Toddlers & Tiaras: Mele Kalikimaka and Coconut Knockers!

Aloha Gasmii! This luau of Toddlers & Tiaras comes straight from Honolulu, Hawaii, host of the “America’s Fabulous Faces” beauty pageant. Pageant Director Marcy Stoehr, code name for “Sally Struthers,” is the co-director of the pageant. Clearly the other co-director knew better than to be on camera. The pageant has been around 13 years, but this is the first year they went to Hawaii, probably because they couldn’t afford vacations in this economy so they decided to combine work and pleasure into one big tax write-off.

I think had the WHOLE PACKAGE…of oreos!

This competition has about 100 girls competing in beauty, swimsuit, and talent. The winner receives a $1000 savings bond (boring! How about a $1000 DSW gift card?), crown, sash, and banner (?). “All you need is a beautiful face,” Sally Struthers tells us. FINALLY, someone admits it’s all about the face, not the – say it with me – WHOLE PACKAGE.

There’s only one rule. Don’t be ugly. And keep your spirit to yourself.

First up, we meet Aaliyah Hiuhiu-Martinez, age 5. Dang, say that name 3 times real fast. Aaliyah introduces herself and says she looks like a “beauty princess.” Okay, kid is cute. Her mother, Nicole, introduces Aaliyah as a “tropical island pageant princess.” Well, which is it? Beauty or Tropical Island Princess? Already I’m confused and I’ve only had two shots of tequila.

Nicole tells us that Aaliyah is pretty well known on the Hawaiian pageant circuit, and my first thought is well duh, so is someone who competes in Rhode Island. I mean, you are talking about pretty small pageant communities here, Nicole. Want me to hold the reins while you get off your pineapple? “She’s probably won between 30 and 50 titles,” Nicole says. “She’s the one to beat.” I bet you do when she doesn’t win! Whack!

Sorry, no baldies.

Aaliyah is practicing her hula dance which normally I’d make fun of for being too sexy, but it is Hawaii, what else are they going to do? Nicole tells us that Aaliyah is good in pageants because she practices a lot and she puts in 100%. Hmm….lots of practicing and 100% – not 110%, not “over 100%.” We may have a smart mother-daughter combo here. Stop the insanity!

“I practice all day to go on stage to be sassy,” Aaliyah says. “And pretty.” As you get older, you won’t have to practice to be sassy…incompetent bosses make it come naturally. Just make sure to be sassy under your breath and after they leave your office.

“It’s fun to see my beautiful daughter onstage, and everyone in awe of her,” Nicole says. You might consider eating some hubris with your poi, Nicole. “I would love to see her in Hollywood,” Nicole says, “with her own star on the sidewalk.” Why not give her some chalk and let her go to town in your neighborhood? Done and done!

This picture alone is ten steps up in class level than every other episode of the season. It’s jarring.

Never mind.

In Pearl City, Hawaii, we meet nine year old Jessie Bentley as she walks into a tattoo parlor. She introduces herself as a “pretty princess.” Yes, because “ugly princess” is so gauche. Her mother, BJ, asks her what kind of tattoo she wants and I’m praying to God Hawaii has an age limit for those things. “My extremely talented daughter Jessie is going to shine at Fabulous Faces,” she says so stiltedly for someone named BJ.

Jessie gets a crown tattooed on her, and it turns out it’s a fake tattoo done by the shop’s owner who also happens to be Jessie’s dad. BJ explains that Jessie is the one who got her involved in pageants even though she thought Jessie should play sports. Golf and softball, I’m guessing, from the vibe BJ is giving off. “The same thing that I did when I was growing up.” Uh-huh.

Dave, Jessie’s dad and faux-tattoo go-to guy says he’s not into pageants because they seem “superficial.” You mean like the ink that sits on top of your epidermis? “But if that’s what they want to do, that’s what they want to do.” Thanks, Confucius.

Jessie says what she likes best about pageants is feeling like Cinderella. You can feel that way just by dressing up and it won’t cost as much as pageants. Jessie admits the tattoo is fake and she’ll have to take it off before the pageant. The key is that dad’s shop, TNT TATTOO, got their advertisement in, even if it was on TLC.

Nice to see Perez Hilton settled down.

Over in Lake Havasu, Arizona, which judging by the picture they showed doesn’t seem to have a lake (no wait, I think I see a sliver of it in the background), we meet our crazy family of the episode, the Demyans. Lindsay is seven and her mother Melissa awkwardly says, “Let’s take a look at your stuff and get you pumped for the pageant.” Smoooooth.

Painfully bleach-blonde Melissa says, “My daughter Lindsay goes full glitz.” Then, with the first of many – and I do mean MANY – kitschy sound bytes of the episode, she says, “Go glitz or go home.” Then Lindsay says in a sing-songy voice that a lot of little girls have, “I’m going to win Fabulous Faces cause I’m pretty.” Meh.

Melissa tells us that Lindsay has been competing since she was three and that she’s an “up and coming fierce competitor.” Well, we’ll see. Sound byte #2, “My motto is if they’re not talking about you, you’re a nobody.” Crap! I just made Melissa somebody! Hope somebody else helps her carry her hair home in a baggy when it starts to fall out from all the chemicals.

No, really, you can find that color in nature. On Mars.

“Pageants are addictive,” Melissa says, continuing with what we all thought was true, “We’re hooked on the hairspray fumes.” No shit. “That hairspray contact high!” she laughs throwing her head back and forth like a horse but not actually making any sound. Because sniffing fumes is funny!

Hello Kitty is a huffer! Better than a fluffer, I guess.

Back in Hawaii, Nicole does what all mothers do: asks Aaliyah what she wants to do for talent and then tells her to do something else when it conflicts with what she thinks Aaliyah should do. Moms, please, instead of asking our opinions and telling us we’re wrong, just tell us what you think first, then let us make our own decisions. It would be a HUGE time-saver for all involved.

Aaliyah tells her mother she wants to do Tahitian, which I have no idea if that is a drink or a something from The Kama Sutra, but it turns out it’s a dance. So it’s the latter. Her mother tells her to do the hula-hoop for talent, which seems lame. Then Aaliyah screams she wants to do Poi Balls and I’m wondering if that’s like Speedballs? Because that would be a total disaster onstage. Backstage at an Aerosmith concert circa 1979, no problem.

Turns out most of the girls do Tahitian for their competition at these things (go figure), so Nicole thinks for Aaliyah to stand out, she should do the hula-hoop. Still sounds boring. She says Aaliyah is strong-willed but she’ll get her to do hula hoop. Thanks, mom.

I’d be more impressed if the hula hoops were on fire.

Back at Jessie’s house, her “mother” tells us she didn’t know what “beauty pageants” were except that she knew they were pageants and judged on beauty. Okay, so which word didn’t you understand?

“What did we learn from all these pageants?” BJ asks. “That you have to have your game face on,” Jessie says. WHOLE PACKAGE game-face, honey. “Just like in sports,” her mother says. I’m so sorry you didn’t have the boy you clearly wanted. Or were a boy, like you’d clearly like to be.

“As long as she enjoys it,” BJ says, “I’ll continue to support it.” She hates all of this, you can totally tell. “If she says she wants to quit tomorrow, I’d be like ‘YAY!’” See? HATES IT.

Back in Arizona, Melissa tells Lindsay they need to figure out which bathing suits to bring. You are going to Hawaii. Take them all! She says this is the first pageant they’ve done in Hawaii and they aren’t sure what to expect. She picks out a bathing suit and says, “This looks kind of Hawaiian.” Yes, because NO ONE ELSE WILL HAVE THOUGHT OF WEARING A FLUFFY HAWAIIAN-STYLE SUIT. Way to think inside that box.

Melissa admits she doesn’t add up what pageants costs because if she did, “I’d probably never do pageants.” Does Mensa have any members left, because if they do, they must be fighting hard against the gravity that is Pageant Mom Logic.

TLC, I love you for adding things up for us. So, let’s see what Lindsay’s pageant life costs. The dress is $800 to $1500, glitz photo $150 to be retouched (not shot, RETOUCHED), hair and makeup a “few hundred dollars,” entry fees, $1000, swimwear, $2000 for the 4-5 she’s bringing (WTF? $2000 on 5 bathing suits?), and the airfare, $1400, hotel $800, “margaritas,” she says, “well, that’s priceless.” We end up at $7,150 at which time Melissa says, “So it’s a few hundred dollars.” YOU STUPID MORON. Unlike what I initially surmised, I think your pubes DO match your hair!

She couldn’t count that high because she ran out of

fingers and toes. Carry the pinky!

Melissa takes this opportunity to say she’s disappointed they can’t take Lindsay’s showgirl outfit, then makes Lindsay dress up like a Vegas showgirl. Chirp chirp. Lindsay looks lost. Okay, we get it, you have a showgirl outfit. CHIRP.

I once caught a fish this big

“As far as the finances go for the pageantry, the less the husbands know, the better,” she says. “They’re like mushrooms…keep them in the dark,” she sound-bytes #3. Hope you remember that adage when it turns out your husband has been shtupping his secretary and it applies to you.

Melissa and Lindsay head over to the spray-tan place to give Lindsay that “lived-in” look. Melissa tells us that you have to be spray-tanned for a pageant in Hawaii because “you have all the local natives,” she says. You do know they’re Americans, right?

Looks like hairspray ain’t the only thing

that can make you fly.

“I don’t say ‘fake tan,’” Melissa says, “‘Fake’ is such and ugly word, how about ‘faux,’ it’s much nicer.” Okay, you have faux blonde hair, and now I’m convinced by your idiocy that the drapes match the carpet. If you haven’t faux Brazilianed it all off.

Proof that despite the recession,

this country has WAY too much money.

And time. And hair.

“Tan looks better than white,” she says, teeing us up for sound byte #4. “If it’s white, that ain’t right.” Pageant mom Melissa X to the rescue.

Then she says the most astonishing thing of the episode. “I don’t have any concerns spray-tanning her,” she says. “I mean, if we survived chewing on lead paint, a little spray-tan’s not going to harm her.” Melissa, you may have survived, but clearly your brain cells didn’t. You are the stupidest human trick come to life. Please, tie your tubes, because no more children should come from your leaded loins. Now excuse me while I go snack on my window sills.

I’m imagining you with a brain.

Back in Hawaii, thank God, Aaliyah’s twelve-year-old coach Teiliana is helping her prepare for the pageant. She’s actually pretty poised and well-spoken for a pre-teen. Aaliyah is practicing really hard and tells us so, and she’s absolutely adorable. “She’s really hard on herself, if she messes up,” Nicole tells us. Yeah, you can kind of see she’s a little uptight for a kid. Save that for when you’re knee-deep in a career that is sucking your soul from you, kiddo.

Nicole tells us she thinks Aaliyah is going to win because she’s got good stage presence, facial beauty, and the WHOLE PACKAGE. I would kind of agree. She’s a really cute kid but if they don’t ramp down the stress she’ll grind her teeth to nubs. Let’s not do that to such a cute kid. “I don’t like to be so blunt about it, I like to stay humble.” Oh, to that I would disagree. Humble is not in your dictionary – go check.

Back in Pearl City, Jessie is heading over to see Coach Fina, who has been training her for about 4 years. “Pageants are kind of like a sport,” BJ says. NO THEY ARE NOT. Oh, BJ, aren’t there any boys you can adopt from the mainland or from one of your husband’s customers?

Jessie tells us that she gets butterflies in her stomach from the pageants – no kidding! “And my cheeks start to hurt a lot” from all the smiling. Yeah, I get the same way in meetings. “But I think I’m going to win,” she says. Yeah, I’m not feeling any conviction there, Jessie. Maybe you should pick up a sport.

BJ tells us it’s up to Jessie how she’s going to do onstage. “It’s up to her whether she’s going to shine or she’s not going to put out 100%.” She’s a pageant girl, eventually she’ll put out 100%, come on BJ! It’s not like sports, but like the cheerleaders at sporting events. Doyee.

Just hurry up and finish your lesson. The lesbian kiss on Heroes is tonight and I’m not missing it! It’s like a sport!

Over at “Martini Bay,” a bar that I’m guessing Melissa frequents when her husband is in his mushroom phase, Lindsay is practicing for the pageant. Melissa says she’s using this place because of the open floor. Because I guess the space on their driveway is too constricting. Whatever, she totally wants to do the DJ “friend” of hers who lets her into the bar.

However, instead of practicing, Lindsay twirls her hair and walks all over the place. She is TOTALLY going to ruin her mother’s chances with this DJ. Melissa tells us that sometimes Lindsay doesn’t like to practice, and if this footage is any indication, she NEVER likes to practice. Or pay attention. Or walk in a straight line. What the hell?

“Lindsay is ADHD,” Melissa says, “Off the chart.” Now it’s ALL coming together. TLC puts on the screen for those of us unfamiliar with the bullshit diagnoses people give to their children who they were too lazy to discipline, “Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.” I bet she got it from chewing on lead paint!

Best medicine for childhood “diseases”? A good hard slap.

Turns out Melissa does give Lindsay medication for school or when she really has to focus (like while using the hedge trimmer), but doesn’t when she’s at the pageants. “I cannot give her medicine at pageants. If I do, she’ll mehhaaahhh muddle through it,” Melissa says. “I want her bubbly on the stage.” Isn’t that kind of child abuse – taking your kids needed medication away so she can compete in a voluntary activity? Especially if she’s “off the chart” with her ADHD? Don’t get me wrong, I’d have every kid in the continental U.S. on Benadryl 24/7 if it were legal and I had that kind of logistical system set up, but this seems kind of wrong. Kinda.

Lindsay continues to pull her hair into a ponytail, sit down, shake her head, and basically not practice. I bet the DJ is like, “No piece of bleach-blonde tail is worth this!” Melissa says, “I am concerned about talent.” Because your daughter has none? “Because we really don’t have a routine together.” I’m sort of surprised she doesn’t have a coach for her Misfit Toy, you know? It’s not like hubby would miss and extra $200 a month. “But hey,” she says, “fake it til you make it.” The true sound byte #5 of a loser and a faker of orgasms. Poor mushroom.

Wait! Time to “retouch” Lindsay’s photo. The reason it costs so much? They turn her into someone else! Seriously, the way they change how she looks is close to Dove’s Evolution video…it’s not even the same girl once the graphic artist/magician is done with her picture.

Pretty! Not your daughter anymore, but pretty.

In a creepy Avatar kind of way.

“The judges are usually looking for flawlessness,” the photo retoucher says. Yeah, that’s realistic. She says she is going to cover up Lindsay’s freckles and as someone who has quite a few, you can go blow yourself on that one. Freckles rule! She adds lashes (“Not drag queen lashes!” Melissa says), fuller lips, a thinner nose, better eye color, whitens her eyes, and basically she turns out to be Tara Reid post-rehab. Just put the nips in their place, you know, pointing in opposite directions, and you’re good to go.

Back in Hawaii, Nicole interviews that pageants are expensive to the point where her husband is working 7 days a week and she’s keeping two jobs so they can pay for it. Too bad they aren’t putting that money away for school! I mean, how many parents work 3 jobs so they can pay for soccer or baseball or drama club or Spanish classes? Unreal.

Jessie’s mom tells us that since this is the first time Fabulous Faces is in Hawaii, they are expecting a lot of girls because “everyone is going to want to try out the new pageant.” Yeah, they probably don’t get a lot of new pageants coming their way. Jessie says when it’s a big pageant like this, her mother always totally stresses about it. Probably because she realizes how much flesh has to be tattooed to afford it.

OK that’s a little bit too much retouching. Pull back a bit.

“Talent,” BJ says. “Are you going to do the Annie number or the Tahitian number?” Please say Tahitian, Annie numbers always make me want to gauge my eyes out, and the eyes of people near me, then our ears, and well, you get the point. Most irritating Broadway character ever. She decides on the Annie number and I get an ice pick ready.

BJ tells us that Jessie doesn’t use a flipper or fake eyelashes and they don’t go tanning since they live in Hawaii. “I want her to feel comfortable with her own natural beauty,” BJ says. Nice thought but that won’t play on the continent.

Nicole tells us that pageants in Hawaii are very different from “the mainland.” China? “Everything is natural,” she says. Nice change of pace. We see Aaliyah practicing in her swimsuit then her mother ruins it for me and asks her to “do sexy” which involves her rolling/swaying her mid-section. Don’t ask a little kid to “do sexy,” that is just wrong, wrong, WRONG!

“Nobody wants to see their daughters, you know, an 18 year old face on a five year old body,” Nicole laughs. But it’s okay for you to ask her to “do sexy.” Whatever helps you hula at night, Nicole.

She’s escaping! Lock her down!

Melissa says the Hawaii pageant is going to be very different for them, “because they don’t want to see their babies made up like Tammy Faye Baker,” she says. So your kid looks like Tammy Faye Baker at all the other pageants? Yeesh. “But we love full glitz.” We haven’t had a sound byte in while, can you give us #6? “Go big or go home,” Melissa says. Thank you editors!

Pageant day! “All the kids from all over are here but I’m not nervous because I like my face and I like my hair too,” Aaliyah says. Reel it in, sister. Nicole says that when they showed up and saw all the girls, she got a little nervous because she hasn’t seen a pageant that big before. Well Domo Arigato Mrs. Arrogant-o!

Sally Struthers interviews that there are 100 “beautiful girls and boys” competing, oh yeah, and one flying in from the mainland, and boy would her arms be tired if she wasn’t ADHD.

Melissa interviews that when they arrived and everyone was already there, she felt like “Bait for the piranhas.” Well, at least you understand your place in the food chain. Lindsay says, “I’m not nervous, I am ready.” If you aren’t on your meds, the only thing that should be ready is a hose.

Jessie is getting ready and notices some Anna Nicole Smith hair sitting alone. “Who’s hair is that?” she asks. “Lindsay’s.” “The blonde girl?” she asks. No, the one with the bald head, doyeee yes, the blonde. Lindsay interviews that her blonde hair and blue eyes are going to make her stand out, without adding what her mother would have, “against the natives.”

Melissa says she hired someone to do Lindsay’s hair and makeup, “because if it were up to me, poor kid would look like a yard sale,” she says. Who wants Clean House????? Melissa says a lot of the girls look very natural in the pageant and she doesn’t want Lindsay sticking out in the wrong way. You mean like a yard sale? Or like a whore among virgins?

“You don’t want to be the turd in the punchbowl,” Melissa side-comment sound-bytes #7. Oh Melissa, how many times have you seen a turd in a punch bowl? Outside of your bachelorette party…

Yep, still better than that orange creamsicle with 7-Up.

Over in Aaliyah’s dressing room, her mother warns her if she doesn’t wake up, she’s going to give her some Mountain Dew, house wine of Kentucky. Nicole says Aaliyah’s kind of tired so she’s going to “fill her up with Mountain Dew.” We see Aaliyah drinking a huge bottle of Mountain Dew, chug, chug, chug, holding it with both hands like a baby with a bottle. How many jobs do you think Nicole and her husband will need for all the dental implants Aaliyah is going to need when her teeth rot out?

Aaliyah agrees she needs to get more hyper so she decides to eat candy. I was going to put a picture in of what I thought her teeth would look like, but I got so grossed out by what I found, I couldn’t do that to my Gasmii. However, I would recommend making an appointment with your dentist yesterday if you haven’t been there in awhile, because OH MY GOD.

Melissa is putting a blue-ribbon choker around Lindsay’s neck and it’s too tight. Lindsay complains but continues to wear it. “Style before comfort,” Melissa says. I bet Michael Hutchence and David Carradine had the same motto. Besides, we all know the story of the woman who wore the choker and her husband became obsessed with it because it had no clasp and was just one piece of ribbon and one night he cut the choker off his wife and her head fell off. I’m just saying, Lindsay should probably keep said choker on.

“Aaaaaaaloooooha!” says the announcer, Nicole Fox, Miss Hawaii 2008. See, pageant parents? This is what you daughter has to look forward to when she doesn’t win Miss America. Announcing at a local pageant in between 7-Eleven openings. Swing and a miss!

Judge Betty Hsu, Miss Chinatown USA (it’s been in existence since 1958, people!) is looking for someone who is confident and well-prepared. Then she’d better get her ass down to the nearest high school that is hosting today’s SAT exam, because she ain’t finding that here. Judge Shannon Morgan is wearing a crown but will not tell us what pageant she won. Because I’m guessing the competition was all in her head.

Intravenously.

Nicole says there are a lot of girls at the pageant that Aaliyah’s already beaten, and she figures a lot of people will say, “Oh, that’s Aaliyah, she’s really good.” Then she makes a face like everyone knows how hard it is to beat Aaliyah. Here’s a suggestion: Never leave Hawaii because you are in a for rude awakening. Competition doesn’t get easier when you reach the mainland, bizzitch.

Aaliyah is up and the announcer says although she is pint-sized, “she weighed 10 pounds when she was born.” Geez, mom, way to brag instead of talking about your daughter’s interests, like chicken nuggets. Aaliyah was prepared to be onstage for 90 seconds, but apparently they only needed her for 60, so the announcer shoved her offstage. Maybe she was jealous? I know I’m jealous of her shoving a little kid!

Melissa interviews that the judges are looking for personality and facial beauty. “Key: personality – no medicine,” she says. I’m sure this won’t come back to bite her in the ass. What’s interesting is they are showing Lindsay finishing getting ready in a bathroom. Nice toilet, there, in the background. Very sanitary.

Lindsay gets up on stage and she looks very pretty and is actually pretty poised. “She looked like a little Barbie,” Melissa says. I love Barbies and still have some Barbie things in my basement (sorry, there are just some things I can’t get rid of!). But my Barbies were always correctly medicated. Especially Skipper.

Jessie’s dad Dave has taken time out from Pearl City Ink to come to the pageant. She heads out on stage and I think she’s tall enough for a long dress – the short one makes her look like she’s trying to be a baby doll or something. She looks nervous. Oh, and she’s “sponsored by TNT Tattoo.” Dad, know your audience. This isn’t it.

Swimsuit ickiness up next. Now it’s Jessie’s turn to head out of the head – why do they keep shooting the toilet shot? Oh – wait – cleanup in aisle 4, Lindsay’s starting to lose it. “What are you crying for?” Melissa asks. Probably for her GODDAMN MEDICINE, MOM. Nope, turns out she wants her hair crimped. Yes, because that is going to make ALL the difference.

When did heiling Hitler become acceptable at pageants?

Lindsay and Melissa get into a long discussion/spat about crimping her hair and how they don’t have time. Crying, Lindsay interviews, “I think the judges would like it if I had crimped hair.” I think the judges don’t give a shit. Her mother tells her to stop because she’s going to ruin her makeup and besides, they can’t crimp with all the humidity. Waaaahhhh! Humidity sucks!

Aaliyah is jumping all over the place and Nicole says, confusedly, “She’s, like, really hyper right now. I asked her where she was getting all of her energy?” Just as I was about to explain to my TV screen why her kid was bloody hyper, TLC editors (j’adore you!) cut over to Aaliyah doin’ the Dew. How about doin’ the doyeee, Nicole? You’re not the tool shed, you’re the RAKE in the tool shed.

Aaliyah heads out onstage and she is adorable and it cracks me up when they say her middle name – Hui-Hui which sounds like whooey whooey. Oh, Lord, here we are again…for someone with attention deficit, Lindsay certainly can’t get off the topic of her crimped hair. Stop crying you big baby!

Lindsay’s up next and she’s turned off the water works, thank God. Melissa says, “She knows when to turn it on.” I bet. “To me, she looks like a professional,” she says. I might have phrased that differently.

Right before she bit the head off a baby chick and laughed uncontrollably for five minutes.

Jessie is totally in the zone and ready for her swimsuit competition. She walks around on stage and poses, but she doesn’t really seem to have a lot of energy. Hmm. Guess we have to wait for the Annie segment, blech.

Talent! Oh Lord. Sally Struthers interviews that they will be judging on showmanship and ability. “Practice makes perfect,” which means Lindsay is out. Oh, hey, guess who is doing hula-hoop? “Aaliyah has agreed to do hula-hoop,” her mother says, after days of badgering the kid to hula-hoop.

Looks like Aaliyah needs to eat some crow with her poi because EVERY OTHER KID did Tahitian. And many of them wore coconuts over their boobies. All that does is remind me of the storyline on Friends where Rachel and guest Winona Rider told the story about getting too friendly after some fraternity luau and they made out and knocked coconuts. Come on, people, was I the only one who thought about that?

Also? Nobody likes when their mother is right. Nobody! Aaliyah walks onstage with her hula-hoop and DAMN, that kid can hula that hoop around every part of her body – neck, waist, knees, legs, arms, toes…okay, that last one I didn’t actually see, but wow. No wonder she has great abs!

Back in the bathroom of doom, Lindsay is getting ready for talent. She said it’s her favorite part “because I’ve never done talent before.” That makes no sense, but at least she’s back to being Lindsay. Ahem. She’s twisting all around and her mother says, “I think we need to give you a chill pill.” Uh, wasn’t that the problem in the first place? That the pill chilled her and that wasn’t good for a pageant?

Chill pill has never sounded like a threat before. Thanks for ruining that saying, lady.

Lindsay just learned her dance routine right before they left for Hawaii. Let’s go back to that practice makes perfect, because something tells me there will be no super-supreme personal pizza for talent in Lindsay’s future. She’s going to be a hot mess onstage and we all know it.

Here she goes…yep, hot mess. Her routine, although probably fun to her, was a mess. She was all over the place, the routine wasn’t very crisp, and it just looked sloppy. Next time, practice harder so your mom can roll with the DJ.

Jessie’s in the back in her Annie costume and I get confused when her mother says she’s a gymnast and she “throws a lot of aerials and back-tucks.” Then Jessie says, “For talent, I do gymnastics.” Then why the hell did you wear that stupid Annie costume? That makes no sense. Then Jessie starts to psych herself out and worry she can’t do it. Mom to the rescue!

“My mom said if I didn’t do my talent, I couldn’t have my sleepover with Courtney, we couldn’t go out to eat, and I wouldn’t get my brownie,” Jessie says. So basically, your daughter has to perform like a circus bear or you’ll withhold friendship and food. Finally, someone has the balls to parent!

Jessie gets onstage and dances and does gymnastics and folks, she ain’t that graceful. Either she needs to practice, or she needs to slap on that curly red wig and sing. She gets her brownie. Way to associate food with something good happening so every time she achieves something she will eat. Enjoy dumplings, they comfort you the most!

Crowning! Five year olds first. There are three girls in Aaliyah’s group, so she’s probably going to win given how much the other girls and pageant moms fear her in competition, right Nicole? First runner up, not Aaliyah, some girl named Kryzandreah, which is one of the worst names ever. Queen? Not Aaliyah! She loses! Which means she wins! Or at least goes on to the next round.

Special award…Overall Swimwear…Aaliyah! Well there you go, Melissa, $2000 worth of bathing suits and you still can’t win.

Next up? Six to seven year olds. Lindsay thinks she’s going to win. Melissa says she would be thrilled. “If Lindsay doesn’t win,” she muses, “that will just be…the shit.” Which of course they bleep out. “No!” she laughs. You totally meant what you said, blondie.

Second runner up? Not Lindsay. First runner up? Not Lindsay. Queen? Lindsay! You win, so you lose! Melissa says she there was a lot of competition was very happy with the win today, which is totally “the shit.” I think she thought they were going to win. Get the hell back to the mainland, you losers!

Lindsay walks offstage sulking and she cries to her mother, “I didn’t want to get Queen!” Her mother asks her what she wanted to get and she says (like we didn’t know), “I wanted Grand Supreme!” Everyone uses carbs to stress-eat, but that Grand Supreme would have done you no good, honey.

In an interview Lindsay says, “I won Queen,” then she pouts and shrugs. Any kid who does that should immediately be stripped of their crown and have pig’s blood thrown on them. That would stop the complaining. She continues to cry at the pageant. Waaah.

Sally Struthers interviews that of course she’s seen contestants get upset, “And not everybody can be a winner,” she says as we cut over to Lindsay crying with a BIG ASS CROWN ON HER HEAD BECAUSE SHE WON QUEEN. Stupid brat. Well, with any luck her attention will be elsewhere in a few moments unless Melissa has plied her with some mother’s little helper.

I’m sorry, but you are un-adoptable. Please pack your porridge and go.

Now…eight to nine-year olds. Jessie pre-empts what may be her total and complete loss by stating that “sometimes I disagree with what the judges saw.” Uh, they saw you being sloppy during talent and kind of personality-less during swimwear. As did we ALL.

Fourth runner up? Not Jessie. Third runner up? Jessie! Ouch! That hurts. Should have done the Annie song. BJ is somewhat disappointed, but secretly she’s hoping Jessie will take up volleyball.

Overall talent? Four to five…Aaliyah! That hula-hoop really paid off! Damn you, mom! They give her the smallest item ever – is that a memory stick or something? Boring! “I guess my mom was right,” Aaliyah says. “I told ya so,” Nicole says. HAHAHA! I’m going to give her that one, because she DID.

Overall talent for the six to seven age group? Don’t think for one minute sloppy seconds Lindsay was going to win! And she doesn’t. Practice, next time. Eight to nine year olds? Jessie! What?!?!? Are you kidding me? She was a hot mess on that stage. I guess she agrees with the judges now, huh?

Overall Grand Supreme with pineapple and ham! Not our girls, Teiliana – wait! What the hell?!?!? Aaliyah’s coach won! That’s like having, well, I don’t know, but that’s just wrong. Your coach beats you out for the win? Oy.

Not-Miss USA thanks all the contestants and gives them 10 seconds to get the hell out of there before they release the hounds. BJ says Jessie will try harder next time. Melissa says they had a good weekend, got some phone numbers, “Heck, maybe we’ll just stay with them next time.” Yeah, “they” won’t be home when you stop by, if those numbers were real in the first place!

Mountain Dew.

Next week, Universal Miss and Master International…but a quick and interesting note to the T&T community…guess who put a comment under the season premiere “Mommy Has a Favorite and It Isn’t You”…? Barry Sterling, Jamie’s husband! I admire him for defending his wife and family, but dude, editing can only be blamed for so much. Your wife said some mean things. I may not like kids, but I do know better, and judging by the backlash, we weren’t the only ones who thought so.

See ya next week, Gasmii! And remember…