Toddlers & Tiaras: Pageant Moms vs. Welfare Moms – Which is Worse? or How I Made Jamie Sterling Look Like a Good Mother

Hard to believe, but this episode of Toddlers & Tiaras takes the cake. A cake topped with rhinestones and filled with raspberry crazy, and so satisfying I almost needed an after-episode cigarette, but I don’t smoke so I just drank instead.

Ahoy, Gasmii!

We find ourselves at another Gold Coast pageant, this one located at the Anaheim Park hotel in Fullerton, California, which already makes no sense. Pageant director Barbara Thomas, whose bones are about to turn to dust, tells us the Gold Coast pageants have been going on for 32 years for a total of about 750 pageants. That’s a lot of damage.

This pageant is going to include over one hundred contestants, and Barbara tells us it’s not just about facial beauty, it’s about the SPARKLE! Or Sparkal, as we will soon be grammatically challenged to find out.

Wow. That’s some scary sparkle.

The highpoint winner will receive $500 in cash meaning she will still be about $3,267.13 in the hole when this whole fiasco of a wasted weekend is over. “I’d hate to be a judge,” she says, “they are going to have a hard time at this one.” Why, did someone forget the calculators?

Stay with us Babs.

Encino, California, home of Encino Man (I’m guessing), we meet our first crazy family. Michaela, age 8, will be leading us through this family which is a combination of two of my favorite shows, What Not to Wear and Clean House. Even Niecy couldn’t help this hot mess of a decorating nightmare. “I’m going to rock Gold Coast this weekend,” Michaela tells us. Yes, and I’m going to rock the sofa as a couch potato this weekend. Does anyone on this show not ROCK something?

Michaela’s Lesbian Dad

“You know what we need to do?” Michaela’s mother Margaux asks her. Uh, slap that midsection into some Spanx? I mean, I’m familiar with a poochie belly but I P90 that baby six times a week (I haven’t graduate to the “X” yet). “We’re adventurous in this family,” she says. Please keep your sex life out of this. “We do like to do things a little different than the average family likes to do.” That’s because the average family doesn’t surround itself in a Pirates of the Caribbean by La-Z-Boy.

Steve, the captain of this ship of doom, tells us that they love pirate stuff. They have skull and crossbones, ships, swords, a skeleton hand, and pirate paraphernalia everywhere. I get nervous about having too many seashells in my bathroom, but yes, this whole Captain Hook look is really awesome in house form.

“I’ve been doing pirate stuff in pageants for two years,” Michaela says, standing in front of a skull and crossbones – with a bow on the skull head. Yes, MUCH better. Although, gotta hand it to her, it is unusual. Dad Steve says he’s sure they’ve gotten some “funny looks.” Yes, and probably not just because of the pirate thing. “They’re thinking, ‘What are you thinking?’ ” he says, “and I’m thinking, ‘No, what are you thinking?’” I’m thinking I’d better find my Excedrin migraine meds right now.

“When pageants meet pirate, you end up with a glam pirate,” Margaux says. Or just people who prefer not to live among those of us in the real world. Which, I kind sort of understand. Sometimes it sucks here.

It’s all fun and games til the Navy takes your ass out.

In Las Vegas, we meet the grammatical nightmare of the episode, Sparkal Queenz, who is seven. Sparkal. Queenz. That’s not even her porn name, that’s just her name! For real! Way to make sure she’s answering the phones at the weave shop in the strip mall for the rest of her life. “I’m ready to live up to my name,” she says. Don’t worry, you will.

Sparkal and her dolls Shyne, Stahr, and Raneboe’

Her mother, Harmonee’ with an apostrophe for no reason (so it’s Harmonee”s when possessive? LORD!), tells us she was named Sparkal because when she was born, she had to decide between Sparkal and Brooklyn (Brooklyn Queenz? Brilliant, you MORONS!), and Sparkal looked at her and blinked her eyes several times. Why didn’t you just call her Batty? Sparkal has only done three pageants so far, probably because when they are searching for them on the internet they are looking under “Pajents” instead of pageants.

We meet Sparkal’s dad, Kevin (or is it Khevyn?) says they started this as a hobby and he was pleased “everyone had something to do so I could watch the game in peace…the NBA playoffs. And then it just progressed into something we all got involved with.” Ah, a Clippers fan are ya? Plenty of time on your hands.

In Orland, California, we meet the worst mother since Jamie Sterling but instead of being viciously mean, this one is just outright f#cking nuts and awful, and I have no doubt we will see her as either the victim or an accomplice when her daughter finally goes on the serial killing spree we all know she will. Have I given away too much? Let’s just say, this family is why some species eat their weak…and stupid…

…now pass me a fork! Make it a big one!

“I’m Julie Blair, and my daughter Cassidy is a firecracker onstage,” she says. And she’ll probably blow up a small animal with firecrackers someday if she already hasn’t. Julie decides to quiz Cassidy on her crowns, mostly for our sake, telling us that Cassidy was onstage at the age of two. Which is where she probably picked up the affectation that now is going to ruin her life. Julie tells us that Cassidy has competed in 100 to 150 pageants. Once again, money well-spent.

Cassidy interviews, “When I don’t win, I want to kick the winner’s booty and take the trophy.” Ha, ha…wait, what the hell? She looks like a cross between Dakota Fanning and Tanya Harding, sort of that odd combo between really cute and pure evil. Julie puts on a crown and says to Cassidy, “This…is for putting up with you.” She laughs. I bet the social worker will too.

And for putting up with you I get ruined childhood, false sense of importance and really bad breath wafted my way every time every time you talk. Yay.

“What makes Cassidy stand out from the other girls is her behavior,” Julie says. Not her personality, her BEHAVIOR. We then see footage of Cassidy jumping on some guy, fighting him in the bathroom, glomming onto his leg as he says, “Energetic, yes.” Or bloody annoying as hell, take your pick.

“The biggest challenge is the undiagnosed ADHD,” Julie tells us. How do you know what it is if it is undiagnosed? And why haven’t you taken her to a medical professional if you think that is really what it is? That’s borderline abusive, even more so than putting her in pageants! Well, almost.

“She is a nasty little brat a lot of the times,” Julie says, explaining that Cassidy seems like an angel sometimes but then can turn and tear your head off the next second. Julie laughs insanely. Yes, that is HILARIOUS that your kid may have a mental illness that would require care. I’m thinking at the least, she’s just a kid who needs about a year of spankings and discipline and at the worst she’s a bi-polar murderer who will probably eat you once she’s done pouring your blood down the basement drain. But let’s go with “nasty brat,” Julie, you stupid f#cking moron and worst mother of the year, and we know bad mothers because we’ve seen Jamie Sterling in action.

“Cassidy?” Julie yells, “it’s time for vitamins now.” Uh-oh. Self-diagnosed and self-medicating? Cassidy says with the speed of light, “Idon’tthinkI’mhyperbutmymomdoes.” We see Cassidy pouring out five “vitamins,” a.k.a. “Herbalife supplements,” and I’m pretty sure even Fred Flintstone knows it should just be one a day. Julie says, “So, for Cassidy’s undiagnosed ADHD, but we know she has it, and the SCHOOL knows she has it, I do not want to give her anything prescription.”

If you crush these up and snort them they’re way more potent.

So the school knows she has this challenge but isn’t addressing it and you don’t actually want to put her on medication because why now? It doesn’t interfere with paying for pageants, does it? Cassidy hates taking them. It’s just a matter of time before she starts putting Dino and Bam-Bam under her tongue and spitting them out once her mother is out of the room. Practice for future activities, I’m sure.

Back on the Good Ship Pirate-pop, Michaela tells us that her strongest category is talent and we see her dancing. Margaux says a lot of girls use pageant coaches but, “We choose not to because I really feel that I can do most of what one does myself.” Wow, that was mouthful of words that sort of didn’t really work out too smoothly. “Watch the lips,” her mother says as Michaela throws a baton around. And the birds.

Margaux brings out what any good mother would for her pageant daughter, a pair of machetes for “twirling practice.” Did Schwarzenegger cut out DCFS, because I’m wondering where the hell all the social workers in California are right now. Drinking?

Just try not to catch these with your neck.

“I actually studied sword fighting,” Margaux tells us, following with, “I was a competitive baton twirler and I saw some people fighting at a renaissance fair and I thought I can do that too.” Competitive baton twirler? Wow, you just totally know who this woman is, don’t you? I mean, it’s all right there in that one sentence. I guess the important thing is you’re not embarrassed, Margaux, you saucy wench of the fair.

But wait, there’s more. “After that, I got into a pirate performance troupe, and I became a pirate.” Yes, that was the logical next step, a pirate performance troupe. Oh, California, you never cease to amaze. “I think swords are a lot more fun than a softball,” she says. Well duh, you can’t stab people with a softball. And can you even imagine Margaux and Steve’s sex life? It probably requires full use of their basement and a team of acrobats from Cirque du Soleil.

This is how Steve became a lesbian.

Back in Vegas, we are forced to listen to Harmonee’ pontificate at the slowest rate possible. “Sparkal…has a lot…of Las Vegas…in her personality,” she says. Snore. “She likes to…impersonate people.” Can she impersonate you but with a personality?

Harmonee’ tells us she started putting together YouTube videos of Sparkal, which saves the pedophiles the time and energy of doing it. We see video of Sparkal shimmying and shaking and in one she’s rolling around with runny/slutty eyeliner like Janet Jackson did in that hideously kinky video with Michael. “The YouTube videos has [sic] given Sparkal a fan club,” she says. Yes, and they send out announcements about those fans every time one moves into the neighborhood!

This is from her YouTube video. We’re not that far

from kiddie porn, are we? Try shaking this visual off today.

“She’s already a YouTube sensation,” she says. “Now she’s going to be a pageant star.” And probably an Amber Alert if you don’t knock that shit off. Does Harmonee””” really not see the potential problem with this? Those videos made ME uncomfortable and I’ve become desensitized to this stuff via all the recapping. Ew! I cannot shake the ick off fast enough! Stop the world, I want to get off! That’s what the pedophiles said!

Protect your children. Or hunt for new YouTube fans.

Back in Orland, oh man…not right after that fiasco! Julie tells us she’s competitive and she’s always been competitive. That would explain your meteoric rise to average. Julie says she wants to be the best that she can be and clearly those standards are knee high.

“The very first pageant, Cassidy did not win queen, she won princess,” Julie says, and I’m thinking okay, not bad for a first-timer, but Julie fails to shut up. “Yes, I stormed out, huffy-puffy, threw the crown in the parking lot, and ran it over.”

Let’s pause for a moment. No – a little longer. I need a time-out.

ARE YOU F#CKING KIDDING ME? What undiagnosed mental illness do you have that your anger got the best of you and you were physically violent against a helpless rhinestone tiara? Julie smiles, starts to laugh, then laughs maniacally. If anyone in the Orland, California area is a social worker and reads this recap, please go have her committed. I’ll sign the papers, just get it done.

You should see what I did to the little girl who beat her at hide and seek! BWAHAHAHAHAH!

Cassidy comes out in a cowgirl’s outfit and her mother says, “Where’s your guns?” DUCK! ADHD has guns! Cassidy interviews that she’s pretty sure she’s going to win the pageant because she wants to win the money. “Big butts, big butts!” her mother says as Cassidy swings her ass around. Jamie Sterling looks like Fraulein Maria next to this woman. “I would show my mom all the money then I’d run away with it,” she says. And probably kicks some cats on her way out of town. “Live all by myself. With a maid,” she finishes. Yeah, that’s not by yourself, but you are probably plagued with numerous personalities anyway so when you are alone you’re really not.

Off-camera someone asks, “What will you do if you lose?” Why light that powder-keg? Oh, right – good TV. “I would slap the winner and take all the money,” she says. Wonder where she gets that, Tiara Crusher Mom? SECURITY!

Back in Jack Sparrow’s neighborhood, dad Steve is helping Michaela sing horribly. The lyrics are “Get my nails done, my hair; get ready for the fashion show.” Just rolls off the tongue. Turns out Steve overheard Michaela singing that one day and figured it was 80s gold! He sings along with her and says, “She gets the music talent from Margaux and myself.” Well, you have NONE, so way to pass that no-talent-hack gene down. “Whether I ride the Harley or sing, I’m there with her to do the pageant stuff,” he says. I’m going to give him that because he is being an involved dad.

Next we’ll try some Poison.

Over at Hollywood Studios, Pyro-Cassidy, Batshit Crazy Julie, and an unnamed man (can you blame him?) enter for some “practice.” Oh, his name is James, I think it’s her dad, and I’m guessing he is reluctant to be a part of this for obvious reasons. Julie interviews that they work with acting coach Jack to help get Cassidy into a movie or sitcom. They’ve got her on the Lindsay Lohan fast-track.

Coach Jack prevents his testicles from being pulled off, thrown in the parking lot, and run over by Batshit Julie by telling us that he sees Cassidy being “pushed, but also being provided with opportunity by those parents there.” Cassidy tells us she wants to be an actress so she can be a star and that people would want her autograph. I’m pretty sure it’s about the craft, too, she just forgot to mention it like Sean Penn forgetting to thank his wife at the Oscars. Nothing personal.

That’s an amazing wall of…nothing. Just paint it beige and stop frontin.

Back in Vegas, Sparkal tells us she’s nervous because it’s such a big pageant. I’d be nervous about those caterpillars you seem to have grown above your eyes. Does mommy not know how to blind you with the Sham-Browâ„¢?

Harmonee’ tells us she knew how to get Sparkal prepared because “I just…Googled ‘glitz clothing for little girls’…and basically that’s it.” Wait until she Googles “pageant recappers,” she’s going to shit. And this woman is so devoid of personality and energy she should go in for a quick chi check at the local Firestone. I know every time I go in for an oil change, they ALWAYS seem to find something off with the chakras of my car, and aligning your chakras is about as expensive as aligning your struts.

“There are three types of competition Sparkal will be in for during this pageant,” Harmonee’ says, and I fast-forward because we just don’t have the time to wait for her to get through these. Suffice it to say it’s beauty, swimwear, and talent. There! See? Not so hard.

Sparkal heads over to “Rock Star Academy” to meet with Lara, her voice coach. Oh, I’m sorry, it’s “International Rock Star Academy,” let’s not forget their office in Tijuana. Sparkal sings and she’s okay for a newbie, and by that I mean she sucks it and we all know it. However, I couldn’t carry a tune if the fate of the world depended on it, so how can I judge? Oh, I’m a recapper, that’s how!

Good choice. You might blind the judges and distract them from your voice. Oh wait. You hear with ears. Never mind.

Back at Hollywood Studios, Batshit Julie tells us that “Jack has an awesome reception hall, so if I need somewhere to rehearse, he’s always open.” Probably because he’s afraid of you. Then we see Batshit trying to help Cassidy by telling her the next dance steps. Cassidy freaks out, and Julie says, “See, there I go,” and she holds out her hand and slaps it. WTF?

“Bad mommy!” Batshit says, smacking her hand twice. Are you kidding me? “Go ahead, get me,” she says, holding her hand out for Cassidy to smack it. What is this, The Passion of the Fruitcakes? Cassidy smacks her three times as another girl looks on in horror/confusion. This will not end well, but it will end. Mostly Batshit’s life. And I could totally go for some passion fruit cake.

“Well, my husband and I were walking around out there, and I saw sunglasses with crowns, and I have to have them,” she says holding up her sunglasses. No wonder her husband prefers to be off camera, he’s probably drinking heavily most of his days. She says that she told Cassidy if she does well in the pageant, she can have the sunglasses. “You gotta bribe ‘em,” she says. Worst mother ever, that mess of a kid is just going to get worse as time goes on.

Bad Mommy

Batshit tells Cassidy they have to do beauty and Cassidy wants no part of it, I think because she’s busy picking the legs off a spider. Her mother threatens to take the sunglasses back which I’m guessing is a bluff and Cassidy knows it.

“I don’t think we go too far, I’m a pageant mom and I don’t care what anyone thinks of me, I’m a pageant mom. So what? Probably no worse than…WELFARE MOM,” she says. How are those even comparable? You have a spoiled brat child that you indulge at every turn, you don’t discipline her, you don’t get her the medical care she may need, and you compare that to someone who turns to the government for help in feeding and caring for her kids? Please explain that.

Look, I realize some people on welfare take advantage of the system, but you know a lot of those people are using it because they have no other options to care for their families. So I’m going to say this right now, please, please, please shut your ignorant pie hole up before a legion of us stop by and kick your sorry and enormous ass you stupid MOFO WHITE TRASH HILLJACK LOSER, ENJOY BURNING IN HELL! Just be sure to inform Satan of your non-welfare mother status, I’m sure he’ll be duly impressed before feasting on your entrails while you watch!

I’m sorry, where was I before my brain was pushed to the front of my skull? Oh, wait, Batshit’s not done! “I take beauty pageants seriously because they are a big expense,” she says, as we see footage of her telling her daughter to smile bigger if she wants the sunglasses. I hope this is one of her nice memories that flashes before her eyes right before Cassidy slams the axe between them.

She goes on to say that when they are little and you shell out the big bucks for a pageant but it’s wasted because they fiddle around, “You can’t really yell at them or scream at them or beat them or anything like that, but when they get older like 8 or 9 or 10,” uh…you can beat them for not winning? “It’s a serious thing,” she finishes. Is she beating Cassidy for not winning? Is that why Cassidy is turning into Sybil?

“Pageants affect the family financially,” she says. And emotionally, clearly. “How can it not, because it’s an either-or decision.” Oh, this is going to be good. “You can either shell out $500 for this weekend…or…you can pay a medical bill,” she says. What medical bills? She’s UNDIAGNOSED and you already told us you don’t buy her medication. “The pageant usually wins,” she finishes, then breaks out laughing maniacally once again. Julie, you are an awful human being and I hope if you ever call 911 the operator tells you to pay your bill before they come get you. Jerk.

You know what else is a big expense? Keeping three chins. Just saying.

Over in Neverland, Michaela and her parents are singing, “Yo-ho, yo-ho, the pageant life for me!” Jesus Christ, I need a drink and a valium sans stomach pump. “What I do to get ready for pageants,” Michaela tells us, “is just to get everything ready in my suitcase.” Oh my God! I do that too! Except I do it for business trips, vacations, or just when I pretend to run away from home to tease the dogs (they rarely care).

Margaux tells us that traveling to the pageant is going to be quite the endeavor today “because of all the props.” Can’t you and Steve go one weekend without sex? Their SUV has a sticker that reads “This property is protected by pirate girls.” Oh, man, these people are NUTS. High school is going to be rough for this kid, hope they are all aware of that. Dad follows on his Harley because there’s no more room in the SUV for him. Or maybe he’s just going to illegally board the SUV later and take hostages.

Pageant director Barbara Thomas, a.k.a. Principal Skinner’s mother, gives us the lowdown on the pageant: Beauty, Swimwear, Talent. “Being in the pageant has led to a lot of exposure for the children,” she says. You have no idea, Mrs. Skinner. “We have casting directors, producers, and agents at our pageant,” she says. Or at least that’s what the business cards they give you say.

Cassidy starts out pageant day by hitting her mother with a pillow. Well, I’ve been there, I’ll throw you that bone. As her mother is putting Cassidy’s makeup on, Cassidy is making faces, sticking her tongue out, making noise, bouncing around, and basically acting like that person on the subway that eats their fingers. “It just makes me a nervous wreck,” Batshit Julie says, adding she spends the day saying, “STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT.” That is a super-fun hobby they’ve got going there, much better than paying their bills.

Won’t be so funny when it’s an axe!

“Of course I bribed her,” Batshit says, “The bribe for this pageant is some video game.” Grand Theft Auto: XXX Violence? Batshit told Cassidy if she can win queen, they will get the game. What happened to the sunglasses? Cassidy comes out of their hotel room on a scooter and says, “Cassidy’s here,” and she totally looks like a combo of Bad Seed, Village of the Damned, and the twins from The Shining. You just know I’m getting stuck sitting near this kid at the local IHOP.

Sorry ma’am. We pulled over your fuzzy scooter because you looked intoxicated.

Michaela is getting made up by a professional makeup artist and her mother thinks she looks like a “fabulous little princess.” What about a fabulous little pirate? They put her in this chartreuse dress and she does look very pretty – not overly made up or overdone, just like herself but better. Nice change of pace.

Over in Sparkal’s corner, they are having her hair and makeup professionally done and Harmonee’ and Khevyn are tripping all over themselves trying to figure out what to do. They should Google “Getting the Hell out of the Way.” Their indecision and lack of knowledge about these kinds of pageants are just making Sparkal more nervous. It’s just a matter of time before she becomes Cloudy, although they will probably spell it Klowdee*.

Khevyn interviews that Sparkal was smiling but now she’s getting nervous. No shit, Dick Tracy, why do you think that is? She’s not prepared, thanks to you two morons. Seriously, is this episode the jackpot for watching dumbass parents and their inability to manage raising a child?

Pageant time! “In our pageant, the judges will be judging on beauty, personality, and clothing,” Mrs. Skinner says. So basically, the whole package, and rich girl wins. “We look for judges who understand the children will wear makeup, hairpieces, or fake teeth. We ask if it will interfere with them judging and they say no, it won’t.” Because every other pageant is RUN THE EXACT SAME WAY! Don’t make me whip out yet another DOYEEE, because I will.

Would you judge our girls unfairly if one of them, I don’t know, wore fake teeth, fake hair, or murdered someone?

Unfortunately-named pageant judge Pat O’Brien is owner of “Pat O’Brien Talent,” the business that is probably a front for something very, very bad. “I’m here judging today and I’m hoping to find one or two stars.” For your basement wall? (By the way, when I looked this guy up, the first site in the results was listed under “ripoffs” and the Better Business Bureau rated him an “F” – so you know they’ve chosen quality judges for this pageant – he’s right up there with the guy they found at the “office supply store.”)

Or…Pat O’Brien

Beauty Competition…screaming kids and the parents who push them! Awesome! Mrs. Skinner interviews that the Little Miss division is tough “but they’ll all do well,” which is statistically impossible but you know everyone gets a sash so whatever.

First up? Sparkal Queenz. Points off for a stupid, career-limiting name. Also, she’s stiff as a board and very clumsy onstage. “She has black hair and brown eyes,” the announcer says. Because she’s African American, you dumbass. Her heroes are Tyra Banks and Beyoncé, probably because of their bootyliciousness.

Harmonee’ says, “When Sparkal is up onstage, I’m nervous, I’m happy, I am ready for it to be over and I’m ready for it not to end.” Way to be decisive! No wonder Sparkal is a nervous wreck. She needs a coach who can make decisions if you are going to continue with this, otherwise just flush the money.

Or start entering the bear. He’s got some real talent.

Batshit Julie interviews, “The thing that will prevent Cassidy from winning is…” finish the sentence for us:

A) Her numerous undiagnosed mental illnesses

B) Her mother

C) Violence perpetrated against another competitor

D) Lack of anger management

Oh, I’m sorry, the answer was actually E) Not smiling (according to Batshit Julie). Yes, I’m sure that will totally queer the deal. Whatever helps you sleep at night. Cassidy gets onstage and prances around like the trained kennel club bitch she is. “I don’t like being onstage,” she admits, “because my mom forces me to smile.” Through what, Vulcan mind-meld? Her brain can barely power a Lite Brite.

The announcer says, “One word that best describes Cassidy: Wild!” I had a different word in mind, but that works too. Batshit is all nuts because Cassidy is losing her smile, so to irritate her more, she holds up a smiley face, says, “She’s doing awful” while smiling, pointing at her smile, smiling, and pointing at her smile while waving the smiley face sign and I want to punch her!

Thanks for the support, MOM.

Batshit interviews that Cassidy didn’t do well in Beauty and she doesn’t expect her to queen, at which the princess tiara looks for the nearest exit. The announcer, I believe a long-lost Mandrell sister, asks for all the girls to come back onstage for a group lineup. I guess they are just getting Cassidy ready for her teen years in juvie.

All the girls get back onstage and Batshit is thrilled Cassidy is smiling, but then she lost it! So Julie in her infinite wisdom points ONCE AGAIN to her smile and Cassidy begins to lose it (also, she’s sort of smiling, so leave her alone). She pounds her hands next to her sides…once, twice, three times a brat. If I were a judge, I’d be taking points off. Here’s hoping!

Back at semi-crazy land, Margaux says she’s excited for Michaela to go out there and have fun and of course, lest we ever forget, “Rock the house.” Margaux does admit the competition is tougher because the older girls have more experience that’s what she said so she’s nervous for Michaela. Also, what is that Asian girl doing up there? I bet she was adopted by American parents who don’t know any better. No – wait! I see an Asian dad. He must be punishing his daughter. “Study harder or I’ll keep putting you in these pageants!” “No, daddy, no, I’ll study neuroscience, I promise! Just no more mindless pageants!”

Michaela is up! She walks pretty stiffly which is too bad because she has a great face. They are going to need a coach if they continue. She does a pretty nice job, but it’s not a smooth walk or transition from stance to stance. Sorry, Margaux, time to give up the ghost on this one.

Batshit is back in the hotel room with Cassidy and is teasing her about the temper tantrum she had onstage. Cassidy bitches that her mother shouldn’t have pointed to her face and smile. I’m with Cassidy on this one, which probably means I should commit myself to the nearest psychiatric wing.

How is pointing at your gum disease supposed to help anything?

Swimwear! That 0 to 5 group certainly cries a lot, don’t they? Sparkal is up first and she looks cute in her swimsuit and sunglasses, but again, the moves are not smooth or interesting. Harmonee’ tells us her favorite thing about seeing Sparkal is how she lights up the stage with her zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

“The diva came out in swimwear today, with Sparkal,” Harmonee’ says. No it didn’t. You want to see diva, watch how Cassidy throws a fit. A diva is someone who justifies her bad manners and behavior with a label that makes you think she’s Aretha Franklin when really she’s just the diabetes that is going to drop Aretha.

Cassidy is up next and oh my God! Is she rocking it? Probably because Batshit is standing in the back where she belongs. Cassidy is all over the stage and Batshit starts to cry. She blames herself for ruining Beauty by trying to get Cassidy to smile. “Lesson learned. Stand in the back,” she says, crying. This woman has problems a team of therapists working 24/7 couldn’t help. Cassidy bounces offstage because she schooled her mom bigtime.

“She just showed me what she can do when I’m not in her face,” Batshit says. Mothers of the world, hear this! Who knew there would be a lesson in this episode? And what is that Asian girl still doing in the pageant? How long must her punishment last? Doesn’t she have the SATs to study for?

Best angle of the night.

Michaela is up next and Margaux interviews that she is very competitive. “I think that’s why we go overboard sometimes, with the props,” she ironically says. Get it? Overboard? Pirates? HI-LARIOUS! We see Margaux and Steve bringing yo-ho-ho a treasure chest onstage and I’m wondering if Michaela is going to pop out of it like a cake! Have Harmonee’ get it on video for YouTube!

Michaela struts onstage in a bikini and a skull and crossbones headband. Margaux gives us some dissertation on how she tries to use imagination and structure to create a piece of art that is interesting and blah-blah-blah. Tell it to Jesus ’cause I ain’t buying it. Keep your Ph.D. in Pirateology to yourself, you just want her to win.

“In order for Sparkal to win the talent competition, she’s going to have to show them what she’s made of,” Harmonee’ says. Well, I get the feeling she’s made of pink fiberglass insulation so she should be a show-stopper as in NOT. Five minutes before she’s about to go on, she hears another little girl perform, and Sparkal gets stage fright. So she’s actually made of Jell-O. “Divas get nervous too,” she says. No they don’t! They go onstage and try to steal the limelight from Mariah Carey. Or they are Mariah Carey.

Turns out Sparkal is having none of it and tells her parents she doesn’t want to go onstage. Khevyn begs Sparkal to go on, not because he cares but because he doesn’t want to waste the entry fee. “Sparkal has a very challenging personality,” her mother says. Not really, she’s just nervous. The challenge is listening to you, Harmonee’, without falling zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

The pageant goes on while we wait for Sparkal to grow a pair. Over in Cassidy’s lair, her mother admits they have been out of her “herbal supplement” and it’s starting to show. Plus, it’s ruining the pyramid scheme your supplier has created. Cassidy is bouncing off the walls and screaming “Where’s my soda! I’m a movie star! You’re fired!” I’m totally using those lines in the next Ops meeting at work, I swear.

Out of magic herbs? Give me a pillowcase

and a rock, I’ll fix things.

Cassidy is onstage doing magic. There is nothing worse than a kid doing magic except when a kid sucks at doing magic like Cassidy does. “She’s getting better at this,” Batshit says. She SUUUUCKS. She doesn’t smile, isn’t energetic, and when you see her pouring a pitcher of milk you can flash-forward to her teen years. Points off for a boring segment!

Harmonee’ tells us that watching the magic show made Sparkal feel better and now she wants to perform. Probably because she realized that not everyone has talent and she will probably suck less than Cassidy. They back up the competition to accommodate Sparkal and her insecurities. She gets onstage and I’ll be damned. She DID suck worse than Cassidy’s Magic Hell. Okay, don’t anybody tell her. Let her find out when she watches the show.

Harmonee’ says that when you see your child onstage and they aren’t doing the best they can, hopefully they are “enjoying theirselves.” Or thinking about the grammar book they’ll be ordering you for Christmas. Wonder if her mom will be throwing this performance up on YouTube?

Michaela gets onstage with a microphone and stands in front of a curtain. She goes behind the curtain, which drops, and she comes out shimmying in shorts and a fringed top. Why did she have the microphone? Did she sing her fashion song? No – wait! Now it’s a baton and she’s twirling all over the place. Hope she doesn’t poke her eyes out.

CROWNING! Batshit says she’s nervous and has butterflies in her stomach, but she probably just ate some for a snack. Harmonee’ continues to live in a dream world by saying Sparkal is still in the running for highpoint. I think she should just run…home. “She had a great attitude,” Harmonee’ says. Ooh, I’m sorry, that’s not part of the total package with Clearcoatâ„¢. Thank you for playing, better luck next time.

Little Miss Division…Best Smile Award, not our girls. Prettiest Eyes, Cassidy (Satanic eyes, maybe). Prettiest hair, not our girls. Most Beautiful Face, not our girls! Miss Personality, Sparkal! WHAT?!?! “I guess I have a lot of personality,” she says. No, you actually don’t, you’re pretty boring and not sparkly at all. Who paid off the judges? Khevyn, I’m looking in your direction! Highpoint award? Cassidy. Oh you have GOT to be shitting me.

Harmonee’ is thrilled that Sparkal built her self-esteem with her trophy. “If there were a category for best name, Sparkal Queenz would have won,” she says. You are delusional, that is one of the worst names ever and you’ve banished her to a life of tedious part-time jobs and lots of baby daddies. Nice job.

Junior Miss Division, Best Smile. Not Michaela! Prettiest Eyes? Not Michaela. Prettiest Hair. Not Michaela. Okay, she’s getting a little robbed here. Most Beautiful Face? Michaela! Justice! Now she doesn’t have to walk the plank when she gets back home. Highpoint winner? Michaela! Her parents are totally excited for her and yes, they are good parents although kooky in their pirate ways. But I guess even pirates need love. Unless they’re off the coast of Somalia, then they just need to be blown back to hell.

Long lost Mandrell sister is holding it together as she announces it’s time for the overall highpoint winner…it’s the Supreme Deep Dish title for the kid who won the highest points earned in all the categories (hence the phrase HIGH POINT). The camera focuses on Cassidy and I think we all can see…that girl ain’t right. I can’t tell if she needs a banjo or a syringe full of Drano, but bottom line is everyone should fear her.

Batshit is convinced they aren’t going to win highpoint (or so she tells us). Cassidy interviews that if she loses, she “would throw the crown on the ground and my mom would run it over.” Well, you wouldn’t have the crown, would you, you stupid little twit? Margaux says she thinks Michaela has a good chance to win highpoint and I would agree if for no other reason than the crazy missing from her eyes.

The winner? Oh my God, just get to it already…MICHAELA! Phew! For a split second I thought it was Cassidy and I already watched this once. Michaela is thrilled, so are Captain Hook and his heaving-bosomed wife! Cassidy is making a face that’s between smelling a fart (whoever smelt it, dealt it!) and murderous revenge.

Batshit says that Cassidy isn’t going to win the video game, and it was a mean thing to promise her because she knew her daughter wasn’t going to win. This family is so f#cked up. Cassidy is truly frowning and she is going to need Botox soon if she doesn’t stop it.

Michaela is thrilled with the booty she won for her treasure chest, a.k.a. the double-Ds she’s put on layaway. Batshit sees Cassidy and says, “You know you’re still a winner, right?” she asks, even though 5 seconds ago she herself admitted her daughter was a loser. Cassidy answers by punching the hell out of a helpless balloon until it bursts. Her mother cracks up which is just reinforcing the bad behavior. Can you even imagine the school officials? I bet they can’t wait for Cassidy to hit middle school and be someone else’s problem.

First, a balloon, next, a human head.

“I hit the balloon because I was really mad,” she says. No shit. Batshit interviews, “She never has fits about not winning, no never.” Uh, she just did. And what about your fit, Batshit? “She does have a fit about NOT getting something she wants.” Wow, the lines these people cross, I just can’t keep them straight. It’s like the back of my TV – lines everywhere with no rhyme or reason, and the twist ties I use to bind them are coming unraveled as we speak.

Batshit asks Cassidy her favorite part of the pageant and she says popping the balloon. “When I popped the balloon it made me feel better,” she says. Then I think she says, “At least it wasn’t the window.” Batshit laughs maniacally at Cassidy, herself, and her utter and complete denial of the wretched human being she is raising.

If we made a drinking game out of seeing this face, we’d all be drunk by now.

Thoughts on this hot mess of pageant girls and their families? Just…wow. Next week’s a repeat of Kings and Queens of America in Louisiana from the end of July…check out that recap if you missed it the first time. See you in a couple!