Toddlers & Tiaras: Creepy Dads Will Come Out, Tomorrow, Bet Your Bottom Dollar!

This episode of Toddlers & Tiaras takes place in Sin City, Las Vegas, where we are joining the Universal Miss and Master International pageant. Unlike other pageants, this is a four-day marathon of glitz, glamour, and more than occasional whining. You need the whole package plus reinforcements as this is a marathon, not a sprint. And you will need GU with caffeine, trust me.

Swiss Miss: Asian Child Vampire Style

Emcee “Mr. Todd” tells us that you have to bring your “A-game” every day for four days. I wonder if this is like a weeding-out pageant – wean out the people who aren’t really committed to taking off two days of work in addition to losing their weekends, followed by just going home with “thanks for participating” crowns. It’s like the Darwin pageant.

Survival of the fittest? Or will this spoiled child be eaten by a bigger, stronger girl! Watch and learn!

Prize money this time around? $2500 in cash! Which will probably pay for the room and board while there. “The best of the best want to be part of this contest,” Mr. Todd says. And for the entry fee, they can be!

Dorks and forks and Mindy and Mork! Cork!

Let’s meet our contestants on this showcase showdown. First up, we head over to Tustin, California, home of Halia, age 10, and our first sort-of-giving-me-the-creeps dad, Lon. “I can’t think of any other place than being onstage,” Halia tells us, although that sentence doesn’t really make much sense. Dad Lon is trying on crowns with Halia, and she says he looks like a girl. If that girl is the bearded lady…seriously, it’s like a soul patch gone terribly wrong. No mustache, just Foo Manchu beard. Updated Amish. Call it what you will, he should really consider braiding it if he is going to pair it with a crown.

A girl that’s gonna take a HUGE dowry to marry off.

“I consider myself a competitive pageant dad based on wanting my daughter to win,” he says. Well, I’m not sure where that is on the competition scale, except maybe being sort of the definition of competition. He gives us that whole song and dance about how every pageant she’s been in Halia has won something, which we all know carries no weight since at most of these things you get a crown for showing up.

“My biggest supporter is my dad because he’s always there,” Halia says, quickly and non-emotionally adding, “and my mom.” Ruh-roh, trouble in paradise? Chrissy, Halia’s mom and Lon’s egg donor, interviews that Lon “definitely goes above and beyond.” Like a priest or like an involved dad? Well, Lon sews buttons and sequins on Halia’s dresses “because I don’t know how,” Chrissy says. Oh, so it’s more like a single dad. Thanks for clearing that up, Chrissy.

It’s hard to see why you’re avoiding your husband.

Lon tells us that the best thing about the pageant is the bonding, then we see him dressed up in a crown and pink cape holding flowers, and my first thought is, where can I get away with wearing a cape outside of anywhere on Halloween? I’ll have to chew on that for a little while, because when I do figure it out, I’m going to need Lon to FedEx that to me ASAP.

Heading over to Huntington Beach, California, we meet 7 year old Miranda who tells us she’s going to light up the stage in Las Vegas. Oh, Miranda, you are too Asian to be competing in pageants. Get back to the books and work hard so that someday in the future I can report to you and you can secretly look at me in contempt for not knowing the square root of Pi. However, I adore the fact you are missing your front teeth, so you have my vote to win because j’adore you.

Alice, Miranda’s mother, says Miranda is very charming when she gets onstage, a nice change of pace from the typical mother’s “rock the stage” mantra. Alice tells us that it was Miranda who suggested she try pageants, so when she was four they let her compete and low and behold, she won second runner up in talent. She says she didn’t know Miranda was so talented.

Who knew?

Miranda’s coach, Coach Lisa, shows up to discuss hair and makeup. She shows her a wig and they cut over to Miranda and I can’t help thinking her hair looks really weird. I mean, her mother should really reconsider those heavy bangs and loopy braids. Just too big for her or something. Miranda says she prefers the wigs with long hair. Then let your braids down!

Coach Lisa then says, “Two years ago, Miranda got alopecia and started losing her hair.” Oh f#ck. I am SO looking forward to my super-fun happy slide straight into the bowels of hell where I will burn, burn, burn in a very angry ring of fire.

For those of you who don’t know, alopecia is a disease of the immune system that makes you lose your hair. So to recap, straight to hell is where I’m headed. There will be no pit stops or $200 for passing Go. I mean, I write for TVgasm, so by default I’m going to hell, but now it’s going to be the really bad side, not the side with Mick Jagger and the black martinis. The only upside? Miranda is a cool kid who doesn’t let this bother her – she’s a powerhouse through this whole episode.

And now I will do my impression of Beyonce cleaning the house.

Coach Lisa puts a bob-cut wig on Miranda and tells her she looks like Snow White, but Miranda knows the truth and does not want to head up onstage looking like Connie Chung. Her mother says that the pageants help her with her confidence and in this case, I’m totally behind her in competing if she likes to do that.

Now we meet our bitch-ass freaks of the week in Buckeye, Arizona. Jordyn is six years old and the daughter of the biggest nags we have ever seen at any pageant. “I feel like a princess onstage,” she says, probably because offstage she feels like Cinderella with her parents harping on her like a couple of, well, harpies. Jordyn must be the one to beat since she won her first Supreme crown at the age of 5 ½ months. I’m 88 times that old and still haven’t won a crown!

Jordyn’s mom Christi says her daughter is going to – say it with me – “rock that stage in Vegas!” Just like Wayne Newton! Christi tells us she got interested in pageants when she was “way pregnant,” up at 3am watching Living Dolls: Taking of a Child Beauty Queen documentary. Did that really show pageanting in a light where you’d want to take part in it, or, like me, are you just dazzled by the sparkles?

Christi tells us when Jordyn was born, she was so excited it was a girl. However, Jordyn had jaundice “and a couple other health issues and oh-my-gosh, she looks like she has down syndrome,” Christi tell us, laughing at that last part. Oh, crap, now she’ll be burning in hell WITH me. It’s getting really crowded.

She got my looks.

“I was like so, so upset when she was not the cutest thing in the world,” Christi admits. “They get cuter as a couple of months go by.” Yes, they do. Do you know why babies looked like plucked chickens when they are born? They are covered in placenta which then gets crusty, and their heads are misshapen because of your va-jay-jay, although perhaps hers wasn’t too smushed with YOURS given the space you probably rent out down there. Newborns are freaks, that’s why your hormones still need to rage, so you are crying too much to see how freakish they really are. Also, look into some face powder, you look a little placenta-overed right now.

And then we begin to see the harpies appear. Jordyn and her mother are practicing what can only be described as her “sassy walk,” and the coaching by Christi goes something like this: “Bigger arms. Don’t be sloppy. Spot your judges. Be sure to flirt. Four pumps [with her arms] next time, because you’re going to miss your counts.”

Christi then tells us that Jordyn has a lot of pageants under her belt and some people are afraid when they hear she’s is competing. Maybe they are just afraid of you, Christi. They make Jordyn practice a minimum of two hours a day which must be fun when all Jordyn hears is, “No, do it again” for those two hours. Jordyn has won almost $6000 “but she has the potential to win so much more if she continues practicing,” Christi tells us. I see heartbreak in their future. “Good job,” Christi says at the end of their practice. Nice mixed signals!

Back with Halia, her dad is coaching her with poi balls. WTF? Didn’t we just see these last week? Turns out Lon is from Hawaii originally and Halia’s talent is swinging the poi balls all over hell’s half acre. She’s lucky she hasn’t taken an eye out with those things and once again, I have to say I’d be more impressed if something were on fire.

Or maybe she could twirl really heavy metal spiked balls and take down the competition.

Damn, she kind of sucks. Those things are just flying all over the place and future boyfriends must be cupping their loins the way she’s smacking those balls around. Lon tells us the “cultural roots for poi balls are very deep for his family,” and there is something so funny about comparing poi balls and roots. It’s like we’re in a Chinese sex apothecary or something.

“They’re Hawaiian,” Chrissy says, “So they have that connection that I don’t have.” Am I mistaken, but aren’t Hawaiians Americans too? Do people in California think of hacky sack as their cultural roots? Lon does admit that he and Halia are “like their own clique.” Eww, and way to leave Egg Donor out of this.

Back with Miranda, they are headed over to the wig shop, Wigging Out, for the custom-made wig her mother ordered for her. This one is human hair and looks more natural, and thus cost them a few thousand dollars. The wig shop owner, Constance, tells them it is “virgin, unprocessed, American hair.” Uh, what? “We do get the hair from American teenagers right here in America.” So, basically what you are telling us is this is from Chinese kids in China who are grown strictly for their hair.

The thought of them being virgins is at least comforting.

“You can curl them and color them,” she says, telling us how to pop the cherry on this virgin hair. Is this woman’s wig too tight or what? Nope – but her face sure is. What the hell? Stop the processing on the face, honey, you’re starting to look like the cat lady of New York, or Jessica Lange at the Emmys.

Yikes. You were probably less scary back when you looked like Hagrid.

The put the wig on Miranda and secure it with some kind of tape or glue so it won’t come off easily. Constance pulls the hair from side to side and the hair doesn’t move – turns out she can shower and swim with this too which is cool since girlfriend does live in California and near the beach. Her mother says, “Now she has one less obstacle to overcome.” Amen to that sister. Miranda is totally happy and I suddenly notice her sister next to her enjoying the moment. I love this family, they are actually really nice. Dammit.

Then Constance ruins the moment. “If she is on the trampoline…if she is Jell-o wrestling, or, you know…” she trails off because Alice gives her a look that says Constance has disgraced her own family back thousands of years. Miranda laughs because she only understood Jell-o, then Constance quickly corrects herself and tries to right thing with her ancestors by saying, “Pageant girls don’t Jell-o wrestle.” Oh, Constance, say goodbye to future purchases. Next time, Alice will be taking her money to Wigging IN.

I just had to show you her face again.

Back at the harpy residence, Christi, looking like she was worn out and put away wet, tells us she is stressing about making sure Jordyn’s clothes all fit properly. Isn’t that a given in pageants? “If they don’t, we’re done,” she says. Like a cake? As the human race? Help me out here…but then the shoulder strap on her dress doesn’t fit and Christi says, “We can suck it up for a couple of minutes.” What? That’s pretty obvious that it doesn’t fit!

“I do get competitive,” Christi says, “because when I put her onstage, that’s a product of…[thinks real hard] me.” She shows her dress to her dad and as she leaves the room he says, “Try to walk right.” Jordyn tells him she is and he says, “You’re clicking your shoes,” and they get into an argument about her clicking her shoes and her mother says, “You have to be quiet onstage.”

Christi tells us her husband, Charlie, is very involved with the pageants, then we see footage of Jordyn modeling some too-sexy costume and – I’m not kidding – she pulls off the tassles around her waist like she’s stripping. Her mother says, “Yeah, she’s been kind of sloppy with that,” and dad says, “I know she has,” under his breath, looking despondent. Yes, it is terrible when your SIX year old doesn’t know how to strip off her tassles properly. Where is child services when you need them?

Charlie tells us he is hard on her because “with the money we spend on her, it needs to be 110% or it’s not worth it.” Charlie, if your math is that bad, it won’t matter what you spend because you won’t be able to add it up.

Jordyn walks out of the room and clicks her heels. Her dad rubs his head and eyes like she’s the worst thing ever and her mother says, “Jordan, quit walking like that.” This poor girl is going to run away very soon. Good luck to ya honey, the life of a hobo involves very little parental nagging. I’m guessing.

It does, however, involve stripping. So thank your mother before you go.

Back over at Miranda’s house, they are talking about the talent competition and NO SWEET JESUS NOT ANOTHER ANNIE COSTUME! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

YES. Miranda is going to sing “Tomorrow” from Annie and if my eyes don’t deceive me, I see a picture of her with a red curly wig on. Because nothing looks more natural on a little kid – especially an Asian one – than a wig full of red hair. She’s not Linda Evangelista circa 1994, people. But Miranda lays down the law and says she won’t wear that wig because, “It doesn’t look good on me.” Way to fight the man, Miranda.

Don’t feel bad. It doesn’t look good on anyone.

Because this is a four day pageant, we don’t get to spend as much time getting to know these families before they head off to the competition. Lon says this is their first four day, full-glitz pageant, but he thinks it’s going to bring his family a lot closer. To the edge, I’m guessing.

Miranda’s sister says she doesn’t like Las Vegas because they don’t let kids gamble. Slot jockey in the making, people!

SIN CITY! Pageant time! Mr. Todd rejoins us and too-excitedly says, “This is four days full of hard, stiff [please say competition - please say competition] competition!” Phew. He says, “Everybody wants to win big in Vegas!” Yes, and Vegas was built on the winnings of people, and by that, I mean the losses.

Day 1, beauty competition – where judges see that whole damn package. Christi, looking like a tanned Morticia but chubbier (honey, that halter ain’t helping), tells us that beauty is what Jordyn likes to do. Mykel Baca, shemale, is doing Jordyn’s hair and makeup. Jordyn says the bets part of beauty pageants is the pretty makeup. I’m with you on that one!

Julie: gay/bi/transgendered cruise director.

Christi, in another attempt for her family to look horrible at math, tells us that, “At this level, hair and makeup is 150% important.” I don’t think you can measure importance by percentage, can you? Like, even if you were Einstein, you wouldn’t say “That’s 100% important,” would you? No. Go get some blotting tissues, Christi. See if you can mop up your ignorance along with the oil on your face.

Over in Miranda’s room, Coach Lisa is putting Miranda’s hair and makeup together. She has tons of cool flowers and sparkly things tucked into her hair which the girly side of me loves. She smiles and twirls – what a great kid! She should totally hang out with Isabella from Michigan (the one with the glasses from a couple of episodes ago). What a powerhouse couple of kids that would be!

Lon tells us that getting Haila ready for formal wear is the toughest one. She loves it the most but it also wears her out the quickest. Good thing they are doing this on the first day so it can only go downhill from there. How’s that togetherness going, LON?

We see footage of Chrissy doing something to Haila’s face – is she waxing it? No – she’s putting earrings in. Are you kidding me? How hard is that to do? Let her do it, might be easier and there will definitely be less whining.

And speaking of whining, Christi is all up in Jordyn’s business. “Why are you so grumpy?” she asks. Jordyn says she’s tired. Christi says well who cares, she’s was up later last night and up earlier this morning than Jordyn and she’s tired too. She just forgets the “So there!” The problem is, Jordyn hadn’t finished and what she was saying is she was TIRED OF THE TWO OF YOU.

Wow. Just…wow.

Judge Jessica, who is wearing a necklace crown, tells us she’s looking for the total package and a girl who likes to be onstage. Judge Chasen basically looks like an Entourage reject and you know you have to be bad if Jeremy Piven thinks you skank out. He’s wearing a cap as he interviews, “A lot of times the parents are living vicariously through their kids.” Listen Ph.D., I’d find you much more convincing if I didn’t just see footage of you sitting at the judges table with a dirty do-rag on your head. Where do they find these people, at the craps table?

This child will have neck problems for the rest of her life.

Up first – Jordyn! Her mother loudly woos, but it wouldn’t take much to get that voice to reverberate throughout her body. Jordyn walks onstage with an escort which threw me off for a minute, but that’s how this pageant rolls…it’s very cute and the young men are wearing fancy white tux and tails or whatever they are called.

Jordyn’s hair is bigger than her head and I’m not sure how she’s not toppling over. Christi and Charlie are in the back motioning for her to do certain things and Christi gets an exhausted look on her face. Yeah, she and Charlie haven’t had sex in years. Jordyn’s dress is as pink and fluffy as cotton candy and she works the smile. Let’s see how her mom feels.

Whatever that feeling is, it’s not thinning.

“I told her to take her time, take her time, take her time,” she bitches. So…I’m guessing she rushed? Jordyn gets offstage and both of her parents immediately climb up her ass. “Why weren’t you looking at mommy?” he says, forgetting that HE TOO was back there making gestures for her to watch. Jordyn says she was watching. “Well, she didn’t tell you to go,” Charlie says. Oh bite the big one you ass-munch.

Christi chimes in, “You went to the back,” as she pulls up her top. “You did your circle and went to the back.” Jordyn looks thrilled to be there. Way to undermine whatever confidence she has left what with you two morons as parents.

In line, some girl says to Miranda, “Today everyone’s wearing a wig.” Good point! Wigs and hairpieces are all the rage at these pageants! Suddenly every girl becomes the “I’m wearing a wig!” girl, but let’s face it, Miranda is their queen!

Miranda is onstage! She looks adorable in that bluish/seafoam dress color. That kid is poised as she walks around and smiles. Mr. Todd announces that her dream is to become a hairstylist. Awww, that’s cute, but I think medical school is more in line with your future. Just ask your parents. “It went well,” Miranda says afterwards, proving she has better grammar skills than most adults.

Halia is up next and she looks gorgeous in that red dress…not a color you usually see at the pastel pageants of yore. She looks like she’s about 17 up there. Her mother says she did “phenomenal” and she was very proud of her. They do think she has some stiff competition at this pageant, however. We’ll see.

Pageant Day 2 – Swimwear! Ick! My, there are a lot of well-fed mothers at this pageant. Christi is sporting bitchface as she tells us that Jordyn is about to do her swimwear competition. Jordyn is wearing her flipper because she likes having grown up teeth. Yes, very natural.

Look! The cupcake table is waiting for us when you’re done! HURRY!

Halia, on the other hand, is wearing her bitchface because they are rolling her hair and her mother says, “She has a very sensitive scalp.” Try rubbing Sensodyne on it. Halia makes a demon face and looks an awful lot like Drew Barrymore when she was little. It’s sort of funny when she rolls her eyes at her mother – who hasn’t been there before, or lives with that maturity level now?

Up next? Jordyn! Who is still in her room getting ready. Norma Creech, Screech from Saved by the Bell‘s grandmother and pageant director, tells us there was a typographical error on the schedule. What said 1:45pm should have said 12:45pm, so some people were confused. “The drama of pageants,” she jokes. Yeah, hilarious that some people may miss a section of the competition because you were too stupid to make a simple announcement at some point in the day.

Elaine Stritch is gonna rip these kids to shreds!

Jordyn’s dad picks her up and runs her into the ballroom as Christi bitches to him about not pulling her hair. She gives us the whole line about how their scores could be affected by being late, but really, it’s not their fault so she should take the drama down a notch.

Jordyn gets onstage and immediately Christi complains to Charlie that she probably won’t do the right routine because they were running her up there, which has nothing to do with anything. I do not understand their logic. Also? Christi, why don’t you get your fat ass into a competition and let your mother nag on you all damn day and see how you like it.

I’d just like to see the Anime version of her on an XXXXL shirt.

“I actually go through a lot of emotions while she’s onstage,” Christi says. Yeah, they have medicine for that. And dusting powder. And combs. “I always have that proud mom moment,” she says. Yeah, you just hide it when Jordyn’s around. So how’d she do, Christi? “She didn’t quite do everything she needed to do.” Bitch.

Miranda’s mother pulled her from swimsuit because she felt her talent was much stronger. Also, she probably has some morals and feels the same ickiness about parading her daughter around an Entourage reject while she’s in a bikini.

Halia is up next and they play Hawaii/surf music while she parades around in a swimsuit I would actually consider – it’s red and sort of retro-looking. Very cool but still icky because, you know, it’s a kid in a swimsuit trying to win points. Blech! And Lon doesn’t make it any less ickier. “It’s hard to believe it’s my daughter up there,” he says with his eyes bugging out. Uh, dude? Reel it back in. REEL it back in.

Damn she’s hawt.

Here’s a new one…they are doing personal interviews, which Mr. Todd tells us “one of the most important categories in the competition.” The others being formal wear, swimwear, and talent. Ahem. He tells us that not only does it show the girls’ personalities, but has a YOOOGE point value. When did he start channeling Trump?

And sure enough, here we go…”Not too fast Jordyn…now you’re shirt’s untucked,” says Christi with her skanky black hair trailing down the fat ass she thinks that long shirt hides. It doesn’t. Christi explains that for Jordyn’s interview she wants her ankles crossed, her knees together, and her hands in her lap, “Like a lady.” And you can be the tramp! Jordyn continues to twist and shout and sweet Jesus, her shirt is coming untucked! Oh, the humanity!

Haila is waiting for her interview and her dad leans forward and asks, “Who’s your favorite pop star?” to which she waits a beat and answers, “What do you mean?” Which word didn’t you understand? Just say the Jonas brothers and be done with it. If they ask which one, say “Bob.” Chances are they won’t ask any follow-ups.

First up is some girl we don’t know but I bring her up to point out just how smart beauty competitors are (in the kids’ defense, which I rarely take, this probably is pretty stressful to be interviewed). The judges ask first girl where she’s from and she says Honolulu then stiffly says, “It’s very clean and I especially love the beaches.” Way to be completely coached. Then they ask her if someone has never been to Hawaii, where would she recommend they go, and she says, “California.” Give that girl the crown!

Please give us the definition of salubrious. The count to a million and read Chinese backwards. Kidding! Just tell us your favorite movie and get out.

Haila is up now and they ask what she wants to do…be a veterinarian. Her favorite animals are dogs. Miranda interviews that she’s in the first grade and her favorite things are recess and playing with her friends. Ohh, I’m sorry, wrong answer for an Asian girl, back to square one.

Jordyn interviews her favorite show is Noggin which I believe is a British show about drinking. She says it teaches you how to count and your alphabet and how to play cards. Yeah, you’re six, you probably should have a lot of that down by now, but we’ve seen your parents so good luck with completing high school – wait, what? Teaches you how to play cards? Like blackjack? Sweet.

Day 3…has anyone died yet or was that my soul? It’s Outfit of Choice day, where all contestants get to pick out an outfit they like, have their mothers veto it, and be guilted into wearing something else instead. Haila is dressed as a Vegas flapper. Miranda is sporting a kicky beret with a huge bow on the front. Classic Cosmo girl!

Over in Jordyn’s room, they are – SWEET MOTHER OF CHRIST – stretching out her butt. What? Christi is pulling Jordyn’s leg to help her stretch it out and Jordyn keeps sticking her butt out so the stretch doesn’t hurt (or work), then dad gets involved to help stretch his daughter’s ass out and this whole thing is so, so wrong.

Leave her alone! She has your genes, which means her ass will stretch out plenty in a few years.

Christi says she stretches Jordyn out before her routine because she turns a lot of tricks. I’m sorry, she does a lot of technical tricks. She’s not a Quarter horse, for Christ’s sake. Then her parents take turns yelling at her for not stretching properly, putting her weight on them and ruining the stretch, and all I can think of is that she will eventually kill both parents and get off scott-free if the jury sees this tape.

Now it’s time to humiliate her in public! Yay! Christi and Charlie completely asshole-out by trying to go through Jordyn’s routine in a huge lobby area. Great for concentration you losers. Jordyn isn’t paying attention, then bitches that she’s screwing up her skirt. They go in for the competition and she and her dad get into a fight about when she’s up and she’s right but God forbid he apologize.

Jordyn gets onstage and her stupid mother starts bouncing all over the place and when she bounces, she BOUNCES. She tells us that she reminded Jordyn that everything had to be big, big, BIG (yes, we see your midsection!), and when she finally can stop reminding her, “That’s when she’s a winner.” WTF? Is this woman losing what few IQ points she has each day of the pageant?

Jordyn asks if she can get something to eat – another reason I don’t have kids, they eat. But her parents say no because she has to keep working on the pageant, like a granola bar is going to kill her. Ever the supporter, Christi says, “You missed a lot of your faces.” Maybe she can show you her faces when she sees you next Tuesday?

Christi says the schedule is so tight, it makes it difficult for any of them to eat. The problem, Christi, is that Jordyn doesn’t have the reserves to dip in like you do. Give the kid a PB&J and shut the hell up. “It’s dance time girl!” she says.

Mommy ate your food for the month. Now dance.

Miranda is up now and she walks across that stage like a fashion model. That kid has the longest legs ever, holy crap! Her personality comes through completely and this kid is in her element. She is adorable. Her mother prefers that she keep her natural smile and I adore the missing teeth. Plus, her mother isn’t a stupid bitch which makes things even more awesome.

Halia is up and she tassles and dances her way all over. But then her music stops suddenly and she has to finish up her routine without that last 5 seconds. Chrissy is totally upset and bitches to people (not pageant people, go figure), but such is life. Her exit was ruined, RUINED! But the sun continues to rise. How that happens is beyond me.

Talent is next, and I use that term loosely. Miranda doesn’t want to wear the wig because it’s not her color and she knows it looks like shit. But her makeup artist persuades her by saying if she were an actress, wouldn’t she wear the hair? Yes. So done and done. Pinky promise and all. She looks hideous in that wig and says her tummy hurts. So does mine.

The public humiliation of Jordyn continues as Christi pisses and moans that “there are two 8-counts missing,” whatever the hell that means and I doubt she could explain it. She says it was her and her husband’s job to come up with choreography out of nowhere. And from whence nowhere it came. Christi, please slap a girdle on that midsection, you are going to kill someone if you aren’t careful.

“We’ve done through the routine 20 or 30 times and she is frustrating me right now,” Christi says. What do you mean now, you seem to hate this kid. “Please pay attention to me,” she says, “I’m not doing this for my health.” “Pay attention to your mother,” Charlie says. “Look at me, you’re listening to dad and not me,” Christi says. Then dad should shut the f#ck up, Jesus, she can’t listen to you both. “I will seriously go to the room, I’m not going to do this with you.” I wish Jordyn would have said, “Then go, fatass.” Heh.

“I’m actually considering pulling Jordyn from talent,” Christi says. The way you should be pulled from motherhood? Also, you daughter looks like a whore in that outfit. No one under the age of 18 should wear fish-netting anywhere, but particularly on her midsection.

“Sassy, sassy, LISTEN TO ME!” Christi says. “STOP TALKING WHEN I’M TALKING!” I hate this family, they are just awful. That poor kid is going to quit pageants, then her parents will have to find something else to nag her on.

Do it just like this! But without the plastic extensions, the giant ass and the four stomachs.

Halia is up and says it’s hard to keep smiling while whipping her poi balls around because she’s worried she’ll get smacked in the face. Getting smacked in the face with balls is something every pageant girl must face! Luckily, she makes it through talent without any kind of injury. Dad is pleased and says that’s the best she’s ever done. Big hugs, but only if you’re Hawaiian!

Christi and Charlie have decided to let their human disappointment compete in talent, but they don’t know what’s going to happen. I do. They’ll announce her and she won’t come out, they’ll announce her a second time and she won’t come out, they’ll announce her a third time and a soldier from the Third Reich is going to fly out and scream, “SHE’S GONE!” Hope she can make it to Switzerland.

“I’m not looking forward to it,” Christi says about Jordyn’s upcoming performance. Shut the f#ck up you evil bitch. Don’t make Jamie Sterling look good. Oh my God, those two should go bowling together!

Hide your feelings, much, Dad?

Jordyn gets onstage, shakes it, follows her mother, then her father says the creepiest thing ever uttered by a dad on this show (and if any of you watched Talk Soup this weekend, you know what I’m about to talk about). Charlie says, “My favorite part of the competition is when she’s dancing, shakin’ her rump a little bit. That’s the best part for me.”

Where the hell do I go with that? You say the best part of watching your daughter dance is her shaking her rump. She’s six! Do you not know how creepy that is, or do you, but it just feels so right? That is hideously kinky and hideous and kinky and so, so, so very wrong. Maybe Jordyn should go live with her grandmother, you know, until you’re dead.

Christi shows her support by saying, “Can I please throw an egg?” How ’bout just not producing anymore? You didn’t do a good job with the fertilization and raising of this one, so let’s just call it uneven and let it go. By the way, you are a fatass skank. If any eggs are going to get thrown, they should be coming your way. And if I need any fries cooked, I’ll throw them on your face.

If you can stop yourself from eating it first.

Miranda is still nervous, but then she says that she tries to think of the emcee in red underwear. Oh, Miranda, no. No one needs to see Mr. Todd in red underwear. You know as well as I do it’s a G-string and ick.

Then some woman tells her to hold her hands out, she wipes them with her own, and she says, “I’m taking all your nerves away. You’re not nervous now, are you?” You can tell Miranda is still freaking out but doesn’t want to hurt the lady’s feelings.

Miranda gets up and sings “Tomorrow.” Alice is proud. I hate this bloody song and it gets very loud. Coach Lisa is proud of her performance. After, Miranda says she doesn’t have to pee anymore. Phew!

Wait til you catch the site of yourself in a mirror wearing that wig. You’ll be in pain all over again.

Crowning! Five to six year olds…2009 Princess…Jordyn! She wins! So she loses! “That’s the equivalent of first runner up,” Christi says. “It’s disappointing to me. She definitely deserves a higher title than she received.” Bitch. Of course Jordyn comes running up to them, excitedly saying, “I’m princess!” Don’t worry, mom and dad will ruin it for you.

Next up, seven to eight year olds…2009 Model Winner…not Miranda! Beauty Winner…not Miranda! Meaning she could be up for Supreme! AWESOME!

Nine and ten year olds…Model Winner…not Halia! Beauty Winner…not Halia! She moves up to possibly winning Supreme! DOUBLE AWESOME!

Supreme titles…Supreme Talent…Miranda! Despite the fact that I despise that song, this is so cool! She says it’s exactly what she wanted. Her mother is excited and proud and I j’adore her crown, per usual.

Super Duper Pooper Grand Supreme Pizza with Double Pepperoni…HALIA! Excellent. Her dad says she really was at her best this weekend. Lon hugs Chrissy, then puts his head on hers…and she immediately says, “OWWW!” and gets out of his arms. Well, at least we now see where Halia gets her sensitive scalp. We also know why Lon is spending so much time with his daughter. Oy.

Christ is a big fat bitch and says she doesn’t agree with the judges’ decision “whatsoever.” She says, “I think my daughter looked beautiful and did very well onstage.” Yeah, you wanted to throw an egg, if memory serves. Christi says that as soon as they get home it will be work, work, work. Wow, sounds like everyone wins except Jordyn or Christi or Charlie.

Miranda is happy the pageant is done because she’s tired of putting makeup on. That’s what Sundays are for when you get older, just FYI. Jordyn tells us that her favorite part of when pageants are over are taking her eyelashes off, which is just her way of starting to pull her eyelashes out as a nervous twitch in response to evil parents. Poor kid.

Next up? Arizona Gold Coast. Can you feel the excitement? Can ya?

A box of Little Debbie brownies and a couple of pizzas might help.