Toddlers & Tiaras: Tanner or Skidmark? You Be the Judge!

Hello Gasmii, welcome back to another episode of Toddlers & Tiaras! This episode takes us to the Miss Tiny USA (please let it be for fat kids!) in the fine city of Laurel, Mississippi. Damn, I’m going to be singing that M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I song through this whole recap! Pageant Director Darla Bailey, the second wife of George Bailey, who remarried quickly after Donna Reed started her own show, tells us that the “Tiny Miss USA is a title girls like to win.” So is the title Mrs. Bon Jovi!

Nice extensions!

“This pageant is patterned after the Miss USA pageant, where you do an evening gown and swimsuit,” Darla tells us. So is every other pageant, dumbass. And what about talent? Doesn’t the Miss USA pageant still include someone singing or answering questions about how not conflicted they are about gays getting married? And is it different from the Miss America pageant? I get so confused as to which one Trump has fixed.

Darla says, “Mississippi girls are some of the best,” as the brilliant TLC editors show us a kid picking her nose. I bet she picked that just for us. “When they go to compete, they go to win,” she finishes. That’s because they aren’t going to read or learn about sex ed, thanks high illiteracy and pregnancy rates (and yes, I did have to spell-check illiteracy, the irony pains me). Then we see a little kid “walking” (she’s like 2) with a huge trophy as big as she is, and all I can think is she’s going to poke an eye out, and I don’t even like kids so I shouldn’t care but here we are.

Are they finally allowing the contestants to drink at these things or what?

Over in “historic” Laurel, Mississippi (meaning they are still bitter about that whole war of northern aggression thing), we meet five year old Bayleigh who should really PUT THAT DOG DOWN RIGHT NOW! She says, “ALMLDalskdoweip:LZ;ljs;dlfkj;asl and I’m ready to go FULL GLITZ.” She likes being in pageants because they give out crowns and sashes and roses, oh my. Well, at least she didn’t give us that self-esteem bullshit.

Bayleigh’s mother Brooklyn (Queenz? Wouldn’t that be hilarious?) tells us that Bayleigh (and God, how irritating is typing that going to get? I now re-name thee Bay!) has been competing for a year and in that time she’s completed 30 pageants. I’d be more impressed if she had completed 30 Ironmans, but whatever floats your boat down the Mississip. Bay has supremed in 10-12 pageants, her mother tells us. Well, which is it, ten or twelve? Don’t you write this down in your diary?

I would count the trophies, but I can’t see that high. Neither can poor Bay. Get the girl a ladder or something!

Brooklyn tells us that winning is addictive, just like crack or George Clooney, and that they wouldn’t continue to do these pageants if she didn’t place so well. Well no shit! Who keeps at a hobby or sport if they don’t continue to improve in some way? That’s why juvenile diabetes is up – today’s kids suck at everything except sitting in front of the TV. Doyeee, it’s always easier to be a quitter! Second only to recapper! Where’s my insulin?

“What does mommy always say?” Brooklyn asks in the typical third-person mom way. Bay says, “It hurts to be beautiful.” If you were a fist’s throw away from me, you don’t know how true that would be, you boneheads. Bay says she thinks she’s going to win this weekend because she always wins. No, you “win” about 30% of the time, you just get a sash and crown EVERY time. Big diff.

Over in Greenville, Mississippi, just past the casino we meet not the bat-shit mom of the episode, but Harboring Some Strong Anger at Something mom. Seven year old Mckenzie tells us her favorite crown is the one shaped like a castle which she likes because she’s a princess. You know my love for the tiaras but this one looks like glitter and cardboard…tsk, tsk little Chinese kids who made this!

It’s a recession. Just get some of those crowns from Burger King and let’s all put some money away.

“I am going to take the title at Tiny Miss USA,” Mckenzie says. You may want to lose that masculine vibe you’ve got going, kid. I see that your mom is sporting the hips of a softball coach/golf teacher, but damn. Kim, Mckenzie’s mother, says that her daughter is a “hot mess.” Uh, that’s the term we use for the girl at work who doesn’t shower. For days.

Mckenzie tells us her first pageant was in Little Rock, but her mother reminds her that it was actually at the Greenville Mall. Well, at least it was vetted. She’s been competing since she was 15 months old and we hear Kim say, “That’s all it took and mom was hooked.” Uh…wait a minute…

Mckenzie tells us being in pageants means having fun, and when her mother teases her about her attitude she does the head shake and says, “Oh yeah I do-ooo” like a sassy black woman in an NBC sitcom. Kim tells us that her daughter is quite the tomboy and she loves to be without shoes, so her nickname is “Trailer Park.” Yeah, I’m sure it’s because of the shoes.

She won this one shooting spit 10 feet.

Way to open the door to Asian businesses, MS!

And in Moselle, Mississippi we meet Kragen (WTF?), age 8, who perkily tells us she’s done over 200 pageants. Tone down the perk, honey, it’s early in the show and Crabby hasn’t had her coffee. Sonya tells us her pageant girl is “beautiful and smart.” We’ll see.

Well she sure knows how to…wear a bow.

“My mom is my biggest cheerleader,” Kragen says. Well, that’s nice. Snore. Then Kragen does some kick-ass cartwheels and I’m jealous. I’m just saying, needing an oil can in the morning to get going is right around the corner for me. Kragen has been in pageants since she was 10 months old, then Sonya gives us some real scoop.

“She decided when she was five to quit pageants,” Sonya says, as though her daughter just quit medical school one credit shy of neurosurgery. “She said ‘Mommy, I don’t want to do this anymore,’ so my heart sank to my feet. We just had a new $1500 dress (WTF times 100!) that she only wore one time, a thousand dollars worth of pictures, and she didn’t really give a reason. She took a two-year break.” Just like Bret Favre. I think. Or we wish. Also, I think her reason is she didn’t want to do this anymore.

Kragen started back a year ago and has won a title at every pageant since then. So you know her ego is in check. It’s like the pageant world was just waiting with baited breath to have her come back and win the crowns like a true champion. I barf, the end.

Sonya gives us the song-and-dance about how this is a great investment in Kragen’s future because she can win scholarship money to pay for college (which I know one reader wrote in and agreed). However, with pageant winnings about 1/3 of what you have to spend to get to the pageant, I hope Kragen is happy with Upstairs College & Pizzeria, because college is about as expensive as your first house and student loans will last longer than that mortgage.

Sonya tells us that out of the 200 pageants Kragen has been in lately, she’s placed in Queen or above in 180 of them. So…I may stand corrected on the scholarship thing, except that I’m always right and that’s what makes me, me. It’s also what makes me intolerable.

At least I’m not the only one.

“If Kragen wins Tiny Miss this weekend, I will be beside myself,” Sonya tells us, which would be an amazing feat because she doesn’t really look that flexible. “In her career, this is the one that got away.” Yeah, she’s 8, you might want to tone that down a notch.

“What we are really after is the crown,” she finally admits. “We love the Tiny Miss USA crown and we want to win it.” First of all, WE? I think not. Second, those bastards at Sallie Mae will rarely use crowns as student loan collateral. They’re just funny that way.

Most expensive bong ever.

Sonya says she likes a certain crown that reminds her of the Miss America crowns, which she wants to see on Kragen’s head when she gets older. “I want you to be Miss America,” she tells Kragen. That sounds like an attainable goal, thanks Mom. And no borrowing the crown at Thanksgiving if the turkey is dry and flavorless!

Back over at Mckenzie’s house, there is great rejoicing because her flipper has arrived! Kim tells us that if she’s going to put Mckenzie into pageants, she’s going to give her every opportunity to do well – including fake teeth that freak us all out. Mink eyelashes are not far behind…

Dad William says he likes pageants because “They are like any other sports,” except it’s not really a sport. He also thinks the flipper is jacked up. Wouldn’t it be awesome if they had gotten her a grill instead? HOTT. Kim says she wants to keep the flipper in her purse because it’s important and Mckenzie says, “You think that’s important? I’M important.” Sigh.

Hey, it’s a GLITZ GRILL, come on!

Now it’s time for Mckenzie to pick out the picture she wants to use. Kim says she looks at her best picture and it’s breathtaking. It certainly took mine away as I sucked in my breath, scared the dogs, and realized Mckenzie isn’t a little girl, she’s a Yahoo Avatar! Seriously, that thing is so air-brushed is looks like Japanese anime. As opposed to Canadian anime. She says it never scores well with the judges. No shit, it doesn’t even look real. They decide on a “natural” photo via “Bubblegum-Bubblegum-in-a-dish” as Kim says, “Mckenzie is my best friend.” Yeah, she’s seven, you might want to consider some adult friends.

Just…wow.

Back at Bay’s house, she says she normally does natural pageants and this is her first glitz. Glitz Virgin! Brooklyn says the appeal of glitz pageants is the cash prizes you can win. What a bunch of bullshit – by the time you shell out all the money and the IRS 1099s you for the “cash prize,” you are in the hole, face it. Oh, wait…TLC’s going to run the cost out for us so we can see how math was the class that got away from Brooklyn.

Brooklyn says the dress was $700, shoes were $30, socks $15, mani/pedi $40, modeling coach $75/session for two sessions, hair & makeup $100 (cheap!), swimsuit $35, cost of pageant$125, plus extras at the door (paying off the judges?), so their total amount spent that they can actually account for is $1225. Cash prize for this pageant? $600 savings bonds (that probably mature after she gets out of college!). Let’s see…$600 minus $1225 equals you are a f#cking moron. “Yes, I’ll have to get a second (air quotes) pageant job (un-air quotes),” Brooklyn laughs. So freakin’ funny I forgot to laugh. Except AT YOU.

Back with Kragen (Latin for “Neanderthal”), she and her mother are headed to Golden Tropics tanning salon. “Our good friend and owner Miss Denise is going to give Kragen that healthy melanoma glow,” Sonya says, almost. Kragen says she’s a pro at tanning because she’s done it 9 or 10 times. Well, I guess in the course of her short life, she’s kind of right not at all.

Sonya admits she never thought she’d tan her daughter, but here we are. Winning pageants takes moxie and lots of skin-tone changing chemicals, people. Sonya says now that she’s older the spray tan last so much longer. Yeah, because young skin tries it’s best to deflect things like that. Clearly, the tanner won. Don’t get me wrong, as an Irish gal I’m all about the spray tan, but maybe there needs to be a minimum age?

Sonya says Kragen was born naturally dark (Neanderthal) so when she gets spray tanned, her skin just “soaks it up.” Like radiation. “She gets so black so quick.” Is that really wise in Mississippi?

You coulda bought a cuter kid for this much money!

Over at the hair salon/trailer, Mckenzie is about to get spray tanned by a woman who has a sign that reads, “I’m a beautician, not a magician.” Just hose the kid, not-David Copperfield. Kim sounds completely ignorant when she says, “First of all you need to decide if you are going to play the game, and if you are, you have to be willing to do the things that have to be done.” Okay, it’s not politics or business or even chess. And what was your second point?

Kim says Mckenzie doesn’t get as dark as the other kids, so they have to coat her over and over and over again like a cheap pan with Pam. She makes not-David Copperfield hose her with a third coat, sweet. Her tan lines look awful – hope the dress covers that.

Back at Kragen’s house, she’s now sporting the Hispanic glow and getting a mani/pedi, home version. Gross. Little kids have the worst toes and nails so I admire her mother and friend for digging in. Sonya says Kragen is too young to have these professionally done. Sounds like someone really doesn’t want the crown after all! “It’s not really hard,” Sonya tells us, “just a dab of glue and stick them on.” Thatswhatshesaid.

Over at the Nail and Hair Gallery, theme “Where Beauty Becomes an Art,” Bay is there for her mani-pedi and they are doing a family spa day. Dad Brad is there getting a manly pedicure (they are digging 10 year’s worth of dirt and toe-jam out of those hoofers) as Bay tell us her dad’s feet stink. So much for his 15 minutes. Brad tells us that is a full-out lie, he has nice smelling feet, and he’s going to beat Bay to a bloody pulp for lying on national television, even if it is basic cable. Okay, he only mentioned his feet.

Brooklyn tells us she was a little worried about “all the add-ons for Bay,” and I’m wondering what accoutrements come with little kids? Are they like Kitchen-Aid mixers, with a meat-grinding attachment, pastry paddle, and pasta cutter? I’m hungry.

Do a handstand and pour out some syrup for me, sugar.

“What does mom always say?” Brooklyn asks. “It hurts to be beautiful,” Bay says. Remember that when some guy is beating you because your self-esteem is tied to your looks and you think he’s the best you can do. Stupid Brooklyn. At least dad was a good sport.

Back at Mckenzie’s house, Kim is trying to pack up things for the pageant as she interviews she doesn’t know how Mckenzie’s going to do, she hopes she burns up the stage (I hope she means figuratively), and even if she burns up the stage she may not win. That is one long and polluted stream of consciousness. Kim asks for help getting the stuff out to the car, but damn, Kim, just use some of the energy from your made-for-gun-holder hips.

Mckenzie tells us that her dad doesn’t really care to attend the pageants but he is with this one. Camera-shy? Methinks not. Mckenzie thinks she’s going to win this pageant.

Bay and her mom are packing up their “glitz” box and it’s embarrassingly small considering what all the other glitz girls will be bringing. They’re the recon team going to the pageant early then dad will be coming in later. Bay and Brooklyn are sort of the Navy Seals of pageanting.

PAGEANT DAY! Laurel, Mississippi is vibrating with the energy of obnoxious girls, frilly dresses, and over-amped moms. Sonya has to explain the “total package” phenomenon to us. It means the same thing in the real world that it does in the pageant world, SONYA, just less emphasis on looks and more on actual talent. Sometimes.

Kragen tells us she hates hairspray because sometimes it gets in her eyes. Have you considered shielding them with your hands, a mask, or even – a hairspray shield!?!?! You can make one out of a paper plate!

See? Even Suze Orman uses one!

Over in Mckenzie’s room, her dad tells us she didn’t want to get up, but “Mountain Dew helps a lot.” No wonder they needed a flipper, all of her teeth have rotted out. Next time, use Marlboros – less sugar and it will look classier when she has that sticking out of her mouth. Hilljacks.

Over in Bay’s room, Brooklyn says, “The spray-tan lady said that she [Bay] won’t be competitive if she isn’t spray-tanned.” Well, if the spray-tan lady says she needs to be spray-tanned, well I guess that’s true! Too bad there aren’t any tattoo artists hanging out. Where’s Laurel Ink when you need them?

“I thought, she’s only five years old,” Brooklyn says, “I cannot spray my five year old.” Good for you! “Of course I ate my words.” Wuss! Wait! Is that spray-tan lady Tootie’s mom? (remember Tootie – she had one name for real life and one for stripping pageants?). Still earnin’ some cash for Tootie? Make sure it’s dollar bills! Then the spray-tan lady says, “Miss Stacy’s spray tans are the best.” IT IS HER!!!

Stacy teases Bay about her skin tone and says, “Look how white it is…you can’t go to a pageant like that!” She hoses and rolls her with a paint tool, hoses and rolls. Brooklyn says she’s uncomfortable because they think their kid is pretty but they have to keep adding things to make her prettier. Welcome to the world of glitz pageants. Don’t worry, it can only help her self-esteem that you add accessories to make your child look acceptable.

Over in…you know what? Kragen and Mckenzie are starting to look alike. Oh, it’s Mckenzie. Kim finishes Mckenzie’s hair and Mc says, “I’m smoking hot.” Uh. Okay. You’re a kid and by definition cannot be smoking hot, but whatever. Kim tells us Mc is in “sassy mode,” which is code for “she’s being a f#cking brat.” “She’s going to drive me crazy,” Kim says. I’m way ahead of you.

Speaking of driving me crazy, Bay has turned into an A #1 snot-nose brat and is complaining that her mother is spraying her back with hairspray. That’s to hold the TAN IN PLACE, twit! Brooklyn tells us that she’s very nervous and excited at the same time. Just don’t pee on anything. Bay is “nervous” according to her mother (code for bizzitch) and Bay starts licking her face like a mental case with her tongue going round and round licking all the makeup and lipstick off her face. Total package, amateurs.

No I don’t want to buy a damn flower. Stop asking.

Mckenzie burps loudly and you just know it smells like the Dew. Her mother is tying her into a corset dress and is bitching and moaning about it. Here’s an idea, hilljacks, look into zippers. They are new-fangled and work like a charm, and you don’t have to remember how to lace anything up to get the dress to stay on. Man, I get salty when I need to have dinner.

Mc says she could lace up the dress with her eyes closed. Kim threatens to knock her across the room. Mc says she’s a “mean mom.” Dad says that Kim’s getting irritated, but “that’s normal, that’s at every pageant.” Wow, the fun just NEVER ends.

Kragen’s dad Jamie is there and although Sonya says he’s not a “pageant dad,” he loves being supportive and “seeing different things on her,” which sounds creepier than it probably is. I hope.

Pageant time! First contestant up is a teeny kid, and according to the emcee, “She enjoys jabbering and slobbering.” She’s going to make a great sorority girl. Another girl enjoys “keeping her daddy wrapped around her little finger.” And sporting a receding hairline, apparently!

This is the baby version of the guy from Mask.

Brooklyn tells Bay to give her a “silly face without messing with your lips.” She makes her face go dead and sticks her tongue out, and it took all my willpower not to reach into the TV screen and punch under her chin so she bit her tongue. Brooklyn is pleased and pulls her shirt up back over her boobs to show her approval.

Judge Belon Howington (seriously, mothers, THINK before naming your kids) says he likes to see how pretty the girls are and how they carry “theirselves.” He is scary! He peers over his eyeglasses and looks like a mean principal.

Bay is up first…she looks cute in her peach dress, then TLC cuts over to Judge Belon giving us the hairy eyeball and I cringe a little. Did I do something wrong? I’m trying to remember! Don’t paddle me! Bay’s dad says it was nerve-wracking to hold the video camera. Yes, it usually is in such high-pressure situations as girls parading around in fancy dresses. Bay is a little stiff but she did okay for a Glitz Virgin.

Sometime during the pageant she received a stuffed animal and balloons…from her dad. Aw, that’s cute and I can’t deny it. Dammit.

OH MY GOD, please, please, please tell me someone is going to recap My Monkey Baby! No – wait! I’ve got the perfect crossover hit – Monkeys and Tiaras, not to be confused with The Monkees and Tiaras where every week Davy Jones is in a pageant for adorable and non-threatening British men.

The emcee announces the next few girls…Miss Savannah, Miss Journey, Miss Eden, and I realize that we have a generation of strippers coming our way. Nice work, mothers of today. Oh, and that one girl looks like a mini-Anna Nicole Smith. Don’t need a crystal ball for that future, do we?

Your future? That’s the real GRIM!

Oh good, another bobblehead coach. Mc’s coach, Coach Amy, says, “Mckenzie has tons of personality and blabbedy-blah-blah,” yes, you still get paid if she loses. “I think Mckenzie’ll do awesuuume!”

Kragen is in the conference room and she stretches her arms wide, and the shadows make it look like she needs an under arm ShamBrowâ„¢. I hope that was shadows, at least. Sonya says Kragen likes being first out on stage. Yeah, I like to get work over with early too so I can watch TV all damn night, so I get that.

Kim, however, is happy that Mc is last because “you never want to be the first one out because they say that the judges hold back.” Who the hell is “they” and are “they” related to spray-tan lady? They seem to spout a lot of bullshit.

Kragen’s up…I love her dress, the color is sort of a vibrant watermelon with lots of sparkles and you know how I love glitter! But she walks really oddly like she’s trying to be cute and sexy at the same time and it’s really awkward. Do they have a coach? Check with Coach Amy on her availability in the next couple of hours.

Sonya yells out “Go flossy,” then explains to us that “flossy” means to brighten your smile. Why doesn’t she just point to her smile like every other mother? Also? Flossy is a cow name. I’m just saying. Then TLC cuts over to Kim and she klass-less-ly says, “Aren’t you glad you can’t hear my inner thoughts?” and I say to that NO! I want to hear them! Speak out loud so I can make more fun of how you are going to trash on your daughter’s competition, a girl who looks just like your daughter! She makes a bitchy little smile and I think this is really the first time a mother has been shown to sort of trash on another girl, right? Leave the recapping to the bitter, thanks.

No, cuz I want confirmation that they’re “I hate my daughter and I’m prettier than her and I’m offing the skank and taking her place.”

Mckenzie’s up and she works the stage…those batting eyelashes look odd, plus she has a very masculine vibe. “I rocked,” she says when she’s offstage. No, I don’t think you did.

Swimwear, ick. Brooklyn dresses Bay and then mentions the glue or double-sided tape. It’s called butt paste and you’d better get some. Kim explains to us what butt paste does – holds the swimsuit nice and tight to those tiny asses. Then the real treasure of this show comes to light.

Kim looks at Mc’s butt and says, “What in the world?” She sees a stain. A nasty brown stain. On the back of Mc’s swimsuit. “Have you been digging in your butt?” she asks Mc. Yes, that was on national TV, on a TV show her parents, friends, and family taped, and will probably be dug up (pun intended) when she goes to high school where she will receive the nickname McPickin’.

“I guarantee you she dug in her booty,” her mother says. First of all, gross. Second, should you really be calling your young daughter’s butt her “booty,” and third, GROSS. Dad attempts to save the day by saying it’s probably tanner.

…That she ate and pooped out on her bottoms.

Over in Kragen’s room, they are double-side taping/Gorilla Gluing her swimsuit to her shoulders so it doesn’t ride up during her routine. Yeah, unless she’s going to get a nasty brown stain on her swimsuit, you’re probably good to go. Also, she looks a little crazy.

Brooklyn interviews that they didn’t know what age group was going when because “there wasn’t actually a schedule,” and sure enough they are almost late to the swimsuit competition. Thank goodness they made it, butt paste free and all.

Bay gets onstage and is working her dance. She does a pretty good job and seems much more comfortable than during the fussy beauty section. “She rocked it,” Brooklyn says. “She shook her little booty!” Oy. Then Bay interviews, “This is the booty shake,” and she shakes her booty. Double oy.

Kragen’s up next and it’s becoming more clear that she looks like her dad – not a bad thing, except she’s a girl. She did do a good job as Kim looks on angrily. Grrrrr. Is she putting a curse on Kragen? Then Kragen falls apart because one of her straps had what her mother called “a wardrobe malfunction.” It just went above her shoulder, call off the dogs!

Mckenzie goes to get up onstage but her music isn’t playing. Her parents react with the natural freakout yelling for her music, her MUSIC, MY GOD WHERE IS HER MUSIC and there it is and thank God we didn’t OVERREACT to someone not hitting the PLAY button in a timely manner.

“The song didn’t start off when she was onstage and it threw her off,” Kim says. Yeah, I’m sure that’s why she sucked it instead of rocked it. The music starts and she did her dance then she just stood there and very subtly moved her hips side to side as though she became mesmerized by the lights. Her mother has no idea what she’s doing and we cut over to Sonya who is smiling. Mc’s dad says, “What happened?” and Kim says, “Don’t say nuthin’ to her. They don’t know her routine.” Yeah, but I’m guessing they know it doesn’t involve her staring into the lights vacantly.

Derrrrrrrrrr…line?

Competition concluded! Everyone is asked to clear the ballroom so the judges can get out their master abacus to add up the scores. Kim says, “She did good enough for me and that’s all that matters.” Spoken like a true loser.

CROWNING! Man, they shot us right into that without a commercial, guess I won’t be getting that double of Patrón before we get to the deep dish! Most Photogenic? Not Bay. Fourth alternate (are you kidding?)… BAY! Brooklyn says she was both disappointed Bay did not place higher but very proud of Bay for placing during her first glitz pageant. Pick a point of view, geez louise!

Brooklyn asks Bay if she’s excited and you can tell by Bay’s face she wants to cut a bitch. Until she sees the camera then she smiles as sweet as honey. Freaky! Pageant Director Darla says, “Prettiest doesn’t always win at the beauty pageant.” That makes no sense, but okay. Also, Bay has to remember…being beautiful HURTS. “So far, I’m not hooked on the glitz,” Brooklyn says. I bet if Bay had won you’d be singing a different tune.

Kim says, “What did you do, Bubba?” to her husband. He says he wasn’t doing anything, just having a conversation with someone and he’s totally lying. Kim ain’t buying it so “Bubba” admits he entered Mckenzie into the optionals. What the hell is that? Just another way for pageants to make money and another way people get their kids to win? So the people who pay the most money have the better chance of winning? Nice.

“That cost money,” Mc says, but deep down she’s happy to have that chance. I’m guessing he had the feeling she wasn’t going to win on her own, so he wanted to make sure she got something. That’s actually a pretty cool thing for a dad to do. The optionals are the overall categories – fashion, photogenic, most beautiful, and beauty photo, which is a deal at $35 for all four. I guess, I don’t know.

Kim is a little ticked because her husband went behind her back to do this, but also because she thinks it’s a waste of money. “Why enter something you know she doesn’t have a chance in?” she asks. Uh. What? How do you know that? What an awful thing to say about your kid. Kim starts bitching about them being on a budget, and don’t give me that load of crap when you spend hundreds of dollars on a dress she’ll wear maybe three times at the most before she grows out of it.

Hilarious.

Kim says she feels like sometimes she holds Mckenzie back because they don’t have the money to send her to the next level. It’s actually sort of sweet to see Kim saying this…that has to be hard for people when they want to give their kids the best but can’t afford it. But they’re kids so I don’t care. It would be so much easier if this were Dogs and Tiaras, then I could really feel their pain. Oh my God, I’m totally putting my tiara on the dogs tonight! They are going to be SO pissed! Where’s my camera?

“The ATM didn’t eat your card, did it?” Kim asks. “No, but I jerked it out real fast,” he says. The speed of your card insertion and extraction has no bearing on whether or not the machine will put out, Bubba. It’s not your wife, boo-yaa!

Moving on…Optional Awards. Most Beautiful, Mckenzie! Money well spent, Bubba! Fashion Award, Mckenzie! Best Comp Card, Mckenzie! Kim says now she’s grateful Bubba did what he did. Most Photogenic, Kragen! Tiny Miss USA title…hopefully no one will be called for this! Not our girls! Which means they move on to the next round!

But wait – there’s a special award! This goes to the girl they felt has the most potential to go on to win a Supreme Super Deep Dish with a Cheesy Crust title at their next pageant…BAY! Her mother is shocked and my guess is she’s hooked on glitz pageants now. And crack! She gets a huge crown! For “Most Potential”! How do you get a crown for potential? So not fair!

Top 10 overall…Mckenzie and Kragen are both chosen to for the Law & Order: Criminal Intent lineup. Beauty Photo Supreme…Kragen! She’s happy but sad that she didn’t win overall supreme. Sonya says, “There’s no money with Beauty Photo but we were happy to get any kind of title.” So much for that college fund!

Mini Supreme – combination of swimsuit and beauty with a $100 savings bond (boring!) – Mckenzie! Kragen laments, “Mckenzie ended up winning Mini Supreme,” then she makes her cheeks puffy and rolls her eyes. Nice manners, she-male!

So who wins the Super Deep Dish Grand Supreme? The Anna Nicole Smith look-alike named Eden. Go figure!

Bay says this was the most exciting day of her life. Yikes. Sonya interviews that Kragen wants to do another pageant in a couple of weeks but it’s “taking a toll on mom.” Uh, you were the one who wanted her to do these, remember? Suck it up and get more butt paste!

Mckenzie tells Kim she knows she loves her for winning the money, then she says some incomprehensible things and Kim says, “Let me tell you something, if it weren’t for all my money sending you here, you never woulda won that money, so you sort of owe me.” Mckenzie says she wants to get to Wal-Mart so she can get anything she wants.

“Let’s get this kid to sleep before I choke her,” Kim says. Preaching to the choir, Kim, preaching to the choir.

Next up? Americas Fabulous Faces – in Hawaii! So you know that Supreme will have pineapple and bacon on it, no doubt.