Toddlers & Tiaras: Karma’s a Bitch and So Are You!

This week’s Toddlers & Tiaras brings us back to the heart of our country, West Virginia for the YEEE-HAAA! Outlaws Pageant, sponsored by Taze-Her, the only taser made specifically for pageant competitors, a Trump Product. And guess who’s coming to dinner? Debbie Moss, grandmother of Kailee with two E’s from a couple of episodes ago, who is the pageant director! Kids, guns, and heated debate, the perfect storm of pageanting!

She’s baaack!

“This is our first Outlaw pageant,” Debbie says as a sign shows us the official title “USA Glitz Outlaw Roundup.” First outlaw pageant? I’m guessing Debbie is unfamiliar with our prison systems! “It’s whatever the old west used to be…we’re bringing it back!” Just like Young Guns II where all the brat pack actors who were killed in the first movie come back to life like zombies, much like Andrew McCarthy when he acts.

Then TLC does the coolest thing, they show all the girls in the cowgirl outfits shooting their fingers like guns and the picture on the screen shows bullet holes – like people put on their cars. Getting shot is funny and so visual! Thanks TLC, it’s the details that really make the show.

Debbie says the pageants in West Virginia are fun and they give away nice awards, and as we all know that is usually 3 awards for each participant as well as for the people walking too closely to the conference room where the pageant is being held. She tells us that the judges are looking for confidence and poise…but she doesn’t say the whole package and thank God because that song and dance is played out.

Over in Memphis, Michigan, (wait…what?), we meet the totally hilarious crack up kid of the episode as she says in a very animated way, “Prettiest hair, prettiest everything, prettiest eyes…” Isabella, our first bespectacled contestant, age 6. Her brother is bouncing on the bed in the background. Stop being normal!

Just doing pageants til a musical dinner theater opens in town.

Isabella’s mother Tammy is hiding behind a huge head. Of hair. “I can’t wait to see my daughter up on stage,” she tells us. We see her sitting on Isabella’s bed while Isabella tells us about her sashes and crowns, including, “This one has a stain,” hahaha! Leave it to kids and single women to stain their clothes with ketchup.

Isabella is quite a ham and you can totally tell this kid knows who she is and will be. And she will be head of her drama club and the A/V club, a totally cute nerd who will end up being a looker when she’s in pre-med. Her mother voices over that she’s seen Isabella get both dead last and highest score in pageants. Either way, she still gets a crown!

“As far as her being a high-glitz total package pageant kid, I’m not sure she’s there at this point,” her mother fesses up, not realizing that is a compliment and probably a good thing. Yeah, because your kid has a personality beyond the pageants. Something tells me Isabella will probably kick ass in karate. She just has that personality.

That hair is so big it has its own light.

Over in Martin, Kentucky, we meet Haley, age 6, who only speaks in clichés: “My name is Haley and I am going to shoot down the competition,” she says. Way to prep her for the interview, pageant mom. We see footage of her blastin’ a cap in the ass of a soda can as she interviews she takes glitz pageants “very seriously.” We believe you, don’t shoot! And put a cigarette in your mouth, you are in Kentucky.

She seems normal, but they all do at first.

Haley’s mom, Melissa, interviews that Haley won her first pageant at the age of 9 months “at the Hillbilly Pageant.” Sweet, merciful crap, are you kidding me? Do you really want to win the Hillbilly Pageant? Doesn’t that just make you a more glamorous HILLBILLY? Turns out Haley slept through her win. Just like a hillbilly, I guess.

Haley has won all but 2 or 3 of the pageants she’s been in. “I’m very competititititive,” she stumbles. “I never lose,” she says. Except for those 2 or 3 times your mom just mentioned, let’s not forget those. Also, a little humility wouldn’t kill you, although I’m guessing karma is coming back to get you soon. I know those teeth. I had those teeth. Enjoy headgear, 4 years of braces, two years in a retainer, and then 25 years later grinding those beauties down to nubs because of not meeting Maslow’s hierarchy of needs in satisfaction with your job.

Back over in Charleston, West Virginia, one of my favorite state capitals because why now? Anyone remember? The state capital building is covered in REAL GOLD LEAF. That totally makes up for the public school kids’ reading comprehension level of Forrest Gump. We meet 5 year old Jayden who “just looooves pageants,” she says. She reminds me of a Barbie doll.

Her mother, Lurch (seriously, TLC, spend the money on concealer for Christ’s sake), tells us that she has competed in over 150 pageants in her lifetime. That’s 30 a year. I barely clean my house that often. She says she entered Jayden into pageants because everyone thought Jayden was cute, then her mother admits to being “bitten by the pageant bug.” Honey, get an epi pen because you are clearly having an allergic reaction by the way you are swelling up.

You rang? Oh, you need your makeup done? Let me call Thing.

“Hey baby,” says Coach Kim as she walks into Jayden’s front door. I don’t know why, but that was really creepy. She is coaching Jayden through her western wear routine. Jayden gets her hat, pretends her left hand is a gun, and tilts her hat up with her other hand’s pointy finger…just like every other girl at this pageant is probably going to do.

Jayden tells us this is a new routine and Coach Kim tells us she’s doing exceptionally well. What we see, however, is Jayden falling into the entertainment center then doing the worst cartwheel ever in the history of the world, similar to one I would do now. “When people hear she’s coming to a pageant,” Coach Kim tells us, “they know she’s going to take one of the crowns.” Well, it ain’t for talent, that’s for damn sure.

Unless there’s a Jack Tripper award.

“If something happens and you mess up,” Coach Kim coaches, “we don’t care. You just keep going.” Wow, she’s as supportive a coach as Bobby Knight! Jayden interviews, “I’m gonna rock it out!” Oh good, more clichés. Like I don’t hear enough of that shit at work. I’ve got your thinking outside the box right here!

Back over in Keeeentucky, Melissa let’s the truth come out: “Being in glitz pageants is like going to the prom every weekend.” There it is – people who cannot leave high school. Every weekend is not the prom. It’s yard work and bills and cleaning – oh, wait, I may understand this pageant thing after all!

“Pageants may be a little shocking if you are new,” Melissa says, after going through a trunk filled with hair, makeup, nails, glitter, a flipper, and probably a few dead spiders. “If you’re going to play the game, you gotta do it!” Oh! Almost a cliché, better try next time.

“Haley has an advantage over the other girls because she’s been doing pageants since she was in diapers,” Melissa says. Look, you aren’t the only scarring your kid from birth, lots of mothers do. In fact, all of them do, and not just via pageants. Unless MY mother is reading this, then that is totally not true. (Gasmii – meet me at camera 3: it totally is!).

Haley says she loves competing in pageants because she shows pictures to everyone “and they don’t think it’s me.” Uh…how is that a good thing? They flash over to a picture of her that is so airbrushed it almost looks like an avatar or that weird guy in California who is addicted to plastic surgery…

Seriously, rein it in, dude.

We’re back with Isabella who is introducing her brother as a singer by pulling back the curtain (a.k.a. sheets) from the top of the bunkbed. She is totally president of the drama club! Her brother starts playing guitar with reckless abandon. HAHAHA!

Isabella says her favorite part of pageants is that “onstage I feel like a rockstar.” Strung out and full of VD? She is playing up to the two cameras TLC has in her room while her brother jumps on her bed playing guitar. This kid is freakin’ hilarious and she’s much nicer to her brother than she really should be, I mean, what is that about? She finishes her little show and says, “Thank you, thank you everybody, you’re too kind.” SNL, here she comes.

Tammy says that Isabella has worn her glasses in pageants a couple of times, but you know the rules. Pageant girls who wear glasses never get sashes! And no, it doesn’t depend on their frames! “I think it’s important for her to be herself,” Tammy says. I think it’s important that your kid not fall of the stage and get stitches, but let’s go with your theory.

If she does the pull the tutu out of the ass crack in front of the judges, she deserves an Emmy.

Back in Charleston, Coach Kim is working on Jayden’s hairpiece as Lurch interviews that to compete in a glitz pageant you need the hair, makeup, fake eyelashes…everything. Lurch might consider some of those for herself, God, I want to go make a school lunch just looking at those brown bags around her eyes.

Unfortunately, Coach Kim won’t be at the pageant so Lurch has to do Jayden’s hair and makeup. Or, they could just stay home and avoid the humiliation. Coach Kim wants to give Lurch some tips so she won’t be so nervous and/or so she’ll take care of herself at the pageant instead of looking like she would like to eat brains! BRAINS!

Coach Kim suggests straightening up Jayden’s eyebrows (unibrow alert!) and Jayden whines. Turns out she’s no fan of the Sham-Browâ„¢ because she’s afraid someone will poke her in the eye. No worries – are you following her, camera guy? Get footage of the eye-poker!

She whines and twists and turns…it’s like when I give my dogs a bath. I won’t spray you in the face, but when your twist and squirm, guess what? Water in the face! Why don’t they just sham her brows when she’s sleeping? Doyeee. Lurch says, “She wants what she wants, she’s a little diva.” Or a brat. Tomato, tomahto.

Me thinks you’ve done enough tanning for everyone, hon.

Back at Isabella’s house, her coach, Jessica shows up to go over her dance routine. Isabella, working as a Time-Life operator with her headset on, interviews that Coach Jessica helps her a lot. Isabella does her routine for her mom and Coach Jessica to see. Still wearing her headset (hey, someone has to work to afford those dresses), she says she loves practicing.

Tammy is concerned about the routine because Isabella has only been practicing for a few days. Coach Jessica wants the movements to be sharper, but I think Isabella’s improvisational skills are probably going to save the day. She admits that she just made something up in her routine. Faker!

“I’m Jayden, and I’m going to RULE the outlaw pageant!” SO MANY CLICHÉS! Jayden is at the local Vietnamese mani-pedi sweatshop, wearing shades and sitting in a butterfly chair that is totally cool and I must have one! The lady doing her pedicure is probably a medical doctor who cannot get certified here in the states is scrubbing Jayden’s feet. That has to be gross because little kids are usually a hot mess on their feet from running around barefoot all the time. I want to do a paraffin foot wrap just thinking about it!

There was a time that this would have been called racist.

Lurch interviews that Jayden has an advantage over the other girls because she’s so pretty. Uh, it’s a beauty pageant, all the girls are pretty in that sort of sick adult-head-on-kid-body way. She says that Jayden comes home from school and says everyone likes her because she’s a beauty queen. Ironically, that is why the same girls will hate her in junior high. Girls are so fickle. No we’re not!

“I wouldn’t say I would spoil Jayden,” Lurch says, “she just gets what she wants.” Yeah, that’s spoiling, dumbass. Also, I would totally let George Clooney not spoil me. And I want what I saw in Solaris. Jayden calls herself a diva numerous times and the only reason I don’t throw something at the TV is because I just don’t have the energy.

Over at “Heads to Toe’z” where everything is more fun with a Z, Haley is getting highlights which is so, so, so wrong on 6 year old hair. “I think Haley wins because she is very facially beautiful,” her mother says. Sadly, she is bodily horrendous. “But Haley has a very average hair color, so I thought the highlights would help brighten her face and accent her eyes.” Translation: Make her look like a Mini-Me.

They key to being above average: highlights!

“Haley is my whole world,” Melissa says. “I’m all about what she’s about.” Thank you for confirming why I am childless. I’m my whole world and I like it. I also like total control of the remote, sleeping in, and not having to hear Raffi music for the third hour in a row. But that’s just me.

“I’m blonde!” Haley says, then matches her hair to her mother’s. “My mom is my best friend,” she says. That is never a good idea, folks, makes it hard to discipline your kid.

The transformation is almost complete!

Back in Michigan, Isabella and her mother pack up for the big drive to West Virginia. Didn’t the pageants in Michigan get any of the bailout money the carmakers did? That doesn’t seem fair. “I have heard that southern pageants can be very competitive,” Tammy says, “so I’m a little nervous that she may not be what they’re expecting.” Yes, they are expecting her to show up in a Union uniform with a bayonet and an unnatural addiction to freeing slaves. You’ll be glad to know Isabella is in the back seat, in a booster seat, I think, and completely buckled in, much safer than last week’s sore loser.

Oh sweet Moses! Jayden’s western wear is here and it’s completely bedazzled. The boots, however, are a little large. And the outfit sort of makes her look like she should be in Coyote Ugly II: The Early Years. The big concern is that Jayden will do a cartwheel and her boot will fly off. What would make it more awesome is if the boot flew off and knocked out a judge. I would totally pay the entrance fee to see that…and get a sash!

Jayden tries to do her routine, her boot came off but I think she did it on purpose. Jayden does a cartwheel and she sucks and blows at the same time…just awful. How do little kids not know how to do that? You’d think her mother would show her how to…nevermind.

I showed her how to roll out of bed and reach for a stick of beef jerky. I’m done.

Over at Haley’s, Melissa is sitting next to Haley’s dad…no, wait, that’s a miniature pincher…and introduces Haley like at the pageant. I think I’m going to ask people at work to do that for me before I enter conference rooms for meetings. Melissa reminds us that this is a full-glitz pageant, and the judges are looking for “sheer perfection from head to toe.” Wow, two Clooney references in one recap!

Then Melissa completely confuses Haley by telling her to make a big circle with her face, but uses her hands to do it. Haley sort of does it but her head goes into seizures or something. “Just with your face. Make a circle with your face,” Melissa says. Haley continues to seize. Seriously, what the hell do you mean, Michelle? How about getting off your ass and SHOWING her instead of miming it?

“If I lose this weekend, I’ll be upset,” Haley says. Really? Because you are kind of flat in the emotion department, so I’m not sure how we’d really know. Her mother tells us Haley is her own worst critic, then says, “You’re not smiling big enough.” Thanks, Siskel & Ebert.

The face circle. Don’t try this at home.

The night before the pageant, we’re at West Virginia State University…really? In West Virginia? Good for you kids! Isabella’s mother brings her to the lady who is doing the tanning for the pageant. Tammy asks for just a little bit of color but tanning lady goes all out and pretty much paints Isabella brown. In fact, she hoses her with so much tanning spray, she has to get out a paint roller and rub it in. Doesn’t the FDA have guidelines for things like this or at the least, tanning certifications?

“Oh my,” Tammy says as her daughter becomes crayon color Burnt Umber. “I don’t usually like her too dark,” Tammy says. That’s how the Republicans feel about their President. Tammy is a little freaked about how dark Isabella is and I would agree – her face is white and her body is brownberry and it looks freakish. Tammy, you might consider getting a backbone and letting people know what you like and don’t like. Tanning lady doesn’t help things by saying, “When she wakes up, she’ll be even darker than this.” Wait – is this some kind of southern conspiracy against Yankee pageant girls?

“Maybe it’s a little different down in the south,” Tammy says. Actually, it’s WEST Virginia, not South Virginia or even Virginia. It’s not like some moron is going to yell “YOU LIE!” at Isabella when she comes onstage with fingers instead of guns. Tammy giggles. “She’ll take about an hour to dry, then she’ll go to bed.” An HOUR to dry? Waaay too much spray.

Back in Charleston for pageant day! YAY! Pageant Director Debbie reiterates that this is the first Outlaw Pageant and she’s very excited to see the girls onstage. She says the top girl will need to score high in beauty and western wear, but thank God not talent. She tells us the pageant industry is a billion-dollar industry and “if Donald Trump believes in it then it’s gotta be good.” Yeah, you are talking about the only man who ever owned a casino that lost money. Also, he believes his hair looks good but most dogs wouldn’t even mount it if given the chance.

Just give this kid the crown and roll credits.

Isabella says, “In the outlaw, I think it’s cowboys and cowgirls, cow kitties, cow cameras, cow cameras, cow stage, cow everything…” nothing gets by this kid. Debbie welcomes Jayden to the competition and Haley shows up with a styrofoam head full of curled hair.

Tammy says Isabella woke up very dark this morning. “Apparently the tan darkens overnight,” she says. No shit, Dick Tracy, that’s what the lady said. But they rinsed her down to make her a normal color. Isabella’s hair is being done by tanning lady, probably not a good choice but you probably already paid so let’s just fix the mess she’s making and call it a day.

Tanning lady asks Tammy if Isabella’s bangs are okay, and instead of saying, “No, I’d prefer them…” she makes a face like she smells skunk (could be!). Hey, passive aggressivo, why not tell her what you want? “Something’s funky and I can’t put my finger on it,” Tammy says. Is it the hair? Because those bangs suck it big. Tanning lady tells Tammy, “Just tell me what you want,” and Tammy stupidly says, “Just make them look good.” In whose eyes, Tammy? Yours? The Judges? God’s? He is judging the big pageant, you know.

Oh great, Melissa is going after Haley’s eyebrows with the ShamBrowâ„¢ and Haley is freaking. Melissa interviews, “I like to be the best.” You know YOU’RE not competing, don’t you?

Sham-Browâ„¢ doesn’t disappear just

because you close your eyes!

Rut-roh! Lurch is applying Jayden’s makeup and you know there is going to be trouble with a capital T. Jayden interviews that makes her nervous. We know. We’ve seen your mom. There’s no total package. Jayden says, “My hair’s going to look like a mess.” Nice support, Jayden. If I were Lurch, I would totally hurl a lugey into Jayden’s hair and be like, “You’re done!” Brat. Jayden keeps whining and look at the camera. Is there something wrong with her? “I’m going to look like a big wreck,” she says. Here’s hoping you little monster.

To match your personality.

The announcer, a dead-ringer for Loretta Lynn in the voice department, welcomes everyone to the pageant and we’re off like a herd of turtles! Debbie says the judges are going to have a hard time picking out the winner. I think their best bet is to find the TOTAL PACKAGE and vote on that kid. The announcer opens with the beauty competition and her voice is very soooooothing.

Beauty Wear! Kids freaking out, crying, waving, smiling, pooping in their pants (or thinking real hard, I’m not sure which), and basically trying to figure out what the hell is going on. One child is told “Don’t fall off the stage.” Did we just switch to the talent competition?

Pick your teeth backstage. So gauche.

Back in Passive-Aggressivo, USA, Tammy says, “Seems a shame to put on eyelashes when her real ones are so long.” Translation: I don’t like fake eyelashes and I’m telling you without hurting your feelings and I need you to validate why you are putting those on so I feel better. Actually, Tammy’s sentence was shorter so never mind.

“I know they show better onstage,” she justifies to herself…the only person still listening to her. “Just make sure she looks like herself,” she warns Tanning Lady. I would be like bitch, do YOU want to do this? Then sit down and shut the hell up before I jam these fake eyelashes so far up your ass you’re colon will be giving your stomach butterfly kisses. But I do feel bad for Isabella – she looks like one of the Village of the Damned Pageant Girls and has lost her funny charm.

But the headset made the look!

Jayden continues the whine fest as her mother is buttoning up her dress. “You’re hurting me,” she says. Oh bite the big one you brat. “I’m not nervous today, I’m gonna win,” she says. Please, please, please let her lose.

In ways you won’t understand until your thirties.

The announcer brings out the four to five year old group and says about one of the girls, “She wants to grow up and marry a rich man.” There’s a goal for you! Impressive! Another girl’s favorite food is pickles. Here’s hoping we’re all downwind of her after lunch.

“Jayden wins quite a bit of pageants,” Lurch says, adding that you never know what the judges are looking for. It’s usually the total package, I’ve heard, but you NEVER know. Jayden is our first girl up and I have to tell you, she’s really pretty…when she remembers to smile. She totally reminds me of a glam Barbie with the shape of her face and head – almost retro 1950s Barbie.

Melissa is teasing Haley’s hair and Haley’s whining. Somebody smack these kids. She says, “Pageants have given Haley confidence. If you pay her a compliment, she’s like ‘I know,’” and I’m thinking that’s not so much confidence as arrogance. Sometimes people can’t tell the difference but EVERYONE ELSE AROUND YOU CAN. “I am perfect,” she says. Hope she comes in last. She looks in the mirror, smiles, and tilts her head to look like one of those fakey child pageant photographs. Ick!

Up next? Six to 8 year old girls. The announcer tells us about the girls: “Her hobbies are church, pageants, and cheerleading.” Church would be the worst hobby ever! Expensive and no fun. Another girl likes to hunt with her dad and watch Hannah Montana. That’s so funny, I like hunting Hannah Montana!

Isabella walks onstage somewhat stiffly but her face is so full of life and her smile is genuine. I adore this kid. Not that I want her in the booth next to me at brunch, she’s probably pretty rambunctious and would bring her twitchy brother with her, but she’s cute to watch. Tammy is thrilled because “she did so much better than I thought she would.” Try not to let her hear that or watch this show when it airs.

Cutest EVER

Melissa interviews, “You have to nail beauty. Go glitz or go home.” Cliché, cliché, cliché. She high-fives Haley who tells us she’s going to do “very good….and win.” She leans forward and looks like a meth addict. Her mother tells us Haley thinks she can do anything. Walk on the moon? No? Then I’d re-phrase! Melissa thinks Haley did great onstage. We’ll see.

Western Wear! Jayden says, “We’re never going to make the pageant” and her mother has to remind her that they are AT the pageant. Then Jayden says, “Lieutenant Dan, IIIICE CREEEEAM!” They shove her into her outfit with oversized boots and hope for the best.

Lt. Dan looks like I felt watching Jayden.

The competition begins and there’s a lot of BANG! BANG! from each contestant. One girls shows her hiney with a heart patch-pocket. Oh, good thinking, Jayden is shoving paper towels in her boots. Try your training bra next.

One of the girls shows up in a Native American costume, but one of the other girls gives her lipstick laced with smallpox and she’s out of the competition!

Jayden tells us she’s going to rock it out and try to win the pageant. Please, no more clichés! Rock it out somewhere else!

Jayden goes onstage and does her routine, lifting her hat with her finger. She does a little hoe (ho?)-down dance, a cartwheel, then picks up the tissue that fell out of her boot and walks offstage. Her mother tells us Jayden “rocked it out,” to which Jayden says, “I rocked it out.” You know what I want to rock out? Your head. Now shut the hell up. Then she starts up with “I did good! I did good! I did good!” I can overlook the grammar – she’s six – but the hip rocking? Stop the world, I want to get off. That’s what HE said.

We’ll be taking your land now. Thanks for coming.

Finally – Isabella! She interviews, “Hi! I…am……….weird. I’m weird!” J’adore and enjoy the A/V club. Tammy is trying to go over her routine with her, but no matter – she’ll do her thing right or wrong.

Melissa tells us that Haley is”very ambitious and very diligent for her age.” Haley tells us she never gets nervous because she doesn’t work at her routine. Wh-huh? Did anyone else understand that logic? They start the competition.

Where did chubby girl come from? Odd. Haley is up first and her mother says the world “stops spinning for those ninety seconds she’s onstage.” I wish I could stop the world from spinning, or I’d make it spin backwards like in Superman where Lois Lane parks on the fault line and gets swallowed up and dies until Superman flies backwards so angrily he makes the world go back in time but just smiles at her when she’s yelling instead of politely asking her to park somewhere else. But I digress away from commenting that I want to smack Haley.

“Today, everything I did was perfect,” she says. I hope she perfectly loses, because this kid needs to be taken down a notch or two or fifty. “I do think I’m gonna win,” she says with dead eyes and voice. Super, can’t wait.

Well, there’s always roller derby.

Tammy interviews she thinks Isabella will do well despite the fact that her routine isn’t really ready because she hasn’t practiced. No worries, Tammy, you didn’t drive that far for the pageant, did you? Oh wait, you DID. Should have come prepared!

Isabella gets out there and tears it up, makes great faces, dances her ass off, and basically does a great job. Then she interviews that she forgot her whole routine so she just went out there and went crazy. Holy shit, that’s some confidence and totally hilarious! I do that in meetings all the time but am not usually that graceful. Tammy cracks up.

I’m doing this next time I’m late on a project.

Offstage, Tammy grabs Isabella and hugs her saying how proud she is of her. “That was just truly genuine,” Tammy says and I believe her. That kid has something they call gumption. And Tina Fey talent. Lucky kid!

Debbie is pulling together paperwork and has a totally cool rhinestone pin that has a crown with “Director” under it. You know who doesn’t have one of those? I mean, besides me? That crazy pageant director from last week who had to keep starting over and lost pageant people after hour 18 of their capture.

“We’ll meet back here in 45 minutes for crowning,” says the announcer. I do know this pageant was smaller than crazy bitch’s last week, but damn – gotta hand it to her, Debbie runs a tight ship. Plus, she gives out teddy bears. Score! This pageant was pretty flawless and you know TLC would have shown it falling apart if it had.

“It is going to be so hard to determine the winners,” she says. “The scores have got to be tight.” Well, Debbie, I can predict the losers and I’ll give you a hint: It’s Haley and her arrogant attitude. They sort of tie for Ultimate Grand Supreme Hubris.

Crowning! Tammy says they are going to cross their fingers and hope for the best. Ironically, I know a lot of companies have that same strategy nowadays! “The best part of pageants is when I go to crowning and I win,” Haley says. What a bitch! Oh, I said it.

Up first? Four to five year olds. Prettiest Eyes? Not Jayden. Prettiest hair? Jayden! Most Beautiful & Photogenic? Jayden! Princess titles? Not Jayden! Queen? Not Jayden…which means she moves up to Highpoint title. Good for you Jayden, for losing!

Debbie, get your face on!

Next up…six to eight year olds. Prettiest Eyes? Isabella! Sweetest Face? Isabella! Prettiest Smile? Not our girls. Most Beautiful? Haley (who raises her hand highest of the high). Most Photogenic? Isabella! Princess? Not our girls. Queen? Not our girls, which means Isabella and Haley move onto the lightning round. Isabella is thrilled because she’s pretty sure she’s the only one who got a trophy for Sweetest Face. I think her trophy is her sweet face. Tammy is thrilled. “She did so much better than I could have hoped for.” Uh…okay. Nice. Hope higher, next time.

Melissa interviews that Haley was pulled out of her age group to go on to a higher title. Sitting down, Haley looks at the camera and says, “Yeah, I’m gonna win.” Enjoy losing, you just jinxed it you self-centered brataholic. “I AM GONNA WIN THE PAGEANT,” she says, jamming gum in her mouth. Hope it’s laced with Ex-Lax.

Debbie tells us the person who wins Ultimate Highpoint will get a 3 ½ foot trophy, with a rhinestone horse wearing its own crown (I think) plus the knowledge of winning the highest points. No cash? Aww Debbie! They call up the Highpoint potential winners. Haley, Jayden, and Isabella all get called up.

Best for Overall Western Wear? Isabella! Which is hilarious since she made up her whole routine on the fly! Tammy is shocked because she realizes southern pageants aren’t any more scary than northern pageants. The ones in Detroit, however, are another story and they will CUT you if you look at them wrong.

Practice faking it.

Outlaw pageant Overall Mini-Supreme? Haley! “Mini-Supreme?” Melissa semi-snots. Yes, Mini-Supreme. They would give you Maxi-Supreme, but Haley’s smugness already takes up too much space. “Haley placed third in the entire pageant with the Mini-Supreme title,” Melissa says, totally pissed off. How is that now? Is Queen higher than Mini-Supreme? I cannot keep these pizzas straight.

Ultimate High Grand Supreme Winner with Canadian Bacon? Jayden! What the…? Really? Lurch interviews that her favorite moment of the pageant was when Jayden won. Well doyee, you moron. “I thought I was going to lose,” Jayden says (nice confidence), “but then I won the whole pageant.”

Melissa says she was worried about Haley because she usually wins. Haley says, “Mini-Supreme? That’s the second highest title, right?” and her mother immediately smacks her down and says, “THIRD,” while holding up three fingers and giving Haley a look like “you lost!” Way to put her in her place, Melissa. And I still don’t get how that is third unless Queen comes before it.

Melissa says she wants Haley to win, but “if she don’t, she just don’t.” Maybe try the Hillbilly Pageant again, you’re language skills will fit in just perfectly.

Isabella is all excited about winning everything she did and making her mom cry. Tammy is so proud of her daughter and says, “I’m proud of her being unique because that makes her her.” Isn’t that what unique means? “I think that’s what the judges saw – that she was genuine.” My guess too.

Next week? BAT + SHIT = CRAZY next episode. Freaks galore. See you then!

You are so grounded.