oh, I’m sorry. Was she being too subtle?
See, here’s the thing. There is this stereotype, see, and it’s about cops always being at a donut shop, and how they are overweight and always eating donuts and drinking coffee instead of chasing the bad guys. I wasn’t sure if you all could make the association she spoke of over and over and over and over again so I thought I would draw you a map to help out. Did it help? Did you see the association? Between cops? The fat? The increase in crime because cops are fat and at the donut shop? I bet Kimberly could show you proof via a theorem.
Back in South Carolina, FedEx has stopped by with Sterling’s flipper. “She definitely cannot go onstage with a missing tooth,” Elyse says, “that won’t…sit well…with the judges.” Yes, because if there is one thing the judges hate, it is evidence that the girls are growing up and won’t be jailbait much longer.
“The smile has to be flawless or you don’t even have a chance,” Elyse says. Elyse needs to get out more. “My biggest fear is that it will fall out onstage,” she continues, “and I will be totally devastated.” Yes, that sounds like a devastating occurrence, what with your daughter still alive but humiliated at a pageant of 44 girls who cannot pee without dribbling.
We’re shaving your nose and stapling your ears down in the morning, so get some rest.
Back in North Carolina, Kimberly interviews that she likes Skylar to practice everyday before a pageant, that way she’s not crunched at the end, instead she is crunched every single day of her life. They are practicing a routine and Skylar is all over the place. Mom seems to have it down, though, go figure. They are practicing at a gym but there is no coach, which begs the question why leave home to practice?
“Yes, I do take pageants seriously,” Kimberly says, as though we’ve been in a coma the whole episode and haven’t picked up on the fanaticism. “Because it’s a lot of time, effort, and preparation, and money.” The important thing is your daughter is totally not into it. We see Skylar practicing and her mother says, “That was boring,” and makes some sort of gesture that makes me think she wants Skylar to steal second base.
And I’m going to need you to bunt in the 7th.
“If you are going to look at them as a joke, it’s just ridiculous to put that much effort into them,” she says. What if we think you’re the joke? She says she has to “give it her all” to prepare her daughter so they don’t go into a pageant unprepared. At the gym, she tells her daughter that the performance was “lackluster,” which all children hear as “eat your mustard.” Moron.
Over in West Virginia, Sara says she doesn’t see preparing for a pageant any different from preparing for another type of competition. Yes, getting your nails done is the same as running cross country every day, learning French, and rehearsing for a play. It all requires the same amount of dedication, skill, and practice except it totally doesn’t!. She says, “You wouldn’t send your kid onto a sports field without the proper protective equipment.” Yes, well a protective cup will make sure future generations don’t die with a swift hit of a baseball bat, I doubt fake nails can say the same.
In South Carolina Elyse tells us that they go shoe shopping as a family, “But Quentin pays.” Thanks Elyse, I haven’t had a vacation in awhile and that trip to the 1950s was fun! “Shoes are very important at pageants. You have to have the right shoes for the outfit or the outfit is nothing,” she says. And don’t forget the smile because without a flawless smile you have nothing. You know, you really have nothing at these pageants without everything being perfect which is a very achievable goal in real life.
Okay, I think this is actually the 1960s, but I would travel
back in time to have him buy me shoes. In fact, I’m moving him up on my
List of Five. Thank God I didn’t laminate that list.
Back at Chez Crazy, Kimberly asks Skylar to say grace over what I believe is pizza. “My husband, Brett…I would not call him a big supporter of pageants,” Kimberly says. “He’s not a pageant dad.” He asks Skylar about her day and she won’t answer him. Brett interviews that early on he went to some of the pageants and “some of the things I saw kind of concerned me,” he says. So he’s the brains of the family. One of those concerns was whether or not the mothers were doing it for their daughters “or doing it for themselves.” Oo-oo, was that a coded message to a certain someone, Kimberly?
“I know this sounds mean and bad and I don’t mean it to be,” he begins, “but a lot of the times it seems as if the mothers are (takes in a breath) extremely overweight and not very healthy.” OH MY GOD he is my favorite. Have you considered a career in recapping, Brett?
He “verbalized” that he wasn’t very “pro-pageant” early on, “and I think that actually hurt Skylar’s feelings and caused some problems,” which translated means “my wife was pissed and wouldn’t have sex with me, so I gave in and let her do this just for that anniversary sex.” Poor bastard.
You won’t be getting any of that once she sees this, but thanks for this segment, cuz it was amazing.
Now it’s time for Sterling and Paris to practice, which includes Elyse telling them to be sassy, sassy, and more sassy, then telling them to “hose the judges” as Sterling pretends she has a hose and is spraying the judges. WTF? Is there going to be a wet t-shirt contest too? She has to practice with Paris more because she’s young and stupid.
“I wouldn’t push my kids to do pageants if they didn’t want to do it,” she says, just another huge lie pageant moms tell them to validate their empty lives and the fact they have to live vicariously through a three year old.
Pageant day! Pageant Director Jodie Foster clichÃ©s that people are in it to win it, “Whether they are from North Carolina, or West Virginia, or Florida, or wherever,” because she’s too lazy to remember any more southern states. Does she have allergies, because she’s awfully nasal. That or she’s just bored.
Make more movies.
Sara interviews that the morning has been stressful because they’ve had to roll Kailee’s hair. Please, dear God, give me these people’s problems. They are trying to keep her in a good mood until the pageant starts. And then she can be a bitch on wheels? Is this really fun for anyone? When they are finished Kailee wants to run down the hall. “Pageant girls don’t run in their dresses,” Sara tells her, but they do put out in high school, she forgets to add.
Elyse tells us she woke up at 6:30 in the morning which is like sleeping in for me so I don’t want to hear her martyr story, and now is attempting to get eyelashes on one of her divas. They have hired a professional makeup artist to make sure the girls are as glamorous as they can be. Paris and Sterling’s family and friends are all wearing t-shirts supporting them and I guess it is kind of cool that the family does this. I guess.
Skylar, on the other hand, has two people working on her for hair and makeup, as well as make her clothes including the hideous cop costume she’ll be sporting today. “It’s a major transformation,” Kimberly says. So was the burning of Rome. Now here comes the real crazy…
“I got up at 6:30 this morning,” Kimberly says, then sips a Red Bull. It shows her bugging her eyes out as she dresses Skylar. “I’m extremely nervous,” she interviews, looking at her watch, twitching, pulling her hair back into a ponytail, telling her daughter how hot she looks, then grabbing a water and complaining about not being able to practice at all because they’ve been so busy trying to come down off the Red Bull high. Skylar looks very bored, detached, and confused. Red Bull did not give her wings.
“Skylar is not nervous at all and she’s very happy pageant day is here,” Kimberly lies, telling us how she really feels with no consideration for her daughter who clearly would rather be at home digesting Nickelodeon and Boo-Berry.
Here’s Elyse and family in a prayer circle. Oh brother. “Heavenly Father, we axe that you guide my girls onstage today and help them bring home the biggest crown ever,” she prays. Because the good Lord has NOTHING BETTER TO DO what with all the war, famine, and other messes we’ve managed to get ourselves into, than to make sure your daughters win the Grand Supreme Deluxe, hold the Satan. I have absolutely no tolerance…well, for anything, really…but in particular when people invoke the name of the Lord to get them something. If that worked, I would have won MegaMillions on Friday and would not have to wake up before 6:30 in the morning ever again! AMEN.
Dear Lord, Please help our daughter to value physical beauty over anything else. Thanks.
Elyse and her entourage are waiting at the elevator when crisis hits – fingernails are missing! A three year old is missing fake fingernails? The first place I’d look is up her nose. When they get back to the room double-crisis! Sterling is missing nails too. Oh, dear Lord, why have you forsaken this family when all we wanted were crowns and glory greater than yours? WHY? They prefer their crowns with rhinestones, not thorns, just FYI.
Pageant time! Here’s the best part – 44 contestants and most of them look like they are freaking out. Let’s count…seven kids are freaking out, although 3 may be the same girl in the hot pink dress. I’m pretty sure I was behind her in the checkout the other day.
Jodie Foster gives us the bullshit line on having the “total package” but once again, the girls are being judged on their beauty because if they were judged on their total package, they’d all lose since they all pretty much act like bridezillas offstage.
Paris is up first but is throwing a fit that she has to go second. Here’s the weird thing, all the girls in her group seem to go onstage alone, but Elyse goes up with her. Elyse, next time consider something other than an oversized t-shirt, leggings, and gym shoes. You look like a hot mess. Paris is running around like she forgot her Ritalin today although she does know how to work the smile. The only problem? Her mother has to drag her offstage. Seriously, her mother goes to walk off the stage and Paris pulls her back, tries to wiggle out of her grip, and throws a bloody fit when Elyse grabs her and carries her off.
There’s your whole package, judges.
Next up? Sterling. She’s cute but not as cute as Paris, to be honest. “She has what it takes,” her mother says. Meh, maybe. At least her family likes her. Or they are really good at faking.
Over at batshit crazy central, Skylar is begging her mother to go onstage with her. Kimberly is all like, “look at them, they’re all going up on their own!” but Skylar is having none of it. The kid is scared. Clearly this kid does not want to do this. Kimberly is trying to get her focused, but geez. When her name is called, Kimberly shoves her onstage and Skylar smiles like a trained poodle. Arf.
“During beauty, I could tell from the first that she was off some,” Kimberly says. Ya think??? “Panic sets in,” she says. HOW THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOUR KID FEELS? Skylar starts to look scared, is nervous about hitting her mark, and Kimberly begins to make the face that I do when I have to wear my mouth guard at night – duckface! Except she’s on camera in front of a national audience and I only have to face my dogs.
“From Skylar’s beauty, we are going to have to do really well on outfit of choice,” Kimberly laments. Well, the important thing is your daughter will look like a stripper and will insult police everywhere during that segment of the competition, so I think you’re a shoo-in for Double Dip Supreme with Sprinkles. See how I changed it to an ice cream prize? I’m all about the food.
“I think beauty is really important,” Sara interviews, clearly oblivious to the fact they are called BEAUTY pageants. Kailee is up and she’s cute. She seems a little stiff onstage and she’s not as glam as the other girls. Plus, she’s wearing her own hair and you know what that means…yawn! She’s pretty boring compared to others we’ve seen, but her face is cute.
Next up? Outfit of choice. More “Walk of the Baby Elephant” music. I love you, TLC. Kimberly starts pontificating about Skylar’s police outfit that has a lot of bling and “humor” as she reminds us with the “Bad cop/No donuts” things. She is really proud of herself for that, isn’t she? Enjoy getting mugged in your front yard, Kimberly.
Jodie Foster interviews that outfit of choice “shows the girls’ personalities” and by “girls’” she means “the moms’ ” personalities. “A lot of girls will come out and shake their hips and do certain moves,” she says. So do hookers trying to grab a john’s attention. Oh! There’s kid number 8 throwing herself on the floor.
She will be as long as you don’t f this up. Otherwise, you’re out of the house.
Paris is up in a sailor outfit and Elyse is right behind her because really, it’s about her. She directs her too loudly and to be honest, I’d take points off for Elyse being there. Paris does work it and Sterling looks a little jealous. Sterling is up next. “I like my fire chief outfit because I think it’s sexy,” she says. Or she says “sassy,” I can’t really tell, although “sassy” would make more sense coming from a five year old. So I’m not sure which she said. I’m especially confused when she pretends to hose down the judges. One sentence you should never hear a mother say to her five year old daughter? “Hose ‘em down, baby!” Don’t be surprised when she’s hosing down people for a living. Then she purses her lips and blows. Nice touch.
Sirens! You know what that means. “We don’t have to do our whole routine,” Kimberly says, “we’ll just do our Xs and twist.” It’s not “our” routine, Kimberly, it’s Skylar’s and she sure as hell doesn’t want to do it. Oh, good, Skylar has a baton to twirl around. “Flick our keys!” Kimberly says, flicking near her nipple. Is Skylar wearing pasties with tassles? “Hold out your cuffs, or something,” she says. I think Kimberly has plans for this costume later. Poor Brett.
Mother of God, this is wrong on so many levels.
Skylar is up next. She works it like a stripper….shakes her hips and ass, points her baton at people like a gun, and wiggles all over the stage. It’s pretty sick. “I know people think I’m just crazy when I’m doing my routines,” she says, catching herself and correcting, “Skylar’s routines, they ain’t mine,” she laughs are her total and complete Freudian slip. Because sometimes a police baton is a just a vibrator. Skylar is so into her routine she tosses her arms aside and the baton goes flying. Does she know Stacy from last season? Duck!
Kimberly continues doing the WHOLE routine and I’m surprised she doesn’t take someone’s eye out. She’s flailing all over the place, gets down into not-even-close-to-being-splits, makes the weirdest faces, and I’m hoping she takes some ludes for the way home because she is just TOO HOPPED UP. The splits Skylar does at the end of the routine are a nice touch for the pedophiles in the audience.
Somewhere, somehow, someone is turned on by this.
“Skylar did great during her cop routine, and that helped put us back in the game,” she says. Don’t be surprised if your car has a pricey ticket on the window and a boot on the wheel when you get out to the parking lot later. The cops could help you, but you know, they’re eating DONUTS.
Oh, the humanity!
Oh yikes, Kailee is doing a rocker routine and she’s wearing a chartreuse green dominatrix top. She’s shaking her hips and sticking out her belly the way no little kid should. Put your leg down, no one needs to see that! She loves being a rocker and I love not having to watch this too long. Her mother cried a little during her routine. Probably because she realizes she spent $9,000 this year and all she has to show for it is a half-naked child on her way to becoming Courtney Love without the “talent.”
Crowning time! With 44 girls and everyone getting an award, this should be painless. One of the judges said, “There was a lot of girls and a lot of competition, so I’se anxious to see who gonna win.” Well, I can tell you grammar has lost completely.
Kailee begins to bitch about the smaller crowns and how she really wants a big one. Elyse says she’s biting her nails. Or she’s biting the nails she found on the floor when they fell off her kids’ hands. Jodie Foster tells us that if you haven’t been called for one of the hundreds of awards they give out in the first round you are still eligible for the super supreme crown. I am scared that these rules are starting to makes sense.
All the kids have to be onstage. Mini-Miss Group B (seriously? Group B?), the announcer says, “Best Model,” and Paris raises her hand. Yeah, you have to WAIT for your name to be called. And it’s not – it’s someone else. Why is her mother the only one up there with the other three girls? And why is one of the girls so large she looks like a tub of Chubb? Elyse smacks Paris’s hand down. First runner up? Not Paris. PUT YOUR HAND DOWN. Tub-o-Chubb gets this one. Mini-Miss Group B Queen (how specific! How special!), PARIS! She wins! Which means she loses the higher crown! Sterling is pissed at her sister winning. “I’m gonna win queen too,” she says. Shut up, you brat.
Tiny-Miss Group A…Most Beautiful? Sterling. Model winner? Sterling. Best Dressed? Sterling. Prettiest Hair? Sterling. (Shouldn’t that be “Prettiest Magic Hair”?). Kimberly is pissed but says that Sterling does have stage presence. Plus, she actually LIKES being there, unlike Skylar. “I’m wondering if Skylar is going to place in her group, win her group, or win anything…” I’m thinking no because it was pretty clear she didn’t want to be there and by definition does not have “the whole package.” Tiny Miss Group A Queen? Not our gals. Which of course means they may go on to win the top award.
“OMG! O-M-G!” Elyse says/spells. She knows what this means…losing could mean winning! Let’s see how Sterling is handling this great news. “I was thinking in my mind I would win Queen,” she bitches. Her mother tries to explain how losing means winning and not getting a prize now means a bigger prize at the end, but Sterling is having none of it. Truth is, you know she thinks her little sister beat her in the competition because she won queen and that’s all she can focus on.
Sterling starts to cry and Paris “is having a panic attack” according to her mother. I would just call it a temper tantrum. She has to take them both out of the pageant room. So that’s eight and nine, then the editors show us kids ten and eleven that have reached their breaking point. So we’re at about 25% nervous breakdown on contestants right now.
OH THEY BETTER CALL MY DAMN NAME, BIATCH!
Tiny Miss Group B contestants are up. Prettiest smile? Not Kailee. Prettiest eyes? Kailee! Queen? Kailee! I’m sort of surprised on this one, but I didn’t see how the other girls performed. Kailee is pissed because she got the small crown not the big crown. That will be a great story when you are working at the local soft serve shack in a few years. Sara is happy with that. For $9,000 a year, she really needs to aim a little higher, don’t you think? Seems like $4,000 could get you a small crown.
Sterling is throwing a fit about not winning queen and I want to smack this kid into next week. They go back into the pageant room for supreme deep dish crowning. First up, Novice Supreme…and it’s Sterling! She finally gets what she wants just like life is totally NOT going to be, and now she’s all smiles and giggles. Brat. Elyse is thrilled. Sterling screams, “I WON!” Whatever, you little monster. Your hormonal teen years are going to be a freakin’ nightmare if this is any indication of your mood swings.
Mini Supremes next. Four to nine age group…the winner is…Skylar! WTF? Skylar interviews something unintelligible but you can tell her mother is thrilled. I am totally shocked Skylar won, I thought she was like driftwood onstage, but maybe her mother is right – the cop uniform sealed the deal. “Yay!” Kimberly says. You know she’ll be wearing the crown home when she pulls it off of Skylar’s sleeping head. Ultimate Grand Supreme $500 cash winner is…some three year old who was totally not glam. Are you kidding me?
Where the hell did she come from, the lobby?
“I didn’t expect really much of anything,” Sara says, “not to say anything bad about Kailee, but I’ve learned not to expect things because you’ll never know how it will turn out.” WHAT? She WON a CROWN. What are you complaining about? I mean, I know the Ultimate Grand Supreme winner looks like some kid down at the playground who is eating sand, but…WHAT? I don’t even get your problem, lady, except that I could spend your $9,000 a year more wisely.
“Tonight I can get a good night’s rest,” Elyse sighs, “knowing that my little divas pulled it off.” And that they were such good sports and klassy about everything. Kimberly is “tired” and “happy.” She and Elyse hug. Elyse says they didn’t win any money this time, “But we won’t win until we get that cash!” Why not just pimp them out? So much faster and the cash is guaranteed.
Next week – looks like tons of drama and the replacement of some if not ALL judges at a pageant. They make it seem dramatic, but I’m guessing the judges all got drunk at the hotel bar during a break and can’t add up the scores. See you then!